Lost In Orbit
by FrozenSoldier
Summary: Tragedy strikes when you least expect it to. When there's only one person who understands what you're going through, do you let them in? Do you let them heal you, even when it seems impossible? All Human: AlicexJasper.
1. Prologue

**Lost In Orbit**

**Prologue**

The school walls seemed too familiar. I could feel the tension building up inside my chest, waiting to burst out. It felt like something from a horror movie; like that moment when you just _knew_ something scary was coming, and all you could do was sit and wait for the fright to come. That's what I was doing; I was waiting.

Then I heard it, the sound which sent a chill down my spine. Yet I still began to run closer. I pushed my legs harder, knowing fully well what would greet me when I got outside. But that didn't stop me from slamming into the doors and forcing them open in a hurry.

Sweat beaded on my forehead as my anxiety grew. I tripped more than once, and each time, I pulled myself up, gasping for breath.

That was when I saw it; his body lay out on the floor. He was facing away from me, which meant I couldn't see his face. Tears started pouring harder as I forced my legs forward. As soon as I reached him, I stumbled and fell down beside his body. I reached out a shaking hand and touched his shoulder, pulling softly so he rolled towards me.

Then the screaming began.


	2. Chapter 1

**A/N****: Chapter one is really short, I know. But it's necessary so that you understand a few things.**

**First, that Alice, Robbie and Bella have known each other all their lives. But Alice and Robbie have a very close relationship.**

**The first section only includes Alice, Robbie and Bella because Rosalie, Emmett, Edward and Jasper hadn't arrived in Forks yet. Rosalie arrived at the age of six, Emmett arrived at the age of nine, Edward arrived at the age of fourteen. As for Jasper, well, you'll find out about that soon enough.**

**It's written in Alice's POV and ranges from age five, age thirteen and age seventeen.**

**Don't hate me because it's Alice/Robbie and not Alice/Jasper. Bear with me, there's always a reason.**

**Finally, you've probably guessed already – it's an all human story. No sparkly vampires and no smelly werewolves.**

**Disclaimer****: If I was Stephenie Meyer, or **_**Twilight **_**was mine. Why would I be writing this fan fiction?**

* * *

**Chapter 1 - Because That's Who We Were**

**Alice POV**

We all sat silently in a circle; Bella was seated to my left, while Robbie sat to my right. Everyone was fidgeting. Even though our teacher told us to sit still, she would still let us go because I was being a good girl and was attempting to remain stationary. I was sitting up nice and straight so that she would pick me first.

Of course she picked Robbie first because he was fidgeting the least out of everyone. But that was okay because he was allowed to pick a friend to go with, and he always chose me. I stood up and took his hand. Then after collecting our bags, we ran out the door together.

As we got around the corner, we spotted our mommies waiting for us by the front gates. As we got closer to them, we let go of each other's hands and hugged our mommies because we loved them lots and lots.

My mommy had a baby inside her now, so she was very slow when she was walking, but that was okay because Robbie's mommy had a baby inside her, too. That meant they would walk slowly together, but me and Robbie didn't like to walk slowly, so after taking his hand again, we ran down to the bottom of the school lane.

We waited round the corner and jumped out at our mommies when they finally got down to the bottom. They knew we would be there, but they always acted surprised which made Robbie and I laugh every time.

We did this every day, because that's who we were, Robbie and Alice – best friends, forever and ever.

* * *

It was my thirteenth birthday; my mom and dad were waiting round the table with my little sister who was smiling up at me. I glanced around and took in the smiling faces of my four best friends, Bella, Rosalie, Emmett and finally Robbie, who was standing next to me. Robbie had already been thirteen for a few months now, yet he still took my hand as we blew out the candles together.

We did this every year. Our birthdays were months apart, yet we still shared the birthday wish, because that's who we were. I doubted things would ever change.

I'd already opened all my presents, but I kept Robbie's until last because he said it was special and that I had to open it at the bottom of the garden with him. So we sat in our little den beneath the trees and I opened my present, just like we did every year.

He had wrapped it all by himself and he was very proud of it. I couldn't help but smile as I saw the present inside. A small charm to fit on the bracelet he bought me when I was four. Each year, he gave me another charm to add. I knew of course it had been his mother's idea at first, but it didn't lessen how special it meant to me.

This year, the charm was a little golden lion. I held out my wrist and he clasped the small charm onto my bracelet along with the flower, tortoise, dolphins, owl, kitten, fish, rhino, sun and the moon. It was beautiful and I never took it off. I loved my gold charm bracelet.

"Happy birthday, Alice,"he murmured.

I smiled and we simultaneously opened our arms and hugged each other. As we leaned back, I took his hand and held it tightly and we stared into each other's eyes.

He leaned into me and suddenly his lips were on my own, but I didn't think it was weird or try to push him away.I knew it was right and I knew deep down we were just meant to be together like this.

It only lasted a few seconds before he pulled away, but as he did, I saw that he was flushing a deep shade of red. The smile he wore stretched across his face, an expression that mirrored my own.

* * *

He took my wrist in his hands and ran his fingers up my arm leaving a trail of goose bumps in its wake. I always responded the same way when he touched me, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

He opened up the box and held out the second to last charm to go on my bracelet; it was a small golden key with a heart encasing the handle. I could feel tears brimming in my eyes even before he spoke because I knew what he was about to say.

"I wish you a happy birthday, my love. I give to you the key to my heart because it is yours forever,"he whispered so that only we could hear.

He brushed the tears away from my face and pulled me into his embrace. The tears soon subsided as he brought his lips to my own. We slowly fell back onto the floor as our kiss deepened. We'd shared so many memories in this den in our lifetime.

Some things never change.

* * *

**A/N****: Reviews are welcome. I'd love to hear what you think of the story. Please don't be put off because it's Alice and Robbie. I promise you it will not be that pairing throughout the story.**

**Just in case you don't believe me, here is a review from the wonderful LittlePixieCullen88:**

I have NO idea why, but I've been avoiding reading this story for ages. I think I always got to the first chapter and went "Eeeww that's not Jalice!"

I'm SO SO SO grateful I finally stuck with it, it's incredible. Simple, yet beautiful. Sad, yet uplifting.

**So there, you can see that it is worth reading on.**

**Whoever is reading this, please be that one person who reviews every chapter. I leave a comment after every chapter I read, so please do it for me? I'm willing to swap reviews, just let me know.**

**Love,**

**Paula (The never-going-to-recover review addict) *nods***


	3. Chapter 2

**A/N****: Chapter two! Guess what, Jasper's here!**

**From now on the chapters are going to be dated. Not only does it help you to understand how much time has passed between each chapter but it also helps me to plan it out as well.**

**Thank you to Project Team Beta and Laura for looking through the chapter and helping me with any errors I made.**

**Disclaimer****: What I don't own: **Jasper, Alice and the rest of the gang.** What I **_**do**_** own: **Robbie Grayson.

* * *

**Chapter 2 - Jealousy**

**15th September 2008**

**Alice POV**

There had been a rumour going around that a new student was set to join our school. I'd totally forgotten about him until I walked into my first class on Monday morning to find him sitting in one of the empty seats. I could tell that he was feeling a little out of place. Especially when I heard his voice, it was smooth with a southern lilt to it. I knew, just from looking at him, that he would have problems settling in.

But I didn't talk to him, because Robbie came in at the same moment and took my attention away. He had obviously just come from gym because his shaggy brownish blond hair was extra messy.

He was a vision to behold.

"Hey, babe, sorry I'm late." He sounded a little out of breath as he greeted me.

He leaned down and kissed me, as he always did. I caught the new guy looking as Robbie pulled away. I thought it was a little strange, if not rude; you don't watch a couple greeting each other. But as we made eye contact, he turned away and I let it pass.

English went by quickly, and soon it was lunchtime. We made our way to the cafeteria quickly so that we could get the first of the hot meals. We found our table immediately and saw that the usual gang were already there eating their meals.

Sitting at the end of was table was Emmett McCarty, Robbie's long term best friend. Apart from me, Emmett was the person he was closest to. He was the typical class joker, but if you hurt one of his family or friends then he'd turn into a grizzly bear. His black hair and adorable dimples made him a complete heart throb.

His girlfriend of six years, Rosalie Hale, was sitting next to him. She was the beauty queen of our year. Her blonde hair was always shiny and perfect around her face. They'd been going out since they were eleven years old. Every girl was jealous of her and every guy wanted her.

Next to me was my own best friend, Bella Swan. She was quiet and sometimes rather shy, but I loved her like my own sister. I'd known her since I was a baby and she had been in my classes ever since I could remember.

Her boyfriend, Edward Masen, was sitting on her other side. He was the tall, dark, and handsome type. He had untidy, bronze coloured hair, and his eyes were a deep green. I could tell exactly why Bella loved him so much.

So that left Robbie and me. We sat ourselves down with our trays, and as any other day, we began joking and laughing. Until the doors to cafeteria opened and in stepped the latest student to join Forks High.

Emmett was the first to look up and I saw him watch the new guy walk in. I didn't realise what Emmett was doing at first, his arm was waving around in front of him. But it didn't take long to realise that he was flagging him down.

"Jasper, get yourself over here!" Emmett roared. The poor boy looked startled to say the least. He was about to sit down at the only empty table in the room when Emmett's voice boomed out across the cafeteria. Everyone looked in his direction instantly. I could see, even from where I sat, the grimace that formed on his face. It was obvious that he didn't like to have a lot of attention on himself.

"Emmett! What are you doing?" Robbie hissed to his best friend. We all looked at each other mouthing the same thing: _What's going on?_ Since when did Emmett know the new student? Why was he inviting him to sit with us?

"What? He's on his own. I can't leave him to sit there. You know the others will rip it out of him if he sits alone. Come on, he's alright," Emmett whispered, as much as he could in the loud cafeteria hall.

We all looked at him sceptically. It wasn't as if it was against the Forks High law if someone new sat at our table…it was just _our _table. But as Jasper got closer, we all controlled our expressions until he was standing in front of us.

Emmett turned to us all and then back to Jasper who looked rather anxious. I could tell he just wanted to sit down on his own and eat his lunch, and then get out of here. Poor guy, he almost looked like he was in pain.

"Guys, this is Jasper Whitlock, he's in my calculus class. Jasper, this is the gang I was telling you about. This is my girl, Rose. That's Edward and Bella, and these two are Robbie and Alice," Emmett said pointing to each of us as he introduced everyone.

Jasper looked at us each in turn until he got to Robbie and me, and immediately he looked away. I could tell that he was remembering what happened in English this morning.

I knew it must have been hard for him, having to get to know a lot of new people. Especially being forced to sit with those he didn't know by someone he'd only just met. It couldn't have been easy.

After Emmett finished, Jasper was still standing at the end of the table. It was apparent that nobody had moved to make a space for him to sit. I looked around awkwardly and made Robbie move up closer to Bella so that Jasper had a space to sit.

He looked at me, passing a quiet thank you my way before he sat down and began eating his lunch. Emmett tried making conversation with him, and he joined in, but I could tell that his answers were reserved. He wasn't good with strangers, I guessed.

Emmett and Rosalie got up first and left. I noticed the way that Jasper watched them leave. I was sure that he was using Emmett as his lifeline. No one else had really made an attempt to start a conversation with him. I felt immediately bad at that realisation. I was the only person sitting next to him.

"So, Jasper, what class do you have last?" I asked, trying to keep my voice light. He had been staring at the patterns on his tray and I could tell that I had startled him when I spoke. He looked at me with a confused expression on his face for a minute before finally answering.

"I think I have American history next, with Mr Williams." He sounded unsure as he spoke. I laughed, I just couldn't help it.

"It's actually _Miss_ Williams. I wouldn't call her Mr Williams; you'd be whacked with detention so fast you wouldn't know what's hit you until it was too late," I informed him as best I could whilst laughing. At first, he looked quite angry about something, but it went away quite quickly, being replaced by a grin. I realised, that in all the time he had been sitting with us, it was the first time he'd properly smiled. But it soon left his face again.

"So, you've had _her_, then?" I smiled at his emphasis on _her_.

"Actually, I still have her. I've got American History next, as well." His expression remained the same, although I swear I saw him grimace slightly. I couldn't understand why he did that, but I let it pass, like I'd done in English.

"That's great, maybe we could go toge-" He stopped abruptly mid sentence as Robbie's arm wrapped around my shoulder. I frowned when I felt myself leaning towards him. I noticed Jasper was glaring at something to my side. I realised quickly that it was Robbie he was glaring at. I turned to look as well, wondering what Robbie's problem was. But as I did so, he pulled me closer and kissed me.

I reacted to his kiss - I couldn't help it. But I only reacted for a second before I pushed him away. I noticed the angry look he gave me, as I said, "Stop it, Robbie."

I knew what was going on. Robbie was getting jealous because I was talking to Jasper. That little show of affection was Robbie's way of showing everyone – _Jasper_ - I belonged to. To say that I wasn't angry at him would be an understatement. I just couldn't believe that he was getting jealous in a situation like _this_.

I nudged him in the chest and he turned away from us, roughly pulled his arm of my shoulder in the process. I clenched my teeth and looked back at Jasper who was staring at his tray again. _Was he smirking?_ I tapped him on the shoulder and he looked at me again.

There it was. A God damn smirk!

"I would love to walk with you to American History," I told him, but when he didn't respond, I continued. "Just ignore him, Jasper. I think he's on his time of the month or something."

Even though it was meant to be a joke, neither of us laughed.

The rest of lunch went by pretty quickly. I talked to Jasper mostly, considering that Robbie was being an ass and decided to blatantly ignore me. _Stuff him, _I thought, ignoring him right back. I didn't even know what I had done wrong. I was still a little angry by his behaviour towards me, so I wasn't going to try and make up with him.

As Edward and Bella left, Jasper used the excuse to drop his rubbish off in the bin so that Robbie and I could have some time alone. I waited for Robbie to collect his things together, wondering how he was going act with me. But as he stood up and I went to say goodbye to him, he just walked off without saying a word.

I watched him walk out of the cafeteria and not look back. I could suddenly feel the heat behind my face and a single hot tear fell from my eye. This was ridiculous. What had I done for him to blank me and not even say goodbye?

"Alice? What's happened?" Jasper demanded, coming closer. The timbre of concern was evident in his voice. Jasper was standing only a metre in front of me. He looked honestly concerned, but I could tell he was keeping his distance. I was certain he had seen the little brush off Robbie had just given me, how could he not have?

"He…nothing, I'm just being stupid. Come on, let's get to class," I assured him, trying to sound nonchalant, but failing miserably.

I knew it would just sound stupid if I told him that Robbie didn't say goodbye to me so I started crying because of it. Not many people would understand, but I did. We had known each other ever since I was nine months old and we'd been inseparable since then. For him to brush me off like that was something I'd never experienced with him before, and it chilled me to the core.

I didn't speak much as we walked to American History. I was surprised that I actually managed to get to the right block. I hadn't really been paying attention to anything that wasn't Robbie.

When we entered the classroom, Jasper sat next to me. He had unpacked his things and was writing the date in his text book even before I really snapped out of the daze I was in. The teacher set us work to do, but I wasn't really concentrating.

"I like your bracelet. Did you get it for your birthday or something?" I looked down at my bracelet and started twisting it around my wrist subconsciously.

"Well, actually quite a few birthdays. It's from Robbie, he gives me a charm for each birthday," I informed him. My voice was slightly distant as my mind wandered back in time.

"Wow, there must be like ten charms on there." He seemed surprised. From the look on his face I was guessing that he was working out just how long Robbie and I had known each other.

"Thirteen, actually. He gave me the empty bracelet on my fourth birthday, then after that he started with the charms. Technically, it was his mom's idea at first, but it's still special to me."

We were both silent for a moment. I began thinking back to all the times we had shared in the den at the bottom of my garden, especially the memories of opening up my new charm and attaching the new addition to the bracelet.

"That's such a nice thing to do, especially if you have someone special in your life." I didn't register how forced his voice sounded.

"What about you, then? Got anyone special?" He was silent and I immediately realised that it wasn't the best idea to ask him.

"I did…Maria. I've known her since before I can remember." His eyes were distant as he spoke, I was sure he was thinking about her.

"I'm sorry," I replied. "It must be hard to be without her now."

He sighed and looked down at his book. I could tell that it was a sore spot for him. I really felt for him, he must miss her so much.

"Like you wouldn't believe…" But it was barely a whisper and I wasn't sure whether he'd actually said it. We were silenced after that by Miss Williams who told us both to get on with the work and we didn't get much more time to talk until the end of the lesson.

The bell finally rang and we walked together out of the building into the parking lot. He was getting the bus home so I said goodbye to him at the bus stop. I walked towards where Robbie's car would be parked and found that he was waiting for me already. He was leaning against the side of his new BMW he'd been given for his birthday last month. His expression told me that he was brooding; I could tell he was still in a mood with me still.

My point was proven when he saw me coming and got into the car without saying anything. He was still silent as I sat in the passenger seat. The ride back to his house was quiet and awkward. Many times I opened my mouth to say something, only to close it again.

As we pulled up on the driveway I noticed that there was no one else at home. I followed him inside, and he _still _didn't say anything. I could feel the anger bubble up inside me. What the fuck had I even done to him?

"Alright, I've had enough of this pathetic silence. Would you please tell me what the fuck I've actually done?" That started it; I could tell that he was pissed off as he turned and glared at me. He was lucky I didn't take a swing at him, I was that angry that I probably wouldn't think twice about doing it.

"You were encouraging that idiot to sit with us at lunch. You should have just ignored him, he'd of got the message." The malice in his voice was evident as he called Jasper an idiot. It shouldn't have bugged me, but it did.

"WHAT? This is about _Jasper_? Oh my God, Robbie! _Seriously_! You're ignoring me because I _talked_ to someone?" My voice raised a few octaves as I spoke. I couldn't help but want to stand up for Jasper.

"Oh, don't give me that innocent shit, Alice. You saw the way he looked at you, I bet he wants to fuck you because of the way you put yourself in front of him." I felt the pang of dejection through my heart as he spoke. We never argued like this.

"_Put myself in front of him?_ What the _fuck,_ Robbie? I screeched. The hurt was quickly being replaced by anger as it discharged out of me.

He looked at me incredulously. "So it's alright to flirt in front of me with someone else?" he spat.

"How the fuck was I flirting, Robbie? I was being nice, more than what I can say about you."

"Oh, so I didn't talk to him so now that means that I'm the one to blame here? Right, okay."

"Fuck you, Robbie. So what if he likes me, it's not as if you haven't got girls after you! You know Lauren would do anything to have you." It hadn't crossed my mind that Jasper liked me. Hell, I thought he had been extremely distant with me. I wasn't lying about Lauren. I'd seen the way she looked at him.

"Yeah, but I don't fucking _talk _to her, do _I_?" Robbie screamed at me. I recoiled at his words. I couldn't remember the last time he'd screamed at anyone like that; he'd certainly never used that tone with me before.

"Oh, so I'm not allowed to talk to any other guys now, huh? Is that it? Fine, I won't talk to anyone, won't even talk to Emmett or Edward. You might be getting the wrong impression. Wouldn't want that to fucking happen now, would we?"

I was shaking with anger as I turned towards the door, pushed it open and stormed down the drive way. I heard him run out after me and I also heard him call my name. But I didn't stop, I just kept walking.

I was in tears as I walked through the front door at home. I could hardly breathe; I was so worked up. I couldn't believe that I'd just had my first full blown argument with Robbie because I decided to talk to Jasper. This was just bullshit.

* * *

I didn't even bother saying hello to my parents as I stormed upstairs and into my room. I locked my door, flung myself on my bed and cried into my pillow like I'd done so many times before.

Mom knocked onto the door an hour later telling me that they were all going out to the cinema and wanted to know whether I wanted to join them. I wasn't in the mood to go out. All I wanted to do was wallow in my own misery. She left as soon as she heard the tone in my voice.

I listened to the sound of the car pulling out of the driveway before I got up and out of bed. I went and took a shower, because I honestly felt like crap. The shower helped a little bit. I didn't cry again after that.

I was looking for some clothes in my dressing gown when suddenly I heard a tap on my window. I turned around and frowned when there wasn't anything there. I turned back to my wardrobe only to hear the sound as soon as I turned. This time I went to the window and I gasped when I saw Robbie waiting below.

He looked so helpless standing there looking up at me. I could tell, just from looking at his expression, that he was sorry. I slid open my window and walked back to my bed and sat down. I waited, and soon enough he was there in front of me.

He always used to climb into my room at nights when we were younger, so of course it wouldn't be a challenge for him now.

"Alice, I'm really sorry. I should never have said anything. You know I was just being a complete and utter prick. I shouldn't have said what I did. Of course you can talk to whoever you want. I was just being a jealous idiot, please forgive me?"

He had me at Alice.

* * *

**A/N****: I promised you Jasper, and I lived up to that promise, so please let me know what you think.**


	4. Chapter 3

**A/N****: Thank you to **Jessie-Colleen-Cullen **for reviewing the last chapter, if I hadn't of gotten that review, I doubt I would have updated for a while.**

**This does start with Alice's POV, but it goes into Jasper's POV pretty quickly.**

**A quick note: I don't have tourettes, or anything, but Jasper does have a lot of swearing in his section, especially the 'f' word. I apologise to anyone who doesn't like that… but there's obviously a reason behind that.**

**I'd like to thank Project Team Beta for helping me out. They are really good. You should contact them if you need help. I'd also like to thank Laura for initially going through this chapter for me.**

**Disclaimer****: Meyer isn't my surname, **_**Twilight **_**isn't my story…but Jasper is my boyfriend…in my dreams.**

* * *

**Chapter 3 - Half an Hour Too Long**

**16****th**** September 2008**

**Alice POV**

Jasper didn't turn up to school today. It was only his second day here, and he was already skipping classes. I didn't ask anyone about Jasper in front of Robbie. Even though he said he didn't mind, I didn't want to push it.

I pulled Emmett to the side just after lunch and tried to sound as if I was just casually asking a question. "Hey, Emmett, do you know where Jasper is?"

He shrugged, telling me he didn't know and walked back to Rose, who was waiting for him before class.

I gave up after my first attempt. Emmett was the only person who had really made an attempt to get to know Jasper. If _he_ didn't know, then there wasn't anyone else I could ask.

Robbie didn't drive me home after school, as I had to go to the local library to pick up some books. He had offered to come with me, but I knew he'd be bored after the first few minutes, so I walked to the library alone. It was close to school anyway, so it didn't take very long. I got out my library card, and walked straight to the familiar section full of novels that I'd reread so many times. I noticed my favourite saga of books, they were vampire novels, and I must have read them at least ten times each by now.

I was browsing through the latest books that had arrived when I walked right into a young girl. I hadn't been looking where I was going, and she had run right into me. Her size told me that she was probably around five or six years old. She was tiny, with long honey blonde hair. I knelt down to her level and checked to see if I'd hurt her.

"Are you alright? I'm sorry, I didn't even see you," I said as I looked at her. A quick evaluation told me that she didn't seem hurt, which I was glad about.

"I'm okay, thank you," she replied, nodding her head. There was something familiar about her accent that I couldn't quite place. But before either of us could say anything more, someone called out for her.

"Emily? I told you not to-" He stopped mid sentence as we caught each other's eye. Jasper smiled at me weakly and strolled towards us, taking the girl's hand, who I now knew to be called Emily.

"Hey, Alice."

"Hi, where were you today?" I asked, suddenly feeling genuinely concerned over his absence. He looked down at the girl and sent her away before answering my question.

"I had to stay at home. Just some family stuff, you know."

I could tell instantly that he was keeping something from me. I didn't want to pry, even though for some reason I was drawn to him. I wanted to help him. But I couldn't do that without him letting me in first, and by the looks of things, he wasn't about to do that any time soon. I tried to ignore the fact I was disappointed by this realisation.

"I understand," was all that I could say.

He nodded and went off to find Emily again. I wasn't focused enough to carry on searching for books. I grabbed the ones that I had found and checked them out, then made my way home. I didn't bother telling Robbie that I had seen Jasper out of school.

The next day, rumours were going around about Jasper. The bitch, Lauren Mallory, was spreading shit that he had already left after one day. A_pparently,_ he hated Forks so much he couldn't bear to be here another minute.

I, for one, knew that was absolute crap. I knew for a fact that he hadn't left. He'd told me himself that he was just having family problems. But I never told anyone, not even Bella.

The following day, he still didn't show up. I couldn't understand why, but I began to worry.

* * *

**15th September 2008**

**Jasper POV**

I would miss Texas, even after everything, I'd still miss it. I didn't understand why we had to move so far away. Granted, I wanted to get away from everything, but to move so far away? I couldn't understand it at all. Mom knew what was here for me; she knew what I was leaving behind. But all she would say was, "We have to, Jasper, I'm sorry."

Except, sorry never really did cut it. However, I had to take it because soon enough, we were leaving the heart of Texas and flying North to some wet and windy town called Forks. I never wanted to leave Texas altogether, but when did I ever get what I wanted?

My little sister, Emily, was sitting beside me, chatting away constantly, as she always did. I couldn't expect anything more from a five year old. She was made to sit for a couple of hours on a plane with nothing but me and the window to keep her entertained.

The house we were moving into was small, and looked completely different from our house back in Houston. I didn't like it much; it was too cold. But as I looked up at the house before me, I knew I would be calling this place home for who knew how long.

School was even worse. It was already two weeks into the first semester, and everyone had their own friends. Hell, I'd heard about towns like these, each generation of the family went to the same school.

I walked through the gates of the high school just as the rain began to pour. I made it inside and shook my jacket from the droplets of water. People were staring, of course. I was the new attraction around here. I was the shiny new toy. With any luck, they wouldn't look close enough to notice just how fucked up I was.

First, I had to go into the reception to collect some papers. The old woman behind the desk looked at me strangely the moment she heard my accent. It made me wonder if everyone was going to be as fucking alien to a Texan accent as she was. When I was allowed to leave, I was glad to be shot of her.

As I walked, I looked down at my class schedule and saw that I had Calculus. I _hated_ Calculus with a wild passion. History was my game.

By the time I'd found the right room, it was already five minutes into the class. The teacher, who I found out, was named Mr Varner, sent me to sit at the back with a big looking kid with black hair and fucking cheeky as shit expression on his face.

"Emmett is the name," he said as soon as I sat down.

I looked at him, nodding quickly. "Jasper."

Like the woman at reception, an odd expression flashed across his face when he heard my voice. Before a moment later, he righted himself. I exhaled irately, hoping, belatedly, that he didn't pick up on it.

"Are you any good at Calculus?"

I shook my head. "I fucking hate Calculus."

For some reason, the guy actually looked shocked that I'd cussed. But that didn't put him off, and for the rest of the lesson, he rather annoyingly didn't quit with the chatter.

He talked about his girlfriend, Rosalie, the most. He described her to the point, telling me that I'd recognise her as soon as I saw her. He seemed very proud that he'd snagged her.

I didn't bother to comment on it.

At long last, the class came to an end, and I quickly said goodbye to him, not even bothering to ask him to point me in the direction of the English classrooms. Luckily, I followed the bustle, and found myself in the English department.

Unlike with my previous lesson, I didn't walk in last. People were still entering the classroom when I got there, which meant I was right on time. The teacher introduced herself to me as Mrs Meyer. She didn't tell me where to sit, which made me like her more than the other teacher I'd experienced.

I found an empty table at the back, which gave me a full view of the classroom. Thankfully, I didn't have to introduce myself to the whole class, which saved me from any weird as fuck looks from those around me. I studied the people in the room, wondering if any of them had been in my Calculus class.

That was when I saw her.

She was tiny, with long black hair that fell down her back. Her small facial features reminded me of a pixie, though she accentuated her figure perfectly. I continued to look at her, even when the door opened and she looked over at the latest student to walk in.

It was only when he sat down next to her did I make the connection. He was her boyfriend. When I fixed my gaze onto him, I realised he was the stereotypical jock you saw in the movies. _Of course_, I should have expected that already.

He leaned down and kissed her, and straight away, I knew I should have looked away. But before I had the chance, she somehow managed to catch my eye, and suddenly she was looking right back at me. Her grey eyes watched me, her brow furrowing in some kind of confusion.

I looked away then, knowing already it was too fucking late. She'd caught me look at them, caught me staring while they kissed. I felt a cursed flush form on my cheeks as I thought about the consequences of my actions. I certainly didn't want her to think I was a weird peeping tom.

Thankfully the teacher called the class to attention, and got us to read a fantasy story about vampires. She said the books were her favourite. I eyed her suspiciously; teachers were never like this back in Texas. In Texas, we studied books from authors like Jane Austen and Shakespeare, not modern books about vampires. It made me think that maybe the people of Forks were as strange as its name.

All during the class, I didn't dare look back in the direction of the pixie girl and her jock boyfriend. Even at the end, I rushed from the room just so I didn't have to accidently bump into them.

It worked right up until lunchtime, when I had to sit right next to her.

I had planned to go in the cafeteria, grab a tray full of food, eat it as quickly as possible then leave and just get to grips with the site map before my last lesson – History – began.

But that whole plan when to shit when I heard Emmett shouting at me from across the room, telling me to come and sit with him and his friends. Even from my distance, I could already see the one girl I'd been trying to avoid sitting at the table, with a few others.

I cussed under my breath when I noticed everyone's eyes on me. I knew couldn't stand there, so I moved slowly towards Emmett's table. With each step, I wanted to turn around and get the fuck out of there. I could already see the five faces around the table shooting cautious glances towards Emmett.

This was a really bad idea.

I got a foot from the table when Emmett began to introduce me to each of them. His girlfriend, Rosalie, really was as stunning as he'd described. Not my type, but still, I knew beauty when I saw it. But it was the pixie – Alice – who really caught my eye, yet again.

I looked away from her quickly as soon as our eyes met. I was sure she was remembering our little encounter in English. There was something in the way she diverted her eyes at the same that gave it away. After that, I just wanted to sit down, eat my meal and get out of there even more than I had earlier.

However, nobody moved, and I found myself standing there like a complete idiot as they awkwardly glanced at each other. _Well, isn't this just great_, I thought to myself bitterly. None of them wanted to sit with the new guy.

But then Alice moved, making a small space at the end of the bench for me to sit in. It was fucking tiny, and I wasn't a small guy. I would be squashed up against her. I would be as if she'd invited me to sit on her lap.

I was right, of course, and as soon as I sat down, the scent of her perfume hit me. It was like honey and almonds, mixed with a sweet aroma or something else. Strangely, I found that I actually liked it, and that was never a good sign.

_I can't be dealing with shit like this_, I muttered internally as I quickly started to eat my lunch as a distraction.

Emmett and his girlfriend were the first to get up. I watched them place their tray on the side and walk out the cafeteria. I'd only been sitting at the table because of Emmett, and he'd gone not even ten minutes after I'd sat down. What the fuck was that all about?

I stared down at the patterns on the tray and thought about how quickly I could get up and leave without making it obvious. However, I was interrupted mid thought as I noticed Alice turning towards me from the corner of my eye.

"So, Jasper, what class do you have next?"

Even her voice sounded like something from a fucking pixie. For a moment, I frowned in confusion, completely forgetting what the class was called.

"I think I have American History…with Mr Williams," I finally replied, still not one hundred percent sure I was right.

She laughed, literally laughed right at me. I wasn't amused, not in the slightest, and waited rather impatiently for her to share the damn joke.

"It's actually _Miss_ Williams. I wouldn't call her Mr Williams; you'd be whacked with detention so fast you wouldn't know what's hit you until it was too late."

_Of course_, Miss, not Mr.

"So, you've had _her_, then?"

I grinned as I emphasised the word. I caught myself pretty quickly, letting the grin fall away as rapidly as it formed. I hadn't smiled, let alone _grinned_ in a while. It actually hurt my cheeks a little, but that wasn't what made me stop. It was the fact she'd actually managed to elicit something like that from me.

She smiled back at me, and in conjunction with my previous thought, I wondered why the hell she was actually making the effort to talk to me. No one else bothered, or if they did, they wore that weird expression, as if they'd never heard someone from Texas before.

"Actually, I still have her. I've got American History next, as well."

I tried to hide the sudden grimace that tried to force its way onto my face. She was in my next _class_? God, things just kept getting better and better.

"That's great," I lied, pushing away my sarcastic thoughts. "Maybe we could go toge-"

I stopped mid sentence as her boyfriend, Robbie, wrapped his around her shoulder, pulling on it ever so slightly so that she leant towards him. His hand had knocked into my shoulder as he'd done so, and I gritted my teeth, telling myself he hadn't done it intentionally.

But as I looked up and caught his eye, I knew that wasn't the case at all. He was glaring at me over Alice's shoulder. I met it with a glare of my own. Two could play at that fucking game. But first, I had to work out what the hell I'd actually done to him. I hadn't spoken a damn word to him since sitting down.

It was then, as my gaze flickered to Alice, that I realised his reason. He didn't like me talking to his girlfriend.

It only took Alice a second to catch up on the situation. She turned to look at him, as if she was about to say something. But as she did so, he leant forward and kissed her roughly on the lips.

I looked away this time, my jaw tight. _Fucking jerk_.

I sensed the moment she pulled away from him, and at her next words, I tried to hold back the smirk.

"Stop it, Robbie."

I felt his arm being retracted then, but wisely, on his part, he didn't hit my arm again. If he had, I wouldn't have been quiet about it. Forget that Alice was between us; that wouldn't have stopped me.

But that thought was pushed to the back of my mind as Alice turned back to me, tapping me on my shoulder. I looked down at her, knowing she wouldn't miss the twisted smirk that was still on my face.

"I would love to walk with you to American History." Then, after a moment of silence, she continued. "Ignore him, Jasper. I think he's on the time of the month or something."

I didn't both to laugh because she didn't, either. In fact, she sounded pretty pissed off. I knew that I _could_ have laughed, but I just wasn't in the mood to really wind that jerk up. Though, if he tried anything more, I wasn't going to let it slip again.

However, as the rest of the lunch progressed, Robbie didn't bother to turn around to look at Alice, let alone glare at me. That only told me one thing – he had a serious problem.

The tall guy and the brunette were the next to leave. They both went to put their trays on the side. As I looked up at the clock, I could tell that it was almost time to go, so I gathered my things together and left Alice with her jerk boyfriend.

But as I turned around, I saw him walking off towards the exit without even breaking stride. I glanced over to where Alice was, and straight away I noticed that she was crying.

I walked as fast as I could towards her without making it look like I had just ran straight to her.

"Alice? What's happened?" I demanded, even though I knew exactly what it was. He had ignored her, deciding instead to storm off in a mood.

_I swear to God I'll beat the shit out of him if he made her cry again_. I couldn't even work out why I suddenly felt protective of her. It wasn't like me at all. But…maybe it was because she reminded me of…_no_, I couldn't think of her, not now.

"He…nothing," she began, but caught herself as if she decided against what she was about to say. "I'm just being stupid. Come on, let's get to class."

I knew she wasn't just _being stupid_. He'd brushed her off, left her there to cry. It was hardly how a boyfriend should act. If he was in the right mind, he would be savouring his time with her, not wasting it like a fucking jerk that he was.

In that moment, I had the urge to comfort her myself, and I barely even knew the girl.

She didn't speak to me as we walked towards our classroom. I thought, at first, that we would get lose, as she didn't seem to concentrate at all. But, sure enough, we found ourselves outside the correct room.

I wasn't sure why I did it, but I went to sit down next to her. I quickly unpacked my things and began writing the date and title, noticing how Alice hadn't even got her things out yet. I wanted to tell her to snap out of it, that he wasn't worth it, but I knew I wasn't in any position to tell her that kind of shit at all, so I kept my mouth shut.

The teacher set up some work to do, which I didn't find hard at all, as I really enjoyed History. Besides, I'd already studied this when I was in Texas, so it wasn't hard to work out the answers. So, instead, I unwilling allowed my concentration to slip. It was then that I noticed a gold charm bracelet around her wrist. As she wrote her own answers, I couldn't help but subtly check out each of the charms.

"I like your bracelet."

_What the fuck was that? I _like_ her bracelet? Well, great, now she probably thought I was gay_. She seemed oblivious to my mental screaming fit as she looked down at her bracelet, twisting it around her wrist.

"Did you get it for your birthday or something?" I continued when she didn't say anything.

"Well, actually, quite a few birthdays. It's from Robbie, he gives me a charm for each birthday," she told me in a slight awed voice. _God_. Of course he had gotten it for her, I should have known. But that wasn't what I thought of the most, no, it was the fact they must have known each other their whole lives. _How fucking ironic_.

"Wow, there must be like ten charms on there," I murmured, trying to keep the disdained intonation out my voice.

"Thirteen, actually. He gave me the empty bracelet on my fourth birthday, then after that, he started with the charms. Technically, it was his mother's idea at first, but it's still special to me," she said, with a look on her face that told me she was thinking back to that time.

_Of course_. They were childhood friends. It was like pouring salt into an open wound and rubbing it in. But I couldn't let Alice see what I was really feeling. So I did what I was always good at, and hid it well.

"That's such a nice thing to do, especially if you have someone special in your life," I told her, hoping it didn't sound too forced. Thankfully, she seemed to buy my remark quite easily.

"What about you, then? Got anyone special?"

Oh, again with the rubbing of salt in my wounds. She looked on eagerly, trying to find something new about me. I remained silent for a minute, wondering whether I would even bother to answer. I knew that a part of me just wanted to ignore her completely. But with Alice, somehow, I just couldn't.

"I did…Maria. I've known her since before I can remember," I recited, trying to sound nonchalant. I could tell already that I hadn't completely pulled it off.

"I'm sorry. It must be hard to be without her now," she told me sympathetically, being spot on without even realising it. I looked down at my books them, willing my eyes not to betray me now.

In that moment, I wished with everything I had that I could just go back to Maria in Houston.

"Like you wouldn't believe…" I whispered, not even sure whether she'd heard me. I didn't care, either way, if she'd heard me or not. The wound inside had been reopened. This was _exactly_ why I never talked about Maria with those who didn't know her; it was just too damn painful knowing that we were so far apart.

I was grateful when the teacher silenced the whole class. I was able, then, to keep my eyes fixed on the book. It gave me a good enough excuse to not look at her again. If I did, I was certain she'd try and bring the topic up once again, and I _really_ didn't want that at all.

When the class finally came to a close, we walked out together. She seemed to have totally forgotten the conversation we had had in the last hour, and I was incredibly thankful for that. She said goodbye to me at the bus stop, and I got onto the bus, finding one of the remaining empty seats to sit in.

It didn't take long to get to the road I now lived on, and I was soon walking up the uneven paving towards the front door. Emily should have been in by now, and hopefully Mom would have some kind of meal on. Even after eating the meal at lunchtime, I was pretty hungry now.

But, as I pushed the door open, I found Emily sitting alone in the main room, curled up on the chair.

"Sweetie, where's Mom?" I asked, worriedly. She would never usually leave Emily alone like this…so where had she gone?

Emily shrugged her shoulders slowly. I went into the kitchen then, and spotted a load of bread on the side. Mom had been shopping, at least. I quickly made up two sandwiches and took one into the other room for my sister.

As soon as I gave her the plate, she began eating, and in no time at all the plate was cleared. It was then I wondered if she'd even eaten anything all day. That thought alone worried me even more, and I shook my head, going for my cell phone.

I dialled Mom's number, but typically, I received no answer.

The hours stretched on, with still no show from our mother. I began to really worry as I dialled her number again and again. I made us both some more sandwiches and hoped that by tomorrow, we'd have something better in.

I tucked Emily into bed at seven, and went to sit in my room. I waited up 'til eleven, when finally the front door opened. I stormed downstairs to find Mom locking the door behind her.

"Where the hell have you been?" I demanded, trying to keep the level of my voice to a minimum.

"What do you mean _where have I been_? You know I was out looking for a job!" she shot back, using a voice that hinted I'd asked her something absurd.

I laughed once, it was short and humorless. "What, at a bar? Didn't take long for you to find that, did it?"

She looked at me incredulously, and I just shook my head in disgust. "They were hiring, Jasper, and they gave me a drink. I could hardly turn it down."

I turned away from her. She smelled like she'd had more than just one. "That's bullshit, and you know it. Everyone has a fucking choice to turn it down if they wanted to."

"Don't use that language with me, Jasper," she commanded, ignoring what I'd actually said to her. If she was going to ignore me, then I was going to ignore what she'd just said, too.

"What about Emily, Mom? She was on her own, and starving!" I spat at her. My voice was rising, and if I wasn't careful, Emily would wake up.

"Yeah, well, I'm sorry about that. I wouldn't have done it, but I didn't have the choice. Anyway, I left just after three thirty. You said you'd be in by four. Half an hour, Jasper," she said as if half an hour was nothing.

"It was half an hour too long. What the hell am I supposed to do tomorrow? I can hardly leave her alone all day!" I remarked tersely, hoping that I was getting my point across.

"She's starting school next week. It's only a few more days," she commented, making it sound as if everything was perfectly alright. Sure, it was only a few days, but the thing was, I didn't _have _a few days. I _needed_ to be at school.

I shook my head angrily and stormed from the room. I marched upstairs to my own room. But as I passed Emily's door, I noticed that it was slightly open. _Shit_. We'd woken her up again. When I walked in, I found her sitting hunched up on her bed, her legs tightly tucked in against her chest.

"Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry that we woke you. You need your sleep. Come on, get under the covers," I whispered to her. She blinked away the tears in her eyes and got back under the covers. She always cried when Mom and I argued, which at the moment, seemed to be a regular occurrence.

I kissed her quickly on the forehead, making sure she was settled before shutting her door and going into my own room. I slumped down on the bed, exhausted, and closed my eyes, willing sleep to find me.

* * *

**A/N****: Let me know what you thought.**

**Anyone want to guess why Jasper seems to swear a lot? **


	5. Chapter 4

**A/N****: Chapter 4!**

**Thank you to Project Team Beta for helping me with the grammar errors in this chapter.**

**Disclaimer****: Emily, her mother and the old woman who seems far too happy to be sitting in a library all day are my own creations. But everything else belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**

**Also, the extract from **_**Alice in Wonderland**_** belongs to Lewis Carroll and any other rightful owner.**

* * *

**Chapter 4 - For You, I'd Do Anything**

**16th September 2008**

**Jasper POV**

The next day, Mom left quite early in the morning, where she was going, I really didn't know, she never told me.

With a grim expression on my face, I sat back and watched as students passed my house on their way to school. It was meant to be my second day, and already I was skipping class. What the hell was the point?

I was the one who had to call the school to tell them that I wasn't coming in. I told them I had to look after my sister. They bought it, and hoped that I'd be back in school soon. I tried not to think of the comments they'd pass once I'd put the phone down.

Emily got up shortly after me, and complained that she was hungry. But we had very little food in the house. What was I supposed to feed her?

I dismissed the idea of having sandwiches again, and got her dressed into her day clothes. Once she was sorted, we walked to the diner in town. It was small, but the waitress was nice and brought us both warm waffles and syrup.

Emily wolfed them down as soon as they were in front of her. Only minutes later, her plate was completely empty. I hadn't realised how hungry she really was. The waitress eyed her worriedly, and brought her more waffles. I told her that I only had enough money for the two we'd ordered, but she told me I could have them for free.

I thanked her profusely. I didn't know why she was being so kind to us, but I could tell from the look in her eyes that she was wondering where our mother was. Hell,_ I_ didn't even know where our mother was. Although, I could hazard a guess at where I _thought_ she was.

She was becoming an alcoholic, I could see the signs. My father had been an alcoholic, too. It was the booze that probably led him to walk out on us. That was what set Mom off, at the start. The depression got too much for her, and she didn't have control of things like she used to.

She had to stay at home looking after Emily, who hadn't even turned one at the time our father walked out. That meant she was spending all her time with Emily, and not working. This only led to her not being able to keep on top of the bills and payments that were due. She turned to alcohol, decided to move us out of our family home, and brought us here.

Mom was in the first stages back then, as she didn't turn to alcohol all the time. But if something wasn't done about her growing addiction, then she would turn to alcohol more and more.

But now she was turning into my father. She was becoming unreliable, with no food in the house and hardly any money coming in. Emily had been too young to notice the signs the first time round. But she'd see things now. She'd know what was happening.

I promised myself, as I watched her eating her second plate of waffles, that I would do everything in my power to stop her from being involved. I would protect her. I would make sure she was fed properly, and that she could get to school each morning without any problems.

It was what happened yesterday that really got me thinking. Mom had left Emily alone - even if it was only for thirty minutes - she still left her alone. She wasn't a bad mother, nor was she one to neglect her children. But we had hardly any money, and what we did have was being spent on keeping the house. Having no money led people to become desperate and do things they wouldn't usually do, like leave their children home alone.

So I knew my first task would be to get a job. At least that way I wouldn't have to rely on our mother to provide the sole income. I would be able to pay my way, too. I would help, and maybe, just maybe, I could save her from the devil that took over my father.

I told Emily to stay in her seat while I went up to where the waitress was sitting by the till. When I reached her, she smiled at me warmly.

"What can I do for you, dear?" she enquired in a kind voice.

"I was wondering whether you had any vacancies going."

In all honesty, I didn't care where I worked. I would work anywhere if it meant I could look after Emily properly.

"Oh, I'm sorry, but we're fully staffed," she said, sounding genuinely apologetic. I smiled weakly, knowing it wouldn't reach my eyes, and went to sit back down with Emily. I waited until she finished her plate, and then got out my wallet and went up to the main desk to pay.

But she waved me away. "Like I said before, they were for free. You both looked like you needed a good hearty meal, no offence.

I thanked her again, but as I turned away, she called me back. "Listen, if you're looking for a job, you should try down at Newton's. I recently heard they were hiring again."

"Thank you, ma'am," I said and turned away. I noticed the look she gave me that said _what a lovely boy you are. _I snorted to myself as I stepped outside. She didn't have the faintest clue about me.

It was only just after eleven in the morning, and I didn't feel like going back to the house. There was nothing to do there; it wasn't even _home_ to me. So I took Emily's hand, and we walked down the main road, trying to find _Newton's_ store. I had no clue where it was, but I wasn't about to go back inside the diner and ask for directions.

On the way, we saw a library and a local grocery store about ten minutes walk from the diner. At least I would know where to go if we were out of food. That is, of course, if we actually had the money to pay for said food.

I kept an eye out for the store, but I couldn't find it anywhere. The place was fucking nonexistent. Hell, _Forks_ was nonexistent. I hadn't heard of the place until we passed the _Welcome to Forks_ sign for the first time.

I gave up looking, and decided it was probably best if I asked someone where to go. That was when I spotted a woman walking with a small girl over the other side of the road. After looking both ways, I crossed the road and called out to her. She turned to me cautiously, but smiled when she noticed Emily.

"I was wondering if you could point me in the direction of Newton store," I told her once we were in earshot. She thought for a moment, before turning around and looking down the street.

"You see that sign down there?" she said whilst pointing down the way I was heading. "Well, you take a left once you reach that sign, you walk for about one hundred metres, and there should be a right turning. If you carry on down there, Newton's should be just on the left."

"Thank you," I murmured, genuinely grateful I finally knew the way. She smiled and I just nodded back. She turned away and told her daughter – Nessie – to follow. After inspecting my watch, I decided to go find the Newton's store. It had just gone quarter past twelve.

Surprisingly, the female's directions were pretty accurate, and we came to a stop outside a small store called Newton's Olympic Outfitters. A camping store, _huh_, we certainly never had those in Texas.

As we walked in, I had to stop my eyes from widening in disbelief as I took in the woman who was milling around behind the counter. She was tall and blonde, although her hair was done up at the back of her neck. She was wearing a pale purple top and black skirt. She certainly didn't look like someone who worked in a shop where people bought camping gear.

She must have heard us come in, as she turned to greet us with a smile. I told Emily to go look at some of the children's tents in the corner while I spoke to the owner.

"What can I do for you?" she asked in a professional voice.

"I was wondering whether you had any job vacancies."

I didn't bother mentioning that I heard they had, it would be interesting to see what she said.

"Ah, yes, you've come at a good time. I was thinking about putting up a sign to advertise the jobs, but it seems I don't have to. Usually, I would give you an application form to fill out, but to be honest, I'm a bit busy."

I tried to keep my expression neutral as she finished. I had to stop myself from looking around and saying _yeah, all this work…it's overwhelming._

"So, when would you want to work?" she enquired.

I thought for a minute. I didn't really have any plans for well, _anything_ right now. I could work whenever, as long as it wasn't school time.

"Anytime really, be it either weekends or after school. I don't mind," I told her. I didn't care when I worked, just as long as I was working.

She asked a few more questions about previous jobs and what my grades were at school. Then she asked for my phone number so that she could contact me about the job soon. I gave her my cell number, as I doubted that Mom had set up the landline yet. I said goodbye to the woman, who I now knew to be Mrs Newton – or Karen, as she had told me to call her – and took hold of Emily's hand once again.

"Where are we going, Jasper?" Emily asked as we walked back into the main town area. I looked down at her as I thought about my answer.

"I don't know, sweetie. Do you want to go home_?" _I asked, hoping she wouldn't say yes.

"No, home is boring," she stated in a very matter of fact voice.

"Okay, well, I saw a library earlier. How about we go find you some books?" I asked. She nodded enthusiastically as I led us both back towards where I'd seen the library.

We found it easily enough. The town was relatively small, nothing like what it was like back in Houston. When we walked in, I noticed an old woman who seemed far too happy to be sitting in a library all day.

I took Emily towards the children books area, and waited as she picked one she wanted me to read to her. I smiled when I noticed she had chosen _Alice in Wonderland_. She loved that book. I used to read it to her all the time in Houston, it helped her sleep. I could practically read it off by heart these days.

We found a secluded area of the library and sat down on one of the cushions that were on the floor. I pulled her onto my lap and began to read.

"Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank, and of having nothing to do: once or twice she had peeped into the book her sister was reading, but it had no pictures of conversations in it, 'and what is the use of a book,' thought Alice, 'without pictures or conversations?'"

We stayed like that for two more hours.

* * *

"Come on, sweetie, we need to get going," I told her as I went to put the book back.

She pouted and remained where she was. "But I want to know what happens when Alice meets the queen in chapter eight," she whined. I just shook my head at her in amusement.

"Sweetie, I think you already know what happens next," I told her teasingly. She knew the book better than I did, and I was the one who was reading it to her each time. I'd just sat there reading seven whole chapters to her. I had a cramp in my leg, and how I was thirsty as hell.

"Look, we'll come back tomorrow and read the rest, alright?" I just hoped she wouldn't remember the copy we had at home and demand I read it to her tonight. I loved my sister more than anything in the world, but even I wasn't about to read to her all day.

Thankfully, she just smiled and skipped off ahead of me. I _hated_ it when she did that.

"Emily? I told you not to-"I shouted out to her, but stopped abruptly when I saw that she was standing next to Alice. I gave her a weak smile, knowing it wouldn't reach my eyes and took Emily's hand in mine. "Hey, Alice."

"Hi, where were you today?" she asked me. I knew that was coming, of course she'd be curious over my whereabouts. I told Emily to go look at the books around the corner, before I went to answer Alice's question.

"I had to stay at home. Just some family stuff, you know_," _I told her, trying to be blasé about it. But from the look on her face, I knew she wasn't satisfied with my answer at all.

"I understand," she said simply. I didn't really know what else to say to that. What, _yeah, thanks for understanding I have serious problems, and a mother who can't even stay at home to look after her five year old daughter for a couple more days_? As if.

I nodded at her quickly and turned to go find Emily. I didn't look back at Alice as I led Emily to the front and left the building. I wasn't in the mood to walk around any longer. I was worn out, and I'd barely done anything all day.

On the way back, we quickly nipped into the grocery store to pick up some necessities. Then together, we walked back home in silence. When we got in, the house was empty – as expected. I sent Emily off to go wash her hands while I went to make us both some sandwiches. I knew it wasn't going to be a nice dinner, but at least she was getting some food in her stomach.

That was my main priority.

I tucked Emily into bed around seven and sat with her until she was fast asleep. I watched her for a little while longer. I doubted there was anything I wouldn't do for her. It was passed eight before I finally went back and sat in the kitchen with a glass of water, waiting for Mom to come back home.

She came in at nine thirty, smelling of a brewery, but surprisingly sober. In fact, she didn't look like she had drunk any type of alcohol at all. But, of course, appearances were deceiving.

"How was your day, Jas?" she asked when she saw me sitting in the kitchen. I looked up at her briefly before looking back at the empty glass in my hand.

"Uneventful," I muttered in a bored tone. "I might be getting a job, though," I added.

"Oh right?" That was all she came out with as she poured herself some orange juice that _I _had bought with my own money earlier on today.

"Yeah, down at the local camping store," I said. I doubted she cared where it was. The only thing she cared about was that it was a job.

"That's nice," she murmured as she milled around the kitchen, making a sandwich for her dinner, just like Emily and I had.

"Where were you all day?" I asked after a minute of silence. She couldn't have been at the bar all day. Even for someone with her problems, it was a bit much to spend the whole day there.

She finished chewing on a piece of her sandwich before she answered. "I was down at the local grocery store most of the day. I've got a job there in the day. They said I could start workin' straight away."

Strange, I hadn't seen her in there.

I just nodded at her, not wanting to talk anymore, and then made my way upstairs. As soon as I was inside my room, I lay down on my bed and closed my eyes. I was completely exhausted. I missed Texas, a lot. Things were so much easier a year ago.

I kept thinking about home, and what it had been like to spend my childhood there. Somewhere in that time, I must have fallen asleep. My memories merged into my dreams, and suddenly she was there, at the end of the aisle, looking at me. Beauty radiated from her as she smiled at me.

Not liking the space that was between us, I took a step closer. But as I moved, she remained the same distance away from me. I took another, and another, until I was practically running in my attempt to get to her.

Yet she remained where she was, the distance between us never decreasing. She stood there, smiling like the angel she was. An expression that told me she already knew I would never be able to get to her was spread across her face.

I bolted upright in bed, covered in sweat, or maybe tears, I wasn't sure. My chest heaved as I tried to return my breathing to normal. I looked over at my clock. It was just after four in the morning, and there was no way I was going to be able to sleep again, for the nightmare was back.

In truth, it never really left me.

* * *

**A/N****: Interesting ending, huh? Let me know what you think, even if it's only a few words.**


	6. Chapter 5

**A/N****: Chapter 5!**

**This starts off in Alice's POV, and then finishes with Jasper's POV.**

**I posted a new story called **Safe Haven. **It's an Alice/Jasper fic. Check it out if you have the time.**

**I love Project Team Beta, enough said.**

**Disclaimer****: The words are my own, but the meanings are not. Though, two of the teachers are my own creations, Mr. Banner obviously belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**

* * *

**Chapter 5 - You Can Talk to Me**

**Alice POV**

**22****nd**** September 2008**

Robbie pulled into our usual parking space next to Emmett's Jeep. It was raining – as usual – and I refused to get out of the car until an umbrella was present. I glanced up at the Jeep window and saw Rosalie looking out of the front window with a grimace. Anyone would think we'd be used to the rain by now.

After ten minutes, I felt my door open and Robbie leaned in holding an umbrella. "Babe, come on. The bell is about to go."

I huffed and got out of the car. I hated the rain; it always made me feel down. But as I stepped out, Robbie wrapped his arm around my shoulder and sheltered me from the rain. As we walked toward the entrance, I saw the school bus pull up. After a series of students hopped off, I saw Jasper step off the bus. He didn't look up as he hunched his shoulders and pushed his hands in his pockets, making his way towards the entrance. He looked absolutely miserable.

Robbie must have followed my line of sight as the muscles in his jaw were tight. Even though he didn't say anything, I could guess what he was thinking. He was jealous again, for no reason at all. I knew Robbie was one of the people who hoped Jasper had really left Forks after only one day. I really didn't know what he had against Jasper. But whatever it was, I didn't like it.

I said goodbye to Robbie at the doors and made my way with Rosalie towards our first class of the day; Biology. Mr Banner always dragged out his classes. Both Rosalie and I _hated_ Biology. It wasn't that we were bad at it; we just didn't have any interest in the subject.

Today was no different. We had to write about the difference between anaphase and prophase and draw diagrams of them. I doubted whether Banner really understood what a snooze-fest it actually was.

"Hey, what's up with Robbie?"Rosalie asked after she'd finished colouring in her diagram.

I looked at her, confused. "What do you mean?"

"I don't know. It just seemed like he had something on his mind_," _she said as she reached for her pen. I just shrugged, and then went back to staring at my work, not really seeing what was written there. _I will have to talk to him in English_, I thought to myself.

I said goodbye to Rosalie at the door and made my way towards English. Mrs Meyer had already started letting people in when I got there. I noticed Jasper sitting in the same seat he'd sat in last week. When I walked in he looked up and met my eye; I stopped short at what I saw. He looked almost…tortured. I forced a smile on my face as a greeting - which he didn't return. Instead, he went back to looking at his desk.

Robbie was late again, as he usually was for our second class, on Mondays. Coach Clapp always kept his class overtime. He kissed me on the cheek as he sat down, which made me smile. He never failed to welcome me like that, even when we were in a room full of people.

Mrs Meyer told us all to write a report on the chapters we'd been reading last week. I'd almost kissed her when she said we'd be reading that certain vampire series. They happened to be my favourite books _ever, _and for her to tell us to write a report on them came as easy to me as writing my own name. Robbie, on the other hand, huffed and tried to get me to help him.

He'd always rolled his eyes when I'd mentioned them before. He said they were taking over my life. My response was usually that reading them so many times would pay off one day. I felt like saying 'told you so'. _Mrs Meyer better give me top marks for this_, I thought to myself.

When she dismissed us, I felt a sudden urge to glance over at Jasper, who was mindlessly shoving his books into his bags. He didn't look around as he walked out. I shrugged to myself, and said goodbye to Robbie as I made my way to Spanish. I completely forgot about talking to him.

I sat with Bella in the farthest row from the front. We rarely got any decent work done in Spanish. I was surprised that I wasn't actually failing this subject. As soon as we both settled into our seats and Señorita Ramirez had finished talking, Bella turned to me. We completely disregarded the work we had been set.

"That new kid, Jasper, has come back to school,"she remarked straight away, and I had to smile. Bella might come across as shy, but she was one hell of a gossip when she wanted to be.

"Yeah, I saw him in English just now,"I told her, trying to sound nonchalant.

"He seems a bit…strange, don't you think?"she murmured, struggling to find the word to best describe Jasper.

"I would say 'tormented' fits him better,"I whispered back. Her eyes widened, and she gave me a look that begged for me to explain.

I sighed, and thought back to the look he'd given me earlier. "I just get the feeling that he's really hurting, you know?"

"Really?"

"Yeah, you should have seen him earlier. His eyes…"I shuddered. "It was like he didn't have a soul. Okay, that's a little drastic, but you get the picture."

"Oh my God," she murmured, her eyes widening even more.

"Miss Swan, Miss Brandon, please complete the work that has been assigned,"Señorita Ramirez shouted from her desk. Damn, I hadn't finished talking yet.

After Señorita Ramirez looked away and went back to marking some work, Bella turned to look at me again.

"Apparently he's got a job at the Newton's store. Karen told me yesterday that he would be starting soon. I hope he isn't taking my job,"she said, sounding a little miffed.

"Hah, I doubt Mike would allow that,"I muttered back with a giggle. "I think he lives to see you at work every weekend. Imagine what it would do to him if he went into work and saw Jasper instead of you."

Bella burst into fits of laughter at the visual, which set me off, as well. We both calmed down after a few stern looks from our teacher. Teasing Mike Newton was one of our favourite pastimes. The idiot has had a crush on Bella ever since he moved here from California when he was ten.

Finally the class came to an end, and we were allowed to leave. Bella groaned as we made our way to Gym. She hated Gym. She was always such a clumsy thing, even as a small child.

We were lucky enough to be in the same class as both Rosalie and Emmett. I felt for Robbie and Edward, who were both separate in their own classes. We were playing volleyball this term. Bella remained at the back, while Emmett played up front with both Rosalie and I covering him.

I wasn't overly fond of Gym, but it was one of the only classes that the majority of us were in together. It would be even better if Edward and Robbie were with us; we'd have made an amazing team.

"God, I'm so hungry I could eat a fucking horse,"Emmett called out as we exited the Gym block.

"I don't think they serve that in the cafeteria, Emm,"Rosalie said as she took his hand.

When we walked into the cafeteria, we saw that Robbie and Edward were already sitting at our usual table. We all grabbed a drink and a slice of pizza – Emmett grabbing four slices – and went to sit down. We were there for no more than a minute before Emmett brought up Jasper. I had seen him sitting alone, and admittedly I felt sorry for him.

"Ali, go get Jasper over here,"Emmett said as he reached for his second slice of pizza. I looked at him incredulously while feeling Robbie stiffen beside me.

"What? Why should _I_ go get him?"

"I got him over here last week. Besides, you asked about him before,"Emmett said, shrugging. I had to stop my eyes from bugging out. It wasn't as if he knew not to mention it, but still, _way to put your foot in it_.

I gritted my teeth as I watched Robbie stabbing at his food a little too forcefully. _Just great,_ I thought to myself. Guys were so damn confusing. Why the hell was Robbie being like this about Jasper?

"Alright,"I said through gritted teeth as I stood up and made my way over to where Jasper was sitting. I sat on the seat across from him, and only then did he look up at me. Once again, I was startled at how tortured his eyes looked.

He didn't say anything, which came across as quite bizarre. I thought he'd at least greet me. Instead, he went back to shovelling his food into his mouth. My eyes widened slightly as I watched him. From the way he was eating, it looked like he hadn't eaten anything in quite some time.

"Why don't you sit with us?"I asked him after he didn't bother looking back up at me.

He shrugged. _"_I get the feelin' I'm not welcome,"he replied in a bored tone.

"Don't be stupid, of course you are."He looked up at me then, his expression was pretty much the same, but the words _yeah right _should have been written on his face. It was that obvious.

"Look, I'm not leaving until you come and sit with us,"I told him, feigning a stern voice. "Come on, my pizza's getting cold."

He still didn't move.

I sighed, grabbed his tray from in front of him and went to stand up. The glare he gave me almost stopped me, if looks could kill, and all that. But I took a deep breath through my nose and turned back towards our table. I heard the scraping of a chair behind me, and I knew that he was following.

When I reached our table, I looked around and inwardly grimaced as the only spare seat was the one next to me. I just hoped, as I placed the tray down, that it wouldn't be a repeat of last week with Robbie.

I sat down and started eating the pizza, when I felt Jasper sit down next to me and slump forward in the chair, as if he was trying to block me out. I tried not to think about it as I went back to eating my lunch. It was silent for a little while, before Emmett started up a conversation with Edward about some new video game.

I caught Bella's eye for a moment as she quickly glanced at Jasper meaningfully, then back at me. I grimaced slightly then looked down at my tray. I was sitting between Jasper, who looked like he was doing all he could to disappear, and Robbie, who was holding his plastic fork so tightly I thought it was about to snap.

Finally, the bell rang, signalling the end of the lunch hour. Quite frankly, I couldn't have been more relieved. It was like sitting in a morgue. It was so silent sitting between Robbie and Jasper.

Emmett offered to take all of our trays as we stood up to leave. I was preparing myself for another brush off with Robbie, when he surprised me by saying he wanted to talk.

"Make sure you're free on Saturday. I want to take you out somewhere, just you and me,"he said before leaning down and kissing me a little too passionately for school. I heard the chair next to me scrape loudly against the floor, and I knew it was Jasper. It was then that it dawned on me that this little show of affection was deliberate, just like the first time Jasper sat with us.

Robbie was trying to make Jasper jealous by showing him who I belonged to, yet again. How Robbie couldn't see the way Jasper looked at me was beyond me. It certainly wasn't because he liked me, that I was certain of.

As I pulled away, I quickly glanced towards the exit just in time to see Jasper pushing the door open and walking out. He didn't look happy at all. Robbie said goodbye, seemingly pleased about something, and went out of the other exit that led towards his French class. Once Robbie was out of sight, I made my way quickly towards the exit Jasper had just departed.

When I got outside, I looked around quickly to see if I could see him. I spotted him leaning against the wall with his hands in his pockets, looking away from me. I walked up to him cautiously and stood in front of him, waiting for him to at least acknowledge me.

When he looked at me, I smiled weakly and watched as he pushed himself off the wall. Slowly we made our way towards our history classroom. It was more awkward than that time Robbie's dad caught us making out on the floor. Jasper didn't say _a word_.

As we entered the classroom, he went straight towards the desk that we had sat in last week and sat down without looking back at me. I don't know why I did it, but I sat next to him.

* * *

**Jasper POV**

I saw them all walk into the cafeteria hand-in-hand and laughing their damn heads off. Yeah, life was all peaches for them right now.

The pasta I grabbed was bland as cardboard, but I'd given the last of the food to Emily, and I was starving. I'd eat anything edible right now.

I didn't bother looking around as I shovelled the cardboard crap into my mouth. No one sat with me, not that I wanted anyone to keep me company. I wouldn't talk to them if they did.

Suddenly, I heard the chair opposite me scrape along the floor, and I looked up to see that Alice was sitting across from me. I met her eye for a short moment, before I went back to shovelling the food into my mouth. I wasn't in the mood to talk to her right now, and hopefully she'd gut the hint.

Sadly, she didn't.

"Why don't you sit with us?"she said after I didn't acknowledge her. _Maybe because I don't want to sit with you_, I thought to myself.

I didn't look up at her, and instead I just shrugged my shoulders. "I get the feelin' I'm not welcome."

"Don't be stupid. Of course you are."

I looked up at her sceptically. I could see it in her eyes; she didn't believe what she'd just said any more than I did.

"Look, I'm not leaving until you come and sit with us."God, she was so fucking persistent. Couldn't she see that there wasn't a chance in hell of me getting up on my own and going over there? "Come on, my pizza's getting cold."

_Do I give a shit_?

I wasn't expecting her to reach out and grab my tray from in front of me. I had the right mind to grab her wrist and pull the tray from her grasp. But it probably would have hurt her if I did that, so I didn't.

Instead, I glared at her as she stood up. Her eyes widened slightly, and I knew I'd scared her. _Great_.I thought she was going to put the tray back down, but instead, she turned away and carried it toward the table she was sitting at.

Standing up swiftly, I thought about just leaving. But then I knew I'd have to face her in History, and I wasn't in the mood for her interrogation. So, grudgingly, I followed her. She placed the tray right next to where she sat.

_Did she just assume I wanted to sit next to her_?

I could see Robbie gripping his fork like he wanted to hit something. _Hit me, you bastard, take_ _everything I fucking have while you're at it_, I thought darkly.

I sat down next to her and leaned far enough forward so that Alice, and every other person around the table, would know that I didn't want to talk to them. I didn't want to be here. Hell, I didn't even want to be in Forks, let alone their shitty school. I wanted to be back in Houston. I wanted to be home.

It was silent around the table; the awkwardness was palpable. Even though there were seven of us now, no one talked. That was until Emmett started up a conversation with the tall guy whose name I didn't know, and frankly, didn't want to know, either.

Finally the damn bell rang, and Emmett offered to take everyone's trays. I tried to smile as a thank you, but it just never came, so I just nodded at him. That was when I heard bastard Robbie and Alice stand up. I half-expected him to do what he did last week, and just walk off without saying goodbye. Today, I wished he'd done just that.

"Make sure you're free on Saturday. I want to take you out somewhere, just you and me,"I overheard him telling her a little too loudly. He then went on to kiss her like he was about to go away for six months. I wanted to punch the twat. Maybe then he'd beat the shit out of me, and put me out of school for a few more weeks so I didn't have to see the perfect couple. I'd let him win, of course, but not before getting a couple of punches in first.

I pushed my chair backwards, rather more briskly than necessary, and after slinging my bag onto my shoulder, I stalked off towards the exit. I didn't bother looking back as I made my way outside. It was only when the door closed behind me that I realised my mistake.

_Fuck, _I knew I had American History, and that meant I would need to find my way there without Alice.

I don't know why I did, but I leaned back against the nearest wall and waited for Alice to come out, which she did a few minutes later. Thankfully, she was minus a certain bastard. It was almost too much when she looked around for me. Even after acting like the grim reaper with her, she still looked for me.

I quickly looked away from her as she was about to turn in my direction. Again, I wasn't sure why I did it. I was being a dickhead. Anyone else would have just waited for her inside.

When I sensed her coming to a stop in front of me, I turned to face her. She smiled at me weakly, a gesture which I didn't bother returning. Instead, I just pushed myself off from the wall and slowly we made our way to the classroom.

It was completely silent as we walked. She didn't say _a word_. It was almost like last time. But I certainly wasn't about to start up a conversation. The silence didn't bother me as much as I was sure it bothered her. I was far too used to the silence by now to let it trouble me.

Finally, when we arrived at the classroom, I went in first and sat in the same seat that I did last week. Strangely, she came and sat right next to me, even though I knew that there were other tables that were completely empty around us. Miss Williams handed us both a sheet of paper and asked us to fill it in. I busied myself with that so that Alice wouldn't have to talk to me.

It worked for the most part, until Miss Williams gave us a five minute break in the middle of the class, and told us we could talk quietly amongst ourselves.

"So,"Alice began, turning toward me. I had the urge to groan and turn away from her. But I didn't.

"Who was that girl you were with last week?"

"My sister."

"How old is she?"

"Five."

She was silent for a moment. "Shouldn't she have been in school?"

I gritted my teeth. "I had to look after her last week, as she only started school today."

"Where are your parents?"

I knew that one was coming.

"What are you? The fucking Spanish Inquisition?"I growled at her tersely. Her bottom lip trembled, and she turned to face the front, letting her hair fall forward so that I couldn't see her face, which was a deep shade of red.

Admittedly, I felt slightly bad for saying it. But she was prying into shit that she didn't need to know about.

She was silent after that; we both were. I didn't apologise, although I guess I should have. Miss Williams handed us some more sheet work; thank fuck it wasn't partner work.

Finally, the bell rang, signalling the end of the school day. I quickly gathered up my books and roughly slung them in my bag. I just wanted to get out of there. I pushed my chair under the table and made my way into the hallway. I was about halfway towards the exit, when I heard someone calling my name.

"Jasper!"

It was Alice. Maybe I'd left something behind in my hurry; it was the only conclusion I could come up with as to why she was calling my name. But when I turned around to face her, she was empty-handed.

"_What_?"I said abruptly when she caught up with me.

She bit her bottom lip briefly, as if she was contemplating whether or not to say it now that she was in front of me. I felt like telling her to either spit it out, or stop wasting my time.

"You know you can talk to me, right?"she said, taking me completely off guard. _That_ I wasn't expecting her to say.

"What?"I repeated, this time in confusion.

"Whatever it was that…happened," – she glanced up at me briefly – "that makes you act like…"

She shook her head, as if deciding not to finish her sentence. "I just want you to know that you can talk to me about it, if you want."

With that, she turned away and walked off towards the exit without glancing back at me. I watched her until she went out of sight. There were people pushing against me, trying to get out. But it may as well have been an empty corridor, for I barely noticed them.

There was just Alice. The girl, who hardly knew me, yet seemed to be able to read me like an open book. She was the first person to ask me whether I wanted to talk about what happened, and she didn't even know what it was.

* * *

**A/N****: Please let me know what you liked about this chapter.**

**So, does anyone have any ideas regarding what happened to Jasper? I'd love to hear your thoughts! ****Also, what do you think about the behaviour of the three mainies, Alice, Jasper and Robbie?**


	7. Chapter 6

**A/N****: Chapter 6!**

**You won't believe how challenging this chapter had been for me to write. It had remained unwritten for months. No jokes.**

**I generally dislike this chapter. Mainly because I don't do fluffy, lovey dovey stuff very well. I prefer the angst and the drama; you'll see what I mean as the story progresses.**

**The only reason this chapter exists is because of two sentences. I won't tell you which ones, although I'm sure you'll guess which ones I'm referring to.**

**Disclaimer: I was looking at my birthday certificate the other night, and guess what? The name **_**Stephenie Meyer**_** wasn't mentioned **_**at all.**_

* * *

**Chapter 6 - Perfection**

**27****th**** September 2008 **

**Alice POV**

After telling Jasper that I was there for him to talk to, he seemed to ignore me even more than he usually did. Emmett had to practically drag him over to sit with us on Tuesday, which was really quite a worrying sight. Wednesday, he was actually sitting at the table already, though I had my suspicions that he'd had a class with Emmett just before lunch.

On Thursday, he wasn't even in the cafeteria, and he didn't turn up to school at all on Friday. But I didn't have time to think about Jasper, not today. Robbie had tod me last night that I had to be at his house for eleven in the morning, and to not eat anything big for breakfast.

I quickly pulled my jacket on and ran downstairs to say goodbye to my parents before leaving for Robbie's. He only lived a few streets away, which meant it took all of about ten minutes to get there.

When I knocked on the door, Robbie's little brother, George, answered. He was the same age as my sister, Cynthia. I'd tried many times to set them up, much to their annoyance. They talked, but I guess they just weren't as close as Robbie and I were at their age.

"Robbie will be down in a minute, dear," his mom, Jenny, told me. I was over their house so much that she was like a second mother to me. It was the same for my own mother and Robbie.

I was sitting in the main room when Robbie walked in, telling me that we were ready to leave. I kissed him quickly on the cheek as a greeting and followed him outside to the car. He still hadn't told us where we were going, but when he left Forks and started driving in the direction of Port Angeles, I gathered that was where we were headed.

After a while, we finally pulled up in a small parking lot near the water front. It was a calm day, and there were very little clouds in the sky. I decided to leave my jacket in the car; I doubted there was any need for it.

"Follow me," Robbie said as he held his hand out for mine. We walked a little the water front until we came to a small restaurant that I'd never heard of before. As he led me through the door, I was surprised to find that it was like one of those picturesque little cafes where couples went for a quiet lunch date.

Robbie asked for a table for two, and the server led us up the stairs to a more private area where only four tables sat. Thankfully, they were all empty, which meant we had the area to ourselves. The server smiled at us and asked for our drink orders, then brought us each a menu. When she gave us a moment to choose, Robbie took my hand around the table.

"What do you think?" he asked whilst gesturing around with his other hand.

"It's beautiful," I said, taking in the details of the room. "How did you ever find out about this place?"

He chuckled softly. "Actually, it was Mom who told me about it. I told her what I had planned, and she suggested this place. She said it was very you."

I shook my head in amusement. "You know, sometimes I think your mom knows me better than you do!"

After that, we both spent a minute looking over the menu. I decided on fresh tomato ravioli that Robbie suggested I'd like.

"I'm really glad you liked this place," he said after our food had been served. "I really wanted today to be perfect."

I smiled whilst taking his hand over the table. "Everything is perfect when I'm with you, no matter what we do."

His smile widened at what we said. It wasn't often we let out soppy, romantic comments like that, but when we did, it was always a private moment as this was right now.

For the rest of the meal, we spent it engaging in idle talk about memories from our childhood. He told me one story of when he'd dared Emmett to run butt naked across the street when they were fourteen. If he did it, Robbie was going to give him one of his best video games. Emmett, being Emmett, took up the dare, and as he sprinted outside, he ran straight into old Mrs Cope from the reception; she'd been out walking her dog.

Robbie had been standing at his gate, with a camera the entire time, documenting the whole thing. After that, Emmett had run back in, with tears of laughter in both their eyes. Once Robbie had finished retelling the story, we were both laughing so hard that someone had to come and tell us to keep it down.

Robbie refrained from telling me any more funny encounters, and decided to order us our desert. We shared it, then once he'd paid, we made our way back outside into the cool Port Angeles afternoon.

After noticing that the sea front was clear, we decided to go down to the water and take a stroll across the sand. We both took off our shoes and socks to dip out feet into the water. I yelped and jumped back as the freezing cold water touched my bare skin.

Robbie grinned cunningly and stepped towards me. There was something in his eyes that told me I should run, but I just wasn't quick enough. I squealed as he kicked a spray of water in my direction.

I ditched my shoes at that point and sprinted up the water front away from him. But I didn't stand a chance against one of the best at track events in Forks High. As a moment later, I felt his arms wrap around me from behind and lift me from the ground.

A noise, that was a mixture of a giggle and a squeal, escaped my lips as he swung me around and moved us both towards the water. I heard the splashing of the water a second before my feet were dunked into it.

Suddenly, Robbie spun me around so that we were face to face. Before I had to chance to say anything, his lips were on mine. He pressed them against mine softly, pulled back, and then repeated the action before slowly deepening the kiss.

I felt a frisson of butterflies in my stomach at the sensation. No one else was ever going to make me feel the way Robbie did in that moment. Hell, I never _wanted_ to see if anyone could make me feel the same way. For this was it for me, there wasn't going to be anyone else, and I really couldn't complain.

"Come on, we best get going," Robbie muttered as he pulled away and gotten me away from the freezing water. I frowned slightly; I had been hoping we could stay here for a little while longer. I really didn't want to go home just yet.

"Do we have to go?" I asked, hoping he'd understand that I didn't want to leave. But he merely smiled and tugged on my hand, leading me back towards where the car was parked.

"We're not going home yet," he finally told me, then quickly kissed that top of my hand which was still encased with his.

"You mean you have something else planned for today?" I asked, the feeling of excitement and anticipation building up inside me once again. He have me his devilishly seducing smile that always turned by inside to jelly. To keep up with him, I had to take a deep, calming breath.

I was surprised when he led us back to where the car was parked. I had assumed that whatever it was he had planned next was going to be in Port Angeles. But as he got into the car, and we began driving out of Port Angeles, I soon realised that I was wrong.

I was completely in the dark as he drove. I attempted to ask him where we were going, but he ignored my questions, and said that I had to wait and see. I loved and hated surprises in equal measures. I loved the fact that, whatever it was he had planned wasn't something you could do in either Forks or Port Angeles. But what annoyed me was the waiting. I was practically bouncing on my seat in anticipation, so when he pulled over on the side of the road, and told me to get out, I was more than intrigued.

He took my hand in his once again and slowly led us away from the road side. I'd never been there before, nor had I heard the name of the place when we passed the road sign. All I knew was that it was halfway between the two towns.

My mind started to jump to conclusions as we walked in silence. We had literally only just eaten, so he couldn't be planning a picnic by the water. Maybe we were just going to sit together in the peace and quiet?

_That would be nice_, I thought to myself, imagining the peacefulness that sitting by an empty lake would bring.

But the idea was squashed when I saw a man standing by what looked like a small dock. I wondered what the hell he was doing there, just standing on his own, not doing anything. But my question was answered when he turned around, obviously hearing our approach, and came towards us.

I glanced quickly at Robbie, assessing his reaction to the man's behaviour, but it seemed this was all part of the plan.

"Ah, yes, you must be Robert Grayson," the man said as soon as we were in earshot. Robbie nodded, and the man held out his hand for him to shake. I smiled faintly as I watched them shake hands; it seemed like such a traditional form of greeting somebody.

"My name is Jackson Carter," he introduced as he let go of Robbie's hand and nodded at me politely. "Now, if you'll like to follow me, your ride is just over the hill."

I glanced at Robbie cautiously; what the hell was this guy on about? Our ride was just over there? He'd pointed to somewhere further down the dock that was currently out of sight.

Robbie didn't say anything to me, instead, he squeezed my hand slightly and gave me an encouraging smile as we started to follow Jackson in the direction he had pointed out.

I didn't know what it was I expected as we got over the hill, but my eyes widened in surprise when I saw a small boat coming into view. Did Robbie set this up just for the two of us?

I couldn't stop the smile form plastering itself across my face. Robbie saw it and leant down, whispering something into my ear.

"Do you like it?"

I nodded vigorously in response. "How did you organise this?"

"Jackson owed my dad, and I knew he had the boat, so I asked if we could borrow it for a while." Then, as an afterthought, he added, "With his supervision, of course."

Jackson turned to us, then, oblivious to our small conversation, or at least, pretending he hadn't heard in any case. He passed us both a life vest, but didn't tell us to put them on. He then led us onto the boat, and showed us where to sit.

I'd never been on a boat before, nothing like this one, anyway. It wasn't really a big boat, but it still felt private as Jackson went over to the drivers seat and sat down, placing the boat starter key into the ignition.

It was amazingly peaceful as he pulled away from the dock and sailed out into the middle of the lake. It surprised me that I hadn't actually heard about this place before. It sure wasn't small or insignificant; I could see that now as the boat sailed to points in the lake where you couldn't even sport where we'd boarded.

The view from the middle of the lake was breathtaking; it was definitely something I'd have loved to sketch, given the opportunity, and sharing it with Robbie made it even more special. It was slightly chilly, though, so I snuggled up closer to him in the large passenger chairs.

"This is perfect," I murmured as I entwined my fingers with his. He gave my hand a little squeeze and pulled me even closer.

"I'm glad you think so," he said gently. "That was my only intention."

We settled back into a comfortable silence as we took in our surroundings. It was so peaceful and private, and everything about it reminded me of what I wanted in my life. I never wanted this to end, and I wasn't just talking about the day. I wanted _us_ to never end.

As if he knew what I was thinking, I felt his lips press into the top of my hairline. The gesture was so soft and gentle that it made me close my eyes.

"I love you, Alice," he whispered into my hair. "No matter what happens, I promise I'll always be with you."

"Good," I whispered back as I twisted around to face him. "I don't think I could live without you."

"I'm not going anywhere," he said as he leant down and brought his lips to my own once again.

As our lips met, we revelled in the slow, languidness of the kiss. I knew then that I was truly happy. Robbie was always going to be with me, and that I knew to be true.

* * *

**A/N****: There isn't going to be anymore fluffiness like this for a **_**very**_** long time.**

**What did you think of the chapter? Does it make you like Robbie a little bit more? I hope it does, Robbie is lovely when he's with Alice, regardless of how he may act with Jasper.**


	8. Chapter 7

**A/N****: Chapter 7!**

**If any of you were wondering how l****ong this story is going to be, then I can tell you that, at the moment, the total stands at around eighty-six chapters. Yeah, it's a long one I'm afraid!**

**Thank you to Project Team Beta for looked through this chapter for me, especially VotreAmant, my first assigned beta to this story.**

**Disclaimer****: Would the real Stephenie Meyer please stand up… *remains seated***

* * *

**Chapter 7 - How You Affect Me**

**29****th**** September 2008**

**Alice POV**

After my date with Robbie ended, we'd driven back to Forks slowly, and spent the rest of the day in each other's company. When we arrived back at the Graysons house, we found it was empty. Jenny had left a note, saying that she had taken George out for the day, and wouldn't be back until later. I couldn't help but think she was subtly trying to give us some alone time, without having to worry about the possibility of intrusion.

We didn't waste the chance, and spent the rest of the - family free - evening together, enjoying each other on a much more personal level. It had been a perfect ending to a perfect day. I just wished that every day was the same. But Monday came around far too quickly, and that meant another full week of school to look forward to.

I loved Forks and its small town reputation. But – and each of my best friends would agree – we couldn't wait to get out and explore life outside of Forks High School. We'd all applied to universities in various different states earlier than we needed to, but we knew from previous experiences that it was better to submit your application as soon as possible.

I was very interested in art and design, and I knew, as soon as I looked at college prospectuses, it was the only thing I wanted to pursue in life. I'd put in my application to Oakland a few days before Bella's birthday. I was nervous as hell about the response, which I knew I wouldn't receive until after the New Year had passed.

Out of all the colleges that I'd talked to on their open-house days, Oakland was the one that felt _right_. So I would remain with my fingers crossed until I received their response letter.

We were all going off to different colleges, including Robbie. It was a hard concept to get my head around, to know that in a year, we would all be separated out in different states, and each learning something completely new. It terrified me and excited me in equal measures.

So, we were making the most of the time that we had left together. But, I knew that it was decreasing with every passing second, quicker than any of us anticipated.

"Does it _ever _stop raining around here?" Rosalie muttered as she shook the droplets of water from her coat.

"Don't ask such a ridiculous question, Rose," Emmett said as he ran his fingers through his hair briskly to get the water out. He looked like a dog shaking his fur out.

We were all standing around inside the entrance, idly waiting for the bell to ring, to signal that our first class was about to start. I hated getting to school early, especially when it was a miserable day outside.

Robbie, Emmett and Edward were having an animated talk about the next Xbox marathon they were planning, when the door opened, and Jasper stepped in, shaking the rain from his jacket.

He met my eye momentarily as he passed. I was slightly shocked to notice that his eyes were almost black in colour, and the bags underneath them were just as prominent. I wondered to myself, as I watched him walk away, what it was that kept him awake and prevented him from getting the sleep that he looked like he so badly needed.

"Was that Jasper?" Emmett asked, his voice breaking me from the reverie I'd fallen into. I jolted slightly, and had to ask him to repeat his question, even though I'd heard him perfectly clear the first time.

"Yeah, it was," I replied, after he'd repeated himself. "Why?"

"We've got Calculus together, that's all. I think I'm gonna go catch up with him. I need to ask about some homework that was assigned." He quickly kissed Rosalie goodbye, then waved at us all, before disappearing in the same direction Jasper had departed to.

Robbie didn't make a comment, nor did he look remotely bothered by the mention of Jasper. I smiled slightly at that realisation. It didn't sit well with me to see Robbie being so hostile towards someone he barely knew.

Finally, the bell rang, allowing me and Rosalie to make our way to our first class. We spent the majority of the hour talking about the date I had with Robbie last weekend. She aww'd and sighed in all the right places as I'd explained the boat trip and the walk down the waterfront. I'd already had the exact same conversation with Bella, on Sunday, when we'd spent three hours talking on the phone. It would have been easier – and cheaper – to have gone to each other's houses and talked face to face, but we never did things the easy way.

As I walked to English, I found myself thinking about Jasper once again. I didn't know why or how he always seemed to find his way into my thoughts; he was just…there. Wherever I was, or whatever I was doing, as soon as Jasper would walk into the room, I noticed him. Whenever I would look around, and he happened to be in the same area, my eyes would cross his.

I didn't have a crush on him, which I knew without even having to think about it. I loved Robbie with my whole heart. There just wasn't any _room _for me to like Jasper that way. So, I was confused, not understanding the pull he had on me.

As usual, when I rounded the corner to the English department, my eyes landed on Jasper, just as he rounded the corner at the other end of the corridor. I stopped moving as soon as I saw him. He didn't notice me at first, but when he glanced up, he, too, stopped and just stared at me.

I wanted to go up to him and say hello. I wanted to go start up an idle conversation. I wanted to ask him why the hell he seemed to make it his main objective of the day to just ignore me as much as possible. The way he acted shouldn't have hurt me. It shouldn't have made something inside me physically ache whenever he stared at me without any emotions.

Yet, it did, every time.

He looked away, then, and quickly disappeared through the door to our classroom, without another glance in my direction. After someone knocked against me, trying to get down the corridor, I forced my legs to move forward. There weren't many people in the classroom when I finally entered. I tried to kid myself that it was only because he was in line with the doorway that I looked at him. However, I didn't do a very convincing job, at all.

I don't know why I did it, but I walked forward, completely in the wrong direction from my usual desk, and slowly passed by his. I knew that I was secretly hoping he would look up at me and say something, but he didn't, and there it was again - that short, painful pang in my chest when he didn't even acknowledge my presence.

"Hi, Jasper." My voice was a small, faint whisper of what it usually was. For some reason, it sounded more like a question than a greeting, as if I was asking him if it was alright for me to talk to him.

"Hi, Alice," he replied, his voice almost monotone. I felt it again, the twinge in my chest that made me visibly grimace. I knew he didn't miss my change in expression; I could see it in the way he stared up at me with his dark eyes. It was as if they were searching, looking for something I didn't know how to give him.

_Talk to me, _I screamed at him from within the confines of my mind. I wouldn't say it, I wouldn't demand for him to speak to me, not now. Instead, I remained staring at him, unable to break the reverie we were holding with each other, his eyes constantly searching.

The noises of the classroom broke me from our tableau, and I released the breath I hadn't realised I was holding. I bit my lip as I felt my eyes sting with premature tears. I didn't understand where they came from, or why I was suddenly so overwhelmed with emotions that I felt like crying. He'd said all of two words to me since I'd walked in.

But that was exactly it.

I turned away from him, and practically ran to my desk, before sitting down heavily in the seat. I didn't dare look up again, even though I could feel his eyes burning a hole in the side of my face.

I didn't even register Robbie sitting down beside me. I only returned a small hello when he greeted me. It was the first time, in a long time, that he hadn't kissed me on the cheek. Which meant that Robbie had noticed something was wrong. After all, he knew me inside out.

"Alice? What's wrong?" he questioned softly, shuffling closer to me, and taking my hand that was resting on the table. I looked up at him slowly, and just shook my head, not knowing how to answer his question.

"I don't know," I murmured. "I just feel a bit down right now."

A worried grimace spread across his face as he pulled me closer and held me against his chest. I closed my eyes, momentarily feeling a little bit better as he comforted me. But as I opened my eyes, my gaze landed directly on Jasper, just like always. He was staring back at me. His expression told me that he was trying to work something out, something I knew I'd never know about.

I didn't see Jasper again for the rest of the morning classes. My mood didn't improve at all, and I moved around the school at an unimaginably slow pace. It earned me a tardy from Señorita Ramirez when I turned up to Spanish five minutes late. Bella noticed my mood as soon as I sat down. She tried finding out what was wrong with me, but I couldn't tell her what it was. I couldn't tell her Jasper was the cause because I didn't understand it enough myself, without having her trying to dissect the meaning behind it.

Lunchtime was worse. I could tell Robbie was worried when I only took a bottle of water for lunch. I left earlier than everyone else, so that I could go drop off my tardy slip at the reception area before History.

After what happened this morning, I wasn't looking forward to the class at all. I had a whole hour of sitting next to Jasper to look forward to, most probably in absolute silence. Would I talk to him? Would he talk to _me? _Or would we sit there ignoring each other, whilst I felt pang after pang as each silent minute passed?

As I entered the classroom, I had to stop my heart from sinking right into my stomach. Jasper was sitting at one of the empty tables at the back of the room. My legs took over my brain as I walked over to where he was sitting, stopping in front of his desk.

"You're not going to sit next to me?"

My voice was, once again, a feeble whisper. He looked up at me straight away, the shock in his dark eyes being prominent. He opened his mouth, as if he was about to say something, but then closed it again when he decided against it.

I closed my eyes and nodded quickly. "Okay," I mumbled, and then turned away, making my way towards the empty table as quickly as I could. I couldn't explain how much that one, small action of not sitting next to me, had hurt. It scared me a little bit to realise that.

When the chair moved next to me, I all but jumped out of my skin. My heart flipped in my chest as I watched Jasper sit down next to me and place his books on the desk. It was silent for a moment as we sat there.

"Are you okay?" he asked, turning to glance at me slightly from the corner of his eye. I knew that he wasn't just asking casually. He could tell, along with everyone else, that something was wrong with me.

_No,_ I whispered in my mind. _Not at all._

"I don't know," I breathed out, replying exactly the same way I had when Robbie asked me.

"I'm sorry," he replied, staring at me intensely. Once again I found that I couldn't break our gaze, and I couldn't understand the power he had over me at all. It was so strong, so powerful, and I just…couldn't look away from him.

_He knew?_ Could he tell that he was involved with my current frame of mind? Was that why he was apologising? I didn't ask him to elaborate; I didn't have it in me to verbalise the question I wanted to ask so badly.

A noise to my left startled me, and I broke his gaze to look around. The class was practically full now; I hadn't even noticed the other students arriving.

We sat in silence as the teacher talked about the topic we would by studying today. I almost cussed under my breath when she told us that we were to be working from the course book. There was the thing with the course books. There were only enough for one per table, so I would have to share the book with Jasper.

We worked in complete silence for a while. Jasper was much quicker at the work than I was, as he finished the first page of work before me. I thought that _I_ worked quickly in History, but I could tell Jasper was even better.

We completed the work way before everyone else did, and when Miss Williams examined our books, she allowed us to sit quietly and talk. _Damn her_.

"Are you feeling better?" I inquired after we'd sat there for a full minute in an awkward silence.

"Excuse me?" he asked, turning towards me.

I bit my lip awkwardly, mumbling out my next response. "You weren't here on Friday. I just assumed that you were ill."

"Oh." He breathed out as if he'd just remembered something, and then looked down at the table briefly. "I was looking after my sister."

"Is she okay?" As I spoke, I tried to picture her face from when I'd bumped into them in the library.

He didn't look at me. "She's fine now."

"What was wrong with her?"

"She was ill," he replied curtly. I winced at that. His answers were always so vague and to the point. I tried to hide the grimace that spread across my face as I felt the sharp twinge in my chest once again.

_Why did he have to do that? _I asked myself silently. _Why did he not trust me enough to tell me what was wrong with his sister? Why did he always have to answer me this way? Did he not see what this was doing to me?_

When we were allowed to leave, I couldn't get out of there quick enough. I didn't even wait around in the parking lot to say goodbye to everyone else. Instead, I asked Robbie to drop me off at home. He didn't ask to come in with me; somehow he knew I wanted to be alone.

I almost bumped into Mom as I walked into the kitchen. She was busy sticking a picture to the front of the fridge.

"Where did you get that from?" I asked, as I peered at it over her shoulder. It was a picture of two people in front of a house. One of them was clearly a male, while the other was a small girl. Everything was out of proportion; I guessed a child drew it.

"Emily Whitlock drew it. She said I could have it," she said with a soft smile. I froze momentarily. _Emily Whitlock_ was Jasper's sister. I glanced at the picture again, and as I stared at the male, it suddenly became clear. She had drawn a picture of herself and her brother. But there was one big difference I noticed, he looked happy in the picture.

"Is she feeling better now?" I asked offhand, remembering she had been pretty ill a few days ago.

Mom frowned. "What do you mean?"

"She was ill on Friday." I shrugged as I spoke. "I was just wondering whether she was alright."

"Emily was fine last Friday," she replied slowly, her frown becoming more pronounced. "Why do you think she was ill?"

_She was in school last Friday? He'd…lied to me?_

"I must have the wrong person, then," I replied, trying to be nonchalant about it. She eyed me curiously, but let it drop and turned away. As I turned away myself, Emily's picture caught my eye once again, and I frowned faintly. Jasper had said he was looking after his sister on Friday, but she was in school that day. So he _had_ been lying to me.

But why would he lie about where he'd been?

I tried to wipe the thought from my mind, but I just couldn't. I shouldn't have been bothered about the fact that he had lied to me. But I was, yet again.

* * *

**30th September 2008**

**Alice POV**

It was still bugging me the following morning. No matter how hard I tried to rid it from my mind, I just couldn't shift it. It kept permeating my thoughts throughout the day, until I realised the only way to rest my conscience was to confront him about it.

But that was easier said than done. I'd planned to speak to him after lunch, but Rosalie was talking to me, and when I went to ask Jasper if we could talk, I found that he had already left.

It wasn't until I was walking out of my last class, that I spotted him making his way across from the French classrooms towards the parking lot. I said goodbye to Angela, who had been walking with me, and quickly caught up with him.

I walked right up to Jasper, and stopped in front of him, so that I was blocking his path. He gave me a sinister look, but I didn't let it falter me.

"You lied to me," I accused, surprising myself at how timid my voice sounded. Initially, I'd wanted to be strong and show him that I wanted answers; but sounding like this made it all too easy for him to brush passed me if he wanted to.

"What?" he demanded abruptly, as if he didn't have the time or patience to stand talk to me right now. His brow furrowed in confusion and, if I wasn't mistaken, anger.

"You said you were looking after your sister on Friday, but she was in school that day," I all but whispered. I watched as his features went from being confused, with the hint of anger, to being full on annoyed.

"What, are you checking up on me now?" he ground out, his tone low and irritated. I was beginning to think this wasn't such a good idea, after all. Confronting him was only making him angrier, and if I pushed him any more, he'd start avoiding me at all costs.

"No!" I cried, trying to defend myself, as well as trying not to show the hurt I was feeling in my tone. "My mom is her teacher, and she just happened to mention your sister."

Neither of us said anything more as he stared at me. I couldn't read his expression when I finally dared to meet his eye. His face was just…blank.

"I told you that you could talk to me," I mumbled, breaking the uncomfortable silence that had fallen over the both of us. He stared at me long and hard, and I wondered what was going on inside his mind, when finally, he closed his eyes for a brief moment.

"Sometimes it's better not knowing, Alice," he murmured, and then turned away from me, pushing his way through the crowd that I hadn't even realised was still surrounding us. I watched him walk away from me, finding myself unable to move as I remembered the hurt that I had seen running through his eyes as he had spoken.

I watched until he was out of sight, before I started moving. I couldn't help but feel the need to help him, but there was one problem that I couldn't miss, and that was how he didn't trust me. That realisation hurt so much, and I couldn't comprehend it. I wanted him to trust me. I wanted him to be able to at least trust me enough to confide in me about his sister.

But he wouldn't. Right now, something was stopping him from talking to me, and until that barrier was removed, I wouldn't be able to get through to him.

Robbie was still talking to Emmett and one of Emmett's brothers, Lewis, when I finally made it to the parking lot. I stood by the car, and looked out across the parking lot. Without thinking, I glanced towards the school bus, and watched as the people filed on one by one.

My eyes landed on Jasper at the same time he looked up in my direction. Even though we were far apart, I could tell he was looking straight at me. We held our gaze for a moment longer, before he was nudged forward onto the bus.

"Al, are you alright?" Robbie asked, as I felt his arms wrap around my waist from behind. I could tell he was still wary of the strange mood I was in yesterday, but because I wasn't willing to talk about it with him, he didn't press me.

"I'm just a bit tired, that's all," I lied, hoping he would let it pass. He hugged me tightly for a short moment, before pulling away and making his way to the car. It was only when the bus pulled out of the school gates that I allowed my eyes to look away.

* * *

**A/N****: I was a little bit worried about the reactions to this chapter. But it seems those worries were unnecessary. Do you agree with the way Alice is reacting to Jasper?**


	9. Chapter 8

**A/N****: Chapter 8!**

**This chapter goes back a few days and explains why Jasper wasn't at school on the Friday.**

**I made some character banners for Jasper, Alice and Robbie. The links are on my profile. Check 'em out if you like :)**

**Disclaimer****: I don't own Twilight or more importantly, I don't own Jasper, if I did, you'd never see or hear from me again.**

* * *

**Chapter 8 - Out of My Depths**

**25th September 2008**

**Jasper POV **

_You know you can talk to me, right?_

I did know that. I knew I could talk to her, and I knew that even though it might not seem like it now, it would help.

Nonetheless, I'd ignored her, like the fuckwit that I was. I avoided her around school and tried my damn hardest to not sit with them at lunch, but Emmett wouldn't take no for an answer on Tuesday and all but dragged me over to their table. On Wednesday I had a lesson with Emmett just before lunch, and there was no escaping him or his lunch posse.

Edward had brought up the topic of girlfriends, and decided to ask me about previous relationships in front of everyone. I'd muttered a quick answer and looked down at my plate. The following silence seemed to stretch on forever. When I'd looked up again, I realised that Alice had been staring at me. I met her gaze and we held our tableau for what seemed hours, but I had to look away from her as I saw the meaning behind that stare.

_You know you can talk to me, right?_

Then today, I'd hidden out in the library and gave up my lunchtime meal just so that I didn't have to sit with them. Pathetic, but better than answering their questions, and having to see Alice staring at me sympathetically as she tried to work out what was wrong.

There was a soft knock at the door and Emily stepped in. She was fully dressed in her pyjamas, I hadn't even realised it was her bed time soon. She skipped into the room, and pulled out the strange woollen hat from my bottom drawer. I'd had it for years. I think it was a gift from my father, which was why I never wore it anymore. For some reason, Emily seemed to have an attachment with it, and tried to wear it whenever possible.

"Can you read to me, Jasper?"she asked as she clambered onto my bed next to me. I spied the Alice in Wonderland book clutched under her arm.

I shook my head in amusement. "Sweetie, don't you ever get tired of reading Alice in Wonderland all the time?"

"Nope," she said, popping the 'p'.

She snuggled into my side and I began to read to her. I don't know how long I was reading, but by page seventeen she had fallen asleep against my side. I quietly shut the book and put it back on the side, while I slowly rested her against the pillow and covered her with the blanket.

She shifted slightly, but didn't awaken. I kissed her softly in the forehead then left the room. I didn't want to wake her up by moving her into her own room. I didn't care about having to sleep on the floor.

I made my way downstairs and made myself something to eat. The time between when Emily fell asleep, and when Mom got home from work, was always long and boring.

I got out the homework that I had been set this week. The Calculus work I pulled out of my bag was confusing, and it took me a long time to wrap my head around the equations.

It took longer than what I expected it to, but finally I managed to work out all the questions, and the work was done. I was shocked to find that it was almost ten at night. I'd been sitting there doing Calculus for a good few hours now.

My stomach rumbled softly, and I decided to make myself a not so midnight snack. I flicked the TV on and watched some shit horror movie that was playing. I'd grown up watching horrors, so I didn't mind watching them alone. My DVD collection was large, and the majority of which being horrors. I didn't know what it was about that genre of films that captured my concentration. I just loved the ingenuity that must have been put into creating them, but horrors rarely affected me anymore. Very little things affected me how they used to.

A strange scraping sound from the front door brought me back to reality. I glanced up at the clock briefly, and was surprised to see that it was gone midnight. Mom should have been home by now. Then the scraping sound began again. I stood up, and made my way to the front door. There was someone trying to get into the house.

Then I heard a strange giggling sound from behind the door and I gritted my teeth. It was my mother's laugh - I'd recognise it anywhere, though she rarely laughed these days. She was drunk, I knew that for certain, but who the fuck was she giggling to? Somehow, in her drunken state, she managed to unlock the door. I stood back and watched as she stumbled over the door step, and sprawled face first on the floor.

That was when I saw him, the man – who quite clearly was off his head – stumbled forward and attempted to pick her up. The anger bubbled up inside of me until I could feel it pulsing angrily beneath my skin. What the fuck did he think he was _doing_?

"Get your fucking hands _off _her," I seethed as I glared at him. "Now."

He glanced up slowly, his hands still situated around her waist. He blinked spastically at me a few times, and then went back to trying to pick her up again. It looked as if mom had passed out. _Shit_.

"I _said, _get your hands _off _her," I growled, and this time, he let go and stood up, swaying slightly at the speed of his movements.

"I waz jus tryin' to bring ha home," he slurred, almost incoherently. I clenched my teeth together. I could smell the alcohol from where I stood over a metre away.

"Yeah, and she's home now. So get the fuck out of my house," I commanded. He didn't move at first, but as soon as I took a warning step towards him, he stumbled back towards the door with his hands raised in defence. I slammed the door shut as soon as he was outside. I didn't give a fuck if he collapsed in some gutter somewhere, just as long as he was out the house.

I turned back to Mom, who was still laying face down on the floor. _What the hell did I do now?_ I bent down and tried to roll her over. She was definitely out for the count. I could smell the alcohol on her. It seemed to radiate off her in repulsive waves. I retched slightly at the rancid smell.

I knelt down beside her and lifted her up. She wasn't heavy, but it was the action that made me falter. I was seventeen years old. I shouldn't have to do this. I shouldn't have to carry my drunken mother up the stairs so that I could get her to wake up. Except, I was, and I had to do it alone, like I had to every time.

It was harder to make my way up the stairs with her in my arms. The stairway was small, which meant I had to walk up sideways, so that I didn't bash her head on the wall.

She stirred in my arms, and I felt a hand on my cheek. It was cold and clammy, I wanted to knock it away, and I probably would have done if I had a free hand. I didn't like the way her skin felt.

"Jon," she murmured as she stroked my cheek with her thumb. "My Jon," she said with a sigh, and then she was out cold again.

I was frozen. I couldn't move. I couldn't speak. I couldn't do anything. She thought I was _him. _She thought I was the man that had ruined our family. I _wasn't _my father.

I forced my legs to move forward. My arms were starting to ache from just standing still. I moved her into the bathroom, and slowly placed her on the floor. I didn't have a clue what the hell I should do now. Did I try to wake her up? Did I wait for her to wake up on her own? What if she was sick?

I knew I had to wake her up, it was just the case of how. Should I try and shake her awake? Should I splash cold water on her face? Should I _slap _her? I decided against the latter as soon as it came into my mind. Like hell I was about to slap my own mother to wake up.

I knelt down in front of her and pulled her up so that she was sitting up against the side of the bath.

"Mom," I called softly. I was very aware of the fact that Emily was just across from the bathroom. Mom didn't wake up. I called out to her again, this time shaking her by the arm.

"Come on, Mom," I murmured. "Please wake up."

She made a strange groaning sound in the back of her throat, and moved her lips as if she was about to say something.

"Mom?" I called again, but a little louder than before.

"Jon?" she whispered, but it sounded like a question. She was _asking _for him. I clenched my teeth. Why did she have to keep asking for him?

"He's not here," I growled. I had to keep my anger in check. It wasn't going to help anyone if I got angry right now.

"What?" she gasped, she really was waking up now. "Where did he go?"

"He's _gone_," I replied through gritted teeth. My anger was being fuelled by the hatred I had for my father.

"What?" she cried. She tried to get up, but fell over, bashing her knee against the toilet seat. I could see the tears already forming in her eyes. She was getting worked up, because of _him_.

"What did you do to him?" she asked, raising her voice.

I was shocked at her question, so much so that I was speechless. When I didn't answer her, she lunged at me, pushing me backwards. "What did you _do _to him?" she screamed at me with tears pouring down her cheeks.

_She's drunk. She doesn't know what she's saying. She's drunk. She doesn't know what she's saying._

I kept repeating that to myself in my mind as I stood up and stepped out of the bathroom. I was so out of my depths with this, and I didn't know what to do. I could feel my heart beating faster as I realised that I was scared. Scared of what could happen, scared of what she will do next.

She grasped the sink with both hands and pulled herself up. When our eyes met, the breath gushed out of me in one fell swoop. I'd never seen so much hatred directed at me before, especially not from her.

_She's drunk. She doesn't know what she's saying._

But it was a weak whisper in the back of my mind. I was finding it harder and harder to believe that now.

"You sent him away," she accused in a harsh voice. "Why?" she demanded as she started to stumble towards me.

"Why did you send him away?" she cried. Tears stained her cheeks as she stumbled forward right in front of me, but she fell straight into me and pushed me backwards against the wall.

She gripped my shoulders and allowed her nails to dig into my bare skin. She stared up at me frantically. Her eyes searched mine for something. They flickered from left to right rapidly, like a crazed person.

She shook me, digging her nails into my skin further. I don't think she actually realised she was hurting me.

"Bring him back," she demanded.

I didn't answer her, she was getting hysterical, and even if I said something to her, she wouldn't believe me. My breathing got heavier as I began to panic. How was I going to stop her? What was I supposed to do?

"Bring him _back_," she hollered as she started to hit her fists against my chest, all the while shouting that I brought him back. I flinched away and tried to move away from her.

_She's drunk. She doesn't know what she's doing._

"You're hurting me," I told her as I gripped her wrists in my hand and tried to hold her away from me. She was struggling against me so much that when I let go of her wrists she stumbled backwards and fell to the ground.

"_Mommy_," Emily screamed hysterically from my doorway. I hadn't even realised she was standing there. I ran over to her, scooping her up in my arms in the next moment and carrying her back into my room.

She was crying uncontrollably against my chest. Her whole body shook in my arms. She shouldn't have to see her own mother like that. I couldn't even begin to imagine what her five year old mind was imagining.

I carried her to my bed and sat down in the middle. I cradled her against my chest and raised my knees so that she was completely cocooned.

I winced when I heard Mom throwing up outside. I held Emily closer to me, covering her ears so that she didn't have to hear it too. I just hoped that I as shushed Emily, that Mom had managed to get to the toilet in time. I wasn't about to go out there and clean up after her mistake.

"What's wrong with Mommy?" Emily asked. She was sobbing so hard that her words were marred.

"Nothing, sweetie, nothing," I murmured, knowing that she would hear the lie in my voice. She yawned against my chest and snuggled closer. It was the middle of the night, she had been crying, and she was worn out. There wasn't anything I wanted more than to just sit back and fall asleep with her in my arms, but I knew that I couldn't. Mom was outside, in who knew what state, and I couldn't just leave her there. I'd heard the stories about people who had collapsed whilst drunk and had choked on their vomit. I shuddered at the thought.

I shifted over and lay Emily back down on my bed. She was still awake, but I knew she wouldn't be able to keep her eyes open much longer. She watched me apprehensively. I wondered briefly, as I tucked her in and kissed her forehead, whether she knew what was going on. I doubted that she did.

"Go to sleep, sweetie. Don't worry about mommy, she's going to be fine," I told her, hoping that my voice didn't waiver. She nodded at me then snuggled down and closed her eyes. I just hoped that, as I walked away from her, she wouldn't come back out. Who knew what she might see.

As I stepped outside, I looked around surveying the area. Nothing looked out of place. In fact, it looked as it always did. I walked over to the bathroom cautiously and shook my head when I found her laying on the floor right next to the toilet.

I stood there looking at her for over a minute. I didn't know what to do next. I was tired, I was confused, and I needed help.

_You know you can talk to me, right?_

I closed my eyes as Alice came into my mind once again. This was just another thing I couldn't talk to people about. I had no one to talk to, no one to share this with. I was alone.

I grabbed a facecloth from the side, and ran it under the cold water. I didn't know exactly what I was going to do, but I knew that I had to get her cleaned up. I flushed the toilet which made her jump awake. _At least I don't have to wake her up again, _I thought to myself as I handed her the wet facecloth.

"Wash your face, Mom," I told her in a soft voice. She looked at me cautiously, then took the cloth and started to wipe her face. She was seemingly oblivious of the fact that she had just attacked me. She couldn't remember.

I left her there for a moment as I jogged downstairs and put the kettle on. Coffee supposedly sobered people up, and so I was about to make her a gallon of coffee if I had to.

The kettle took ages to boil, and I began tapping my fingers on the table impatiently, but finally it boiled and I made the quickest cup of coffee ever. I didn't bother putting any milk in there. It probably tasted vile, but I didn't care. Mom would drink it all, even if I had to force feed it to her.

I found her still sitting on the floor against the bath. She was looking around with a dazed expression on her face. I bet she didn't know what was going on. I handed her the cup of coffee and told her to drink it. She stared at it for a long while before she started taking small sips until finally it was all gone.

I took the cup from her and left it on the side by the sink. I looked down at her and noticed how she didn't look as bad as she did an hour ago. I knew what she needed now was to go sleep it off.

"Come on, Mom, get up," I told her as I bent down and gave her my hand. She stood up unsteadily, and slowly I helped her into her bedroom. I wasn't about to help her get changed, and so I took off her shoes and then before I left, I made sure she was tucked up in bed.

As soon as I was outside I slumped onto the floor and closed my eyes. She was in bed now, but there was no way I would be able to sleep. My body craved sleep so badly that it was almost painful, but I knew that I couldn't sleep. Firstly, Mom wasn't asleep yet, and she could easily choke on her vomit if she threw up again. Then secondly, if she decided to get out of bed, god knows what she'd get up to if I wasn't around to oversee it.

So I would wait here, outside her room, and keep watch to make sure that she was alright.

* * *

Somehow, after sitting there for an hour straight, Mom managed to fall asleep, and I had unwillingly allowed my eyes to close. I must have fallen asleep because the next time I opened them it was 7.30am, and my alarm was going off in my room. I stood up awkwardly. My arms, legs and neck were killing me. My arms especially where Mom had gripped them were aching, and after a quick glance, there were two hand shaped purple bruises on both arms.

I checked on Mom quickly to find that she was snoring lightly. She looked peaceful as she slept. Almost as if yesterday hadn't happened. Emily was just waking up when I walked in there. She smiled at me softly when I walked in. I tried to return the smile, but once again, I failed miserably.

"Come on, sweetie, let's get you ready for school," I told her. She stretched, then hopped off the bed and followed me downstairs. I made us both a bowl of cheerios. I wasn't really hungry and ended up mashing them into the bowl with the back of my spoon.

I helped Emily get changed into her school uniform. I brushed her hair and helped her as best I could to make it look presentable. I changed my clothes, splashed my face with water and brushed my teeth. I checked on Mom yet again before taking Emily's hand and walking her to school.

It was always Mom's job to take Emily to school, and when she asked me why Mom wasn't walking to school, I knew I had to tell her something.

"Don't worry, sweetie, mommy's fine. She's just tired, and so I'm taking you," I told her. "But you can't tell people at school about mommy. Not even your teacher, okay?"

She nodded and promised she'd not say a word. I knew she probably didn't understand why, but I also knew she would keep that promise. I knew she wouldn't say a thing if I told her not to.

When I got back home I went straight into the kitchen and rested my head on my arms and closed my eyes. I was exhausted. I certainly wasn't going to school today. I'd look even worse than I usually did.

I must have fallen asleep again because I was awoken by Mom who was shaking my arm. I flinched away as she touched the bruised area, and my movement didn't go unnoticed.

She stared at my arm, and I realised too late as she reached towards me, that I was wearing a t-shirt. She pulled the sleeve up slowly and gasped when she saw the bruises. She lifted her hand and lightly held it over the discoloration. As the tears rolled silently down her cheeks, I knew that she was making the match.

She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around me saying _I'm sorry _over and over again. I held onto her trying to shush her, I didn't want her to get hysterical again.

"I'm going to get help, Jas," she told me against my chest. "I won't _ever_ hurt you again, I promise you that."

As she pulled away, and looked up at me, I hoped that it was true. We held our eye contact for a long moment. I could see it in her eyes, the look that told me she was ashamed of herself.

However, I could also see the way they silently told me that she didn't want to go into what happened. So it was decided, with just one look, that what happened last night was going to go on the list of things we wouldn't talk about again.

* * *

**A/N****: Review, please?**

**Please don't hate the mum for doing what she did. When people are drunk they don't tend to know what they are doing. And for her to see that she hurt her own son, she's realised that she does need help, and she'll get it.**

**If you didn't realise already, Jon is Jasper's father - Jon Whitlock, Jasper's mother is clearly still affected by his absence.**

**While I'm on the whole name thing, Jasper's mother is called Sylvia. I just haven't had a place to add that into the chapters.**


	10. Chapter 9

**A/N****: Chapter 9!**

**I apologise in advance for the massive A/N's you've got to read here…**

**Before I get into the next bit about this chapter, I have a few thank yous to dish out. Firstly, all of those who reviewed** (I've always wanted to say that)**, I love you all, you're all awesome. **

**Secondly, thank you to **juniper294 **for unintentionally giving me a really good idea, I've panned it out and have now planned three new chapters and have managed to add in two things that needed to be addressed whereas before I didn't know where to put them.**

**And also thank you to **Bite Me Jasper Cullen **for firstly making me laugh, and secondly planting an idea of a small one shot from this story – if I get round to writing it, that is.**

**Okay, now onto the actual relevant author notes.**

**I'm nervous. Really, **_**really **_**nervous in fact. This chapter is such a big one that I may run off and hide in a cave until you lovely readers have finished reading.**

**Disclaimer****: I own nothing, not even the laptop I'm typing on, technically it's my brothers. Metaphorically, I'm an ant compared to Stephenie Meyer.**

* * *

**Chapter 9 - Nine Minutes**

**6th October 2008**

**Jasper POV**

Another week. Another round of questions.

I thought about ways in which I could get out of answering them when something distracted me.

"Whitlock."

I spun around as soon as I heard my name being called. The person who had called out to me was standing a few metres away. The expression on his face was twisted with hatred. His eyes were dark, almost like my own.

"What do you want, Robbie?" I growled, meeting the glare in his eyes with one of my own.

"I want you to stop talking to Alice," he ordered in a cold voice. _Of course this was about Alice._

I took a step towards him so that we were face to face. I had a few inches on him, and I used that to my advantage.

"You need to rethink who it is you're telling that to," I began, my voice deadly. "Alice talks to _me_, not the other way around."

"Then don't give her a reason to talk to you," he snarled. He sized up to me as if he was showing me he'd fight over this. If he tried anything like that, there wasn't a chance in hell I was backing away.

"Fuck you," I spat. "You don't tell me what I can and can't do."

His upper lip quivered in anger as I saw the fire in his eyes. My own hands were shaking, and I wanted nothing more than to snap my arm back and punch him square on the chin.

"When it comes to Alice, I _can_ tell you what to do, and you _will _listen to me," he said, sounding as if he was talking to vermin.

I laughed; it was cold, unemotional and heartless. "Or you'll do what exactly?"

The laugh that escaped his lips mimicked my own, but I could hear a hint of smugness in there too, and I wondered if he thought he would win against me; because he wouldn't.

"You continue to talk to Alice, and you'll see what the consequences will be," he murmured darkly. I wanted to retort, with my fists, but someone walked through the doors, stopping us both.

I waited for the person to walk away, even though they kept looking back at us other their shoulder, but finally they disappeared.

"You better stay the fuck away from me, Robbie," I said, fighting the urge to shove him. "And I mean it, because unlike your threats, mine are not empty."

With that I turned around and made my way towards the door and forced it open without breaking stride. As I walked to the Calculus block, I tried to process what just happened. He actually had the nerve to come to _me _and say that he wanted me to stop talking to Alice when it was _her _who always persisted in making conversations. What a fucking controlling jackass. Maybe I should let Alice know about our little conversation and see what she thinks about it all.

My little _chat _with Robbie had made me late to Calculus. Varner was in a mood and whacked me with a tardy slip, _arsehole_. Emmett must have sensed my mood because he asked me what was wrong. I fobbed him off with some story about missing the bus in the morning. After all, I couldn't exactly tell him it was because of his best friend. It didn't take a genius to work out whose side he would be on.

Varner must have been really pissed off because he gave us a ridiculous amount of homework to complete for next week. I could tell Emmett would still be grumbling about it at lunch time.

I don't know why I made my way to English slowly. It wasn't that I was dreading seeing Robbie again, I was the furthest thing from it in fact. I just didn't want to be in the same room as him, period.

The majority of the class was already seated, including a certain two that I saw out of the corner of my eye. As I sat down it was almost as if I could feel his glare burning a hole into the side of my face. I had to resist the urge to flip him the middle finger.

As the lesson dragged along, I pondered over the idea of deliberately going and talking to Alice, just to wind him up. But as Mrs. Meyer said the lesson was over, I realised that it wasn't necessary.

"Hey, Jasper," Alice chirped as she stood beside my desk. I had to hold back the smirk on my face. I could just picture Robbie spitting fire right about now.

"Hey," I replied, turning my head to look at her. She smiled at me warmly seeming happy by my response for some reason. I couldn't help but notice how she always seemed to smile.

"You finished the work set for History?"

"Yeah, finished it off last night," I replied as I finished packing up my bag. I stood up, completely towering over her, and pushed my chair under the table.

"You're going to be sitting with us at lunch, right?" she asked. I stared at her briefly, taking in her hopeful expression.

"I don't know," I hedged, but as I saw her expression drop, I sighed and knew I would have to prepare myself for possible awkward questions.

"Save me a seat, okay?"

She smiled triumphantly and clapped her hands. "Will do," she chirped then turned away from me and all but skipped over to where Robbie was standing with his hands clenched into fists. A cruel side of me took over, and as I glanced back at them, an evil smirk spreading across my face.

In that moment, I was glad Alice had her back to me.

The rest of the day came and went by slowly. Lunchtime was filled with evil glares from Robbie and jokes from Emmett. Lucky for everyone sitting around the table, Robbie and I were sitting at either ends and didn't have to look at each other directly. I was certain that something would have passed between us, and knowing my anger, it wouldn't just have been my words.

I wondered to myself idly as I waited for Alice to say goodbye to him, whether I would ever find out what it was he had against me. It wasn't as if I did something to intentionally anger him when I first came to Forks. And yet there he was warning me off his girlfriend as if I was bad news. Although, if I were honest, I couldn't blame him because if I was in his position and Alice was my girlfriend, I'd do the exact same thing.

I could tell, as he walked away from Alice, that he didn't want to leave her alone with me. Was it jealously, perhaps? Maybe I could tell him that I was in no way interested in stealing his girlfriend, and then maybe he'd stop plotting to kill me with his death glares.

We were early to our History class, which meant we had a few minutes of free time before the class started. I wasn't completely sure whether we were what you would call _okay _after what happened between us last Monday. I still couldn't understand what had been wrong with her that day. But even as I thought about it now, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was the cause. And then not to mention what happened the following day. She'd somehow managed to catch me out on my lie and had had the guts to actually confront me about it.

And then she had said it again, _you can talk to me, _and I knew that she'd never let it go. And so I'd answered her as honestly as I could. _Sometimes it better not knowing_. And in this case, it was true.

"So," she began, breaking me from my musings. "How's your sister?"

"Yeah, she's fine," I replied. I could tell from the look on her face that she was thinking about our conversation last Tuesday as well.

"You seem really close to her," she murmured, a soft smile on her face.

I nodded. "Yeah, we've been through a lot together. And without sounding too cliché, we're like two peas in a pod. There isn't anyone who knows me better than what she does."

And then as an afterthought, I added, "Sometimes, I think she knows me better than what I know myself."

I was silent then and a small smile formed on my face as I thought about Emily. I don't think there was anyone who truly understood the connection we had.

"So, what about you then?" I asked after she didn't say anything more. "Got any brothers of sisters?"

"Yeah, I've got a little sister called Cynthia. She's going to be thirteen in a couple of months."

"What is she like?" I asked. I was surprising myself at how chatty I had become today. Maybe Robbie's threat had had a reverse effect on me?

"She's me, just five years younger," she said, a faint smile on her face. "She looks like me. She has the same hair, same eyes and same height."

She glanced at me then as if checking my reaction to what she was saying, but when she didn't get a reaction, she looked away and started to draw in her planner. I noticed that she had her address, cell number and email all listed on the front page. She was so trusting with her personal details. If someone found her planner they'd know where she lived and how to contact her. I was about to make a comment when Miss Williams called the class to attention and started with the lesson, effectively ending our conversation.

We didn't get to talk much in the lesson, but if we did, it was about the work. Miss Williams was really working us hard. The school bell rang while we were all still working, none of us had even realised that the lesson was almost over.

We all quickly packed our bags up and left the classroom at 3.05. It was a mad rush to get to the parking lot. Ice covered most of the ground, which meant it took us longer to get to the parking lot than normal. I swear at one point Alice was going to get trampled on by some guy in the lower year that skidded on the ground. But I grabbed hold of her at the last minute and kept her upright. She turned to look at me with a strange look on her face. I couldn't decipher what it meant, but the smile on her face told me that it was something good, well, to her at least. It was only when we remained standing still that I realised I still had my hands on her arms. I pulled them away instantly and slowly we made our way to the exit.

The cold air hit us as we got to the parking lot. We'd gone all of about three metres when we heard it.

There was a sharp sound of wheels screeching along the floor as the driver pressed on the brakes. We both looked up in the direction of the sound and what I saw froze me in my tracks.

Alice's blood curdling scream filled the air as we all watched Robbie's body slam into the car's windscreen and fly over the top of the car. It was as if it all happened in slow motion. His body fell to the floor behind the car, his left leg sticking out in a disjointed manner.

There was an eerie silence as the first few second passed, and suddenly she was running. She tore across the parking lot and fell to the ground in front of him. I could see Emmett and Bella running from the other side of the parking lot. Emmett jumped over the bonnet of the car and fell to the ground beside Alice while Bella faltered and fell to the ground about a metre away.

Edward and Rosalie were frozen but moved forward after a moment and were by Bella's side in a second. Everyone else was completely frozen as we watched the situation unfold before our very eyes.

There was no sound, no noise, only two voices. Emmett and Alice. Pleading. Begging. Praying for him to stay with them, to hang in there until the paramedics arrived.

Which they did only minutes later. They didn't even park properly in their hurry. Three of them crowded around Robbie, demanding that Alice and Emmett moved back. Emmett had to practically drag her away. I could see from where I stood that the tears were pouring down her face as her body shook violently. Emmett's wasn't much different.

Everyone watched with bated breaths as they worked over Robbie. It was then that I saw them look at each other. It was that look that told me and everyone around them that he was gone.

"No! You bring him BACK! BRING HIM BACK," Alice screamed at them, straining against Emmett's grip in her attempt to get to Robbie. Her voice was strangled and it broke at the end.

The paramedics shared a glance and the male shook his head slowly and looked at Alice and Emmett. His words, when he spoke, were quiet, but everyone heard.

"I'm really sorry, but there's nothing we can do."

Then Alice screamed. It was the heart wrenching scream of someone whose heart had just shattered into a thousand pieces. Her body seemed to shake uncontrollably and suddenly she fell, her body going limp in Emmett's arms.

The head paramedic moved forward and checked over her. He looked back at his partner and said something I didn't hear. He muttered something to Emmett and tried to take her from his arms, but he practically growled that he would carry her. They didn't try taking her again.

And somehow, even though he was crying uncontrollably, his whole body shaking with the effort, he managed to stand up, with Alice cradled in his arms, and carry her to the ambulance.

Bella got up from the ground and stumbled forward, tears pouring down her face and followed them into the ambulance. She didn't even ask whether she was allowed in there. It all happened so quickly then. The paramedics put up some sort of makeshift wall around where Robbie's body was. Mr. Greene stepped out from somewhere with a mega phone, and commanded that everyone left the premises without their cars and came back for them later when the situation was under control.

Somehow, I managed to force my legs to move, but as I did, my leg collided with something on the floor. As I looked down, I saw it was Alice's bag from where she must have dropped it. I bent down without thinking and grabbed it. The ambulance was cordoned off, no one could get to it, and so I just started to walk towards the exit.

I looked down at my watch briefly, it was 3.14pm. Nine minutes, that was all it took for her world to fall down around her.

I had to walk to pick up Emily. I was going to be very late. I just hope there was a teacher available to stay with her until I arrived. I was in a trance, not thinking about where it was I was going. I just walked.

It was like some kind of twisted kismet. I _hated _him. I hated how perfect a couple they were. And now it was gone. All of it.

Gone.

Emily was waiting for me when I finally got there. I composed myself enough so I could at least respond to her, but I could tell I was still in shock and would be for a while. She eyed Alice's bag as we walked, I could tell she was wondering who it belonged to.

"Jasper, what's wrong?" she asked, looking up at me with her large beseeching eyes.

"I'm just a bit tired, that's all," I lied. She might have only been five years old, but she would know that I was lying.

I tried to act normal around her when we got back home, to save any suspicion on her part, but it was hard. I just couldn't think straight. This whole situation, it was just so... I shook my head and looked down at the bag which was sitting on the table in front of me.

I didn't know when I would be able to give that back to her. I knew for sure she wouldn't be at school any time in the near future. I guess I could give it to one of the others. But I had to somehow let them know that I had it. Although right now, the whereabouts of her bag was the last thing on their mind.

A while later, as I sat there staring at the bag, I remembered looking at Alice's planner in History. She had her address written out in full in there. I could take the bag to her house tomorrow. But that would require me having to go through her bag.

I stared at it long and hard, for what seemed ages before I reached out for it and pulled out the small planner. It was covered in drawings and sketches. In any other circumstances, I would have noticed just how brilliant those drawings actually were. But all I could think of was getting Alice's address. I flipped open the front cover and noted down the address on a sheet of paper. It was only a few streets away. It shouldn't take very long to get there.

I was about to close the planner again when something caught my eye. It was an intricate design of a heart with roses intertwined around the edge. Written in the middle was _Alice and Robbie_. I idly ran my finger over the writing and shook my head at how things had turned out. I closed the planner and placed it back in the bag. I ran my fingers through my hair and closed my eyes, resting my head against the back of the chair.

At some point, the door opened and Mom came in from her first AA meeting. She found me sitting in the kitchen, I hadn't moved. I could tell from the way that she looked at me that she knew something was wrong. I could see it in the way she kept glancing at me.

"Jas, hunny, what's wrong?" she finally asked, after I'd spent the last fifteen minutes staring at the wall.

I turned in her direction and stared into her eyes. I didn't even know how to put it into words.

"There was a… accident," I choked, surprising myself at how quiet my voice sounded. "A car accident… someone died."

She gasped and brought her hand up to her mouth. "Oh my God! How did that happen?"

I shook my head slowly. "I don't know… we were just walking and suddenly…" I couldn't continue.

She walked over to me and placed her hand on my shoulder comfortingly. "Did you know them?" she asked.

"Yeah," I said my voice barely a whisper. "I used to sit with him and his friends at lunchtime."

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Jas," she murmured as she wrapped her arms around me and cradled me how only a mother could. I wasn't sure whether she was expecting me to cry, or tell her how much I would miss him, because I wouldn't. It felt harsh to think like that, but I hated him, and he made it quite clear that he hated me right back.

I was in shock, but it would pass. However, I doubted whether it would _ever _pass for Alice.

"He had a girlfriend," I continued. "They knew each other all their lives."

And then after a moment, I continued. "That's her bag," I said as I pointed to the bag still sitting on the table.

"That's so sad," she said as she shook her head slowly. "That poor girl, what she has to go through…"

I looked up at her and met her eye. I knew what was coming next, and I didn't want to hear it.

"It's so similar to-" she began, but I stopped her as I stood up abruptly. The chair slid across the room, making it screech noisily against the floor.

"Don't say it," I growled at her before reaching for Alice's bag on the table and storming from the room.

I couldn't bear to stay in the same room as her if she was going to bring that up. I didn't need to hear it. I didn't need reminding.

* * *

**A/N****: *hides behind a rock* Oh my god. I killed him, I actually friggin' killed him. **(Please don't cheer!) **I kept saying how much I love Robbie, and I go do this to him. Disgraceful! Although I'm sure this now answers the question: Are Robbie and Alice going to be together for the whole story? Surprisingly, no.**

**Now please, I want you to review. Because this chapter is such a pivotal section of the story that I really need a response from you guys. I beg you **(you know you love me)**.**

**If you're sitting there wondering how the hell someone can get run over in a school car park… well I have three words for you, Tyler Crowley's van, yeah that's right, Stephenie Meyer did it! Well sort of, but you catch my drift. There was ice, there was someone driving too fast and there was Robbie in the wrong place at the wrong time. It happens. Which also rhymes with shit happens. Lol.**

(I laugh at myself for the mammoth A/N's. They are practically another chapter length by themselves)


	11. Chapter 10

**A/N****: Chapter 10! Finally! Sorry its so late!**

**I've had such a bad week, last Friday I tried switching on my laptop and it told me that Vista had corrupted. I cannot access any of my files which means I can't get onto my stories either. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I can get my stories back before they reformat my hard drive by reinstalling Vista… blech, I hate laptops sometimes.**

**Anyway, a very big thank you to **Juniper294** for helping me with certain problems I had with this chapter, your comments and ideas really helped! **

**Also, thank you for all of those who reviewed! All comments are hugely appreciated.**

**Disclaimer****: If **_**Twilight **_**was mine, Jasper and Alice would have been mentioned on every page of the books, and it would be their face on the front cover. **

* * *

**Chapter 10 – He's Gone**

**6th October 2008**

**Emmett POV**

The breath whooshed out of my body the moment it happened. My heart was doing a painful somersault in my chest as I ran forward.

_How could this be happening?_ That was all I could think about. How could this be happening?

I choked on the lump that had formed in my throat and chest as I stared at him. Everything around me faded until all I could concentrate on was the pounding of my heart, and the way the paramedics got to work.

Everything went cold the second I saw the look the two paramedics shared. He was… gone?

There was nothing they could do.

He… was… gone. My best friend was… dead.

In the back of my mind I could hear Alice screaming. It was like that part in the movie where you watch as the world fell down around someone and you could almost feel the pain as it emanated out of them wave after wave. I could feel that pain now, and it hit me, like a knife to the heart. Each wave hit me harder and stronger than the last.

Alice's body shook slightly as all of sudden she went limp in my arms. I was only minutely aware of the paramedics as they checked over her. They muttered something to each other and then attempted to take her away from me. But I couldn't allow that. I needed her. She was the only thing that was holding me down and stopping me from closing into myself and zoning out completely.

"I can take her," I growled, glaring at them, just challenging them to try and take her from me again. They looked at each other briefly before nodding at me and saying something I didn't quite hear.

So I stood, even though my eyes and ears were blind to everything else, and carried her towards the ambulance. One of them opened the back door for me and helped me as I climbed the two steps inside.

I barely heard them as I placed Alice on the gurney in the ambulance. They were just a murmur in the background. Even as they told me to move back out of their way all I managed to do was sit down heavily on the small bench behind me. It was hardly what you would call out of their way, but neither of them complained.

"Emmett." Her voice was as faint as a whisper. I turned to look at her, my own tears blurring my vision. Bella's face was contorted in what I could only comprehend as utmost sorrow.

I couldn't open my mouth to speak, I could barely move at all. Bella stumbled forward, her arms seeking mine as soon as she reached me. I pulled her onto my lap and wrapped my arms around her small frame. I knew that if I thought about it, I was probably holding her too tightly, and that I was probably crushing her against my chest. But I could barely produce a coherent thought. I couldn't do anything, and Bella never said a word.

I wasn't really aware of the ambulance moving. I didn't even know they had left the parking lot. Neither of us moved as the ambulance stopped moving. I didn't even watch as they wheeled the still unconscious Alice out of the ambulance.

"Son, you'll need to move into the hospital," one of the paramedics told me. His voice was calm, with sympathy filling his tone. I nodded slowly as I felt Bella shift on my lap. She met my eye briefly and I shuddered at the anguish I saw in them.

Bella took my hand as soon as we got out of the ambulance. Alice had been wheeled off into the hospital already.

"Go through to the front desk, give them the name of your friend and they will direct you to a place you can sit and wait," the paramedic informed us. We both nodded and mumbled thanks as we walked into the hospital.

"M-Mary Alice Brandon," Bella croaked as we were addressed by the receptionist, Gianna. She tapped away at her computer for a second before sending us to one of the waiting rooms. The room was empty and silent. The only sounds were from Bella's sobs as she cried.

"Oh my God, someone needs to tell Jackie," Bella gasped as she ran a shaking hand through her hair. "And Jenny as well… Oh my God! Robbie!"

Her legs gave way beneath her. I reached out and held onto her before she fell. I pulled her onto my lap once again, where she curled up into a ball.

"Someone would have called them," I said, my voice a breathless whisper, as I felt more tears working their way out of my eyes. Then, as she clutched onto me tighter, we sat and cried.

We both tensed when the door opened, but as Rosalie stepped in, I relaxed. She came towards us immediately. Her eyes were puffy and bloodshot, her cheeks stained with tears. She sat down beside us and I wrapped my arm around her as best I could whilst Bella remained in my lap.

"Where's Edward?" I asked Rosalie. My voice was quiet, broken, and trembled from the emotions coursing through me.

"He's gone to check on Alice and see if she's awake yet," she replied, her voice was even smaller.

"Oh," I said, unable to say anything more. The door opened only minutes later. I knew already it would be Edward. We all turned to face him as he walked in, all of us eager for news.

"She's still unconscious," he murmured, his voice sounding as broken as mine. "I saw Jackie, and I saw Jenny and Richard, too."

It was silent as we all digested the new information. The Grayson's were here, the Grayson's knew. They knew their first child was dead. A shudder rippled through my body as I thought about what that meant. If the Grayson's were here, then that meant Robbie was here as well.

The silence in the room was unnerving. Bella was so still in my lap that I would have thought she was asleep if it wasn't for the quiet sobs that escaped her lips every few seconds.

Edward was sitting on my other side with his hand resting on Bella's. He didn't make a sound. We sat in silence for minute after minute, until Edward shifted in his seat and stood up.

"I'm going to go find out about Alice," he muttered as he took a step towards the door.

"Wait," Rosalie called after him. "I'll come with you."

I could tell that the silence had been getting to the both of them, and that they needed something to occupy their mind. Bella didn't even shift in my lap as they walked towards the door. But I knew that she was watching them because Edward looked directly at her, as if he was trying to pass a silent message to her.

As the door closed behind them, the room fell back into complete silence once again as we waited for them to return. I wondered idly, as I stared at the wall, what was going through Alice's mind right now. Was she awake? If not, was she aware, in whatever state she may be in, that Robbie had died?

After a long moment, the door reopened and I stiffened as that blond movie star doctor walked in with Rosalie and Edward right behind him. Bella and I turned to face him. Bella's movements were much slower than mine. It was as if she wasn't completely here with us.

"What's going on, Doc?" I asked, coughing slightly to clear my throat. He turned back to Edward and Rosalie and signalled for them to sit down before he started to talk.

"At the moment, Alice is still unconscious. We haven't managed to find out the cause, but… given the situation in which it happened I would say the cause was emotional distress. We are currently waiting for her to come back on her own, but we have the correct facilities to do it manually if it comes to that."

When he finished speaking he looked at each of us in turn and clasped his hands together quietly. I could see the sympathetic look in his eyes and I wondered briefly whether he had seen to Robbie as well.

"Doctor Cullen, when do you think she will come back?" Rosalie asked as she wiped a tear from her cheek.

"I'm not completely sure. I cannot put a medical diagnosis on her current state. It is unpredictable and random, but hopefully it shouldn't be too long now," he replied, his tone reassuring.

He excused himself moments later, explaining that he had other patients to attend to. None of us said anything for a full minute before Edward looked at his watch and gasped quietly.

"Shit, someone needs to go pick up our cars," he exclaimed as he looked at each of us. He was right, our cars were still at the school, and someone needed to collect them.

Bella shifted on my lap and stood up, she didn't say anything as she looked at each of us in turn then grabbed Edward's hand and walked out the room. Rosalie glanced at me, meeting my eye. She grimaced slightly then rested her head against my shoulder.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialled the home phone. "I'm gonna call home and get Dad to pick up the Jeep," I told her. She mumbled _okay_ then sat up straight. I put the phone to my ear and waited for someone to pick up.

"Hello." It was Lewis.

"Hey, Lew."

"Oh my God, Emmett, how is she?" he asked.

"She's still unconscious," I muttered. "But the doctor says it shouldn't be too long now."

It was silent.

"Shit," he said breathlessly.

I sighed heavily. "Yeah."

More silence. Something that was very rare with us McCarty boys.

"Look, Lewis, can you get dad to go pick up the Jeep from school? He knows where the spare keys are," I added.

"Sure thing."

I closed my eyes and rested my head against the wall. "Thanks."

We said our goodbyes and I cut the call and placed the phone back in my pocket. I ran my hands over my face then went back to staring at the wall.

I felt Rosalie grip my hand softly. I squeezed it back slightly but didn't turn to look at her. I just remained staring at the wall, trying very hard not to think about the one thing I couldn't seem to forget.

It was so silent in the room that when the door flung open and Edward ran in, Rosalie and I both jumped out of our skin. My eyes widened as I looked at Edward, his chest was heaving as if he'd just ran here.

"It's Alice," he gasped. "She's awake."

There was something in his voice that told me that wasn't the only thing he wanted to tell us. I shot out of the chair and towards the door with Rosalie still gripping my hand, as we passed Edward, he followed us out.

"What's happened?" I demanded as we walked. I almost barged an elderly woman out of the way in my hurry.

"I don't know exactly. She woke up about two minutes ago. Jackie tried talking to her, but she wouldn't listen," he told us both as we walked towards the room she had been in.

Then after a second, he continued. "She kept asking for Robbie."

I stopped dead in my tracks, Rosalie almost bumping into me as I turned to face Edward. I could see the heartache reflected on his face. I closed my eyes briefly then turned away and carried on walking.

"What did they say to her?" I asked; my tone almost abrupt.

"Jackie didn't answer her. She just tried to get her to sit down, but she wouldn't. That's when I came to find you."

"Shit," I muttered just as we rounded the corner and saw Bella and Alice standing together at the end of the corridor. Alice was holding Bella's arms as if she was about to shake her. Tears were pouring down Bella's face as Alice repeated asked the same question.

"Where _is_ he?" she demanded. Her voice was frantic and almost maniacal. As we got closer, she saw us and started walking in our direction with a frenzied expression on her face.

"Where is he Emmett? Where is my Robbie?" she demanded in a hysterical tone. I stared down at her, my eyes filling with tears. The tears marred her face. I let go of Rosalie's hand and took a step toward Alice, even though I didn't know what I was going to say to her.

"Alice…" I began, but she cut me off.

"Tell me where he is, Emmett," she cried.

My brow furrowed as I stared at her, how did I tell her that he was gone? I hated that I had to be the one to break the news to her.

"Answer me, Emmett," she shouted, beating her fists against my chest feebly. I closed my eyes momentarily and took a deep breath.

"He's... gone, Alice," I choked.

"No!" she cried in defiance. "No! You're lying! He's not gone, he's not!"

"Alice…" I murmured as more tears poured down my cheeks, but she cut me off once again.

"No! He was right there, Emmett, I saw him," she replied desperately. I didn't understand what she was saying.

"He's gone," Rosalie sobbed as she came to stand next to me. A single tear fell from Alice's eyes as she looked between us.

"No," she said, shaking her head. "No, it's not true."

She pushed passed us and started walking away from us. When we called after her, she started to run. I chased after her with Rosalie and Edward at my heels. I tried calling out to her again, but she ignored me.

"Alice, wait," I cried as I reached out and grabbed her arm lightly, spinning her around to face me. She pulled her arm from my light grasp and glared at me menacingly, even though the tears were pouring down her face.

"Get away from me, all of you! You're all liars!" she screamed at us before spinning around on the spot and running down the corridor. She stopped at the elevator and slammed her hand down on the button.

We all sprinted forward, but the doors opened and Alice ran inside. I got to the elevator just as the doors were closing. The last thing I saw was of Alice sliding to the floor. Her hands covered her face as heart wrenching sobs erupted out of her from deep within her chest.

* * *

**A/N****: What did you think? Reviews are lovely :)**

**Did you like seeing Emmett's POV? I'd of loved to have written from his POV in a happier setting… but alas, it wasn't possible.**

**Alice's POV is up next.**

**Who here has seen New Moon? I haven't yet, but will be seeing it on Sunday hopefully!**


	12. Chapter 11

**A/N****: Chapter 11 – You wouldn't believe how hard this was to write!**

**I apologise for such a long gap in between the last two updates, it's almost been a month, and I promised myself I wouldn't leave that kind of gap. But life has been a bit hectic at the moment. So I'm sorry.**

**Anyway, thank you again to **juniper294 **for being a beta for this chapter! You've been a **_**massive **_**help to me! She did actually write a couple of sentences, so I give her credit for that and the fact that she made this chapter **_**way **_**better than what it would have been**** :)**

**I did something a bit different for the start of the chapter, but the lovely thing about fan fiction it that you can basically make anything work if you write it properly. I'm hoping I've managed to do that. **

**Whilst writing the first part of the chapter I had the song 'Last Request' by Paolo Nutini on repeat, it's a lovely song, and parts of it kind of fit with what I was going for. If you're familiar with that song, you may notice that some of the lyrics were written into the dialogue. **

**I did use a line from New Moon, I'm sure you'll recognise it as soon as you see it.**

**Disclaimer****: EVERYONE would be reading my story if I was Stephenie Meyer.

* * *

**

**Chapter 11 – Pain and Denial**

**6****th****October 2008**

**Alice POV**

Freshly cut grass. Freesias. Summer.

It smelt like summer.

I inhaled again; the scent was beautiful, pure. I could feel the sun beaming down on my face, straining through my closed eyelids and turning them a lovely orangey red colour.

I slowly opened my eyes allowing them to adjust to the sunlight. I sat up and looked around. My surroundings were easily recognisable; for I was back in my garden.

Everything was as I remembered it, the small, makeshift shed mom had tried to build to store her garden tools stood in the corner, still only half built. As I looked to my left I saw the vegetable patch Cynthia was growing for a school project. I smiled softly knowing that I was home, I was somewhere I trusted; somewhere I knew I would be safe. I inhaled again; all the scents I associated with home filled my senses.

It was only when I glanced behind me that I saw him. He was sitting down with his back to me just outside our den; the sun shone down on him making his golden brown hair shine.

My Robbie.

He was here, he was safe. It had just been a dream, albeit a terrifyingly realistic dream.

"Robbie," I called out in relief, I started moving towards him just as he glanced back at me over his shoulder, a soft smile forming on his lips.

"You're here," I sighed happily. "You don't know how happy I am to see you, Robbie," I told him as I knelt down in front of him. I enveloped him in my arms, holding him against my chest.

"I'm always going to be here, Alice, always," he murmured. "In here."

He rested his cheek against my heart and closed his eyes as if he was listening to my heartbeat. "I'll always be in here."

His words did not make sense. I could not comprehend the message he was trying to convey. But I knew there was one. His tone was meaningful. It sounded imperative. I reached forward and brought his chin up so that his face was inches from mine.

My lips sought out his - suddenly needing his touch - but this kiss was different. There was too much tension forced into one small kiss. I felt his arms wind around my waist tightly as we sank to the ground.

"It's just you and me, Alice," he murmured as he took my hand in his, caressing the back of my hand with the pad of his thumb, just like he always did.

"I like the sound of that," I whispered back. I blinked rapidly as a bright light flashed across my eyes from an unknown source. I shook my head, confused, then turned back to look at Robbie who was watching me apprehensively.

"It's almost time," he muttered, a grim smile on his handsome face.

My brow furrowed slightly. "Almost time for what?"

He sighed and ran his fingertips down the side of my face. "Almost time for you to go home," he murmured as he captured a stray strand of hair between his fingers and tucked it behind my ear.

My heart did an uneasy flip in my chest; its beating ran an unfamiliar pattern for a second.

"But I am home," I reminded him, looking around to solidify my point before allowing my gaze to land back on him, for Robbie was my home too.

He smiled softly as if he knew what I was thinking but still shook his head seconds later. "Back to your family," he murmured.

"No, not yet," I told him, then after a thought. "I want you closer… let me hold you."

He complied, allowing me to wrap my arms around him, cradling him to my chest, just like before. After a long moment I inhaled deeply through my nose, but it wasn't the garden I smelt anymore, it was something different, something unnatural in the environment we were in.

Chemicals. Antiseptic. Hospitals.

I shook my head slowly as the strange scents disappeared. I leant down and kissed the top of his hair line, allowing the faint smell of his aftershave to fill my senses instead.

"Lay down beside me," I told him, my voice so quiet I barely heard it myself, and yet he did it. As my head touched the ground it felt too soft to be grass, but I pushed the thought to the back of my mind as I turned to look at him.

He took my hand silently and held onto it tightly, he smiled one last smile as he murmured two words to me. "Be happy."

My eyes began to blur as if tears were forming, but the tears grew darker and heavier until I could barely see at all. I tried to call out, to say _anything_ but as I felt him squeeze my hand I knew he was still there with me.

As my vision, along with Robbie and my garden disappeared from my sight, I heard three words, so soft it were as if they travelled on a gust of wind.

"I love you."

_I love you too, _I thought to myself as I closed my eyes.

The light, when it returned, was bright as it forced its way through my closed eyelids. I squeezed my eyelids shut as the light continued to shine; it seemed too artificial to be produced by the sun. Even the noises I now heard sounded unnatural.

My eyelids fluttered as I attempted to open them so that I could find the cause of this artificial light, but it was too bright, causing me to close them once again.

"Alice?" A familiar voice called my name, but not the one I sought.

My eyelids fluttered once again, the light slowly becoming more bearable until finally I could open them fully. I felt my hand, the same hand Robbie had been holding, being squeezed softly. I smiled faintly as I turned my head to the left, my mother's face came into view; her bleary bloodshot eyes stared back at me intently as if assessing something.

I exhaled slowly and looked down at my hand, the same hand that was now wrapped around my mothers.

"Where is he?" I croaked, my voice sounding incredibly different to what I remembered.

"What?" Mom asked, her hand tightening around mine slightly.

"Robbie, where is he?" I replied, but it sounded as if I had gasped.

From somewhere, I wasn't sure where, I heard someone screaming, a high razor sharp sound of someone's heart breaking. I saw a flash of a red car as well as someone running towards it; their black curly hair was easily recognisable as Emmett's.

The intense pain in my chest, when it hit me, was short but strong, I clenched my teeth as I waited for the pain to subside completely, but it didn't.

"Where is he?" I repeated sounding out of breath.

"Alice…" she began almost cautiously. "I think you should rest a little while, you've had a long day." Her words were hesitant, as if she didn't know what she wanted to say.

I noticed her glancing slyly at the machine that I hadn't realised I was strapped up to. I didn't know what it was she saw on that screen, but whatever it was, it seemed to worry her.

"Alice," she began again, but this time I cut her off.

"Tell me, mom." It sounded like a plea more than a demand; I just wanted her to say it, to _hear _her say it.

When she didn't answer, I yanked my hand from her grasp and pulled at the taping and tubing that was on my arm. She reached over me trying to stop my hands from pulling them all away, but I was too quick for her, I was already scrambling out of the bed. If she wouldn't answer me, I would find someone else that would.

"Alice, you shouldn't leave your bed until the doctor says so," she commanded, but it was feeble, an easy command to override. I snatched at the door, pulling it open quickly, almost bumping into Edward and Bella as I stepped out.

"Alice!" Edward exclaimed, sounding shocked to see me. I looked between them, my heart constricting slightly as I took in their identical bloodshot eyes. Bella stepped forward then, her vacant expression scaring me as she wrapped her arms around me. I could feel her laboured breaths as they left her body and I wondered, for a brief moment, whether she was crying.

"Where is he, Bella?" I asked, straight away noting the way her body stiffened. She pulled away from me, her eyes slowly filling with tears as she stared at me, searching for something she didn't seem to find.

"Why will nobody _answer _me?" I demanded almost frantically. All I wanted was for them to tell me, even though my whole body screamed at me to keep quiet.

"Where is Robbie?" I half screeched, both of them flinching at the mention of his name.

"Alice, please, just sit down for a moment. Okay, hunny?" Mom murmured from somewhere close behind me. I turned around to face her as a scowl settled onto my face.

"I don't _want_ to sit down," I growled at her, punctuating each word with a breath. I knew that getting angry wasn't going to help the situation, but I couldn't seem to control myself when the burning question in my mind continued to remain unanswered.

She grimaced, a crease forming on her brow as two tears fell from her eyes. I watched, as they rolled down her cheeks slowly and dropped off the bottom of her chin.

I heard footsteps behind me and turned back just in time to see Edward walking away from us. I didn't bother to ask Bella where he was going.

"Please, Bella," I begged, though my voice was too frantic to truly convince her into answering my plea.

"I just want someone to tell me," I told her, struggling to keep my voice level, but failing miserably.

When she continued to stare at me, with eyes that held the answer I sought after, I began to feel the anger simmer inside my chest.

"Where is he?" I demanded, the anger evident in my tone.

I grimaced as she took a step away from me shaking her head, tears poured down her cheeks, making the brown in her eyes shimmer as the light reflected off the tears.

I stepped forward, bridging the gap she had just made. Her back hit the wall; her shoulders slumped then shook as silent sobs escaped her.

"Where is he?" I demanded, taking her arms in my hands. Why could she not just tell me? Why did she have to torture me with her silence?

I heard mom crying behind me, I had almost forgotten she was standing there. "Please, Alice," she begged, though I didn't know what she wanted me to do. And so I ignored her.

"Where is he?!" I shrieked, my voice sounding unfamiliar. I didn't sound like Alice Brandon anymore, I sounded empty, as if the very reason for my existence was gone.

Bella's expression changed again, her features morphing to display pain and anguish. This expression scared me more than her vacant one, it signified something I didn't want to believe, something that couldn't be true. And if I allowed myself to believe it was true, if I allowed myself to react to her expression, it would be as if I were accepting what I knew couldn't be true.

He couldn't be gone. No two ways about it, he couldn't be gone. If he were gone, who would drive me to school? If he were gone, who would bring me an umbrella whenever it rained? And what about my charm bracelet? Who would give me the final charm I needed to make the bracelet complete?

No. He couldn't be gone.

This must be one of his practical jokes, he was always good at them, he was probably just messing around, he'd be back soon and laughing at me for almost believing. "You're so gullible, Alice," he would say, "I can't believe you fell for that one." I would forgive him for teasing me, as I always did. And when they laughed, I would laugh with them, even though the joke had scared me half to death.

From the corner of my eye I saw Emmett and Rosalie approaching, Edward was just behind them. I knew instantly that he had gone to get them. I let go of Bella and turned started walking towards them, I knew that Emmett would answer me. He would tell me what what happening, he would say where Robbie was waiting.

"Where is he, Emmett? Where is my Robbie?" I demanded, my heart beating painfully in my chest as I waited for him to answer. Once again, I didn't recognise my own voice. Even as I spoke I could hear the slight tremor of fear in my tone. My throat was dry, and swallowing didn't help.

As Emmett's eyes filled with tears I felt the recognisable sting behind my eyes that told me I was about to cry, but I forced them back. I couldn't allow myself to cry. If I cried, it would be as if I was accepting it.

Even as Emmett tried to talk to me I cut him off. I didn't want to hear him telling me to sit down or to go rest. I just wanted to hear him say it, despite the fact that I was terrified of his answer. Even if I did not want to believe it, I knew that it was imperative to know the truth. And so I demanded for him to tell me once again.

Yet still he did not answer me, though I could see the crease forming between his eyes that told me he was thinking about something.

"_Answer _me, Emmett."

Even as I spoke, I curled my hands into fists and beat them against his chest, and yet he didn't stop me or push me away.

"He's… gone, Alice."

The world spun around me, blurring, my eyes going blind as new images – memories - flashed across my mind.

Jasper holding onto me so that I didn't fall over, as well as the feeling of gratitude I'd felt towards him.

The sensation of the cold air that hit me when we'd stepped outside, strangely chillier than normal.

The sound of tyres screeching, of brakes protesting as the car skidded across the ground.

Robbie…

"No!" I cried, stopping myself from imagining anything more. My heart was thundering in my chest, threatening to crash through my chest at the words I was hearing. The words I _couldn't _believe to be true. "No! You're lying! He's not gone, he's not!"

The same pain I felt earlier hit me again, but unlike before it wasn't short; it didn't subside. It just remained there, like dense fog in the early hours of the morning. It would not disappear or disperse. Instead, it enveloped me; the pain swallowing me whole. And I had no guiding light to help me through.

Another image, one that seemed to cause more pain flashed across my mind. For just that second, I was back in my garden, and I saw him, looking at me, that same smile on his face.

"Alice…" But it wasn't Emmett's voice that called my name, it was Robbie's. And the pain that followed that was almost crippling.

"No!" I cried again, my voice sounding so much weaker then before. "He was right there, Emmett, I _saw _him."

Rosalie stepped forward, standing next to Emmett as tears streamed from her eyes. "He's gone," she told me, her voice barely a whisper.

He's gone.

"No," I replied, maybe if I kept saying it then it would be true. "No, it's not true."

But even I could hear the defeat in my voice. I felt it then, the resistance seep away as I allowed the first tear to fall from my eye.

As I stared between them I knew that I had to get away from them, from them all. I pushed passed them and started making my way down the corridor. I knew, of course, that they would follow me. And when they did, I started to run.

Even as Emmett grabbed my arm and spun me around, I knew that I couldn't stay, I pulled my arm away from his grasp.

"Get away from me, all of you! You're all liars!" I screamed, he couldn't be gone, he _couldn't_. What they were saying wasn't true. They were lying, they had to be.

The denial was easier; the denial didn't seem to hurt as much. But that too was seeping away; it was disappearing, just as the resistance against crying had only moments ago.

As soon as I reached the elevator I slammed my hand down on the button and urged the doors to open quicker. I could feel it already; it was like molten lava rising up through my chest, waiting for the chance to erupt out of me.

The doors slowly opened and I ran inside, almost stumbling as I pressed one of the buttons on the side**.** I didn't know which floor I was going to, nor did I care. Because it was there, in my throat, the pain, and I couldn't hold it in any longer. My back hit the wall and slowly I slid to the floor. I covered my face with my hands, feebly trying to hold back the pain filled sounds that were escaping me.

As the elevator jolted to a stop, I didn't get up. Even as the doors slowly slid open, I didn't get up, nor did I look to see if someone was there waiting to get in.

I heard more rather than saw the doors closing again. Nobody had entered the lift**.** I was alone. I was always going to be alone. Another wave of pain hit me as I thought about the future the future that I'd have to live through without Robbie by my side.

I didn't even hear the doors opening once again; I didn't even hear the voices of my friends as they exclaimed they had found me, not properly at least. It was as if my head had been pushed underwater, their voices were muffled and sounded distant to my ears.

I heard them calling my name, one voice I recognised as Emmett's was closer than the others. And yet I couldn't respond or even look in their directions, every move that I made was painful. if I looked into their eyes, and saw the pain, I knew that that too would hurt.

I felt arms around me, lifting me, the movement was nauseatingly dizzy and yet I didn't move. My eyes were open, yet they were blind to the world around me.

I heard my mother's voice, then my father's. There were voices I didn't even recognise. I felt hands on my wrists, pressing into my wrist. Another hand, their skin was cold as they laid their palm on my forehead. A bright light flashed in my eyes, blinding my already unseeing eyes. I heard one voice, louder than the others. "She's gone into shock." It was saying, "Put her on the bed."

I was aware of the movements of my body, it felt as if someone was carrying me, lifting me through the air. And then I felt the bed beneath me, I smelt the cleaning products they used on the pillow cases. I even felt the softness of the pillow as they laid me down on the bed. And yet I still didn't move.

"Sleep now Alice," the same voice told me, commanding me to sleep with his soothing voice. But I didn't want to sleep, and so I fought it, shaking my head, or so I thought. That was when I felt something on my arm, a quick prick of a needle and even though I didn't want to sleep, I had no choice but to obey. Even as I closed my eyes the pain was still present.

As the sounds around me faded and the light of the room disappeared, I allowed my mind and body to shut down hoping that the pain would simply evaporate. But it didn't. Even in the darkness I could feel it, the pain was like a predator, waiting in the darkness to attack me.

And it did. It dragged me under, pulling me further into the darkness, its razor sharp teeth biting into my heart, shattering it into a million unfixable pieces.

I did not resurface.

* * *

**A/N****: Please review my lovely readers :)**

**This chapter took a long long time to write, me and Juniper294 have honestly been sending this back and forth for like a month trying to get it right. So I hope you liked it..**

**So, overall, what did you think? Did you like the start? Or did you think it was daft. How about Alice's reactions to everything? **

**Review review review. **

**Chapter 12 has been written for ages now so it won't be a long break in between the next few posts :)**

**Also, please, if you do not review at least can you go onto my profile and vote on the poll I have set up, it's important :)  
**


	13. Chapter 12

**A/N****: Considering I had such an update fail recently, I'm updating this one early.**

**There's a thing about this chapter, I like what happens in it, but I don't really like how I wrote it. If that makes sense. I cringed a bit when I was reading through it, maybe it's just me, maybe not.**

**Anyways, it's back to Jasper again now, I can't resist his Texan drawl.**

**Disclaimer****: I'm bored.**

**Jasper: Sorry, Paula, but I'm not yours.**

**Paula: *****cries***

**Jasper: *****sends out a wave of calm***

**Paula: :)**

**Jasper: *whispers* I'm still not yours though.

* * *

**

**Chapter 12 – Thank You**

**7****th**** October 2008**

**Jasper POV**

It was eerily silent the next morning. You could hear the hushed conversations about the events of the previous day. When the bus pulled into the parking area there was a teacher waiting to direct everyone inside the school immediately.

As I stepped off the bus, I glanced around at the car park, it was deserted. I doubted they were allowing cars into school. But apart from that, it looked like it normally did; no one would have known that someone's heart was shattered in this very spot just the day before.

My bag was heavier than normal, Alice's tiny bag was weighing it down as a constant reminder. I wondered to myself why I even brought it with me. I knew of course that there wouldn't be anyone I could trust to give it to, the only way I was going to give it back was to take it to her.

I moved through the day with a strange sluggish attitude, lunchtime was the worst. I found myself just wishing that Emmett would come over and make me sit with them at lunch. But as I stared at their empty table I knew things wouldn't be the same again.

The head teacher called for an assembly to be held after lunch, it was silent as Mr Greene talked about the previous day's events. Many people were crying, some were staring at Mr Greene with blank expressions. I could tell that they were still in shock. I was glad to be out of there when it finished.

The ending of the day couldn't have arrived any quicker; I was relieved to be getting on the bus. But as soon as I got off and walked up the lane towards Emily's school I began to slow down. I knew that the quicker I got to Emily's school the quicker I would be on my way to Alice's. And I was dreading it.

Emily was late coming out of the classroom, it was only when the teacher stepped out that I realised it wasn't her usual teacher. Mrs Brandon wasn't there, and yet again I was reminded of what had happened the day before.

"Where are we going?" Emily asked when she realised we were walking in a different direction to home.

I looked down at her momentarily and attempted to smile encouragingly. "I have to return the bag that I had with me yesterday."

She nodded and went silent as we walked. It wasn't hard for me to navigate through the streets; I found the place far too easily. But as I stood outside the door, I just couldn't ring the bell.

"What's wrong, Jasper?" Emily asked in confusion after we'd been standing at the door for a minute now. I looked down at her then shook my head.

"I don't know… I just… don't know," I replied then looked back up at the door; I took a deep breath and pressed the small doorbell. I waited in silence as I heard the bolts on the other side of the door shift and unlock, then finally the door opened and Mrs Brandon appeared.

From the few times that I had seen her I knew immediately that she was different. The bags under her eyes told me that she wasn't getting very much sleep. And the look in her eyes told me that she didn't know what to do.

"Hello Mrs Brandon!" Emily chirped politely, she smiled weakly in Emily's direction.

"Hello Emily," she murmured, even her voice sounded tired.

She then turned to me and attempted to repeat the same smile. "You must be Jasper, please come in."

I didn't bother to question how it was she knew my name; instead we followed her inside the house. When we stopped in the room, that I gathered was the living room, she turned to me expectantly.

"I have Alice's bag," I said as I took my bag from my shoulder and retrieved Alice's from within. "I picked it up after she dropped it yesterday…"

I handed it to her and watched as she placed it on the chair next to her. "Thank you for bringing it back."

I nodded briefly. "How is she?" I asked, though I already knew the answer. She sighed quietly and looked down at the ground with a defeated expression on her face.

"When she woke up yesterday, she had... a breakdown, there isn't any other way to explain it. She went into shock and had to be to be sedated, when we brought her home yesterday evening she went straight up into her room without a word. She hasn't come out since."

It was silent as she finished, I glanced towards the stairs where I knew Alice was going to be right now. It was strange as I stared at the stairs; I wondered whether she even knew that I was here, that any of us were here.

"Can I get you anything, like a drink or something?" she asked, breaking the silence that had fallen over us.

I shook my head. "No, but thank you for offering. We should be getting home soon anyway."

"Okay," she agreed. "Thank you again for bringing back Alice's bag."

I nodded quickly then took hold of Emily's hand again; she walked us to the door but thankfully didn't say anything more as we walked away. Emily was silent all the way back to the house; I could tell she was feeling the tension roll off me in waves.

The rest of the week seemed to follow in the same pattern, no one mentioned Robbie; no one mentioned death. And no one mentioned the whereabouts of those who hadn't returned to school all week.

But one week later, on Monday the thirteenth of October, some of them came back to school.

* * *

**13****th**** October 2008**

I wasn't expecting to see Edward's Volvo parked in his usual spot when I got off the bus on Monday. I stared at it briefly knowing that there wouldn't be anyone else driving that car. Even though I hadn't really been close to him over the past month, I was suddenly urgent to see him.

But as I walked to calculus I didn't see him at all, I wondered where he would of gone, but as I got I sat on the empty table at the back of calculus I heard someone whispering about his arrival. I knew I would have to wait till lunchtime. It was times like these, where I sat on my own in calculus that I realised that I actually missed Emmett's presence. Calculus just wasn't the same without him making jokes beside me.

I was on my way towards my second lesson when I caught a glimpse of Edward walking towards the science classrooms. But what I wasn't expecting was to see Rosalie walking beside him, I hadn't heard about Rosalie coming back as well. I could tell, just from the quick glimpse I caught of them, that they were both tired and emotionally drained.

I didn't see them again until I walked into the cafeteria, they were sitting together on their usual table; it didn't look like they were saying very much to each other. I quickly gathered my tray full of food and without thinking, I walked straight over to their table and sat down next to Edward. They both looked up at me as I sat down and both gave me a weak smile that didn't reach their eyes.

"You alright mate?" Edward asked.

I shrugged. "I'm alright," I said. "How you feeling?"

"Honestly? I feel like shit," he replied in an empty voice, neither of us said anything more, an awkward silence falling over us.

"Have either of you been to see Alice?" I asked, inwardly slapping myself at bringing Alice up. As if they didn't have that certain topic on their mind already they had me reminding them.

"Yeah we all have in the past week," Edward replied, his voice didn't give away any annoyance at me for bringing the topic up.

"Emmett and I went to see her on Wednesday and I went again on Saturday," Rosalie joined in. "Both times she didn't say a thing, I tried talking to her, tried to get her to come downstairs. But she just kept staring at the wall."

She sighed and shook her head sadly. "Her mom's terrified; she said Alice hasn't eaten much since it happened. She's frightened that one day she'll go check on her one morning and she will find her dead."

Rosalie shuddered softly; I could see Edward doing the same. "I just don't know what to do, none of us do."

"Bella is over there everyday, she doesn't want to lose both her best friends," Edward said.

It was silent then as we thought about the magnitude of what had happened, I wondered whether it had really sunk in yet. I had known of course that Alice wouldn't have been taking it well, but to have it confirmed made it seem more real than before.

The bell rang and the lunch break was over, I said goodbye to both Rosalie and Edward and slowly made my way to my history lesson. I couldn't help but think that this time last week everything was fine, for Alice.

I could barely concentrate as I sat at mine and Alice's table in history; I could scarcely hear what Miss Williams was talking about. When she dismissed us I was glad to be out of there, but as I walked out, all I could think about was this time last week, it was happening now.

As I waited for Emily to come out, I noticed that Mrs Brandon still hadn't returned to school. _She__ must be looking after Alice, _I thought to myself. I wondered whether the school would allow her to keep her job when she was going to be off work for months.

Finally Emily came out, she took my hand and slowly we made our way home, but as we walked I found that it wasn't home that I was walking towards. I didn't even realised that I was subconsciously leading us towards Alice's house until we were only two streets away.

I stopped then and looked around, Emily hadn't even made a comment even though she knew that we weren't heading in the right direction. I looked down at her as she stared up at me curiously.

"Emily, how do you feel about going to see Mrs Brandon?" I asked; I rushed over my words to get them out before I changed my mind. I half wished that she would say that she didn't want to go and that she wanted to go home immediately, but of course she nodded her head excitedly. I could tell she loved her teacher.

And so we walked to Alice's, but once again as soon as I got to the front door I just couldn't make the final step. _What if this was a bad idea? _But then I thought about Alice sitting up in her room, being all alone, being lost. And so I raised my hand and knocked on the door.

Once again Mrs Brandon answered the door; I noticed that she looked worse than what she did last week. The bags under her eyes were more prominent and her skin seemed paler, shallower. When she saw who it was she opened the door wider and allowed us to come in, once again she led us into the main living room and turned to us expectantly.

"I came to see Alice," I stated, I didn't really know why it was I had come here, but it was when I stepped through the door that I knew I was going to see her. I didn't know why, I didn't even know what I was going to do when I saw her, but I knew that I had to try.

She nodded at me and smiled feebly. "Her room is the first on the right," she stated simply before turning to look at Emily. "Come on, Emily. Do you want me to make you a sandwich?"

Emily nodded and followed her into the kitchen. I turned towards the stairs and slowly took the steps one at a time. I knew which one was Alice's room straight away; it was the only room that had the door closed, even so the sign that read _Alice's room _kind of gave it away.

But as I stopped outside the door I faltered, my hand hovering over the door handle, just not being able to go the last step and open the door. I stood there for what seemed hours just staring at the door, but I heard a faint sound, I didn't know where it came from but it made me take that last step.

I turned the door handle slowly, opening the door, silently hoping that I wouldn't startle her. The first thing that hit me was the smell; it was the smell of a room that hadn't aired in a while. The smell of sweat and general neglect hung in the air, I wrinkled my nose slightly as I looked at the curtain covered window; it was dark inside the room. But the light from the hallway shone straight onto the bed, outlining Alice's curled up body on the bed.

"Alice, it's Jasper," I murmured, I wasn't sure whether she was awake but because of the silence in the room I heard the slight shift in her breathing and I knew instantly that she was awake. I took another step towards her, she didn't move nor did she make a sound.

I took the final steps until I was standing in front of her bed, I didn't even think about what I was doing as I perched on the side of the bed and reached out for her. When my hand brushed against her forearm she visibly flinched and shuffled away from me. That small action was like a punch in the gut.

"Please, Alice," I pleaded in a soft voice; I knew already that it wouldn't change anything; I knew she wouldn't react to my words. I don't know why, but I reached out for her again and tried to turn her towards me, but as I did so, she jumped and scrambled across the bed away from me. But in doing that, it meant that she had to face me, and I saw her face.

I didn't gasp, I didn't move away, nor did I look away from her bloodshot eyes, instead I met her gaze. She gasped inaudibly when I didn't look away from her; instead, silent tears fell from her eyes and rolled down her cheeks.

"Alice…" I breathed as I moved closer to her, she tried to move away from me but when her body pressed against the headboard she realised she didn't have anywhere to go. I moved forward then, watching as more tears poured down her cheeks. Never once did I let my eyes fall from her gaze, and to my surprise, neither did she.

I couldn't bear to see her crying anymore, I knew that what I was about to do wasn't the moral thing to do; it wasn't the gentlemanly thing to do. But she needed it, that much I knew. And so I did it, I reached forward and pulled her to me so that she was practically sitting on my lap; she was startled for the first second after I did it. But then she started squirming and pushing against me in an attempt to get away from me, but she was weak, she was broken, and her struggles were feeble and futile.

I wrapped my arms around her body and held onto her struggling body, I ignored the dirty hair, and the evident smell of hygiene neglect. I just held her. Her struggling slowed and eventually stopped completely, I knew she was too weak to be able to struggle against me any longer.

Her whole body shook violently as the sobs wracked through her one after another. I could feel the tears seeping through my shirt but I didn't move. I just held onto her tighter knowing that no matter how tightly I held onto her, it would never keep her together.

Her heartbreaking sobs that escaped her penetrated my mind and I felt my eyes watering, I clenched my teeth together as I tried to keep the tears at bay, but I failed and they rolled down my cheeks.

I don't know how long I sat there holding her, but it was when I realised that she had stopped crying that I understood she had fallen asleep. I looked down at her as best I could without waking her and looked at her properly for the first time. She looked exhausted, her skin was shallow and her face was gaunt, I could tell already that she had lost weight.

As I watched her, I wondered how many hours she actually managed to sleep, from what I'd seen earlier, her eyes seemed to be permanently bloodshot. I wondered if she ever stopped crying enough to actually fall asleep.

I shifted ever so slightly so that I was leaning back against the headboard, the last thing I wanted to do was wake her up, she needed as much sleep as she could get. I would sit here for hours with her in my arms if it meant that she would sleep. Emily would be well looked after downstairs, I wouldn't have to worry about getting her home.

I had been staring at the pictures on the wall when I heard the stairs creaking; I tensed slightly wondering who it was that would appear in the doorway. What I wasn't expecting was to see Bella peak her head around the doorway, I could see her eyes widen slightly as she saw us. I wasn't sure whether the expression on her was relief or something else. She looked emotionally drained and just exhausted.

Her mouth moved slowly, her lips moving over the pronunciation of one silent word, even though we were metres apart I knew what it was she was trying to tell me.

_Thank you._

I nodded at her stiffly, silently rejoicing in the fact that I didn't have to reply to her verbally, for I didn't have a clue how to respond. She turned away then and slowly made her way back downstairs. Now that I knew she was downstairs, I strained my ears to see if I could hear anything. Their voices, when they came, were hushed and muffled by closed doors, I listened to them as they talked, until finally the front door opened and I heard Bella's truck pull out of the drive.

I don't know how much time passed since Bella left, but I guessed it was about thirty minutes later that Alice stirred. She shifted slightly, then as if she realised where she was, she jolted and sat up, moving herself from my lap. She looked up at me and when our eyes met, I saw the look in her eyes that told me she was searching for something, that she was trying to understand something.

I wondered briefly if she was going to say something, but when she moved off my lap, shuffling away from me, I knew that she wanted me to leave. Her lips trembled, and for a fleeting moment I once again thought she was about to say something. But when she remained silent I knew that it wasn't going to happen.

As I stood up, her eyes watched me, I held her gaze again, understanding straight away what I was she was trying to silently tell me.

_Thank you._

"I know…" I murmured as I brushed away two stray tears that were slowly making their way down her cheek. She closed her eyes and exhaled slowly through her mouth, as I pulled my hand away she pulled the covers up around herself and laid back down on the bed. My heart sunk as she turned away from me and went back to the position that she had been in when I first arrived. I looked down at the ground and shook my head sadly before turning around and making my way out.

As soon as I was outside her room, I leaned against the wall and ran a shaky hand through my hair. Inhaled deeply then exhaled slowly through my mouth. After I'd composed myself, I slowly made my way back down the stairs, as I walked back into the living room I found Mrs Brandon sitting in one of the chairs with Emily by her side.

Straight after she saw me she stood up and came straight to me. "Thank you Jasper," she murmured before embracing me tightly. It was strange, I barely knew her and yet I found myself returning the gesture and embracing her.

"There's nothing for you to thank me for," I stated as we pulled away from each other, but she shook her head in disagreement.

"You're here for Alice, and for that, I will always be thankful," she replied, I could hear the true gratitude in her voice.

It was silent for a moment as a small picture frame caught my eye, it was one of two small girls; they looked practically identical; I recognised one of them as a younger Alice. She looked so happy, so alive. Such a vast difference to what she was now.

"Do you want me to make you anything to eat?" she asked, breaking my reverie. "Emily was hungry and so I made her some dinner, I can make you something as well, it wouldn't take very long."

I shook my head. "That's very kind of you, but I should be getting Emily back home before it gets too dark."

"Okay, well thank you for coming over and spending time with Alice," she said. All I could do was stare at her. I was lost for words. What was I meant to say? _It was my pleasure? _

"I will just go collect Emily's things," she muttered before turning around and walking into the other room. As if she knew we were about to go, Emily turned off the TV and made her way over to me. Finally Jackie came back in with Emily's bag and handed it to Emily.

Like last week, she walked us both to the door and watched us leave, thankfully Emily remained silent all the way home and went straight upstairs to go get herself ready for bed.

I tucked her in at around 7pm and sat with her long after she had fallen asleep. All I did was sit there, staring at the wall trying to rid the familiarity of Alice's broken eyes from my mind, but knowing it was futile. The image would be burnt into my memory until I saw the real Alice again. But the question was, would I ever see the real Alice again?

* * *

**A/N****: He got through to her! He got through to her!**

**What did you make of this chapter? Did you like it? Did you like the way Jasper acted? I hope you did, it's very important what happened between them.**

**Chapter 13 is also an important one, one you probably won't be expecting, hopefully you'll enjoy it when I post it next week.**

**I haven't said review yet, so yeah, please review.**

**Finally, check out the profile, there's a poll at the top, it refers to this story. Go answer it please.**


	14. Chapter 13

**A/N****: Chapter 13!**

**Hope you all have a lovely new years by the way!  
**

**We have a special guest POV chapter :)**

**Big thanks to **Juniper294**, she is honestly a beta'ing god. Without her comments, this chapter wouldn't have been as good as it is now. So thank you Juni, you're truly amazing. And your deserve credit for the sentences you added in yourself.**

**Hope you enjoy :)**

**Disclaimer****: I had this dream once, it was about this girl and boy who were in love, and they were in a meadow. He was a vampire and was all sparky and shit. They had a rather complicated relationship because basically he wanted to eat her. When I woke up I knew I had to writ- wait, what? This conversation is over.

* * *

**

**Chapter 13 - Silent Misery**

**13t****h**** October 2008**

**Bella POV**

Charlie woke me up just before he left for work in the morning, I couldn't work out as I pulled myself out of bed whether I was grateful for that fact or not. Because now that I had the whole day to myself, I was going to be alone without anything to distract me from the truth of what had happened only a week ago.

But then I thought about Edward, he had been there for me all of last week, just sitting with me, holding me as I cried and when I suddenly craved him, when I needed his comfort. I reached for my phone, quickly deciding that I would send him a message asking if he could come over later. But as I picked the phone up, I saw that I'd already received a message from him.

_Hey Bells; just thought you should know that I'm planning on going into school today, I'm going to be picking Rosalie up as well. If you need me at any time in the day, just call me, I'll be there._

I sighed and placed the phone back on the table; I knew full well that I could be selfish and call him, demanding that I needed him today. And I also knew that as soon as I did just that, he would come to me immediately, but I couldn't do it.

I had a fleeting thought of going to see Emmett. I knew that if Rosalie was going to be in school he would be on his own as well. But then I squashed that idea as soon as it came to me. I hardly knew how to deal with this myself and I'd only end up being a complete wreck at Emmett's.

I moved through my room at a sluggish pace whilst trying my best to not look at the picture frame of three small children sitting on a park bench eating ice cream. We had been four years old at the time. It was one of the rare sunny days that we were able to go out and enjoy the outdoors.

That picture always used to make me smile; there was more ice cream on Robbie's face than in his cone. But now, whenever I looked at it, it only brought back the memories of Robbie's untimely death.

I grabbed my shower bag from the side and trudged into the bathroom. I needed something to relax me and a shower was a brilliant remedy. I stood under the torrent of warm water and closed my eyes. The sound and feel of the water was soothing and I could almost forget everything for a while… almost.

But the water cooled too quickly and I had to step out before I gave myself a chill. I wrapped a large towel around myself and walked back into my bedroom. I sorted through my clothes, pulling of a pair of old sweats and a hoody. It was all I seemed to wear these days. Any enthusiasm I used to have for making myself presentable had simply disappeared. Everything I did now had, in some way, been effected by Robbie's death.

My hair was dripping wet. I hated the feel of my wet hair against my face and so I decided to blow-dry it. I took my time making sure that every strand was dry before placing the dryer back in the cupboard. And then once again I was out of things to do, I made my way back into my room and decided to do the laundry. I pulled the sheets from my bed, then Charlie's and shoved them into the washer downstairs. I looked around the kitchen, it was evident that Charlie had attempted to do the washing up, I smiled weakly to myself; I could tell that it was hard on Charlie to see me like this.

I put away the cutlery on the draining board and washed the two plates that were in the sink. My stomach rumbled quietly and I decided to make myself a bowl of cereal. I sat down at the table, eating each spoonful slowly.

The silence of everything else around me was unnerving and as the minutes passed I began to get more and more agitated. It was as if the silence was taunting me, pushing the fact that I was all alone in my face, just trying to make me remember _why_ I was alone. I couldn't handle it, the silence, it was too much.

"SAY SOMETHING," I screamed into the empty room as I flicked my hand out and flung the half empty bowl of cereal across the room. The bowl smacked against the cupboard and smashed into pieces as the cereal went everywhere. I stared at it, watching as the droplets of milk ran down the side of the cupboard and dropped off the bottom, making a strange plopping sound as it landed onto the floor.

The room fell into silence once again and the dam broke behind my eyes and tears gushed out uncontrollably. I brought my knees up to my chest and buried my face into them as I cried. My whole body shook from the violent sobs as the misery wrenched through me.

Why did everything have to remind me about what happened? Even the silence made me remember and in turn, made me break down.

I don't know how long I sat there, nor did I know how long it took to gain any type of self control to stop myself from crying. But I managed it, at long last. My eyes were sore from the crying, and my throat was dry and ached softly from each of the sobs that had wracked through my body.

I somehow managed to pull myself from the chair so that I could clean up the mess I had made with the cereal bowl. My hands were still shaking as I scooped up the broken pieces of the bowl and threw them into the bin. The washer had finished by the time I had finished clearing everything away. I threw the sheets into the dryer and filled the washer with a second load of washing from the basket. I looked around at the room, it was relatively clean now; I just needed something else to do.

I walked over to the fridge to see what food we had, after searching through the cupboards I saw that I had enough ingredients to make lasagna. I didn't have much of an appetite, but Charlie would when he came in from work later. And so I busied myself with making the lasagna from scratch, it was a lengthy process but it occupied my mind for a few hours and didn't give me time to even think about what had happened to Robbie.

Finally it was finished and ready in the dish. I looked up at the clock, it was just after 2.30. Being that close to when school got out, I was only momentarily surprised at how fast the time had went by. Trying to forget what had happened before, I focused on the fact that Edward would be with me soon. I placed the lasagna in the oven, making sure that the correct timer was set then made my way into the living room. I was going through the motions, anything to forget what had happened before.

I curled myself up on the chair and grabbed the picture of my parents on their wedding day; my mother had been beautiful; I could see myself in her whenever I stared at that picture. I closed my eyes and held the frame to my chest. I'd never met my mother, there had been a complication during my birth, she died; I survived. It didn't affect me, not how Robbie's death was affecting me now. But it still hurt sometimes when I would catch Charlie looking at this picture. There were times that I thought, what if Charlie blamed me for her death? But I knew, from the way that he looked at me, that he didn't.

"I need you," I whispered to myself, I needed the comfort only a mother could give her child after losing something so important to them. Charlie was always there for me, but I knew that she would have known how to make me feel better right now. It had always been me and Charlie. There wasn't ever anyone else in our lives, but sometimes I wondered whether he was lonely. I wondered whether he wanted someone in his life how I had Edward. But he never did find someone new, nor did he indicate that he _wanted _to. It was always going to be Renee for him as Edward was for me.

It was when the buzzer to the oven went off that I realised I had fallen asleep with the frame in my arms. I tried not to think about what would of happened if I hadn't woken up. What would Charlie of come home to? I shuddered at the thought of Charlie coming home and finding me with the picture of mom in my arms. I didn't want him to see that I was hurting. It was hard enough on him as it was, without me reminding him about the absence of Renee as well.

I shook my head and went to get the lasagna out of the oven, I wasn't hungry, my appetite was small at the best of times and right now I doubted I could manage even the smallest of bites. I served it up onto two plates and placed them both in the fridge ready to eat later. I looked over at the clock; it was just past 3.30. And even though I had wanted to see Edward, I suddenly had the urge to visit Alice.

I didn't think as I went into the other room and put on a pair of shoes. I grabbed my keys from the side and left the house. The truck roared into life as I pulled out of the drive and drove towards the Brandon's house. I had been to the house every day, and each time was just another day that Alice ignored me.

It broke my heart a little bit more each time I went into her room and tried to talk to her without getting any response. She was my best friend; we had been through everything together and there wasn't anything we couldn't talk about with each other. But now I felt helpless, useless, inadequate. I couldn't even be there for my best friend when she needed me.

Edward always tried to comfort me by saying even if she didn't respond to me when I talked to her, it was the fact that I was trying that counted. So why did I not see it that way? Why did I feel like I wasn't helping?

I pulled up outside the house and parked quickly. I knocked on the door rapidly and waited for Jackie to answer; when she did she gave me a weak smile and hugged me tighter than necessary. After Renee died Charlie was a wreck, he struggled to bring me up when he could barely look after himself. Jackie had been pregnant with Alice when she first started to look after me. In any case, Jackie was like a mother to me, it only added to the fact that Alice and I were like sisters.

"How is she today?" I asked, knowing already that she wouldn't be able to answer me with anything new.

"There's still no change," she replied in a saddened voice, then continued to say the same thing she always did. "She isn't responding to anyone."

A few tears formed in her eyes and I embraced her tightly. I was glad that I had her to find comfort in; she was in the same boat as me. We both wanted to same thing and that was for Alice to be back. As we pulled away, she led me into the main room where a small blonde haired girl was sitting watching the TV.

"Who is she?" I mouthed as we stood in the doorway.

"Her name is Emily Whitlock," she replied.

_Whitlock… _"Jasper's sister? What is she doing here?" I asked as I looked back at her. If I were in any other situation, I would have noticed how much she resembled her brother.

"Jasper came here after school to see Alice," she told me, my eyes widened in surprise.

_Jasper was here?_

"Is he still upstairs?" I asked after I was sure I wouldn't sound shocked as I spoke.

"I haven't been up there to check on them, and I haven't heard any voices from upstairs either," She informed me. I could tell she was anxious to go up there and see if everything was okay. "I hope they are alright."

I glanced up the stairs briefly then turned back to her. "Do you want me to go check on them?" I offered, she thought for a moment then nodded. I squeezed her arm softly before slowly making my way up the stairs. I dragged my feet as I got near the top, I didn't have a clue what I was about to find when I turned the corner, and if I was honest, I wasn't sure if I _wanted _to find out.

I stopped just beside her open door and slowly peaked my head around the door frame. The room was dark like it had been yesterday when I visited her. But the darkness didn't stop me from seeing the occupants inside, my eyes widened as my eyes met Jasper's.

A thousand emotions ran through my body as I saw Alice in Jasper's arms. Relief… shock... Incredulity… jealousy.

She had reacted to him, when everyone else had failed… He had gotten through to her, when I couldn't. _What am I thinking? _I should be grateful; I should be relieved that he had managed to get through to her when no one else could.

I opened my mouth and mouthed the word _thank you_ to him. I wasn't sure whether he understood, but as he nodded at me I knew that he had. I turned away then and made my way back downstairs, when I walked back into the room Jackie came straight to me and took me into the kitchen.

"How are they?" she demanded in a hushed voice.

"He's holding her." Astonishment was laced into my tone. "She's asleep." The shock that she felt was pretty obvious on her face as she looked at me, but then her features softened and she sat down on the kitchen stool.

"I'm glad he managed to get through to her," she muttered, I nodded in agreement, she was right… someone got through to Alice, it doesn't matter who did it. It was silent for a moment, and there was one thing about silence that always stuck with me… silence wasn't healthy.

"Charlie told me that the funeral is set for October twentieth." I paused and bit my lip trying to hold the tears back in. "This time next week…" But I couldn't continue.

Jackie stood up and hugged like only a mother could. I sobbed quietly into her chest as I held onto her as tight as I could. I dreaded to think what things would be like this time next week… when I would have to bury one of my best friends.

"I think I will get going, Charlie will be home soon, I should be there when he gets there," I told her as I wiped my eyes free of tears.

"Okay," she agreed. "Thank you for coming over again."

I nodded and hugged her again briefly before making my way outside and into my truck; I was barely keeping it together as I pulled away. I felt the tears prickling in my eyes and felt them roll down my cheeks one after another, it got to the point where I could barely see the road anymore and I knew I had to pull over.

I scrambled through my pockets looking for my phone then cried harder when I realised that I hadn't picked up the phone from where I'd left it upstairs. I curled myself over the steering wheel and attempted to control the sobs that were coursing through my body.

I didn't care that I was most probably blocking the road, or that people walking by would see me crying. I just sat there crying my eyes out, letting the minutes pass me by not knowing how I was going to calm myself down.

Suddenly the door next to me opened and I screamed, jumping out of me seat at the intruder.

"Shh, Bella baby, it's me, Edward," he said, as he got into the driving seat and pulled me onto his lap. He wrapped his arms around my body and held me against his chest as he rocked me slowly.

"How did you know where to find me?" I asked, after I finally managed to control my breathing.

"I went by your house but when I saw your truck was missing I came straight to Alice's," he replied. I looked up from his chest and saw the Volvo haphazardly parked with the driver's door wide open.

"How was Alice?" he asked after we were silent for a moment.

"I don't know," I sighed. "She was asleep when I got there, Jasper was with her."

I felt Edward jolt slightly at my words. "Jasper?"

I nodded. "Yeah, apparently he came over straight after school; Jackie let him go up to see her. I guess she must have been awake at the time because when I went to check on them he was cradling her in his arms."

It was silent for a moment as he took in that information. "He was asking how Alice was at school today. I think he genuinely cares for her."

I nodded slowly in agreement. "Yeah, I hope so Edward, I hope so."

"I know you're worried about her, Bells, but Jasper's a nice lad," he murmured. I could tell he really liked him. "Maybe he is what Alice needs right now, someone who didn't know Robbie. Someone who isn't grieving."

"Maybe," I mumbled. I knew what he was saying was true, maybe Alice needed someone who didn't know Robbie as we had. I just wished she would at least acknowledge my presence, just show that she knows I'm there, that I'm trying to help her.

"Don't let it get to you, okay? You know its not personal, she hasn't reacted to any of us, not even Jackie," he continued in a soothing voice. I was about to answer when we heard a car horn. We both looked up to see a car behind Edward's, obviously it couldn't get passed.

"I better go," he said as he waved his hand at the other driver telling them to wait. I moved out of the way, giving him the room to get out of the truck. As he shut the door behind him, he turned back to me, looking through the open car window.

"You want me to follow you home?" he asked, but I shook my head, Charlie would be home by the time I got back and so I didn't have to worry about being on my own.

We said our goodbyes and I watched as he pulled away and drove back towards his home, the driver of the other car giving me a strange look as he drove passed. When I got back Charlie was indeed home. He smiled at me as I walked in. He still had his jacket on which indicated that he hadn't been in for very long. I was busying myself with warming up his dinner when the phone rang, Charlie picked it up and I didn't listen in to see who it was until I heard Charlie call from the other room.

"Jackie is on the phone, Bells."

I almost tripped on the rug in my hurry to get to the phone. I quickly sent Charlie in to check on his food as I picked up the phone from the side.

"Jackie? Is everything alright?" I demanded.

"I can't be on the phone long," she replied, ignoring my question. She was whispering which told me that she didn't want someone to hear her talking on the phone.

"I just thought you should know that after Jasper left, Alice came downstairs for a while," she continued. I almost dropped the phone in shock at her words. Alice had actually gone downstairs after spending a week locked up in her room not responding to anyone.

"I don't know what he did to her. But whatever it was, it helped," she said. The gratitude was thick in her voice.

"Yeah," I agreed. My voice was quiet. I was still in shock.

"Look Bells, I have to go. I'll see you soon." We said our goodbyes quickly before I placed the phone back onto the holder. I sat down on the chair slowly and stared across the room aimlessly. That was how Charlie found me ten minutes later.

"Are you okay, Bella?" he asked as he took the seat opposite me, I turned to face him and blinked once as if I was waking up from my stupor.

"Yeah, sorry I was just thinking," I replied.

"What did Jackie want?"

"She just wanted to let me know that Alice came downstairs earlier," I told him, he seemed as shocked as what I did.

"Well that's good news then," he replied in a soft voice, Charlie loved Alice as if she were his own. We used to joke that Alice could have him wrapped around her little finger if she wanted to.

"Yeah it is," I agreed as I settled myself back into the chair, Charlie turned the TV on a minute later and started watching some rerun of a baseball game. I stared at the screen without really taking anything in. All I could think about was what happened today between Jasper and Alice.

I just had to find out what really happened, and I knew that it wouldn't be long before I knew the answer to that question. Because I had decided that I was going back to school tomorrow, and at the first chance I got, I would question him.

* * *

**A/N****: Did you like seeing a bit of Bella POV? I hope you did. Savour it, it's most probably the last you'll be hearing from Bella, unless I decide otherwise.**

**Hmm... so Bella is jealous that Jasper was able to get through to Alice when no one else could. That can't good :|**

**There's a poll on my profile, go vote.**

**Hope you've all had a good Christmas! Did you get anything nice this year?**


	15. Chapter 14

**A/N****: Again, I'm sorry for the long break... I've been busy, and I've also been putting off writing a section of this chapter.. I just couldn't get my mind into the scene, so I left it. I should have just sat down and wrote it out. But I didn't.**

**Anyway, thank you for the response in reviews, they always make me smile! Especially you Twin XD You are awesome for reviewing every chapter!!**

**A big thanks to** Juniper294**, once again she had been **_**amazing **_**with this chapter. And even though she's been extremely busy herself, she's still managed to look through this for me. Thank you :)**

**Disclaimer****: Stephenie Meyer would dislike what I make her characters do. Well Stephenie Meyer sue me, 'cause I'm gonna keep writing.

* * *

**

**Chapter 14 – Weakness**

**14****th** **October 2008**

**Jasper POV**

It was raining as I waited for the bus to turn up. I hated the rain at the best of times; and right now, the rain was adding to my bad mood. I hadn't slept well the night before. Every time I closed my eyes the same nightmare invaded my thoughts and I couldn't have slept for more than three hours at the maximum.

And now as I stood in the drizzle, all I could think about was Alice. It was the image of their faces, Alice's and the girl of my nightmare, that kept penetrating my mind.

It was the familiarity of it all that really got to me. The way Alice had looked at me as the pain emanated out of her was like a stab to the chest. Each time I saw her face was another puncture in my chest and I wanted it to stop. I wanted something to take my thoughts away from pain.

Finally the bus arrived and I concentrated on the trees that flew by as the bus moved along the wet roads towards Forks High. More and more people were riding the bus these days. Even though many had gone back to driving into school, there were those who just couldn't drive their car in through the front gates. I could only assume those that were on the bus now, were the same people who had witnessed the crash with their own eyes. Maybe witnessing the accident had caused them to lose all enthusiasm for using their own means of transport.

And so I had to sit right at the back of the bus, meaning I had to wait the longest to get off. When I finally stepped off, I pushed my hands into my pocket and practically jogged up to the entrance and in through the main doors.

"Jasper."

I stopped walking and turned in the direction of the voice that had called my name. It was Edward and Bella, but it was Bella that had called my name. And I could tell from the look on her face that she wanted answers. I thought briefly that it looked like she had been crying, quite a lot in fact, but I pushed that thought to the back of my mind as she began talking.

"Jackie told me Alice came downstairs after you left yesterday," Bella said, her voice was monotonous. She didn't bother with hellos or how are yous; she went straight in for the kill, so to speak.

I stared at her, momentarily wondering what she wanted me to reply with. Was she expecting me to rejoice and say that everything was going to be alright now? Well I wasn't going to. Alice coming downstairs was just the beginning.

"Jackie thinks it's because you went to see her," she continued. There was something in her tone that I didn't understand. It was almost as if she didn't _like _what she was saying.

"What did you do?" she enquired, sounding too urgent for answers to make it a normal conversation.

"I just held onto her and let her cry," I replied, then as an afterthought. "Anyone could have done it." _They just didn't know to do that,_ I added to myself. I didn't miss the flash of offence spread across her face before she composed herself seconds later.

"How did you know to do that?" she demanded, her voice wavered slightly and I had a fleeting thought that she was about to cry.

"I knew someone that had something similar happen to them," I answered, trying to keep my face expressionless. But as the image of his face flashed across my vision, I couldn't help but grimace. The bell rang, making me jump. I could tell that Bella was about to ask something else, but I used the excuse of going to my French class to get away from them.

French was awful. Madame Moogin seemed to have a vendetta against me and decided to ask the most puzzling questions ever known to man in the French language. Honestly, what was the point of us knowing how to ask where the entrance of the zoo was?

As I was walking towards the changing rooms for gym, I found Edward talking to a group of guys I didn't recognise. I decided against walking with him, I barely knew Edward, so to hang around with him and a bunch of other lads I'd only seen or twice was just stupid.

But once we'd all changed and congregated into the main gym, Edward came and stood by me anyway. The teacher was picking teams for a whole class basketball match, I was glad he didn't start fannying around making us participate in pre-game activities like throwing the ball to each other. We were in the last year at school, I think we all knew how to throw a ball.

Edward and I were placed on the same team, but the game was fast paced and the opposing team were competitive, I don't think I stood still for a second in the whole first half of the match. When coach Clapp blew the whistle at half time we all swapped with the second half of our team so that we could have a break.

I sat down on one of the benches and leant forward, resting my arms on my knees. Edward came to sit beside me, something I wasn't anticipating, I would have thought he would have stood with the other guys in our class, the same guys he had been talking to earlier.

"God that team did _not _let up once," Edward groaned as he sat down heavily.

"I _know,_" I agreed, groaning a little myself. "It's not even like it's a tournament or anything. They need to stop being so competitive."

"Tell me about it," Edward muttered as ran his hand through his messy hair, in result, making it messier than before. "If only Emmett was in this group, he comes from a _long _line of competitive males."

I chuckled to myself. "I can just imagine."

"Word to the wise, never play on the team against Emmett," Edward grumbled, it was an obvious case of sour grapes, I bet Edward was a sore loser. "He's always had his brothers to play against."

"What about you, do you have any brothers or sisters?" I asked him.

"Nope, it's me and my parents," he replied. "How about you?"

"Just me, my mom and my little sister," I said, my voice was cautious, something that always seemed to happen when someone brought up the family topic. I guess I _did _walk right into this one all by myself.

"Oh right, where's your dad?" he asked.

_I don't know._

I shrugged, trying to come across as blasé, but the muscles in my shoulders were too tense to truly manage it. "I don't know."

He thought I was joking, I wasn't. "What do you mean you _don't know?" _he asked, sounding amused.

"It means I don't _know_," I growled. I could see from the corner of my eye that he had tensed. He didn't say anything else.

"I'm goin' to get a drink," I muttered as I stood up too abruptly and stalked away from him without a backwards glance. I forcefully pushed the doors opened, I didn't wince when it slammed against the wall and bounced back.

I didn't bother getting a drink, instead I walked into the bathroom and splashed water onto my face, cooling my heated skin. When I looked up into the mirror I saw the dark, emotionless eyes staring right back at me. I sighed and pushed away from the sink, I had to get back to class.

When I walked back in, Edward was standing with the same group of lads, but his eyes met mine quickly. He stared at me cautiously, his brow was furrowed in confusion, he wouldn't know where my hostile reaction came from, no one else had experienced it, I'd only really been like that with Alice. God, I was such a bastard.

Edward looked away then and went back to the conversation he was having. The guy confused me, instead of feeling angry or annoyed at me, he looked worried. I slumped down on the bench and rested my back against the wall, my eyes looked out across the gym and started to stare at nothing in particular.

As I was walking out of Calculus, which had been extremely quiet due to Emmett's absence, I bumped into Rosalie. She smiled at me faintly then joined me on the way to the cafeteria. It was strange… but I actually _wanted_ to sit with them all now; I _wanted_ to be there for them.

"How's Emmett holding up?" I asked as we passed by the parking lot on the way to the cafeteria. I noticed how Rosalie diverted her eyes so that she didn't have to look out the window and see the parking lot.

She sighed quietly by my side and brushed some hair out of her eyes. "I haven't seen him this quiet since I met him when we were nine years old," she told me. Despair was ringing in her tone.

"I just don't know what to say to him," she continued in a defeated voice. "I just feel so useless."

I rested my hand on her shoulder comfortingly, she smiled in thanks. "Don't say anything," I murmured.

"_What?" _she snapped, her face contorting in anger. It didn't take me long to realise that she misunderstood what I had said. She thought I was being derisive and telling her not to talk to Emmett at all.

"How can you be sarcastic at a time like this?" she continued. She talked so quickly that I could hardly get a word in edgeways.

"No, no, no," I began, shaking my head. "What I mean is you don't need to say anything. Just be there for him. Sometimes actions speak louder than words."

Her cheeks filled with colour as her expression smoothed out. I could tell she was embarrassed as she nodded in understanding. "I guess you're right. Thanks, Jasper... I heard what you did for Alice."

I shrugged my shoulders lazily. "I was just doing what everyone else was doing," I told her, but she shook her head.

"Yeah, but you got through to get when everyone else couldn't," she replied, I didn't miss the gentle tone in her voice. The kindness in her voice made the corner of my mouth turn up in a smile.

We walked in silence for a little while longer, we were about one hundred metres away from the cafeteria when Rosalie stopped and turned to face me.

"I'm sorry for snapping at you earlier. It's just that I thought you were being sarcastic and what with everything that has happened… I'm just…" But her voice seemed to fade away as her eyes watered slightly. I didn't know what to do, and so I did the only thing that came to my mind. I hugged her.

She stiffened slightly at first. But as quickly as she did, she relaxed and returned the embrace. "You don't need to explain yourself," I reassured her. "It's my fault for not wording it properly."

I didn't understand where this comforting side came from, first I was comforting Alice and now I was comforting Rosalie. Why was I filling in for the people who weren't here? Was I really so drawn to all the pain and suffering that I had to involve myself in it?

As we pulled away she looked up at me with her sad eyes and smiled weakly, though the smile didn't reach her eyes.

"I don't think we've ever really talked properly before," she began as we started walking again. "But I'm really glad that you're here Jasper."

I smiled slightly and looked down at her. "I'm glad I'm here too," I replied honestly. It was strange. But for once, I was glad that I had come to Forks and met these people, though I was certain the feeling wouldn't last forever.

When we finally got into the cafeteria and got our tray full of food we went and joined Bella and Edward at the table. I didn't even have to think about sitting with them anymore, there was so many people missing from the table that it didn't seem to bother me now. In truth, I knew it was because Robbie wasn't there. But as harsh as it sounded, I found it more comfortable without him.

They both looked up and smiled as we sat down, although I could tell that none of them really felt like smiling. Edward's smile as a little more cautious then normal, I could tell our little _encounter_ earlier was still fresh on his mind. It was silent as we sat there eating, though it wasn't an awkward silence. It was just… silent.

"I was talking to Emmett earlier," Edward said, breaking the long silence that had fallen over us. We all looked at him expectantly waiting to hear what it was he had to say.

"He went to visit Alice again today. He said that she didn't say anything, but she held onto his hand," Edward continued. I was glad that Alice had Emmett to keep her company for a portion of the day. I hated the idea of Alice being on her own.

"He also told me that he's thinking of coming back to school tomorrow." It was silent then as we thought about what Edward had just told us. That meant that if Emmett came back to school tomorrow, then everyone would have returned to the scene of the accident. Everyone except Alice.

* * *

Mom was already home when I walked in with Emily, I sent her off to wash her hands before walking into the kitchen to talk to mom. I was instantly imagining the worst possible scenario that she had been fired or made redundant. My mind wasn't working properly enough to realise that she would have been given two weeks notice if either of those were to happen.

"Mom, what are you doing back so early?" I asked as soon as I saw her, I could hear the timbre of distress in my voice. We needed the money, we couldn't afford to go without her job at the grocery store. Even with my job at Newton's outfitters, we still wouldn't have enough money to see us by.

"Oh hello, Jas, I'm fine thanks, how are you?" she replied, smirking slightly as she turned to face me.

She sounded happy, if she had just been fired then she wouldn't in such good spirits, she would be... drinking. I sighed heavily and tried to smile at her in response.

"I'm sorry. I'm fine, just a bit confused, why are you home so early?" I asked. For some reason, I found myself holding my breath once again, I really didn't see the logic behind it.

"Mr Spencer had to close the shop early, he sent all the workers home," she said as she made herself a cup of coffee. "Something happened with his kid apparently, I heard she broke her leg at school."

I pulled a face at the thought as I grabbed the carton of juice from the fridge, but as I went to sit down, the story of Mr Spencer and his kid was at the back of my mind.

"So... mom, how are your AA meetings going?" I asked, I watched her as I spoke, but to my surprise she smiled at me.

"Yeah they are going alright I guess," she replied. "I've only had two meetings so its still a little bit hard to talk to them all freely."

"It'll get better," I told her, knowing that those types of things were always hard to start with. She'd be able to join in soon enough, she _had _to.

"I know," she agreed. "I didn't expect there to be so many people though, they are all very nice though. Especially this one gentleman called Felix, he is very welcoming."

I stared at her warily at the mention of a guys name. "What is he like?" I asked cautiously, I was certain she would hear the implying tone of my voice.

"He said he's only been going to them about a month before I joined, so we're sort of going through the stages together, it's nice," she replied, smiling softly to herself. I noticed how she didn't answer my question, not properly at least. I got the feeling so was evading my questioning about this Felix bloke. I immediately didn't trust him.

Just as I was about to question her further, Emily walked in with one of the paintings she'd made at school to show mom. She hadn't shut up about it all the way home so I wasn't about to interrupt her now. I sighed and stood up, I wasn't going to get anymore out of mom today, not now that she had turned all her attention to Emily.

* * *

**14****th**** October 2008**

**Emmett POV**

Everyone had now returned to school, everyone had passed over the area that it happened, everyone had faced it, yet _I_ couldn't. It was easier to manage the pain of losing a best friend if I didn't have to go back to the scene of the accident. So I remained at home, whereas everyone else had been brave enough to go back to school.

I didn't really know what I was going to do. I couldn't spend every day sitting at home whilst everyone else was back at school. I didn't even have my youngest sister, Cally-May to look after anymore. She had started going to some moms and tots class with Ma now. And so for once, the McCarty house was completely silent- eerily so, in fact.

I was getting sick of sitting staring at the wall all day. There wasn't anything I could do that didn't remind me of Robbie and consequently his death. I would switch on the TV and there was a re-run of Prison Break playing, our favourite TV show. I'd load up the Xbox and then I'd remember how we'd been planning another Xbox marathon on the day it happened.

I'd look at my phone and there would be a message from him, a picture, his number, even a damn missed call from last month that would for some reason just randomly appear on the screen. And each time I'd be reminded of what happened, of what was still happening to Alice.

Both Rosalie and I had been to see her on many different occasions, we'd visited both together and separately, and each time we never got a response from her. Sometimes I wondered whether she even realised that we were there, whether she knew that we just needed a small response from her. It didn't even have to be a big response, just a glance in our direction would suffice for now.

I'd talked to Bella and Edward throughout the past week and knew that they had both been going to visit Alice whenever they could. Rosalie told me that Jasper had got a response from Alice when he went to see her. I didn't really know how I felt about that. It made me wonder why she had reacted to Jasper and not anyone else. But I knew that Jasper was a decent guy, though a little reclusive at times, and so I would congratulate him on whatever response he'd managed to evoke from her.

But today no one was with her, they were all at school. Today was my turn.

I decided against driving the Jeep and chose to walk to Alice's. It wasn't far to walk. It would only take me about ten minutes. Alice's dad, Paul, answered the door when I got there, it was obviously his day off as both cars were on the driveway still. I doubted whether Jackie had even returned to work yet.

Jackie came through to see who it was that had arrived. When she saw me, she smiled at me softly and asked if I wanted anything to eat or drink. She did that every time I came over, but she knew all I really wanted was to go upstairs and see Alice. All I wanted was a small response.

"She's awake. I took her some food up about half an hour ago," she told me as I looked up the stairs towards Alice's room. I nodded knowing that she wanted me to check whether she'd eaten. I wondered briefly whether Alice had acknowledged Jackie when she had been with her. _She must have_, I thought to myself, how else would she have known she was awake?

"I'll see if she's eaten anything," I said as I took the first step towards the stairs. She reached out and touched my arm comfortingly.

"Thank you, Emmett," she sighed.

The door was shut when I got up the stairs, but as I walked in the curtains were open- a difference from when I'd last been there. But as usual, Alice was still hunched over facing the wall. As I looked down, I saw the half eaten plate of food, at least she'd eaten some of it.

"Hi Alice," I murmured as I went and sat on the end of the bed, she didn't respond, but I could tell she knew I was there in the way her body shifted slightly. I was disheartened that she didn't react to me, but I carried on anyway, like I did every time I was with her.

"Edward and Rosalie went back to school yesterday," I continued. "Bella went back today. It's just you and me now. But I think I'm going to go back in tomorrow..." _Am I? _

No response.

"I'm scared though," I told her, my voice smaller than what it usually was. I hated admitting that I was scared. It made me feel weak when I knew that others had managed it. But I couldn't help the emotion from flowing through me whenever I thought about stepping into the school grounds. I didn't even know exactly what it was I was scared of. Was I worried that seeing where it happened would push me into a downward spiral of depression like Alice?

I zoned out and closed my eyes. Even Bella had plucked up enough courage to go in, to face the memories that most probably invaded her every thought. Yet I couldn't even bring myself to even _think _about the idea of going into school again without feeling scared. I deserved a place in the faint-hearted category.

I didn't hear her move, nor did I even feel the movement of the mattress as her weight shifted. It was only when I felt her hand on mine that I snapped out of my stupor.

When I looked up, she had turned over and was now facing me, her eyes was staring at me intently as if they were waiting for something. It shocked me how different she looked from a week ago. Her face was pale and thinner, I could tell, even though she'd eaten something today, that she wasn't getting anywhere near the amount of nutrition she should be.

The pain in her eyes was too much for me. It made me my whole body feel cold, as if it had been drenched in icy water. Her pain was unbearable. I looked away from her and down at her hand that was over mine, I didn't say anything and neither did she.

I twisted my hand so that our hands were palm to palm, I then entwined her tiny fingers with mine and held onto it as if my life depended on it. A single tear rolled down my cheek slowly but I did not move to brush it away. She had responded to me, I had gotten through to her. And that one small action of holding my hand impacted me more than she could ever imagine.

* * *

I don't really know how long we had sat there in silence holding each other's hand, but it felt nice and I just hoped that I was helping her in some small way. When she pulled her hand away and shuffled back to the corner of her bed I knew that she wanted to be alone. I didn't want to leave her there, but I knew that there wasn't anything else I could do.

And so I got up and left. Jackie had been waiting at the bottom of the stairs. I could tell that she wanted to know how things were going but I just had to get out of there. I told her what she wanted to her and left.

On the walk back home I pulled out my phone and dialled Rosalie's number. I really needed someone to talk to. But to my dismay, it went straight through to voicemail. I thought for a moment before dialling Edward's number. Thankfully, he picked up.

"Hey Emm," he said, he sounded as depressed as I felt.

"Hey Edward," I replied, my tone matched his.

"Everything alright?"

"Yeah, I went to see Alice today, she's gotten worse since I last saw her man. She held my hand though. I just hope that I helped her." As I spoke I thought about the agonising look in her eyes as when she stared at me. But now that I thought about it, I couldn't get the image of this new, haunted Alice out of my mind.

"I'm sure you did, Emm," he reassured me.

"How's Rosalie holding up?" I asked. I felt like a coward allowing her to go in there while I stayed at home. It should have been me helping her through those front gates.

He sighed softly. "She's okay I guess, but she needs you. We all do."

"I know," I sighed. "I just… I…" But Edward finished the sentence for me.

"You just don't know if you can walk through the parking lot again." We both sighed because we both knew he was right.

"I will be in tomorrow, Edward," I promised him. I knew that the longer I put it off, the more chances there would be of me deciding never to return for months.

"Alright, mate, I'll see you tomorrow then. I have to go, lessons about to start," he replied.

"Alright. Thanks," I added, and then cut the call as I heard his teacher tell him to put the phone down.

* * *

**15****th**** October 2008**

I gripped Rosalie's hand in mine as we stepped towards the front gates, I didn't know how I'd managed to get this far. I could see the car park; I could see where it happened. Rosalie was the only thing keeping me here, the only thing stopping me from running home.

It was ridiculous for me to feel this way. I was meant to be the fearless one, the one who braved the worst when others couldn't. And yet now I was the coward, the one who was last to return, the one who held onto his girlfriend's hand, allowing her to be the strong one.

They had all done it, even Bella, who -apart from Alice- had known Robbie the longest. She had still managed it.

"I hate being the weak one," I growled. The anger in my voice directed inwardly.

"You're not weak, Emmett," she assured me, her voice soothing.

I sighed angrily. "Then why can't I go in there?" I asked as I nodded towards the car park.

Rosalie let go of my hand and came to stand directly in front of me, she took my face in her hands, making me look her in the eye.

"Now you listen to me, Emmett. Both Edward and I stood in this very spot for over _fifteen_ minutes unable to take a step further. Yesterday, Bella took over half an hour, and she only walked in when her eyes were so full of tears that she couldn't see anything anyway. You are _not _weak, Emmett McCarty. You hear me? You're _not_."

I closed my eyes and rested my forehead against hers. I really didn't know what I would do if I didn't have Rosalie.

"I love you," I murmured as I pulled back and kissed her softly on the forehead, she sighed quietly and took my hand again.

"I love you too, Emmett," she whispered back.

I took a deep breath and looked towards the front of the school. It would be the start of lesson soon and I knew that if I didn't do it now, with Rosalie by my side, then I never would. I squeezed her hand briefly before slowly walking towards the front gate. She didn't say anything as she walked next to me. All she did was hold my hand. My Rosalie, my angel, she was all I needed.

* * *

**A/N****: I hope you liked the chapter :) I really do enjoy writing Emmett's POV, its so different from both Alice and Jasper.**

**I have a request... if you review, which I sincerely hope you do, please can you give me any idea for what Jasper can get Emily for her birthday/Christmas? Remember, she is a five year old girl, so obviously keep within the correct age range. I don't want anything generic, like dolls or make up, something creative, please :) Your help would be appreciated as I need gift ideas. Thanks.**


	16. Chapter 15

**A/N****: Chapter 15!**

**I know it's been a while, but I didn't want to post this quickly as chapter 16 isn't complete yet. But hopefully it will be soon. Although I haven't got my laptop at the moment, so my time for writing has decreased. And college is really busy, too.**

**A massive thank you to Juniper294 for being a brilliant beta. Without her, this chapter wouldn't actually have existed. She prompted me to write it. She also helped out a lot with the plot etc. So This chapter is for her :)**

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed, added as favourite and alerted this story. You all make me smile :)**

**Anyway, here is chapter 15. I hope you enjoy it! I loved writifng it!**

**Disclaimer****: I wish I owned Jasper. If I did, and he was actually real, I just know we'd have a good time *winks* But I do own Sylvia and Emily Whitlock.**

* * *

**Chapter 15 – Confrontation**

**18****th**** October 2008**

**Jasper POV**

_Tick tick tick. Tap tap tap._

I tried concentrating on the TV screen and what was currently dancing across it in an array of colourful places and people. But it was futile, I couldn't stop my eyes from flickering towards the clock every few seconds.

It was 11.35, mom was usually home on a Saturday night by 11. She wasn't the one who had to stay till closing time. The fact that she was late home from the bar, could only mean one thing in my mind, she was drinking again, just like the last time this happened.

My fingers were repeatedly tapping against the armrest making a strange tapping noise against the leather. I gave up on any pretence of watching TV and stared at the clock, watching as the second hand made a full cycle around the clock face. Signifying that every time it did that, another minute had passed, adding to mom's tardiness.

_Tick tick tick. Tap tap tap._

I sighed in frustration as I snatched the remote and switched the TV off. I stood up and walked from the room, my feet made loud noises in the silent house. I walked up the stairs, making sure I didn't wake Emily up. She was always a deep sleeper but I still didn't want her up at this hour. She'd know something was on my mind, and then when she would ask me about it. I wouldn't be able to stop myself from telling her that mom wasn't home yet. She had a way of getting things out of me with just one look.

But as I walked passed her room, I realised the only way to find out where mom was, was to go looking for her myself. I slowly opened Emily's door and peaked inside, she was fast asleep and didn't show signs of waking.

But could I really leave her here on her own in the middle of the night?

_But what about mom? Do you want someone to bring her home in the middle of the night?_

"Fuck," I muttered to myself as I grabbed my boots from the side and pulled them on. I wouldn't be gone long, Emily wouldn't wake up, she won't know any different.

I pulled on my coat then grabbed my keys from the side, the cold October air whipped at me as I stepped out and locked the door behind me. It was fucking freezing.

I started on my brisk walk towards the bar, I'd never been there before, nor did I have any desire in doing so, but I knew I had to. I had only seen the bar once, and that was only in passing. I'd gone the wrong way when walking to work one time. It was like taking the wrong turn in a forest and finding yourself in the darkest, most frightening part of the woods, it had been one of those times. It didn't look appealing even in the daytime, god knows what it would be like now.

Because of the cold and my urgency to get to Mom, it barely took any time at all to get to the bar. I took a deep breath as I pushed the door opened and walked inside. The place was old fashioned, wooden beams and panels on the wall. There was very little lighting which added to the overall dark feeling the place gave off.

_This was where mom worked? _I immediately didn't like it.

The only occupants were old or middle aged men sitting together with a pint of beer in their hands. A couple of them eyed me suspiciously as I walked passed them. Their stares made my skin crawl in disgust. I ignored any and all comments they sent my way.

"Jasper?"

I turned around to see mom standing behind the bar, her brow was pulled together in confusion. And it was then that I realised she was sober.

"What are you still doing here?" I demanded in a hushed whisper.

She frowned. "What do you mean what am I still doing here? It's my shift!" she replied as she glanced around to see if there were any more customers waiting to be served. There weren't.

"You're meant to be home by 11, its 11.57," I said, the biting sound of my voice indicating that I was slowly losing my temper.

"Yes and you're meant to be at home with Emily," she shot back as she crossed her arms in front of her. "I can't believe you left her on her own in the middle of the night."

I barked out one short, incredulous laugh. "She's asleep, she won't even know I'm gone. And who are you to tell me off for that? You left her on her own in the middle of the day!"

Her face fell as the words left my lips, I knew it wouldn't achieve anything by bringing that up now, but I couldn't stop myself.

"Yes, well my shift will be over soon. Victoria will be here in a minute, she's just running a little late," she informed me, her arms tightened across her chest as she spoke, a defensive position I realised.

"Did you not think about telling me this?" I asked, leaning forward over the bar so that I was closer. I was aware that we were drawing attention to ourselves.

"I don't have to keep you posted on everything that happens, Jasper," she replied, even her voice was guarded. I could tell I was really getting to her when she called me Jasper, she rarely used my full name when talking to me. She usually called me Jas.

"You do when you're an alcoholic," I snarled through clenched teeth. I knew I had taken it too far as I watched the pain slowly spread across her features. Neither of us had ever said the word out loud before.

"You know I'm getting help with that," she replied in a small voice as she referred to the AA meetings she was attending every Monday. She'd only been to two meetings so far.

"I bet they don't encourage your current place of employment, do they?" I said, my tone softer than before but still it held the timbre of anger in had before.

"We need the money though, Jasper," she continued. "You know that."

"And so you'd willingly make life harder for yourself by standing in front of the dangling fucking carrot every other night?" I snapped. Anger was an emotion that came to me so easily now. It made me react differently to situations, it made me say things without thinking them through beforehand.

I didn't _care_ if she had to quit her job, I didn't _care_ that we had to be strapped for cash. I just didn't want her working in this repulsive place.

"I'm doing fine though, I won't give into the temptation," she replied, it sounded as if she was reassuring herself more than she was reassuring me.

"The easier way to prove that is to take the temptation away, not live with it!" I cried, my voice rising to a louder level than necessary.

"Do we have a problem here?" a dirty blond haired male asked as he came to stand next to mom.

"No," I growled, but he didn't listen to me.

"Sylvia?"

She looked me in the eye briefly before turning to the man beside her. "There is no problem here, James," she replied. I didn't know whether to be hurt by the fact that she didn't tell him who I was to her.

"Okay," he muttered reluctantly as he glanced at me briefly. "Well if there is a problem then Laurent is only over there," he continued, he was speaking to mom yet I could hear the threat in his voice that was directed at me.

I turned in the direction they were looking in and saw the man they were referring to, he was black with long, thick dreadlocks. He nodded in our direction before letting his eyes land on me as if he was some kind of human security system.

"Well I don't think it'll come to that," mom said before giving me a meaningful look. In other words, she was telling me to shut the hell up. James moved away and served another customer, mom waited for him to be completely occupied before turning back to me.

"Go home, Jasper. And stay there," she hissed.

"I'd rather wait." I turned away from her without another word and sat down in one of the empty booths. She stared at me angrily for a moment before exhaling deeply and turning away.

I watched her like a hawk as she served people drinks and took their wasted money. I could tell my staring affected her as she kept running her fingers through her hair, yet she refused to even glance in my direction.

Maybe it was my mind playing tricks on me, making me think things that in any normal situation I wouldn't think about, but as I watched her, I saw the way her eyes lingered on the glass of alcohol for a second longer than necessary. I saw the way she bit her lip every time she poured another pint for one of the sleazy old men. As I said, maybe it was my mind playing tricks on me. Deep down, I really wished that it was.

If I hadn't of been watching her so closely, I wouldn't have seen the man who walked up the bar and called her name. I wouldn't have seen the way he talked to her as if they were old friends. I wouldn't have seen his lips move as he slurred over five words.

"Have one on me, darlin'."

I watched, my teeth gritting in anger, as she shook her head and said no thank you then poured him a drink. He frowned at her then pushed more money towards her, it was then that I realised he was the same man who had brought her home last time.

"Go on, darlin', you know you want one," he said, leaning over the bar towards her. I watched as her eyes looked down at the glass then back up at him, she was thinking it over.

I got up from my seat a little too forcefully than necessary, the legs on the chair scraped against the ground noisily. I was by his side in a second.

"She said she didn't want one," I snarled, my nostrils flared as he turned to me slowly and stared at me with bloodshot eyes.

"And whas it go' to do with you," he asked, I could barely understand what he was saying, he was slurring that badly. I wrinkled my nose as the rancid stale beer smell wafted over to me.

"Jasper," mom warned. She reached over and laid her hand on my arm, but I pulled it from her grasp.

"It has got everything to do with me," I seethed. And even though I didn't want to be closer to him, I found that my body was leaning towards him in a threatening manner.

He started to laugh then turned away from me and looked back at mom. "So what d'ya say?"

I gritted my teeth as I saw a red haze flash across my vision. I wasn't even in control of my body as I snatched at the glass he was holding out to mom and threw it to the ground where it smashed into a million pieces. The room went silent as I grabbed at his clothes, pulling him from the chair and shook him angrily. In his drunken state, he couldn't even pull away properly, he practically fell off the chair when I grabbed him. I was the only thing holding him up.

"She said she didn't want one!" I roared as I continued to shake him. I heard mom scream my name to the left of me, but it didn't stop me. It was the two strong hands around my body that did that.

"You said there wouldn't be a problem," James shouted as he slammed his hand down on the bar. I could tell his words were aimed at mom. "Get him out of here!" James exclaimed, turning to look at me as he held the drunken man away from my thrashing arms.

I couldn't see Mom anymore, she wasn't standing in the spot she had been only moments ago. I didn't have time to look around for her as I was roughly dragged away, the doors were flung open and I was forcefully thrown outside.

I held my hands out to cushion my fall, and I felt the sharp pain as the skin on my palm scraped against the uneven ground. I pulled myself up quickly and turned around, Laurent was still standing at the door. His arms were crossed in front of him in threatening manner. Obviously stopping me from entering the bar again.

Where the hell was mom? Why hadn't she come out yet? I felt stupid standing here waiting for her, especially with Laurent standing there looking at me still, it was almost like an embarrassing standoff. I angrily brushed the stones embedded in my hand on my jeans and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

"I don't know why you're still standing there, boy," he said, emphasising on the word _boy. _It was then that I realised she wasn't coming out. She was leaving me out here on my own.

I pushed my hands into my pockets and turned away feeling heavy hearted. I shouldn't have felt that way, what else did I expect? Did I really think she would come out here and check that I was alright?

Obviously I did.

I angrily kicked at the loose gravel around my feet and watched them bounce along the ground and stop a few metres away. I don't know why I was even surprised, when it came to alcohol, she always put it first.

When I got home I quickly pulled my keys out of my pocket and unlocked the door, I slung them down on the table, and cursed at the loud noise they made. After dumping my coat I slowly made my way upstairs, I couldn't hear any sounds in the house, Emily was probably still asleep.

And when I opened her door slowly I found her lying in the same position I had left her in. She looked peaceful in her sleep, I noticed that it was something she always managed to pull off. Even when we had first moved here, she didn't look unhappy while she slept.

It was then that I realised, as I stared at her, that she really didn't know any different. She wouldn't know what had happened between me and our mom just now, she wouldn't know that there was another rift coming between our tiny family. A rift that was shaped like an alcohol bottle, the same rift that led our father to leave.

I had promised before, that day in the diner when we'd first moved here, I had made a promise to myself to prevent her from getting involved, to stop her seeing what I saw. And yet I knew that I was failing, even though she hadn't seen anything today, I had failed her.

She had seen our mother drunk, she had witnessed it with her own eyes. I could remember the tears that she shed, the way her body had shook because she was scared that our mother was sick.

And she was sick, but in a way that Emily didn't understand. A way I never wanted her to understand.

"I wish I could protect you from everything," I murmured so softly that it would barely even reach her ears, let alone wake her up. I sighed as I turned away from her, no matter how much I wished, I knew I wouldn't be able to truly not that, not really. Whenever things were looking up, whenever there may be the hope that I wouldn't _need _to protect her, something would happen. And that hope would come crashing down. Because it would just get worse again, it would _always _get worse again.

I left her room and silently made my way downstairs, mom would be home soon, and I knew that there would be an argument between us. I could already feel it inside my chest, and she wasn't even home yet.

I sat down in the same chair I had been sitting in before I left the house, it was then that I noticed the pattern that started once again.

_Tick tick tick. Tap tap tap._

I curled my fingers into my palms so that I could stop them from tapping as the minutes continued to pass by. The skin of my palm still felt raw, and as my fingers came into contact with it, it started to sting, but I ignored it. But I could not divert my eyes from the clock, all I could do was sit and watch the second hand work its way around the clock face time after time.

It was almost thirty five minutes later that I finally heard her opening the front door, I waited in the other room, not bothering to stand up. The lights were on, she would know I was in here.

I saw a movement by the door which made me look up in the same direction. When our eyes met I saw the anger burning within them and I allowed my expression to drop, to become emotionless. She wouldn't see anything in my eyes.

"I don't know what got into you tonight, Jasper, but you have to understand that you do_ not _come into my workplace and start a fight," she said, her voice was strained as if she was trying to keep it under control. She was only just managing it. "You're lucky I didn't lose my job over this!"

I snorted. "Lucky? I _want _you to lose your job," I cried, knowing she wouldn't understand what I was saying. She would assume I was lashing out at her.

"I'm going to pretend you didn't say that, Jasper," she replied, the words were clipped. Her self control was slipping.

"You do that," I muttered. "It doesn't mean I'm going to take it back."

She clenched her teeth together and diverted her eyes from me for a second. "You really need to get over this little tantrum you're having. And while you're doing that, I want you to get it into that head of yours that you have to stop meddling in things that don't concern you."

"It concerns me when I have to be the one to clean up the mess afterwards though," I spat, poking my fingers into my chest as I spoke. Maybe she didn't remember, but it was the same mess from a couple of weeks ago that I was referring to.

"Yes, but there was no mess, Jasper. And there _never _would have been either, if you hadn't of come in and made some!" she shrieked. "You shouldn't even have been in the bar!"

"Well neither should you!" I cried, shaking my head in disbelief. "Isn't that what they teach you in those AA meetings? To stay _away _from the problem that made you go to those meetings in the first place?"

She visibly flinched. I could tell I'd finally hit home with the message I was trying to get across. She looked away from me, tears filling her eyes. I briefly felt bad for putting them there, but I couldn't comfort her now, not while I was still feeling angry.

"Well I am sorry for giving a damn, mom. I will try not to in the future," I told her, my voice was cold, emotionless.

I turned away from her then and made my way out of the room and up the stairs as quickly as possible. It took every ounce of my self control to stop myself from slamming the door shut. But I knew that if I did that, then I would wake Emily, and that was something I really didn't want to do.

I flung myself down on my bed and closed my eyes, trying very hard not to think of anything at all. At least I had work tomorrow, that would occupy my mind, not to mention get me out of the house and away from mom.

* * *

**19****th**** October 2008**

When I woke up I felt incredibly groggy, as if I'd just woken up from being under an anaesthetic. Except it was just the same nightmare that I was waking up from.

I kicked the covers back and sat up, rubbing my hand over my face as I did so. I had a headache, I wanted to curl up and fall asleep, but at a quick glance at the clock, I had only an hour and a half before I was due at work. Great.

I pulled myself out of bed and gathered my work clothes then walked into the shower. Maybe that would help eradicate the post sleep induced haze I was experiencing. The shower helped, almost.

When I walked downstairs I heard someone in the kitchen, Emily's door was still closed which meant she was still in bed. Mom was already up, and I had to face her. _This will be interesting, _I thought to myself.

When I rounded the corner I stopped dead in my tracks at what I saw. She was busy pottering around the kitchen as if nothing had happened the day before. I could see the breakfast she was making, usually when she was in a mood, she didn't bother with breakfast, yet here she was, being the perfect mother.

"Oh there you are, Jas," she said as she turned to smile at me. My eyes almost bugged out of their sockets as I stared at her. I wanted to shout at her, demanding why the hell she was acting like yesterday didn't happen. But I was tired of the arguments, I didn't have the energy to start something now.

"Would you like some breakfast before you go to work?" she continued as she signalled towards the bacon she was cooking under the grill.

"Sure," I muttered as I went to sit down at the table, I continued to watch her cautiously as if I was expecting her to have a sudden change of mood and for the superficial happy act to disappear.

And yet it didn't. When she served the bacon onto a plate she smiled at me again and sat down opposite me. I didn't eat for a full minute as I tried to understand where this behaviour came from. How could she be so _normal _after the way we'd ended things last night.

"So how was your first month at school?" she asked just as I reached for some bacon. I faltered and stopped what I was doing once again.

_First_ _month?_

Was it really one month since starting at Forks high? Had I really only known them all for one month? Robbie was alive a month ago, Alice was _Alice _a month ago. "So much has happened."

"Well that's good to hear," she said, misunderstanding what I had said. I hadn't even answered her question, not properly at least, and yet she didn't ask for me to say anything more.

"Are you getting along with your teachers?" she asked. What was with all the questions?

"Yes." I took a bite of bacon so that I didn't have to answer anything more, I chewed over the food more precisely than what I normally would have, I was stalling, I didn't want to continue in this pointless conversation.

She chewed over her own food for a moment, leaving the room in complete silence for a full minute. "Are you getting all your homework done?"

"Yes."

She nodded slowly and looked back down at her plate. She was asking questions to fill the silence now, I could tell, and my one-worded answers were really not helping. I wasn't in the mood to answer her properly. She was never around when I did my homework, she was always working at that _place _when I was doing it.

"Christmas is only in two months," she mused, changing the subject. "What would you like?" Her voice was cheery, too cheery.

Christmas. This time last year everything was perfect, for almost everyone. I was happy, my friends were happy and my family were happy. Alice was happy. Twelve months, oh how things have changed. What would Christmas mean to me this year? "Nothing."

I hadn't meant to say anything, I didn't mean to answer the question aloud, not mine or moms.

"What? There must be something you want," she said as she got up and took her plate to the sink. She turned back to me as she finished her sentence. I didn't meet her eye, not at first.

Yes, there was something I wanted. "But you won't be able to get it."

"Well how about you tell me what..." But her voice trailed away from her as she stared into my eyes. Her expression fell and she sighed quietly. "I wish I could get you that, Jas, I do."

I silenced her with a glare. She promptly changed the subject.

"What about your new friends?" she asked. I didn't understand her question, so I didn't answer her. And so she continued. "Will you be getting them any gifts?"

"No." I didn't look at her, even though I knew she was looking at me, most probably in shock at my curt answer. Not that I hadn't already been using that tone with her before, maybe she was just ignoring it?

"Okay. Although I bet they won't be celebrating much anyway. What's her name? She certainly won't," she muttered, almost making it sound like a joke. It shouldn't have annoyed me that she couldn't remember Alice's name, why should she?

But I couldn't stop the hint of rage from seeping into my tone as I answered her. "Her name is Alice."

"Hmm" was all she said as she carried on pottering about. She was either ignoring the anger in my voice, or she didn't hear it. "So when is he getting buried then?" she asked.

Her voice made it sound like a simple, everyday question such as _would you like some sugar with that?_ The fury that flared in my chest took me by surprise, I wasn't expecting to feel it so strongly. It was the lack of emotion, lack of sensitivity in her voice that got to me.

Not because she was talking about Robbie in the wrong way, but because people were suffering over it. People like Alice and Rosalie and Emmett... my friends. They were all suffering and nobody deserved to suffer in that way.

And the insensitive tone in her voice was belittling it, making it seem as if this was nothing, that his _death_ was nothing. But I held my tongue, there was no point starting an argument over this, I would just answer her question. "Tomorrow."

"Oh," she replied, once again being totally oblivious to the tone of my voice. "Are you going?"

It sounded as if she didn't care whether I answered her or not. "No."

"Not even to pay your respects?" she asked.

Pay my respects? Nobody would notice if I was there, nor would they notice that I wasn't.

"I didn't know him." I didn't like him.

She didn't reply because she didn't care, not really. I got up a little too abruptly and dumped my glass in the sink.

"Where are you goin'?" she inquired as I started for the door.

"Work."

"Oh come on, Jas, you're not due in for another hour!" she said, she sounded as if she was about to follow me.

"I'll walk slowly."

I didn't bother to wait for a reply, I just kept walking, silently wishing that I could walk away from it all and never come back.

* * *

**A/N****: I hope you liked it. Please let me know what you thought of the chapter in the form of a review. Or even a PM if you so wish. I'm open for questions too... So if you wanted to know something, just ask :)**


	17. Chapter 16

**A/N****: Chapter 16! (Beware, there are very long A/N's coming up.)**

**Wow, over two months since I last updated. I'm really sorry for the long wait yet again. It is a **_**very**_** long chapter which happened to be extremely hard to write and edit out. You'll see why. I think the length of the chapter compensates for the long wait you've had.**

**I have good news! Lost in Orbit is now a validated story on Twilighted! *happy dance* Go show your support and review the story for me, please? I don't get very many reviews. Also, check out the Jasper/Alice series I created called Eternal Hope. Details are on my profile.**

**A quick note, the church is based around the church near to where I live. The graveyard in this chapter is directly next to the church which is why there are mentions of the cemetery in the same scene as the church. I hope that saves any confusion.**

**I dare you all to listen to Ronan Keating – This is Your Song whilst reading the middle part of the chapter. Right after it turns into 20****th**** October. Put it on replay :P**

**I'd like to say thank you a billion times over to my wonderful beta, Juniper294! Once again she worked absolute **_**miracles**_** on this chapter, she even wrote some sentences herself. So she deserves credit!**

**Another thank you goes to everyone who reviewed, alerted and added the story to your favourites. Especially the two who have recently reviewed every single chapters – PIC (I love you!) and jaspersgirl. Although I wish you'd used an account! I really wanted to reply to all your comments. You got me to over 100 reviews! :D**

**Disclaimer****: Stephenie Meyer owns Jasper. I own Robbie. She didn't kill Jasper, but I killed Robbie. Stephenie Meyer is the better person in this situation.**

* * *

**Chapter 16 – The Long Goodbye**

**16****th**** October 2008**

**Alice POV**

Three days ago Jasper came to visit me, and it was three days ago that something within me changed. I had opened up, I had interacted with people. I had allowed someone to comfort me for something I hadn't even come to terms with yet.

I was not expecting the change within me, I had barely responded to him, yet I found myself dragging my tired body out of bed and going downstairs. I would never forget the shock on my parents face's when I walked into the room they were sitting in. They had gone completely silent and just stared at me. It reminded me of when you would walk past a group of girls and they would stop and stare because they had just been gossiping about you and were worried that you had caught them. It had been another one of those times.

I felt an angry buzz beneath my skin when I thought about them acting like that. They never used to do that to me before. It was yet another reminder that things had changed around me.

But I would have preferred to have seen the shock in my mother's eyes instead of the sudden hope that flared within them. I could see it on her face and even in the way that she shot glances at dad. She thought I was going to get better. She thought that because I was downstairs, that things would only improve from that moment onwards.

She was wrong.

I had barely talked to them as they offered me a range of food and drink, each time I would tell them that I wasn't hungry, that I wasn't thirsty. Even Cynthia was on edge around me. She barely spoke a word in front of me. Too scared to say something in case it affected me. I could see it on her face. She didn't even look me in the eye. My own sister, and she couldn't even look at me.

And yet Jasper, the one person I didn't really know out of everyone that had come to see me, was the only one to look me directly in the eye and not look away. He didn't even flinch when he saw the emptiness inside them. He didn't even give me a look at sympathy. He just _looked _at me, really looked at me.

And when I met his gaze with my own, my humanity, my dignity, my _life _sparked deep down in my body. And for a moment, as my eyes met his, I felt like nothing was wrong, and that eventually, things would work out. Even if it was all false, and the feelings would die the moment we broke contact, it would still mean something to me. Because in that moment, I would be okay.

And it was that eye contact that I found myself craving so badly. It was only when something happens that you realise how people act differently around you. The loss of eye contact was a key example to that fact. I only noticed how much I needed the eye contact after it had been taken away.

Because when they wouldn't look at me, it made me realise that they were acting differently. And that was the last thing I wanted. I wanted them to look at me normally, not treat me the way they did now, all except Jasper.

How he knew it was exactly what I needed when I didn't even know it myself I would never know. It was even as if he knew I needed someone to hold me while I cried.

But even though it had helped me for a short moment, it only made things worse. Because for him to allow me to cry and let it out meant that I was accepting it whereas before I was ignoring it.

And it was that same night that it first happened.

I wasn't really aware that I was dreaming. My sleeping pattern had changed so dramatically that I wasn't sure whether I was dreaming it, or whether it was just a very vivid thought.

But there was a certain feel, a certain smell to the corridor that I was in that told me that this wasn't actually happening, not really. I was back in the school corridors. And even though nothing indicated what day it was, I just _knew _it was the 6th of October.

The corridors were deserted and darker than normal, there were no lights now. I stumbled forward and made my way towards the front entrance. I knew what was out there, I knew what I would see. Yet I kept moving. I kept forcing my legs to move faster, always faster.

And that was when I heard it. The loud, unnatural noises of brakes being pressed and of tyres screeching along the ground. My steps faltered and I almost tripped over my own feet, but I managed to hold myself up by the wall as I stared wide eyed at the front door that was only metres away from me.

It was the same sound, there was no mistaking it. And just hearing it again made my eyes fill with heavy tears, and my heart beat erratically in my chest. So loudly in fact that it was all I could hear now.

I don't know how, but my legs started to move on their own accord. I wasn't even aware that I was speeding up with every step until I slammed into the door and forced it open.

My heart stopped at what I saw.

The world around me suspended, time and space came to a stop completely as I saw him standing there, looking at me. And only then did I see the car. Only then did I see it moving towards him, faster than anything else around me.

And it started again, the tyre screeching, but it was louder this time, more precise. And it rang in my ears, rattling through my body until I was literally shaking from the vibrations. I swatted the tears from my eyes as I opened my mouth to scream at him, to warn him, to tell him to move- _anything_. But no sound came out. I started to run, but it was as if I wasn't moving at all.

My heart beat soared as I started clawing at the air around me, knowing that no matter how hard I tried, I would never get to him. And then the car sped up, and suddenly I was there, only a metre away and I could see it happening. Over and over again.

And then the screaming began.

I wasn't conscious of the fact that I was back in my room until I opened my eyes and found myself in complete darkness. And yet I could still hear it, in the back of my mind like a tune stuck in my mind, replaying itself again and again.

I screamed again, longer this time and covered my ears. The same tears I had been crying in my dream, poured from my eyes relentlessly. Somewhere in the distance I heard the door slam open. Later, I would know that it was my mother running in. Later I would know that it was her arms around me, holding me. But right now, I wasn't in control. My nightmare controlled everything.

And once again I found myself drowning in the pain, sinking further and further into the abyss where all I could do was cry and cry until I didn't know anything more.

* * *

It was different. The way mom held me was different. She didn't hold me like Jasper would. She spoke to me, she tried to calm me down. She tried to understand what was going on. And so when she left me in the morning, I had only deteriorated during the night.

I hadn't slept again, even though my body craved sleep so furiously. I was terrified of what would find me when I gave in and closed my eyes. But even the fear couldn't prevent it from happening.

And so the next night, as I closed my eyes, the nightmare hit me once again. It was different this time, I was already outside. But the outcome was still the same. And mom still came running into my room. And she still didn't help, not even a little bit.

I wasn't aware when people came to see me in the next couple of days. I didn't respond. I was just... there. And even though I wasn't following a pattern, and even though I didn't know what day it was. I just knew it was coming. His... funeral was coming. I already knew that mom had sorted out clothes for me to wear, she had laid them out by my wardrobe. They were in plain view as a constant reminder once again of what was to come.

And they were there now, taunting me like a dark omen. I hugged my knees as close to my chest as what my stomach would allow. I made sure that the covers were pulled up around my face and then I closed my eyes. If I couldn't see it, then I could pretend that it wasn't there.

I wish it were that easy.

Because I didn't want to get ready. I didn't want to say goodbye. I didn't want to live in a world where he didn't exist.

But it wasn't that easy. And I had no choice.

* * *

**20****th**** October 2008**

"Come on, Alice," mom murmured as she peaked her head around the door. "You need to get ready now."

I didn't reply to her. What was she expecting me to say? _Okay mom, wait one second, I'll be down soon_. As if.

I heard more than saw her walk into the room. I tensed myself under the covers as she came to sit on the bed next to me.

"Come on, sweetie," she murmured, she sounded as if she was crying. "I know you don't want to do this, none of us do. But if you really don't want come today, then we'll stay behind. It's your choice."

She went silent then, but she didn't move away. She was giving me time to think about it. To _really _think about it. I knew that there was a part of me, a very selfish part of me, that wanted to stay behind and hide away. I didn't want to face it. But when I allowed myself to really think about it, I knew that I had to do this. And if I didn't, then I would regret it for the rest of my life.

I had to do this, and I _was _going to do this, even though what I had to do was almost impossible. Saying goodbye and accepting that I was going to live without him was like crossing the sea without a paddle.

I shuffled underneath my covers and sat up, mom moved out of the way so that I could get out. I could feel her gaze on me, but I couldn't meet that gaze, I didn't want to see the look that I knew would be in her eyes.

I barely even looked at what I was putting on when as I changed in the bathroom. My movements were stiff, the joints on my arms and legs were aching softly. I'd been in bed for too long. I just wished that I was getting out of bed for something else and not because of what I had to do today.

I didn't look at myself in the mirror, even the quick glances I caught in of my reflection knocked the breath out of me. I looked like a ghost. I wasn't myself anymore. They may as well be burying Alice Brandon today too, because that girl was never coming back. I pulled a brush through my tangled hair and tried to smooth out the frizz. There had been a time when I'd have spent over an hour making sure my hair was perfect for Robbie. And today wasn't going to be any different. I clipped my hair back away from my face and brushed through it once again before deciding that it was enough.

I stepped out of the bathroom looking more presentable than what I had done in the past two weeks. Mom was standing outside waiting for me, as I expected. She nodded slowly when she saw that I had changed. I didn't like the way she looked at me, nor did I like the way she took my arm as I made my way downstairs.

I didn't want her help. What was the point of her helping me now, so that later, when this was all over, she would go back to being completely useless. She might have thought she was helping by standing by my side. But she wasn't. She wasn't what I needed right now. But the thing was, I didn't know what it was that I wanted, not anymore.

It was as if I was constantly spinning on an axis. On one side, I wanted the contact, I wanted the company, more than anything. But then my axis would spin, and suddenly everything would change, and I would push away anyone who tried to get close to me.

But there was Jasper, the boy who seemed to be spinning on this axis with me. And he would adapt, always giving me what I needed. But he wasn't here now, I didn't have anyone to give me what I needed. All I had was my mother, who tried to adapt, but always seemed to be two steps behind, every time.

There was a man dressed in all black waiting for us when we got downstairs. I didn't recognise him, he must have been a driver. He said something to Mom, but I didn't hear the words that came out of his mouth. I wouldn't remember his face after today. I didn't want to remember any of this after today.

I barely even registered what mom said to me as she handed me my coat. I pulled it on without thinking and stepped towards the door. It must be time. That was all I understood.

The car waiting for us outside was sleek and too formal. I didn't look at the faces of the people in the car as I sat down, I just turned immediately and looked out the window. I felt someone's hand on my arm, I didn't bother to turn around and see who it belonged to.

The drive was short, we were only going around the corner, I didn't see the point of hiring a car. We must have been early, as when we got out of the car, we were directed towards a group of people waiting by the gates.

I slowed my pace as we neared them, I vaguely recognised them as his relatives. And when they stared at me, I just pretended that I didn't notice, that I didn't hear them talking to me.

I pulled away from mom's hold on my arm and started walking away from them, I could feel her gaze burning into my back, but I didn't look back at her. I just kept walking.

I cursed the familiar surroundings as I walked. Was there not anywhere that didn't hold some kind of memory? There was always something.

It had been Halloween, we were thirteen years old. And Emmett and his older brother, Henry, dared us all to go into the cemetery at night. Robbie and I had stuck together as had Rosalie and Bella and Emmett and Henry.

We hadn't known at the time that the brothers had been planning something, and so Robbie and I had snuck off around the side of the church and hid against one of the side walls.

We'd shared our first proper kiss against that very wall, it had been perfect and unique. Something to tell the grandkids Robbie had said. What grandkids?

We had been interrupted though, Henry had somehow acquired a tape recording of someone's blood curdling scream. God knows where he got it from, but he'd played the recording just around the corner from where we had been standing. It had scared us both half to death.

Robbie had claimed he wasn't scared, yet I could still remember the way his rapid heartbeat sounded when he'd held me close to his chest.

"Course you weren't," I whispered to myself as I leant back against the same wall. A small smile formed on my lips as I thought back to the way he'd pulled me against his chest in a protective stance.

"I thought I would find you here," Emmett murmured as he came to sit down next to me against the wall. I didn't answer him, instead I reached up and wiped away the tears that were rolling down my cheeks.

"You scared him," I whispered through the tears.

"I know," he replied in an equally as quiet voice, I could hear the tears in his voice. "I never did apologise for interrupting you both that night."

"He forgave you."

He laughed through the tears. "I know, but not after he kicked my ass. He'd been trying to build up enough courage to kiss you for so many weeks. And when he finally managed it, we went and interrupted him."

"You made that night perfect," I told him in a hoarse voice. I choked on the tears. "How are we going to... do this, Emmett? How do we... move on?"

I felt Emmett's arms wrap around my body and pull me towards him in a near bone crushing hug. I openly cried into his chest when I remembered the times that it had been _Robbie's_ arms around me, cradling me against his chest when I had been crying over such trivial things.

"I... I don't know," he breathed as he held onto my tighter.

But I could already feel myself breaking apart inside, I could already feel the desire to give up. Because there wasn't anything I wanted more than my Robbie, and my wish would never be granted. He had been my gravity, my Earth. And I had been his moon. He had been what held me down to this world.

I lived to be with him, to follow him wherever he went. But now that he was gone, my reason to exist was gone too. My Earth had been destroyed, blown apart into a million unfixable atoms. And now I was lost and alone. Without him, I was nothing.

I was just another moon, insignificant and small that was lost in orbit, devoid of its Earth. I was stuck orbiting the memory of what used to be, with no way out of the agonizing cycle of trying to live through hour after hour, day after day.

"Come on," Emmett murmured as he shifted beside me. "People are going to wondering where we are."

I nodded because I knew what he was saying was true. I just didn't want to face it yet. I'd rather stay sitting by this wall and thinking of the memories that always made me smile. Because right now thinking of those memories were easier than saying goodbye. Living in the past was easier than living in the present, and much simpler than considering the future.

When we walked back around to the main entrance, I was surprised to find that no one there. Had they already gone in? Had it already started? Was... he... already in there?

I gripped Emmett's arm a little too tightly as he led me through the large front doors. The room was packed, as expected. There was too much black in the room, the colour of death. But I didn't look at the faces of the people who were here, instead I scanned the front of the church looking for _him_. He wasn't there, not yet. I wouldn't have been able to walk towards him if he had been there.

But then my eyes landed on the large photo frame. The breath whooshed out of my body and my eyes filled with tears as they absorbed every aspect of his beautiful face. Why did they have to choose such a happy picture? No, why did they have to have a picture in the first place? Were they trying to drive the knife into each of our hearts even further? It was bad enough that we had to say goodbye to someone we loved. But to have to do that while his picture was there, reminding us of a time when things were how they were supposed to be.

I could remember when that picture had been taken, I had been there. His mom, Jenny, had insisted on taking photos that day. And that photo had been one of them. There was only a hint of a smile on his lips yet his eyes sparkled with happiness... and life.

Emmett led me down the centre aisle as he ignored the picture that I couldn't take my eyes off. I sensed that people had turned to look at us, some stared longer than necessary. I ignored all their faces, and the expressions that were plastered upon them.

We stopped when we got to the second row in, I could feel Jenny Grayson's gaze on me. But I didn't turn to look at her, I couldn't meet her gaze without falling apart. I couldn't look at any of them, not Richard, his father, or George, his younger brother. They all resembled Robbie in some way, and I knew that if I looked at them now, then I would see Robbie in them.

Emmett squeezed my hand before letting it go and going to sit down between Rosalie and his older brother, Henry, who were sitting two seats down. I was on the outside, on the end, while Bella sat with Edward beside me, and Rosalie sat beside Emmett. It was alright for them, their partners were here. Mine just hadn't arrived yet.

I could hear Bella's loud sobs next to me, I tried to block them out and ignore them. But it was futile, they were all I could hear. And then, as my own tears started rolling down my cheeks, the opening notes to a slow song started to play.

My heart started beating painfully in my chest as I felt everyone stand up around me. I tried to move, but I couldn't make myself move even an inch.

_Live your life to the full, with a lifetime of smiles._

I choked on the lump that formed in my throat as the lyrics flowed through me. Bella's tears starting falling heavier, her sobs grew louder and I knew, without having to look, that he was here.

'_cause this is your song, we wrote it for you._

My heart was beating erratically in my chest as I tried to control my breathing. But as the heartbreaking song continued, I could barely find enough oxygen to breathe.

_You were our friend, walked with you till the end._

I choked on my tears once again, these lyrics were destroying me. I pulled my legs up onto the chair and covered my ears with my hands.

"Please let it be over," I chanted over and over again. No one would have heard me. No one would answer my plea.

And then slowly, I started hearing something else, something worse than the lyrics. I heard footsteps.

_Step, step, pause. Step, step, pause. Step, step, pause. Step, step, pause. _

At each pause, the steps would get louder and louder until they seemed to be all I could hear.

_Step, step, pause._

I could sense them pausing next to me, and I knew, that if I looked up, then I would see his coffin. And then the lyrics to the song assaulted me once again.

_So we'll try and go on, loving all that we know. Through the hardest of times._

How could we go on now that he wasn't here?

I let my hands fall from my ears and I slowly raised my head.

_Step, step, pause._

And as they paused, I looked up at the coffin.

Everything suspended around me as my eyes landed on the pure white coffin. My gaze was transfixed on the elaborate designs in the wood grain along the smooth side of the casket; it seemed to flow in a never ending pattern. If I had paid attention other things, I would have seen the faces of his uncles as they carried him. But I didn't look at them, I didn't notice who they were, and so everything else excluding the coffin would be a blur in my memory after today.

I couldn't believe that they had chosen white. It was such a pure colour, and now it was being tainted by something as ugly as death. Did they think it would be beautiful? Nothing was beautiful about this day. Even the most elegant of coffins wouldn't have made this beautiful.

'_cause this is your song, I wrote it for you. It'll take all our lives, just help us get through._

I sobbed quietly to myself as they laid his coffin in front of the large picture frame. The minister stood up then, I saw him walk over from the corner of my eye. But I didn't turn to look at him.

_You were our friend, walked with you till the end._

"Robbie," I gasped as I clutched at my heart. But nobody heard my cry as it was muffled by the sound of everyone sitting down. And finally, as everyone was settled in their seats, the song came to an end.

It was silent for a moment, and once again all I could hear was Bella's sobs, but I blocked them out once again as I stared between the picture frame and the coffin. I saw the minister walk out in front of everyone and in the back of my mind, I heard him speaking.

I didn't hear the words the minister was saying, as they were just a buzz, I blocked those out too. I didn't want to hear him talking about someone he didn't know. Nor did I hear the words that Jenny spoke as she stood up in front of everyone because hearing her speak about him would have been too hard to handle. She broke down in front of everyone and had to be carried away by Richard. I still didn't look at him.

But as they passed by the coffin they paused and rested their hands on the top. Their lips moved but the words were inaudible.

I stood up as soon as they moved away. I felt someone grip my arm, restraining me, but I pulled away easily and stumbled towards the coffin. I forgot that everyone was watching me as I came to stand next to the coffin.

"Robbie, my Robbie," I crooned. My voice was so quiet that no one would be able to hear my words. They would barely even see my lips moving. I ran my fingers over the gold name plaque. It felt so cold beneath my fingertips.

My body shook momentarily as I took in a shuddery breath. The tears on my face were thick and made my skin sting, but I didn't brush them away. They'd only be replaced within seconds.

I felt someone place their hand on my shoulder. I turned back to see Emmett standing next to me. He didn't say anything, because he knew he didn't have to.

I watched as he placed his hand on top of the coffin, saying a few silent words before turning away and leading us back towards our seats. Once we were seated the minister started to speak once again. I heard what he was saying this time, I understood his words.

"Mr and Mrs Grayson are welcoming any close friends and family to go back to their home after the funeral," he said as he made eye contact with the Grayson's. I didn't look in their direction.

A soft melody starting playing then and it broke my heart a little bit more. I didn't recognise it but it wasn't going to be something I would forget easily after today was over. I shuddered at the thought. When today was over, or as I saw it, when Robbie was truly gone.

A number of men stood up then and walked towards the coffin. I looked at their faces this time and noticed the identical look of anguish that was spread across their faces.

My eyes landed on Richard Grayson as he stood up from his seat and walked over to the coffin. I couldn't seem to look away from him as he stood at the front of helped lift the coffin, even though it was almost painful to watch them do so.

The march was slow, just like before. People stood up and watched, just like before. And just like before, I couldn't move an inch. Not even to look back and watch his coffin leave the church.

I felt a slender hand on my clenched one and I looked up to see Rosalie's bleary eyes staring back at me. She wordlessly signalled for me to stand up, and with her hand wrapped around my own I stood up.

Rosalie let go of my hand as Emmett put his arm around her shoulder. I looked away from them, only to see Edward cradling Bella against his side as she cried. I suddenly felt colder and smaller than everyone else now that I stood alone. It was if my body was subconsciously making me realise that no one was coming to place their arm around me and that the one person who could do that, had already left without me.

I followed the small crowd outside, noticing how the numbers had diminished dramatically. I felt Emmett wrapping his arm around my shoulder, guiding Rosalie and I towards the graveside. I tensed slightly as he did so, for he wasn't the one I wanted to be comforted by. His actions made me feel colder, somehow. And even in the situation that we were in, it made me feel as if I was the third wheel, the person that people took pity on. I shuddered at the thought.

But as we reached the site, I shrugged out from under his arm and walked forward. The people standing in front of me parted and let me through to the front of the crowd. I noticed the faces of his family, but where was _he_?

I looked around only to find that there weren't any signs of then men who carried him in. What were they waiting for? But then, as I glanced around at the faces of those that were here, I realised that they weren't waiting anything.

"Ashes to ashes," the minister began in a solemn voice. That was when I looked down. That was when I saw him. He was already here, and I hadn't even realised.

"Dust to dust."

I wanted to let out the anguished cry that was growing within my chest. I wanted to scream at the minister to stop as he slowly allowed the dirt he had picked up out of a box to fall into the open grave. He passed it on to Richard who took a handful and let it fall through his fingers.

I winced as each grain hit the wood of the coffin. And as I looked down, my eyes filled with yet more tears as I saw the dirt scattered over the top of his coffin, tainting it yet again.

I almost refused to take it when the box was passed to me, but I knew that if I didn't them it would be deemed disrespectful, and I didn't want people to think of me in that way. . And so I did what everyone had had and took a handful of dirt into my cold hands.

I could feel everyone's eyes on me as I knelt down next to the grave and held my hand out.

"I'm sorry," I whispered in a broken voice as I opened my fingers and allowed the dirt to fall from my hands in a cascade. I must have been one of the last people to do it as when I stood up again, the minister started speaking with words I didn't quite catch.

I remained staring down at the coffin as people started moving away, until finally there was only a few of us left.

I felt arms around me again, trying to help me up from the graveside. I didn't fight against their helping hands, nor did I pull away once I was standing up again. I didn't get angry when Rosalie took my hand in hers, just like earlier, and led me away from the graveside.

The next couple of minutes were a blur. I saw nothing as I walked further and further away from him. All I could feel was the pull on my heart, the pull that was telling me to turn around and never leave his side. But as mom took the hand Rosalie had been holding, I had no choice but to follow her to our car.

I didn't pay attention to where were we driving. All I knew was that we were going back to the Grayson's house. I tried not to think about anything as the car pulled into the street and parked in front of the house.

But as I stepped out I realised that it wasn't going to happen like that. Everywhere I looked there was a memory. Everything I saw brought back memories.

The front gate that Robbie had jumped over the day I went to see him after he had come back from holiday. We'd been on the phone as I walked to his house and the moment I told him I was turning into his street he came running out, jumping over the gate in the process. He'd snatched me up in his arms the second I was in reach and hadn't let me go.

It had been nearly impossible for us to go two weeks without seeing each other. But there wasn't going to be anyone jumping over front gates now. He wasn't coming back this time.

I found myself staring at the front doorstep I'd tripped over when I was seven years old. I had scrapped the skin off both of my knees when I landed. Robbie had cleaned my cuts and put band-aids over them. I still had the faint scars on my knees to prove it.

But the wounds weren't physical now, they were emotional. Yet they hurt more then I could ever imagine, regardless of the fact that they weren't tangible. There wasn't anyone here to patch me up and make me better again.

I attempted to stop myself thinking of those memories, as all they seemed to do was make my wounded heart hurt just that little bit more. But as I did so, I saw the blotches of faded red paint on the doorframe that Robbie, Bella and I had painted as a surprise for his parents. We'd heard them complaining about the doorframe and how the paint was peeling, and so we decided to paint it for them. We weren't to know that they didn't want it to be painted bright red.

Richard had gone ballistic when he found out, and started washing it off straight away. But it didn't come off completely, it only faded over time. And just like every other memory I now had, it always related back to my current situation. I was that doorframe, and the grief that I was feeling right now was the red paint - unwanted and permanent. Sure, it would fade over time, but it would still be there.

I looked away only when I stepped into the house. It was as I remembered it, but different at the same time. As if something vital was missing now. The house didn't hold any life now. It was cold, detached and devoid of every happy emotion. Just as I was.

And as I stepped through the house and into a room full of people I didn't want to see, something became very apparent to me. Robbie was gone.

He was gone. He was gone.

He

Was

Gone.

* * *

**20****th**** October 2008**

**Rosalie POV**

I gripped Emmett's hand tightly as we walked in through the front door of the Grayson's house. There was only a small thread of control inside of me, stopping me from breaking down completely.

There were a lot of people in the house, but the silence that surrounded them was unnerving. Emmett's older brother, Henry, was on my other side. He'd been in the same car with us. He was at college when it happened. But when he found out about Robbie he flew back home in time for the funeral. In some respect, Henry had been a member of our gang. He was very close to each and every one of us, and I knew he was just as devastated.

We were directed into the main room by one of Robbie's aunties. I noticed more of his relatives in the room, but I looked away from them before I saw the sadness in their eyes.

Emmett directed me towards some chairs where Bella and Edward were sitting. But I didn't focus on them for very long. It was Alice that I looked at. She was perched on the end of the chair, staring aimlessly at the fireplace.

I sat down next to her immediately and reached out with a shaky hand to touch her shoulder. A wave of anxiety shot through me when she didn't react to my touch, not even to flinch.

"Alice?" I whispered, and even them my voice trembled from the emotions that were running through me, threatening to escape.

I watched as she slowly blinked, though it seemed more like she was closing her eyes than anything. She then turned to look me dead in the eye. I gasped quietly when I saw the emptiness within them that screamed at me, telling me how much she was hurting inside.

I looked away, unable to comprehend the strength of what I was seeing in her gaze. When I looked up again, her head was turned away, her eyes were focusing on something else. I didn't miss the tears that were slowly trickling down her cheeks, like a faucet that you couldn't turn off.

Someone shifted on my other side and I looked around to see Emmett sitting next to me. He didn't say anything as I took hold of his hand and squeezed it tightly.

Henry was sitting on Alice's other side. He looked beyond her and met my eye gaze, I could see the worry I was feeling about Alice mirrored in his expression. Even in the weeks before the funeral, I hadn't seen Alice like this. And it scared me to think that she was going to get much worse before she got better.

Jenny walked in then and started to make her way around the room. I watched her as she moved. I could see the grief in the way she walked. It slowed her gait, made her seem older than she was.

But she was holding it together. She was keeping strong whilst people were here. And then, once everyone had gone, I knew that she would let it take her over, as would everyone else.

She came to us last and asked if we wanted anything to eat or drink. She nodded slowly when we all declined her offer. I was certain that everyone else had said no, too. All except Alice. She had remained quiet and didn't respond.

Her gaze lingered on Alice a moment longer than everyone else as she looked away. I noticed her bottom lip trembling as she turned her back to us. I got the impression that she didn't want us to see her crying. It couldn't have been easy to be the gracious host when all she wanted to do was cry for the loss of her first son.

Tears sprang in my eyes as I watched her walk out of the room. Henry, who had been watching her too, got up and followed her out. I wasn't sure what he was going to do, but I knew that he would talk to Jenny. Emmett and Henry were very similar, and I always noticed that when we had to band together like this. The brothers were the ones to hold us all together, every time.

The room fell into silence once again, apart from the sobs and snivels that bubbled out of Bella every few seconds. I don't think she had stopped crying since we first got to the church.

Without thinking about what I was doing, I allowed my eyes to land on the row of photo frames that littered the mantelpiece. I knew what photo was in each frame, I'd seen them so many times before. And so it wasn't hard for me to picture them, to remember the happier times in which they had been taken.

The tears were streaming down my face before I realised that I hadn't been strong enough to hold them in like Jenny had. I let go of Emmett's hand and stood up, just needing to get out of there.

I turned and glanced at Alice, the tears in my eyes blurred my vision, but she hadn't moved, not even to wipe away her own tears.

The hallway was empty when I stepped out of the room. I moved towards the stairs and sat down heavily on one of the lower steps. I curled my arms around my body as I remembered a time, years ago, when Robbie and I had sat laughing in this very spot.

We were nine years old at the time. It was only three months after we first met Emmett and we were all having a sleepover. Emmett had told us about a game he played with his brothers, where you got in your sleeping bag, sat down on the top step and let someone push you down.

All of us tried it, and got the bruises to prove it. But it had been an experience I never really forgot. Everyone said we would do it again one day, when we were older. We never did get the chance.

Emmett appeared at the doorway a second later. When he saw me he came straight towards the stairs and sat down next to me. He didn't say anything as he pulled me closer and wrapped his arms around me.

The gesture was comforting, yet it made the hot tears fall faster. I heard him murmur my name in a shaky voice as he pulled me onto his lap. I curled my legs up to my chest and tangled my fingers in his shirt.

"Alice is scaring me," he whispered after a long moment of silence. I could hear the tears in his voice as he spoke. "She's not responding, I-" he stopped, choking on his tears "-I don't know what to do. I thought I knew what to do. I thought I could get through to her. But she acts as if I'm not there, as if none of us are."

I drew in a shuddery breath as he finished. He was wording my own fears over Alice's condition.

"What do we do if she-" I paused, and thought about the upsetting thing I wanted to say next "-doesn't come back?" I asked. The tears were making it hard for me to speak. Emmett's silence following my question made me choke on the tears as they came out. We couldn't bear to lose her too, not like this. But I knew, that if we couldn't find her and bring her back, then we would.

I didn't say it, but deep down, I knew the only person who was ever able to do that was Robbie. He was one of the few people, including Jackie, to really know Alice inside out. And the fact that he was gone made the fear of losing the Alice we knew ten times worse.

"We won't lose her," he breathed. But I could hear it in his tone, the fear. It was thick in his voice. I knew that he didn't know whether what he had said was true. I knew that he couldn't be certain whether or not Alice would come back after this.

The cries that tore through me at that realisation were nothing compared to what I was feeling inside. But I let them out regardless because there was nothing I could do to stop them. And so I sat, curled up in Emmett's lap, and cried.

I cried for the loss of one of my closest friends. I cried for the unresponsive shell that had now replaced Alice. And I cried for the fact that I was grateful it wasn't Emmett I was saying goodbye to.

* * *

**A/N****: It's unbelievable how many times I cried whilst writing this chapter. Especially during the memory scene between Alice and Emmett, that part really got to me. I just hope I got the emotions across properly.**

**Now you know where I got the title of the story from, and also, you now know that the prologue is one of her dreams. But when she dreams it is still unknown to you :P I hope you're not disappointed.**

**The song played at Robbie's funeral was 'This is Your Song' by Ronan Keating. You should check it out. The title of this chapter was taken from the song 'The Long Goodbye' which is also by Ronan Keating. You should check that song out too.**

**Right now, the way I see it is that Emmett is the one thing that holds everyone together. He's probably my favourite character in this whole story. Henry is his older brother, sorry if that confused you. He'll be more in the story later.**

**I've already written chapters 17 – 30 in full, as well as a large amount of the chapters after that, too. So **_**hopefully**_** the updating won't be as bad as it has been recently. And no, 30 isn't a typo. Chapter 16 really has taken **_**that **_**long to write. I've been busy writing everything else in the meantime.**

**So far there are 51 chapters written altogether! *happy dance* If you're wondering how long this story is going to be, I can tell you now that the total stands at around 75. But that can change, of course.**

**There is an awards website that my friend (Jacob's Lala) has recently set up. Anyone is free to nominate their favourite stories and you don't have to create an account to do so. There are links on my profile to the website as well. You should definitely check it out and nominate your favourite stories either here on fanfiction or on Twilighted.**

**http://totaleclipseoftheheartaward[dot]weebly[dot]com/index[dot]html**

**Pahah. The A/N's make this chapter go over 8000 words in MS Word!**


	18. Chapter 17

**A/N****: Chapter 17!**

**Hopefully I'll be getting back to a regular updating pattern. Or at least I'll try to. Chapters eighteen to twenty have both been beta read. I just have to make the amendments.**

**I'd like to thank everyone who reviewed the last chapter. The response I got kind of blew me away. You'll probably laugh at me, but seven reviews in one go for a single chapter is a lot to me.**

**A million thank yous would not be enough to show how grateful I am to have Juniper294 as my beta. I now understand why authors sing their beta's praises before every chapter they post.**

**Disclaimer****: I could tattoo a picture of Jasper's face to a part of my body. But just because he was on my body – I wish! It still wouldn't mean that he was mine.**

* * *

**Chapter 17 - What I've Become**

**23rd October 2008**

**Alice POV**

Turning over in bed, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. It was the first time I'd seen myself since the day of Robbie's funeral. I brought my hand up to brush a strand of hair out of my eye when I faltered. My hair, Robbie loved my hair.

I got up from my place on the bed and made my way over to my desk and rummaged through the drawers until I found the large pair of scissors I kept in there. I made my way back towards my mirror and sat in front of it, staring at the girl looking back at me.

Not thinking about what I was doing, I brought the scissors up to my hair and cut a length from just below my ear. The silky black hair fell to the ground around me again and again making it look like an unnatural pool of black around me.

"Alice? What are you doing?" mom cried from somewhere behind me. I didn't reply as I cut another length of hair. I felt her hand on my shoulder as she pulled me to face her. As I looked up at her, I watched as she gasped and clasped her hand over her mouth, tears falling from her wide, scared eyes.

I don't know what it was she saw in my eyes, but I knew she wasn't seeing Alice Brandon. She was seeing the shell that had replaced her daughter. For Alice Brandon no longer existed, her heart, soul and reason to live, died the day that Robbie Grayson left this Earth.

"Robbie liked my hair long." I didn't even sound like my old self anymore.

Mom took a step away from me still with her hand over her mouth. I didn't watch her leave the room and call for Bella and Emmett to come upstairs. I didn't even know they were here. I refused to look around when I heard them walk in; instead I cut the last strands of long hair that was left.

"Alice?" I heard Bella's voice call to my softly. I didn't turn around. "Come on Alice, it's me, Bella. Talk to me?" I turned then.

"Talk? _Talk_?" I cried in a strangled voice. My whole body seemed to be shaking as I stared at them, especially my hands. "What the fuck is talking going to do? Is it going to bring Robbie back? _Is_ _it_?"

My face felt hotter than usual as I watched her cry. Emmett was behind her, he was looking at the ground. He wouldn't meet my eye. Only one person did now, but he wasn't here.

"Please, Alice, I just want to help." Bella pleaded. I laughed heartlessly. It sounded strange, cold, dead.

"You want to help? Then go and don't come back," I spat at her. I could feel the anger slowly bubbling inside my chest. It was like a time bomb waiting to explode.

She inhaled sharply and her face crumpled. "You don't mean that."

"Get. Out," I seethed, taking a step towards her with my hand raised. Suddenly Emmett stepped in front of Bella as if he were protecting her. He raised his own hand out to me cautiously, as if he was expecting me to attack them.

"Alice, put the scissors down," he said, trying to keep his voice calm. I looked down at my hand, and dropped the scissors as if they were hot irons. I hadn't even realised the scissors were in my hand, yet I could see the grooves where I had gripped them too hard. I hadn't even registered the pain.

"Get out," I said again, weaker this time. I didn't look up at them. Neither of them said anything as Emmett ducked down and picked up the scissors before pulling Bella from the room. I brought my hand up to my cheek; it was strangely cold and wet. I hadn't even realised I was crying.

I looked back at the mirror, and a pale girl with a gaunt look and short uneven black hair looked back at me. The bags under her eyes framed her black eyes making her look like death. I looked back at her and realised what she was. She was what I had become.

* * *

Days passed, nights came along with their nightmares. The sun never rose, but I knew another day had begun. Neither Emmett nor Bella came to see me again after the incident with the scissors. Even my own mother seemed to be avoiding having time spent together.

The hair had been removed from the bedroom floor along with any other sharp or remotely lethal instruments. Maybe Emmett had warned my parents about allowing me to keep scissors or the like in my room. Perhaps he thought I was contemplating suicide.

I'd pulled my mirror from the wall and placed it into the hallway. I didn't want to see myself in the reflection. I didn't want to see what I looked like, what I had turned into.

I only ever left my room in the evenings, or late at night when everyone else was asleep. And when I left, I found that my mirror had been taken away from its post outside my room. I showered in the middle of the night, even though the water was always loud in such a silent house. But it was loud enough that no one heard me crying as I curled up on the shower floor.

The water was boiling hot, I hadn't even bothered to turn on the cold water tap. The room quickly filled with steam, it was chokingly thick. I watched as the torrent of water hit the floor, making loud noises echo through the room. Droplets of water sprayed against my leg, burning me.

I held my arm out, inching it slowly towards the water flow. I held it there, already feeling the hot water touching my skin. I bit down on my lip as I let my arm lay under the torrent of boiling water. The pain was almost unbearable as I bit down on my lip harder. I could taste blood in my mouth, but I didn't move my arm away. The pain that I felt on my arm almost overpowered the pain I was feeling inside… almost.

I reached up with a shaking hand and turned off the water, the skin on my arm was red raw and painful. But then the pain inside my chest returned, and I curled my legs up to my chest and cried. There was no escaping this pain. It would be with me forever.

I don't know how I managed to dress myself and make my way back to my bedroom. But I found myself curled up on my bed once again. My arm was aching softly, but I ignored it. I had inflicted the pain on myself and so I had to pay the price.

I shuffled across the bed and reached out with my hand to the bedside table. I knew there was some cream in there that could be used to help soothe burns. As soon as my hand landed on it, I pulled it out and unscrewed the lid. I scooped a small amount out on my finger and gentle rubbed it into my skin.

I closed my eyes as they began to fill with tears. Even the smallest of touches of my finger made the skin on my arm burn. I gave up after the first attempt, for the skin was too raw to touch. And I wasn't about to cause myself any more pain. I chuckled to myself harshly; I was really living to regret my stupid actions.

I placed the cream back in the drawer of my bedside table and curled up. I laid my arm out on top of the cover, not wanting it to rub against the material. As soon as I was settled, I closed my eyes, and waited for the nightmare to begin.

* * *

**25****th**** October 2008**

**Jasper POV**

There wasn't a word in the dictionary that described what I was feeling the moment. Emmett told me that Alice had flipped out and hacked off half her hair. I was completely speechless. And then he went on to tell me that he had been scared that Alice was going to attack Bella with the scissors. But he said the worst thing was that he couldn't look her in the eyes. He told me that he couldn't bear to see the pain and cold, dead look that was inside them.

And I could tell, just from looking at him, that he was ashamed by that fact. I wanted to comfort him. I wanted to tell him that it happens to a lot of people. That sometimes it's unavoidable, but I couldn't. Because what if he asked me whether or not I could look her in the eyes? How would I tell him that whenever I saw her there wasn't anywhere else I wanted to look?

And so I remained silent, and it ate away at me. So much was happening, so much was changing, and I didn't know. I would follow my daily routine, I would occupy my mind with useless topics of the day, forgetting that Alice was there, constantly going through it... alone.

So this was me going to do something about it.

I'd left Emily with the neighbours, they had a little daughter of their own and I knew Emily would be just fine there. I had contemplated bringing her along, like I did all the other times. But it was too much to ask of Jackie to look after Emily while I sat with her daughter.

I rapped on the door quickly. I took a step back and looked towards the window then waited for Jackie to peak through it to check who it was. I heard the door latch unlock and the door swung open slowly. She greeted me with the same old weak smile that I'd never be able to return to her.

"Hi Jasper," she murmured as she opened the door fully allowing me to step into the house.

"Hey Jackie." I shifted uncomfortably onto the other foot as we stood in the hallway in silence. I didn't know whether I had to ask to go see Alice. Did I have to ask how she was first? Did I have to wait till Jackie offered?

"No Emily with you today?"

I shook my head briefly in response. "No, she's round the neighbour's house today."

"Oh right," she said. I could tell she was only saying it to fill a portion of the long silence that came between us. She looked away from me, allowing her gaze to land on something on the floor, which she seemed to focus on for longer than necessary.

"Are you okay?" I asked, breaking the silence. "Excluding the obvious, of course." She generally didn't look good, and it wasn't just because of what had happened. I wondered to myself whether she'd been eating properly herself, she did look like she'd lost some weight since the first time I saw her.

"I'm not getting much sleep that's all," she replied. "Alice keeps screaming in the night."

I stared at her for a long moment. Alice had been waking up in the middle of the night screaming. How long had this been going on?

"The nightmares," I muttered, more to myself than anyone else.

"What?"

"Nightmares," I repeated. "She's having nightmares."

"I don't know what to do," she whispered, a single tear rolling down her cheek silently. "Every time I go in there I can't stop her from screaming. It's as if she doesn't even know I'm there."

More tears rolled down her cheeks, but she brushed them away before they could fall. "Sometimes I have to shake her. It's the only way to properly wake her up. But then she ignores me and just shuffles away from me as if I repulse her."

I could tell, just from listening to her talk about it now, that it broke her heart a little bit more each time Alice did that.

"She's not eating very much," she continued. "She's lost so much weight as it is. I'm scared, Jasper. What happens if she refuses to eat? Would be have to force feed her? Sedate her… I just… I can't… I… I..." There wasn't much to say after that.

She broke down then as tears poured from her eyes uncontrollably. I stepped forward then and did the only thing I knew how to do, I held her, rubbing my hand up and down her back soothingly. I don't know how long she continued to cry, but as soon as she was in complete control of her breathing again she pulled away and gave me a half hearted watery smile.

"I could try talking to her," I murmured, not really knowing whether my presence would make any difference. "I could try and get her to eat something."

Jackie already seemed eager by this and nodded quickly before hurrying into the kitchen to prepare something. It was only a small sandwich. I doubted whether Alice would even manage half of it. That is, of course, if I manage to get her to eat something in the first place.

She asked if I wanted something to eat but I declined, I wasn't feeling hungry, and there wasn't any point in her wasting time making two sandwiches. I took the plate from her and went back out onto the landing. She gave me an encouraging smile, then turned away and walked back into the other room. Obviously she was giving us some privacy.

I walked up the stairs, faster this time, though I still did not know what to expect when I turned the corner and opened the door to her room. The curtains were open this time, along with the window, it was actually rather cold. I wondered briefly who it was that had opened the window are far as it would go before my gaze was directed to her.

"Hi, Alice," I murmured as I stepped into the room further. She was facing me but her bed cover was pulled up around her face. I couldn't see her hair, or what was left of it. As I came to sit down on the edge of her bed, I placed the plate of food on the bedside table, all the while her eyes continued to watch me.

"You should eat something," I told her. My voice was a soft whisper. It wasn't a command, I wasn't telling her what to do. I just hoped she heard that in my voice. "Your mom is worried about you," I continued, knowing it was wrong to try and guilt trip her into eating. But I could already feel the worry simmering inside my chest. It wasn't going to help anyone if she carried on acting the way she did.

"Come on, Alice," I whispered, it was all I could do. I didn't know what else to say, I didn't know what to say to get her to eat. I reached out, my hand resting on her arm, which was under the covers.

But as I did she gasped in what I could only comprehend as pain. I frowned, unable to understand how I could have hurt her.

"Alice? What happened?" I asked as I watched her biting her lip, almost as if she was trying to withstand something painful. The worry reached boiling point as I watched her. What was she not telling me? What had happened to make her look like that? I saw her arm moving under the covers, the way her other arm moved to hover over it as if she was shielding it.

I didn't think as I reached for the bed cover and pulled it away, she shuffled away with wide eyes, startled by my behaviour. But I still saw what it was she was trying to hide from me. The skin on her arm was red raw and inflamed. My mouth fell open slightly as I realised it was a burn. No wonder she had reacted the way she had when I touched it.

"How did you get that?" I asked, my voice was strained, and wavered slightly as I continued to stare at her arm. I didn't need her answer, I knew what had happened. She had harmed herself, who knows what she used, but she had done it to herself.

When she stared at me, her eyes told me she wasn't about to answer me. And so I moved on. "Alice you need to get that checked out, I'm going to get your mom."

I got up from the bed. But for once, she was quicker than me. Her hand barely wrapped around my wrist, but it still stopped me. I turned back to her to find she was half sitting up, it was the first time I saw her hair. She had cut away at any long hair she could reach until all that was left was a jagged mess around her face. She stared at me intently as she tightened her grip around my wrist. For once, I saw a different emotion than just pain burning within her eyes. She was scared, or nervous, I wasn't sure which.

"Don't," she whispered urgently. Her eyes were desperate and wide, her brow was furrowed, making a small crease form between her eyebrows. She didn't want the attention. She didn't want anyone to know about her burn.

"But you need to put some cream on it or something," I replied. "You can't leave it like that, it won't heal properly."

"You do it," she continued. It was strange hearing her speak, she didn't sound like the Alice I used to know- if you could call our friendship back in September _knowing_ each other. For it felt like I knew more about this broken girl in front of me than what I did about the lively girl she used to be only one month ago.

"What?"

She let go of my wrist and opened the drawer to her bedside table. She retrieved a pot of cream from the drawer and held it out to me.

"You do it," she repeated. I stared at her in disbelief. She wanted _me_ to put the cream on her burn? But what if I hurt her? I... I couldn't...

"Please..." she begged and I knew, even though I didn't want to, that as soon as she begged me to do it, I would.

"Okay," I murmured reluctantly, then as an afterthought. "Just let me wash my hands."

I turned away from her and walked into the bathroom across from the room. I turned on the hot tap, but as I ran my hands under the water I had to pull them away again. The water was boiling. And it was then, as I looked at my now pink fingers, that I realised what Alice had done to herself, she'd put her arm under hot water.

What the hell had she been thinking? What made her do something like that? The whole of my body suddenly went cold as I thought about the possibility of her doing something far worse. Something that would guarantee pain, and serious damage. Something that could quite possibly put her in hospital again. I knew, without a doubt, that I had to talk to her about this.

I closed my eyes knowing that it was getting worse for her. She was left alone far too much. And even though I wasn't sure why I was thinking this way, I knew that I should have been there for her more. The guilt thrived within my chest at the thought, overpowering the anxiety I was already feeling.

I quickly washed my hands and made my way back into Alice's bedroom. She was sitting up in bed when I walked in, and her sleeve was pushed up ready for me to apply the cream. I sat down again on the edge of her bed and took the cream in my hands.

"I promise I will help you, but you have to eat something first," I told her. If she wanted me to help her, to _lie_ for her, then she would have to do something for me first.

She nodded slowly and reached for the plate, then placed it on her lap. As she took a bite of the sandwich she held out her burnt arm for me to begin. I unscrewed the lid of the pot and scooped some of the cream onto my finger. I didn't really know what I was doing. I didn't want to hurt her.

But as soon as my finger touched her skin, I felt her wince. I heard the intake of breath as I spread the cream lightly. Her fingers wrapped around the base of my arm, digging into the skin as I continued to apply the cream. I hated that it was hurting her.

I looked up at her, noticing how the sandwich in her hand had been placed back on the plate and her hand was clutching at the bed sheet. I met her eyes, and grimaced when I saw the tears in them. I watched as one single tear rolled down her cheek and dropped off the bottom.

After what seemed forever, I finally finished applying the cream. I replaced the lid and put the cream back into her bedside drawer.

"I'm sorry for hurting you," I murmured as I stared into her eyes once again. She was the first to look away as she picked up her sandwich and took a small bite. I knew that she wouldn't finish the whole thing, but as long as she was getting some food in her stomach, I knew that my work here wasn't a complete failure.

We sat in silence for a while longer as I watched her eating, always taking small bites. But she was eating, that was the main thing.

"Alice," I began. I swallowed over my dry throat, before continuing. "What made you do that?"

She didn't answer. Instead she placed the sandwich down on the plate yet again and pushed it away from her, as if she was suddenly feeling ill. I watched her in trepidation, waiting for her to reply. But she didn't.

"Please, Alice," I continued in a quiet, shaky voice. "I just want to understand why."

She bit her lip into her mouth as I finished. Her expression changed, the features on her face twitched ever so slightly as she stared at me. Her chin trembled as she brought in a shuddery breath. It looked as if she was fighting a silent battle inside her mind.

"Please," I repeated. I was begging now, I knew that.

She inhaled deeply and I saw her Adam's apple bobbing slightly as she swallowed.

"I… I wanted a d-different type of pain," she whispered as a single tear trickled down her cheek. She closed her eyes then, and her face crumpled in an agonized manner.

I was unable to move, let alone reply to her. She wanted a different type of _pain_? A series of different emotions flitted through my body as I thought it over.

I was angry, I wanted to shout at her, demanding why she could be so stupid as to try and replace one pain with another. Did she think that would _help_?

I was disappointed to know that she would go down to that level, and actually harm herself. And finally, I was sympathetic, because I understood. It's just, I never harmed myself.

"Oh, Alice," I murmured as I shuffled forward on the bed so that I was sitting next to her. I wrapped my arm around her shoulder and pulled her towards me. I felt her tense as I did so. She probably wasn't expecting me to do it.

But she relaxed a second later and leant her head into the crook of my shoulder. I didn't stop to think about what I was doing as I soothingly brushed my fingers through her short hair. The action seemed to make her cry more, and I realised quickly that Robbie would have held her in the same way.

My hand dropped down to her side, and I left it there, lying idly, as I wondered what I should do next. I heard her quiet sobs, and felt her breath against my neck as she breathed. But it was the way her fingers were tangled into my shirt so tightly that struck me.

She needed this, she needed me. And right now, she was clinging onto me, using me as an anchor to help pull her through. I held onto her tighter then, knowing that I'd do everything to my power to help her get passed this dismal stage of her life.

I don't know how long we sat there like that. Nor do I know how long it took her to stop crying, but finally, she did. It was when I happened to look down at my watch, that I realised I had to go pick up Emily. I knew I couldn't leave her with the neighbours for a long time, it wasn't fair on them.

"Alice, I have to go," I murmured reluctantly, the idea of leaving her up here alone didn't sit well with me. "I have to go pick up my little sister."

She nodded at me slowly then pulled away so that she was sitting up on her own. It was in that moment that I realised she reminded me of a child. She was so weak, so quiet.

"Thank you," she whispered. All I could do was nod at her as I got up from the bed and turned towards the door. I didn't know what to say. I looked back at her one last time just before I walked out of the room. She hadn't stopped watching me once.

As soon as I stepped out onto the staircase I looked towards the chair at the bottom of the stairs where I knew Jackie would be sitting, waiting for me to come downstairs.

"Did she eat the sandwich?" she asked immediately, her voice hopeful.

"She's still eating it now. Small bites, but she's eating," I told her. She exhaled slowly, and the creases on her face faded slightly. The relief was instantaneous. I stared at her, knowing that I should tell her about Alice's arm. She deserved to know.

Tell her.

But I... I...

I can't.

"I need to go, Jackie. I need to pick up Emily," I told her, sighing inwardly, knowing that I would never tell Jackie anything until Alice said I could. Damn it.

"Okay, thanks for coming over," she said, like she always did.

I nodded, smiled weakly, and then made my way towards the front door. I took one last look at the stairs, as if I was looking back at Alice for the final time before leaving.

And as I walked away, Alice's house slowly getting further and further away, I prayed to whatever god there was out there, to prevent Alice from doing such a crazy thing as harming herself again.

* * *

**A/N****: So what did you think to this chapter? Do you like the way Jasper and Alice are interacting with each other? I'd love to hear your thoughts on that.**

**Who is willing to get me more than eight reviews for this chapter? Or how about up to 120 reviews overall? I just need… 11 reviews to get there. Everyone who reviewed last time got a teaser for this chapter. If you review this one, I'll do the same thing :)**

**And finally, if you are interesting in reading various one shots and side chapters from this story, then put me on author alerts. As I will be posting a new story called 'Lost in Orbit: Side Orders' in the next couple of days. The first instalment will be the Halloween night that was mentioned in chapter 16 when the gang were thirteen years old.**


	19. Chapter 18

**A/N****: Chapter 18!**

**Near the end of the chapter, you will see that it skips from past to present a couple of times. Hopefully, it should flow together as if it was one sentence. Anything that is written from the past will be in italics.**

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed last time. ****Once again, Juniper294 deserves credit for like 1000 words in this chapter. She didn't write them, but if she'd hadn't have looked at this chapter, they wouldn't have been added.**

**Disclaimer****: Its hard thinking of new disclaimers when you've thought up about fifty as it is. If I was Stephenie Meyer, I wouldn't have to keep doing this.**

* * *

**Chapter 18 - Broken Promise**

**27****th**** October 2008**

**Alice POV**

Mom sat down on the bed, I could feel the mattress slanting towards her. I shuffled away. I didn't like how close we were. I hid my arm away from her sight. The last thing I needed was for her to see the redness and for her to start fussing over me. It was healing, very slowly, but it was healing thanks to what Jasper had done for me the other day.

I knew he hadn't told anybody. Even though deep down, I had expected him to tell Mom, but he hadn't. He had kept a secret for me and possibly he had lied for me as well.

"Are you going to eat something?" she asked in a quiet voice as I held out my hand for the sandwich plate I knew she had for me.

I didn't want it, but I still placed the plate on my lap when she handed it to me. I picked up one of the sandwiches and took a small bite. I was getting sick of them. I wanted to tell her to stop with the same old meals all the time. But that would mean I had to talk to her, and I didn't want to talk to her. I didn't want to talk to anyone.

Because if I did, it would give her that sense of hope that maybe I was getting better. And I wasn't getting better, I was getting worse. And I would always get worse, no matter what anyone thought. They weren't going through what I was going through, their pain was all different to mine. They couldn't assess my situation unless they were going through it too.

And regardless of what they said about time, I knew that it never heals anything. It just made you realise that you were spending more and more time apart from the one you lost. So the longer I spent away from Robbie, the worse I got. And therefore, that was why I couldn't give Mom that sense of hope that I was getting better.

She shifted next to me, jostling me. I thought or maybe just hoped that she was going to get up and leave me alone.

"Alice, baby, I know you're still grieving," she murmured, her voice was distant, as were her eyes. I stopped chewing the tiny piece of bread that was in my mouth and tightened my grip. I felt like spitting it out onto the plate, as I knew that if I swallowed it, I would be sick. _She _was making me feel sick by talking about my situation as if she understood. The sandwich in my hand was getting squashed where I held onto it too tightly.

"And I know that you think you are on your own with this," she continued. "But I want you to know that I'm here for you. I know what it's like to lose someone close to you."

I clenched my teeth together at her words. She knew what it felt like to lose someone? Did she? Did she really? Hearing her say that she knew what it felt like made the red hot anger boil inside my chest. Did she really think she knew what this felt like?

Did she see the person she was irrevocably in love with die in front of her very eyes? Did she have recurring nightmares that relived the same scene over and over again each night? Did she have to bury the person she was planning on spending the rest of her life with? No. I don't think she has. So no, she doesn't know what it feels like.

There was a part of me, the furious part, which wanted to laugh heartlessly at her words. But I could feel the irritation and fury buzzing feverishly beneath my skin, and I knew that if I let it out, then the outcome would not be pretty.

She sighed quietly, in what I could only assume was defeat when I didn't reply to her. Even if I wanted to say something, I knew that that would be impossible. Every word that formed in my mind was marred by anger, and tainted by the urge to shout at her, and make her understand how much I disagreed with what she had just said. She wouldn't want to hear what I would say when I let my emotions overrule.

Our relationship was already strained due to what had happened in the past couple of weeks. I rarely responded to her now, and because everything she did seemed to aggravate me, our mother - daughter relationship was grower further and further apart.

And if she pushed me to answer her, like I she has done before, then I would crack and I would snap at her. Similarly to how I had snapped at Bella and Emmett when they begged for me to talk to them. I wouldn't be able to hold any of it in. She'd see it all, even though she wouldn't deserve it. And then when that happened, our relationship would end up on its last tether, with only a small strand holding it together, a strand that could snap at any moment.

* * *

Each night I would wake up screaming and mom would run into my room completely terrified, expecting to find me in pain or worse. But then she realised it was _just a dream_, that's what she told my father after I had stopped screaming. _It's just a dream, Paul._ But it wasn't just a dream. It was like a painful, agonizing reality, replaying itself over and over again in my mind each night. She didn't know the pain I was in each night when I woke up screaming. She couldn't stop me screaming, she couldn't stop the nightmares. She was useless; she was ignorant; she was moving on, just as everyone else was.

She stopped coming to see if I was alright when November arrived. She gave up and accepted that my screaming couldn't be prevented. And so she ignored me, and never came to see my anymore. Not even my father seemed to hear my cries, not even my sister attempted to help me. Even though I was adamant that my screams were loud enough to have woken them up every night, they never came.

And so each night I would wake up screaming and alone. I would always be alone.

And it was that loneliness that terrified me half to death. It was the harsh truth that came with the solitude that really got to me. I was always going to be alone even if I was surrounded by a thousand people I would still be alone. There wasn't anyone else who understood what I was going through.

I was always going to be alone.

Always alone.

Alone.

* * *

Jasper came to see me sometimes, usually it was after school or on Saturdays. I rarely responded to him, sometimes I didn't even let him know that I knew he was there. I would just lie there, facing the wall with my eyes closed, pretending to be asleep.

Sometimes I wondered if he knew that I was pretending. Because he still sat there, talking aimlessly about the school day, or what people had been getting up to, or how his lessons were going. He even talked about homework that he had received. Anything. Never once did he ask for my input, and his questions, if he asked any, were rhetorical and he moved on quickly. He never left me time to reply, even if I actually wanted to give him an answer, instead of remaining silent. But I didn't _want_ to reply, and he knew that.

I never really understood how he knew what to say and when to say it. It was as if he was deliberately filling my head with useless information so that I would have something to think about. It didn't work, not even close, but strangely, it did help.

But one thing I did notice, was that he never mentioned his family, not once. He didn't even mention his little sister. It was as if they never existed when he was with me. I could remember back when only trivial things such as Jasper not talking about his family would have bothered me.

I didn't know whether it bothered me now, I couldn't remember what Jasper being brusque and evasive made me feel like. And I didn't want to look back and try to remember, because those memories were haunted, haunted by the memory of him. I could barely even think about his name anymore.

Every memory I had somehow involved him. There was always something that related to him in one way or another. And so as time passed, I stopped thinking, or at least I tried to. I closed my mind down and pushed away any memories that threatened to flash across my mind.

I was a shell.

But no matter how hard I tried not to think about his death, or consequently the situation I was in, the same thought always drifted into my mind.

His birthday was in just over a week. It would be the first birthday that we wouldn't have shared together. He was going to be eighteen, it was meant to be his special birthday. He had been looking forward to it for so long now, and now he would never celebrate it.

Seven days.

Six days.

Five days.

Four days.

Three days.

Two days.

One day.

There was nowhere to hide, not now.

* * *

**2****nd**** December 2008**

The sleet and snow tumbled down from the sky as I watched from my window, but my tears poured faster and heavier than anything I had ever experienced.

Mom woke me up in the morning and made us all sit around the table eating breakfast. I cried more into my cereal than what I ate it. Mom tried to keep conversations going, but how did she keep talking when there was someone who was falling apart with each tear that fell? With each second that passed into the day that I'd been dreading for weeks now, I just wanted to get out of here.

I bolted from my chair and took the stairs two at a time, not really knowing what I was doing. I could hear mom moving downstairs, she was probably following me. I grabbed a hooded sweater from the side and pulled on my tatty trainers. I lifted the hood over my short, messy hair and scurried from the room.

As I expected, mom was waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs, with an expression on her face that told me she was mulling over the idea of coming up to see me. When she saw me she looked relieved, but only for a second before her expression turned apprehensive. She was noticing my new attire.

"What are you doing, Alice, hunny?" she asked in a cautious voice, I could hear it in her voice, the fear. It was palpable. But I didn't answer her, I could never answer her. Instead I opened the door without thinking and stepped into the snow, feeling the coldness of the air around me whip against my face. But that didn't stop me, and I didn't bother to look around as I started walking.

I heard my mother calling after me telling me to come back inside because it was too cold. But the thing was, she didn't understand, nobody did. So I kept walking with no particular destination in mind. I just wanted to be away. Away from my mother who tried to pretend she didn't know what day it was. I wanted to get away from the memories. I wanted to get away from the pain that I felt, that never seemed to wane, not even while I was sleeping. I shuddered when I thought about the nightmares that invaded me every time I fell asleep.

My legs kept pushing forward even though the freezing sleet and snow were seeping through my body and was physically slowing me down. But I kept walking and walking until I got to the large iron gates that I'd only ever entered through a few times. It took me longer to push them open that I first thought. This was why I didn't bother to close the gate as I started walking inside. It was eerily silent, even the howling wind seemed to be quieter now, even the crunching of my shoes in the thick snow made barely any sound here.

My eyes travelled around each of the gravestones as I made my way through the graveyard. The bleak, overcast weather painted a gloomy picture of greys and black wherever I looked. Even the snow looked grey here, and the colours from the dying flowers didn't stand a chance, they too were dull, murky and screamed death and despair from every pore of their existence.

I didn't know where I was going, the pathway that I had taken was unfamiliar, I couldn't remember back to that day when I had last been here. I had barely been aware of the places people had taken me. I had blindly followed, allowing them to lead me. And so when I looked up, and saw the black headstone, the name stood out among the rest as if someone had come along and painted a large, blood red 'X' across the front, making it stand out above all the rest.

The headstone was simple. Black stone, silver writing and in a strange, twisted manner, people could have seen it as beautiful. But not me, I could barely look at it without feeling the raging sobs bubbling their way up my throat.

And for the first time, I read what was written.

_Here Lies Robert James Grayson_

_Son, Brother and Friend_

_December 2__nd__ 1990 – October 6__th__2008_

The sobs that I had been trying to hold back, escaped and flowed out of me in one long, anguished cry. I wrapped my arms around my body tightly, trying to hold myself together even though I could feel it falling apart.

The sound of my cries echoed around the empty graveyard. But even my cries didn't encapsulate the all consuming ache in my heart that was threatening to tear me apart, piece by piece.

And I knew, undoubtedly, that it would win. I would never be able to hold myself together, I just wasn't strong enough. But there was something I had to do first. There was something I came here to do and I would not let it win before I'd done so.

"Happy… birthday… to… you," I began. My voice trembled and my teeth clattered together as

_Robbie smiled and removed the wrapping paper from the birthday present. I'd actually wrapped it up myself this year. I'd only managed to get out one line of the happy birthday song, and he was already ripping the paper apart. And so, as he looked at the Buzz Lightyear figurine, I opened my mouth and sang_

"Happy… birthday… to… you," I sobbed. It was getting harder for me to speak as the cold took away my voice, but I still managed to continue, regardless of

_the laughter that erupted out of my chest as Rosalie, Emmett, Bella and I all continued to sing to Robbie. "You look like a monkey, and you smell like one too!" He pretended to frown, but started to laugh when we all shouted_

"Happy… birthday… to… Robbie." The lump that had formed in my throat practically choked me as I spoke his name, and my body trembled with something other than the cold

_disgusting drink that Emmett was passing around. "What _is_ this?" I demanded as I took another sip, and then pulled a face as the bitter taste travelled down my throat._

"_Its beer," he exclaimed, almost as if he was proud that he could drink the vile stuff. "I got it from Henry, for Robbie's birthday."_

"_Well, it's disgusting," Rosalie muttered as she passed the bottle to Robbie, who eagerly took it from her._

"_If you don't want it, I'll have it all to myself," he said with a wide smile. "It is my birthday after all."_

_Emmett stood up, slapped him on the back enthusiastically, and cried_

"Happy…

"…_birthday, Robbie," I said as soon as he came into view. I took hold of his hand, leading him through the house towards the back door. His family had arranged a surprise birthday party for him, and had invited all his close friends along as well. I was practically buzzing with excitement by the time I opened the door and was welcomed by everyone shouting, "Happy _

"Birthday…

_Robbie," I whispered. It had just turned 4.25 in the morning. It was the exact moment in time that Robbie had been born sixteen years ago. We were meant to be asleep, but we vowed to stay up together, and so we had to be quiet just so we didn't wake anyone._

"_I'm officially sixteen years old," he whispered back to me, as the corners of his mouth turned up._

"_I wish I was sixteen, I hate been fifteen now." Robbie chuckled quietly, making the bed we were laying on shake._

"_It's only a couple more months, Alice. Just be patient, and I'll be saying exactly the same thing_

"To…

_you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to Robbie, happy birthday to you." I was doubled over in laughter as he finished singing happy birthday to himself._

"_Robbie, why are you singing to yourself in third person?" I said as I gasped for breath. He grinned and pulled me towards him, enveloping me in my arms._

"_Because, Alice," he began, as he peppered the corner of my mouth with tiny kisses. "You sing to me every year, without fail. And I thought I'd beat you to it this year."_

_I pouted at him, making him laugh even more. "I guess I can let you off now, as seventeen isn't exactly a special birthday. But I'm going to be singing to you when you turn eighteen next year. Because eighteen is a very special birthday, so don't even try to take that privilege away from me, okay?"_

_He grinned and gave me a lingering kiss on the lips. "I promise you, Alice, you can sing to me next year when I turn eighteen."_

_I tightened my hold around his neck as he leant forward and whispered, "I love_

"You."

It took me by surprise when a stronger wave of grief hit me. I never realised that the emptiness could hurt this much. Every muscle in my body ached, places that I didn't even know existed were excruciating. Maybe it was the cold, maybe it was the grief. I couldn't work out which it was. I just wanted a release. I just wanted to get away from it.

The snow cushioned my fall as I sunk to my knees. I felt the raw coldness seep through my drenched trousers. My eyes closed slowly. It was futile of me to try and keep them open. I was tired, and I wanted the one thing I knew I couldn't have.

My hands were buried in the freezing cold ice and snow as I fell forward. My arms were not strong enough to hold my weight up. They were numb from the cold. I could barely feel them now, I could barely feel anything. They gave way beneath me as I fell flat against the ground.

I slowly opened my eyes and looked up, my gaze landed on his name that was etched in a flowing script that looked too beautiful to be on an object that represented something as ugly as death.

_Be happy. _The two words were loud now, as if he was standing right next to me, and it wasn't just a memory of the vision I'd had the day he'd left me. He'd told me to be happy.

"But how can I be happy without you?" I wasn't even sure if I had said it aloud, the chances of my body finding enough strength to say the words were slim. They were just words that formed in my mind, words that held too much truth.

I used the rest of my strength to lift my arm and rested my shaking hand on the edge of the cold stone.

"You promised you'd always be with me," I whispered into the nothingness that surrounded me now. Once again, I didn't know whether the words had been spoken aloud.

He had broken his promise to me. He had said he would always be with me, no matter what. He said he'd never leave me. I'd told him I couldn't live without him in my life, and I couldn't.

I closed my eyes once again and succumbed to the coldness. The cold made everything feel numb, even the hollowness inside my chest. I didn't fight it any longer as I allowed it to submerge me into its pain free darkness. There was nothing worth fighting for, not anymore.

Maybe someone would find me here. Maybe they would be in time to save me. Or maybe they wouldn't.

* * *

**A/N****: Hah! Is this the first cliffie of the story? I think it is! *evil laugh* There are more to come.**

**You know the deal, you review and I give out teasers to chapter 19. **

**Also, check out the Lost in Orbit: Side Orders. The first chapter is up. Please review that one, even if you don't review this. It has two reviews so far. Please make me a happy girl by leaving a comment! And if you would like to see a specific outtake, such as Edward's arrival in Forks – which vegetarianvamps asked for. Then let me know and I'll write it for you :)**


	20. Chapter 19

**A/N****: Chapter 19!**

**I know I said this would be out last Friday, but I failed to finish editing this chapter properly. It was something like 3100 words long and it is now well over 6000. I'm sure you can understand why editing took a little longer than usual. Anyway, you get to see what happens to Alice after she passed out.**

**A **_**massive **_**thank you goes to Homegrl aka Amanda and mybigteddybearemmett for reviewing every single chapter. They left me **_**nineteen **_**reviews each. I now have 161 reviews! I'm so happy!**

**That thank you also goes out to everyone else who has contributed to the 161 total. Finally, Mag, I really wanted to give you a teaser, but you were an anonymous reviewer, so I had no way of contacting you. :(**

**Juniper294, Juniper294, Juniper294. You all know that I love her. She is an amazing beta. Thank you so much! :)**

**Disclaimer****: If I was the creator of Twilight, then I would be looking forward to co-producing Breaking Dawn right now. But I'm not. I'm just looking forward to watching Eclipse. TEAM JASPER!**

* * *

**Chapter 19 - Save Her**

**2****nd**** December 2008**

**Jasper POV**

I sat by the window and watched as the snow fell down from the sky like a thick blanket of white, purifying everything that it landed on. All I could think about was the date. December second. December second. December second.

Edward had informed me last week that today was Robbie's birthday and I was stuck inside the house when I knew Alice was sitting at home with her family yet feeling more alone than ever. I wanted to pick up the phone and call her; I wanted to run over to her house through the freezing cold snow and just hold onto her, telling her that she wasn't alone. And yet I knew that I couldn't. Because I knew if she wanted me there, she had to be the one to say it; she had to be the one to call me.

I had given her my cell number a week ago, just so that she would have it in case she wanted to call me. I even gave it to Jackie so that she could contact me if she needed to as well. It was just a poor attempt at trying to keep involved with the situation.

And so here I was, staring out the window watching the snow fall down outside wondering whether Alice's tears were falling heavier than this. I knew for a fact that today would be hard for her. It would be the first birthday without him. That was always going to be hard. And it was going to be exactly the same for every other occasion, such as Christmas, Easter, her birthday, his anniversary.

All of a sudden, I was jolted from my thoughts, and as my cell phone rang loudly into the quiet room; I almost tripped over the chair as I rushed to get to the source of the noise. I frowned when I saw that it was an unknown number calling me.

"Hello?"

"Jasper?"

For a split second, I thought it was Alice's voice on the other end of the line. But before the relief of her calling me, today of all days, could wash over me, the sudden bout of anxiety made my stomach flip uneasily. For it was then, that I heard the tone in her voice that rang with age, experience and stress. Because it wasn't Alice, it was her mom, Jackie. And I could tell, just by listening to slightly tense intonation in her voice, that something was wrong.

"Jackie? What's happened?" I asked. My voice wavered in panic as I finished. I was terrified of the answer I would receive.

"Is Alice with you?" enquired anxiously.

"No, I haven't heard from her all day, what happened?" I demanded, already going to find my shoes and coat. My heartbeat was racing painfully in my chest as I moved around the house. The panic I was feeling earlier multiplied and shot through my body in angry bursts.

"One minute she was sitting there, the next she was out the door and I don't know where she's gone. I tried to follow her, but she was too quick." It was only then that I heard the tremor of fear through the phone. Alice had gone outside whilst it was snowing heavily. She could be anywhere.

I grabbed Emily's coat from the side, and found her in the other room, playing with some toys. I passed it to her and she put it on without a second thought.

"How long has she been gone?" I questioned as I sent Emily to go put on a pair of shoes, as soon as Jackie answered I would be ready to go.

"About fifteen minutes. I called you because you were the first person I thought she'd go to. But she's not there…" There wasn't anything else she could say. All I could think about was that Alice had been outside for fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes was a long time when you wanted to get away from someone, or something.

"I'm going to go look for her; I'll let you know if I find her." With that I cut the call and shoved the phone into my pocket. My hands were shaking as I signalled for Emily to come to me.

"Sweetie, come on you're going to play next door for a bit," I said as I took her hand and led her next door. I knocked on the door impatiently. The longer I stayed here, the further away Alice could get. My breathing came in short bursts as I tried to stop the fear and dread from overwhelming me completely. But finally, Mrs. Cooper answered the door.

"Would you be able to look after Emily for a bit?" I said, rushing over my words. Even my voice shook in trepidation. But I could hear the urgency in my voice, too, signifying just how desperate I was to go look for Alice. She nodded and I sent Emily inside without another word.

"I'll come back and pick her up later," I yelled as I was halfway down the drive way, she nodded again with a worried expression on her face. She knew something was up. But I didn't have the time to explain, even if I wanted to.

As soon as I was out of the drive way I started running. It was Robbie's birthday, and she would have undoubtedly spent his birthday with him every year, and this year was not going to be any different for her. And so I ran to the only place I saw her going – the cemetery.

I could already feel the coldness bleeding through my body, running through my veins and chilling my bones. I could feel the muscles in my leg tensing from the cold but I kept pushing them forward, I had to get to her.

As the cold seemed to leak into my mind I began to wonder what if she wasn't there, what if she was somewhere else and had collapsed from the cold? What if each step I took was taking me further away from her? What if I found her and I was too late to save her?

Finally I rounded the corner and I could see the large iron gates to the cemetery at the bottom of the road, I could already see that they were open. I pushed myself forward, ignoring the stinging as the snow flakes hit the bare skin of my cheeks. I could barely see as my eyes watered, either from the cold, or with tears, who knew.

I skidded to a stop as I reached the gates to the cemetery, only to squeeze through the gap so that I was inside. I ran forward, my eyes scanning the area desperately for signs of Alice, I hadn't been here for the funeral or any other time for that matter; I didn't know where Robbie's grave was.

The cemetery was massive. There were many rows of graves here. They all looked the same in the bleak weather. How was I going to find Robbie out of the thousands that were here?

I noticed that the left hand side of the cemetery looked so much older than the right hand side. I took a chance and ran down the nearest path that led into the right hand side of the cemetery.

I kept running down the same path, looking from left to right, trying to find any signs that Alice had been here. And that was when I saw her. My heart slammed against my chest painfully. My whole body suddenly got colder, if that was even possible. And it wasn't because of the weather.

"No!" I cried in a hoarse voice as I ran along the frozen ground towards where I saw her tiny body curled up on the floor. I skidded to a stop as I got to her and fell to my knees. She wasn't moving, at all.

Her face was drained of any colour as I reached out and pressed my fingers to the pulse on her neck, but I couldn't feel anything. My fingers were freezing. I could hardly feel them as I reached for her tiny wrist and tried again.

"Oh god, no," I wailed as I tried her other wrist. But it was so cold that I couldn't tell whether there was a pulse or not. If there was one, then it was very weak. I reached for my phone in my jacket pocket and dialled 911 before desperately putting the phone to my ear. The phone beeped once in my ear and then went silent. I pulled it away from my ear and cussed angrily as I saw that my phone had died, I almost smashed it on the floor.

I looked down at Alice's body and made a split second decision to pick her up. I knew they say it was better to not move people, but I wasn't leaving her there. I picked her up, placing one arm around her body, while the other supported her legs.

"Look what you've done," I whispered, not really knowing who it was I was talking to.

I stood up unevenly and almost tumbled as I started walking. My legs had cramped from kneeling down on the ground, and with Alice's weight it was so much harder to walk. But I kept moving, the slippery ground was making it even harder. But as soon as I was outside the iron gates I pushed my legs faster. I knew that the nearest houses would be by Russell Drive, which was just down the end of the road. If I could just get to them, then I would be able to get help.

But as I walked my legs started tiring and my arms started cramping where I held onto her. My whole body felt drained. I wanted to lie down and close my eyes and just give up. But all I could think of was that if I failed to get her to safety, then I would be failing Alice and everyone that cared for her, too. So I carried on, I pushed my tired muscles and kept on moving.

"Come on, stay with me, Alice," I half warned, half pleaded whilst trying to keep her face away from the falling snow. I was almost at the end of the road now. All I had to do was turn left onto Russell Drive and then try and call for assistance.

Finally I turned onto the street. "Help! I need help!"

My voice was hoarse and as I shouted again, my lungs stung painfully as I inhaled the cold air, trying to replenish my oxygen level so that I could call for help again. My throat was raw from shouting. And because my mouth was dry, I had no volume and whatever I said was lost in the wind and snow.

I stumbled towards the nearest house as quickly as I could. My legs gave way as I got to the door and I collapsed onto the front step. I didn't register the pain in my knee caps, I just thought of Alice in my arms.

I brought out one of my arms from underneath her and curled my fingers painfully into a fist and smacked it as hard as I could against the door. I repeated the action a couple more times until finally a middle aged woman answered the door. She gasped loudly when she saw us.

"Call 911," I all but screamed at her as I collapsed forward onto her carpet. I heard her shout something about getting towels, but I couldn't pick up the words. I found a towel being forced into my hands and I tried to feebly wrap it around Alice, but my movements were slow with fatigue and coldness, not to mention the uncontrollable shaking that travelled through my body.

Even my eyes were stinging as I looked at her. I brushed away the flakes of snow that hadn't melted yet, and tried to get the heat back into her body. Her face was pale, paler than I'd ever seen on anyone. Her lips had turning blue, making it look as if she had… but I couldn't even think about the word.

There was a pair of feet next to us, just standing there watching me. Why did they not help? Did they think I was coping on my own? I wanted to shout at them and demand why the fuck they weren't helping me. But I didn't have enough energy, and it seemed as if I couldn't drag my eyes away from Alice's face, anyway.

The paramedics seemed to arrive almost straight away. I stood back as they checked over Alice. They brought out a stretcher and carried her away. I stumbled forward and followed them out to the ambulance. The male passed me a large towel to wrap around myself before running round to the front.

The female paramedic told me to get in the back as she worked over Alice. I felt the jolt of the ambulance as it drove. I didn't even know whose house we had been in to thank them.

"What's her name?" she asked.

"Alice Brandon," I croaked. My throat was raw and hurt when I swallowed. "Call her parents," I managed to get out as a colossal shiver travelled down my body.

"Hurry up!" she commanded the driver in the front. I felt the jolt of the ambulance as he sped up. My mind was hazy, but I still registered her words. And I still felt the frisson of fear as I thought about what they could mean. _Hurry up._ Was Alice getting worse? Were they losing her? I tried to move so that I could see what was happening, but my eyelids were heavy. I was fighting a losing battle to keep my eyes open.

"Save her," I whispered as I rested my head against the side of the ambulance and closed my eyes. It was warm inside the ambulance, but with the wet clothes I just couldn't seem to keep warm, and I was suddenly feeling very drowsy.

With the beeping of the machine and the steady rhythm of the ambulance moving, I drifted away. I didn't open my eyes again.

* * *

There was steady beeping noise coming from my left, it was very fucking annoying. I had been sleeping and that must have been what had woken me. I tried to remember what happened, or how I ended up being in bed. My mind was clouded, as if I was trying to walk down a foggy road, looking for a house that I wasn't even sure was there.

I could remember the cold, and the snow. But was had I been outside in the snow? I pushed further into the fog, trying to remember something more than the damn weather. The weather meant nothing to me; it didn't explain why I was here.

I pushed harder, straining my mind for any piece of information that could be useful for me. And slowly, as I delved deeper into the hazy parts of my mind, small things came back to me.

My cell phone ringing; Jackie's voice tinged with worry and panic. I could see the snow again, but it was different this time, there was something lying in the snow, something important.

And then I remembered.

Alice.

I opened my eyes and half sat up before falling back down again. My head was in absolute agony, as was every other limb and joint on my body. It felt as if I'd just ran ten miles, stopped, and started lifting weights straight after.

My eyes quickly darted around the room. Where the hell was I? This wasn't my bedroom. I inhaled quickly, and this certainly didn't smell like home. It smelt like a… hospital. That last part of my memory that I couldn't retrieve came back to me, and I remembered being inside the warm ambulance, but not being able to keep my eyes open.

"Jasper, dear, don't move around too much." I looked to my right to see my mother sitting in the chair next to my bed, she smiled at me weakly. I was shocked to see her here with me. I hadn't told them my name, had I? How did they know who to contact? But I pushed that thought to the back of my mind. I had more important things to worry about.

"What happened? Where's Alice?" I demanded, trying to keep my voice strong. But I knew Mom wouldn't miss the panic in my voice, because I sure as hell didn't. I needed to know that she was alright. I wasn't going to sit in this hospital bed waiting for news to reach me.

"They aren't allowing anyone to go see her unless you're family," she said, I could see on her face that she'd tried to find out whether she was alright or not. But it still annoyed me that she was almost siding with the hospital staff. Surely she must have known how much I wanted to see Alice? But at the same moment a nurse walked in, she was tiny with chin length dark hair, she didn't look over twenty.

"Oh, you're awake," she said taking a look at the machine next to me; she smiled awkwardly at me before blushing and turning to look at her notes.

I watched her for a short moment, wondering if she was going to tell me anything. When she didn't, I decided to verbalise the questions that were in my mind.

"What happened?" I said, repeating the same question I had asked mom only moments ago. Mom hadn't really answered my question. Maybe this nurse would be able to fill me in a little better.

"Well, the paramedics brought you and your friend in," she began as she placed her clipboard down on my bed. "You were both unconscious at the time, and as far as I'm aware, your friend still hasn't woken up yet."

My heart was beating quite loudly to my ears, and I wondered if they could hear it too. She was _still_ unconscious? How long had I been out for? Was she _going _to wake up?

The nausea rolled around in my stomach, threatening to make me sick. "Will she be okay?" _Will she die? _That was how my voice sounded. It was if I were asking if she was going to die.

"I think she will be. It might have been a different case if you hadn't of found her when you did," she told me in a solemn voice. I kept my lips pursed even though they wanted to tremble with the fear that came with thinking about losing Alice.

I don't know if she was trying to make me feel better by saying that I was the reason she was okay, but she had said _think_. So regardless of what she said next, saying she _thought _Alice was going to be okay filled me with more anxiety than what was healthy.

I anxiously chewed on my bottom lip as I watched the nurse looking at my notes again. The seconds passed and I knew I wouldn't be able to last much longer if I just sat here.

"Can I go, please?" I asked quickly.

She looked over her notes for a minute more then smiled. "You just have to sign something, and then after you get changed you're free to go."

I looked down at myself for the first time since opening my eyes, I hadn't even realised that I had been changed into one of those hideous hospital gowns. I had a brief thought of whom it was that had to change me from the clothes I had been wearing earlier.

But before I could think about anything more, a form was produced for me to sign and some clothes Mom had brought were pushing towards me. They left me alone while I changed, my arms were aching slightly and my knees were sore, but I ignored the dull ache, I just wanted to find out Alice was alright.

Mom knocked on the door a minute later and I called out for her to come in. The nurse was no longer with her, obviously she no longer needed to be here, which meant I was allowed to go.

"Do you think I can go now?" I asked her as she came in.

She nodded. "The nurse said that once you were ready, then you were free to leave."

I sighed in relief and before checking that I hadn't let anything in the room, I followed Mom outside.

"I'll take you to the room Alice is in, you can check on her and then we'll leave, I have to" But I cut her off.

"I'm not going anywhere," I told her, as if it was perfectly obvious. "Not until Alice is awake."

She frowned. "Jas, you don't know how long it will take for her to wake up. We can't stay here waiting when we have to go to pick up Emily. It isn't fair on Mrs. Cooper to leave Emily there for so long."

"You don't have to stay," I replied, more curtly than I would have liked. "I can wait on my own."

"But, Jas-"

I cut her off again. "Just go and get Emily, Mom. I'll be fine waiting here on my own."

She pursed her lips and didn't say anything more. I could tell she really didn't like the idea of leaving me here alone, but right now I couldn't care less what she thought. She had to understand that I wouldn't leave until I knew that Alice was okay. Did she think I would be able to just walk away? It upset me a little to know that she thought I'd be able to do that, even after everything that had happened.

It was completely silent between us as we walked. I couldn't believe that we were this far apart, I was expecting mine and Alice's rooms to be close together. Until finally we rounded a corner and Mom stopped.

"Alice is in there," she said as she nodded towards a door just ahead of us. I think she said something more, but I didn't quite catch her words. All I could do was stand there and stare at the door. It was as if something was attracting me to it, drawing me in, and I wanted nothing more than to step forward and walk right in there.

Yet as I did so, Mom reached out and took hold of my arm. "You can't go in there, Jasper," she said, almost as a warning.

"Why not?" I snapped as I spun around to face her.

She gave me a hard look for a moment, obviously not liking the tone I was using with her.

"Because she is with her parents, and I doubt they will want you in there with them," she continued. "Just go wait in the relative's room just down the hall. As soon as there is any news then that is the first place they will go."

"I'd rather wait here, thanks," I said, looking towards the row of chairs by the wall.

"No, you're goin' to wait in the relative's room."

I gritted my teeth. "No, I'm going to wait here."

"Get into that relative's room, Jasper, now."

"No."

"Yes."

"_No!_"

Her eyes narrowed into slits. "Why are you being a pain in the ass, Jasper? You're either go into that relative's room or you're coming home with me. You chose. Either way, you're not stayin' here."

I wanted to snap at her, or demand why the hell she was being so insistent that I went and sat in the relative's room with people that I wouldn't know. Why did it matter where I was sitting?

However, I didn't argue any further and decided to do as I was told. She would only get more persistent, not to mention annoying.

"Fine," I said throw gritted teeth before storming off down the corridor towards the relative's room. Moving this quickly was making my legs ache a little bit more, and it was probably wiser if I just sat down soon.

"Don't stay here too late," she told me in a softer voice than earlier. "It's still real cold out there, Jas, and I don't want you walking home in the dark. Promise me you'll leave before it gets dark."

I sighed and turned back to her. "I promise I won't stay till late, Mom," I told her, knowing that it wasn't a promise I could keep. I wouldn't leave until I knew that Alice was awake, and if that meant staying here as it got darker outside, then so be it.

She stared at me for a long moment, as if trying to decide whether or not to believe me. She nodded slowly and signalled towards the door. She was obviously going to wait here until I went inside.

I exhaled noisily then turned from her and walked in. The silence from within the room hit me like a ton of bricks, and I wanted to turn around and get out of there. Even the way the occupants of the room stared at me, made me want to leave immediately, but I forced my legs forward and sat down in one of the vacant chairs near the door.

I didn't recognise the couple that were sitting at the other end of the room. I looked up at them once, but promptly looked away from then when I met their inquisitive stare. There was something about the male that struck me, but I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was.

My eyes landed on the two children sitting a few seats away from me, they didn't look a day over thirteen years old. Neither of them looked up at me, which gave me the chance to look at them more closely. It was only when I looked closer that I realised who they looked like.

The girl was petite with raven black hair and small features. Alice was right, her little sister really was her but five years younger. I turned my gaze to the boy next to her. He had dirty blond hair, much like his brother, Robbie.

I stared at them, momentarily fixated as I watched them holding each other's hands silently. They were there for each other. I stared at them for a little longer, just from seeing them together I could tell they were going to be like Robbie and Alice and… I shook my head slowly.

I grimaced slightly and turned away from them completely as I realised if Robbie's little brother was here, then his parents were too, and now I knew why something struck me about the male. Both his sons took after him in the looks department.

The silence in the room was making itself more and more apparent to me as the seconds passed. I wasn't sure whether they weren't talking because I was here, or whether they just hadn't been talking, but the longer the silence stretched, the more awkward it got.

How long were we going to waiting here? An hour? Two? How were we going to sit in this room and not say anything? I knew that I could have started conversation, but the thing was that I hated Robbie, and it seemed almost _wrong_ to talk to his family.

_No_, I just couldn't talk to them, but I knew I had to do something. I began tapping my fingers on the arm rest as I stared up at the clock on the wall, watching the second hand make its way around the clock face over and over again.

The room was so silent that I could even heard the ticking of the second hand, and mixed with the sound my fingers were making, it was slowly driving me insane.

I got up from my seat without thinking and pulled the door open with a little more force than I intended. I didn't bother looking back at the people in the room as I closed the door behind me.

As soon as I was outside I exhaled slowly. It felt as if I weight had been taken off my chest, and I was finally breathing clean air. I didn't really understand why I was feeling like that, but I was relieved to be out of there.

I thought back to the way Mom had insisted that I should sit in there as I made my way over towards the seats I had noticed earlier. If Mom knew I was came back out here to sit down she would be pissed, but no way was I going back in there again.

I wasn't sitting outside for very long before the doors to Alice's room, which I had been staring at nonstop, opened and a fair-haired male nurse stepped out with a clipboard in his hands.

I stood up immediately and made my way over to him. "How is she?"

"Are you family?" he asked.

I shook my head. "No, I'm her friend. I'm the one who found her."

"I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to give out patient information to people who are outside of the family," he said, even sounding unsure of his own words. I scowled briefly and went back to sit down.

The minutes ticked by and the door opened again and a man I assumed was Alice's father, walked out. When he saw me looking at him, his eyes flashed with recognition before he made his way over to me.

"You're Jasper, right?" he said. His voice was deep, but strained with the hint of stress intertwined into it.

I nodded stiffly and stood up, not liking the fact that I had to look up at him. He held his hand out to me and I took it, shaking firmly.

"Thank you so much for finding her," he told me sincerely. "I'll be forever indebted to you for what you did."

I didn't know how to reply to him, so I just nodded once again. I don't think my voice would have been strong enough to speak, anyway. My emotions were running rampant inside my chest, and I didn't know how I was keeping them all inside.

Mr. Brandon patted me on the shoulder, smiled weakly at me, then turned away and made his way towards the relative's room. He was obviously going to tell them the same news he'd told me.

I kept my eyes trained on the door and watched as he stepped out again a couple of minutes later with Alice's little sister by his side. I thought he was going to go back into the room Alice was in, but instead he turned in the opposite direction and they disappeared around the corner.

A little while later, the Grayson's and their son walked out of the relative's room and started walking in my direction. I tensed slightly as they walked passed me. I didn't look up at them, but I still didn't miss the curious glance Mrs. Grayson sent my way.

The nurse walked back into the room where Alice lay. I was very tempted to go follow him in there. It was another four minutes before he came back out. As soon as he did so, I jumped up and followed him.

"Has she woken up?" I asked, hoping he would be able to tell me now.

"Are you family?" he asked. I stared at him in disbelief. _Was this guy for real? _Maybe he was like a stuck record, deliberately trying to piss people off. I glanced down at his nametag and inwardly rolled my eyes when I saw that _Riley_ was in training.

"No," I growled through gritted teeth. It wasn't even an hour ago that we were doing the same thing. Had he really forgotten that we'd already had this conversation?

"I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to give out patient information to people who are outside of the family," he replied robotically before turning away again. I clenched my hands into fists and made myself turn away so that I didn't start shouting at him. I just told myself that he didn't tell me anything because there wasn't anything _to_ tell me.

Ten more minutes passed, and as I sat in the chair with my head in my hands, I heard the door opening again and someone walking the room, but I didn't look up, it would be the trainee.

A moment later, I felt someone walk directly passed me. I looked up just in time to see the Grayson's walking back towards the relative's room. None of them looked back at me, not even when they disappeared into the room.

At the same time the doors swung open and Riley stepped out again. I took a step towards him and tried again.

"Can I go in and see her?" I all but pleaded. I was desperate. I just needed to see her, hold her hand, or talk to her, _something_ instead of just sitting out here not doing anything.

"Are you family?" he asked.

"You know I'm not a member of her fucking family," I seethed under my breath so that only he would hear me.

He looked at me with a shocked expression on hid face. He was short, which meant I towered over him. I thought he was about to crack and let me in.

"I'm sorry, but I can't-" I held up my hand to him and clenched my teeth to stop myself from taking a swing at him.

"Don't say it," I warned him before turning on my heels and walking back to my seat by the wall.

"Fucking trainee," I muttered under my breath and I collapsed onto the chair, I was exhausted, I wanted to curl up and sleep for a day or ten. I leant forward, running my fingers through my hair before resting my head in my hands and closed my eyes, trying very hard not to think.

"Jasper?" The voice was the same as earlier, on the phone. But there wasn't the hint of tension now. There was just tiredness, stress and worry. But those emotions didn't make my stomach flip over now.

I shot upright and covered my eyes slightly from the light. I must have fallen asleep sitting like that. I stood up as soon as I saw Jackie. I was about to say something, when she walked forward and hugged me. She was so much shorter than what I was, yet it still felt like she was cradling me.

"Thank you, Jasper, for bringing my little girl back." She sobbed quietly against my chest, I held onto her with my eyes closed, I could feel tears forming.

"Is she okay?" I managed to say without completely breaking down. I felt her nod against me before she pulled away and looked at me.

"She woke up about five minutes ago," she informed me. I sighed in relief as I suddenly felt like the weight had been lifted from my shoulders. She was alright, I had saved her. The relief was so strong that it dulled the aches I was feeling in my body.

"Why don't you come in and see her?" she asked signalling back to the room where I knew Alice was laying. I shook my head slowly. Hell, I wanted to go in there; I wanted to sit there and hold her close to me, but I knew that if I went in there, then I wouldn't want to come out again.

"No, I should be getting back home, I just wanted to make sure she was alright first," I said trying to smile at her; it felt more like a grimace.

She nodded and hugged me again. "Thank you again, Jasper. I don't know how to repay you for saving her. I don't know what I would do without my Alice."

She pulled away then and I watched her walk down the corridor to the relative's room. As she disappeared into the room, her words revolved around and around in my head. _I don't know what I would have done without my Alice_, it dawned on me then, that I didn't know what I would do without her either.

Seeing her curled up on the floor in the snow had chilled me to the core. Waiting for her to wake up was some of the longest moments of my life. But the thought of losing her forever, terrified me beyond belief. Because it was seeing her like that, that made me realise just how dependant I had become on the tiny female who had been fighting for her life just moments ago.

For my own life depended on her recovery. I now knew that I couldn't live without Alice Brandon in my life.

* * *

**A/N****: So… *bites nails* what did you think to that? Do you think Jasper's realisation at the end came around too quickly? Remember, it has been two months since Robbie died at the time of this chapter.**

**Anyway, please review and let me know what you thought. I love receiving them. How about we get it up to 170 in total? You know I'll give a teaser to chapter 20 if you review.**


	21. Chapter 20

**A/N****: Chapter 20!**

**Thank you to my readers and Juniper294 for the help she gave me.**

**Disclaimer****: Once again, I am reminded that I do not own Jasper. However, I do own Jasper's French teacher, she was actually **_**my **_**French teacher in school. If only Jasper was in my French class... what am I saying? I wouldn't be writing this story if he was.**

* * *

**Chapter 20 - Sometimes, Things Just Slip Out**

**3rd December 2008**

**Jasper POV**

I watched as the trees rushed past my window as the school bus made its way through the streets towards Forks High School. Unlike yesterday, the weather was relatively calm. The ground was still covered in snow, but luckily there hadn't been any more during the night. Apparently it had been the worst sleet and snow storm in the state of Washington for over three years...and we'd been out in it.

I shook my head, trying to rid the image of Alice lying unconscious on the ground. It still made my stomach churn in fear just thinking about it. Even though she was safe now, I couldn't help but think she was long way from being fine. Without Robbie, it would be a long time before she could ever truthfully tell someone everything was okay.

The bus trundled into the entrance, and everyone began piling off. I hunched over once I was out and pushed my hands into my pockets to retain some heat. My knees were bruised, and the top half of my arms and legs were aching like a bitch. But it was a small price to pay, knowing this pain was from rescuing Alice.

I was halfway towards the school entrance when I heard someone calling my name. I turned in the direction of the voice to see Bella walking towards me, Edward being right beside her.

"Are you all right?" she asked as soon as she was in speaking distance. I wasn't sure how to interpret here interest in my well-being. She actually looked worried, but somehow I got the impression there was more to it than just wanting to know how I was. The fact we hardly talked was a huge factor.

"I'm feeling better." I shrugged, regretting it immediately as my muscles twinged. It was the most honest answer I could give her. Like Alice, I couldn't say that I was _fine_ because I just wasn't, and there was no point in pretending.

"What happened yesterday?" she went on to ask. "We got a call from Jackie saying you and Alice had been taken to hospital."

"But when we got to the hospital, you'd left already and Alice was asleep," Edward continued, finishing Bella's sentence. I tried to hide my grimace; yet another perfect couple stood before me. It was as if he knew exactly what she was going to say before she said it.

_Ah, so this is what she wanted to know_. It seemed this was the single reason they'd approached me. They obviously hadn't been told the full story and they were anxious to know more; I could see that in the way Bella kept biting her lip.

I took a deep breath, trying to fathom out how to word my explanation. "Jackie rang me yesterday asking if Alice was with me. Apparently Alice took off without telling anyone where she was going. I went looking for her, and finally found her-"

I broke off, feeling unsure whether I should continue. Did Alice want them to know she'd gone to the cemetery? She hadn't talked to them in such a long time, and if it were me, I probably wouldn't have told them, had I been in the same position.

"You _found _her?" I bristled at the evident shock in her voice. It was as if she hadn't expected me to be able to locate her. I had to remind myself not to make things worse by saying that, just because she wouldn't have known where to look, didn't mean I wouldn't, either.

"Where was she?" Edward asked. I focused on him, instead.

"She was at the cemetery," I finally told them. _Yes_, they definitely hadn't been expecting that. "When I got there she was unconscious. I carried her to the nearest house and called an ambulance. I don't know what happened afterwards; I passed out before we got to the hospital."

They were both dead silent, their expressions mirrored with shock and disbelief. It was Edward that responded first.

"You don't think she...you know, took something, do you?"

_What the fuck?_

The look on my face must have said it all because all of a sudden, Edward looked as though he wished hadn't said a word. Regardless of the fact we didn't know for sure, I was still disgusted that he could even fucking suggest such a thing. Thankfully, Bella responded for the both of us.

"How can you even say something like that, Edward?" She seemed angry, and for a split second, I admired her for standing up for Alice.

"Did you even go outside yesterday?" I demanded, looking straight at Edward. _Cool off, Jasper, don't lose it in front of them_. "She was outside for a good twenty minutes before I found her. No one would have lasted that long in the cold."

Neither of them responded. Bella was taken aback, while I was certain Edward couldn't speak over his shame of suggesting Alice had tried to overdose.

Seconds later, the school bell rang, saving them both from the awkward situation. I turned away without saying another word. The cold air had made my muscles ache even more, and I was positively pissed off by the time I arrived at my first class of the day – French.

I hated that class, even on a good day.

To make it seem as though I was ready to learn, I got out my books, lying them out on the desk. For the first part of the lesson, Madame Moogin gave us all a worksheet to go through. I answered the easy questions first, and then sat back, staring aimlessly at the floor. The room was relatively quiet, so I allowed my mind to wander across town to where I knew I'd find Alice.

What was she doing? How was she feeling? I couldn't even imagine right now.

"Jasper Whitlock, look at me when I'm talking to you."

I jolted from my daze, looking up to see everyone had turned around to look at me. I hadn't even heard her speak, and being that she was talking to me in English, it said she'd tried to gain my attention at least twice in French before giving up.

"You look very distracted, Jasper," she muttered in her disapproving teacher voice. "Your mind seems to be elsewhere today."

_Elsewhere? Really? Room fourteen in Forks General would be more precise_.

I began tapping my fingers on the desk as I watched the second hand make a full turn. As the minutes passed, it was getting harder and harder to not grab my bag and bolt for the door. Right now, the only thing holding me back was the fact the room was full of people, and I didn't have a clear path to the door. Had I been at the front of the room, I'd have ditched the bullshit class and gone to visit Alice.

But with my excuse, I still didn't get the feeling I'd last the whole hour.

"Can I be excused?" I asked the instant she stopped discussing something with the person in front of me. I winced at the dreary sound of my voice. _Was that really what I sounded like_?

She frowned as she turned to face me. "Au Français?"

I scowled, imagining where she could stick her _Au Français_.

"Just go, Jasper," she said exasperatedly.

The second her words registered I was up and out of my seat. It was only when I got outside did I realise I'd gone and forgotten my bag. I couldn't care less if she wanted me to attend a hundred detentions for ditching her class, I still wouldn't have thought twice about leaving. But it would've been too obvious had I gone back in to retrieve it, so I reluctantly started walking through the empty corridors, knowing at some point, I'd have to go back.

It was maybe half an hour into my school day, and I was already wishing I didn't have to deal with it. There was still four classes and two lunch breaks to contend with before I was allowed to see Alice. How the hell was I going to concentrate for that long?

In the end, I didn't return to French until I had only ten minutes left of class. Thankfully Madame Moogin didn't say a word when I finally slouched into my seat, deciding to merely tut and shake her head.

I was halfway to my next class when I realised I'd be sharing it with Edward. Admittedly, I felt a little bad for retorting the way I had, but I still hadn't completely forgiven him for his comment. It seemed he hadn't either, when I finally rounded towards the changing rooms to find him waiting outside.

"Jasper, I'm sorry about what I said this morning," he said the moment he saw me. "I don't know why I said it, of course Alice wouldn't do something like that."

I shrugged, not knowing what to say to him. I knew the right thing to do was apologise, but to apologise meant I had to concentrate, and I was still thinking about Alice.

"We're okay, right?" he asked.

His sincere expression took me by surprise, and I ended up agreeing without even thinking about it. The fact he was asking me if we were _okay_, was enough of an indication that he hadn't fallen out with very many people in the past.

We split up as we went to change into our kits, but he soon found me again as people started pairing up for badminton. It was doubles, which meant we were on the same side of the net. Thankfully Edward was pretty good, which meant I didn't have to move around as much. My arms, especially, were really beginning to protest about halfway through.

"You should have stayed at home today," Edward said after catching me rubbing at my right shoulder. I saw his gaze flicker to my legs, which reminded me of the purple coloured bruises that covered my knees.

I shook my head in response, the thought of being at home was even worse. "At least here I have something to do. There's nothing to keep my occupied at home, and knowing me, I'd have gone to the hospital and knocked out the trainee if he sent me away again."

Edward chuckled; maybe he thought I was joking. "Don't tell me, the short blond one?"

"You know him?"

"Yeah, he was the one who sent me and Bella away," he said, his expression darkening. "He wouldn't even tell Jackie we were there."

Coach Clapp blew his whistle, and our conversation came to an end.

* * *

As expected, Emmett told me to explain what happened the moment I stepped into Calculus. Rosalie, who had been talking to Bella, had caught snippets, but he wanted the full story. In the end, I explained in more detail than I had Bella and Edward that morning.

When I finished, it was obvious he felt bad for not being there for Alice. He'd spent the day with Rosalie, though I'd already worked that out being that neither of them had turned up to school.

"I should have gone to see her," he said a little while later as we made our way out. I didn't say anything at first; I think we both knew Alice wouldn't have wanted to see anyone, and had he turned up at her door, she'd have sent him away.

"Don't dwell on that shit," I finally told him. "There's no way you would have known."

Emmett's sceptical expression didn't go unnoticed; it was obvious he didn't believe a word I'd said, and was still going to find a way to feel guilty no matter which way he looked at it.

We met Rosalie and Bella on the way to the cafeteria. I held back while they talked. The fact I wasn't paying attention to them meant I was able to hear Alice's name as we passed a group of people from our year. I froze, and as the others did, too, it was clear they'd heard them, as well.

"I reckon she took an overdose." It was the blonde one..._Lauren_? "She's just attention seeking. No one gives a fuck about her anymore, so she tried to kill herself. Probably didn't take enough pills to finish the job."

Anger flared through me, spreading like wildfire as I zeroed in on the blonde skank who had been the one to speak. I took a step towards them just as Rosalie rounded on her.

"What the _fuck_, Lauren?" Rosalie demanded. Lauren whipped around, poorly masking the fact she hadn't known we were there. "You're calling her an _attention seeker_? Are you serious? Have you looked in the fucking mirror recently?"

Emmett took a cautionary step towards Rosalie as the two girls glared at each other. I bit my tongue to stop from saying anything and stepped back again. Had it been a guy making those comments, I wouldn't have thought twice about taking them down. But her...this blonde bitch was not my fight, and I had to swallow back my anger, forcing it to remain in check.

"You're still sticking up for her?" She actually had the audacity to fucking _laugh_. "Tell me, when was the last time you talked to her?"

_Is this bitch for real_?

Rosalie started to charge at Lauren, but Emmett grabbed her around the waist, pulling her back. Though he restrained her, it didn't stop Rosalie from shouting bloody murder at Lauren. From the look on Emmett's face, it could tell it was taking all he had to not let her go. Rosalie wanted to beat the shit out of her...and fuck, I was furious enough that I wanted her to.

Had it been me in his position, I wouldn't have stopped her in the first place.

"That's what I thought," Lauren scoffed, getting brave now that Rosalie was held back. The only problem was, she hadn't anticipated Bella.

None of us had.

Lauren didn't know what hit her – literally – until it was too late, and Bella had knocked her to the ground. A twisted grin flitted across my face as Bella's curses and name calling filled the air.

"Bella!"

It was Edward. I turned just in time to see him run over and pull his girlfriend away from a cowering Lauren. Bella was giving as good as she got, even when Edward had to restrain her attempts to kick the bitch.

"Bella, calm _down_," Edward growled into her ear. "Mr Greene will be here in a minute."

She stopped struggled and allowed Edward to lead her away. Rosalie stuck her finger up at them as one of the guys helped Lauren off the floor. She then shrugged away from Emmett and followed the others. I was the last to move, which meant I was the closest when I heard someone say, "Yeah, keep walking. She ain't even worth fighting for, is she?"

_Big fucking mistake, pal_. I whipped around, recognising the guy who'd spoken. I saw red as I threw my bag to the ground and charged at him, my whole body trembling with animosity. He didn't have time to get out of the way before I slammed into him, knocking him backwards.

"You want to say that again, asshole?" I snarled, grabbing his jacket and pulling him back before he could run away. I used my height to my advantage as I shoved him to the ground once again. This time, I let him scramble backwards like the cowardice son of a bitch that he was.

"That's what I thought," I said, sneering at him. I was about to kick him back to the floor when I felt a hand grab my arm. I tried to shrug away, thinking it was Emmett. I froze, when I realised who it really was.

_Fuck_.

I turned to see Mr Greene staring at me, his eyes ablaze with anger. It was only when I heard Tyler, or whatever the fuck his name was, run off behind me, did he let my arm go.

"I will _not_ tolerate fighting in this school," he hollered for the whole area to hear. "Leave this premises before I change my mind and suspend you!"

Gritting my teeth, I snatched up and bag and stalked off. Though the four of them were watching me walk away, I didn't glance at them once. I was even angrier as I made it to the front gates. After everything they had said about Alice, he had to arrive the second I retaliated.

_This is bullshit_.

I shoved my hands into my pockets and kicked at the soft bank of snow in front of me. This morning I'd wanted to leave early, but now that I'd gotten my wish, I was too fucking livid to even think straight. I was nearly to the centre of town when I'd finally calmed down enough to work out my next move.

After a glance at my watch, I saw I still had two hours before I had to pick Emily up from school. That gave me some free time on my hands, and there was only one thing I wanted to do. The walk to the hospital was long, and I was aching all over by the time I arrived.

Before going to look for her room, I worked on trying to rid the scowl from my face. The last thing I wanted was for Alice to see me looking as though I was ready to murder someone. She had enough shit to deal with, without having to contend with my pissed off mood as well.

Finally I found the ward Alice had been staying in. The receptionist at the main desk was on the phone, so she told me to sit down in the waiting area. From where I sat, I could see room fourteen...it would take all of ten seconds to get there, but without authority, I wasn't allowed down there.

However, a minute later I saw the trainee round the corner and head in that direction. Without thinking, I jumped up and followed him.

"Hey!" He turned as I shouted to him. "Do you know if Alice Brandon is still in room fourteen?"

For some reason, he looked as though he didn't have a clue who she was. "Are you-"

I exhaled roughly, my hand flying to my hair. "I suggest that you _don't _fuck with me right now. I'm _really_ not in the mood. Just check that little chart of yours and tell me if she's still here."

He fumbled with the clipboard in his hands for a second or two, and then was silent as he read the information in front of him. Gradually he looked up at me, his expression sheepish.

"She was discharged earlier this morning..."

I closed my eyes and lowered my head. After everything that had happened today, this was the icing on the fucking cake.

All I wanted to do was see Alice. Why was that so damn hard?

It seemed even colder when I stepped outside. My bag strap was digging into my shoulder, and my feet felt like ice cubes. To top it all off, I only had an hour before I needed to pick Emily up; from here, it would take at least half an hour to walk to Alice, which meant I'd have maybe a minute with her before I had to turn around and leave.

My bad mood had returned to full throttle as I slowly took the route towards Emily's school. I didn't even have the energy to pretend with her, which made things even worse. Usually I tried not to show her just how bad things got, but today, I got the feeling I wouldn't be able to hide it.

On the spur of the moment, I decided to take a detour to the grocery store. It was the first time I'd seen Mom in there since she'd told me she had a job. Knowing I had no money with me, I deliberately went straight for her checkout.

"What are you doing here?" she asked. For a split second, she actually looked pleased to see me. But one look at the clock made it fade. "Why are you not in school?"

"I got into a fight," I said, my voice bored. Like with Emily, I didn't have the energy to lie to Mom, either. Besides, she'd find out one way or another, especially if Mr Greene decided to write him. The principal used to do that a lot back in Texas.

At the thought of home, I swiftly focused on Mom once again.

"_What_?" She looked around to make sure her supervisor wasn't watching, then leaned closer. "What do you mean _you got into a fight_?"

"It's pretty self explanatory, don't you think?" I deadpanned.

She pursed her lips and shook her head. "I'm not happy about this, Jasper. Why were you fighting?"

I gave her a long stare, refusing to answer. I didn't want to talk about it with her. I didn't want to talk about it with anyone.

"Was it about Alice?"

Once again, I didn't answer. Though this time, I was certain my face told her everything she needed to know. To be honest, I was surprised she even thought of Alice.

"I guessed as much," she muttered, still disapproving. Was I that obvious to get into a fight for Alice? "Just promise me you won't do it again."

I grunted, not meeting her eye. I wasn't promising anything. "I'm going to go pick up Emily."

"Fine." She sighed when she realised she wasn't going to get an response out of me. "I'll see you back at home later."

Though meeting up with Mom had wasted some time, I still had a while to wait. In the end, I decided to perch on the wall outside the school. After a while, some of the parents started to arrive, many of which shooting me furtive looks to see me here so early.

At long last, the bell rang and the children started coming out. When Emily appeared, the smile on her face was enough to brighten even the darkest day. Even I found myself smiling as she quickly approached. Usually she had to wait in the playground until I was able to get here, and the fact she was smiling to see I was here early actually made me feel a little better.

"Come on, sweetie, let's get you home," I said, holding my hand out to her. All thoughts of that jerk at school and the stupid trainee left my mind as Emily prattled on about her school day. Thankfully, she didn't require much of a response from me, and I was able to say all of five words on the way home.

Finally our street came into view, and I started moving quicker. Absolutely everything was aching now; all I wanted to do was collapse onto the couch and close my eyes.

"Go and wash your hands," I told Emily once we were inside. "I'll make you something to eat."

She ran off upstairs as I kicked off my boots and hobbled into the kitchen. After stretching my aching muscles, I started to prepare everything I needed. I was just about to start when the doorbell rang. I sighed and went to answer it. Who the hell was it now?

But when the door swung open, all the aches and pains, all the anger and irritation, it seemed to fade into the background as I saw Alice standing on the doorstep. She didn't say a word as she walked forward and wrapped her arms tightly around my waist, burying her face into my chest.

I closed my eyes, relaxing against her. Alice was safe, she was in my arms, and right now, I didn't want to let her go. I just wanted her to stay right here.

"Jasper?" Emily's voice interrupted our moment. Alice jolted and pulled back, looking up at me with bleary, red eyes. I turned then to see Emily standing at the bottom of the stairs, watching us carefully.

"Go sit in the other room, sweetie. I'll bring you your sandwich in a minute, okay?" I said, shocked at how weak my voice sounded all of a sudden. Emily nodded and looked at Alice, as if she understood I needed some time alone with her.

"Would you like me to make you something?" I asked Alice as I shut the door and went back to the kitchen. As expected, she shook her head and perched on the chair as I quickly made one for Emily. I flicked the TV on when I gave it to her, and left Emily to it.

The moment I was alone with Alice, I didn't know what to say or do. I wanted to ask her why she was here, but I didn't want to sound as though I wasn't glad to see her. I also wanted to know what her parents thought of her leaving the house on her own again. But how the fuck could I ask her that?

There was _a lot_ I wanted to know, but I couldn't find the words, so I didn't even true. In the end, I settled on asking her if she wanted to go upstairs. She looked frozen to the bone, and it was a damn slight warmer up there than it was downstairs.

Emily merely nodded when I told her where we were going. Though I'd said she could come up whenever she wanted, I got the impression she wasn't going to. For a five year old, she was so damn astute.

When we made our way upstairs, I remembered a little too late that I didn't have a chair in my room. Yet when Alice walked in, she barely faltered as she made her way to the bed and brought her legs up against her chest. She looked so small sitting there, though her cautious eyes said something completely different as I sat down beside her.

"You weren't on the school bus," she said after a minute of silence. I realised it was the first time she'd spoken since getting here.

"No…I got sent home early,"I said, noting my mistake a second too late. Now that I'd admitted I was sent home, she'd want to know why.

"Why?"

_Shit_.

I remained silent as I sought to explain myself without making this any harder than it had to be. _Why the fuck did you have to tell her, Jasper_? I didn't even get the bus here, anyway, I was one of the first to get off because it stopped near Emily's school. But now I'd gone and put my foot in it, and there was no way I could lie to her, not about this.

_Fuck that_, I couldn't lie to her about anything anymore.

"There were some people at school, they were...saying some things," I began hesitantly, wondering how the hell I was going to say they were talking about her.

"About me," she said quietly. It wasn't even a question; it was as though she already knew.

I nodded. "Rosalie reacted first, but she was held back by Emmett. It was Bella that retaliated. She pushed the girl to the floor."

It was silent as I allowed Alice to fully digest the information. One look at her face told me she couldn't quite believe it.

"Bella _attacked_ her?" she finally said. I could hear it in her voice, she was as shocked as everyone else that Bella had done it. Between her and Rosalie, I'd never have expected Bella to be the one to get aggressive. Of course, had Emmett not held Rosalie back, Bella wouldn't have had anything to do.

"Edward pulled her away, but then one of the guys starting saying stuff." I faltered, thinking of the rage I'd spiralled into. "I kind of lost it and went for him. That's when Mr Greene turned up and told me to get the fuck out of his school."

"I'm sorry," she said, her voice small. If the situation wasn't so damn serious, I _might_ have laughed. She was apologising? Without thinking, I reached out and pulled her closer. I tensed as my mind caught up with my actions. When she hugged me back, I felt a rush of relief.

"Don't be sorry, Alice. I was the one who reacted to what they said," I replied. The last thing I wanted was for her to blame herself for this. There was enough of that shit going around as it was.

"What were they saying?"

I froze as her words sunk in. _How can I tell her they were accusing her of overdosing_? "Alice..." She stopped me before I could get another word out.

"Tell me," she demanded, a sudden strength behind her voice. I cussed under my breath. I really didn't want to be the one to tell her, but the resolute expression on her face told me she wasn't going to let this go until I told her. I'd already said I would lie...

I took a deep breath. "They were saying you took an overdose."

She stiffened at the word, making me hold onto her tighter. As I held her, I remembered how Edward had suggested the same thing. It seemed so long ago now, and after hearing Lauren say the same thing, I no longer felt irritated towards him. He'd said it because he cared for her and hoped it wasn't true. Lauren said it because she was a spiteful bitch.

"I wasn't trying to kill myself."

The sound of her quiet voice, and the fact she even had to reassure me was enough to tear at my heart. She had to know I didn't need her reassurances.

"I know," I said simply.

We sat in a comfortable silence for a while as I closed my eyes, committing what it felt like to have her in my arms to memory. Everything about her presence made me feel so...calm, and it had been such a long time since anyone had managed to do that. Being with her took away all the pain and anger. Even if only for a moment, she dulled the emotions racing through me.

"How did you know?" she whispered.

I remained silent for a little while longer, knowing exactly what she meant. She wanted to know how I knew where to find her.

"It was the only place I saw you going."

And that was the simple truth of it...I couldn't see her going anywhere else.

"Thank you."

I tightened my grip, revelling in her warmth. "I couldn't lose you, too."

My eyes shot open the instant I realised my error. Panic curled down my spine, sending icy bursts to every corner of my body. In the recesses of my mind, I acknowledged the fact she had stiffened in my arms. She knew what this meant...my heart was racing and I was certain she could hear every beat.

_She knew_...

She pulled back. "Too?"

I stared at her wide eyed and motionless. I hadn't meant to say it; I hadn't meant to admit something so momentous. I wasn't even sure where it came from; it just...slipped out. When I looked past the greyness of her eyes, I saw the deep set pain running through them.

Her eyes...they looked so familiar to me, so similar.

Swallowing heavily, I tried to compose myself. My stomach was turning, but strangely, I didn't have the urge to bolt. Had it been anyone else, I would have taken flight already, running from my own house. But this wasn't anyone, this was Alice...and maybe now I could finally tell her.

After months, I could finally take up her offer to talk.

Forcing back my apprehension, I brought my legs up to my chest and turned to look at her properly. For the first time in months, I let the mask fall away from my face, allowing her to see the true misery I hid away.

Taking a deep, shuddering breath, I waited for the anguish to set in.

"You remember I told you about that girl named Maria?"

* * *

**A/N****: **_**Another **_**cliffie? However, this is a good cliff hanger because it gets people thinking, and everyone will be able to guess what will happen next, anyway. So go ahead, guess away in your reviews. I'm sure you'll all be, "Oh my god! This happened [enter theory]."**

**If you review, I'll give you a teaser to chapter 21. You should know how this works by now. My aim is 185 reviews this time.**


	22. Chapter 21

**A/N****: Chapter 21!**

**I love everyone who has reviewed, alerted and added as a favourite. I'm so close to 200 reviews, and it seems like it has gone up by 100 reviews in barely any time at all.**

**This chapter hasn't actually been beta read yet, so it might not be as good as other chapters.**

**Don't hate me for the ending!**

**Disclaimer: Let's go f****or a bit of Stars in Their Eyes for this disclaimer.**

**Me: Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be Stephenie Meyer.**

**Matthew Kelly: *laughs then calls for security* Paula, you're not Stephenie Meyer, and you never will be.**

* * *

**Chapter 21 - How Did You Know?**

**2****nd**** December 2008**

**Alice POV**

_Beep._

_Beep._

_Beep._

I drifted in and out of consciousness, but that maddening beeping seemed to be there constantly in the background.

_Beep._

_Beep._

_Beep._

It seemed to be getting louder as the darkness that I had been in, seemed to bleed away, and things were beginning to become clearer, more precise. Other noises, a soft rustling, a sound of air being compressed over and over, but I could feel things as well… tubing.

There was something on my face, and there was something around my nose. That was the tubing that I could feel. There was also something on my finger, but I ignored that as I reached up without thinking, and pulled the irritating tube from my face.

"Alice, darling."

More rustling, a scraping of a chair against the floor, warm fingers against my own pulling them away from my face, and then the tubing was back. I clenched my teeth together as I felt the annoyance buzzing inside my chest. _Why was she putting the tubing back on my face?_

I opened my eyes slowly as they adjusted to the lights around me, it was too bright and it took me a minute before I could open them properly. I turned to my right and saw a familiar face looking at me cautiously.

"Mom?"I croaked, my throat was incredibly dry. I felt like I hadn't had a drink for a couple of days.

"How are you feeling, hunny? Is there something you need?"she questioned as she leant over me.

"Drink,"I rasped. She turned away then and grabbed something from the side. A second later she was putting a straw into my mouth. I hardly had enough energy to draw the water from the cup, but a few drops of water made it into my mouth and soothed my dry throat.

She pulled the cup away from me too soon and placed it on the table next to me, at least I would be able to reach it once I sat up.

"What happened?"I asked after I gave up trying to remember anything. The only part of my memory I could attain from earlier was going to Robbie's grave. But after that, everything else was shrouded in darkness.

She took a deep breath, as if she was preparing herself for something. "You were found at the cemetery. You were unconscious." She paused then and her bottom lip trembled as if she was holding back tears. "And you were close to getting pneumonia."

I looked down at my lap not able to meet her eye. She wasn't saying it, but I knew there was more to it than that. If I hadn't have been found, I would have died out there. _What was I doing?_ The first tendril of regret curled its way up my spine.

I could feel the anguish that seemed to emanate out of her like heat from an open flame. I could feel it now as it pushed against me, clawed at me, making me realise it was me who caused it, I was the one to do that to her. The regret grew stronger, more precise as the seconds passed.

"I'm sorry,"I mumbled, knowing full well it wasn't going to be enough to cover the misery I would have caused her and everyone around me if I had died. I also knew that she wouldn't accept the apology.

"Don't apologise, baby," she replied instantly. "Just thank god Jasper found you in time."

My head shot up and I looked at her. _Jasper?_

"Jasper?"

"Jasper was the one who found you, darling. He carried you all the way back to Russell Drive to get help. The paramedics said he passed out as soon as you were safe."

I stared at her in shock and disbelief. My heart beat a little faster in my chest as I thought about the idea of putting Jasper in danger too. It made me feel physically sick just thinking about how Jasper had found me and carried me all the way back to Russell drive. I knew from memory that it wasn't a short distance. And he had carried me in the perishing cold, too.

_But how did he know where to find me? _I wanted to ask that question so badly. But I held it in. I would have to ask Jasper when I was face to face with him.

"How is he?"I demanded in an anxious voice. Was he awake? Was he okay?

"When your father left earlier he said Jasper was waiting outside," she said whilst signalling to the door. "I can go check if he's still out there if you like?"

I nodded immediately, and she got up and went outside. I strained my ears to see if I could hear what they said, but all I could hear was that infuriating beeping next to me. I held my breath as the door opened, but my heart sank when mom stepped in alone.

"He said he had to go home," she told me. "The poor boy looked exhausted."

Hearing her say that he looked exhausted was as if she'd stabbed my in the chest. He was exhausted? Who was with him now? Was he alone? He wasn't walking home on his own, was he? And it was probably snowing outside, too. There were so many questions. But I didn't verbalise any of them, and I don't know why.

She settled herself in the seat after that, a few minutes later a blond haired nurse walked in and checked over some papers.

"Can you turn that machine off?"I said whilst pointing to the machine next to me that was _still _beeping at me. He stared at it for a long moment as if he was trying to work out what it was, and then he shook his head.

"I'm sorry, I'm not authorised to switch it off," he replied. "And it's on for a reason."

I glared at him. "But I'm fine."

He smiled a very irritating smile at me. "We'll let the doctor decide that."

I glared at him as he turned around and made his way outside. He didn't look much older than what I was. I would bet anything on the fact that he was a trainee. I leant back on the hard pillows and looked up at the ceiling, counting the tiles to make the time pass quicker.

Finally the door opened and Doctor Cullen stepped in. He smiled warmly at us both, and then checked over my notes briefly, before looking up at me.

"How are you feeling?" he asked in a professional voice.

"Alright, I guess. My arms and legs are aching a little, and I'm tired," I replied quickly, I really felt like going home and curling up in bed. _Back to the same routine, _I thought to myself bitterly. _No_. I wouldn't go back to the same routine. I wouldn't revert back to the shell I had been for almost two months now.

I gasped quietly at my realisation. Had it really been nearly two months? Had I really been a recluse for that long?

"When will she be allowed to go home?"mom asked, seemingly oblivious to my realisation.

"I will do some checks, but I think it's safe to say she'll be allowed home tomorrow morning."

I stared at him in disbelief. I would have to spend the night here? But what if I had another nightmare? I shuddered at the thought of people I didn't know, hearing me scream. What would the doctors think? Would they commit me? Or ship me off to some shrink?

"Can you at least turn this machine off?"I asked, breaking myself from my train of thought. I pointed to the machine as I spoke, and as if on cue, it beeped at me.

"I think I'll do some checks first before I decide anything," he replied, before turning to look at mom. "Will it be okay if you stepped out for a moment?"

Mom nodded and went outside. Thankfully, the trainee went with her. He then asked me to lean forward and breathe in through my mouth, whilst he listened to my breathing. I don't know what he was looking for but he nodded at what he heard. He then went on to ask me to breathe in through my nose as he listened to my breathing once again. He then checked my pulse and my temperature.

"I think everything is in order," he began as he wrote something down quickly. "There shouldn't be any need for the machine to stay on."

And finally he switched it off. "Thank you,"I sighed as I leant back on the pillow. He smiled at me warmly again before turning around and writing something more in my file.

"You should try and get some sleep,"he said and then he turned around, leaving me alone in the room. I shut my eyes and revelled in the silence, I don't know how I managed it what with the hard pillows but I drifted off. I didn't even hear Mom come back into the room minutes later.

* * *

Mom nipped home and brought me back a new pair of clothes. The other ones had apparently been cut away from me in the haste to get the wet clothes off me. I was given a few minutes to change, before mom came back in with the doctor who was here to discharge me.

I had gotten a little sleep during the night, but I was thankful that in the little amount I did have, it wasn't enough for a dream - or should I say nightmare - to generate. I didn't like thinking about what would have happened if I'd woken up screaming on a ward full of sleeping patients.

It was gone one in the afternoon when I was finally allowed to leave. Dad came to pick us up in the car. The drive home was quiet, and if I was honest, rather awkward. When we got back, I went straight up to my room as soon as I caught the glances that mom and dad were sharing.

I knew they wouldn't leave me alone though, and after only ten minutes of being in my room, mom came upstairs and knocked on the door.

"Hunny, I'm sure you must be hungry, I've got you a sandwich," she said as she attentively opened the door and stepped in. She placed the sandwich on the table next to my bed and after subtly checking me over quickly she went back downstairs. As soon as she was outside I reached out for the food and ate it in about three bites, I hadn't eaten anything since yesterday.

I lay back on my bed afterwards and curled up facing the wall, so that when mom would come back in, she wouldn't bother me. But somehow I managed to fall asleep.

The next time I opened my eyes the empty plate was gone, and mom had left me a glass of water. I gulped it down as my throat was still unbelievably dry. I looked over at the clock on the wall. It was gone 3.15, school would be out by now, and that meant Jasper would be home soon.

I got out of bed and pulled on some more comfortable trousers and a black hooded top then made my way downstairs. As I did, mom came out from the living room, when she saw what I was wearing she turned apprehensive.

"Are you going out?"she asked, but I could hear the underlay tone that said, _you're not going to do anything stupid, are you?_

"I'm going to see Jasper," I told her as I made my way to where my shoes were without breaking stride. I could still feel her standing behind me.

"Okay," she said uneasily. "Don't be too long, alright?"

I nodded quickly and made my way to the front door. I didn't bother looking back as I closed it behind me.

I walked as quickly as my feet could carry me, I couldn't really remember how I knew where Jasper lived, I just… _knew_. The snow was still thick on the ground, and I shuddered at the thought of being out in it yesterday. But I was more worried about bumping into someone. It was one of the first times in a couple of weeks that I had actually been out on my own. I only encountered two people carrying shopping bags, but I kept my hood up and my head down and they didn't seem to recognise me.

That was until I turned the corner to Jasper's street and saw the school bus at the end of the road letting kids off the bus. I froze to the spot as I watched at least five or six people step off. I looked up quickly and scanned each of their faces, but none of them were Jasper.

I pushed the hood down further trying to cover more of my face as I walked forward, just as the bus drove up the street towards me. The last thing I wanted was for someone to notice me, and to have people staring at me, I suddenly felt very paranoid as the bus passed me.

I closed my eyes and kept walking, not daring to look up at the bus until finally I heard it turn around the corner and go out of sight. I picked up my pace all the way until I got to Jasper's door and I pressed the doorbell urgently. I felt as if there were eyes on me still.

Finally, after what felt like a long time, the door swung open and Jasper was suddenly standing in front of me. Without saying a word, I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around his waist tightly, burying my face into his chest. I hadn't planned to do that, but as soon as I saw him, it was the only thing I saw myself doing. Hell if I knew what I should say.

I felt his arms wrap around my body and he held me close to him tightly. And strangely, I suddenly felt calm, and safe.

"Jasper?"

I broke away from him then as I heard a young girl call out his name. I looked up at him, and he met my eye briefly, before turning to face the girl. I remembered her face vaguely from when we'd met a few months ago, Emily her name was, she was Jasper's little sister.

Jasper sent her into the other room, and he led me into the kitchen where he began making a sandwich. When he asked me for one I shook my head, even though I was still a little hungry. I didn't want _another _sandwich. I'd been given enough to last me a lifetime in the past two months.

"Should we go upstairs or something?"he asked me once we were alone again. Once again, I just nodded and silently I followed him upstairs. I'd never been in his room before. He didn't even have a chair in there, so for some reason I went straight to his bed, and curled my knees to my chest.

"You weren't on the school bus," I said, trying to make it sound less like an accusation and more like a question.

He grimaced ever so slightly. "No… I got sent home early."

"Why?" I asked instantly.

He grimaced again as if he didn't want to answer. "There were some people at school, there were…saying some things."

And then I realised why it was he didn't want to say anything. "About me," I said in a flat voice.

He nodded. "Rosalie reacted first, but she was held back by Emmett. It was Bella that retaliated. She pushed the girl to the floor."

I stared at him momentarily shocked. _Bella _had dived at the girl? I'd known Bella all my life, and never once had I seen her angry, let alone wanting to hurt someone.

"Bella _attacked_ her?" I finally managed to say. I wanted to ask him who it was she attacked, but I knew it wouldn't do me any good to know.

"Edward pulled her away, but then one of the guys started saying stuff." His tone told me that he was editing something. "I kind of lost it and went for him."

Once again, I wanted to ask him who it was that made him react that way.

"That's when Mr. Greene turned up and told me to get the fuck out of his school," he said, his voice suddenly turning sour.

"I'm sorry," I said in a small voice. He then surprised me by reaching out and hugging me, my whole body went rigid, but it relaxed into him just as quickly.

"Don't be sorry, Alice. I was the one who reacted to what they said," he replied. I knew he was trying to make me feel better, but it wouldn't work. It was still my fault regardless of what he might say.

"What were they saying?" I asked after a long moment of silence. I felt him tense but it was so quick that I wasn't sure if imagined it.

"Alice…" he began but I stopped him before he could continue.

"Tell me," I demanded.

He took a deep breath. "They were saying you took an overdose."

I froze. An _overdose? _They thought I was trying to _kill_ myself? I could feel Jasper's hold tighten around me and I worked on trying to relax my body again.

"I wasn't trying to kill myself," I told him in a small voice, suddenly needing him to know the truth.

"I know," he said softly and I was relieved to know that he believed me.

It was silent then as he held onto me, it was strange feeling, knowing that I was in someone else's arms and yet I felt as if I didn't want to move. But there was one question that kept floating around and around in my mind, it had been there ever since I had found out what happened yesterday. How did he know where I was?

"How did you know?" I whispered, my voice was shockingly quiet and I was surprised he actually heard me. I really didn't want to have to repeat what I said.

"It was the only place I saw you going," he said gently, and I didn't question him any further.

"Thank you," I murmured, closing my eyes, if I wasn't careful I would easily fall asleep where I sat.

"I couldn't lose you, too," he said softly as if he was drifting off to sleep himself.

I inhaled sharply as I felt both our bodies go taut when I realised what had just said. He couldn't lose me _too? _But… does that mean he's… My heart started pounding painfully in my chest as I whispered one word, "Too?"

I pulled away from him so that I could see his face. He was frozen, staring at me with wide eyes.

He brought his legs up to his chest, almost mimicking the position I had been in when I had first got here. And then he turned to face me. All of a sudden his expression changed, and I had to hold back the gasp as I saw something on his face that looked so painfully familiar to me.

His eyes, and for once I saw the real pain he had hidden away.

He took a deep breath through his nose and then began. "You remember I told you about that girl named Maria?"

* * *

**A/N****: *evil laugh* It isn't being repetitive, so don't say that it is. You have to see things from Alice's POV before you can find out what Jasper's big old secret is. I'm so nervous about the next chapter, really I am.**

**If you review, I'll give you a teaser to chapter 22, and I think you'll want a teaser because I don't know how long it will take for me to update again. I promised LilMissRainbow that I wouldn't make the teaser too evil. *evil grin* I'll try my best.**

**My aim is to get my review total as close to 200 as possible. Please help me get there!**


	23. Chapter 22

**A/N****: Chapter 22!**

**I freely admit to the fact I bite my nails, and after I post this chapter, I swear I'll have none left (even though I'm trying to grow them!). This chapter is making me **_**so**_** god damn nervous! You finally find out what has happened to Jasper, and I have put a hell of a lot into this section of the story. So I hope you don't hate it once you know the truth.**

**Thank you to my beta, Juniper294. She tells me to change things that I don't even think about. Some of the things make me want to slap myself when I realise my mistake, but she's always right. She is amazing, enough said.**

**I got so many reviews for the last chapter! Bugger off if you're one of those people who gets hundreds of reviews per chapter, and laugh at me for saying sixteen is so many. My story isn't that popular, so sixteen is like seeing Jasper on a horse kind of squeal worthy. (OH MY HALE! WHO SAW THAT PICTURE OF HIM ON A HORSE?) So, yeah, thank you to everyone who reviewed! I love you all.**

**Michael Buble's song **_**Lost **_**fits into this chapter. The funny thing is, I had that song in my mind long before I'd even written this chapter. *swoon* Michael Buble!**

**Anyway, go ahead and read the chapter. *bites nails***

**Disclaimer****: I don't own Jasper, I don't own Alice and I don't own Maria. The only thing I own is the plot, and occasional original character that, for some reason, enjoy dying. Oh, the irony of that last comment.**

* * *

**Chapter 22 - Not Alone**

**3****rd**** December 2008**

**Jasper POV**

I could see in her eyes that she already knew what I was going to tell her. But how did I begin? It was all well and good saying that she already knew, but that didn't make what I had to say any easier.

Then as I looked at her, noting the encouraging look in her eyes,I knew I would start like any other story would, from the beginning.

"I first met Maria when I was about two months old," I began slowly, choosing my words precisely. "We were so small, that we shared a crib whenever our parents were spending the evening at one another's houses."

Alice didn't say a word as I pulled my legs closer to me, and tried to keep myself under control so that I could at least finish what I was saying.

"Our parents were good friends; you could say we lived on the same plot of land. Her house was at one end, and our house was at the other. We pretty much grew up together; we were best friends, practically brother and sister."

I whispered the last part, as chest tightened at the changes in our relationship. I'd barely started retelling the story, but it was already getting harder to talk.

The emotional wound inside my chest rippled.

"We did everything together," I continued after urging myself on. "We were in the same class at school, we went to the same swimming lessons, and learnt to ride a bike at the same time. You name it, we did it together."

I watched as a single tear fell from her eye and rolled slowly down her cheek. I knew this was sounding so familiar to her; it was exactly what she'd had with Robbie when they were younger.

After a beat, I took a deep breath and carried on. "There was a tree in the centre of the yard; it kind of separated our land out evenly. We play would on this tree a lot, it was _our _thing, you know? I taught her to hang upside down on the branch…she broke her arm trying."

I chuckled softly as I remembered the look on her parents' face when we'd told them what we had been doing. However, the chuckle sounded dead to my ears, it had no life to it at all.

"It didn't stop her, though," I whispered, closing my eyes for the briefest of seconds to see her marching outside with a look of determination on her face. "She snuck out the next day and tried again…she did it."

My heart sank as I reached the end of mine and Maria's history. I was sure Alice sensed it, too, as she reached out and took my hand in both of hers. It was as if she was saying _I'm here, you don't have to go through this alone_.

_I know, Alice, I know_.

"I can remember that day quite clearer." I paused, my voice barely there. "I was sitting downstairs finishing off my lunch when she walked in and said…"

"_I need to speak to you."_

_She sounded upset, and I was immediately on edge, having the urge to reach out and cradle her in my arms. She came forward, took my hand in hers, and led me outside towards our tree._

_I observed her as we walked; something was wrong, I could tell just from the look on her face. She was paler than normal, but as we got to the tree, I pushed that observation to the back of my mind._

"_Sit down," she directed in a quiet voice._

_That was when the first tendril of panic started to curl its way up my spine like poison ivy. "Maria, what's going on? You're scaring me."_

Pausing in my description, I closed my eyes and felt as the tears pooled rapidly and slid underneath the closed kids. Every beat of my heart seemed to hurt as

_A single tear fell from her eye and slowly rolled down her cheek. I watched as it dropped from her chin, falling into her lap. The wait was agonizing, but deep in the pit of my stomach, I knew whatever she wanted to say, it wasn't something I wanted to hear._

"_Jasper…I just came back from the hospital," she whispered, her eyes never leaving mine as she assessed my reaction. "I've got leukaemia."_

_The breath gushed out of me in one fell swoop as I opened my mouth to say something. No words came out, and I closed my mouth again, instead, trying to breathe in and out. But it gushed in through my lungs too quickly, and I began to hyperventilate as_

I was momentarily lost in the grief that overcame me. It was tearing at me to remember what it felt like the moment my life fell down around me. It was hearing Alice's sobs that somehow got me to open my eyes and look at her, but

_My vision started to blur, and I knew I was crying. A minute passed before I tried to clear my mind, straining it to remember something, _anything_, about Leukaemia. But all that came to mind was one word._

_Cancer…and cancer killed people. But people survived, people were cured of the disease. They had to be._

_She had to be._

_Had to._

_Had to._

_There was a more sane part of me that began to piece everything together, noticing all the small signs. Such that she was always tired recently, and at times, I could remember teasing her over it._

_I felt a pang of guilt and disgust at my realisation. Had she known back then, and still laughed with me, knowing the real reason behind her tiredness?_

_T__hen there were the constant headaches, the aches and pains that she told me were from her dancing. I could remember a couple of weeks ago when she had a nosebleed out of the blue, I couldn't even remember the excuse she'd given me for that._

"_You can get treatment. People can help you. There are medicines you can take to make you better you can be cured and-" I choked on my words. I was out of breath and utterly lost._

_I had no idea at all about treatments._

"_Jasper," she sobbed out. "I'm already getting treatment."_

_A heart wrenching sob escaped her lips as she closed her eyes. Tears still fell heavily down her cheeks, even as_

I choked on the fist that was forcing its way up my throat. I could remember her face as if it was yesterday.

"She said she used to go to dance lessons; it was the only thing we couldn't do together. It's only now do I realised that I never actually saw her dance."

My chin trembled as I let out an uneven breath. I gripped Alice's hand tighter, and willed myself to continue.

_My heart pounded painfully in my chest as I digested her words. She'd already started having treatment? How did I not know? Why hadn't anyone told me about it before?_

"_You're getting better, right?" I asked, pleading and hoping that she would say yes, that she was getting better. But I already knew…why would she be telling me now if she was?_

_Another sob wracked through her body as she slowly shook her head. "The doctors are saying that it isn't working, and they have to use stronger drugs and procedures. Jasper…I'm going to lose my hair."_

_At her admittance, I pulled her onto my lap and held onto her as if she was the only thing keeping me afloat._

"_Things can change, though, I know they can. It can get better," I told her, just begging her to tell me that it could. It was all I needed to hear, all I wanted to hear. "Just tell me it can get better."_

_Deep down, I already knew that she couldn't. She shook her against my chest once again. I closed my eyes trying to think of something to say, something to make a different. But…no words could make this better. There was nothing I could say._

"_The doctors said that it might be…too late," she whispered, her voice was very nearly inaudible._

_I shook my head quickly, angrily. "No! Don't say that. I don't want to hear you fucking saying that to me, Maria. It's not too late, it's not!"_

_She didn't say anything because it was too late, I just didn't want to admit it._

The hole her death caused pulsated, and finally, I gave up trying to hold myself together, allowing my heart to shatter once again. A part of me died that day, the vibrancy and life left my eyes. They never resurfaced, and right now, it felt as if they never would.

I felt Alice move closer to me and wrap her arm around me awkwardly; I could almost hear the sound as her tears hit the bed cover. I pulled her onto my lap without thinking, and wrapped my arms around her, holding onto her tightly, hoping she would stay with me.

"They say its better knowing from the start," I said, choking on the lump in my throat. "Now I know that's not true. It's not fucking true at all. I had to watch her lose her hair; I had to watch her lose confidence in herself, lose hope. I had to…I had to watch her die, without being able to do a damn thing to stop it from happening."

Alice sobbed quietly against my chest, that being her only response. I concentrated on the feel of her in my arms, just so I didn't get dragged under the denseness of the overwhelming misery coursing through me.

"How long?" she whispered, after what felt like a very long silence. I would answer her, although I was sure she already knew that it was only a handful of months. She could read the signs just as easily as anyone could.

"Last April," I choked out. Eight months. Two hundred and thirty-three days. Five thousand five hundred and eighty-six hours. It didn't matter how I put it, for it was always going to indicate one thing. She was gone. No amount of time would change that. No amount of time would lessen the pain I felt.

But as I sat there, using Alice as my anchor, I finally understood what it meant to share, to let someone in and allow them to help you. Only Alice would truly understand what happened. My parents. Maria's parents. My friends. None of them ever understood the pain that _I _went through.

Though their pain was just as strong, it had been different for each of them. Maria's parents had each other, I had no one.

But now that wasn't true. I had someone; I had Alice.

"You're not alone anymore," I whispered into her hairline. Neither of us would truly be alone again. We had each other. It wouldn't be easy, but maybe now we could move forward.

Together.

* * *

**6****th**** December 2008**

**Alice POV**

My mind was still in a state of shock after Jasper told me about Maria. I'd known from the first day I'd met him that something was wrong. I'd known that something had happened to him to make him the way he was, but never did I expect it to be something like that. Even though I knew it was wrong, I was strangely relieved to know that someone else knew what I was going through, that someone else knew of the pain I felt.

After he'd told me that I wasn't alone anymore we'd sat in silence, wrapped up in our own little bubble. In that moment there wasn't anything else outside his room, it was almost easier to just forget. At some point I must have fallen asleep in his arms, I didn't sleep for very long, only twenty minutes or so, but when I awoke, Jasper's mom was home.

She was shocked to find me there and the moment she looked from me to Jasper, I got the feeling that she knew who I was, and what had happened to me. However, she didn't seem to act differently with me, and in that moment, I guessed that she was had already experienced it before.

She offered me to stay for dinner, but I knew I had to get home before Mom decided to send out a search party for me. I didn't have my phone with me and if she didn't hear from me I knew she'd be worried. But as I looked outside into the darkness of the streets I cringed away, not liking the idea of walking through the dark on my own.

As if he knew what I was thinking, he grabbed his jacket from the side and told his mom that he was going to walk me home. We walked in silence for most of the way, but I knew that we didn't need to talk because the fact that I knew he was there beside me was enough.

When I opened the door, Mom came into the hallway, I could see the instant relief when she saw me, I couldn't have been gone more than two hours yet she must have wanted me to come home soon. When she saw Jasper she hugged him and thanked him for bringing me home, we could both hear the hidden meaning beneath her words.

Finally Mom left us alone to go back to the cooking, I turned to Jasper and without thinking I walked forward and embraced him. "Thank you," I mumbled into his chest.

I pulled away from him and looked up into his eyes. "Thank you for telling me, and for trusting me enough to do so."

He nodded slowly and attempted to smile. "I didn't think it would help for me to tell someone about what happened. But I was wrong, it really did."

He left after that, I felt bad for making him walk all the way here only to walk back in the dark on his own. Even after he'd gone out of sight I remained at the door staring out at the darkness. That was how Mom found me when she'd come out of the kitchen.

"What are you standing at the door like that for?" she asked.

I shrugged. "Just thinking, is all," I replied honestly.

That had been three days ago now, and ever since then millions of thoughts had floated through my mind. There was only one person who could truly quench the thirst for answers, but the only problem was that I had no clue as how to approach the subject again.

Jasper had only just opened up to me, and not only was I worried that he would clam up and become distant with me again, I was also worried that I wouldn't be able to get the right words out. The questions I had weren't exactly simple, generic questions that you asked in every day conversations. They were deeper, and delved into more sensitive subjects than either of us were willing to truly go into.

It was Saturday, thankfully when I'd turned up at Jasper's house he didn't have to be at work today. I knew that Bella had her shift today. It was painful to think about her. I hadn't talked to my friend in at least a month, though I knew she visited frequently. I pushed Bella to the back of my mind. I had enough to think about today.

We talked for a while. I found it comforting to see how at ease we both were talking to each other. Jasper was the only one who ever really met my eye properly, even my own mother tended to look away after any prolonged amount of time.

But even comfortable chatter had to come to an end, and it was as if Jasper sensed the change in the atmosphere he turned to me.

"What's on your mind, Alice?" he asked, knowing that there was something I had to talk to him about.

I looked at him cautiously, wondering how the hell I was going to broach this subject. I shuffled uncomfortably on the bed and fiddled with the sleeve of my hooded top.

"I don't know how to ask you…" I hedged, trying to give myself more time to think.

"Just ask," he replied, his tone encouraging.

"Okay," I agreed, taking a deep breath. "What was it like… after…?" I said, but stopped, unable to finish my sentence. Yet I could tell he knew what I was talking about when I saw the realisation in his eyes.

It was silent for a moment as he thought it over. "I'm not going to lie to you and say there were days where things were how they used to be. There wasn't."

I didn't respond, because deep down, I already knew that. I already knew there wasn't a day where things felt okay, where there wasn't a niggling voice in the back of your mind reminding you that he was gone. It was always constant; it was always there.

"It was the worst thing imaginable to go through, it was, and still is, horrible," he said, I was grateful yet still slightly surprised at how he wasn't sugar coating anything.

"I can't even begin to think about what people thought of me back then," he mused. "I was a very different person from the guy they were used to."

I nodded to myself; I could understand that. Traumas like this always changed you in some way or another.

"After she died, I was in serious denial, and it lasted weeks, months even. I didn't want to believe that she had gone, so somehow, in my mind, I seemed to convince myself that she wasn't. Whenever I saw someone crying, or talking about it, I would get so angry. I turned into such a bitter, angry person. You saw what I was like in September, picture that, and triple it and you'll have an idea what I was like."

I didn't respond to what he had just said, not at first at least. I didn't know what to say. I knew what it felt like to be in denial, but my own denial lasted hours, not weeks. I found it hard to wrap my mind around the concept of believing that they hadn't gone.

"But what about the funeral? Didn't that… convince you?" I asked, unable to find a more suitable word to fit in lieu of 'convince'. Surely the funeral would have been enough _proof_ that she had died?

He remained silent as he thought over his answer. "You'd think it would convince you, wouldn't you? But it didn't. I didn't want to go at first, why would I when I didn't believe it? But I still went, and I listened to every word the minister said and took none of it in. I guess you could say I was just really stubborn."

I wanted so badly to ask him what happened to make him realise the truth. But I just couldn't find the words. So I remained silent once again, and waited for him to continue.

"I spent a lot of time alone, more often than not people avoided me, or I avoided them. Especially my best friends," he continued, and then stopped. I immediately knew that there was something he wasn't saying. Something had happened between him and his friends, I was sure of it. But once again, I didn't ask him to elaborate, I knew him well enough by now to know when he didn't want to talk about a certain subject.

"I can't really remember how long it lasted," he said, taking the topic of conversation away from his friends. "But like most things, the denial came to an end. You know, all it took was me finding one of her tops in my wardrobe. When I realised that it didn't smell of her anymore, I realised that she was gone."

He looked down at his lap then as a crease formed between his eyes. "I cried for a week, I think. That was when the hollowness set in. The empty feeling inside is another part of me that still hasn't really gone. But Emily helped me through. She was the only one who sat with me. She'd just hold onto me with all her might, not saying a damn word."

I gasped quietly, was it possible that he knew what to do with me from past experience?

"She was only four years old and yet she pulled me through the hardest week of my life," he continued, oblivious to my little revelation. "I owe her everything. I'd do anything for her."

I smiled faintly as I remembered him telling me how close he was to his sister; I grimaced as I remembered what day he'd told me that. I locked the thought into the imaginary chest at the bottom of my mind.

He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly through his mouth as if he was about to get to the bad bit of the story. It was probably just me overreacting, but I braced myself nonetheless.

"After that week was over, and I stopped crying, the bitter, angry side of me was back. But this time, it was worse, and I became selfish. I snapped at everyone who tried to talk to me, and argued with people who really didn't deserve it."

He grimaced. "The really fucked up thing was, that when my selfish side really ingrained itself into my mind, I actually started to hate Maria for dying and turning me into the person I'd become."

The moment the words left his mouth, I couldn't help but feel appalled yet disappointed in him. He _hated _her for dying, and in effect, leaving him? He was right, it was fucked up, and I couldn't, for a second, see it from his perspective at all. I couldn't even begin to think about the prospect of hating Robbie for leaving me. Sure, I hated God at times for taking him away from me, but Robbie? No, I just couldn't. It wasn't Robbie's fault, and it wasn't Maria's either.

I could see that he was gritting his teeth in the way his jaw was set. I watched the expression on his face turn from tormented, to angry, to tormented again. He was still looking down, but I could still see the disgust in his stormy eyes.

"I don't think even you can understand how much I hate myself for that. It was the most disgusting and selfish thing I could ever do, and the worst part, was that it lasted days."

I didn't say anything, even though I agreed with him. He was right to feel disgusted and ashamed of himself. But no matter how much I agreed with his statement, I would never outright say it to him.

"When I stopped sleeping it got worse. It twisted my already bitter personality," he said, his tone sombre but more controlled than before. "I was in the most unimaginable hell with no means of escaping, not even in sleep."

"What do you mean?" I asked in a small voice, it was, I realised, the first time I'd spoken since asking him about the funeral.

"The nightmares," he replied in an ominous tone. His jaw twitched as the muscles in his neck tightened. I saw a dark fire in his eyes when I looked into them. "Well, nightmare to be more precise. It's always the same one, it never changes."

It was silent then and I wondered whether he was going to tell me about his nightmare. I was about to say that he didn't have to tell me, when he started speaking.

"It's always the same, she's standing there smiling at me, and I try to take a step towards her but it's as if I'm not moving at all. It's when I'm running at full speed trying to get to her that I wake up."

I grimaced; I could only imagine what experiencing that nightmare was like, to see them and not be able to get to them was a true form of evil.

"But the strangest thing is that I know it's coming every time, and I know before it happens that I won't be able to get to her. Yet I never wake up. Because in that moment she's there, and she's real, and I can be with her, even if I can't touch her."

I closed my eyes as I felt the first tears of the day well in my eyes, I could hear the underlay of pain in his voice; it seemed to emanate out of him in waves.

"You know," he said, in a quieter voice. "I always used to say that Maria was the girl of my dreams. Now that's all she'll ever be."

I broke down then, I gave up trying to hold in the tears and they poured uncontrollably down my cheeks. I glanced up at Jasper and saw that he too was crying, neither of us tried to wipe away the tears, it would be a futile attempt.

"Until one day…" he whispered, pausing as he seemed to choke on his words. "I stop dreaming about her altogether."

I shuffled closer to him, then kneeling in front of him so that I could hold him in my arms. He rested his head against my shoulder and wrapped his arms around me tightly; I could feel his body shaking, but I was unsure as to whether he was crying.

"But what terrifies me the most," he whispered after he'd stopped shaking. "Is that when I don't dream about her anymore, she'll be gone forever."

I held him closer to my, shushing him softly as my own tears poured relentlessly down my cheeks.

"I have nightmares too," I murmured in a quiet voice as he pulled away from me so that we were facing each other again.

"You don't have to tell me about them," he said in a soft voice.

I shook my head. "No, no. I have to tell someone and you're the only one who will really understand," I told him. He nodded slowly.

I took a deep breath in preparation. "I'm back in the parking lot and it's empty, I'm all alone. Then suddenly he's there and I start to walk towards him but then I see the car."

I paused taking another deep breath as the images, which seemed to be burnt into my memory, flashed across my mind.

"It's as if the car is moving in slow motion, it moves so slowly and yet I can never get there in time. Sometimes I scream for him to move, but it never stops it from happening."

I took in a ragged breath through my mouth and wiped the tears that were on my cheek, I felt his hand on mine and I squeezed it.

"Then I wake up screaming," I continued. "I'm all alone…always alone."

* * *

**A/N****: Do I have any readers left? Do said readers need a hug? I'm giving out virtual hugs here. If you've just got out your pitchfork and are planning on tracking me down, then give me a heads up, and I'll start running.**

**So many of you were like 'Did Maria die?' or 'Did she do something to Jasper?' Maria was nice in this story! She's not some evil harpy bitch who tried to f**k up Jasper's life. But hey, now you have your answers, and now you know why Jasper was so flipping rude to Alice and the rest of them. Oh, and now you know why there is no ETERNAAAL Jalice love just yet.**

**You know the dealio here, if you review, then I give out teasers. My aim is between 211 and 218 reviews, and only because I'm going to be eighteen on the eleventh of June. So yeah, reviews could easily be seen as a birthday present :)**


	24. Chapter 23

**A/N****: Chapter 23!**

**So chapter 21 got 16 reviews and chapter 22 only got 6. But hey, 6 reviews are better than nothing, right? So I'm not complaining, I just hope I haven't lost readers. Thank you to those of you that did review, or alert etc.**

**As always, a big thank you goes to Juniper294. She has been beta reading like crazy this week. Apart from the revisions I need to make, I am set for uploading chapter 24 and 25 when the time comes.**

**Disclaimer****: The last time I checked, the story I've been writing for the last year is called Lost in Orbit, and not The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner. That proves I am not Stephenie Meyer.**

**Does anyone else agree that SM could have been a tad bit more creative with the title of that book?**

* * *

**Chapter 23 - Reconnection**

**8****th**** December 2008**

**Jasper POV**

Miss Williams droned on as I once again sat in the only lesson I used to sit with Alice. There were classes where I sat completely on my own, but it was always in this lesson that I felt truly lonely. Nothing was the same without Alice anymore, and sometimes it was hard to truly digest that realisation, given the small amount of time we'd known each other.

I had thought, and hoped, that Alice would return to school this week. Compared to how things had been, she was getting better, and after being out of the house on her own last week, I really thought she'd try and brave school again. Obviously not.

I sat back on my seat and tried very hard not to think. It was Christmas in less than three weeks. It was my first Christmas without Maria. This time last year, things _seemed _to be such a happy time, but maybe that was because Maria was still alive. It was hard to believe that only a year later I was in a different state, and a different person.

The school bell jostled me, I hadn't even realised the lesson was coming to an end. I gathered my things and made my way outside. It was a cold day and the ground was still wet from the downpour this morning.

I was just walking out the main doors when I heard someone calling after me, I turned around to see Emmett coming down the corridor towards me.

"You alright, mate?" he asked as soon as I was in earshot. I nodded and tried to smile convincingly. I could tell something was bothering him, it was most unlike Emmett to keep something in. Usually he just blurted it out.

"What's on your mind, Emm?" I asked as we made our way outside.

He smiled grimly. "That obvious, huh?"

He sighed, and added. "I'm just thinking about Alice, that's all," he murmured. "You've seen her recently, right? How is she doing?"

"Physically she's okay now after what happened, and she was out of the house the next day. So something's definitely changing, for the better." I chose my words slowly, not knowing how to best describe her behaviour to Emmett. I added the last part for his benefit. Technically I wasn't lying, because things were getting better. But I didn't want him thinking that things were going to go back to as normal as they could in this circumstance.

"Well, that's good to hear, but why does she still push us away? We could help her," he asked in a gloomy voice. He ran his hands through his short crop of curly hair as he spoke. I grimaced slightly as I watched him. I could almost feel the distress he was experiencing over the prospect losing both his best friends.

A sudden rush of sympathy coursed through me, I could tell it was hard for him and the others not being able to help their friend, and it probably wasn't easy to see that she had opened up to me, the one person she'd known the least.

I wasn't one hundred percent sure why Emmett was broaching this topic now. It wasn't as if he didn't have the chance to ask me before. I could only assume that he knew I'd been with her, and I was mostly likely the last one to see her properly since Robbie's birthday.

"People deal with grief in different ways," I began, not knowing why I was going into it, yet feeling that he deserved an explanation at the same time. "Sometimes they surround themselves with people and activities so they effectively block out all the pain. Other people act like nothing happened and try to cover up the pain they are undoubtedly feeling inside. For them the pain is worse than ever because they deal with it on their own when they think no one is looking."

He nodded slowly. He looked so crestfallen. I couldn't remember the last time I'd really seen him smile.

I tried to hide the grimace on my face as I continued. "Some live in denial for a long period of time, and that denial turns them into bitter and twisted people who start arguments and hate things they really shouldn't."

I continued before Emmett could sense the sour tone in my voice as I described what I had gone through myself. "Then there's the ones who push away their friends and family because they don't know how to properly deal with the pain."

I paused, we both knew that I was talking about Alice now. "So they distance themselves away from anything that linked to, or reminded them of what it was they lost. That's where Alice is right now. She doesn't know how to deal with the pain," I said. In truth I don't think anyone really knows how to deal with it.

Emmett shook his head sadly, but I could see the understanding on his face. He knew what I had said was the truth. I just hoped it helped him to understand Alice's situation a little better. "Isn't there anything we can do?"

I shook my head and his face fell, the disappointment evident. "Just look at it from the perspective that she is a piece of wood, and that everything else around her is sandpaper."

His brow furrowed in confusion, but I continued. "Each time something interacts with her it grates at her and it grates at her, and each time it rubs another layer away, until finally all you're left with is raw material."

I could see the realisation in his eyes as his brow rose ever so slightly. "And like any raw material, you need to leave it to mature, to heal."

His face puckered once again. "Are you saying that I'm the sandpaper?" he asked, using my strange terminology. I couldn't help but hear the intonation of offence in his words.

"What I'm trying to say is that you wait, and you allow her to start the healing process. But right now, Alice is lost, she's not herself. She might not be herself for a very long time. But she _will_ come back in time, and she will need you all more than ever. Until that time, you wait 'cause she will back on her own accord one day. Hopefully soon," I added truthfully because she _had _to come back to school soon, or else she was going to get held back a year.

He was silent then as he fully digested what I had told him. I could tell already that he understood what I had said.

"How do you know all that?" he asked curiously.

I stared at him, feeling the wall fly up around me. I could never tell him I knew all that because I had been in the same situation myself.

"Just think about what I said, Emmett, okay?" I replied, dodging his question. I knew _he _knew I was avoiding his question. But I didn't give him enough time to reply as I turned away from him and made my way to the front gate. During that time that we talked, the school bus had left without me, which meant I had to walk to pick up Emily.

But at least it would give me more time to think about what I was about to do. I pulled out my phone from my pocket and scrolled through my contact list until I got to the number I hadn't dialled since last February.

I put the phone to my ear then waited for him to answer. But it went straight through to voicemail. I contemplated putting the phone down, but I knew that if I did, I wouldn't call him again. So as his voicemail message ended, I began to speak.

"Hey, Peter, it's Jasper," I began. Then paused as I had no idea what I was going to say next. My hands were shaking, and my heart was beating a little faster than normal. I was certain that my hands would be sweating, too.

"I'm sorry," I continued after a deep, shaky breath. "I'm sorry for pushing you away, and for not being the best friend I should have been after it happened. The way I acted was unforgiveable, I know, and when I left… I wasn't myself. It shouldn't have ended the way it did, and I regret that now."

I took another deep breath. There was so much I had to apologise for, but if I listed them all, then I'd be here forever. I should have apologised for not giving them the chance to say goodbye. That had become something I truly regretted, but it wasn't something I wanted to say over the phone, not without him on the other line at least. But I'd finally said part of what I should have said to him months ago. I'd apologised, and that was a step in the right direction.

"I hope everything is well with Charlotte," I said in a sincere voice.

Then after a moment, I added. "I really do miss you both," I murmured before cutting the call as I rounded the corner to Emily's school.

* * *

When my phone finally rang I was afraid to answer it. I knew without needing to look at the caller ID, that it would be Peter. I stared at the phone long and hard wondering whether the person on the other line was as scared about connecting with something from their past as I was.

I picked the phone up and held it in my hand. It was shaking again, and I felt the same increase in my heartbeat. I knew that if I didn't answer the phone then it would stop ringing and I wouldn't have to talk to him. But I knew that if I _did _do that then I would be taking the coward's way out, I needed to do this. I needed this. I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly before pressing the answer button and putting the phone to my ear.

"Hello."

It was silent for a moment. I could hear him on the other end of the line, so I knew it was Peter straight away.

"Hi, Jasper."

"Peter."

"I got your voicemail."

I hated how awkward it was between us. But I knew that was my fault. We used to be able to talk about anything, and now we were talking as if we didn't know each other anymore. Maybe we didn't.

"Yeah, I gathered that was why you were calling," I muttered in a joking tone, I smiled softly when I heard him chuckling.

"Was a bit of a stupid thing to say, huh?"

"A bit, yeah."

It was silent again, and the awkward tension buzzed around me yet again as I rubbed my hand along my neck.

"How's-"

"How-"

We both stopped and laughed uncomfortably as we started talking at the same time, saying the exact same thing.

"You first," he replied. I was silently grateful that he allowed me to go first as I knew exactly what he was going to ask me, and I didn't know how to answer him right now. I needed just a little bit more time.

"How is Charlotte?"

"She's really good," he drawled, I could hear the smile in his voice, there wasn't a more perfectly matched couple than what those two were.

"She's standing right next to you, isn't she?" I asked. "And I bet I'm on speaker phone right now."

His silence answered my question, I smiled to myself. "I'm right, aren't I?"

He chuckled softly, but it was Charlotte who answered. "How the hell did you know?"

"I know what you're like," I replied. "You are my best friends after all."

My eyes widened slightly as my mind caught up with what I had said, we hadn't talked properly for almost nine months. I still saw them as my best friends, but did they? My mouth suddenly felt very dry as I waited for them to respond.

"You're right," they both said simultaneously. I exhaled silently in relief.

"How are you, Jasper?" Charlotte asked. I could tell she had been itching to ask that as soon as I said hello.

I sighed and thought for a moment, I didn't know how to answer her. I certainly wasn't _good _or _fine_, I was the furthest thing from it in fact.

"I'm better," I replied as honestly as I could. For I was better, just not _better _better.

"You sound better," Charlotte murmured softly. "I can hear it in your voice."

It was silent then and I wondered whether the call had been cut, when Charlotte started to speak.

"Why didn't you tell us you were leavin'?" she asked in a voice that made me feel like I had been punched in the gut. She sounded really upset, rightfully so. My heart was beating so loudly that for a moment, it was all I could hear.

"Charlotte," Peter said in a warning tone. They had obviously discussed this before they called me. It was evident that Peter didn't want to go into it, Charlotte on the other hand, had other plans.

"No, Peter," she replied in an equally stern voice. "I want to know why he left without even sayin' goodbye."

I grimaced as I tried to think of a legible answer that I could give her so that she would understand my actions. I heard a rustling on the other end of the line, someone was moving the phone.

"I've taken you off speaker phone," Charlotte exclaimed a second later. It sounded as if she was walking away, I could hear her footsteps.

"Where's Peter?"

"I left him in the other room. He doesn't agree with this conversation," she said. Her footsteps stopped then and I heard the chair scrape along the tiled flooring. She was in Peter's kitchen, his chairs always made a scraping sound.

"You're at Peter's house."

"Yes, and you're changin' the subject," she stated. Damn, she'd picked up on that then.

"Yeah, I am," I said, sighing, as I ran my hands over my face quickly. "But only 'cause I don't know the answer to your question."

Charlotte sighed too. "I know you were hurtin', Jasper, but that still didn't give you the right to get up and move to a different state without tellin' us. We were all in the same boat. She was our best friend, too."

My jaw tightened at her words and I bit back a snarky response. She didn't need to hear that, it was all she heard from me in the months after my denial lifted.

"She was more than a best friend to me, Charlotte, you know that."

"Yes, I do know that," she replied instantly. "But I also know that the Jasper I knew wouldn't have run away without even leavin' a note."

"The Jasper you knew didn't choose to come here," I growled down the phone. My hands were shaking as I felt the emotions rise up my throat. I had to calm down. This wasn't how this conversation was meant to go. She said I sounded better, but I sounded exactly the same as what I used to. I knew I had the same short and snappy attitude as before.

"Yeah, but you chose to abandon your friends long before you left," she retorted, her voice was strong, but I could hear the slight waiver at the end.

"That's because it was easier to do that than have to face the look in your eyes." The words came out before I could think them through. I wasn't in control anymore.

"What look?" she snapped.

"The pain, the suffering, the grief, the disappointment," I growled as I punctuated each of the words with a short, laboured breath.

"The disappointment?" she asked, her voice didn't hold as much strength now. I had caught her off guard with that one, clearly.

"Yes, the disappointment," I repeated in a cold voice. I closed my eyes as I heard the sound of my own voice. The cold, detached Jasper was definitely back again, and I wasn't sure how to rein him back in. "You thought I knew that she was dying. You thought I kept it from you both just like everyone else did. Well, you were wrong. I found out the same time you did, Charlotte. My heart was ripped to shreds the same time that yours was."

I was crying now, the hot, angry tears kept pouring from my eyes. I didn't know how to rein those in either. I heard her laboured breaths on the end of the line and I knew she was crying as well.

There was a shuffling on the other end of the line, and I heard Peter's voice once again.

"Give me the phone, Charlotte," he demanded in an angry voice. She must have shaken her head in response, as that was what it sounded like. "I said give me the fuckin' phone."

She complied straight away it seemed.

"Why in the hell are you makin' her cry, Jasper?" he growled, his accent thickening as he voice deepened. "What the fuck did you say to her?"

I didn't answer, not right away. "I told her the truth," I whispered, for my voice held no strength now. It was broken, just as I was once again.

He was silent for a moment, and then when he spoke again, his voice was quieter, not as angry.

"We all miss her, Jasper," he murmured. "But you have to remember that we are all goin' through the same thing. We were all there too, don't you forget that now."

"But you weren't there," I said breathlessly, I choked on the lump that was in my throat, threatening to suffocate me. "You weren't holding her hand. You didn't hear her last words. You didn't watch her close her eyes for the..."

I couldn't say it, I couldn't finish my sentence. I closed my eyes, but as I did so the images – memories flashed across my mind and I had to open them once again.

"I'm sorry," I rasped through the pain that the memories were reawakening. "I thought I could do this. But I can't."

I cut the call before I could give him the chance to say anything, let alone say goodbye. In any other situation, I would have humourlessly laughed at the irony of it all. I didn't tell them that I was cutting the call, I didn't give them the chance to say goodbye, yet again.

The phone fell to the floor when I let it drop from my hands. I curled myself over on the bed and tried to, first control my breathing, and then stop my tears. But it was easier said than done.

My bedroom door opened a minute later and Emily stepped in with a cautious expression on her face. Yet she still walked straight up to me, she didn't even falter.

"What's wrong, Jasper?" she asked in a quiet voice.

I sat up and quickly wiped my tears away with the palm of my hands. "Nothin', sweetie, I was just talking to some old friends that's all. You remember Peter and Charlotte, right?"

She nodded then stepped forwards and climbed onto my lap. She wrapped her tiny arms around me as tightly as she could and didn't let go. Without thinking, I wrapped my own arms around her and did exactly the same.

"I miss Nettie... and Lucy, too," she mumbled against my chest. She knew not to mention Maria's name.

"I know you do, sweetie, I miss them too," I replied as fresh tears found their way down my cheeks.

"Its okay, Jasper," she whispered as she pulled away from me and looked straight into my eyes. "We will see them again."

She sounded so sure, so hopeful. But I wasn't. I didn't know when any of us were going to return to Texas, and if I was completely honest, I wasn't sure if I wanted to.

Even if we were going to return to Texas one day, it would mean I would have to talk to someone else first. I would have to reconnect with someone else apart from my two best friends, if they still called me that. But I knew that if I couldn't talk to Peter and Charlotte without breaking down, then I wouldn't be able to talk to Maria's parents either. That would take _a lot_ more preparation.

I knew that Mom still talked to Maria's mother, Kathy Benthram, on a regular basis, they were best friends after all. They had been since before I was born, I never expected them _not _to talk. I heard them on the phone sometimes. They talked about everyday things that happened to them. They talked a lot about how Emily, Nettie and Lucy were all doing at school. And sometimes, they talked about me.

It was those moments, where they would sit talking about my progress that really worried me. I hated being the topic of their conversation. I could hear Mom sometimes telling Kathy that I was better, that I was interacting more, making new friends. It made me cringe away because she wasn't seeing the sadness I was still feeling, she didn't know about the nightmares that still invaded my sleep.

She was blind to the things that I was seeing. I must have been putting on such a good facade for everyone else, that I even fooled my own mother into believing that nothing was wrong.

* * *

I didn't talk to Peter and Charlotte again for another week and a half, even though they had called multiple times. The first time they rang, I had been sitting eating my dinner. When I saw who it was on the caller ID, I lost my appetite and didn't answer the call. I sent them a message an hour later telling them that I wasn't available to talk. It was cold, detached and formal.

The second time they rang, my phone had been off and they had left me a voicemail telling me that we had to talk. They ended the message by telling me that if the next time they rang, and I didn't answer, then they would know I was ignoring them, and that they would give up.

I was present for the third and final time they called, and even though I didn't want to, I answered it. It was both of them on speakerphone once again, I think it worked better that way. We spoke on the phone for almost an hour. It had started off jilted and awkward, and just like before the conversation turned tense, and we almost argued yet again.

But somehow we managed to steer away from it and we found ourselves coming to a mutual agreement. We'd work through this slowly and we'd give it as long as it needed for our friendship to be completely rekindled. But we _would_ make it work between us.

We even wished each other a merry Christmas, not that there was anything merry about the upcoming holiday. Mom and I had decided that we weren't going to do very much for Christmas this year. It was fine by me, I didn't complain. We even agreed that we wouldn't buy a present for each other.

I still bought a little something for Emily, she didn't deserve to miss out on Christmas just because I didn't want to celebrate it. I bought her a small necklace locket that I'd seen a while ago. It had a small flower on the front, which I knew Emily would like.

I didn't get a present for anyone else, not even Alice. It seemed I had become a modern day Scrooge. Especially considering I didn't give out any Christmas cards either, not that I got many in return.

I only received one from Rosalie, and even that had surprised me. I hadn't expected to get any. Especially after the way I had been acting around them. My behaviour after that first phone call from Peter and Charlotte had completely flipped once again. It had turned sporadic and confusing to those around me. It was as if I had gone back to those first few weeks in September.

Everyone noticed my change in personality, especially Emmett and Edward as I shared classes with them during the week.

"Is everything okay?" Edward asked as soon as he caught up with me after our gym class. Usually we left together, but today I had left early, not wanting to talk. Obviously Edward had other plans.

I gave him a very noncommittal grunt in response, and I could tell he was put off by it. I took my chance, and carried on walking, knowing that he wouldn't follow me. His next class was in the other direction, and so chasing after me would only result in making him late.

The next time I saw him was at lunchtime, and he was wearing the same concerned expression as the rest of them did, apart from Bella. She had given me one brief look then turned her attention back to her lunch.

I got the impression that she didn't like me all that much, not that that realisation fazed me in any shape or form. So that was probably why Bella didn't give me a Christmas card.

"Jasper, has something happened?" Emmett asked, leaning forward across the table, as if he was trying to make this conversation more private. It wasn't effective, as Edward and Rosalie looked towards me at the same time.

I could feel my jaw tighten slightly and wished, for once, they'd just stop _caring_, or at least, stop trying to find out what was wrong.

"It's none of your business," I replied, giving him a hardened look. His brow pulled together at my hostility and he sat back in his chair. The atmosphere around the table became very awkward and I glanced to my left, to find all three occupants of the table staring at me as well.

I exhaled quickly, looked away from the lot of them and stood up, walking out of the cafeteria altogether. When all this had _blown over_ I knew that I would feel ashamed of my behavior, just like always. But they didn't need to know, and telling them it was none of their business was the only answer my mind could conjure up.

But it was harder to respond to Alice when she asked what was wrong. I couldn't very well tell her that it was none of her business, even though technically, it wasn't. I still didn't tell her about my talk with Peter and Charlotte though. Instead, I blamed it on life in general. It technically wasn't a lie, because it _was _my life that made me the way I was.

Then only three days after Christmas, Alice told me that she was thinking of coming back to school.

* * *

**A/N****: What did you think to Jasper's chat with Peter and Charlotte? Was he in the wrong? Did Peter and Charlotte deserve it? I'd love to hear your thoughts.**

**Reviews get you teasers to chapter 24. My aim: 232 reviews.**


	25. Chapter 24

**A/N****: Chapter 24.**

**Finally, Alice is back to school. It's about time, huh?**

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed, it means a lot. Especially you, Kat, you leave such detailed reviews and you catch things others don't. I love all your little thoughts and theories.**

**Also, to the person who reviewed saying they thought this story is a piece of rubbish: I'm sorry that you don't like the plot, and that you think it is odd. Fair enough, that's your opinion. You want to report it? Be my guest, really. But I'd like to see the grounds on which you'd do so. If you had actually explained why my story is '****utterly indecent and a nightmare' then I might have understood, but you didn't. In fact, you didn't make any constructive comments at all. What I don't understand is why you read 85,000 odd words before you realised you didn't like the story. Sigh.**

**Anyway, yet again, Juniper294 deserves a lot of praise. I don't know what I'd do without her. She did write a sentence in this chapter, so I give the credit to her for that.**

**Disclaimer****: I can spend hours dreaming about meeting Jasper, but guess what? He isn't real, because Stephenie Meyer created him. Dammit, SM, make him real. Oh, wait, Jackson Rathbone! *grins***

* * *

**Chapter 24 - Paranoia**

**5****th**** January 2009**

**Alice POV**

I pulled on the sweater slowly, wondering why the hell I was doing this. I slid my plimsolls onto my feet and tied them up precisely. I knew exactly what I was trying to do, I was stalling so that I'd be so late that I'd miss the bus and wouldn't have to go through with what I was planning.

But I knew that I couldn't do that, Jasper was downstairs waiting for me, and if I missed the bus, then he would too. He'd arrived ten minutes ago. He was early; almost as if he knew I'd be doing all that I could to not go. I grabbed my bag from beside my bed and slowly made my way downstairs. Jasper was standing at the bottom of the stairs waiting for me; he didn't say anything as I stopped in front of him.

"Are you sure you don't want me to give you a lift?" Mom asked as she stepped into the room. It was so tempting; in fact, apart from running back upstairs and hiding under my covers, getting a lift was at the top of my 'want' list. But I shook my head, I had to do this on my own, or at least with Jasper by my side. I had to do it properly. And anyway, if Mom gave us a lift, then she'd be late for her first day back at work after the so called festive season, and I couldn't do that to her. I'd made her miss enough work as it was.

"No, I have to do this," I murmured, more to myself than anyone. My voice was feeble and weak. I couldn't even convince myself, let alone my mother and Jasper.

"We should get going," Jasper said. I knew, of course, that we had to leave soon. As if we didn't, we'd miss the bus, and we would then have to end up walking to school. But I was terrified, terrified of their stares, terrified of their hushed chats behind my back. I was just terrified of going back to school.

"You can do this," Jasper murmured into my ear as we slowly made our way down the road towards the bus stop that was right at the end of my street. I didn't answer him, because I didn't know if I _could _do this.

Even before we'd gotten to the end of the road I could hear people. There were others waiting at the bus stop. I should have known. What else was I expecting? That there wouldn't be people waiting to get on the school bus?

"Just ignore them. Imagine they aren't there," Jasper murmured soothingly into my ear. He understood so much. Without having to tell him, he knew exactly what I was feeling. But I couldn't ignore the way they stopped talking as I walked around the corner. I didn't miss the look they gave me, even though it was brief. There were only four of them standing there. I didn't recognise them from school, they must have been new in September, but they still knew. They'd heard the stories, everyone had.

I stopped moving and looked at each of their faces in turn. None of them looked me in the eyes. They all turned away when they knew I'd caught them looking. I started to have shortness of breath when they did that. I couldn't take in enough oxygen to calm myself down, and I was only at the bus stop. What would happen when I got on the bus? What would happen when I got to school? What would happen when I was sitting in lesson without Jasper sitting beside me?

I was tempted to turn around when the bus drove round the corner. I instantly moved so that Jasper was between me and the bus. He reached behind him without looking and grabbed my hand. He squeezed it gently then slowly pulled me towards the bus.

It was silent as I stepped on, maybe it was my mind playing tricks on me, but I felt as if everyone's eyes were on me as I slid into the first row of seats, desperate to be out of sight. I wouldn't look the same to them, considering my hair was now significantly shorter than what it used to be, but they'd still recognise me.

I hunched over in the chair and curled my legs up against my chest, the bus was full of chatter, but paranoia got the best of me and I couldn't help but think that the chatter was about me.

"I'm here," Jasper whispered, staring at me intently.

"What is wrong with me?" I asked, more to myself than anyone. Why was I reacting like this? Why was I so paranoid about what people were thinking of me? I hadn't done anything wrong. I hadn't caused any catastrophes.

I was just Alice Brandon.

I wasn't the girl whose boyfriend died in front of her. I wasn't the girl that had remained inside her room for the last three months. I wasn't the girl who was terrified of stepping inside the school gates in case the pain that had consumed her before came back again.

I was just Alice Brandon.

I kept telling myself that, over and over again, it went round in my mind. I was just Alice Brandon. And it worked, right up until the bus stopped outside the school gates.

My eyes were closed, scrunched so tightly that even the smallest of lights couldn't get in. I was only minutely aware of the sounds of other students getting off the bus. I didn't even try to think about what they were saying as soon as they were out of earshot.

"Give me your hand."

Jasper's voice reached out to me through the barrier I was trying to put up around myself. I didn't think about what I was doing as I held my hand out absently. He took it, curling his warm hand around my cold one.

"Open your eyes, Alice," he instructed, his voice calm and soothing.

I felt the tears spring in my eyes as I slowly opened them, when my eyes landed on his I felt the tears roll slowly down my cheeks.

"I don't know if I can do this, Jasper," I murmured. My voice was so small, so broken, that it was practically inaudible.

"You _can _do this, Alice, and you will," he reassured me, squeezing my hand as he spoke. "And I will help you every tiny step of the way. I'm here for you."

_Go with him, Alice._

I can't. I can't go back in there.

_Yes you can, Jasper will help you. _

I know. But what if the pain gets to me? What if it all returns and I turn back into the thing that I was before?

_You won't let that happen, you're stronger than that._

I sighed. Even my conscience was telling me that I could do it.

I wiped the tears away from my eyes, even though I knew it was stupid to do so**.** I would only be crying again in a minute.

"Don't leave me," I begged him, grasping his other hand with my own.

"I promise I won't," he replied. I exhaled slowly and nodded at him, I had to do this. I couldn't stay on the bus any longer. Everyone else was getting off, and I could tell the bus driver was getting impatient with the wait. I knew this because he kept turning around and looking in our direction.

My legs felt like jelly as I stood up and tried to walk on them, if Jasper didn't have a strong hold on my hand, I knew I'd fall down, or run away. I wasn't sure which. But as we got closer to the front gate, not even his strong hold on me could keep me together.

"I can't do this," I said as I grounded me feet and refused to move. Jasper didn't try to force me.

"You can," he assured me. I didn't believe him.

"No, Jasper, I really can't," I gasped as tears started rolling from my eyes and I began to get shortness of breath yet again. I couldn't do this. I couldn't walk into school again without Robbie by my side. This isn't how it was supposed to be, Robbie was always by my side on the first day back to school.

But now he was gone, and I had to walk by the spot where his life had ended. How was I meant to do that? How was I meant to look at the place it happened and just ignore the fact that it was the last place I saw him?

As if he knew that I was questioning everything again, he sighed and looked around quickly. "Give me your bag," he instructed.

"What?"

"Give me your bag," he repeated as he held out his hand for it. I did as he told and passed it to him then watched in astonishment as he slung it over his shoulder with his own bag.

My brow furrowed in confusion, but thankfully my tears dried up. "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to carry you," he stated simply.

I was speechless as he finished, and I was sure my expression questioned his sanity just a little. "But… you… no…"

"No buts, Alice," he said, silencing me. "If you can't walk through there on your own then I'll do it for you."

I opened my mouth to say something but he cut me off again as he raised his eyebrow at me. I guess I _was_ about to start my sentence with _but_.

I knew what he was doing, it was like reverse psychology. He was offering me an easier way out that he knew I wouldn't be able to accept, not unless I wanted to attract more attention to myself.

"No," I said, more firmly this time. "If you carry me now, people will be watching. If I don't do this now, what will I be like tomorrow, and the day after that? Will you have to carry me in then, too?"

"If I have to," he stated simply, nodding. His offer was seriously tempting, and if there weren't as many people around, I most probably would have accepted. But I couldn't. I had to prove to them that I _could_ do this, and that I wasn't weak, and that I didn't need someone to rely on.

I looked back towards the gates, and noticed that there weren't as many people as there used to be standing in the parking lot. But even so, there were enough people to witness me walking through there, or Jasper carrying me in, as he'd offered.

I don't know how long I stood there staring ahead of me, but Jasper didn't once tell me to hurry up. He was patient, because he understood just how hard this was for me.

When I finally started moving, he was by my side in an instant. Again, he didn't say anything, and I silently thanked him because in my mind, I kept telling myself the same things over and over, just like before.

_There is nothing to be scared about. It is just a parking lot. There is nothing to be scared about. It is just a parking lot._

I'd like to think that it worked, but it didn't, not really. It was as if someone was calling my name, telling me to look at them, taunting me. I tried not to look, but as I told myself to keep looking ahead, I felt my whole body shifting towards where it happened.

My memories were nothing compared to the real thing, but they were still clear enough for me to hear the sound of the wheels, and to see the way he was laying on the floor afterwards.

I felt an arm wrap around my shoulder, but it wasn't a comforting or soothing embrace. No, it was more forceful, as if they intended on making me move.

But I couldn't look away, even as Jasper instructed me to close my eyes and keep walking, I still didn't look away. Jasper's arm tightened around my shoulder, and we started moving quicker.

When the warmth of heating inside the school hit me, I closed my eyes and very nearly fell to the floor. Jasper was the only thing holding me up, and for a moment, I had to concentrate on my breathing, so that I didn't choke on the tears that were pouring from my eyes.

There were only a few people in the corridor, which was strange, considering it was the start of school. But I couldn't concentrate on that fact for long, as Jasper wrapped his arms around me, pulling me closer.

"Its okay, Alice," Jasper whispered as he held me tightly against his chest and soothingly ran his fingers through my short hair. "You're through the hardest part now."

The way he was holding me comforted me, and pacified the emotions that were running rampant inside my chest, until finally I had stopped crying. I pulled away, looking up at him straight away.

I opened my mouth to say something, but he stopped me with a quick, albeit weak smile, and shook his head.

"You have nothing to thank me for," he murmured. My brow furrowed slightly, and I wanted to ask him how he knew that I was going to thank him. But before I could get a word out, I heard Rosalie and Emmett call my name.

I quickly wiped at my eyes before turning to look at them. They would know that I had been crying, but in that moment, there was nothing I could do to prevent them from knowing.

I realised, as they looked at me, that this was the first time that they would have seen my new hair. It had grown back randomly by the time December arrived and it had looked a mess. Thankfully Mom had called a local hairdresser to come to the house to sort it out before I went back to school. It was short and the ends stuck out at random angles, it was different. That was all I could think of when I looked at it. Different, just as I was.

Emmett and Rosalie stared at me cautiously without saying a word. I didn't know why the silence angered me, it just did. Maybe it was the fact that they found it awkward to be around me? Or maybe it was the fact that they had tried on many different occasions to get me to talk to them, and yet now, they had the chance and they were the ones not speaking.

I stared at them, wondering if they were going to prove me wrong, but a second later, the bell rang then, making me jump. I looked at Jasper with an alarmed expression on my face.

I didn't share my first class with him. I had biology with Rosalie. But I didn't look in her direction as Emmett kissed her goodbye. I didn't need to see their public show of affection.

"You'll be fine," Jasper murmured, obviously sensing my anxiety. "Just pretend they aren't there. The class will be over before you know it. I'll see you in English second period."

I nodded even though I didn't believe a word he had just said about it being over before I knew it. If that were the case, it would already be over.

"Everything's going to be okay, Alice," he reassured me before giving me a weak smile then turning away. I still didn't believe him. I didn't miss the look his threw at Rosalie before he started to walk away with Emmett.

It was then that I realised I hadn't seen Edward or Bella yet, usually they would have been here by now.

"He's really good with you," Rosalie murmured as we stepped away from the spot we had been standing. I didn't reply because I didn't know what to say to a comment like that. I wasn't a baby; he didn't have to be _good _with me. When she realised she wasn't about to get a reply from me she went silent.

My hands were shaking, and I knew it was because of how nervous I was, as we reached the science block. There were too many people here, too many eyes on me, so it seemed. I tried to do what Jasper had said, and pretend that they weren't there, but it was futile.

There was too much noise here to be able to block it out. But finally Mr Banner let the class in and thankfully Rosalie took the seat right at the back. Intentionally or not**,** I still silently thanked her.

When Mr Banner spotted me his eyes widened slightly, but he diverted them just as quickly when he realised I was looking.

"It's nice to see you again, Alice," he exclaimed awkwardly, making everyone turn around to look at me. I stared at the desk with clenched teeth as I begged for them all to turn around. Only when Mr Banner started talking again did I look up.

Thankfully he gave us all new work to do which meant I didn't have to play catch up straight away. The room filled with low chatter as Mr Banner sat at his desk and signalled for me to go and talk to him. I think he realised I didn't like the attention, and so he didn't call my name out this time.

"Alice," he began. "It's good to have you back, but you missed a lot while you were gone. The material we learned in class will be on the end-of-the semester final and you're going to have to learn what you missed to pass."

I didn't look at him because I knew full well that I had missed a lot of lessons, and didn't need him reminding me. Thankfully, he continued.

"What I'm trying to say, is that in lieu of you being held back a year, we are offering you the chance to go to the after school classes the principal set up for seniors who are struggling with certain subjects."

"When are these sessions?" I asked, not knowing what else to say to him. His expression told me that he was pleased with my answer, almost as if he wasn't expecting me to cooperate.

"They will be starting again next week. It varies with each subject, but usually the Biology sessions are on Monday's."

I nodded and watched as he gave the awkward smile that teacher's always seemed to wear when they were finished talking and wanted you to sit down again. I looked back towards my desk, then back at Mr Banner again. He smiled again and reached for a stack of books on his desk.

I took as my queue, and made my way back to my desk quickly. When I sat down, Rosalie put her put down and looked at me.

"What did he want?" she asked, nodding to the front of the classroom.

"Just to tell me about the sessions Mr Green has set up after school," I told her, editing out the part where he said I'd missed some important classes. I wanted to evade that whole subject completely.

She nodded. "Yeah, I've heard about those classes."

I didn't respond, not really knowing what to say to her. She didn't say anything more as she picked her pen up and started on her work once again. We were both silent for a moment as we completed the work that had been set. It saddened me how much things had changed in such a small space of time. Rosalie and I were never this quiet, _never_.

But finally she broke the silence. "Emmett got his acceptance letter from West Point College yesterday," she murmured in a sad voice. I was filled with a brief spell of happiness. Emmett had dreamed of going to West Point for years and he had finally got his chance.

"You don't sound too happy about that," I replied, feeling grateful for the sudden change in topic. This was more like us, talking about things that were happening within our friendship group. It felt like the most normal conversation I'd had since the start of October.

She sighed. "I am happy for him. It's just…"

She didn't continue and I knew exactly what she wanted to say. "It's just you don't know how you will cope with being apart," I whispered in a broken voice. I _had_ been grateful for the topic change. But once again it led to the one thing I didn't want to think about.

"Yeah," she whispered back. "I'm sorry, I didn't think."

I bit the side of my cheek as I tried to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill. "You shouldn't have to think."

I closed my eyes as I felt them watering. If I started to cry then I would be drawing unwanted attention to myself. I felt Rosalie take my hand in hers. Her skin felt so warm compared to my own.

"You're so strong, Alice," she murmured as she squeezed my hand. "So much stronger than I would ever be."

I squeezed my eyes shut tighter. Was she deliberately trying to make me cry?

"Stop," I gasped. "Please stop talking about it."

I opened my eyes then just in time to see her nod and wipe at her eyes. So she had cried when I'd managed to hold them in, just. We barely talked for the rest of the lesson, but it wasn't as awkward as before.

"Would you like me to walk you to your next lesson?" she asked as we walked out of the classroom.

"I don't _need_ babysitting," I snapped a little more angrily than I should have done.

Her face puckered at the change of my mood. "I'm sorry, I just thought you wouldn't want to be on your own," she mumbled as she looked at the ground.

"Well you thought wrong," I lied. If it had been Jasper who was with me right now then it would have been me asking him to walk me to my next lesson, not the other way around. I wasn't sure why he was so different.

As soon as Rosalie walked away from me I started to regret my actions. I should have just sucked it up and told her that I needed her to walk me to my lesson. But instead I ended up practically running to lesson before the paranoia really managed to set in again.

When I got to the English block I immediately started looking out for Jasper. I saw him straight away and found comfort in the face that he was looking for me, too. I went straight towards him and pretty much pressed my body into the corner next to him.

"How was your first lesson?" he asked in a hopeful tone.

I grimaced. "Awful. I made Rosalie cry."

He frowned. "Ah. You want to talk about it?"

I shook my head quickly. "Not really. Let's just get this lesson over with," I muttered as I watched people walking into the classroom.

I couldn't help but think that the last lesson I had shared with Robbie was English. The realisation almost brought me to tears, but yet again I held them back somehow.

Thankfully Jasper still sat alone, and so I quickly took the seat next to him. I noticed that my old table was still empty, and it would stay that way, too.

* * *

It felt as if everyone's eyes were on me when I walked into the cafeteria with a very quiet Bella. It was as if I was the new student. Or as we always saw it, the shiny new toy that everyone stared at. Except I wasn't shiny or new, I was rusty, old and broken. Yet people still stared.

"Do you want me to get you some food so you can sit down?" Bella asked in a cautious voice.

The anger fizzled under my skin as quickly as the words came out of my mouth. "He died, Bella. I didn't lose the ability to pick my own fucking lunch," I growled at her.

Her bottom lip trembled and her eyes started to water. Great, she was the second person I'd managed to make cry. I would have to have a good crack at Emmett and Edward later to see if I could make them well up, too.

I snatched at a bag of chips that I knew I wouldn't eat, paid for them, and stalked off towards our table. Jasper wasn't sitting at the table yet and so I sat on the far end then slumped forward, not wanting to talk to any of them.

The resemblance to Jasper's first couple of times he sat at our table was uncanny. It was as if we had suddenly switched roles.

Bella sat down a minute later next to a nervous looking Rosalie. I didn't bother to look up at them. I felt someone slide down the bench towards me and I silently prayed that he wouldn't act like everyone else.

"Alice, do you want me to give you a ride home later?" Edward asked.

My prayer wasn't answered. "_Why_?"

He opened his mouth to say something but closed it once again. He hadn't been anticipating my reply.

"Well, there are so many people getting the bus, I just thought you would want a lift back," he replied in a far less confident voice. In fact, he sounded almost nervous. He had been right about the fact that there were so many people on the bus, but that didn't mean I was going to accept his offer.

"Jasper gets the bus every day," I stated evenly.

"What?"

"Jasper gets the bus every day yet you don't offer him a lift home, do you? But when my boyfriend dies you all suddenly assume that I am incapable of looking after myself."

"We don't think that," he replied. Maybe it was my mind playing tricks on me, but I could have sworn he faltered before answering me.

"Alice, we're just looking out for you," Rosalie murmured.

The muscles in my jaw tightened. "I don't _need_ looking after," I said through gritted teeth.

They all gave me a look that said they didn't believe me. I stood up abruptly, suddenly wanting to get away from them. But as I did so, Bella and Rosalie stood up as if they were about to follow me.

"Stop it!" I shrieked. "Just stop fucking _hovering_!"

The tears formed thick and fast in my eyes as I spun around and practically ran into Jasper who was just walking through the door.

"Alice!" he cried as I barged passed him and went outside. "Alice!"

I didn't answer him as I started running in a random direction. I could hear someone calling my name again. I didn't bother looking around to see who it was. But because of the tears in my eyes I didn't get very far before my knees buckled beneath me and I fell to the ground.

But just as I did, I felt a pair of arms wrap around my waist. When I turned to look at the person who had caught me I was surprised to see that it was Emmett, I had thought it was Jasper. But as Jasper ran up I knew that Emmett must have been making his way to the cafeteria and saw me running away.

I burst into tears once again not really knowing where these tears were coming from. Emmett crushed me against his chest, without saying a word, and allowed me to cry.

"What do you want to do, Alice?" Emmett asked as I pulled away. His question took me by surprise. He was the first to ask me what I wanted and not ask what _he _could do for me.

I was silent for a moment as I thought it through. I took that time to try and quell the tears in my eyes without prevail. "I want to go home."

Emmett nodded then helped me stand up. "I'll take you home, Alice."

"Where's my bag?" I asked as I looked around. Jasper stepped forwards them and handed me my bag. I don't know when he had got it. Maybe that was why he didn't chase after me straight away.

"Thank you," I whispered as I took the bag for him. But somehow he knew I wasn't just thanking him for giving me my bag. I was thanking him for everything he had done for me today.

He smiled weakly. "Its okay, Alice. Should I come to yours tomorrow morning?"

I thought about it for a moment. It was tempting to tell him that I wasn't coming back tomorrow. But I knew that if I did that, then it would be even harder the next time I decide to come back to school.

"Yeah," I sighed, then nodded.

I wasn't giving up that easily. I _was_ stronger than that.

And I would prove it.

* * *

**A/N****: I know, I know. It wasn't Jasper who 'saved' her. But he can't be the one there for her all the time. It would seem like a stuck record. Emmett is there for her, too, and Alice had to see that.**

**Please review, I'd love to hear what you thought of Alice's first day back at school. If you hated it and want to insult me, don't waste your time. **

**In my first draft of this chapter, Jasper does actually carry Alice into school, instead of her walking in. The response my beta gave me when she read that bit made me laugh so much. If you want to read the first draft of that section, then let me know and I'll send it over.**

**If you review, you get a teaser to chapter 25. My aim: 255 reviews.**

**I have a blog, it isn't very interesting, but it has stuff about my stories on there. You can follow the blog, or not. It's up to you. The link is on my profile, check it out.**


	26. Chapter 25

**A/N****: Chapter 25.**

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed. I seem to have gone down in reviews, so I hope I haven't lost some of the few readers that used to review the story.**

**I quite like the title of this chapter. It definitely sums up Alice's and Bella's friendship.**

**I've run out of ways to thank my beta, Juniper294. She knows how grateful I am for her help.**

**Disclaimer:**** If I was Stephenie Meyer, I would have already seen Eclipse by now. But guess what? I have to wait till the 9****th**** of July for that privilege. FML.**

* * *

**Chapter 25 - Even Together, We Stand Apart**

**15****th ****January 2009**

**Alice POV**

I had been attending school again for just less than two weeks now, and it still wasn't getting easier. I still couldn't stand in the parking lot. Hell, I could barely _walk _through there at a normal pace without wanting to break into a sprint. It was agony each time I walked past the spot where it happened, or I saw someone pull up in a red car similar to _the _car. I couldn't bear it, the heartache that kept hitting me every time I even looked in the direction of the parking lot. I just wished that it would vanish. I just wished the misery would decrease, even if it were just by a little bit.

I wished that I couldn't remember.

Jasper had been there for me at every step he was there, holding my hand, whispering comforting words into my ear, just being _there_ for me. He was my constant, and I couldn't have walked through the parking lot every day if I didn't have him by my side.

I just wished things could have been the same for the rest of my friends. After my outburst at lunchtime on my first day, things had been strange and awkward between us all.

Emmett had been the first to at least attempt to act normal around me. He managed to pull it off, and somehow we came to a silent agreement then when we were together, we were just Emmett and Alice. We weren't still grieving the loss of a close friend. We were just two friends, reconnecting.

It was the same between Rosalie and I, it had been awkward, like it had been with everyone else, but it took that one hour of Biology to turn things around. She'd told me something that had happened between her and Emmett, it was only something small, but she'd asked for my help, and for once there wasn't that look in her eye. That look that told me she was worried about saying something in case it upset me or made me flip out. I think she learnt her lesson after that first class.

Even talking to Edward had somehow gotten better. Just by helping each other with some homework, it had improved. It was just Bella, my best friend, my sister, the one I could share anything with and know without a doubt that I could trust her with my life, that I had a problem with. Whenever we talked, it was jilted or awkward. It was like something was missing, as if we'd lost something between us, and that scared me.

I could tell, from past experiences, that she had something on her mind. I knew there was something she wanted to tell me. But I knew, that if she was having trouble saying it, that it wasn't something I wanted to hear. And so I hadn't pressured her into telling me.

Then today, at the end of school, she'd asked me if she could come home with me and work on some Spanish coursework we had been set. I had agreed and she had come to my house as planned, we'd worked on the coursework as planned, but there may as well have been a wall between us instead of the mere inches that it had been.

And now, as we sat here in silence, I knew there was something she wanted to say.I could only assume from the way she kept shuffling awkwardly on the bed beside me, that she didn't know how to say what was on her mind. It must have been something big for her to act like this with me.

"Jasper seems to be around a lot," she began. There was a tone in her voice that I didn't understand. It was almost judgemental, but what she was judging, I wasn't completely sure.

"Yeah he is," I replied in a cautious tone. I didn't know where she was going with this.

"What kind of things do you talk about?"

"Everything."

"Everything?" she asked. Her voice rose slightly, and her eyes widened as she stared at me.

"Yes," I insisted. "Everything."

"But…" She seemed to lose her voice as her brow furrowed and she looked down at her lap.

"He understands," I said simply, not wanting to elaborate any further, and hoping that she wouldn't read too much into the comment.

"And what, I don't?" she replied with an inflection of hurt and confusion in her voice.

"I didn't mean it like that," I said, feeling the annoyance tainting my words, making them sound angrier than they were intended. "I don't know how to explain it. I just feel like I can talk to him about anything."

It was silent for a moment and I watched as Bella's features changed and tensed, I wondered what was going through her mind.

"But you barely _know _him," she murmured. And straight away I knew what was going through her mind. Anger and jealously.

"No, Bella, _you _barely know him," I snapped as the annoyance reached boiling point quicker than a click of my fingers.

"And what the hell is that supposed to mean?" she cried. I could see her hands were shaking now, she seemed as angry as I felt. "Actually, you know what? Don't bother explaining. Why don't you go talk to _Jasper _about it?"

With that, she stood up, and made it to the door in one step, yanking it open. I heard her run down the stairs and out the front door without another word. I sat there for a second, and then closed my eyes as a strange sound, that was a mixture of a squeal and a growl, escaped my lips.

I stood up, making my way to the stairs taking two at a time. I could hear mom coming out into the hallway. She'd obviously just heard Bella leaving and came to investigate.

"What the hell is going on, Alice?" she demanded. But when I walked straight passed her, she reached out, and took hold of my arm.

"Mary Alice, you talk to me when I ask you a question!" she scolded. I gasped silently at her tone of voice. It was the first time in a _long_ time that she had raised her voice to me in this manner.

"Look, I'm sorry that I shouted at you," she continued in a much softer voice. She must have seen the shocked expression on my face. "It's just your father and I have been talking, and we can't keep tiptoeing around you, wondering whether the next thing we say will put you back into a downward spiral."

I could feel my eyes watering as she spoke. I didn't know they had been talking about it with each other. I didn't know that _that _was what they were thinking. I pulled away from her and tried to blink away the tears. They were just the same as everyone else. They were my parents, of all people, they shouldn't be thinking about what not to say to me, just in case I had the wrong effect on me.

"Now tell me, what is going on?" she repeated, but in a much calmer voice, though she still crossed her arms over her chest. It was a stance she'd pulled many times when I was younger. She thought it made her look more authoritative.

"Bella doesn't like how much time I spend with Jasper," I stated in a neutral voice, not meeting her eye.

I turned around then and took a step towards the front door, but she called me back and demanded to know where I was going. I didn't even bother to turn back to her; instead I spoke over my shoulder.

"Where do you think I'm going?" I replied sardonically.

With that I grabbed my coat from where it was hanging by door, and walked out. I didn't bother looking back and kept walking until I was out of the street. The cold air whipped against my wet cheek and I wiped the tears away angrily with the palm of my hand.

I made it to Jasper's in record time and rapped on the door quickly; his mom answered. She took one look at my face and grimaced. Thankfully she didn't say a thing, and told me that Jasper was upstairs in his room.

I darted for the stairs and took them two at a time in my hurry, I quickly tapped on the door and heard Jasper's muffled 'yes'. When I walked in he was laying on his bed with a book on his lap, when he saw me he sat up and immediately placed the book on the side.

"What's happened?" he demanded as I made my way over to him. He stood up swiftly and I buried my face into his chest, sighing slightly when he wrapped his arms around my body. Jasper had such a soothing effect on me. He may not have been able to eradicate the constant dull ache inside my chest, but he calmed emotions that coursed through me.

"Bella came over," I stated. "She doesn't understand why we spend a lot of time together."

I swear I felt him tense as I finished. "And what did you tell her?"

"I told her that you understood," I mumbled. "She said I didn't really know you and when I told her that it was her that didn't know you, she flipped."

He hugged me tightly for a moment before pulling back slightly. "She's just upset that's all, she doesn't understand because she doesn't know, and so she's confused."

_Damn him!_ I thought to myself. How did he know exactly what to say every time something happened? He always had the right words to say to make the situation seem better.

"But for her to understand, would mean you telling her about Maria," I stated gradually, feeling unsure as to whether I liked that idea. All of a sudden he lost the colour in his cheeks, and his eyes seemed duller than usual. I shivered delicately at the nothingness within them. But as quickly as the change happened, it disappeared once again, and he was back.

"Yeah," he said slowly, he didn't seem too keen on the idea either. I wanted to question him on what just happened, it was as if he phased out for a moment. "It might help them understand our situation better though."

I nodded slowly in response. It did make sense, but the only problem was, was that I didn't like the idea of any of them knowing. Was it selfish of me to think that? Was it selfish of me to want to be the only one to know about Jasper's history?

"You don't need to tell them, Jasper," I replied softly. "It's not the only reason why I spend so much time with you."

It was silent for a moment and when I met his eye, he was giving me a strange look that made my insides squirm with an indescribable emotion.

"I just like being around you. You make me feel better when I'm around you," I admitted in a whisper. "And as I told Bella, I feel like I can talk to you about everything."

He didn't say anything after I finished. The silence made me blush, but then he murmured something so softly I had to look up at him to check whether he'd actually said it.

"Really?"

When I saw the look on his face, a tiny smile formed on my lips. "Really."

It was silent once again.

"I'm sorry for causing problems between you and Bella," he murmured, sounding sincere.

But I shook my head. "Don't be, it's not your fault. There's something missing between us, and it's as if..." I paused then, my lips faltered then closed as I shut my eyes. I could feel a small crease formed between my eyebrows as I tried to continue.

"And it's as if... Robbie... is the thing that's missing. There's a rift that is forming between us that keeps getting wider and wider," I whispered in a broken voice as a few tears fell from my eyes. "And I don't know how to abridge the gap."

"Things will get better between the two of you," he said in a soft, reassuring voice as he led me towards his bed.

"How can you be so sure?" I murmured as I wiped the tears from my eyes and sat down.

He sighed as he got himself comfortable next to me. "You probably don't know this, but I've recently started talking to two of my friends from Texas."

He smiled to himself, as if he had some kind of inside joke. "They were, and still are, my best friends. I hadn't talked to them since the start of May last year. You could say we didn't exactly end things very well. Actually, we didn't end things at all."

"What do you mean?" I asked as I inched forward, suddenly interested in hearing about something concerning his old life, in Texas. He rarely ever talked about his life before he came here. He'd certainly never talked about his friends. And so, while he was willing to talk, I would try to take in as much information as he was prepared to offer.

His expression twisted for a moment as if he was disgusted by something. But then he looked up at me with a tortured look in his eyes.

"I just wanted to get away from there. I didn't want to say goodbye to something that only caused me pain." He stopped then and looked down at his lap. "I never told them that I was leaving. Mom wanted to tell them, but I told her not to, and so she didn't."

He pulled a face as he thought about something unspoken. "They would have wanted to spend some time together before I left. I didn't want that. I hadn't spoken to them in four months by that time, and so I wasn't about to make amends before I left. You saw what I was like when I first came to Forks, I was even worse in Texas."

It was silent then and I wondered whether he was going to say something more, but he didn't.

"What made you start talking to them again?" I asked quietly. I wasn't sure whether he would answer my question or not. There had been a time when he would have scowled at me and told me to mind of my own business. But the Jasper in front of me was different, I realised, than the one I'd met back in September.

"I don't know," he murmured. He didn't meet me eye as he started playing with the sleeve of his sweater. "I think they had been on my mind for a while. But then I was talking to Emmett and I decided to call them. I was so close to cutting the call when it went straight through to voicemail. But I knew that if I did, then I wouldn't call them again."

I nodded thoughtfully as he finished. There was one question I was dying to ask. "How is it... when you talk to them?"

He thought over his answer for a moment. "We argued the first time we talked. There had been, and still are a lot of unsettled issues, but we got over most of them. And now… now it's just awkward sometimes, but we're getting there."

I nodded slowly and pursed my lips. "But how can you be so sure it will be the same between me and Bella?"

"You're already talking to her, Alice. That's why," he replied simply. "I hadn't talked to Peter and Charlotte and for seven months and yet we somehow managed to reconnect."

"You sound so sure," I mumbled as I bit my lip nervously. I wasn't sure how mine and Bella's friendship was going to be rekindled. Especially if she wasn't willing to understand that Jasper and I were growing closer everyday.

He sighed. "And you sound like you've given up already. Alice, how long have you known Bella?"

"Charlie brought her to the hospital the day after I was born," I replied instantly, I didn't have to think about it. "But we all met unofficially at the anti natal meetings our parents went to. That's where my mom and Jenny... Robbie's... mom met. We all went to the same mom's and baby's classes after we were born, too. Although it was only Charlie by that time."

He frowned in confusion at my words. "Bella's mom, Renee, died giving birth to her," I told him. When the confusion disappeared I knew I had answered his unspoken question. "My mom looked after her a lot when Charlie couldn't cope. We pretty much grew up like sisters."

"Well there you go then. A friendship like that can't be broken in a couple of months. Things will work out, Alice, trust me."

"I do trust you, it's just-" But he cut me off midsentence.

"Things will work out," he repeated in a final voice.

I sighed in defeat. "I hope you're right."

"I'm always right," he replied. But his eyes were too dark, his expression too neutral, to really be able to class his statement as a joke. I don't know why, but I got the impression that there was nothing behind what he had just said. As if there was something he _had _been right about in his past, and he wished that he wasn't.

"Alright, big head, I think I better go," I murmured as I stood up and stretched. When I glanced down at my watch I saw that it was already gone six in the evening. Time seemed to fly by whenever I was with him.

Jasper walked me to the front door, where we said our goodbyes. I was just walking away from him, when he called out to me.

"Hey, Alice."

I turned back to face him. "Yeah?"

"What you said earlier, about how you feel you are can to talk to me about things, me too."

He gave me a brief smile, which I returned, for once. "I'm glad you said that, Jasper. It means a lot to hear you say something it."

I didn't say anything more as I turned away once again and walked down the path towards the street. He'd already shut the door when I glanced back over my shoulder, but I still stared as if I could see him nonetheless. For he had finally admitted that he could talk to me about his problems, and that was all I ever wanted from the start.

* * *

**A/N****: I would say don't hate Bella for what she said. But you know what? Hate her all you like. I'm not overly fond of her myself. As the author, I can see things from her POV, and why she feels the way she does. But I'm with Alice on this one.**

**Please review! You should know how it works by now. If you review, I will give you a teaser to chapter 26. My aim: 255 reviews, like last time.**

**Have you seen my blog? Link is on my profile. I don't know why I am advertising it, as it is not overly exciting right now.**


	27. Chapter 26

**A/N****: Chapter 26.**

**I really like this chapter. It was fun to delve back into the Sylvia/Jasper relationship. **

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed! I've gone back up with my reviews again, so I'm happy.**

**Thank you, Juniper294, my super quick beta.**

**Disclaimer****: I don't own Twilight, and I don't want to either. I just want Jasper, and Edward and Emmett and Carlisle and… let's just say I want to own the Cullen's.**

* * *

**Chapter 26 – I Should Have Paid More Attention**

**24****th**** January 2009**

**Jasper POV**

The shop was quiet, just how I liked it. When it was quiet, I could just get on with the work that had been set for me. A new batch of camping gear had just arrived and needed to be put out on display as soon as possible. It was a boring job, but it was more exciting than sitting at the till waiting for a customer to come in.

I only had a little bit more to do and then I had to go hang some fliers up around the shop. Only one hour to go.

"Hey, Jasper."

I sighed. I spoke too soon about the peace and quiet.

"Hi, Mike," I replied in a far less enthusiastic voice.

"Not many customers today, are there?" he continued.

"Not really." It was quieter when you weren't talking, douche.

"Mom reckons there will be a lot of people in soon, buying stuff for the Easter break," he said, obviously trying to start up a conversation with me. I wasn't having any of it.

"Hmm," was all I said as I continued to arrange the products. I thought he was going to walk away. He didn't.

"So..." I had to suppress a groan. "Were you born in Texas? I think I recognise the accent."

I actually turned around so that he could see my eyes as they widened in disbelief. "No, I put the accent on. It's fake," I replied in a matter of fact voice. I waited for him to laugh at my dry humour, but he didn't.

Instead, his brow furrowed in obvious confusion. "Really? Why would you do that?"

_Was this guy for real? _"For the laughs, of course," I replied, trying to keep a straight face. I only just managed it.

"Oh," he mumbled, finally catching onto my evident sarcasm. I repressed the urge to roll my eyes at him.

"So," he began once again. "Were there any hot girls at your old school? Bet you had a couple of lady friends."

He chuckled to himself. I was obviously missing some inside joke he had with himself. Where the hell did _that _come from? Forget that, who asked that kind of thing anyway? Stupid douche really had to bring up girlfriends, didn't he?

"Haven't you got some work to do?" I growled at him, feeling the same old anger bubbling its way up my throat. I could tell my eyes were dark again, emotionless. He held his hands up in defence as he stepped away and disappeared around the corner.

I started placing the products more roughly on the shelves than before. And I had been in a good mood for once. _Good one, Mike._

The rest of the hour passed quicker than expected- thankfully. And lucky for Newton, he didn't bother me again. In fact I barely even saw him. I think he was avoiding me. _Good._

The walk home was silent and I found myself hurrying back, even though there was nothing to hurry back to. There were no sounds inside the house as I walked in, which wasn't unusual, as there was only so much noise a middle aged woman and a five year old could make.

"Mom? Emily?" I called out, wondering where they were. When I didn't get a response, I realised they must have gone out. But as I walked further into the house, I knew that they hadn't.

The keys fell from my hands as I saw mom sitting at the kitchen table with a bottle of Jack Daniels in front of her. The anger flared in my chest quicker than the click of my fingers. What the fuck did she think she was _doing_?

"What the hell is going on, Mom?" I cried as I stormed into the room and snatched the bottle from the table. My hands were shaking with anger as I stared at her, nostrils flaring. I tried to calm myself down by taking deep breaths when she didn't answer me.

"How can you be giving in that easily?" I continued. When she didn't answer me again I finally looked at her properly. And it was then that I saw her tear stained cheeks and red eyes, it was then that I saw the shakes that violently coursed through her body. She was broken, and I was shouting at her.

The anger drained out of me as quickly as it was produced. I placed the bottle back on the table and knelt down in front of her. She didn't look at me. Her eyes were fixed on the bottle.

"Oh, Mom," I murmured as I enveloped her in my arms. I could feel her shaking against my chest, and I could hear the sobs escape her lips as the tears as the poured from her eyes.

"I thought things were going well with your meetings," I whispered more to myself than her. I thought she had been fine. What kind of son was I?

"They were," she said so faintly that I had to strain my ears to hear her. She was crying so much that her words were marred. "But it's so hard... I can't stop myself sometimes. It just... it just gets too much."

I hugged her to my chest tighter. "I try... I really do try," she sobbed. She choked on her words as more tears trickled from her eyes. I tried to hold her, I tried to stop the shaking, but I couldn't do anything. I was useless.

How did I not notice this was happening? I knew what the signs were. I knew what to look for, so why didn't I see it and try to stop it from getting this bad? Except I knew the answer, I didn't even have to think about it. I had been pretty much ignoring her, and focusing on Alice and her problems, not realising that Mom needed me more. I hadn't been paying attention when I should have been.

"Why didn't you tell me things were getting bad again?" I asked her. I could hear the guilt in my voice, I was certain Mom could too.

She sniffed quietly. "You've been so occupied with everything," she replied. "I just... I didn't want to drag you into my mess again."

It was silent for a moment, but then as an afterthought, she added. "I didn't want to see the disappointment in your eyes."

"Disappointment…" I said breathlessly. I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth together. How could I tell her that I wouldn't have been disappointed in her when I'd gone and reacted the way I had moments ago. But before I could say something, she started speaking once again.

"Please, Jasper," she whispered in a hoarse voice. "Get rid of it. I can't have it in the same room as me."

I nodded quickly, knowing what she was referring to. I grabbed the bottle and took it out of the room. I didn't know what to do with it, but I knew I had to hide it somewhere Mom wouldn't find it.

And my room was the only place I could think of. I pushed my door open and stopped short when I saw Emily sitting my bed, colouring in her drawing pad. She was wearing my hat again, which made me smile weakly, despite the situation. When I walked up to her, she looked up at me and smiled.

I quickly placed the bottle of drink into my bottom drawer and made sure it was completely hidden before going to sit on the edge of the bed next to Emily.

"What are you doing in here, Ems?" I asked as I looked down at the picture she had drawn. It was a picture of the two of us, just like she always drew. We both looked happy in that picture, as usual.

"Mommy told me to stay upstairs," she whispered, almost as if she didn't want Mom to hear her speaking. "Is Mommy okay?"

I exhaled slowly and brushed some of her hair behind her ear. "Yes, sweetie, she's okay."

She smiled but she didn't look convinced, she rarely bought my lies. "Can I go downstairs now?"

I shook my head slowly. "How about you stay up here a little bit longer and draw me a picture?"

"Will you put it on the wall when I finish?" she asked with hopeful eyes. How could I ever deny her anything?

"Of course, sweetie. I'll put it right here," I said as I pointed to an empty space right next to my bed. "Make it nice and colourful for me, okay?"

She nodded then started a new sheet in her drawing pad. I kissed her softly on the forehead then stood up and left her alone once again. I slowly made my way downstairs, feeling cautious about what was about to happen.

When I got back into the kitchen I found her sitting in the exact same position. Although her posture wasn't as tense, I could only assume that was because the bottle of alcohol was no longer in her sight. I felt another wave of guilt wash over me. There were all those tiny signs that added up to create one big picture. My mom was an alcoholic with a serious problem. And I had been doing nothing to help her get over the addiction.

"Come on, Mom, lets go into the other room," I murmured as I stepped towards her. We needed to have a talk, a _proper_ talk about what caused this relapse. It was a talk that we needed to have for a long time now. There wasn't anyone else she could talk to, so I had to be the one to do it.

She got up then without my help and made her way into the other room. I followed right behind her and watched as she sat down on the couch. She curled her legs up in front of her and wrapped her arms around them.

I sat down next to her and turned so that I was facing her. I pulled my legs up onto the chair and crossed them in front of me. She was completely silent for a full minute before I decided to break the silence.

"So, are we going to talk about this?" I asked in a quiet voice. I didn't know how to approach these kinds of topics. I didn't know what to say, I didn't know what you weren't meant to do. But it wasn't as if I could go to someone for advice on how to handle situations like these. I didn't have anyone.

"What is there to talk about?" she asked after a while. She seemed reluctant to have this conversation, and in that moment, it was as if the roles had reversed. She sounded like the child, not wanting to talk about it, while I was suddenly the parent, trying to solve the situation. It was wrong to think that way, and a part of me wanted to get as far away from the situation as possible. But we had to do this. We couldn't keep putting it off, and pretending that it wasn't happening when it was.

I frowned. "How about what started it off this time?"

I watched as her eyes flickered towards me and met my own. I grimaced when I saw the pain inside them. How had I been ignoring this?

"I'm lonely, Jasper," she finally whispered. My heart broke a little bit more at how broken her voice sounded. "I don't have any friends here. There's no one to talk to… I get so lonely sometimes. Even my own daughter doesn't talk to me as much. She's only five years old, but she knows. And she goes to you when she has a problem. And when she can't sleep at night, she used to come into my room and get into bed with me. But she doesn't do that anymore."

I looked away from her then, finding myself unable to look her in the eye anymore. The guilt was flowing through my body stronger than ever. She was lonely, and I was one of the few people she could talk to. And yet I hadn't. I'd been talking to Alice. I'd been making sure that _she_ wasn't lonely.

"There must be someone," I began, but stopped as I tried to think of something to say. "What about at the AA meetings? Is there not anyone there who you could talk to?"

She seemed to shake her head, but then she stopped and looked down at her lap as if there was something she wasn't telling me.

"What is it, Mom?" I prompted when she didn't say anything. I knew there was something she wasn't saying. I could see it on her face.

"It's just… there is someone…" she murmured reluctantly. "His name is Felix. Do you remember I told you about him?"

I tensed at the mention of this _Felix_ again. I hadn't liked the sound of him when she'd first mentioned him back in October. Did this mean she was still talking to him? Even after all these months?

"Yeah, I remember," I answered her nonetheless. "What about him?"

She seemed even more reluctant to answer my question than before, which made me anxious. What was so bad about him that she didn't want me knowing about? Surely it couldn't be _that _bad.

"He understands," she breathed as she peaked up at me. "He knows what its like to… to have someone… leave."

I grimaced as I realised what she was reluctant to talk about. We didn't mention my father very often. It was almost like a taboo in our small family. We didn't mention him, nor did we acknowledge what it was he did to us. Maybe that was part of the problem. It seemed as if we preferred to pretend that things weren't there than facing them.

"His wife, she walked out on him, she took his children, too," she continued in a sad voice. "She left him because of the alcohol. And so he understands about that, as well."

I nodded slowly as she finished. I didn't know what to say in response. I still didn't like the sound of him, nor did I like the relationship they seemed to be forming with each other. But I could understand why she talked to him. He was probably one of the few people who really understood.

And because he understood to a point what it was like to have someone leave you, then he'd be able to talk to her about that too. This had been something I was unable to do with her for a very long time now.

The phone started ringing then, which made us both jump. I slowly got up from the chair and made my way over to the phone.

"Hello."

"Hey Jasper." It was Alice. What good timing she had.

"Hey," I murmured. It seemed as though I was unwilling to say Alice's name. It would only prove the point Mom was trying to make.

"Do you want to come over?" she asked. "My parents have left me on my own and I'm bored."

I sighed and looked back at Mom. She was staring across the room aimlessly. I wasn't sure if she was listening or not. It didn't seem as if she was. In fact, it looked like she wasn't doing anything, _at all_.

"I'm sorry," I sighed. "But I'm not really feeling up to going out. Maybe you can call someone else?"

I closed my eyes and hung my head, I felt a little guilty for lying and turning her down, but I couldn't tell her the truth. Mom didn't have anyone to talk to about her problems, and I didn't have anyone to talk to about them either. Not even Alice, because it wasn't my secret to tell.

"Oh… okay. I'll see you on Monday, I guess," she replied. The timbre of dejection was evident in her tone. I grimaced when I heard it. She had been expecting me to say yes, obviously.

I turned back to Mom once I'd placed the phone back on the receiver. She didn't look up at me when I sat down. So I began to talk.

"Mom, you and Emily are the two most important people to me in the _world_. I don't _care _if I'm busy. I don't _care_ if I'm preoccupied. Because you are more important to me than whatever I would be doing. So you tell me if something is wrong, no matter what it is, okay?"

She turned to look at me then, with tears in her eyes. I watched as she nodded her head and bit her bottom lip. She then slowly raised her hand to my cheek and brushed her thumb along it.

"You're such a good boy, Jasper," she whispered as a sad smile ghosted across her lips.

"It's just the way you raised me, Mom," I replied. The weak smile on my face most likely mirrored hers.

"You don't deserve to have that sadness in your eyes," she told me in a very quiet voice.

"Nor do you, Mom," I breathed as I took hold of her hand and squeezed it tightly. She met my eye then and I could feel the sad aura that surrounded her. In that moment, I knew that I wouldn't stop until that sadness was completely eradicated. I would bring the happiness back into her life, no matter how long it took to do so.

* * *

**A/N****: I feel sorry for the Whitlock's. They don't really have people to go to, being so far from home.**

**Please review, if you do, I'll give you a teaser to chapter 27. My aim: 284 reviews.**

**This story was recommended on a darker twilight blog. Vegetarianvamps recommended the story to **_**them**_**, so I want to thank her for that. It is very cool to see my story mentioned there.**

h t t p : / adarkertwilight . blogspot . com/2010/06/watery-tuesday-rec-lost-in-orbit . html?zx=24fc9d257f90c8f1


	28. Chapter 27

**A/N****: Chapter 27.**

**Thank you to everyone who read and reviewed, it means so much to get the response I do. ****I love all the little comments Juniper294 makes when beta reading these chapters. They do make me laugh sometimes, in a good way, I promise.**

**Disclaimer****: Twilight isn't my story, Lost in Orbit is. Shame I can't own the characters I write about.**

* * *

**Chapter 27 - The Girl in the Purple Pyjamas**

**14****th**** February 2009**

**Jasper POV**

It was February fourteenth. Or, as the majority of the world knew it, it was Valentine's Day. It was another _first_ that I had to endure without Maria, the same firsts that were becoming the bane of my pitiful existence.

To make matters worse, it was my birthday tomorrow. I'd stopped getting excited about my birthday once I'd turned thirteen. Life just couldn't get any better.

I trudged downstairs in my pyjamas. I had planned to sleep through most of the day, but when I'd opened my eyes, I had an annoying headache that seemed to increase in pain the longer I remained laying down. So it was just after ten thirty, and I was bored out my brain.

To add to the shitty day, Karen had closed the shop for the day, as she and her husband – who shared an uncanny resemblance with his son, douche boy Mike – were going out for the day. So I couldn't even go to work and submerge myself in sorting through camping gear.

Mom had left earlier in the morning to go to work, on the way she had dropped Emily off at the Cullens' house. Esme had asked Mom last week if Emily wanted to go with their daughter, and her friend Jacob, to the zoo. Apparently Esme's fulltime nanny was taking the kids out for the day.

So I was alone. Alone on Valentine's Day. Things just got better and better, and it wasn't as if I could go hang out with Emmett and Rosalie. Recently Alice and I had been spending more time with them out of school. It was comforting having someone else to hang around with.

In all honesty, I'd almost forgotten what it felt like to spend time with people like that.

I was halfway through cleaning my bowl of cereal when the doorbell rang. I quickly dried my hands and made my way to the door. I couldn't help but feel elated when I saw Alice standing in front of me with desperate expression on her face.

"I've seemed to have misplaced my calendar," she began, with an almost crazy expression on her face. "I am unable to tell you what date it is today. In fact, there isn't actually a date for today. Today is nameless. Nice pyjamas by the way. So I've decided I'm not going to mention anything about what today is."

I nodded, understanding what she was getting at. I'd rather sit through a whole day of Calculus than talk about Valentine's Day.

"Can I come in?"

She didn't need to hear a response, as I already had the door wide open, waiting for her to step inside.

"You don't mind me coming here, do you?" she went on to ask as I shut the door behind her. "I just felt like lazing about in my pyjamas, and I thought you were the best person to do that with."

I merely rose my eyebrows at her. "Of course I don't mind you being here. You're a lifesaver, seriously. I'm near enough driving myself fucking insane, and I've been up all of about twenty minutes."

"Good," she muttered as she rummaged through her bag. I smiled when she pulled out a pair of pyjamas. She really wasn't joking, was she?

"You can get changed in the bathroom," I told her, with a slight smirk on my face. She nodded objectively, and then disappeared out the room. Things had suddenly got so much better today. With Alice here, I didn't have to worry about driving myself up the wall of insanity.

When she came back in she was wearing dark purple pyjamas that had silver stars all over them.

"So what do you want to do then?" I asked. "Oh, and nice pyjamas by the way," I added, repeating the words she'd used earlier.

"Well… I thought we could watch films, eat a load of take out and generally be a bit slobbish," she replied.

"Sounds like a plan, what films do you want to watch? I've got loads."

"Basically anything that doesn't have two people falling in love as the main story line," she replied, I agreed immediately, I certainly didn't want to watch anything with love being the main storyline.

"What about a horror?" I asked, knowing that I had a wide range of horrors that we could watch. She thought about it for a moment then nodded enthusiastically.

"You got many horror films at home though?" she asked. I smiled cunningly and told her to follow me, I led her up to my room where all my DVD's were kept, her eyes widened when she took in my large collection of films.

"Oh my god, do you love horror films or something?" she asked; I just nodded as she crouched down looking at the titles. "I don't know which one to pick," she added.

"Pick a few," I told her. "I've got classic horrors, mess with your mind horrors, supernatural horrors, vampire horrors, shit your pants scary sort of horrors then downright gory horrors. You name it, I've got it."

"Hmm… I reckon shit your pants scary sort of horrors," she answered. That surprised me. I wasn't expecting her to choose them. But I just shrugged silently. She knew what she was getting herself into. I reached for one of the DVDs from the shelf and handed it to her.

She looked at the cover and seemed almost excited about the prospect of watching a scary movie. "You're full of surprises, you know that Alice?"

She just shrugged. "Well if you're going to scare yourself silly it, you may as well do it properly, right?"

"I like your thinking," I told her as we made our way out of my room.

"Shame I didn't bring my duvet with me to really make put the proverbial cherry on the top of the cake," she muttered.

"We'll use mine then," I told her as I handed her the DVD and went back into my room to get the duvet cover.

When we got downstairs, Alice settled down on the sofa with my duvet while I placed the DVD in the player. I contemplated shutting the curtains but the film would be creepy enough without adding to it.

I made my way back to where Alice was and sat down next to her, she moved the duvet over so that I could get under as well. I couldn't help but notice how easy it was to just be comfortable around each other.

"Your duvet smells nice," Alice muttered. It was so out of the blue that I couldn't help but chuckle.

"My duvet smells of me," I corrected her, she didn't make any other comments and so I started the film.

I'd seen the film a few times at least which meant I knew exactly when the scary bits were coming; obviously Alice hadn't watched the film before. At the first scary part, Alice screamed. The second time something scary happened Alice scrambled underneath the covers, and shuffled closer to me. I felt the action strangely comforting.

When the movie reached its climax, she hid her face against my side, not wanting to watch. As she sat there, with her face pressed against my side, I felt like wrapping my arm around her shoulder, but instead, I told her when it was 'safe' to look up again.

When the movie finished Alice sat there in silence for a moment, I thought briefly that she looked slightly pale, but as she turned to me, a strange smile on her face I knew I was about to be shocked once again.

"What should we watch now?" she asked, sounding too enthusiastic. "I say something that is mess with your mind scary."

I stared at her in disbelief. "You mean you want to watch another one after watching that?" I asked, and she merely nodded.

She hopped out from under the covers and ran upstairs without another word, when she returned she had a DVD clutched in her hand.

"Alice, I don't know, that one is pretty creepy," I warned her, as she got of the DVD from its casing.

"Hence why I picked it," she replied, as she placed the DVD in the player and pressed play.

"Crazy girl," I said, shaking my head. She stuck her tongue out at me as she came and sat down next to me. I couldn't help but smile when she scrambled under the duvet once again and snuggled up next to me. I was rather comfortable.

"I heard this film was based on real events," she whispered, there was an edge of intrigue and terror in her voice.

"Scare tactics," I muttered. "It makes it all the more scarier when they say that before the film starts."

"I heard that Mike Newton went to see it when it came out," she continued, and I wondered why she was mentioning that douche. "Apparently he came out crying his eyes out."

We both burst into fits of laughter at the visual of Mike Newton running from the cinema bawling his eyes out. The fact that it was the first time I'd ever heard us both laughing like this didn't go unnoticed by me. It seemed as if I was happier today, or at least I was smiling more than what I usually did. Alice made all the different, and even though today was meant to be sad, considering I wasn't with Maria, I was actually enjoying myself. In fact, I was probably enjoying myself more today, than what I have in a long time.

"What a douche," I muttered after we'd both calmed down.

"I know," she agreed, a small chuckle escaping her lips.

As the movie started, our laughter died down and we both went silent. I felt Alice move closer to me as the first scene started to play, she might have wanted to watch the movie, but I could see it scaring the hell out of her.

* * *

"Oh my god," she whispered as she peeked her head from above the covers. "I don't know how I'm ever going to sleep tonight."

I shook my head in amusement. She did kind of bring that one on herself. "Well you can stay here tonight. You have got your pyjamas after all."

We both froze as the words escaped my lips. That was going just a little bit over the line of comfort. It was one thing sitting like we were now, but asking her to stay over? On Valentine's Day no less… aw crap.

"I... I don't know," she stuttered. I closed my eyes and started inwardly cursing at myself. I was such a fucking idiot.

The front door opened literally at the same moment and I heard Mom call out to me as she shut the door.

"In here, Mom," I said, grimacing slightly as Alice shifted and sat up, neither of us looked at each other.

Mom poked her head around the door frame then smiled when she saw Alice. "Oh, hello, Alice, I didn't realise you were here."

"Hi, Sylvia," she replied, returning the smile.

I could see that Mom had noticed we were both in our pyjamas, but thankfully she didn't comment on it.

"Are you staying for dinner, Alice?" she asked as she made her way into the kitchen and started making herself a drink. Alice looked over at me briefly then got up and made her way into the kitchen. I got up and followed, I was actually getting kind of thirsty.

"I'm not sure," Alice replied, looking at me again as I walked into the kitchen. "Jasper just asked me if I wanted to stay over."

I stopped what I was doing and turned to look at her, she was actually _telling _her? Because earlier wasn't awkward enough for her, she wanted to add my _mother _to it as well?

She looked away from me, as if my staring was affecting her. "And I just wanted to check whether it was alright with you first," she continued as she turned to look at Mom.

"Of course it's alright," Mom replied. "I'm not sure where you'll sleep, but I'm sure Jasper will sort something out. Won't you, Jas?"

I nodded at her. I doubt that I would have been able to say anything anyway. I turned then and looked at Alice, who was smiling at me softly. That girl really was full of surprises today.

"You guys go do whatever it was you were doing before I interrupted, dinner won't be ready for a while yet," she told us as she turned back to the fridge. A slight smile formed on my face as I watched her bustling around the kitchen. It seemed as if things were picking up again after her relapse last month.

It had been hard at first, and I could really see the effect it was having on her in the days that followed her relapse. She seemed to move slower, and look tired, older, even her general appearance seemed to take a hit.

I tried my best to help her out around the house. Such as helping her with dinner, and taking on the responsibility of looking after Emily. I liked to think that I helped her get back to how she was now. She seemed happier, more energetic, but most of all, she was my mom again, the mom I wanted to remember, not the one I wanted to forget.

"We were watching horror movies," Alice exclaimed, glancing at me briefly with the same smile she had earlier when talking about the movies.

"Oh, Jasper, you're not scaring Alice with all those horrors, are you?" Mom exclaimed, turning to face me with her hands on her hips.

"No!" I said, pretending to act wounded by her words. "Alice wanted to watch them as well."

"Hmm." She eyed me sceptically for a moment. "I don't know how he watches them," she muttered, turning to address Alice. "All on his own as well!"

"You mean you don't sit and watch them with him?" Alice joked. Mom laughed and shook her head.

"Oh, I'm far too faint hearted for those types of films," she replied as she smiled at me faintly.

She shooed us away after that telling us that we were distracting her from the dinner. We went back into the other room, we were going to watch a DVD, but then Alice mentioned about going home and picking her stuff up for later.

"But I really can't be bothered to get changed out of my pyjamas," she grumbled as she picked up her bag and frowned at the clothes she'd worn when she came here.

"You lazy bum," I muttered then chuckled when she stuck her tongue out at me yet again. "You could just stay in them and walk to your house in them?"

She looked at me I could tell she was about to make a comment when a smile slowly spread its way across her face.

"You have to wear yours too though," she exclaimed. I stared at her, my eyes wide with surprise. I didn't think she'd actually do it.

"Fair enough," I said, shrugging, it wasn't a problem for me. "Not like there will be people out anyway, they are all celebrating this unnamed day."

"Yeah and let's keep it unnamed as well," she muttered darkly. I could tell she hated it just as much as what I did.

We went and said goodbye to Mom. When we told her we were going to Alice's to pick up some things, she eyed us like we were mad. But once again, she didn't comment on the pyjamas.

Alice wore her coat over the top, which meant only her purple, star covered legs were on show. If anyone looked at me, they would assume I was some lowlife who didn't wish to change into proper clothes. My pyjamas didn't really _look _like pyjamas. They were just a plain white t-shirt and a pair of old sweats. But if they looked at Alice, they would think she didn't have both oars in the water.

Thankfully, we didn't bump into anyone, although deep down, I knew we were both secretly wishing someone would walk around the corner and see us. When we got to Alice's I allowed her to step in first. When Jackie saw what she was wearing her eyes almost fell from their sockets.

"What the hell are you doing walking around in your pyjamas?" she shrieked, I could tell it was the shock that made her react like that.

"I couldn't be bothered to change into my normal clothes," Alice replied, shrugging her shoulders.

Jackie shook her head in disbelief. "You lazy bum."

"That is exactly what I said," I exclaimed as I smirked at Alice who once again stuck her tongue out at me.

"Anyway, Mom, is it alright if I stay at Jasper's tonight?" Alice said. I watched Jackie's expression wondering how she would take to the idea of Alice staying at mine tonight.

"Yeah that's fine," she replied, smiling at us both. "Your father and I are probably going out for val-"

Alice and I simultaneously covered our ears.

"No, no, no. Don't menti-" I exclaimed.

"La, la, la. Don't menti-" Alice cried at the same time.

We both turned to look at each other then burst into laughter. Jackie eyed us both as if we'd just sprouted another head, as she waited for us to calm down. But there was a look in her eye, and a smile on her face, that told me she was noticing the way Alice was laughing, just as I had earlier.

"Anyway," Alice said as she turned from Jackie and pulled me by the hand out of the room. Alice took hardly any time at all to gather the things she would need, but I noticed that she took stuff I wouldn't have even thought about.

When she was finished we went back downstairs and said goodbye to Jackie before walking back towards my house. But this time, we did walk into someone. It was an old couple, probably in their seventies.

When Alice and I walked passed them I saw the woman shake her head and make a tutting noise. It didn't faze either of us. We didn't care what others thought about us. We were just two crazy people walking through town in our pyjamas.

Mom was still busy in the kitchen when we got back to the house. We left Alice's things by the front door and went into the kitchen to tell her we were home. When she saw we were home she merely chuckled and went back to stirring the food.

"What?" I asked, too curious to leave it be.

"Nothing," she said, then shook her head as if disagreeing with herself. "I just can't believe you both went out in your pyjamas!"

"We're lazy bums," Alice replied nonchalantly. Mom smiled at the comment but didn't say anything more, we were about to go back into the other room when Mom called my name.

"Don't be watching any horrors now, Emily will be home soon, Esme said she would be dropping her home," she said, waving the stirring spoon at us as she spoke. "I don't want Emily having any nightmares because of what she's seen on the TV screen."

"Yes, boss," I said as I saluted her. She muttered something under her breath before turning back to the cooking.

* * *

As expected, Emily came home about half an hour later. She eyed Alice cautiously as she entered, she still hadn't gotten used to her yet. But as she started to tell us about the day she'd had at the zoo, she seemed to forget all about Alice being a stranger to her.

The rest of the evening seemed to fly by after that, Mom helped Emily for bed at 7.30 which left Alice and I to do whatever we wanted, we decided to watch another movie, but knowing that Emily was upstairs asleep we chose an action movie. We certainly weren't going to pick a romantic comedy.

And even though the film wasn't even remotely scary, Alice still shuffled towards me as the opening credits started and I found myself moving so that we could sit together comfortably under my duvet.

There was a hell of a lot of shooting during the movie, a couple of the times it made Alice jump. And at one point, when she jumped, the bottom half of her leg moved so that it was lying underneath my own. Neither of us moved our legs.

Even though we'd barely done anything all day, we both found ourselves yawning as the movie came to an end. And the thing about yawning was that if you saw someone yawn, you automatically yawned yourself. It was as if we kept going around in circles.

"Stop yawning," Alice grumbled as she kicked me under the covers. I narrowed my eyes and nudged my body into hers lightly. She kicked me again, which led to me nudging her back until we were fighting between ourselves in a war that neither of us was going to win.

"You're such a child," I muttered when she started to pull the covers off of me. She rolled her eyes at me but continued to pull them away from me.

"Says you," she replied. "How old are you going to be tomorrow? Four, wasn't it?"

"Hah fucking hah, Alice," I muttered then winked at her before yanking the covers from her in one pull. "It's five, actually."

"Well, its way over your bedtime then, isn't it?" she said, raising her eyebrows at me.

"It's way over yours as well," I shot back. "What are you? Like three and a half now?"

She flipped me off before jumping from the chair and walking out of the room. I knew she wasn't mad at me, and so I gathered up my duvet then followed her outside where she was waiting with her bags in her arms.

"Come on, Jasper, its beddy by time," she said in a childish voice. I rolled my eyes at her but followed her as she made her way upstairs. When we got up the stairs, we both made our way into my bedroom. Alice dumped her bag by the door and pulled out her sleeping bag from inside it.

"You don't have to sleep on the floor," I told her, frowning at the idea of her having to sleep on the hard and very uncomfortable floor.

"Where else will I sleep?" she said with a chuckle as she laid the sleeping bag out on the floor.

"You can sleep in my bed," I replied. Of course! Why did I not think of this earlier? Her lack of response made me look in her direction. Maybe she hadn't heard me properly. But then she looked up at me, her cheeks were a pink colour.

"I... I don't know," she mumbled. "Wouldn't that be a bit... awkward?"

My brow furrowed in confusion. "Why?"

Her eyes widened slightly as they met my own for a moment. It looked as if she wanted the ground to swallow her up, and I honestly couldn't think why.

"Well, you know... you and me..." Her cheeks filled with more colour as she looked at the floor. "Wouldn't it be a bit cramped?" she said, rushing over her words.

Then my mind caught up with me. She thought I was asking her to share the bed with... oh god. I felt my own cheeks heat up.

"I... um... I meant that I... would sleep on the floor," I whispered awkwardly. She looked up at me then as her cheeks turned a deep, _deep_ shade of pink. She looked too mortified to speak.

"I'm going to the toilet," I said quickly, using it as an excuse to get out of the room. I didn't hear her response; I don't think she gave one. As soon as I was in the bathroom I slumped down on top of the closed toilet lid and placed my head in my hands. This really wasn't my day.

God dammit, Saint Valentines, _this is entirely your fault_.

I waited five minutes before I went back into my room, when I got in there I found her sitting in the middle of my bed.

"You decided to take the bed then?" I said as I grabbed some spare bed sheets from the cupboard.

She smiled softly. "Well, you did offer..."

I smirked to myself as I laid down the covers and bed sheets, I _would _make this floor comfortable. As I was doing so, Alice settled herself into my bed. I looked up at her and saw that she had her back pressed against the wall, something I noticed she did a lot when she slept.

Once my own makeshift bed was ready I laid down, shuffling to find a good comfortable position. It really wasn't all that bad. It was no comfortable mattress, but it would suffice for the night.

"Jasper..." Alice began. Her voice was quiet, thoughtful. "Thank you for today, you really take my mind off... things."

"You do the same thing for me," I murmured.

It was silent for a moment. "Jasper..."

I smirked to myself. "Yes, Alice?"

"Happy birthday," she whispered, I could hear the smile in her voice. I glanced at the digital clock on my bedside table, it was 12.01. My birthday.

"Thanks," I muttered, not really feeling enthusiastic at all. I heard her shuffling on the bed. She didn't say anything more after that. I continued to stare at the clock on the table. By the time I looked away, it was 12.05am. I had been eighteen for a whole five minutes. A whole five minutes of a birthday I wasn't celebrating with Maria.

Just thinking about Maria depressed me, making any happiness I had been feeling from the previous day, evaporate completely.

Happy freaking birthday to me.

* * *

**A/N****: What did you think of this chapter? You can definitely see that Alice and Jasper are healing. I'd love to hear what you thought about it.**

**Like always, reviews get you teasers to the next chapter.**** My aim: 297 reviews.**

**However, if someone gets the 300****th**** review before I post the next chapter, then they can request a teaser from whatever chapter they wish. I have 49 chapters left in this story, so you have a lot to choose from. I know that it isn't much, but it's something, I guess.**

**I'm finally getting to see Eclipse tomorrow! RAWRsper here I come!**


	29. Chapter 28

**A/N: Chapter 28.**

**I'm not 100% sure about this chapter. It's not one of my favourites, but I hope you like it anyway.**

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed, seriously, I'm so happy. I got to 300 reviews! That is just crazy.**

**This regular updating schedule is all thanks to Juniper294. Without her, I doubt I'd have all the readers that I do.**

**Disclaimer****: ****I don't own Jasper, and after seeing how RAWR he was in Eclipse, I wish that I did.**

* * *

**Chapter 28 - Part of the Gang**

**15****th**** February 2009**

**Jasper POV**

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JASPER!"

I barely even had time to open my eyes, let alone register her voice before I felt her dive on top of me. She'd done that every year since she could walk.

"Thanks, Ems," I groaned as I sat up and snatched her into my arms. I stood up, throwing her over my shoulder in the same movement. She squealed manically as I carried her out of the room so that she didn't wake Alice. But then I heard her moving behind me and I knew she was awake.

I turned to look at her, and smiled as she murmured a happy birthday to me before excusing herself to the bathroom. I carried a now silent Emily downstairs with her slung over my shoulder.

I found Mom making breakfast, it smelt like waffles. I smiled, she'd cooked me waffles for breakfast for as long as I could remember. It was like a tradition for us now.

"Happy birthday, Jas," she exclaimed as she came forward to hug me, I placed Emily down on top of the table then returned Mom's embrace.

"Where's Alice?" she asked as she turned back to the breakfast.

"She's in the bathroom, she'll be down in a minute," I said as I went and sat down at the table next to where Emily was now perching on the edge. She was such a tiny thing that she didn't even tip the table.

Mom served my breakfast just as Alice walked in through the door. She gave a smile I recognised all too well to Mom as she came and sat down next to me. It was the kind of smile you gave people when you wanted them to believe that you were okay.

"Would you like some waffles, Alice?" Mom asked as she served up another plate full. Alice nodded and took the plate from Mom as she handed it to her.

"So, what are your plans for today then?" Mom asked as she picked Emily up off the table and sat her on one of the empty chairs.

I shrugged. "I don't know. Nothing," I answered. I barely wanted to do anything to celebrate these days.

"What?" Mom cried, astonishment lacing her tone. "You have to do _something! _It's your eighteenth birthday!"

I sighed, knowing she wouldn't let it go easily. "It's just a number, Mom."

She shook her head in disbelief. "An important number though, Jas," she said then turning to Alice, she continued. "Don't you agree, Alice?"

Up until that moment, Alice had been eating her waffles with far too much concentration. She was trying very hard to not be in the conversation. I was certain she didn't want to celebrating any more than what I did, even less so, in fact. She most probably didn't want to turn eighteen, knowing that Robbie would never hit that milestone age with her.

It was silent as she looked up at Mom, who was patiently waiting for an answer from her.

"Um..." Alice breathed as she looked at me for help.

"Okay, okay," I said as I raised my hands in defeat. "I'll go out later and _celebrate._"

Mom nodded objectively then went back to eating her waffles. Just as I was about to start eating myself, I felt Alice's bare toes bump into my leg. I looked at her from the corner of my eye and saw what she was trying to get across to me.

_Thank you._

I brushed my own foot against her leg inresponse.

_No problem._

I heard her sigh as she turned back to eating her waffles.

Mom shooed us upstairs as soon as we finished our breakfast so that we could go get changed. My phone started ringing just as Alice left the bedroom. It was Charlotte.

"Hey, Char," I said as I answered.

"Hey, birthday boy, how's your day been so far?"

"Um, good, I guess. Mom's shooing us out of the house though. Apparently I have to celebrate."

I was almost expecting Charlotte to ask about Mom. Both her and Peter knew about my father, and they also knew that Mom was going down the same route he took. I never talked about it with them, but it was kind of hard to miss, considering they'd seen her drunk more than once during the day.

"Us?" she asked, sceptically, not mentioning Mom at all. Of course, she _would _pick up that one word.

"Yeah," I said, drawing out the syllables of the word, not knowing what to say. "My friend is here, too."

It was silent for a moment. "Wow, he is there early."

I grimaced at the almost judging tone in her voice, and I didn't bother to correct her when she said 'he'. In another situation, it might have been funny how she straight away assumed it was a male friend.

"They stayed over last night," I told her, choosing to say 'they' than telling her the truth. "That's why they are here this early."

She giggled. "Jasper, did you have a sleepover?"

I glared across my room at nothing in particular. "No, Charlotte. I didn't have a sleepover. You know I hate that word."

Just as I finished, the door opened and Alice stepped in. I looked at her straight away, and I was still glaring.

"Jasper, do you know where my-" She stopped dead when she saw the expression on my face.

"Jasper, is that a girl**'**s voice Ihear?" Charlotte asked incredulously. A flash of anger passed over me at her words.

"Yes, it is. But I don't see why that matters to you," I snapped at her. Alice's eyes widened and she just stared at me.

"Don't you dare, don't you fuckin' dare turn this around on me, Jasper Whitlock," she scolded, sounding hurt. "I think I have a right to know what's goin' on, especially when there's a girl spendin' the night at your house all of a sudden. It doesn't take an idiot to notice what this looks like."

I gritted my teeth. "Well this isn't _what it looks like,_ Charlotte," I spat. "Do you really think I would do that? Do you not know me at all?"

I heard her sharp intake of breath on the other line. I rubbed my hand over my forehead as I closed my eyes. I really shouldn't have said that, of all people, I shouldn't have said it to her. Charlotte was the kind of person who only had a handful of close friends instead of having a lot of random acquaintances. The friends she did have, she knew to the core, and to question whether she really knew me, was one of the worst things I could say to her.

"I'm sorry I bothered callin'. I hope you enjoy the rest of your birthday," she said. Her voice was quiet, her accent thick. I could hear the tears she was crying as she spoke.

"Charlotte!" I exclaimed, suddenly feeling like a total fucking jerk. But the line went dead before I could say anything more. I sighed angrily and chucked the phone onto a pile of clothing on the floor, before throwing myself back onto my bed.

"Jasper?" Alice said cautiously. I heard her take a step towards me and then felt the dip in the mattress as she sat down. "What just happened?"

"Something real shitty,that's what," I grumbled before sitting up to face her. "What the fuck is wrong with me, Alice? Why do I have to react to_ everything_? I'm like a bomb. All it takes is one small thing, and boom, I'm angry, and not just the normal, every day anger. It's like the fucking all consuming anger."

She didn't answer, because she didn't know what to say. I groaned and looked at the phone on the floor.

"She heard you talking when you came in and asked if I was with a girl. And it was instant"- I clicked my fingers to emphasize my point –"and I didn't do anything to rein it in. Urgh! She called to wish me happy birthday for fuck sake. How did I manage to turn it into an argument?"

"I'm sorry, Jasper," she mumbled. "If I hadn't of walked in…"

I sighed. "Don't apologise. I was the one who overreacted, not you. I'm the one to blame."

She frowned as she watching me with wary eyes. I ran my hands through my hair before getting up off the bed and picking up my phone.

"I'll be back in a minute," I muttered as I made my way downstairs and out the front door. I walked straight towards the wall at the bottom of the yard and sat upon it.

I was still angry, but angry at myself this time. I was losing it too easily too often these days. Hell, it was just a couple of words that set me off this time. Would it get worse? What would it be next time? Would it be someone looking at me in the wrong way? Or would it be someone using strange body language around me?

I laughed heartlessly to myself. I needed serious fucking help.

I opened up a new text message, but stopped and just stared at the screen. What was I going to say? _I'm sorry? _No, that was too easy. _I'm a jerk? _No, she'd only agree with me. I decided to go for the truth.

_Her name is Alice. She is a friend from school, a really good friend and she was staying over my house because neither of us wanted to be alone yesterday. She's just a friend, Charlotte. You must know I'd never be with something right now._

It was a rubbish message, but it would have to do. I clicked send and sat staring at the screen once again. Would she reply? Would she ignore me? Or would I get an angry call from Peter later?

I was interrupted in my thoughts as my phone vibrated. It seemed as if she was choosing the former option instead of ignoring me or getting Peter to deal with it for her.

_You're an idiot, Jasper, a really big fucking idiot at that._

I let out a short chuckle as I read over her message for a second time. I guess I deserved to get a message like that. I started thinking about how to reply. I was probably just going to agree with her, when I got another message through.

_But thank you for telling me. That was all you had to do, Jasper. There wasn't any need for you to get pissed off at me._

I sighed. She was right, as she nearly always was. There really wasn't any need for me to get pissed off.

_Do you think I don't know that already? I get so angry sometimes, over absolutely nothing. I kick off when someone asks me a personal question. I snap at them when they try to get to know me better. And when you asked me about Alice it reminded me of all those times where people were asking me questions that I didn't want to answer. So I reacted the only way I knew, and that was to shout. I'm sorry, Charlotte. You shouldn't have had to see that._

I shook my head as I read over the longwinded textI was sending her. But I needed to explain it to her. I needed her to understand why I reacted the way I did, even if it made her think I needed help. She replied a minute later.

_I didn't know it was that bad. Shit, Jasper, what's happened to you? When did it get so bad?_

She wasn't expecting me to answer, I knew that. But I still thought about the answer. What happened to me? My heart was broken, that's what. And it happened the moment _she_ left the world.

_I changed._

I clicked send and turned off the phone as I heard someone walking towards me. I placed the phone in my pocket, even though it felt like a tonne of bricks now. I would deal with that later.

"You okay?" Alice asked as she came to stand next to me. I shook my head, unable to speak. She sighed and she wrapped her arm around my shoulder as best she could from our position. I didn't return the embrace. I just sat there, staring at the ground. I didn't deserve her comfort right now.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked after a moment of silence.

I shook my head again. "Not really."

"Okay," she whispered as she allowed her arm to fall away from my shoulder. It was silent again, and I felt bad for being so offhand with her.

"Thanks for offering, though," I told her as I turned so that I could see her face. "I just don't really want to go into it right now. Come on, it's my birthday. I should be _celebrating_."

"No, its okay, I understand that you don't want to talk about it," she said before signalled with her head for me to follow her. "Come on. Let's go do something to take your mind of things."

I nodded and allowed her to lead me back inside the house. I straightened out my expression just so that Mom and Emily didn't notice something was wrong and start questioning me.

* * *

_"_So, what now?" Alice asked as we stepped outside, we'd sat around for an hour after we'd gone back inside. But Mom kept making subtle hints that I should go out, and so we left before she could get any more obvious.

_"_I don't know," I said as we started walking in a random direction. Alice had her things with her just in case we didn't go back to mine later.

_"_Why don't we drop off your stufffirst?"

She nodded. "Okay."

Then as an afterthought, she added. "Oh, I have your present at home as well. We can get that at the same time."

_"_You didn't have to get my anything," I told her honestly.

_"_Yes I did," she shot back immediately. "Although, it isn't just from me, it's a present from all of us. It's really not very much and you probably won't actually want to use it... but I hope the sentimental values it holds will make up for that."

I frowned in confusion. "Sentimental values?"

She smirked slightly. "You'll have to wait and see, I'm not telling you anything!"

I pretended to pout at her but couldn't quite pull it off and we both started laughing.

Jackie came out with a large envelope in her hands as soon as we stepped in through the front door. Alice barely even had time to put her bags on the floor before the envelope was forced into her hands.

She didn't look like she wanted to open it at all. In fact, she looked like she wished it never arrived.

_"_What is it?" I asked her as I peered at the front of the envelope. It looked pretty official.

_"_It's my reply letter from Oakland," she murmured as she continued to stare at it with cautious eyes.

_"_Well, come on, Alice!" Jackie cried in anticipation.

Alice glared at her, and straight away, I knew that she wasn't going to cooperate. "If you're so fussed, then you open it."

I wasn't sure what to do as Alice held out the letter, rather rudely, in fact, to Jackie, not looking at her. Jackie looked disappointed at Alice's behaviour as she reached for the envelope. She slid her finger underneath the envelope tab and opened it. For some reason I was suddenly feeling very tense and it wasn't even my letter.

I glanced at Alice briefly as Jackie opened the letter and read the contents. She looked like she was trying not to care, but I could still see the curiosity in her eyes as Jackie read the letter.

A smile broke out across Jackie's face a second later. "You have been accepted!" she cried. "Oh, my baby, I'm so proud of you!"

She reached forward then and pulled Alice into an embrace. But Alice pushed her away and snatched the letter out of Jackie's hand. I took a step back, shocked at Alice's behaviour. Jackie's expression was heartbreaking, and I suddenly felt as if I was intruding on something neither of them wanted me to see.

_"_This means _nothing_ to me," Alice spat as she screwed up the letter and threw it to the floor. "I'm _not_ going to college."

With that she stormed towards the stairs and disappeared up them. I was frozen to the spot, not knowing whether I should go after Alice, or console Jackie. I watched as Jackie bent down and picked up the letter, then straightened it out.

_"_She has been looking forward to going to Oakland for so long now," she murmured in a saddened voice.

_"_I'll talk to her," I promised her, not knowing what I would achieve. "I don't think it'll change her mind though."

She sighed. "I don't think anything will, not now."

_"_It's worth a try," I replied, trying to sound optimistic. She gave me a dejected look before nodding and signalling for me to go talk to Alice. I made my way upstairs and knocked on Alice's door. She didn't bother telling me I could come in, but I knew she was in there, so I walked in.

_"_If you're coming in here to persuade me to go to college then you're wasting your breath," she informed me as soon as I stepped in. She sounded so resolute. Jackie was right; nothing would change her mind now. But I'd still try.

_"_You have to go to college, Alice," I told her in a firm voice. Her eyes narrowed as I finished. She didn't look pleased.

_"_I've already told you that you're wasting your breath," she snapped. I tensed my jaw but didn't say anything in response.

_"_You've put too much into this to throw it away," I continued, trying to go at this from a different angle.

She let out a quick, humourless laugh. "How'd you know? You weren't here."

I was slightly taken aback at the sharpness in her tone. "Don't be like that, Alice."

She was silent for a moment before she sighed. "I'm sorry, okay, I just… I don't want people telling me what to do."

I nodded, I could understand that. "But college is a big step in your life. It's not something you can just decide on quickly."

"Are you going?" she asked as soon as I finished speaking. She took me by surprise. I hadn't been expecting her to ask that question.

"No, I'm not," I replied, then continued before she could say something. "But that is only because I can't afford to go to college right now."

"Well then I'll stay here with you," she told me. "Or do you want me to go and leave you here on your own?"

I opened my mouth to say something but closed it again when I decided not to say it. "It doesn't matter what I want, Alice. If it means I have to be here on my own, then so be it."

"I can't leave, Jasper," she mumbled. I couldn't answer her, because I didn't know what to say.

_"_I don't want to miss his anniversary, I have to be here for the… first year," she whispered so quietly that I wasn't sure if I heard her correctly. But I knew that I had.

I was silent for a long moment. "I'm not in Texas," I finally whispered back to her as I shuffled forward and sat next to her.

_"_Then you're much stronger than me," she replied with a sigh before resting her head on my shoulder. Neither of us said anything else after that for a very long time.

_"_I'm sorry," she said, yet again. "I'm ruining your day."

_"_You're not," I reassured her.

She snorted softly. "If you say so."

Then as if she'd just remembered something, she hopped off the bed without another word, went over to the wardrobe and retrieved a bag. I watched her in confusion as she turned back to me and handed me the bag.

_"_We need get today back on track," she said as she signalled with her hand for me to look inside the bag. I couldn't help but smile when I realised it was my birthday presents.

There were two packages inside the bag. I couldn't decipher what they were as I pulled them out of the bag and laid them out on my lap. They felt flimsy, as if they were made of material.

_"_Open them then," she prompted after I gave her a quizzical look.

I smiled and tore open the wrapping paper of the first one and pulled out the t-shirt within, I couldn't help but laugh when I saw the '_I love Forks'_ logo on the front of it in large print.

"Don't laugh," Alice said, but I could hear the amusement in her voice. "Open the other one," she instructed, and I did as she said. It was another t-shirt, similar to the one before except this one said Forks Spartan on the front.

"We all have one of those, well technically Emmett's doesn't fit him anymore, but anyway," she continued. "Emmett started it off by giving one to Bella and then she gave one to Rosalie and then she gave one Edward and then he gave one to..." she paused then and grimaced. I was certain she was going to say Robbie. "Well you get the picture."

"So now you're giving one to me," I said, smiling at the symbolism of it all. Now I understood what she meant by sentimental value.

"Yep," she said, popping the 'p'. "You're officially a part of the gang now."

Then after a second, she continued, "As I mentioned before, we all chipped in for those. They aren't some stupid tourist shop t-shirts, they are custom made, you have to order then in advance."

"Remind me to thank them all next time I see them," I murmured, flashing a brief smile in her direction. Her phone buzzed quietly as soon as I finished speaking. She reached for the phone and read the message.

"Why don't you thank them now?" she said as she stood up and signalled for me to follow her. "Come one, they're just walking down my road."

We made our way downstairs and out the front door. Jackie didn't bother to come see us as we left. We were about to step out of her gate when Alice turned back to me.

"Please don't tell any of them about my letter from Oakland," she told me in a pleading voice. I stared at her for a short moment before nodding. In all honesty, I hadn't even thought about telling them that she had been accepted at Oakland.

She seemed happy with my response and turned away from me once again. We made our way out of her front gate and sure enough, at the end of the road were Edward, Emmett and Rosalie walking towards us.

"Hey, birthday boy," Rosalie exclaimed as soon as we were in earshot, and then as soon as we were close enough, she gave me a hug.

"Hey! Let go of my girl, I've got some birthday beats to dish out," Emmett boomed a second later. "You're eighteen now, right?"

I raised my hands in front of me as Rosalie and I stepped apart. "I like my arm too much for you to punch it off, thanks."

"I can spread them out all over your body if you like," he said as he started to chuckle. I couldn't help but laugh along with him as I let my hands fall down to my sides again.

"Jasper, run," Edward said in a half serious voice. "You would think he was joking, but Emmett and Henry, his older brother, gave me my birthday beats last year. I had bruises after they finished."

Emmett started laughing and ruffled his hand roughly through Edward's hair. Edward chuckled and slapped his hand away.

"Where's Bella?" Alice asked after Emmett had stopped laughing. It was silent for a moment as I looked around. It hadn't crossed my mind that Bella wasn't here. I hadn't even thought about her.

"She said she had something important to do with Charlie," Edward told us as he shrugged his shoulders. "But she told me to say happy birthday to you though, Jasper."

"She couldn't even come out to say happy birthday?" Alice asked. I think we all noticed the harsh tone in her voice.

"Alice, it doesn't matter," I said, trying to reassure her. "I'll see her tomorrow at school anyway."

Alice pursed her lips but didn't say anything more even though I could tell she wanted to say something else.

"So," Emmett began, obviously sensing the awkward cloud that was currently hanging over us. "What do you want to do now?"

I shrugged. "I can't go back home just yet, I think my Mom would kick me back out the door and demand that I celebrate."

"There isn't that much you can do to celebrate around here," Rosalie muttered. We all nodded in agreement.

"Unless we illegally acquired alcohol from somewhere," Edward added. "Jasper's the oldest here, but even he wouldn't pass for twenty-one."

"Yeah, remind me again why I'm hanging around with you kids again?" I joked as a smirk formed on my face. "Maybe I should start hanging around with people my own age from now on."

"Oh, very funny, Jasper," Alice muttered. But she couldn't stop the small smile from forming on her face.

I took that chance to look around at my group of friends. They were all here to see me, and not just because it was during school times, but because it was my birthday. It was in that moment that I realised I truly was part of the gang.

* * *

**A/N****: What did you think of this chapter? Jasper needs to stop blowing his top every time someone asks him something personal, but I understand why he does, of course. Bella, Bella, Bella, I have no comments regarding that girl's behaviour.**

**Please review! If you review, I'll give you a teaser to chapter 29, just like I always do. My aim: 313 reviews.**

**I got twitter. Follow me: FrozenSoldier.**


	30. Chapter 29

**A/N****: Chapter 29!**

**Firstly, this chapter is a bit out of the blue. It kind of a standalone chapter, and I even contemplated taking it out. But my beta told me to keep, so here it is. I hope you like it.**

**Like always, I want to thank Juniper294 for being my beta.**

**Also thank you to everyone who reviewed. Each and every response makes me so happy. I never expected my story to get all the reviews that I have. I'm way over 300 already! *claps***

**Disclaimer****: Hmm, let me see, now what do I own in this chapter? I own Robbie and his gravestone. Yep, that's about it.**

* * *

**Chapter 29 - Hatred**

**1****st**** March 2009**

**Jasper POV**

It was Alice's eighteenth birthday next week, her first birthday without Robbie. It was something we were all aware of, and yet no one mentioned it. She didn't have anything planned for her birthday, very much like my own eighteenth last month, neither of us really wanted to do very much at all.

I'd gladly spend the day with Alice, eating Chinese, and watching crappy horror movies one after the other. Exactly how my own eighteenth and Valentine's Day had been spent. Strangely, I had loved it.

But of course it was Alice's day, and she had Rosalie, Emmett, Edward and Bella to take into account. I knew for a fact that they would want to celebrate her birthday with her.

So we were at a loss, I knew, from past experience, that she wouldn't be in the partying mood. Hell, I wasn't even in the partying mood, and come next month it would have been a year since Maria. I shuddered at the thought.

_"_Jasper," she began, thankfully taking me away from my current thoughts. We were currently walking through Forks, wasting time. I didn't know what she was about to say to me, but I could sense it in her tone that it was something she had had on her mind for a while, just never finding the right time to say it.

_"_Yes, Alice?" I asked, trying to keep my voice neutral.

She bit her lip slowly, rubbing her hand against her neck subconsciously. Whatever it was, it was hard for her to say. She only ever bit her lip when she was nervous about something.

_"_It's just… there's something I… I wanted to know," she began, she was practically mumbling. "Before… before Robbie…" But she didn't continue.

_"_Yes," I prompted in a soft voice.

_"_It's just that, I know he didn't… like you," she stuttered. My eyes widened slightly, _that _I wasn't expecting her to come out with. It was a bit of an understatement, he didn't like me? The guy despised me completely. But where was Alice going with this?

_"_Did you hate him, Jasper?" she whispered, watching me closely for my reaction to her question. I tried to control my expression but I knew I didn't quite pull it off. What the hell was I going to say to her?

_"_I… I…" I couldn't finish my sentence. I didn't have a clue how to answer her question without hurting her feelings. I looked down at the ground shuffling my feet awkwardly. It was silent for a moment between us.

_"_Oh," she gasped. My silence was just an unspoken way of telling her that what she had asked was true, that I had hated Robbie. I looked up at her, meeting her eye. I grimaced slightly as I saw the hurt expression on her face.

She nodded slowly to herself as if she was trying to decide her next move. She took a step away from me, still nodding. She didn't look me in the eye against as she carried on moving away.

_"_Alice, wait," I said, reaching out with my hands. But she carried on moving backwards. Even from where I stood I could see the tears in her eyes, I wanted nothing more than to go to her and tell her that I was sorry over and over again.

_"_Please, Jasper," she whispered. "Just let me go for a bit."

I nodded and lowered my hands in defeat. She turned, and started walking away from me. My eyes didn't leave her until she was gone completely from my sight. I thought for a moment whether I should follow her, whether I should go after her now and talk to her, explain why it was I hated him. But I knew I had to let her go, she needed to be alone, I could see that in her eyes.

So I decided to walk towards Alice's house, and wait outside. When I reached her street, I sat down on the step in front of her house, bringing my knees up to my chest and resting my head in my arms. I closed my eyes then and tried very hard not to think about anything. I would wait here for her to come back, I would give her the time that she needed to be alone, and then we would talk.

* * *

**Alice POV**

He hated Robbie.

Jasper hated Robbie, my Robbie.

It was all I could think about as I walked away from him. It shouldn't have hurt so much to know that he didn't like him. It wasn't as if Robbie was friendly towards him, it wasn't as if Jasper's hatred was uncalled for. Yet his obvious silence to my question hurt me as if he had said he hated me, too.

I kept walking, not really paying attention to where I was going. I had thought I was heading back home, but when I looked up and realised I was staring at the large iron gates in front of me. I knew straight away what I needed.

I was going to see Robbie.

It was the third time I'd walked through them since he'd died. I didn't want to think about the last time I had walked this exact same path. I didn't want to think about the stress and worry that I had caused so many people by doing such a reckless thing.

It was strange, as I walked towards him, how easy it was for me to find him. On the day of his… funeral – I shuddered visibly – I had barely been aware of where I had been going. On his birthday, the snow was thick on the ground, and that made everything just seemed _different, _and yet as I walked towards him, I knew I'd be able to pick him out of a million gravestones.

This time, as I sat down, the ground was dry, almost rock hard. Such a sharp contrast to what it had been like the last time I'd been here.

_"_Hi Robbie," I murmured as I sat down. "I'm sorry it's been such a long time."

It was silent for a moment as if I were waiting for him to reply, it still hurt to know that he never would. I sat for a moment, brushing away stray leaves and dirt from around the headstone, and then, with a shaking hand, I wiped at the stone with a tissue I'd found in my pocket.

It was still hard to see his name etched into the headstone, and I found myself reaching towards his name, wanting to be closer to him somehow. I allowed my fingers to idly run over his name, drawing and redrawing the curves and flicks of each letter engraved on the cold stone.

I don't know how long I sat there. I didn't say anything more. Instead, I played with the grass that swayed slowly in the breeze. It was so quiet here, peaceful almost, which was strange, given the location. But it gave me time to think about what had happened earlier with Jasper. It allowed me to think about what he had said.

"I don't know what to do," I began, my voice breaking slightly as I finished. "He told me he hated you, Robbie."

"It hurts," I whispered, feeling the tug on my heart as I thought about Jasper's silence when I'd asked him if he hated Robbie. "It really hurts to hear him say that he hated you."

I closed my eyes then as I felt the tears spring in my eyes, making them sting as the breeze reacted with them.

_"_But I don't hate him because of that," I said, realising that it was true. I didn't hate Jasper; I don't think I ever could. "Is that wrong of me, Robbie? I know that you didn't like him, so am I betraying you if I don't hate him?"

I didn't hate him. A part of me, a selfish, self-centred part of me, wanted to hate Jasper for hating someone that I loved. But there was the other part of me, the more practical side that knew hating Jasper wouldn't get me anywhere.

I stood up and looked down at his grave briefly and smiled, I ran my hand over the top of his headstone, leaving my hand there for longer than necessary.

_"_I don't know when I'll be back, Robbie," I whispered, feeling the emotions rising up my throat. "But I love you with all my heart."

I turned away then and slowly walked away back towards the exit. With every step, there was a slight falter in my step, as if I was forcing my legs to move. I knew it was my mind and body indicating that I was putting distance between me and Robbie once again. But as I got nearer to the exit, I turned, knowing that if I took another step, Robbie would go out of sight.

"Goodbye, Robbie," I breathed, my voice thickening as tears burned my eyes yet again. I then took that last step, trying to stop the tears from spilling over.

I pondered over the idea of walking to Jasper's straight away and going to see him, I could still see his face as I told him to let me go. He looked so hurt, so upset. I knew without a doubt that I had to go talk to him, being with Robbie right now had cleared my mind. It gave me time to think, and now I knew I was ready to go see Jasper. I turned in the direction of home, wanting to wash my hands first.

But as I rounded the corner to my street, I realised that I didn't need to think about going to see Jasper, because he was crouched on the step just outside my house. His knees were tucked up under his chin and his head with resting face down into his arms.

He didn't look up as I got closer, he probably didn't even know I was there yet. I contemplated calling out to him, but instead I decided to sit down next to him. He jumped slightly as I sat down, but as he saw it was me he exhaled softly but appraised me cautiously, as if he expected me to shout at him.

_"_I'm sorry," he whispered, and all I could do was nod at him in response. I didn't know what I wanted to say, nor did I know what I wanted _him _to say to me, and so I remained silent.

_"_I want to explain why I… why I felt the way I did," he murmured whilst looking at me intently, his eyes shone with sincerity. I knew straight away that I'd listen to everything he had to say.

_"_Things were hard for me back then. It had been five months since… Maria and it was hard, _really_ hard to be away from her. Then there was you and Robbie, the perfect couple. You were what Maria and I used to be, and it hurt to see the similarities. Then that day, do you remember how he acted with you? Do you remember the way he ignored you? It made me so mad to see him do that to you because he _had _you, he had it all."

It was silent for a moment as I took in what he had just told me, of course I could remember that day. I could remember the way Jasper had looked at me when he'd asked if I was alright, I could remember seeing the concern in his eyes.

_"_I wanted to protect you," he murmured so quietly I could easily have missed it. "I wanted to comfort you about something your own boyfriend did to you. I didn't want to think of it then, but you reminded me so much of… of her. Then you'd told me about your bracelet, the one with all the charms, and how you had known him all your life. It felt like you were rubbing salt into my wounds, the similarities just kept growing and growing and I… I hated him."

He exhaled angrily, not looking in my direction anymore.

_"_I hated him because he had what I didn't, and he didn't _deserve_ you. The way he treated you that day was uncalled for, and he kept rubbing it in my face constantly, making me remember, making me see how perfect you both were. He thought I was jealous, and I was, but not because he had _you _but for what he had in general, and he took it all for granted. I hated that, and I wanted to tell him."

He stood up then and started pacing in front of me, I could tell it was getting to him, it was most probably the first time he was letting it all out.

I could barely move from my spot on the floor, it was so much information to take in, it made my head ache. But now, as I sat there watching him pace, I didn't feel hurt to know he hated Robbie anymore, because I understood that now. I could see clearly why he felt that way, how could I _not _see that.

Now all I could feel was the pain that I knew I caused Jasper, it had been so unintentional, but I had done that to him. He had suffered alone.

* * *

**Jasper POV**

_What am I doing? What am I _doing_?_

She was going to _hate _me for what I had just said. I couldn't believe I had just let it all out like that. I hadn't even let her respond; I just kept talking and talking. How many times did I tell her that I hated him?

_Fuck!_

I'd royally fucked this up between us now, I must have done. If it were me, I'd kill anyone who'd say they hated Maria. _Just look at her,_ I thought to myself, she was sitting there, scrunched up in the same place I left her. She wasn't even looking at me. She was just staring aimlessly at the floor.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck!_

Why the hell couldn't I just tell her that I didn't hate him? Why did I have to say all that? _I'm so fucking stupid._ Why didn't I just lie?

_She would have known if I lied to her._

I sighed internally, of course she'd of known I was lying to her. I'd known from the start that she was one of the few people who could read me like a book.

_"_I'm sorry."

I spun around. She was looking up at me with tears were shimmering in her eyes, making them glisten in the light.

_"_What?" I gasped, incredulous.

_"_I'm sorry," she sobbed. "I didn't know… I didn't… I didn't mean to hurt you, I'm sorry."

She was apologising for hurting _me?_

_"_Why? Why are you apologising to me? I'm the one that should be apologising to _you_," I said, rushing over my words as I knelt down in front of her, taking her face in my hands so that she looked in the eye.

_"_That was months ago, Alice, and yet here I am, hurting you," I murmured. I hated myself right now for doing that to her. _Why couldn't I keep my mouth shut?_

But she was shaking her head as if what I had said was wrong. She reached up and curled her fingers around mine, which were still on her face.

_"_No," she murmured. "Don't you see? If I was in your place I would have hated him too. I even feel it now, seeing Bella and Edward, Rosalie and Emmett. It physically hurts to see how happy they are. And I end up hating myself because I envy them, I envy them so much because they have it. They have what I lost."

_"_You can't help how you feel," I told her.

_"_That counts for you as well, Jasper," she murmured. I could tell she was trying to make me feel better. But how could I?

_"_But I hurt you," I whispered.

_"_You're right, it _did _hurt me to hear that you hated him, it hurt me more than what it should have done. But you told me everything, you told me why you felt that way and I understand."

I bit my lip and looked down at the ground. I hadn't told her everything, there was one more thing that she didn't know, and I didn't know whether I really wanted to tell her.

_"_Jasper," she began, her voice was quiet, almost fearful. "What aren't you telling me?"

Of course she'd know I was hiding something, nothing escaped her.

I took a deep breath and began. "The day he"- I paused –"when it…" I stopped again, not knowing how I was going to carry on. "He told me to leave you alone, to stop talking to you," I whispered. I couldn't believe I was telling her this now, after all this time that had passed.

I heard her gasp. I didn't want to look up at her, to see her expression. This wasn't going to help her. Knowing this now would make her feel worse.

_"_What did you do?" she whispered, I wasn't expecting her to ask me that.

I looked her in the eyes, momentarily wondering why she was asking this. Surely she would know that he had made me livid. Did she really need me to taint her memories of him?

_"_I told him that he couldn't tell me what to do, and that it was you who talked to me," I told her. I saw her grimace slightly at the last part. I was hurting her again, I could tell, just by making her remember.

_"_You were angry."

I nodded slowly, though _angry _barely covered what I had been feeling that day. "It made me so angry because he was warning me away from you. He could tell I was so fucked up that he actually had to tell me to stay away."

She stared me in the eyes for a long moment. Neither of us was able to break the gaze. It was only when a car drove down the road that we looked away. She sat up, so that she was on her knees, and wrapped her arms around my body. I was motionless for only a second, before I wrapped my arms around her body and held her tightly.

_"_Thank you," she whispered against my chest, and that was it. _Thank you._ What she was thanking me for I don't know, but strangely, it was enough.

* * *

**A/N****: Finally Jasper has told Alice what happened between him and Robbie the day poor old Robbie died. Did you like Alice's reaction? What about Jasper's? Please review!**

**Reviews = A teaser to chapter 30. My aim: 337 reviews.**

**Follow me on Twitter: FrozenSoldier.**


	31. Chapter 30

**A/N****: Chapter 30!**

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed. I love you all, and you're just amazing for reaching my target I set at the end of every chapter.**

**Juniper294 didn't even sign up to be my beta. I just asked her to help me out, and she agreed to do it. I'm so glad she said yes.**

**To justme001: No, Alice and Jasper are not virgins. Thought I'd get that out there for everyone else as well in case you were wondering at all.**

**Disclaimer****: She says Edward/Bella forever, I say JALICE ETERNAAL. Stephenie Meyer and I have a lot of differences.**

* * *

**Chapter 30 - Here For You**

**8****th**** March 2009**

**Alice POV**

I could feel someone jostling me awake as I drifted into a more conscious state. Today of all days I wished that I could just sleep right through and wake up on the ninth of March. But I couldn't, I was being woken earlier than what I usually did for a Sunday morning, but it wasn't just any old Sunday morning, it was my birthday.

My eighteenth birthday, or as I thought of it, the first birthday I would 'celebrate' without Robbie. There had been a list of days that I had been dreading, and today was one of them.

But as I opened my eyes and saw my mother's face smiling down at me, I forced an awkward smile onto my face for her sake. The last thing I wanted was to be in a depressed mood and pass it on to her.

_"_Happy birthday, baby," she murmured as she sat down on the edge of the bed, I sat up and leant forward so that I could hug her.

_"_Thank you, Mom."

She pulled back and reached for a gift bag that was on the floor. She smiled warmly and held it out to me. I took it slowly and peered inside. She'd bought me a set of expensive drawing pencils, water colour pencils and a new drawing sketchbook. I felt the tears well up in my eyes; I hadn't drawn anything for months now.

_"_I thought you might want to start drawing again," she told me. "You've got such a talent, and you did get that acceptance letter from Oakland."

I sighed; she was always bringing up that acceptance letter. "I'm not going to college this year, Mom," I reminded her in a final voice.

She exhaled quietly in defeat; she knew I wasn't going to change my mind. "Okay, maybe the year after then."

I didn't answer her.

_"_I'll leave you to get dressed while I make you your breakfast," she said, I nodded briefly then watched her leave the bedroom. I pulled the pencils and sketch pad from the bag and laid them out in front of me. It had been so long since I'd picked up a pencil to draw something, I almost missed the peacefulness and creativeness that came with drawing.

I grabbed some clothes from the wardrobe and dressed as I waited for my phone to switch on; I was almost finished when the bombardment of messages came through. I picked the phone up and read through the messages, there were ones from people at school as well as one from all of the gang.

The first I read was Emmett's.

_Hey Alice, can't believe you're actually eighteen now, no one will ever believe you. Happy birthday, Chick, love you._

I couldn't help but smile, he always managed to make me smile, no matter what; the next message was from Bella.

_Hey hun, happy birthday! We're finally both eighteen, only feels like yesterday that we were starting school! See you later._

I moved onto the next text before I started crying at the thought of starting school, I could still remember that day. The next message was from Edward.

_Happy Birthday, Alice! Have an awesome day and I'll be seeing you later with the guys._

I paused for a moment thinking about later, everyone was coming over to the house to see me. I didn't really know what we were going to do, all six of us here together 'celebrating' my birthday when I wasn't in the mood. I shook my head and went back to looking at my phone, Rosalie's message was next.

_Hey Alice, I'm at Emmett's, don't listen to him, he's just jealous that you're eighteen before him ;) Anyway, Happy birthday babe! Love you, Rose xx _

I smiled to myself briefly; those two were just made for each other. I looked down at the phone again and realised that I'd been subconsciously leaving Jasper's message for last.

_Happy Birthday, Alice :) If you want me to come to over today let me know, I've got a whole stack of horrors we could get through, you just have to ask. Jasper_

I read the message through a second time before clicking on reply, there was a large part of me that wanted to forget it was my birthday and just sit with Jasper watching horror movies.

_Thanks, Jas. That sounds great, but the guys are coming over later, and I don't think they'd understand our horror fetish. Still come over though, I need you here._

I clicked send then made my way downstairs, the scent of waffles hit me as I got to the last step, it smelt mouth-wateringly nice. It was then that I remembered that Jasper's mom had made him waffles on his birthday. _What a coincidence, _I thought to myself as I walked into the kitchen. Mom, Dad and Cynthia greeted me with a smile as I appeared.

_"_Happy birthday, Alice!" Dad and Cynthia cried simultaneously, I put on a fake smile and sat down in the one remaining seat, warm waffles were pushed under my nose; I practically inhaled them. I was actually rather hungry.

_"_Thank you, Mom, they were delicious," I told her as I pushed the plate away, I was completely stuffed.

_"_No problem, hunny," she replied. "Your birthday cards are over there."

I got up and walked over to where she had pointed, there was a small stack of cards; I recognised Cynthia's handwriting as well as others from relatives who lived out of state.

It was when I got to the last card that I faltered. I recognised whose handwriting it was. Jenny Grayson had a unique handwriting style. I opened the card slowly and peered inside, I don't know what I was expecting; it was just a birthday card after all. I hadn't seen any of the Grayson's for months now, but I knew that today I was going to see them. I had to collect Robbie's last birthday present. My charm bracelet wouldn't be complete without it.

I placed the cards face down on the table and made my way into the hallway to find some shoes, I didn't care what time it was, now that I had the charm on my mind, I couldn't get it out. I said goodbye to mom and made my way outside, I hadn't been in the Grayson's house since the funeral wake. I was almost dreading it, as there were too many memories inside that house.

It didn't take me long to get there, there were two cars on the driveway, I knew that they whole family would be in… the whole family. The hole in my chest rippled slightly at the thought, it _was _the whole family now.

I knocked on the door impatiently, I didn't have to wait long though as Jenny opened the door only seconds later. Her reaction shouldn't have gotten to me, but it was the way she looked almost _happy _to see me, it didn't make sense for me to be angry at that, but I was.

_"_Hi, Alice, it's so good to see you," she said, her voice sounded strained, I bet she could read my expression correctly. "I hope you got the birthday card I sent," she continued.

We both knew I'd received it. She had hand delivered it.

_"_I know you have it, Jenny," I told her, my expression as blank as my voice, she seemed to stare at me for a very long moment as if she was trying to work out a hard calculation. I don't know what she decided, but she told me to wait where I was then disappeared upstairs, she came down minutes later holding a small envelope in her hand.

_"_You don't have to open it, Alice," she told me, it was almost as if she was reluctant to give it to me.

_"_I need this," I whispered over the lump that had formed in my throat. She grimaced slightly then held the envelope out to me. I took it quickly then turned back towards the door. I only came here for one thing. I didn't want to be here longer than necessary, as there were too many memories.

_"_Thank you," I murmured before shutting the door behind me, I knew that I was being cold and extremely rude, but I only had one thing on my mind and it was currently clutched tightly in my hand.

I got back home in record time and went straight around the back towards the den, there was only one place that I could open this envelope. I wouldn't change the tradition just because one of us wasn't there to make sure that it was done properly.

I sat there for how long I don't know, all I did was stare at the envelope, the one remaining thing that was left of Robbie. I was terrified that as soon as I opened it, it would feel like some kind of unwanted closure.

_"_You can do it," I murmured to myself in encouragement, I nodded slowly in agreement then picked up the envelope and slipped my finger under the seal and tore it off.

What I saw froze me in place, there was a letter.

There was a letter.

My eyes filled with more tears as I slowly pulled the letter out trying not to tear it, I left the small bracelet charm in the bottom of the envelope. I knew which one is was, it was a tiny angel, and I couldn't look at it. The symbolism was too much. I took a deep breath as I unfolded the piece of paper.

_To my darling Alice,_

_It's your seventeenth birthday, and I've just got home from spending the day with you. I know I'm only meant to be getting changed to go meet you and the rest of the gang, but I really want to get this written down for you. I had this idea in my mind the moment you opened the box holding the latest charm. I want this to be a surprise for you when you go to open your very last charm._

_I know you're probably sitting there now in front of me reading this as we sit in our den at the back of your garden. I bet you've just asked me what it was without even looking at it first. I can just hear myself now, just keep reading, Alice, just keep reading, I'll be saying._

_Anyway, the whole point of this letter is to tell you how much I love you, because I do my Mary Alice Brandon, I love you with my whole heart. I bet you want to hit me now for calling you Mary, even if only in writing. But just remember as you reach out to slap me on the arm, that I was only speaking the truth, and that even if you were called Gertrude, or something just as weird, I'd still feel the same way. I bet you're laughing at Gertrude now, aren't you? As its making me laugh right now. I can just hear it, that adorable tinkling laugh of yours, and I can picture the way your nose scrunches up at the same time._

_Okay, okay. I'm going to stop with the sappy lovey dovey stuff. I'm a guy; I can't keep up for very much longer. So that's why, after I've finished with this letter, I'm going to place in the envelope, seal it up, and leave it. The next time I will see this piece of paper will be in a year. God, so much could change in that time. But we'll still be together, I know that much._

_I wish you a happy birthday, baby. I promise that good things will come to you._

_Love you,_

_Robbie_

The sorrow hit me so fast, so strong, that I couldn't breathe. It felt as if someone had punched an iron fist through my chest, and had torn through my battered heart in the process. I slumped forward as the tears poured down my cheeks. I grasped at my chest as it continued to hit me wave after wave, as if the irons fists were not enough, I was now being torn apart completely.

In my other hand was the letter from Robbie, I didn't want to screw the paper up. I didn't want to tarnish the one remaining thing I had left that was truly his.

The pain was unbearable, almost as if I'd gone back to those first few weeks in October. My eyes stung as the relentless tears poured from my eyes. I brought my legs up to my chest and curled into a tight ball, hoping that it would stop soon, but it didn't.

_I love you._

I cried out loudly as the words echoed in my mind, it was so clear that it felt as if he were right in front of me.

_You are my world._

The soul wrenching sobs escaped my lips in uneven bursts. My whole body shook violently in my futile attempt at trying to calm myself down, to get myself under control. It was useless, it wasn't going to happen.

_I love you._

My mind wanted so badly to shutdown, to stop thinking, and when I gave in, closing my mind off, I didn't fight it.

* * *

When I opened my eyes again they were still wet, and they still stung with the tears that I had shed. I sat up, wincing as I stretched my stiff muscles, how long had I been here?

I folded up the letter carefully and placed it back in the envelope, I knew that if I had looked at his handwriting, then the tears would come back, and I couldn't allow that to happen. I had to hold them back.

I didn't pull the bracelet charm out of the envelope, as I couldn't look at it now. My shaking hands wouldn't be able to clasp it into place anyway, I would need assistance. I got up, quickly running my hands over my face, then made my way outside, it had gotten chillier since going into my little den.

All I wanted to do was go upstairs, curl up under my duvet, close my eyes and not open them again for a long time. But I knew I couldn't, there were people expecting me, my friends, I couldn't desert them that way, they didn't deserve that. I didn't know what to expect when I got back inside. I knew without a doubt that Jenny would have called Mom as soon as I'd left. But what I wasn't expecting was to find Jasper sitting on the back step.

His eyes trained on me as soon as mine landed on him, he didn't stand up. Instead, he shuffled and wordlessly patted the space next to him, signalling for me to sit next to him. I stumbled forward, suddenly craving his comfort. He always seemed to be there for me. Jasper was my constant.

_"_How did you know?" I asked in a croaky, uneven voice, as I sat down next to him.

_"_What do you mean?"

_"_How did you know I'd need you?" I wasn't expecting an answer, and I knew that he wouldn't give me one. Instead he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me into his body. I closed my eyes tightly but the tears still forced their way out and rolled down my cheeks. _So much for trying to hold them in earlier_.

He didn't ask me about the envelope that was still clutched in my hand tightly, of which I was grateful. I didn't want to share this letter with anyone, not even Jasper. I don't know how long we sat there in silence, but my tears had stopped falling, so that when Mom came to check on us she didn't see that I had been crying.

Jasper shuffled slightly and reached for something on the floor beside him, when he handed it to me, I felt the first genuine smile of the day creep its way onto my face. The smile was small, but it was real.

_"_I know you told me not to, but here you go," he murmured. "Happy birthday, Alice."

It felt and weighed like a book, that I was certain of. My curiosity got too much and I ended up tearing the pretty wrapping paper to pieces. I gasped in surprise when I saw the limited edition copy of my favourite book in my hands, I hadn't even realised Jasper knew it was my favourite.

_"_I know you've already got the book upstairs, but I've seen the copy you have and it's so tatty that I thought you needed to-" But I silenced him before he could finish his sentence.

_"_Its perfect, Jas," I told him, making a soft smile spread across his face. "Thank you."

_"_I'm glad you like it," he murmured, the smile still on his face, and even though I was feeling down I couldn't help but return the smile. I leant forward and as if he knew what I was after he opened his arms and we embraced.

_"_Alice are you out-" I hadn't even heard them arrive. "Oh," I heard one gasp quietly when they saw us hugging. I pulled away and turned to them, the smile was still on my face from earlier, but as I caught the look Bella was giving us it soon disappeared again.

I still didn't really understand where we were with the whole Jasper thing, and by the look on her face I could tell it was getting to her still. Would she always be like that? At the rate we were connecting, I knew that Jasper was going to be in my life a lot, and Bella would just have to get used to it.

She seemed to control her expression as Emmett walked passed her and came towards me. There was a chorus of 'happy birthdays' as Emmett scooped me up into a massive hug and swung me around. The action improved my mood, and as he placed me back in my feet, I felt a genuine smile form on my face.

They each handed me their presents which I opened one after another, they had each partnered up with their gifts, something we always did. Rosalie and Emmett bought me some handmade jewellery from this old store we'd found in Port Angeles, before _it _happened. I always wanted to go down there and buy some. They were expensive, but beautiful.

Edward and Bella had bought me a number of gifts. The first present was the perfume I had been after for months, the second was a new designer sweater I remembered telling Bella I wanted. I smiled and thanked them all for their gifts. I was honestly grateful, for them all. But there was something I couldn't help but notice, they were all gifts that I had wanted before my life had turned upside down and torn apart.

_"_What did you get her, Jasper?" Edward asked, breaking me from my train of thought.

It was silent as everyone turned to look at him. "I got her a book," he replied, Emmett snorted softly, a chuckle escaping his lips.

_"_You got her a book?" he asked, but was quietened by Rosalie who gave him a stern look. "Alright, let's have a look at it then," Emmett muttered as he held out his hand.

It was such a small flicker across his face that I wasn't sure whether I'd seen it right, but I was certain Jasper was reluctant to hand it over. But he did. Emmett looked at the book for a moment, reading the back cover then looking around confused.

_"_What's so special about this book then?" he asked.

_"_It's her favourite book," Bella answered, staring intently at the book. "Her own copy is shocking, and that one is a limited edition version."

It was silent for a moment as I took the book back and placed it with the rest of the presents. For some reason I didn't want to share Jasper's present with them, and I didn't understand why.

The rest of the evening flew by, we decided to stay in and just get a take out, but when Rosalie asked if we wanted Chinese both Jasper and I shouted out '_no'_ straight away. We'd both gotten strange looks, but neither of us wanted to explain that having Chinese was _our _thing. It was something we did together, even if to date, we'd only done it once, we still didn't want to share it with the others.

Edward and Bella were the first to leave, but were shortly followed by Rosalie and Emmett, we did have school the next day which meant we couldn't stay up too late. They were about to leave when Emmett came back in and asked how Jasper was planning on getting home.

In the end, they decided that Emmett would drop him off at home instead of leaving him to walk back in the dark on his own. I said goodbye to Emmett and Rosalie, then as they went outside to wait in the Jeep, I hugged Jasper goodbye tightly. It was strange how much comfort I found in him.

_"_Thank you for being here today, Jasper," I whispered against his chest.

_"_Anytime, Alice, anytime," he replied, I could feel the vibrations of his voice against my cheek. The sensation felt nice, and it made me not want to pull away.

But eventually we separated, and smiled weakly at each other. He was halfway out of the door when he turned around again, a wistful expression on his face.

_"_Go read your book, okay?"

Then he was gone. I remained at the door long after they had driven away, but my curiosity got the better of me, and I turned around, racing up the stairs to where my book was kept. There had been something in his voice that told me he _wanted _me to read the book, and when I opened the front cover, a small piece of paper fell out, and instantly I knew why he wanted me to look at the book.

_I'm here for you._

A silent tear rolled down my cheek as I read the four words over and over again. He was here for me. He didn't promise me he'd never leave me, nor did he promise he'd always be here. He was _here _for me _now_ and I knew that was a promise I could rely on.

* * *

**A/N****: Jalice! Jalice! Jalice! ****I absolutely adore Jasper. What did you think of this chapter? What about Robbie's letter? If that were me, I'd have totally broken down reading that, and I wouldn't be lucky enough to have my own personal Jasper to make things all better for me. I hope you don't find it too cheesy.**

**Please leave me a review. If you do, I'll give you a teaser to chapter 31. My aim is 348 reviews.**

**Follow me on Twitter: FrozenSoldier.**


	32. Chapter 31

**A/N****: Chapter 31!**

**Hmm, I wonder if anyone i****s paying attention to the dates.**

**This chapter was rather fun to write. It is different to everything else in this story. We actually have so****me humour for once. I do hope it makes you laugh, or at least makes you smile.**

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed, alerted, or added this story to their favourite list. It makes me a very happy person.**

**As usual, thank you to my beta, Juniper294. I feel more comfortable with this story knowing that I have someone to show it to before uploading it here.**

**Disclaimer****: This is posted on a fanfiction website. I think that kind of speaks for itself, disclaimer wise. I am a fan, writing some fiction about my favourite Twilight characters.**

* * *

**Chapter 31 - A McCarty April Fools**

**1****st**** April 2009**

**Jasper POV**

"I don't trust him," Alice murmured as we watched Rosalie and Emmett gathering their lunch from where we sat at our usual table.

"Me either," I replied. "You heard what he did to Edward?"

She almost choked on the food in her mouth. "I think everyone heard. I can't believe Emmett actually did that to him. Poor Edward, he must have been mortified."

I chuckled. "He really wasn't happy… although that girl he ran into was."

"Wasn't that Carla Madden?" she asked as he nodded towards the girl sitting across the cafeteria.

I nodded. "I swear she was going to rip off his towel if Emmett hadn't started giving his clothes back to him."

Alice smiled, but didn't say anything more as she continued to eat. It went silent for a moment as we went back to watching Emmett. He had a devious smirk on his face which I didn't trust one bit.

"I reckon he's up to something," I mused, breaking the silence.

Alice snorted softly. "This is Emmett we're talking about. He's _always_ up to something, and considering its April Fool's Day, it's a given that Emmett will have planned _something_ for each of us, and not just Edward. Trust me. He's done this every year."

"Should I be scared?"

She gave me a very serious nod. "You should be extremely scared. This is your first April Fools with him. He's most probably going to pull out all the stops for you."

"But it's lunchtime and he hasn't done anything," I said as I took another bite of my sandwich. "Maybe he's forgotten to prank everyone else?"

"I repeat this is Emmett we're talking about." She frowned to herself briefly, deep in thought. "April Fool's is his favourite holiday. There isn't a chance in hell he's forgotten to do something to us."

"So what are you two whispering about?" Emmett asked as he sat down with his tray, Rosalie sitting next to him, and placed some salt and pepper shakers in front of him. There was a devious glint in his eye that told me he was definitely planning something. I was immediately on high alert.

"Nothing that concerns you," Alice murmured as she continued eating the fries she'd bought earlier.

Emmett snorted. "Everything concerns me, you know that."

Alice mumbled something unintelligible as she reached for the salt shaker. I realised what was about to happen, and I said, "Alice, don't," just as she turned the shaker upside down. I pulled a face as the cap fell off and the whole pot of salt fell onto her plate.

"Emmett!" she whined as she stared at the salt pile on her plate. "I was looking forward to those as well."

Emmett, who had been trying not to laugh, threw his head back and roared with laughter as Rosalie gave Emmett a stern look. She obviously didn't like the trick he just pulled.

"Oldest trick in the book, that," he said before giving Alice some of his lunch, which, I guess, did make up for the fact he'd just ruined her meal.

I was about to say something when my phone started ringing. I pulled it out of my pocket and answered.

"Hello?"

"Hello is this Jasper Whitlock?" the man on the other end of the line asked.

"Yeah, that's me, who is this?"

"It's Chris, from gay dating advice. We got an email this morning about the problems you're having concerning your relationship with your partner, Mike Newton. I thought that we coul-"

"What?" I cried. "My _relationship_ with Mike Newton? Who the hell is this?"

Emmett choked as he took a sip of his drink, but didn't meet my eye when I looked at him.

"This is Chris, from gay dating advice. We got an email from your friend telling us that you wer-"

"From a friend, huh?" I muttered darkly as I glared at Emmett who was trying his hardest not to laugh his head off. "Emmett, I am going to fucking kill you!"

He gave up then and started banging his fist into the table as his laughter roared around the cafeteria.

"Who is Emmett?" Chris asked. "Is he another one of your boyfriends? I'm sorry, but you seem to have some anger problems. And it isn't fair on Mike, you shouldn't be cheating on him."

"What?" I spluttered in utter disbelief. "I'm not having an affair! I'm not even in a fucking relationship! This was a prank, don't call me again!"

I ended the call quickly and turned to face Emmett. "You emailed a _gay dating advice service_?" I cried over his booming laughter. Rosalie joined in his laughter when she realised what had happened. I, on the other hand, wasn't finding it funny at all.

It was then that I happened to look around, and I noticed that pretty much everyone in the room was looking at us. _Great_.

At the same moment, the doors to the cafeteria slammed open and a very angry looking Bella, with Edward behind her, came storming towards our table with what looked like fucking _enormous _panties in her hand.

"_Emmett,_" she screeched. "What the _fuck_ are these?"

She slammed the panties down on the table directly in front of him. We all looked closer and groaned in disgust when we saw numerous skid marks and stains on them.

"What is _wrong_ with you?" Rosalie demanded in a disgusted tone as she stared at the panties. "You sick fuck!"

Emmett scowled before pushing the panties away. "Its only mud, for God sakes! Why are you having a fit?"

But Emmett's scowl was nothing compared to Bella's as she slapped him across the back of the head. "You idiot! Did you think it was _funny _to put my _name_ in them and leave them in the girls' toilets?"

She was shaking with anger now, which was a rare thing for Bella. "Mr Greene had to call me into his office so that he could have tell me that he would prefer it if I didn't leave my possessions around the school. I didn't know what he was saying until he pulled this fucker out."

A sudden burst of laughter escaped my lips as she finished. Bella's head whipped round to look at me and she glared at me. It was such an evil glare, that I was expecting lasers to shoot out of her eyes at any moment.

"Why are you laughing?" she hissed.

I tried to keep a straight face, but I just couldn't. "I'm sorry, but you have to admit that is pretty funny."

"Thank you!" Emmett cried. "Finally, someone agrees with me!"

Bella made this strange squealing sound as she slapped Emmett across the back of his head again, before turning around and making her way towards the food section, leaving the dirty panties on the table.

Edward, who had been relatively quiet, walked up to Emmett, gave him an exceptionally smug grin, and said, "You know full well you deserved every second of that."

* * *

"I seriously think Edward and Bella are going to join ranks and kill Emmett while he sleeps tonight," Alice said as we made our way towards our lockers at the end of our last class.

"I know," I agreed as we reached my locker. "I really don't think I've seen anyone glare so much at someone as Bella did."

I quickly unlocked it and opened the door. But as I did so, I had to jump back as a series of magazines cascaded out of my locker and onto the floor. My eyes widened as I saw the front covers.

"What the fuck!" I cried as I saw numerous naked, greased up men grinning up at me from the front page of the magazines. Where the fuck did Emmett get all of _those _from?

"Dude, what the hell!" someone exclaimed from the crowd of people surrounding us.

I spun around to face the person who spoke. "They're not mine!"

The guy laughed and raised his eyebrows. "Oh, yeah, sure they're not yours. You just happened to have gay magazines in your locker for a _friend_."

"But I'm not gay!" I cried as I turned back at the growing pile of magazines on the floor. I looked around at the people surrounding me and saw the expression that said _sure you're not_. I groaned and kicked at the magazines. I was seriously going to kill Emmett for this.

I turned to Alice, who had been laughing nonstop, held up her hands apologetically. The annoyance towards Emmett evaporated as I saw her laughing. It had been so long since I'd seen her laughing like that. Hell, it was probably the first time I ever saw her laughing like that.

Once she stopped laughing, I bent down and picked up one of the magazines before walking out of the building, and away from the prying eyes. I could hear Alice following right behind me.

"What are you going to do?" she asked breathlessly as she finally caught up with me.

"I'm going to beat the hell out of Emmett with this," I growled as I waved the magazine in her direction. But as we reached the area where Emmett's Jeep was parked, we both stopped dead in our tracks.

Edward's Volvo was now covered in some kind of, I don't even know _what _that was. It looked like plastic. It was wrapped around the entire car, preventing him from opening the doors. There was quite a crowd surrounding it, all of them staring in disbelief and amusement.

We found Rosalie standing in the middle of it. She just shook her head at us when she spotted us. Clearly she didn't know about this either. I couldn't help but laugh when I saw the pair of scissors taped to the car door. Emmett was obviously giving Edward a means of taking this stuff off his car.

"You do want to have a boyfriend at the end of the day, right?" I asked Rosalie as we came to stand next to her. "Because honestly, I think someone is going to kill him tonight."

She snorted. "Someone? I think there's going to be a list of suspects before the days out. Me being one of them."

"What did he do to you?" I asked, suddenly feeling curious. I hadn't heard anything about the prank he pulled on Rosalie.

Alice scoffed and shook her head at me. "Are you kidding?"

Rosalie nodded in agreement with Alice. "Emmett knows not to even try to prank me, as I warned him that if he tried anything, then I'd bite his dick off the next time I got the chance. I'm just not amused with him. He's gone a bit over the top this year."

I pulled a face and the bottom half of my body tensed at the mere thought of it. "Ouch. Poor Emmett!"

"Poor Emmett, what?" Emmett boomed as he slung his arm around mine and Alice's shoulders.

"I was just telling them what I'd do to you if you tried to prank me," Rosalie exclaimed cheerfully.

Emmett winced and dropped his arms from our shoulders. "Please don't remind me. It gave me nightmares the first time she told me that."

I laughed at his comment. "But as if I would do such a thing anyway," he continued, trying to act innocent. He wasn't fooling anyone.

"I guess you're just ignoring the fact that Edward's car has been wrapped in plastic then?" I said as I turned back to look at the car. I grimaced at the visual of Edward finding his car like that. I was half tempted to call him and pre-warn him. Or get Alice to call Bella, as she wasn't here yet either.

I could tell that Emmett was trying not to laugh. But the second he turned around, he was unable to hold it in.

"I think the scissors were a nice touch," he mused. "Don't you think?"

I snorted. "Nice touch? Really, Emmett? I was thinking more along the lines of a very stupid idea. You do realise that Edward will most probably try to do some serious damage to you with those scissors? And then when you're unable to run, he'll take this shit off his car and run you over…"

My mouth trailed away from me as I realised my very foolish mistake. The atmosphere turned very awkward, very quickly. There was always a rule that people had to follow, and that was never to joke about someone running you over when someone they knew was died in a car accident.

"Well," Alice began in a quiet voice. _Shit_. She had been laughing today. She had been laughing harder than I'd seen her laugh, well, _ever_, and I'd just gone and ruined that now. "As much as we'd love to watch Edward's reaction to his car, we're going."

I looked down at her in confusion, wondering why she didn't want to see Edward's reaction. "We are?"

She nodded in response and pulled out the keys to her car. Recently, Alice had started driving into school instead of getting the bus every day. Everyone had been shocked, including me, when she'd told us she was going to start driving in. But I just encouraged her, as I secretly felt proud at how strong she was.

Maybe she felt like she owed me something, because as soon as she started driving to school, she started picking me up in the morning and dropping me off at the primary school afterwards. I wouldn't have agreed to her dropping me off at school if she wasn't going there herself to help out Jackie.

Alice was constantly busy now after school. If she wasn't helping out with her mom, then she was attending after school catch-up classes that were for those that were falling behind. Or like Alice, had spent a long period of time off from school. It was either that, or be held back a year, and that was the last thing she wanted.

"I'll let you know what happens," Rosalie told me as we all said goodbye, which was when I remembered about the magazine in my hand. With a smile, I folded it over, and smacked Emmett across the back of the head.

"Hey!" he cried. "What the hell was that for?"

I didn't answer him. Instead, I pushed the magazine into his chest, not wanting to take it home with me. When he saw it, he grinned.

"I guess I deserved that then," he muttered as he looked back at me. "But hey, congratulations, you've survived your first McCarty April Fools."

I shook my head in amusement before making my way over to where Alice was waiting. We got into the car in silence and didn't say a word as she drove to the primary school. The atmosphere was tense, and I found myself glancing at her every now and again as she drove. She didn't look angry or upset, but she didn't look happy, either, and the atmosphere that surrounded us was making me think the worst.

When we pulled up at the school we both got out and walked towards the front gate. There were still a number of woman waiting outside, so I guessed some of the classes hadn't come out yet.

"Are you okay?" I asked, my voice quiet, nervous. "I'm sorry about what I said earlier, I should have…"

But she stopped me before I could finish. "Its fine, Jasper, really, you know you can't always watch what you're saying. Don't worry, it doesn't matter."

I nodded, though I didn't completely believe her. I knew that what I said was too close to home, and I wished that I hadn't made a reference like that. I was a fucking idiot.

"How old is your sister, again?" Alice asked as we walked towards the front door, changing the subject. Usually I waited by the gates, or Emily was already waiting by the door, but because Alice helped out after school, I was allowed to follow her inside.

I searched her voice for any hint of her being unhappy, but I found nothing out of the ordinary. I let out a quick sigh of relief before answering.

"She's five, but she will be six on the fifteenth," I told her with a smile. I still couldn't quite believe that she was going to be another year older.

"Fifteenth of this month?" she inquired. When I nodded, she continued. "What are you getting her?"

I stopped and looked away from her. I knew exactly what I was getting Emily. I was going to give her the silly little woollen hat from my room that she always wanted to put on. We weren't really into giving big, extravagant presents to each other, and I knew that Emily would love the hat. It's just, for some reason, I didn't want to tell Alice, and that feeling reminded me of the way I used to be when I first got to Forks.

Maybe it was because the hat was something my father gave me, and because Alice would ask for the meaning behind the gift, I would have to tell her about my father, too. That was just something I really didn't want to do.

"Jasper, what are you getting her?"

I allowed my eyes to land on hers, and I was certain she saw the cautious look in them. Her brow pulled together and realisation flickered across her expression. She looked almost disappointed to see me acting the way I was.

"Jasper?" she whispered in a pleading manner, but for some reason, even though it was something simple as a birthday present, I just couldn't.

"I'm going to find Emily, I'll see you later," I told her in a pretty much monotonous inflection. I turned away then and quickly walked away from her, not bothering to turn around and see the saddened expression I knew would be there.

I grimaced to myself as I thought over the day. It had started out well, but then I had made that joke about Edward running Emmett over, and now this. The day just seemed to get worse as time progressed.

However, if I thought this was bad, then the next series of weeks were going to be hell, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

* * *

**A/N****: I hope you liked this chapter, like I said, it was fun to write. I call this the chapter the calm before the storm. *evil laugh***

**Please review. You'll want the teaser to the next chapter. My aim: 365 reviews.**

**There will be an outtake to this chapter from Edward's POV. I haven't actually written it, but hopefully at some point, you'll see what prank Emmett pulled on him. If you're wondering what prank I'm referring to, it was the one mentioned at the start of the chapter.**


	33. Chapter 32

**A/N****: Chapter 32!**

**Okay, this chapter is probably my favourite chapter in the whole story. I've most likely said that about other chapters, but this one is definitely at the top. Actually, the next lot of chapters are all my favourites.**

**I love each and every one of you who reviewed and added this story to their favourite/alert list. Seeing how many reviews I have, makes me incredibly happy.**

**Juniper294, you are brilliant. Enough said.**

**I said in the last chapter about whether anyone was paying attention to dates. I was referring to the fact that it was April, and what happened in April of last year (in the story)? Yep, Maria died. See what I mean about paying attention to dates?**

**Disclaimer****: I own Emmett's family. It's a shame I don't own Emmett as well.**

* * *

**Chapter 32 - This Bottle is My Escape**

**26****th**** April 2009**

**Jasper POV**

I could feel it, even before I opened my eyes. I could feel the imaginary knife stuck in my chest. It had been precariously hanging above my head for the past week, as a constant reminder of what happened a year ago. It wasn't something I wanted to remember, but it was something I knew I'd never forget. I would never forget the day Maria died.

I opened my eyes and stared up at the plain white ceiling. From afar, the ceiling looked normal, faultless almost. But as I continued to stare, I saw the imperfections and blemishes that covered a large portion. There were cracks in the plaster, blotches of paint covering holes that people had haphazardly tried to cover up. The defect would still be there, regardless of what people did to conceal it. But you would get used to those defects, and overtime, people would forget they were there.

The ceiling was like me. From afar, I was an average looking eighteen year old, living his life the way he wanted. But when they looked closer, they would see the dark, unhappy eyes, they would feel the sorrow filled aura that surrounded me. They would see the imperfections, even though many wouldn't know what caused them, and like the ceiling, people forgot that they were even there.

But not today. Oh no, definitely not today. I wouldn't put on the invisible mask that shielded everyone from seeing the cracks and lines that were caused by an overwhelming amount of grief and depression. They would see that I was suffering today; they would know I had been hiding something from them.

I didn't care, not today.

I pulled myself out of bed, glancing at the clock as I did so. It was 12.20 in the afternoon - Sunday. _Good,_ I'd wasted a portion of the day already.

I slowly made my way downstairs, hearing voices and movements coming from the kitchen. I went to stand in the doorway and I stood there, watching them. They didn't notice me, not at first.

But when they did, they just stopped and stared. I looked back at them, knowing that my expression was completely blank.

"Would you like me to make you something to eat?" she asked, looking towards the fridge as she spoke. The action aggravated me. She knew where the fridge was, _I _knew where the fridge was. So did she really have to look at it? No, she didn't. But she still did, and I noticed that it gave her an excuse to break our eye contact.

Even her voice was cautious, with the tinge of nervousness added into the mix. I didn't answer her, because the similarity to last year rendered me speechless. She had the same nervous quality to her voice she had in the weeks after it had happened last year. She was even averting her eyes again, and Emily, she just wouldn't stop staring at me.

This was all too much. I needed an escape. I needed something that would make me forget, just for a little while, just until today was over, and as I looked back at my mother, I knew what I would do.

In some sense, she'd been in a similar situation in that she wanted to forget about her past for a while. She would drink herself into a stupor, ignoring that she had responsibilities, and today, I was going to follow in her footsteps. There was a bottle upstairs in my room; it was from her last relapse. I never thought I would need it, but now I knew that I did.

I turned around without saying a word and went back upstairs. I pulled off my t-shirt and yanked my sweat pants down my legs, before grabbing some clothes from the side. All the while, my eyes remained glued to my bottom drawer.

As soon as I was dressed, I reached for the drawer and slowly pulled it open. I shifted the things out of the way before wrapping my fingers around the cold neck of the alcohol bottle. This would help ease the pain, it would make me forget. This bottle was going to be my escape.

Mom did it, numerous times in fact. She didn't care about the consequences of her actions, and right now, neither did I.

I trudged back downstairs, the bottle in my hands, not stopping to look into the kitchen. I quickly put on a pair of shoes before unlocking the door. I could hear Mom saying something, but I didn't register her words, and as I stepped outside, I didn't stop to ask her to repeat.

Without a real destination in mind, I started aimlessly walking away from the house. An elderly couple gave me a cautious look, but when I met their eye they quickened their pace.

The park was very nearly deserted when I passed by, which was surprising, given that it was the weekend. I noticed a couple of benches along the side, and without thinking about it, I started making my way towards them. As soon as I was seated, I rested the bottle on my lap and unscrewed the cap.

I stared at the bottle for a short moment, knowing that after the first sip, I was going to be no better than my parents. But as I thought back to the time when my father was around, I immediately thought of Maria. I grimaced at the memories rushing through my mind.

I didn't open my eyes as I placed the bottle to my lips and drank.

_Maria__ stared at the bottle as if it were her worst enemy. But in that moment, I guess it was. Her eyes shifted to the right and met my gaze._

"_Can you…" Her voice trailed away from her and she looked back at the bottle, glaring fiercely. She hated that her illness turned her into someone who couldn't even unscrew the cap off a bottle of water anymore._

_I smiled weakly and took the bottle from her hands. Her eyes were sad as I easily pulled the cap off and held the bottle out to her. She it took and went to bring it to her mouth, but her hands were shaking so much that it spilt a little on her quilted blanket. _

_I reached forward, taking it from her. I then dabbed at the wet patch with my sleeve before leaning forward and holding the bottle to her lips. A tear fell from the corner of her eye as she opened her mouth._

I could feel the tears sliding down my cheeks, but I didn't brush them away. There was no point, as they would still continue to fall, no matter how many times I brushed them away. I winced as the fiery liquid hit the back of my throat and burnt its way down into my stomach.

_She winced ever so slightly as she swallowed the water. It even hurt her to do that now. There was so few things should could also do without causing herself pain anymore._

_I hid the tortured expression on my face as I looked at her. It made my chest physically ache to see her in this much pain, and that was why I hid the emotions that were tearing me up inside. She didn't need to see it. She shouldn't have to deal with that, too._

The more I drank, the hazier my mind became, and the hazier my mind became, the easier it was to drink. But I could still remember. I could still feel the aching inside my chest. I wasn't finished yet. I had to forget, even if just for today. I had to forget.

_I wiped at her chin where some water had trickled from her mouth. She tried to smile in thanks, but that was hard for her now, too. I couldn't stop the tears from forming, and I had even less control in stopping them from escaping._

_She was getting weaker and weaker by the day, and it was becoming increasingly visible to everyone._

_It didn't matter how many people sat with her for every hour of every day. It didn't matter how many people tended to her every need, just so that she could keep her strength up. Because she was still going to die, and there was nothing I, or anyone else could do to stop it._

* * *

**Emmett POV**

"Come here, Brian," Frankie, my youngest brother, murmured as he held out the dog treat to the small mutt that really couldn't be called a dog. It was _far _too feminine looking for a household of males.

"Frankie, you're not calling the dog Brian," I told him sternly. That was a ridiculous name for a dog.

"Why not?" he whined. "The dog on Family Guy is called Brian!"

"I swear I'm going to hit the person who gave you those Family Guy box sets," I muttered as I shot death glares at Henry who was sitting opposite me with a massive smirk on his face.

Then as an afterthought, I added, "You shouldn't even be watching Family Guy anyway, you're too young."

He pouted and glared at me. "Why not? Eggy gets to watch it!"

I rolled my eyes at his ridiculous nickname he had for his older brother. "Yeah, that's because Eoghan is twelve years old and you're only seven!" I cried. He pouted at me again which made me shake my head in disbelief. Frankie was the most stubborn of us McCarty's.

"Well, he answers to Brian," he muttered in defiance then picked up the dog and walked out of the room.

"Just let him call the damn dog Brian," Henry said, his tone was only half serious.

"It's Ma's dog, not Frankie's, it's up to her what she calls it," I replied.

He snorted softly. "You know that if Frankie wants to name the dog Brian, then she'll go along with it."

I groaned. He was right, of course. Ma would let Frankie have his own way, especially considering he was the youngest of her boys. Apart from Cally-May, Frankie was the one who was spoilt the most now. I remember back when it was _me _everyone spoilt rotten.

"Please, Ma, please," I heard Frankie whine from outside the room. I had to hand it to Ma; she had a way with us all. I don't know how she put up with that whiny shit all the time. I'd probably throw Frankie in the washing machine if I had to look after him for more than one day at a time.

"No, Franklin, I'm not letting you go out now," Ma replied as she walked into the room. Frankie was running behind her, the dog was still in his arms. He had to stop carrying that thing as if it were a baby.

"But Brian needs to go for a walk, he hasn't had one today," Frankie continued. So that was what he wanted to do, he wanted to take _Brian _out for a walk.

"I said no, Franklin," she told him sternly as she placed her hands on her hips. "One of your brothers will have to do it."

"Oh no, I can't, I've got some assignments to be getting on with," Henry exclaimed as he stood up as if to leave. "Emm hasn't got anything to do though."

If glares could kill, Henry would be a pile of smoking ashes right now. But before I could say anything in response, Ma spoke first.

"Yes, Emmett will take Brian for a walk," she said.

I sighed angrily. "Not you, too?"

She smirked at me. It was the same smirk that we'd all inherited. "Frankie convinced me, and it's unique, what more can I say?"

"You could have said no," I grumbled and crossed my arms in defiance. It was a stance that Frankie pulled many times.

"Well, I didn't. Now stop pouting like a little girl and go take Brian for a walk," she commanded. There wasn't any point in arguing my case, Ma _always_ won. People sometimes wondered how she coped with living in a household of males; my answer was always that she coped just fine. Our father didn't even go against her word, so we stood no chance of getting passed her.

"Here's the lead and here's a bag so that you can clean up after Brian," she said as she handed me the two items.

"Aw hell _no_, I am _not _picking up this dog's shit," I exclaimed as I shook my head. My two brothers started laughing at me, _jackasses_.

"Emmett, do you want to pay like an eighty dollar fine?" she reprimanded. "No, I didn't think so. So take this goddamn bag, and pick up anything that falls out of that dog's ass."

I glared at her, and then at the dog, which decided to bark at me. "Why does it even matter? Their shits look exactly the same! Or are they going to DNA test it and trace it back here?"

She didn't respond to me, instead she reached up and held my ear between her finger and thumb, then twisted it slightly. She used to do this whenever we got into a fight with each other years ago. She had stopped as we got older. But it still hurt exactly the same as it always did.

"Ow, Ma! Get _off _me!" I cried as I tried to pull away from her. But she had a tight hold for such a small woman.

"Will you promise me that you'll do as I told you?" she said in a very stern voice that only mothers could have.

"I promise, I promise!" I told her quickly as I held my hands up, surrendering. She pinched my ear once more before letting it go. I scowled as I rubbed away the soreness. I hated it when she did that to me. But when she smiled at me, the annoyance towards her action disappeared.

I shot one last, dirty look at my brothers before heading out the front door. The stupid dog was yapping happily at my heels.

"You even think about going for a shit and I'll put you in the bin as well," I muttered petulantly, and then I looked around in case anyone was nearby. The last thing I wanted was for someone to witness me talking to the mutt.

I decided that I would do a couple of laps around the park, let the dog have a run around, and then go back home. But as I rounded the corner into the park, my eyes landed on the row of benches along one side, or more precisely, the person that was sprawled across one of them.

I was suddenly reminded of the Family Guy episode where Chris and a friend found a dead body and started poking it with a stick. In no way was I saying this dude was dead, nor was I about to start poking him, but I still wanted to get a closer look. But as I did so, I started to realise that he looked a hell of a lot like… _holyshit_.

I let go of the dog lead and sprinted towards the benches. "Jasper?" I exclaimed as soon as I was near enough. I crouched down beside him and shook him softly. The panic settled in pretty quickly when he still didn't respond. I called out his name a couple more times before checking for a pulse. He was still here, which dulled the panic a tiny bit, but I was still out of my depths with this. I needed help.

I reached for my phone and scrolled through my contacts. Dad? I was tempted to call him, but he was at work. Edward? No, he'd tell the others, and I wasn't sure I wanted that. Then I got to Henry's number, and I pressed the _call_ button.

It rang twice before he answered. "What's up, brother? The dog become too much to handle?" he said in a very amused voice, before chuckling to himself.

My expression remained exactly the same. "Henry, I need you to come to Olympic Park, I'm by the benches," I informed him. Something in my voice must have told him that I wasn't messing around.

"What's happened, Emmett?" he asked, his voice turning serious. I could hear the worry in his tone.

"Just hurry up, okay?" I told him, before cutting the call. I turned around and quickly looked for the dog. Thankfully, he was sitting by me and hadn't run off yet. Good job the mutt was trained.

"What the fuck happened to you, Jasper?" I murmured as I stared at him helplessly. What did I do? Shake him? Call an ambulance? I decided against the latter, choosing not to do anything myself. I would wait for Henry to get here before deciding anything.

Less than five minutes later, I saw him running towards me. "Jesus Christ," he exclaimed as soon as his eyes landed on Jasper. "Who the hell is that?"

I grimaced. "His name is Jasper. He's a friend of mine from school."

Then as an afterthought, I added, "You remember that prank you helped me with? It was the one where you called one of my friends pretending to be a dating agency?"

"That was him? Shit," he muttered, staring at Jasper. "Why did he drink until he passed out?"

My head shot in Henry's direction. _Drink until he passed out?_ "What? You think he was drinking?" I asked incredulously. No, that couldn't be it. In all the time that I had known him, I wouldn't have pegged him to be that kind of guy.

"I don't _think_, I _know_," Henry replied as he bent down and picked up a bottle of Jack Daniels. It was nearly empty.

"Holy shit," I gasped as the shock shot through my mind. How had I not seen the bottle earlier?

"What would make him do something like that?" he continued, verbalising the question that had been floating around my mind. I tried to think of a legible reason as to why he would want to do this, but it dawned on me pretty quickly that I didn't really know him, not really. We'd never really talked about his life, or his family for that matter. In fact, I don't think I'd ever heard him even mention them. I didn't even know if he had any brothers or sisters.

I called him my friend, yet I didn't know him. "I don't know," I said in a quiet voice. "I just… don't know."

* * *

**A/N****: I told you the previous chapter was the calm before the storm. Writing the Maria flashback did make me cry again, so I hope you like it. What did you think to everything else? I love Emmett's family, seriously, I love them to pieces.**

**My beta had never heard of the name 'Eoghan' before. It's pronounced exactly the same as 'Owen'. There was a lad in my college class called Eoghan, and I love that name, also, that lad's middle name was 'Emmett', so now you know why I picked the name Eoghan.**

**Please review! I'll give you a teaser to chapter 33 if you do. My aim: 378 reviews.**


	34. Chapter 33

**A/N****: Chapter 33!**

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. I sound like a stuck record, I know, but I love you all.**

**I sound like even more of a stuck record, but thank you to my beta, Juniper294. She thinks about things I don't.**

**Disclaimer****: I own Henry McCarty, and I would shout that from the rooftops if I could. I love him, but I think I love Emily Whitlock more. Hell, I love all the other characters, but they belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

* * *

**Chapter 33 - I'm Sorry You're Not Happy**

**26****th**** April 2009**

**Emmett POV**

Henry looked away from me, obviously sensing that I was disappointed with my admittance of not knowing Jasper.

"So what are we going to do with him?" he asked after a moment.

"I don't know."

"Is that all you know how to say?"

My response to his remark was to glare at him. Now was _not_ the time to say stuff like that. "Should we call an ambulance or something?"

He shook his head. "They'll only give him something to wake him up, and he's underage, remember?"

I nodded in agreement, that did make sense. Maybe calling the ambulance wasn't such a good idea then. Good thing I didn't decide to call them when I was waiting for Henry to get here.

"He's going to wake up soon anyway. Why don't we get him home?" Henry suggested. I agreed, but then stopped when I realised I didn't know where he lived. Another wave of shame slammed into me at the thought, but I tried not to dwell on it as I pulled my phone out again. Henry gave me a questioning look, but I just shook my head.

"I have to get his address from Alice," I told him.

"Alice?" he asked, his brow furrowing in confusion.

"Jasper's been there for Alice a lot these past few months." I looked back at Jasper as I spoke. The expression on Henry's face told me that he didn't like the idea of Jasper and Alice being friends. It was then that I remembered that this would be the first time Henry has met Jasper. _What great first impressions this'll give_.

"Okay, but don't tell Short Stuff why you need it," he added. It was my turn to look at him quizzically. "She doesn't need to come out here and fuss over him," he continued as he nodded towards Jasper.

"But he's like a best friend to her," I argued, yet he shook his head once again.

"Let him be the one to tell her, Emm," he muttered. "If he wants to tell her, then he will."

I realised what he was saying was true. She didn't need to know right now. If Jasper wanted to tell her, then he'll do it his own way. I opened my contacts and found her number before putting the phone to my ear.

"Hello?" She sounded almost happy on the phone, almost. I knew immediately when I heard her voice that I wasn't going to tell her.

"Hey, Alice, I can't speak long, as I haven't got much money on my phone," I told her. Technically it wasn't a lie. I really didn't have much money left. "I just need to know where Jasper lives."

"Oh, right. He lives at twenty two Willow Avenue," she replied. I inwardly sighed in relief, that wasn't even ten minutes away from here. It wouldn't take very long to get there at all.

"Okay, thanks, Alice, I'll see you later." We said our goodbyes and I cut the call. Thankfully she hadn't asked me why I wanted his address. I would have hated to lie to her about this.

"He lives on Willow Avenue," I told Henry as I turned back to him.

"So how exactly are we planning on carrying him?" He paused, obviously thinking about it. "I think I can take his weight on my own."

"You want to carry him by yourself?" I asked incredulously. Surely he wouldn't be able to carry him all that way?

"We might drop him if we piss about trying to carry him together," he continued. I could tell, from the urgency in his voice that he just wanted to get Jasper home.

"Fair point," I muttered. "But if you get tired, then you tell me and I'll take over."

He nodded then knelt down in front of Jasper, propped him up so that he was sitting up, and then picked him up, with him half over his shoulder. I was standing right behind them just in case Henry toppled.

"Are you alright? You got him?" I asked as Henry started walking, he seemed pretty sturdy on his feet, but I was still cautious.

"Yeah, yeah, he's not that heavy," he said over his shoulder as I quickly bent down and chucked the bottle in the bin before jogging to catch up with Henry.

"He's over six foot tall and you're telling me he's _not that heavy_?"

"Okay, maybe he's heavy, but I can manage," he added. I had to hand it to him, even as he spoke, he didn't sound like he was out of breath, so I knew that he was telling the truth. "Where's the dog?"

I cussed and glanced around, noting that the stupid mutt was currently sniffing around the bin still.

"Hey, get over here," I shouted, feeling completely stupid. He looked up, but didn't move. I sighed. "Come on, Brian, let's go."

_Brian_, listened this time and came running over to us. Henry chuckled to himself, but I held my hand up before he could say anything.

"Not a word," I hissed. I could see the grin on his face, but he did as he was told and didn't make a comment.

It was silent for a long while as we walked, I kept shooting glances at Henry every once in a while, checking that he wasn't about to fall over. If the situation wasn't so God damn worrying, I would have found it funny. To passers by, it would look like we were about to dump a dead body.

But it wasn't funny, it was fucking serious, and the sooner we got him home, the better.

"Which number does he live at?" Henry asked, sounding really out of breath now. I grimaced and pointed further down the road towards number twenty-two. I barely took my eyes off of him as he walked towards the house and up the path.

"Stand back a bit," I told him as I cautiously walked towards the door. Henry snorted but stayed still.

"The door isn't about to blow up, Emm."

I shot him a dirty look before knocking on the door. From where Henry was standing, you wouldn't be able to see him from the doorway. I heard someone unlocking the door and a second later, a petite, light brown haired woman appeared.

"Are you Mrs Whitlock?" I enquired. I don't know why, but she seemed to grimace before nodding her head. "I'm Emmett, one of Jasper's friends," I continued. Her expression dropped and she nervously bit her lip into her mouth.

"Are you looking for him?" she asked hesitantly and immediately I knew that she didn't know where he was. Had they had a big argument? Was that why he'd done this to himself?

"No," I began slowly, not knowing how I was going to say this. "I found him… passed out in the park."

She gasped audibly and covered her mouth with her hand from the initial shock of what I had told her.

"Oh my God! Where is he? Was he breathing? Did you call an ambulance?" she said, firing questions at me frantically. I sighed and turned back to Henry, then signalled for him to come to the door. Henry stepped forward, he was holding Jasper differently now. He was somehow standing up, or at least supporting some of his own weight.

His mom rushed forward, taking his face in her hands. But as she did so, she froze and turned back to me, her hands dropping to her sides.

"What did he do to himself?" she asked, her voice barely a whisper.

"There was an alcohol bottle nearby, it was nearly empty," I informed her in a grave voice. I hated that I had to be the one to tell her.

She visibly blanched as I finished, and her bottom lip started to tremble. "Which drink?" she asked as her eyes started to water. Her behaviour made no sense to me. Why did it matter which drink it was? A drink was a drink. But I answered her nonetheless.

"It was a bottle of Jack Daniel's."

She suddenly looked nauseous. Again, it confused me, and I wanted to question her, but Brian decided to bark at the exact same moment, making us both jump. I had totally forgotten about him again.

Before I could open my mouth again, she signalled for Henry to bring Jasper inside. I stepped out of the way and allowed them all to go inside. As I walked inside, Brian started pulling on the lead, trying to get away from me. I let go, not wanting to mess around trying to get him to follow me into the main room.

Jasper was now on the couch, apparently out cold yet again, with his mom sitting beside him, running her fingers through his hair. She was full on crying now, and she wasn't trying to brush them away.

Henry gave me a worried look before stepping back out of the room. I cleared my throat awkwardly, making her turn back to me.

"Thank you for bring him back home," she said, hiccupping from the tears.

"Its okay, Mrs Whitlock," I replied. "I'm just glad I found him when I did."

She nodded and walked towards the door, but I stopped her. "I can let myself out. You just stay here with Jasper."

She smiled weakly then turned back to Jasper and sat down. I left the room quickly and went towards the front door, but when I saw that Brian wasn't with Henry, I stopped.

"Where's Brian?" I hissed.

"I don't know, I thought he was with you," he replied shrugging. I sighed and turned back into the house. That was when I saw the dog sitting with a small, blonde haired girl who was no older than Frankie. She had Brian sitting next to her on the stairs and she was combing her fingers through his fur.

I smiled when she looked up at me. I sat down next to her, not saying a word. She bit her lip, something her mother did, and looked up at me with large, beseeching eyes.

"What's wrong with Jasper?" she asked in a quiet voice. I grimaced and looked towards the room where Jasper was in. I knew I had to lie to her, even though I didn't feel happy about it.

"My brother and I found him asleep in the park and so we brought him back home," I told her, trying to use the most convincing smile I could. She gave me the distinct impression that she knew I was lying, which was very perceptive for a girl her age. But she nodded nonetheless and looked down at Brian.

"What's your dog's name?" she asked after a brief moment of silence.

"He's called Brian," I murmured.

She pulled a face. "That's a silly name for a dog."

I grinned. "Thank you! My little brother thought it was a good name."

She shook her head in disagreement at my words, still pulling a face. "So, what would you call him?"

She smiled and answered immediately with, "Jasper."

The ironic thing was that Brian's gay cousin was called Jasper in Family Guy, but I knew she was naming him after her brother, which was kind of cute. I'd never see Frankie naming his pet after me.

"Jasper says I shouldn't talk to strangers," she mused, changing the subject yet again.

"Your brother's right," I told her as I nodded my head. "But, if we tell each other what our name is, then we won't be strangers anymore. How does that sound to you?"

She gave me a long, hesitant look. "Are you Jasper's friend?" she asked quietly. In that moment, I couldn't help but notice how alike Jasper and his little sister were. Both of them were slow to trust people.

"Yeah, I'm Jasper's friend," I told her. My response seemed to make up her mind to answer me.

"Okay, my name's Emily, but Jasper calls me sweetie," she replied with a coy smile, and against my more masculine judgement, I thought it was pretty darn adorable. Jasper was quite obviously her idle, the one she looked up to. I hoped that my three year old sister, Cally-May, would be like that with me in a couple years.

"Well, hello there, Emily, my name is Emmett," I told her as I ducked my head as I a greeting. She giggled happily at my response. "Are you laughing at my name, girlie?" I said, feigning a wounded expression, but I couldn't pull it off for long.

"It's funny," she replied, giggling some more. I was about to reply when Henry stepped in through the doorway and gave me a look that said _hurry the hell up._ I sighed and turned back to Emily.

"I'm sorry, girlie, I gotta go, Brian needs to get home," I told her as I stood up. She smiled at me before patting Brian one last time.

"Bye, Emmett," she said, giving me a quick wave. "Bye, Brian."

The dog made a strange yapping sound in response. "Bye, Emily," I murmured as I waved back at her, before turning away and walking towards the door. I gave her one last look, but she wasn't looking at me anymore, she was looking in Jasper's direction, a worried expression engraved in her features, something that should never be seen on a girl so young.

It was silent for a long while as we walked back home, until finally, Henry broke the silence between us.

"So, what the hell did we just get involved in?"

I grimaced and didn't answer straight away. "I don't know, Henry. I honestly don't know," I said with a sigh. "I don't know what would make him do something like that to himself."

"Maybe he had an argument with his mom? She sure did look guilty about something when we told her what happened," he continued.

I nodded. "I was thinking that, too. She certainly looked like she knew something we didn't. But would you drink like that after an argument? I know I wouldn't if I had an argument with Ma."

"It could have been a bad argument." He was reaching now, he knew that. We both sighed. "You need to talk to him, Emm," he said in a serious voice.

"I know," I agreed. "But what the hell do I say to him? _Oh, hey, Jasper, what fucked you up the other day? _As if I can say that."

"I'm being serious, Emm. Talk to Ma, she'll know how to deal with this kind of shit, she always knows what to say."

I nodded once again, knowing that he was right. "Okay, I'll talk to Ma about it. But you have to keep this to yourself. Jasper is the type of guy that _hates _attention. He would hate it if people knew about this."

"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone," he assured me, and I could tell he was telling the truth. It went silence once again and I grimaced as I thought about how I was going to talk to Jasper. But most of all, I wondered if he'd even tell me. I had a strong feeling that he wouldn't.

* * *

**Jasper POV**

It felt as if I was drifting, drifting in an endless amount of _nothing_. I knew it wouldn't last though, the peaceful things never did. I heard a voice at first, it was muffled, but I knew it was Mom.

I tried to keep myself in the nothingness, but there was only so much I could fight, and the pounding in my head was something I couldn't defeat. It felt as if someone was hammering against the inside of my skull, trying to cause as much pain as possible whilst pissing me off at the same time.

I couldn't hold it off any longer, and my eyelids fluttered. I groaned loudly; the lights were far too bright. I wondered briefly, before she spoke, how I had managed to get back home. Had I staggered home without realising? It was possible, considering the amount I had drunk.

"Jasper?" There was a flurry of different emotions in her voice. Worry. Anger. Disappointment. Fear. Stress. It was all because of me, but that didn't mean I wasn't feeling remorseful at all. It wasn't as if she hadn't done this numerous times herself. She was merely going through what I had to every time she came home drunk.

"Jasper, I know you're awake. Open your eyes," she instructed, trying to keep her voice level, but failing miserably.

_No_, I thought to myself. _I'm not awake, I'm dreaming, and this past year has just been a horrible fucking nightmare. _A cold, heartless laugh escaped my lips before I could stop myself. Who was I kidding? This wasn't a dream, this was my life. My life was the fucking nightmare.

I opened my eyes and winced as the sharp pain lashed through me, but I didn't close my eyes. Instead, I turned to look at Mom, finding myself unable to be surprised at the slightly fearful expression on her face.

"Jasper," she whispered as she reached out her hand towards me. I flinched away from her and sat up, stopping momentarily as the room span around me. I stood up somehow, even though everything was hard to focus on.

As soon as I was completely upright, I felt my stomach churn painfully. Before she could say another word, I whipped around and left the room, stumbling towards the toilet as quickly as possible.

I fell to my knees just as the bile rose up my throat, burning a path through my body worse than the alcohol had. Even after my stomach had been emptied, I still continued to retch, my body trying to bring up something that wasn't there.

When I finally knew that it was over, I pressed my hand down on the flush, only just finding enough strength to do that. My arms were weak, and I let them fall down to my side as I slumped back against the wall, closing my eyes. It was silent for a long moment as I waited for my stomach to settle.

"Here," Mom whispered from beside to me. "Drink this. It'll help soothe your throat."

I opened my eyes, looking at the glass of water in her hands. I took it, even though a part of me wanted to ignore her. But my throat was burning, and the taste in my mouth was enough to make me want to be sick again, so I gulped it down, though it didn't taste nice.

Once I handed the glass back to her, I tried to stand up, and as her hand came down onto my arm, supporting me, I wanted to pull away. I didn't, because regardless of how much I wanted to disagree, I did need her help to stand up.

But as soon as I was upright again, I moved out of the room and towards the stairs. I knew Mom wouldn't allow me to get there, and a second later, I felt her hand on my arm. I flinched away this time, yet still spun around to look at her.

"We need to talk about this," she said, her voice shaking. In that moment, she looked smaller than she usually did, and I wondered whether that was what fear and uncertainty did to you.

"What is there to talk about?" I asked monotonously. I thought she was going to back down and not continue. No, I _hoped _that she was going to do that, but she didn't.

"We need to talk about what you did," she continued resolutely. "And we need to talk about _why_ you did it."

My gaze hardened as I stared at her. "Why don't you tell me why you do it, and then you'll find your answer."

She pursed her lips, which stopped the way they had been quivering. "This isn't the same thing."

"Too fucking right this isn't the same thing," I spat, my hands shaking. "But the reasons will still be the same. You do it because you want to _forget_ and _escape_ the constant feeling inside your chest that doesn't fucking disappear."

Tears started falling from my eyes about the same time they started falling from hers, but our tears were different. Mine were hot and angry, hers were because she was upset and she knew what I was saying was true.

"It doesn't help, Jasper, drinking will not take it away," she whispered as she wiped the tears from her cheeks.

I laughed heartlessly once again. "And this is coming from the alcoholic," I said, each word being punctuated with a short breath.

Her face crumpled and she started crying harder, I knew for a fact that I would regret my actions at some point in the future, but right now, all I think about was leaving the room. She didn't stop me when I turned away, she didn't call out to me when I walked out of the room, just as I expected.

I slowly made my way up the stairs in a robotic manner. Emily came out of her room as I reached the top step. She called out my name and started walking towards me, but I didn't look at her. Nor did I look to see where she was as I stepped into my room and shut the door behind me.

It was one thing being a jerk to Mom, but being like that with Emily? That was a very big no, yet here I was, pretty much shutting the door in her face, blocking her and everyone else out.

There was one thing about Emily though, and that was that she knew me more than anyone did, and so instead of walking right in here, like everyone else would have, she sat down outside my door. I saw her shadow underneath the door, and that alone would have made her go up to her and let her in, but not today.

I slumped down on the bed and looked up at the ceiling, but when I saw the cracks in the plaster, I turned onto my side and closed my eyes, trying my damn hardest to forget it all.

* * *

I fell asleep, or at least that was what it felt like. By the time I turned over and looked at the clock, I saw that it was very late in the evening. I sat up and was about to step out of bed, when something on the floor caught my eye.

I froze completely as I saw Emily curled up on the floor with her pillow. She was wearing the woollen hat I had given her, and was fast asleep. It felt as if someone had punched me in the gut with an iron fist as I remembered the way I had acted with her earlier. Nonetheless, here she was, staying by my side. I didn't deserve her, I didn't deserve anyone.

Without thinking, I slowly got off the bed and bent down, picking her up in my arms. I had the feeling that she was awake once I sat back down on the bed with her on my lap, but she kept her eyes closed.

I don't know when I realised that I was crying, but when I did, it didn't take me by surprise.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, my voice sounding more broken than ever. "I'm sorry for the life I've dragged you into. I'm sorry that you have to be the one comforting me, I'm sorry that you had to do it. I'm sorry that I can't give you the childhood you deserve."

I don't know how many times I told her that I was sorry, nor do I know how long I sat there, but during that time I had shuffled backwards so that I was leaning against the wall.

As the minutes passed by, I started drifting off again, and as I did, I heard Emily whisper, "I'm sorry you're not happy."

* * *

**27****th**** April 2009**

I looked paler than normal, and the bags under my eyes were undoubtedly the most prominent they'd ever been. I knew the moment Alice saw me was the moment she knew Maria's anniversary had been and gone.

"Why didn't you tell me?" That was the first thing she said to me. "I could have been there for you."

_It wouldn't have changed anything._

_It wouldn't have helped._

_The truth would still be the same._

_She still would have died a year ago._

_You wouldn't have changed a thing by being there._

"I wanted to be alone." That was the only response I could think of that wouldn't hurt her feelings, even though I didn't know whether that was the truth or not. I don't really know if she believed me though.

I was silent for most of the day, barely even responding to the teachers when they talked to me. I knew that the people around me were aware that something had happened, but none of them asked. Maybe they knew that I wouldn't give them an answer. Because the last thing I wanted was for them to know what happened. I didn't want any of them knowing, not even Alice.

Lunchtime was the worst. It seemed that Emmett channelled most of his attention onto me. I would catch him looking at me, but when I would meet his eye, he wouldn't look away like others would, and it was _me _that would look away first. His behaviour towards me was confusing, and a small part of me wanted to confront him, but I knew that, like everyone else, he was noticing something was wrong, and he most probably wanted to find out what had happened.

"Jasper," he finally said at the end of the lunch break. By that point, his staring and cautious, worried glances had pissed me off, and I wanted him to fucking pack it in already.

"What?" I snapped, knowing I was being too abrupt, but also knowing I quite frankly didn't give a fuck. My brusque response must have taken him by surprise, as he stopped and didn't say another word.

"Well?" I demanded, and as he stood there staring at me, I saw the moment he decided not to say anything to me. He looked disappointed as I turned from him and walked away.

I barely talked to Alice during History, and she even offered to drive me to pick up Emily, when usually she never asked, she just did it. Nonetheless, I declined, preferring to be on my own.

Mom was already in when Emily and I arrived home, which was strange, considering she was usually working till late. I eyed her cautiously, knowing that she was home because of me.

"How was your day?" she asked in a forced cheery voice. Thankfully, Emily answered first and began prattling about what had happened that day at school. Mom listened and responded as any other mother would, but I could tell, from the way she kept glancing at me, that she wanted to hear about my day more. Not that there was anything to tell her.

"Jasper," she said, after sending Emily off upstairs. "Did your friend talk to you about what… happened yesterday?"

I jolted at her words. Who was she expecting me to talk to? Alice? Did she think I would just openly discuss it with her? Just because we talked about a lot of things, it didn't mean I would converse with her about all the shit in my life.

"What do you mean?" I asked. "What makes you think I would talk to Alice about what happened?"

A flash of uncertainty flitted across her face, but it multiplied the moment she looked down at her hands.

"I don't mean Alice," she mumbled, quickly meeting my eye then looking away again. I stared at her for a long moment wondering who she could possibly mean. There wasn't anyone else I would even consider talking to about this.

"Well, who do you mean then?" I demanded, getting irritated.

She bit her lip into her mouth and I was certain she wouldn't continue. "The tall, brawny one, I'm not sure what his name is."

"Emmett?" It was more me speaking my thoughts aloud than asking her to verify. "Why would I talk to Emmett about it?"

I wanted to ask her how she knew about Emmett because I couldn't remember telling her about him, maybe in passing, but nothing substantial enough for her to remember him. But at that thought, another emotion flickered across her face, and this time it wasn't so easy to place. Was it realisation? Shock? Regret? But whatever it was, it looked as if she didn't want to say what came out of her mouth next.

"Emmett was the one who brought you home," she whispered in a quiet, barely there voice.

My whole body went cold as the realisation of her words hit me square in the chest. I had wondered briefly the moment I woke up, who had found me, but I'd paid little attention to it after that.

But now that I knew the truth, I wished I didn't. Emmett knew. He saw me in the drunken, messed up state I had been in during Maria's anniversary.

He knew.

* * *

**A/N****: What's going to happen now? Jasper knows that Emmett saw him on Maria's anniversary. Will Emmett talk to him? What will Jasper tell him? You'll find out in the next chapter.**

**Please review! I will give you a teaser if you do. My aim: 390 reviews, or as close to 400 you can get.**

**I have to do this, I'm sorry.**

**Henry: **"Where's the dog?"

**Me:** "Jacob's not in this story, Henry."

***laughs***


	35. Chapter 34

**A/N****: Chapter 34!**

**This is another favourite chapter of mine. I adore Emmett and his family, so as the title to this chapter states, I'd like you to meet the McCarty's. They're awesome.**

**I'll be brief here: Thank you to my readers, reviewers, and my beta, Juniper294. Without all of you, I wouldn't be as happy with this story as I am right now.**

**Disclaimer****: I own the McCarty's, but I don't own their name. Technically Stephenie Meyer doesn't even own that name, it's just a name she chose for Emmett. But for the sake of this disclaimer, Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight related.**

**I used a couple of lines from Midnight Sun in this chapter. If you're familiar with MS, then I'm sure you'll recognise them.**

* * *

**Chapter 34 – Meet the McCarty's**

**11****th**** May 2009**

**Jasper POV**

I had been extremely cautious the next morning when the bus had pulled into the school gates. I was expecting Emmett to pull me to the side and ask me what the fuck was wrong with me, and every time he talked to me, or called my name, my heart would beat a little faster and my hands would feel cold and clammy. Then every time he would talk about something totally unrelated to my messed up past, I would sigh with relief. Yet, all the while I would be sitting there wondering when he was going to confront me.

That had been two weeks ago now, and still, he hadn't talked to me about it, and I was beginning to believe that he would never question me on it.

"That was such a sick shot though," Emmett recounted whilst shaking his head. "I don't know how you got him from _that _far away."

Edward smirked. "I'm just _that_ good."

"Or you're just lucky," Emmett shot back immediately. He sounded slightly peeved off about something. "I bet you wouldn't be able to do it again when we're playing online later on tonight."

"I bet you I could." Emmett looked like he was about to retort with something else, but Edward held his hand out to stop him. "Oh, put your dummy back in, Emmett. You're just jealous I managed to get him before you did!"

"I told you I wanted to kill him!" Emmett cried. I glanced back to Edward who seemed to roll his eyes and sigh at the same time.

"And did you tell me their screen name? I don't think you did," he replied. "How am I supposed to know who you were on about? I'm not a mind reader, Emmett. You have to use something called _words_."

Emmett grabbed his bottle of drink and chucked it at Edward. Edward threw it back at him and started laughing. They had been having this argument for the majority of the lunch hour. Apparently Emmett wanted to kill someone in their video game, but Edward managed to kill him first.

I wasn't really sure what game they were talking about, I could only assume from the way the girls were ignoring them that it was one of those war games. I was currently sitting in the middle of the two groups. Edward and Emmett were to my left while Rosalie, Bella and Alice were to my right.

When I turned towards the girls and listened into their conversation, I was greeted with a series of weird looks. Their conversation seemed to die down until I got the message and turned back to Edward and Emmett.

"Face it, Emm, I just have quicker reactions than you," Edward exclaimed in a smug voice. Emmett's eyes narrowed as he stared at Edward. He snatched at the bottle again and chucked it at Edward, but he managed to snatch it out of the air before it hit him.

"Bastard," Emmett muttered as he took a bite of his lunch. It was then that he seemed to realise that I was listening to their conversation.

"So what games do you like playing, Jasper?" he asked. Edward turned to look at me in the same moment.

"Yeah, what's your favourite game? I'm sure Emm and I have them, too. We could have one of our Xbox marathons."

Emmett smiled enthusiastically and leaned forward as he waited for me to answer. I looked between them, wondering how I was going to tell them that I'd never played on an Xbox before.

"I don't actually have any favourite games," I told them, making them both frown at me.

"Okay, well there must be one you like playing?" Edward continued.

I shook my head slowly. "I… haven't played it before…"

It went completely silent as I finished. Edward and Emmett shared a shocked glance before turning to look at me again.

"You mean you've _never _played on an Xbox before?" Edward asked incredulously.

I shrugged my shoulders. "I never had one in Texas, and I don't really want to get one now."

They both shook their heads looking slightly incredulous that I didn't want something they loved so much. I didn't want to think about what their expressions would look like if I told them that I couldn't _afford_ to buy the games, let alone the Xbox itself.

"I pity the fool who has no Xbox," Emmett shouted in his best Mr T impersonation, and after they'd all managed to control their laughter, Emmett turned to face me again.

"Seriously, though, I think it's about time that you lose your Xbox virginity," he said in a very serious voice. "You're gonna come back to my house after school on Thursday and I can introduce you to the world of Xbox epicness."

So it was set, I was due to go round to Emmett's after school on Thursday, and after taking out a massive favour with Esme, she promised to look after Emily while I was out.

To say I wasn't apprehensive about the trip would have been a lie. But Maria's anniversary had been weeks ago, and I was hoping that Emmett had forgotten it had ever happened. There was a large part of me that knew that was never going to happen.

* * *

**14****th**** May 2009**

Emmett wasn't out yet when I got to his Jeep. I recognised his brother standing with two of his mates, but I wasn't about to go stand with them. I leant back against the side of the Jeep and waited for Emmett to arrive, but Rosalie arrived first. She smiled at me and came to stand next to me.

"Are you going to Emmett's house tonight?"

"Yeah," I replied, nodding.

She chuckled softly. "You ever met his family before?"

I shook my head. "Only Lewis, that's about it, why?" I asked, suddenly getting curious.

"You think Emmett is bad sometimes… just you wait," she replied, a sly smile spreading across her face as she spoke. "You'll find out soon enough."

My eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Rosalie…" I warned. "What are you implying?"

She laughed merrily but didn't answer my question; she was obviously enjoying my discomfort. But before I could answer Emmett arrived taking the space next to Rosalie, he slung his arm around her shoulder.

"What's poppin', bro?" Emmett asked but before I could respond, Lewis joined us and answered for me.

"Rosalie is giving Jasper all the dirty laundry on the McCarty clan," he joked before laughing loudly, something Emmett did quite a lot.

"I hope she's making it good," he said with a chuckle, before squeezing Rosalie playfully beside him.

"Oh, just the barest hint of scandal," she teased then turned to look at me. "Don't worry, Jasper. Everyone has had to brave the McCarty house at least once in their lifetime."

They all laughed at her remark.

"But I have three pieces of advice for you. Firstly, don't start any fights because without a doubt you'll _always_ lose. Secondly, grab the food while it's still there, and finally, worship the ground that Sarah McCarty walks on. She's my hero."

"Jesus, Rosie-Poo, you're making our crib sound like a crack house," Lewis remarked.

"Dude, never call our house a crib again," Emmett muttered, shaking his head.

"And don't call me Rosie-Poo, either," Rosalie chimed in as she slapped him on the arm. I couldn't help but admire how at ease they were with each other.

"Come on, people, let's roll," Lewis boomed before taking the keys from Emmett and getting into the passenger seat of the Jeep. Emmett just shook his head at his brother's words and turned to say goodbye to Rosalie. It was only then that I noticed Alice was standing next to me, I hadn't even seen her walk up.

"It's going to be strange not having to drop you off at the school today," Alice muttered as we waited for Emmett and Rosalie to stop kissing.

"Emily's going over a friend's house today, so I don't have to worry about picking her up," I replied.

"I would have looked after her though, if you didn't have anyone to look after her," Alice told me.

I smiled at her briefly. "Thanks, I'll remember you said that," I joked.

"You've done so much for me already, it's only fair that I do something in return," she whispered in a serious voice.

It was only when Emmett cleared his throat that I realised we had turned to face each other completely so that we were practically huddled together.

"Guys, you have enough time for your daily chit chat later," Emmett told us. "You wanna visit the marvellous Xbox you better hurry the hell up."

"Alright, alright," I said as I hugged Alice and said goodbye to Rosalie.

"See you on the other side," Rosalie whispered as I pulled away, she winked at me then walked over to her car that was parked two spaces down.

I got into the back seat of the Jeep and settled down, Lewis and Emmett were already seated and so as soon as I was buckled in we pulled away.

"I can't wait till I can drive," Lewis mused, but at Emmett's snort, he turned to glare at him. "What the hell did you snort for?" he demanded.

"As if Ma will allow _you _to get your own car," he replied, a small chuckle escaping his lips. "You'd crash it like a week later."

"Fine, I'll just borrow your Jeep while you're at college," Lewis replied, I could hear the smugness in his voice.

"Jog on, mate, you really think I'm leaving my keys behind?"

Lewis grumbled something unintelligible then went on to glare out of the window, I caught Emmett's eye in the rear view mirror. I could tell her was trying to control his laughter just so he didn't really piss his brother off.

The drive back to Emmett's house was pretty quick, Emmett didn't wait around for anyone; he drove as fast as possible. Lewis got out the Jeep first and went inside, he was nowhere to be seen when Emmett and I got inside.

We were about two steps into the house when we heard a child squealing. "Emmiiiiiiiik!" she cried in excitement. She was a tiny thing, with dark brown, curly hair. She looked no older than three years old.

Emmett bent down and scooped her up in his arms. He spun her around quickly before holding her under his arm. She squealed again and kicked her legs wildly, yet he didn't let her down.

"Cals, this is Jasper," Emmett said as he held her properly. A massive toothy grin formed on her face as she turned to look at me.

"Jazpie!" she exclaimed as she clapped her hands together. We both chuckled at her as Emmett led us into the main room. My eyes landed on a large picture frame, a family portrait. My mouth fell open as I took in each of their faces.

"Jesus _Christ_! Are these all your brothers?" I asked as I looked at them each in turn, they all looked the same!

"Yep, meet the McCarty clan," he said as he came to stand next to me. "Henry is the oldest at nineteen; he's away at college at the moment. Lewis is fifteen, he's after me. You've met him of course. Then there's Eoghan he's twelve, then Franklin who is six, and finally little Cally-May, she's three."

I whistled in amazement. "Your mom must have been pushin' 'em out," I said, suddenly understanding what Rosalie said about worshipping her.

"Yeah, pretty much."

I spun around to find Emmett's mom standing in the doorway, a smirk spread on her face. I could feel my cheeks heating up in embarrassment.

"I'm sorry, Mrs McCarty, I really didn't mean it like that..." But she cut me off with a wave of her hand.

"Yeah, I know, and please, call me Sarah, okay?" she asked. I smiled awkwardly and nodded, still feeling completely mortified that she heard what I'd said. If Emmett didn't have his sister in his arms, he'd have been rolling around on the floor laughing.

"Put it there, Ma," he exclaimed as he gasped for air. He held his hand out to his mom and I watched in amazement as they high-fived. Sarah left the room after that, muttering something about having to start the dinner.

"I honestly feel sorry for you sister, being in a house with five older brothers," I told him, glancing at Cally-May who was currently playing with Emmett's hair.

He snorted, raising his eyebrows at me. "This little one-" he started the tickle her like crazy "-has us all wrapped around her little finger."

I watched as Emmett continued to tickle her, she squealed madly and squirming in his strong hold. I could see immediately that what he was saying was true, Emmett would do anything for her, as would the rest of his family.

Once he'd stopped tickling her, he carried her into the kitchen and placed her in the toddler chair then turned back to me.

"Come on, let's go upstairs," Emmett said as he walked from the room. I followed him up two flights of stairs, passed a couple of closed doors until finally we got to Emmett's room at the end of the corridor.

His room was _massive_. He had a double bed in the centre of the room, with massive wardrobes covering one side of the room. In the middle of the room were a couch and a flat screen TV with an Xbox and a stack of games below it. My room was pitiful compared to this.

"So, Xbox virgin, what game to you want to lose your virginity to?" he asked, his voice deadly serious. I stared at him, unable to keep a straight face as he used those words in the context of playing on an Xbox.

"I really don't know," I told him, not knowing which game to choose. Knowing me, I'd end up choosing the worst one.

"Call of Duty it is then," he said as he went and switched on the Xbox and inserted the game into the drive. I'd heard of Call of Duty before. Edward had been talking about it one time, telling me how 'epic' it was to play online. Apparently he whooped a load of English lads' asses when he was playing. I had no idea that you could play with people outside the country. I really needed to get with the times.

Emmett explained which buttons I had to press and showed me what they all did. I wasn't sure how he could remember it all without having to think about it. I watched as he loaded up the game and changed a load of the settings. I didn't follow what he was doing.

"Here you go," he said as he pointed towards the screen. "You can have a go at this level. All you have to do is shoot at civilians at the start."

"Shoot civilians?" I asked in shock. "I thought the point of these games were to save civilians."

Emmett shook his head. "Not this level. You're undercover and so you have to kill civilians. You get killed at the end anyway."

I scoffed. "I think I'm going to get killed long before it gets to the end of the level."

Emmett laughed. "Good point."

I smirked and sat back on the couch as the game started. I stared at the screen with my mouth wide open as the protagonists on the screen started randomly shooting at the civilians. It was brutal.

"Well shoot them then," Emmett exclaimed, urging me on. "You're going to miss all the fun."

My brow furrowed at his words. I couldn't see what was so fun about killing civilians, but then I shrugged and started playing. It was only a game after all. It wasn't as if it was real life.

* * *

I watched in shock as Emmett's mom walked in and out of the dinning room carrying numerous plates of food.

"Is all this really necessary?" I asked Emmett when Sarah had left the room once again.

Emmett smirked and pointed towards the food on the table. "Just you watch, all of this food will be gone by the end of the hour."

I gave him a questioning glance but didn't ask him to elaborate. This would be interesting to watch play out. Sarah finally brought the last of the food in then went out into the corridor and shouted for people to come downstairs.

It was silent for a moment before a series of boys came into the main room. I stared at them all in shock. They were all like mini Emmett's. You could tell they were all siblings.

"That ones Eoghan on the end," Emmett began as he signalled to the boy on the end who was leaning over the table in an attempt to get at the plate of vegetables in the middle. "Frankie's sitting next to him. But apart from that, you've met us all now."

I laughed and reached for the plate of food. I was going to comment on the fact that I hadn't met his oldest brother yet, but I didn't in the end as the dad walked in at the same moment. I tried not to let my eyes widen as I saw him. The guy was like one hundred percent muscle. But the soft expression on his face contradicted his appeared and I soon realised that Emmett took after his father in pretty much every way possible.

I couldn't help but smile as I looked around the table, now that the whole family was there. Even when they weren't saying anything, which was a very rare occurrence, you could feel the family vibe just oozing out of them all.

It was a nice difference to my own family life at home. I was used to the silence of just living with Mom and Emily, but here, I knew that the house would always be loud, it would always be full.

Emmett had been right, of course, all the plates were emptied by the end of the hour. I shouldn't have been surprised. There was eight people sitting around the table, six of which being males.

The two youngest boys disappeared first, shortly after Lewis got up and went back upstairs. I made sure my plate was cleared before I put my knife and fork down. Sarah got up then and took all the plates, but before she could get to mine I stood up and carried it into the kitchen.

She followed after me with a soft smile on her face. "Emmett always has such good friends," she began as she placed the plates in the sink. "They always bring their plates into the kitchen after eating."

"They're always trying to show me up," Emmett exclaimed as he stood leaning against the doorframe.

"Wouldn't take much for them to do that," Sarah muttered as she smirked in my direction. I laughed at the appalled expression on Emmett's face, even though I was slightly shocked at how laid back Emmett's mom was.

"You're going to regret ribbing me so much one day, Ma," Emmett replied as Sarah turned back to look at him.

"Oh really? Just you remember that I can pull the plug on your power station of a room upstairs," she shot back as she raised her eyebrow at him.

Emmett visibly blanched. "You wouldn't…"

Sarah laughed and stepped towards him before pinching his cheek. "Would I do that to my Emmykins?"

Emmett glared and pushed her hand away softly. Sarah laughed and turned away from him again. It was strangely melancholic to watch their show of affection towards each other. Mom and I didn't have a relationship like this. I was almost envious of them.

"Alright, you two," Sarah began as she turned back to the sink. "You can disappear off upstairs now so that I can get on with cleaning this lot."

I was about to offer my help when Emmett signalled for me to follow him. I took one look at Sarah before following after him. He led me back upstairs and into his room.

He went to quickly check on his computer for a moment, leaving the room in complete silence. I couldn't help but look at all the photo frames on his desk. There were a couple of him and Rosalie as well as one of the six of them. I had to look away, finding it hard to look at any pictures with Robbie in them. Instead, my eyes landed on a picture of him and his older brother.

"I heard that your older brother is worse than you," I said as I continued to stare at the picture on his table of him and his brother. He turned back to me and smirked.

"Yeah, you could say that he's worse than me. I think I learnt from him," Emmett replied, chuckling.

"Maybe its best that I didn't meet him then," I joked. "One of you is enough."

I expected him to laugh, or grin even. But I didn't even manage to get the corners of his mouth to turn up.

"You have met him before," he said after a long moment of silence.

"What? When?" I asked as my brow furrowed in confusion. I couldn't remember ever meeting him, and I think I would remember meeting someone like that.

His expression was hesitant as he began. "It was a couple of weeks ago when I… found you in the park. He was the one I called to help get you home."

I tensed at the first mention of that day. My heart started beating faster, and my hands went cold and clammy like every time I thought about Emmett talking to me about it. Except this time, there was no escaping.

"Jasper," he began. I wanted to tell him to stop, and not bring this up now, or I wanted to just get up and leave. But I didn't do anything. "What happened? What made you do that?"

"I was having a bad day," I replied instantly, lying through my teeth. I watched as his jaw tightened and he pursed his lips.

"You had a bad day," he muttered slowly with a voice full of scepticism. "Dude, you have a couple of beers, or you go out with some mate when you're having a bad day. You don't go sit in the park on your own and down two thirds of a bottle of Jack D's. You damn near drank yourself into a coma."

I felt every emotions drain from my face as he finished. There would be nothing left to give me away, nothing to betray what I was really feeling. I hated talking about this. It made me sick just thinking about it. I wanted to get up and leave more than before, or shout at him saying that it was none of his fucking business.

Even though I knew full well that he didn't deserve that kind of response. Not when he was obviously approaching this subject because he cared about his friend. When we didn't say anything for a full minute, he sighed. He knew he wasn't going to get anything out of me.

"Jasper, you really worried me when I found you like that. I didn't tell anyone else at school, not even Rose. I didn't want them knowing about it and wanting to talk to you before I had. The only person I talked to about it was Ma and Henry. I only talked to Henry about it because he saw it, too. Ma told me to talk to you about it, and so that's what I'm trying to do."

I kept my voice cold and detached as I spoke. "Is that why you invited me over?"

He nodded. "It was partly the reason, yes."

I didn't say anything in response once he had finished. Instead I looked away and focused on a fly buzzing around the room without a care in the world.

"Come on, man," he exclaimed, sounding almost angry at me for my lack of response. "Don't fob me off by saying you had a bad day. Some serious shit must have gone down for you to do something like that to yourself."

When I met his eyes my gaze was long and hard and I wondered just how much he saw in my expression.

"Nothing happened, Emmett," I told him monotonously. "As I said, I was just having a bad day."

"Okay," he sighed in defeat. "I don't believe you, but okay. I get the picture. I know when someone doesn't want to talk about something."

It was completely silent then and I could feel his gaze on me. But I refused to meet it. Instead I looked at something behind him.

"I think I should go," I said after a very long moment of silence. Emmett gave me a disappointed look but didn't say anything to make me change my mind. There wasn't any point. You could feel it in the atmosphere around us, it was too tense, too awkward for us to continue like before.

I stood up then when he didn't say anything more. But as I was about to say goodbye, he stood up.

"I'm not going to forget about this, Jasper. Nor am I going to act like our conversation didn't happen. I just want you to know that I am here for you to talk to, as a friend. You've been a good friend to me these past months. You've helped us all a lot, and I just want to do the same for you."

"I know," I murmured as he finished talking. "I just… think that there are certain things that can't be talked about." I stopped, struggling to find the right words. There weren't any. "At least, not with someone that doesn't understand."

"What do you mean?" he asked. I saw the sincere look in his eyes, and I saw the worried look in them, too. Could I tell him? Could I really share the details of my broken past with him? I knew that if I did, and I asked him to keep it to himself, then he would.

I took a deep breath, as I felt my heart beat a little faster in my chest. "Emmett, I…"

The door opened then, and Emmett's younger brother stepped in, asking for one of Emmett's spare controllers. My mouth faltered over the unspoken words and then closed completely.

"I'll see you at school, Emmett," I said as I closed my eyes. I couldn't be sure if I was really going to tell him. I guess I would never know now. Emmett sighed and turned away and went to get his controller. He all but threw it at Lewis before turning back to me.

"I'll see you tomorrow," he muttered reluctantly. I nodded and turned away from him, making my way downstairs and into the main room to look for Sarah. I quickly thanked her for the dinner. She smiled at me warmly, but I could see from the look in her eyes that she sensed something different about me.

I made my own way out before she could question me on it. I didn't look back at the house as I walked away. All I could think about was that I had quite possibly come that close to telling someone else about my past.

I sighed and shook my head slowly as I made me way back towards the two people I didn't have to put on an act with.

* * *

**A/N****: *hides* please don't hate me! I know Jasper should have told Emmett, but there is a reason why he didn't. He came so close to telling Emmett, but alas, fate intervened, I guess you could say, and he didn't complete his sentence. I wonder if Emmett knows that he was going to tell him something real serious. Anyway, what did you think to this chapter? Do you love it like I do? I hope so because it's important. **

**Please review, it would make my day to**** get a new reviewer. My aim: 407 reviews.**

**Like last time, whoever gets the 400****th**** review will be allowed to request a special teaser from whichever chapter they wish, just like I did when I got my 300****th**** review.**

**Important Story Information**

**This story is now going on hiatus due to the fact the next block of chapters are not ready. It shouldn't be too long before I finish them. But I believe it is better to tell you I'm going on hiatus rather than not saying anything and making you think I've given up. Stick with the story though, I'll be back soon.**


	36. Chapter 35

**A/N****: Chapter 35!**

**The next chapter isn't ready, and I haven't gotten the one after that back from my beta. But I lost two favourites, so I decided to update again.**

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter and helped to get this story over 400 reviews. Even though it is only that high because of the amount of chapters I have, 400 still makes me incredibly happy. 500 here I come.**

**I'd also like to thank my beta, Juniper294. She helps me out a lot with the plot.**

**This chapter used to be twice the length, as at first, 35 and 36 were one chapter. But I think it was best that I separated them. Sigh. I swear the total of chapters in this story is going to go back up to 80 soon. It is at 78 right now, if you were wondering.**

**Disclaimer****: I don't own Twilight or Futurama. But I do own Emmett's brothers, and Brian, the McCarty dog.**

* * *

**Chapter 35 - Back to How it Used to Be**

**Jasper POV**

In the week after I'd went to Emmett's house after school, he'd tried to talk to me about what had happened. He stuck true to his word and didn't act like our conversation never happened.

In a way, I admired him for it. I could tell that he was a good friend and merely wanted to help me. But the only problem was, I didn't want his help, as rude as that sounded.

He gave up when I continued to tell him that it was just a bad day and that it wouldn't happen again. I don't think he believed me, just like all the other times, but he gave in and took what I said as the 'truth'.

What's more was that I don't think he told anyone else about our _situation_, nor do I think they had any idea that something was up between us. I know that Alice had noticed something. But then again, she always noticed. I didn't tell her what was wrong though, and I never told her what happened on Maria's anniversary.

But both Emmett and Alice seemed to forget about it as our finals loomed. I could tell the exams were stressing everyone out, and each of us was attending numerous different study sessions after school.

Our classes were filled with practice papers and important facts we had to learn off by heart. At lunchtime, Edward sat with a book in front of him, whilst the three girls sat with various review cards testing each other. Out of the six of us, only Emmett and I used the lunch hour for eating. He was the only one who agreed that they were spending too much time studying.

But then again, I understood why they were all stressing out with revision. They were all heading off to college next year, and had to get the best grades possible to get in. Well, excluding Alice as she was still being stubborn and refusing to go. Whereas I was staying at home, with the possibility that I might never go to college.

I was still trying, though, and when the finals came around at last, I think I was as anxious about them as everyone was.

* * *

**22****nd**** May 2009**

I watched in complete shock as the three girls turned away with the keys to Emmett's jeep in their possession. Emmett watched them leave, a strange expression on his face.

"I can't believe you let her take the Jeep just like that," I said. All he did was shrug in response.

"She said she really needed it for something important," he muttered with a slight defensive tone in his voice. "And besides, Lewis doesn't need a lift home today, so I let her take it."

Edward chuckled to my left. "Yeah, more like Rosalie's trunk isn't big enough," he said before shaking his head in laughter.

"What?" Emmett asked, totally clueless. "I took her to school this morning. Her car is at home and it would have taken them longer to go get it."

"Bella told me they're heading to Port Angeles to go shopping for dresses to wear to the birthday party and prom next month," Edward told him, I couldn't help but join in the laughter. "Dude, you're totally whipped."

Emmett merely shrugged his shoulders once again, as if he was accepting his fate. He was sober for a moment before turning to us with a massive grin on his face.

"You know what this means, right?" he asked excitedly. Edward, obviously catching on immediately, began to smile and gave him a high five.

"What?" I asked, totally confused. "What does this mean?"

"Xbox marathon!" they shouted simultaneously. I chuckled but didn't share their excitement. I'd only played on the Xbox once, and that had been at Emmett's house last month.

I rolled my eyes at them. "I think I'm going to have to pass up on this one, guys. I need to go get my little sister from school anyway, so I can't miss the bus."

"What? Don't be stupid," Emmett exclaimed. "I can get the bus with you. I'll pick up my little brothers at the same time. You can get your little sister and bring her back to the house with me."

I pursed my lips for a moment. Sure, I didn't mind going to his house, even after what happened last time, but Emily didn't know any of them. "I don't know, Emm, my little sister, she-"

"She will be fine," he said, interrupted me. "Trust me."

I was still unsure, but I nodded nonetheless. "Okay, we better get going though, the bus will go soon."

Emmett nodded and we both said goodbye to Edward who said he'd come online in about an hours time. We got on the bus at the last minute. I hadn't been on the bus for ages, and the fact that I was now on here with Emmett made it even stranger.

Emmett called his mom on the way there, telling her that he would go and pick up his little brothers so she didn't have to. Around the time he cut the call, it was our stop to get off.

His two little brothers were surprised to see Emmett waiting there for him, but the thing I was more surprised to see was Emily talking to Emmett's youngest brother, Frankie. It seemed like they were friends.

"Hey, Ems," I said as she came to stand next to him. I then turned signalled towards Emmett. "Ems, this is my frien-"

"Hi, Emmett," she chirped happily as she waved at him. I stared between her and Emmett as my mouth opened and closed a couple of times.

"Hey, girlie," Emmett replied, smiling.

She beamed at him. "Where is Brian?"

"Oh, he's at home today, you wanna go see him?"

She was about to answer when I raised my hands and stopped them both. "Whoa, stop, both of you. How do you know each other? And who the hell is Brian?"

Emmett smirked. "I've met Emily before, we had a little chat, didn't we?" he said, looking back at Emily, who nodded in response. "And Brian is my dog."

"He's not your dog," Frankie grumbled from Emmett's side. Emmett ignored him.

"You have a _dog_?" I asked, totally confused, and feeling completely out of the loop. How did my little sister know before I did?

"Yeah, I must have forgotten to tell you," he replied, shrugging. "We've had him like a month now. You probably didn't see him when you came over 'cause he was outside most the time."

"Oh right," I muttered, trying to remember if I ever heard him mention having a dog before. My mind came up blank.

"Come on, let's get going," Emmett said, taking Frankie's hand – against Frankie's will, of course, then started walking. Emily took my hand and together, we all walked back to the McCarty house.

When we got there, the dog, Brian, came running up to us.

"Jasper, meet Brian, our dog." Emmett waved his hand at the dog with very little enthusiasm. Emily let go of my hand and went straight towards the dog, just as Emmett's mom came out into the hallway.

"Well, haven't I got a full house today?" she mused with a smile.

"Sorry, Mrs McCarty, I promise me and Emily won't be a problem," I told her politely.

She gave me a genuine smile before turning to look at Emmett. "Why can't you be as polite as Jasper?" she asked, but didn't give him time to answer her question as she turned back to me again.

"Don't worry about it, Jasper, it's nice to see you again, and like I said the last time you were here, call me Sarah." She then turned her attention to Emily and Frankie and added, "Would you two like something to eat?"

Emily glanced up at me briefly, as if asking for my confirmation before she could go. I nodded and watched as she followed Sarah and Frankie into the kitchen. I didn't look away until they were out of sight. Emmett signalled for me to follow him upstairs, to the Xbox no doubt.

* * *

**Alice POV**

Rosalie did most of the talking as we drove towards Port Angeles. Bella was silent, apart from the times Rosalie addressed her directly. We were sitting next to each other, but the gap between us felt like more than a few inches.

The threads of our friendship were thin and were reaching snapping point. Sure, we talked to each other, it wasn't as if we completely ignored each other, we just didn't seem to talk how we used to. I knew, and I was sure that Bella did too, that there was a way of bridging the widening gap between us. But the only problem was, neither of us were making the first, albeit hardest, move.

I also knew that we both wanted to resolve the problems we had, and go back to the way things had been between us. However, that was easier said than done, considering so much have changed since then.

Those changes being Jasper, mainly, and I knew that Bella didn't understand our friendship. We could continue to tiptoe around each other and not make amends, quite easily, in fact. However, the fact that she was going away to college in a couple of months was always a constant thought of mine.

The last thing I wanted was for Bella to go away to college without our friendship being better than it was now. So I knew that even though today was meant to be the day we bought our prom dresses and our dresses for the party, I also knew that today was the day I would talk to Bella. I'd already talked to Rosalie about it. I wanted her to understand that Bella and I would need to spend some time in private. I just hoped I found the right moment.

When we arrived there, we headed towards the shops that sold dresses. Both Rosalie and Bella started looking through the rows of various prom dresses. I hung back, not going to look through them. I hadn't told them that I wasn't planning on going to the prom.

Rosalie was the first to notice that I was joining in. "What are you standing over there for?" she asked, confused.

I shrugged and nodded towards the dresses. "Those dresses are more suitable for prom, not parties."

Her brow furrowed. "Your point being? You still need to get a prom dress."

The floor suddenly got very interesting as I lowered my gaze. "I'm not going to the prom," I mumbled, only looking up at her once I'd finished speaking.

"What do you mean _you're not going_? Of course you're going! Alice, it's your last prom you get to go to, you can't miss out on it!"

"Rosalie, I don't want to be the third wheel. Prom is all about having a date and dancing to slow songs with them," I told her, feeling downcast as I was once again reminded that Robbie was gone.

She adopted a sad expression for a moment, understanding why I didn't want to go. "There are always people who don't have dates," she continued, obviously trying to change my mind. "Please go, it won't be the same without you. Come on, you can ask Jasper to accompany you."

I stopped, glanced at Bella, who up until that moment had remained looking through the dresses, was now looking between us with an unreadable expression on her face.

I'd never really thought about asking Jasper. Anyway, even if I did ask him, wouldn't that just make things awkward? Wasn't it always the guy who was meant to ask the girl out? If I asked him, it would just seem desperate, even if it was Jasper I was asking.

"If she doesn't want to go, then it's up to her. You can't tell her to pair up with someone," Bella exclaimed and I immediately sensed Bella's aversion towards the prospect of me and Jasper going to the prom together.

Rosalie glanced at me briefly with an expression on her face that said she'd picked up on it as well. She turned back to the dresses she was looking at and pulled one out without saying a word.

"I'm going to go try this on, you guys keep looking," she murmured and after a quick, meaningful glance at me, she walked towards the changing rooms. An awkward silence fell over Bella and myself, there wasn't really any explanation as to why it went awkward so easily.

"So," I began, stepping forward. "Has Edward asked you to the prom yet?"

She shook her head, and for a moment, I thought that was the only response I'd get from her.

"Not yet, I think we've kind of agreed we'd go with each other straight away. It's not like he has to ask, really. It isn't as if we were going to go with someone different."

I nodded and looked away. Robbie asked me last year, and we had been dating just as long as Edward and Bella had.

During my moment of thought, another bout of silence fell over us, and it was so blatantly obvious that the canyon between us was expanding again.

"Bella, we need to talk," I said, my voice a quiet whisper.

She looked at me, and I could see it in her eyes that she knew what I was referring to. "We are talking," she said, hedging ever-so-slightly.

Was she really going to make this even harder than it already was? Then it dawned on me that she sounded nervous, she probably didn't know what I wanted to say to her. I took a deep breath and led her over to some seats. There was an empty seat next to me, yet she still opposite me. Further away, I noticed. But I pushed that thought to the back of my mind.

"Bella, I know you have a problem with Jasper, and I don't really understand why you do. He hasn't done anything wrong, or done anything to offend you. Yet you still act the way you do with him, and because of that, we grew apart until we hardly talk anymore."

She sighed and looked down at her lap, biting her lip into her mouth. "I'm sorry, okay? I didn't want to fall out with you over this, and I certainly didn't want to grow apart. I hate that it happened anyway. I just want us to talk about things, like we used to. But with Jasper there, it just feels like you pay more attention to him than the rest of us."

I nodded because I could understand that, even though there was a part of me that wanted to disagree, I knew it was true. I did pay more attention to Jasper sometimes. But before I could respond, she continued.

"I know that it'll sound like I'm just jealous, and I guess, a part of me _is_ jealous over the fact you spend more time with him than you do with me. But ever since Robbie died, it's as if our friendship died with him. We were friends for a reason, Alice, not just because of Robbie. Yet now that he's not here, and Jasper is, it seems like Robbie was the only thing that held us together."

"I want to say that that isn't true, but in all honesty, that thought has crossed my mind as well. Robbie wasn't the only thing that held us together, but it seems like that right now."

It was silent and we both looked away. I could feel my eyes watering and I tried to hold them back.

"I wish things hadn't changed between us," I finally admitted. "You're like a sister to me, Bella, and I need my best friend back."

Bella wiped away a tear that had fallen from her eyes. "I wish things hadn't changed, as well. I miss hanging around with you, Alice. I miss all the little private jokes we used to have. Just the other week Edward and I were watching TV, and there was one of our favourite episodes of Futurama on. I was laughing so much and Edward didn't understand what was so funny."

I smiled, despite the tears in my eyes. "Was it the Christmas episode with evil Santa and the orphan robot?"

"Yeah, that's the one." She smiled, but after a second it left her face. "See, this is what I miss."

"Me too," I whispered, and then looked down at my lap for a moment. "I want it to go back to how it was between us. But you have to understand that Jasper is an important person in my life, and I want you both there and getting on with each other. I don't want to have to choose between the two of you because I won't be able to."

A brief flash of disapproval flitted across her face, but it was so brief that I wasn't one hundred percent sure that I had seen it. Although, I think it was more the case that I _hoped _I hadn't seen it because that right there was one of the reasons why we'd fallen out in the first place.

"I want us to try and work this out. I know that I have been spending a lot of time with Jasper, I can own up to that, and I promise that I'll work on trying to spend more time with the rest of you before you go off to college. But we've both got to put the work in. It's got to be a two way thing."

"I know," she said with a sigh. "I know that it's a two way thing, and I _promise you _that I will try. It's just hard for me to get used to seeing you two together all the time."

Once again, I nodded, understanding what she was saying. I knew that it must have been hard for everyone to see us together. But there was a voice in the back of my mind that was telling how easy it had been for me to grow close to Jasper. Sure, at the start, when we first met him, it was hard. But getting closer to Jasper was, well, it was effortless.

* * *

**A/N****: What did you think to this chapter? I hope you liked it. Let me know in a review!**

**I'd just like to mention the section about the finals. I haven't the faintest idea what they are like. I'm English, and I took GCSEs when I was sixteen. I just thought about them as I wrote that section.**

**Also, I love Futurama, so I made Bella and Alice love it, too. The whole favourite episode/evil Santa and orphan robot thing is a private joke me and my own best friend have. That episode makes us laugh every time. No one ever understands when we quote things from it. Oh, and don't diss Futurama :P**

**If you review this chapter, I'll send you a teaser for the next**** chapter. My aim is 422 reviews.**


	37. Chapter 36

**A/N****: Chapter 36!**

**Sorry for the wait, I've been having writers block with pretty much every new chapter I need to write for all four stories I write. For now, I seem to be getting my muse back. I wonder how long it'll last.**

**I'd like to warn you that I **_**hate**_** writing shopping scenes. I mean really hate writing them. I find them so very boring, which is why the shopping scene in this chapter is really bad. It looks rushed and crappy. Sorry about that. I hope you like it regardless.**

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. Also, thank you to Juniper294 for helping me out with this chapter.**

**Disclaimer****: Twilight shit I own: **Five books, two DVDs, three posters, New Moon calendar, New Moon soundtrack, three movie companion books, a Robert Pattinson calendar and a Jasper t-shirt.** Twilight shit I don't own: **Twilight or any of the characters mention in the books.

**When I say shit, I don't mean I think it is shit. I love my Twilight…shit. *smiles***

* * *

**Chapter 36 - The Here, the Now and Dancing With Alice**

**22****nd**** May 2009**

**Alice POV**

When Rosalie came back out, Bella and I were back looking through the dresses. I wasn't going to lie and say that things were suddenly better, but I could feel a difference in the way we were around each other, and that was a start.

"Did you like the dress?"

Rosalie shook her head, placing the dress back onto the rack. "Not really, it was too… covered up."

Bella laughed. "Too covered up?"

"What? I want to look good for Emmett," Rosalie replied. "Plus I want to wear something that will make him remember that night when he's miles away from me at college."

"I'm sure he'll remember the night, regardless of what you're wearing," I told her, my voice soft and reassuring.

"You're right," she finally agreed, then after a second she added, "And you'll remember the night, too, because you _are_ going."

"Rosalie." Her name left my lips in a tired murmur.

"Come on, Rose, you know once she's made her mind up, very few things will change it," Bella interjected.

I gave her a quick smile. "Exactly, now come on, we still need to buy dresses for the party next month."

* * *

After a good hour inside the shop, Bella and Rosalie finally picked out suitable prom dresses. Bella chose a simple knee length, dark green dress, while Rosalie chose a slightly longer midnight blue dress. They both looked amazing, and a part of me wanted to walk out of the shop with a dress of my own. There had been one I liked, but I didn't tell the others, knowing that Rosalie would take it upon herself to try and persuade me to buy it.

Port Angeles didn't have a wide range of shops, and after a series of unsuccessful trips, we finally found one that sold dresses we could wear to Rosalie and Edward's birthday party.

We were in there less than half an hour before I found a dress I liked. It was knee length and dark blue. Luckily they had one that was in my size, as usually the dresses they did have, would go down past my knee and make me look ridiculous.

With the dress draped over my arm, I went looking for Bella and Rosalie. I found them standing together, as Bella held a dress up to her body. The dress was a similar length to mine, although the neckline was different, and this one was a dark purple colour.

"Oh, I love the colour," I mused as I came to stand next to them.

"It suits her, doesn't it?" Rosalie added. After nodding in agreement, I noticed that Rosalie didn't have a dress of her own.

"Didn't you find any you liked?"

She shrugged. "There were a few, but I think I'm going to come back with Mom some other time."

"Okay, well, I'm going to try this one on," I said, signalling to my own dress. After Bella said she wanted to try her own one on, too, we made our way towards the changing rooms.

The shop was small, so we weren't surprised to find that they only had one cubicle to get changed in. Bella let me try my dress on first.

"Watch out for the hidden cameras," Rosalie whispered. Bella giggled whilst I rolled my eyes at them both.

"Don't start that again," I muttered.

Rosalie laughed. "What? You know it must happen somewhere."

I frowned. "Okay, don't tell me that when I'm about to get changed."

She smiled, but pretended to zip her lips. I shook my head before going into the changing room. Even though I knew it wasn't true, I did a quick scan of the room to check there were no camera holes in the ceiling or wall. When I was thoroughly convinced there was nothing there, I quickly removed my clothes and put the dress on.

I studied myself in the mirror, knowing that the dress looked good on me. I smiled, knowing that I really wanted to look good for the party. When I stepped outside, both Rosalie and Bella stopped their conversation and turned to look at me.

"I love that dress!" Rosalie gushed as she looked me up and down. "You two will look so good at the party."

I smiled as Bella said that she hadn't tried her dress on, and that it could easily look awful. I left them to it as Rosalie began telling her reasons why that were complete rubbish.

Neither of them noticed that I'd gone back into the changing room, and when I came back out minutes later in my normal clothes, they were still talking about Bella's dress.

"Right, that's me sorted," I said, getting their attention. They both stopped immediately. Bella stood up and disappeared inside the changing room, while I took her seat on the bench.

As soon as she shut the door behind her, Rosalie scooted a little closer. "So, did you get to talk to Bella earlier?"

I nodded. "Yeah, we're going to try and work this out."

"Good," she said with a smile.

It went silent then and I closed my eyes trying to construct my next sentence. "I spend too much time with Jasper, don't I?"

She faltered over her words before finally saying, "I don't know what to say, I mean you _do_ spend a lot of time with him. But…"

I shook my head. "This is my fault more than anyone else's. I pushed you all away. Maybe if I hadn't have done that, this wouldn't be how it is now between me and Bella."

"You had your reasons," she murmured.

"I wish there was a way of explaining it to you," I said with a sigh. "But I don't even understand it myself."

"What don't you understand?"

"The connection I have with Jasper." I didn't look her in the eye. "I felt it right from the start. I knew something was wrong and I wanted to help him, but now he's the one helping me. It's like it's all been reversed."

Her brow furrowed. "What do you mean, you knew something was wrong? What was wrong?"

My heart jolted as I realised my mistake. I was about to lie and tell her it was nothing, when Bella stepped out of the changing room.

"How do I look?" she asked, she was never the one who enjoyed dressing up, but from the smile on her face, I knew she liked the dress.

I looked her up and down, and then gave her an encouraging smile. "You look great, Bella. You should definitely get the dress."

"I agree," Rosalie chimed before asking Bella to turn around. As Rosalie stood up to further inspect the dress, I hoped that she had forgotten all about what I'd just told her.

* * *

After dropping Bella off at her house, Rosalie drove us to Emmett's. She was going to take me back home as well, but she changed her mind, telling me that Emmett was most probably on his Xbox and she would need me to help get him off to drive her back home.

When we knocked on the door, Sarah smiled and said, "Ah, my house is never one to be empty. Come in, girls."

We smiled and said hello as we stepped into the house. Rosalie started up a conversation with her while I went into the main room. I had heard someone talking about the dog before, but it surprised me how small it actually was in real life. I think it was a Jack Russell, but I wasn't completely sure. It was quite cute, really, just not the kind of dog you'd expect when you saw who lived here. It had black fur with random patches of white all over.

But what surprised me more was seeing Emily playing with Frankie. What was she doing here? When she saw me, she gave me a tentative smile before going back to playing.

Rosalie came in a moment later and sat down beside me. "Who's that?" she mouthed, nodding towards Emily, obviously not wanting her to hear.

"Jasper's sister," I whispered back.

"Jasper has a sister?" She sounded surprised, and in that moment, I realised just how little Jasper talked about his family. I nodded again and she went silent. I tried to read her expression, and I wondered whether she was disappointed that she didn't know that about Jasper.

I heard footsteps, and I assumed it was Emmett, but when Jasper appeared, I couldn't help but feel happy that he was here too. He gave me a quick smile, and I found myself hoping that he was as happy to see me as I was.

"Is Emm still playing?" Rosalie asked, sounding tired. After Jasper nodded, she got up and went towards the door, but stopped when she got to Jasper's side.

"Why didn't you tell me you had a little sister?" she asked as she playfully slapped him on the arm. Even though she meant it as a joke, I still saw Jasper's eyes take on a guarded manner.

He still hated to talk about his family with people around him, and it was in moments like these where I really noticed that part of him really hadn't changed at all since first meeting him.

"You never asked." He shrugged his shoulders, and I wasn't sure if it was just my eyes playing tricks on me, but I swear I saw the tension in his shoulders as he did so.

Rosalie looked at Emily briefly before turning back to Jasper and nodding. Neither of them said anything else, and she soon left the room. It was silent for a moment before he moved and sat down in Rosalie's old seat.

"Didn't you feel like playing games today?" I asked, breaking the silence between us.

"To be honest," he began, rubbing the back of his neck as he spoke. "I don't really ever feel like playing. It's not something I can see myself doing for hours on end like Emmett and Edward do."

I smiled quickly, knowing that Jasper thought the same as I did about video games and their uselessness.

"So, how was shopping?"

I pursed my lips, thinking of my conversation with Bella. "It was good and bad at the same time. It was good because I found a dress for the party and bad because I finally talked to Bella."

He raised his eyebrows, signalling for me to carry on.

"I talked to her about you, mostly," I admitted, looking down at my lap. "It's certainly better between us, and we did come to an agreement that we'd try. But I can tell she still doesn't really like the idea of us."

"Us?"

"Yes, us, what we have together," I clarified. He nodded, and he gave me the distinct impression that he already knew that about Bella. Well, I guess I did, too. It went silent again, and I was suddenly reminded about what Rosalie had said regarding the prom and asking Jasper to go with me.

I snuck a quick glance at him from the corner of my eye. He was watching Emily, smiling slightly as he did so. I tried to find the right words to say, but they just wouldn't come to me at all. So I decided to play it safe.

"Jasper," I began, my voice wavering slightly from the silly little nerves floating around inside my chest. "You know the prom…" I allowed my voice to trail away, giving him the time to acknowledge what I had said.

He nodded, and before I continued, I wondered whether he sensed how nervous I was in that moment.

"Are you going?"

"I wasn't really planning to, no," he murmured, almost hesitantly in fact, and I couldn't work out why.

"Oh." That was all I said, looking away, whilst trying to keep the disappointment out of my voice. I know that I failed because there was a part of me that had been excited over the prospect, and to hear that he wasn't going _did_ disappoint me.

"Why? Are you going?"

I thought of the best way to answer him without making it obvious that I wanted to go with him. "I don't know. I don't really want to be the third wheel, you know? So probably not."

I grimaced and looked down at my lap. If he didn't pick up on the disappointment before, then he certainly did now. It went completely silent, and I was ever so tempted to peak a glance at him when he did speak.

When I did, he looked as if he was seriously deep in thought. When he noticed that I was looking, he glanced at me. There was a look in his eye that I couldn't quite place. Nervousness? Confusion? Conflict? I couldn't tell which.

"Alice," he whispered, and I found myself leaning closer, wanting to know what he had to say. He looked away, with the tiniest of blushes on his face. "Do you want to… go to the prom, with me?"

I didn't move at first, or respond in any way. But slowly a smile spread across my face as a happy kind of warmth spread through my chest.

"Yes, Jasper, yes I do."

At my answer, he turned back to look at me, a smile much like my own mirrored onto his face.

* * *

**13****th**** June 2009**

**Jasper POV**

I didn't know why I asked Alice to the prom. Don't get me wrong, it was not that I didn't want to go with her, quite the opposite, in fact. It was just, the last prom-like experience I went to had been with Maria, and there was a part of me that wanted to keep it that way.

Nonetheless, here I was, putting on my tux, trying to make myself look half decent for Alice. The week before, Alice had gone back to Port Angeles to buy her prom dress, and in an attempt to rekindle the friendship they'd lost, she invited Bella to go with her.

But not only did she find out that Alice and I were going together, she also found out that _I_ was the one who asked her. Alice had text me from inside the changing room telling me that things were going well between them. Apart from when she had asked, and with a mild case of sour grape syndrome, whether of not I saw this as two friends accompanying each other to prom, or whether I was using it as a way in.

I'm not sure how Alice responded, she never told me, but knowing what Bella thought of me, fucked me off big time, and that was putting it lightly. However, regardless of what she thought, I didn't withdraw my invitation. Alice and I both knew that I wasn't looking for a fucking _way in_, I was doing this to make Alice happy, and right now, that was all I wanted.

We were meeting up at Rosalie's, where the girls were getting ready. I didn't have a clue where Rosalie lived, so Edward picked me up and drove me there. The three of us, Emmett, Edward and myself, I mean, had all arrived ready dressed and prepared to go.

The girls, however, had arrived with a truckload of make up, jewellery and smelly shit because apparently, Rosalie had the best mirrors for this kind of thing. We'd arrived early, for some unknown reason, which meant we had to wait.

But finally Rosalie's mother, who looked a hell of a lot like her daughter, came in and told us that they were all ready. I don't know why, but like in all the cheesy crap teen movies, we all waited at the bottom of the stairs as they came down.

My mouth fell open the moment they came into view. I knew that Rosalie and Bella were beside her, and I knew they probably looked equally as stunning, but all I could see was Alice, all I could think about was how beautiful she looked. Her hair was pinned back around her face, a distinctive contrast from her usual spiky crop.

I could tell that my gaze was affecting her as she they stopped in front of us. She looked down at the ground flushing, not looking up to meet my eye. I took a step towards her, mirroring Edward and Emmett's movements exactly. I held out my arm for her to take, which she did as she slipped her hand securely around my elbow.

"You look absolutely gorgeous," I murmured, knowing that the voice I used to say that wasn't the voice a friend would use. But in that moment, I really couldn't care less. She blushed furiously, and I couldn't help but notice how adorable it looked.

"Thank you, Jasper, you look rather lovely yourself," she replied, her voice was barely a whisper; I knew that no one else would have heard our little exchange. As we walked out together, I couldn't help but smile at her comment she had made.

I wasn't sure who organised the limo, but it was waiting outside for us when we stepped out. We all piled in and it drove us around Forks, so that we could get our moneys worth out of it.

But it pulled up at the school about thirty minutes later. In Texas, the prom had been held in a hired out hall, but Forks, always keeping in line with its small town reputation, was holding it in the school gymnasium.

It was decorated with silly little fairy lights and disco balls, and quite frankly looked very retro. But as we walked further in, I realised that above it all, it looked like home.

We found a table near the edge and sat down. The music was too slow and low key to dance, and there were not enough people here to mingle. Not that I wanted to, the people I wanted to talk to were the ones I'd arrived with.

People started arriving in groups, and slowly the music started to pick up. Emmett and Rosalie were the first to get up and dance, shortly followed by Edward and Bella. I got the impression she didn't want to, but after what she'd said about me, I had very little sympathy for her and was pretty much ignoring her tonight.

So that left me and Alice sitting at the table alone. It was silent between us as we watched the couples dancing and talking between themselves, and from the look in her eyes, I could tell she wanted to get up and dance as well.

"Do you want to dance?" I asked with the hint of nervousness in my voice, which was a totally stupid reaction, it was only Alice after all. She turned to look at me, smiled and nodded. We stood up and went over to where Emmett and Rosalie were dancing.

It was a fast song, and so we danced as a group. Surprisingly, I was having fun, and by the smile on Alice's face, I knew that she was too. But then a slow song came on and we both froze.

Emmett and Rosalie paired up, and as I looked around, I saw that Edward and Bella were now standing closer. Although they weren't swaying to the song, they were merely standing there, with their arms around each other.

I turned back to Alice, and saw her looking at me, her eyes wide. We were right in the middle of the dance floor, and it would be a challenge to get though the crowds and back to our table.

She moved towards me, and I assumed she was getting out the way of other dancers, but she smiled tentatively up at me.

"Do you want to dance?" she asked, just as I had, and she even had the hint of nervousness in her voice. Just as I had.

I swallowed over my suddenly dry throat and nodded, not bothering to respond verbally. God knows what my voice would sound like with all the nerves bouncing around inside my chest.

We stepped towards each other, and half raised our hands, then stopped when we realised that we didn't know what to do. Or, more likely, we didn't know where to _put_ our hands.

We gave each other timid smiles as I reached forward and placed my hands on her waist. I knew how to dance, I knew how you were _supposed_ to dance to slow songs, but now, with Alice, it felt completely new to me.

After the first hurdle, if you called it that, Alice rested her hands on my shoulders and we slowly started swaying to the beat of the song.

I don't know whether it was just me, but it felt as if many eyes in the room were on us. However, the urge to look around was very nearly nonexistent. I didn't want to look away. All I could concentrate on was the here, the now, and dancing with Alice.

* * *

**A/N****: What did you think? Jasper did ask Alice to the prom, and they danced. It was pretty cheesy in parts, but a good cheesy, right?**

**Please review! If you do, you'll get a teaser, like always. I'd love to get to 435 reviews before I post the next chapter.**


	38. Chapter 37

**A/N****: Chapter 37!**

**When I read through this chapter, I felt that something was missing. But I can't think what. I just hope you like it.**

**I'd like to thank everyone who reviewed that last chapter, totally blew my mind like always. But I'd like to send big thanks to JLBMOctober. I've lost count how many chapters she reviewed in the past week. She got me up to 460 reviews! I love you :)**

**Disclaimer****: My dad saw me writing earlier. His response was 'So, J.K (Rowling), what are you writing now?' Sadly, I'm not J.K. Rowling, nor am I Stephenie Meyer. I own nothing. *coughs* Go team RONSPER.**

* * *

**Chapter 37 - Hangover Central**

**20****th**** June 2009**

**Jasper POV**

Rosalie and Edward had hired another limo to take us all to their massive birthday party in Port Angeles. One of Emmett's uncles owned a club in Port Angeles that people could hire out for parties. Some strings had been pulled, and apparently there was going to alcohol available.

Rosalie's birthday had been on the eleventh, and Edward had officially turned eighteen a couple of hours ago. They were the last of us all to become eighteen. We'd given our presents to Edward before we left. I'd gotten him a special edition baseball shirt I knew he had been after. I didn't know what everyone else had brought for him. I could only assume that they had given it to him in private.

I had also given Rosalie her present before we left as well, as it hadn't arrived until that morning. I'd ordered her a set of personalised overalls for when she went off to university to do her mechanics degree. She loved them. Emmett thought they matched with his _Property of Emmett McCarty _badge he'd gotten her for university. He said she was to wear it at all times so that all the guys in her course would know she wasn't available. I didn't see what the others got her, as they'd given it to her on the day.

So we'd all piled into the limousine and had a glass of champagne that Alice downed after the toasts were made. I could tell she was in the party mood for once, since the three girls had apparently had 'fun' getting dressed up. Once again, I was glad I was a guy; you only needed to own one suit.

"Take your time, okay? I'm not going to carry you home later,"I told her jokingly. I could see she was already looking for another glass of something sparkly. She smiled sweetly at me and nodded towards my own glass.

"You gonna drink that?" I raised my eyebrow at her and downed the rest of my glass in one. She stuck her tongue out at me.

The journey to Port Angeles was long enough that the limousine could drop us outside the club straight away. We all climbed out and made our way inside. I was surprised at how many people were already in there, a lot of them I didn't recognise.

Rosalie and Edward disappeared immediately, going to welcome their guests, Bella and Emmett went with them. That left me and Alice, Alice dragged me to the bar straight away, they'd made the brilliant, albeit slightly stupid mistake of making it an open bar.

Once we'd got ourselves a drink, we went and found a small booth near the dance floor.

"Do you recognise all these people?"I asked her – or more like shouted at her, as the music was blaring.

She shrugged. "Some of them are family, there's a load from school, too. Quite a few are from out of school though."

I looked around, I could see Emmett and Rosalie talking to someone – I assumed it was his uncle.

The booth remained empty, and Alice and I sat pointing out people we recognised until Alice nudged me on the shoulder and tapped her empty glass. I shook my head at her amused and finished my own drink before getting up. I pushed my way through the crowd and went towards the bar. I saw Newton chatting up some girl who looked like she wanted to run away screaming. I wasn't sure who it was that invited that douche.

I ordered our drinks, but it took ages for them to be served as there were only two bartenders and about twenty customers. Finally two drinks were pushed towards me and I forced my way back through the crowds trying not to spill them – they were small enough as it is without me spilling them everywhere. But as I got back to the booth we had been sitting at, I found it empty.

I turned back and glanced over the crowds trying to find Alice. Emmett and Rosalie were dancing; I knew she wasn't with them. I saw Bella talking to Angela while Edward was chatting with Ben, so Alice wasn't with them either.

After taking a sip of my drink, I made my way over to the girls' toilets. I wasn't going to in there myself to check so I looked around and spotted Jessica Stanley. She was standing nearest so I went over and asked her to check if Alice was in there. When she came out shaking her head, I started worrying.

_Where the fuck was she?_

I scanned the crowd again but still I didn't see her giveaway black pointy hair and dark blue dress. My eyes landed on a door near the back, and on a whim, I started making my way towards it, quickly dumping my now empty glass before going outside.

I let out a sigh of relief as I saw her standing against the far wall with her eyes closed, it was only after taking a step towards her that I saw she was crying.

"Alice? What's the matter?" I asked when I finally reached her. She opened her eyes then and stared at me for a long moment.

"You're going to think I'm stupid,"she whined before sniffing softly.

I shook my head slowly. "I very much doubt that."

She wiped her eyes without trying to smudge her makeup. "Some guy came and talked to me… and…"

I clenched my hands into fists, if he even tried it on with her for a minute. I wasn't sure why it made me angry to think that someone might have been flirting with her, it just made me fucking furious.

"He was wearing this shirt that Robbie used to have, it was one I bought him,"she sobbed. I sighed, wrapped my arm around her, and held her against my chest.

"I don't think you're stupid for crying, it hasn't even been a year since he died,"I whispered as I passed her the drink in my hand. She took it, but didn't drink.

"This is ridiculous!" she cried. "I can't go around crying whenever I see something that reminded me of him. I thought things were getting better, but when I saw the shirt it just seemed to get worse again."

I hugged her tighter until she stopped crying again. "You can, and if you have to, you will. No one will judge you for it."

Her arms tightened around me. "You always say the right things to me. I don't deserve someone like you."

She sounded deflated, and I hated to hear her like that. "You're right, you deserve more than the disastrous mess that I am."

She snorted quietly. "Then let us be a disastrous mess together. How does that sound?"

I chuckled softly. "That sounds pretty fucking perfect right about now."

It was silent then as we stood holding each other. _This _felt pretty damn perfect right here.

"So, how do you feel about drowning our sorrows?"she asked in a strangely optimistic voice, considering what she was saying.

I pulled away from her. "I feel like doing just that."

I held my arm out for her, which she linked hers through mine and smiled up at me.

"Come on, let's get the sorrow drowning underway,"she chirped before we went inside.

We made our way back over to the booth where we found Rosalie and Emmett sitting down.

"Where'd you guys go?"Emmett asked, barely even having to raise his voice.

"Alice felt a bit ill," I shouted. "We went to get a bit of fresh air."

I caught Alice's meaningful look and I knew she was grateful that I didn't tell them the complete truth.

"Where are Edward and Bella?"Alice asked as she swilled the drink around her glass.

Rosalie nodded towards the dance floor, and we all turned to see Edward and Bella slow dancing, completely wrapped up in each other. I couldn't help but laugh, only Edward and Bella would do that.

"You guys want a drink?"Alice asked as she stood up again, I eyed her suspiciously, I hadn't even realised she'd finished her other drink. There was drowning your sorrows and getting completely and utterly smashed. I was sure she was aiming for the latter.

I shrugged inwardly and thought of the saying _if you can't beat 'em, join 'em_. Emmett and Rosalie both asked for a drink each, Alice skipped off ahead towards the bar. I followed, of course, feeling the urge to not let her out of my sight.

Newton was alone when we got there, and after a fleeting glance at Alice, he skulked off towards a group of girls. Obviously someone was looking to get lucky tonight. I shook my head, knowing he hadn't a hope in hell, especially as they would be friends of either Rosalie or Edward. I had a momentary thought, wondering whether Rosalie had pre-warned her friends about him, I chuckled to myself at the idea.

Alice ordered herself a double and passed me the same thing. Clearly she wanted me to get smashed along with her, and I knew that without a doubt, I would.

* * *

As the night progressed Alice and I became incredibly intoxicated, but we weren't the only ones. Emmett was worse, and his dancing got more vulgar as the drinks kept coming.

Currently, he and Rosalie were dancing again, or from Emmett's point of view it was a blatant attempt to feel up his girlfriend. I had to chuckle at his shamelessness, he really didn't care who was looking.

"This is a fabulous night," Alice slurred, a goofy smile forming on her face, she looked incredibly funny. I snorted and laughed at her face then managed to spill some drink on my shirt in the process.

"Don't waste it!" she shrieked as she took the glass from my hand and drank the rest. I glared at her, my lips forming into a ridiculous pout. She smiled at me, blinking her eyes angelically.

I rolled my eyes and stumbled off my chair in search of a new drink, but when I got to the bar the person behind the bar, Stefan his name was, stared at me, his eyebrow rising in disbelief.

"Son, I think you've had enough, don't you?" he said, an amused tone in his voice. I groaned and turned away from him, Alice had drunk my last drink of the night. I looked down at my watch, bringing it so close to my eye that everything blurred. I didn't have a clue what time it was.

"Jasper," Emmett roared from right behind me, making me jump out of my skin. "We're going, the limo is here."

I stared at him, wondering how the hell he could talk straight when everything else he did screamed _drunken fool_.

I went to find Alice who was standing, or more precisely, being propped up by Bella who in turn, was leaning on Edward.

"But why do we have to leave?" Alice grumbled, pulling another one of her strange faces. I started laughing uncontrollably to myself.

"It's gone two in the morning, Al," Edward answered. He was the least drunk of us all. Clearly he was the only one who could read the time. "Its coming up to closing time, plus the limo doesn't run past three," he continued, pulling Bella and Alice towards the door.

I don't really know how, but we all managed to get into the back of the limo without anyone falling over.

My head was spinning as the limo pulled up outside Alice's house. I was nearest the door which meant I had to get out first. But as I did, my foot caught on the edge of the door, and I tripped then fell face first onto the pavement.

I heard Emmett's booming laughter as I pulled myself up. "He's alright!" Alice screamed unnecessarily as she stepped over me. There was a chorus of "goodbyes" as the limo pulled away and drove down the road.

"I love you, guys!"

We both turned around to see Rosalie standing half out of the roof window. She had her hands in the air and started waving them at us.

"We love you, too!" Alice shouted back at her before jumping up and down on the spot. Rosalie disappeared moments later. I could only assume she'd been pulled back inside.

A second later, Alice squealed, "piggyback time." As she jumped, or more correctly, climbed up my back and wrapped her _bare _legs around my waist. I grabbed onto her just above the knee and held on tight before she fell.

"Onwards, Mr Jasper," she commanded as she pointed towards her front door. I took a step forward, the whole floor swaying beneath me, and when I reached for the gate, it appeared that I was using more than one hand to pull it open. As soon as I was through, I foolishly tried to close it behind me; that was when we fell backwards.

Alice screamed dramatically, even though she didn't touch the ground. I felt her bury her head in between my shoulder blades as we burst into fits of laughter. I knew later I'd be in pain, but right now, all I could do was laugh.

As our laughter died, the front door opened, the bright light from inside shone down on us. I had to look away as it was rather dazzling.

"We're saved!" Alice exclaimed, throwing her hands up in the air. "Hallelujah!"

I started to laugh again as Jackie made a tutting noise and crossed her arms in front of her.

"Get in here, now. Both of you," she instructed, not sounding happy at all. I unwrapped myself from Alice's legs and stood up, somewhat unsteadily, then turned back to Alice. She was still on the floor, and her dress was hitched up around her waist from when she had jumped on me. If I was sober, I would have thought that nothing was left to be imagination.

But I wasn't, and instead, I rather unabashedly allowed my eyes to scan the entire length of her body. When my eyes met hers once again, she was watching me, a strange, lazy smile on her face.

"Help me up," she said, sticking her hand out in front of her. Taking her hand in mine I pulled her up, but as she did so, she stumbled and fell forward into me. A giggle escaped her lips as she righted her and looked up at me.

A second later, she reached up on her toes, curled her hands in the lapels on my blazer and kissed me. It lasted maybe two seconds at the most, and when she pulled away I leant into her without thinking.

"Thank you," she said after she'd fully pulled away. The way it came out was as if she were thanking me for passing her something. She rocked back onto her heels, let go of my blazer then walked by me into the house.

I stood staring at a spot ahead of me, licking my lips into my mouth. _She'd kissed me._ My mind was clouded, nothing was coherent. All I could think was: _she'd kissed me_.

When I finally turned around, she had already disappeared inside, and all I could see was Jackie standing in the doorway watching me.

I didn't say anything to her as I, too, stepped inside the house. I wanted to find Alice, but at the same moment, Jackie started talking.

"Alice upstairs already," she told me, her voice sounding distant, thoughtful. I nodded, looking up the stairs as she finished. "You can stay here tonight; I'm not letting you walk home alone like this."

"Thank you," I managed to get out as I stepped towards the stairs. But she stopped me. "Make sure you tell your mom where you are, I don't want her worrying."

I nodded yet again and slowly made my way upstairs. I pulled my phone from my pocket and typed a message to Mom, surprising myself that I managed to press all the correct keys.

When we got to Alice's room, I found her sneaking around on our tiptoes, as if she didn't want to wake everyone up. She was going _way _over the top and ended up making more noise than before.

I didn't stop her though, and merely watched her. She'd kissed me, and it looked like she thought nothing of it. I sighed, kicking off my shoes and allowed my blazer to slide from my body and fall into a heap at my feet.

With one last look at Alice, I walked towards her bed and collapsed on top of it.

* * *

Even before I opened my eyes I could feel the headache latching its way into my brain, but whoever it was that was playing with my hair, was helping. It felt kind of soothing.

I opened my eyes slowly and jumped out of my skin as I was greeted by a foot lying on the pillow only a few centimetres away from my face.

"What the?" I grumbled as I allowed my eyes to travel down the leg that was joined to the leg in my face. It was then that I realised Alice's other leg was sprawled out across my back, and her toes were currently in my hair. _Aw crap._

I shifted slightly, reaching with my hand, clasping it around Alice's leg and pulling it off me, I laid it down next to her other leg. But the movement woke her up and she jostled, turned over and fell off the bed with a loud bang.

"Shit," I muttered as I leaned over the edge of the bed to look at her. "Are you alright?"

She groaned and reached for her head. "I think I even had a headache in my dream."

"My headache has a headache," I muttered in response. I chuckled, but the jostling made my own headache worse. "No laughing," I mumbled as I pulled myself out of the bed in search of some aspirin or some magic hangover cure downstairs.

I made my way downstairs and walked towards the kitchen, only realising too late that there were far too many voices in there.

"Oh, here he is," Emmett said; his voice was far too loud. "Plus he's doing the walk of shame no less."

I glared at him from the doorway. "What are you doing here?" I asked, looking between him and Rosalie. "And why does he not have a hangover?" I said as I came to sit next to Rosalie.

"Beats me," she replied, rubbing her own forehead at the same time. "We actually came over here to give Alice a copy of the pictures. It also happens to be quieter here than at his."

I nodded, remembering what it was like at Emmett's. There were far too many siblings in one house.

"Here you go," Jackie said as she handed me some aspirin and a glass of water. "I think I'm going to call this place hangover central."

It was peaceful for a moment as I swallowed the pills. That was until Emmett started talking again.

"So," he began, I didn't like the mischievous tone in his voice. "Did you have a good sleep? I hope it wasn't too uncomfortable. You know you could have topped and tailed..."

Jackie let out a quick laugh as she cooked breakfast. I looked away from her to glance at Emmett. My eyes narrowed as I watched him take a camera out from his pocket. He began scrolling through the pictures until he stopped on one and started grinning.

"Emmett," I warned. "What have you done?"

He grinned at me, sliding the camera towards me. "Take a look for yourself."

I reached for the camera, cautiously turning it over and looking at what was on the screen.

"You bastard," I exclaimed as I saw the picture of Alice and me in her bed this morning. It looked even worse from an outside point of view. Alice was half sprawled on top of me with her leg hitched across my back and into my hair. Her arm was hanging off the edge of the bed in a drunken manner. It looked as if she'd collapsed onto the bed.

"If I wasn't feeling so rough I would kill you right now," I continued, shaking my head in amusement.

"I'm sorry but we had to get photographic evidence of you two to show Edward and Bella," he told me in a very matter of fact voice.

"You're going to show Edward and Bella what?" Alice asked as she stepped into the room. She had changed clothes, but she hadn't done her hair, which was in quite messy disarray.

"The photo of you and Jasper this morning," Emmett explained. He smirked deviously as he held out his hand for the camera. I grudgingly gave in and place the camera in his hand. The smirk grew wider as he handed the camera to a cautious Alice.

As she glanced at the camera her eyes widened then glanced at me briefly before looking back at the camera.

"Oh my God," she whispered. "I can't believe I slept like that, hell, I don't even remember getting into bed."

Jackie turned around then and looked at Alice. "Do you remember anything from last night?"

Alice frowned. "I remember being at the party, and then in then in the limo. Did someone fall over?"

Emmett snorted. "Jasper fell out the limo."

My gaze snapped in his direction, wondering if he was making it up. But the look on his face told me he wasn't lying, plus, that paired with the fact my knees _were_ aching.

"What are you, Jasper? Do you remember anything?" Jackie continued, breaking the conversation about me falling over. There was something in her voice, it was more than curiosity, but I overlooked it as I tried to remember back to what had happened as we left.

Finally I shook my head. "I don't remember anything after we got into the limo to go home. Why, what did I do?"

A grimace spread across my face as I pictured many different embarrassing and vulgar things I could have done.

"Oh, nothing, I was just wondering," she said simply. I noticed her gaze flicker to Alice before she went back to cooking breakfast.

"You two should look at the pictures from last night," Emmett said, breaking the silence. "There are some really funny ones."

"Let's have a look at them, Alice, I haven't seen any yet," I told her; even though I wasn't sure I _wanted _to see them. She came over and stood next to me, and then began flicking through the photos.

At first there were a lot of pictures taken whilst we were all at Rosalie's house. The ones that followed were from the limo. I think those were the last photos where we didn't have a drink in our hands.

Emmett was right in that there were some funny ones of me and Alice. I think we were even arguing over a drink in one of them. But the funniest one was probably of him and Ben doing a massacred version of the YMCA dance.

But it was when a picture of Alice and me flashed up on the screen that we both stopped and just stared. It was a close up picture; obviously we had taken the photo ourselves. My arm was slung over her shoulder, with a drink in both of our hands, but that wasn't what made us stare. We both looked _happy_.

Alice turned to me, a soft smile on her lips. "I really like this picture," she murmured. I couldn't help but smile.

"Me too," I replied, staring at her for longer than what was necessary.

When we looked away, Rosalie and Emmett were staring at us, a faint smile ghosted across Rosalie's face as she turned to look at Emmett.

"What?" I asked, my brow furrowing in confusion.

"Nothing," Rosalie replied, shaking her head quickly. The same smile was still on her face even when I looked back at the camera.

Jackie turned around then, placing a massive plate of steaming bacon and eggs in the middle of the table.

"Tuck in," she said as she turned back to the cupboard to pull out some plates, as soon as she placed them on the table Emmett reached for one and put an egg and three slices of bacon on his plate.

"Emmett," Rosalie said, shaking her head at him before taking a slice of bacon for herself.

"What?" he said as he took a bite of bacon. "She said tuck in!"

Jackie chuckled and told him that it was okay. "Don't you want any Jasper?" she asked as she poured herself some coffee.

"No, I don't feel like eating right now," I told her, pulling a face at the plate of food. "I think I will be going soon, I really want a shower. I feel kind of dirty for sleeping in the clothes I wore yesterday."

"You would feel dirty for sleeping in the same bed as Alice," Emmett joked then pretended to cower when Alice shook her fist at him.

"I don't know how you guys put up with him," Jackie muttered as she watched us from the counter. "Especially you, Rose."

"Oh, he has his good moments," she replied as she leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. The smile that formed on his face made him look like the cat that got the cream.

I looked away, suddenly feeling the impulse to go home. "I think I'm gonna head home," I told them as I stood up. "Thanks for letting me stop over."

"No problem," Jackie and Alice replied simultaneously. I smiled at them both before leaving the room and going upstairs to gather my things. I couldn't help but chuckle to myself when I found one of my shoes under the bed while the other being lodged behind the trash can.

When I went back downstairs, I said my goodbyes. Alice walked with me to the door, and as she hugged me goodbye, I got the distinct impression that she didn't want me to go.

"Thank you," she murmured as she pulled away. I had a sudden sense that we'd already been in this situation not long ago. "I can at least remember that I was the one who suggested getting as drunk as we did. I had fun though, so I'm glad you're there."

"Me too," I replied, smiling. Then for a reason unknown to me, I leant forward and kissed her gently on the cheek. When I pulled away, she was staring up at me, looking slightly shocked. But when the corners of her mouth turned upwards I exhaled slowly.

"Goodbye, Alice."

With that, I turned around and left. As I made my way down the path, I looked back over my shoulder and smiled when I saw her still standing there watching me walk away.

"And where have you been?" Mom asked as soon as I stepped through the front door. She had her arms crossed in front of her as she spoke.

"I was at Alice's," I told her, frowning as she continued to stare at me. _I did send her that message, didn't I?_

I decided to risk it. "I sent you a message, what more do you want?" I said then winced at the effect it had on my hangover.

"Yeah, it came out something like 'I'm at Alice, don't wait me'," she said, the corners of her mouth quivering as she spoke. I could tell she wanted to smile. "And you spelt Alice, don't and wait incorrectly."

"Sorry," I replied, my expression sheepish.

"Yeah," she said, shaking her head at me in amusement. "Good job Jackie sent me a message as well."

After a moment, she changed the subject. "So, did you have fun?"

"Yeah, it was really good," I told her, a genuine smile forming on my face. "I really enjoyed myself."

* * *

**A/N****: So, do you think Alice's mother saw?**

**I know quite a few of you have been saying 'when will they kiss?' or 'I hope they are together soon', and I always replied saying that it wasn't going to happen soon. But after a talk with vegetarianvamps, I decided to change it around.**

**Yes, they DID kiss, but no, this does not mean they will be together from here onwards, nor does it mean they will be admitting their feelings for each other. The reason for this being they don't **_**have**_** feelings for each other, nothing more than platonic. There are small changes you'll notice, but in their minds, they're not falling for each other…yet.**

**The kiss happened because they were drunk; Alice would not have done it if she wasn't. Drunk kisses happen, remember that. Besides, it was a quick kiss, sometimes even friends could share, and it's not as if they got all hot and heavy on the doorstep, and I'm here saying it meant nothing, when clearly that would have been a load of bull.**

**However, just because they don't remember the kiss, it doesn't mean it'll be forgotten. I'm only saying all this because I don't want you to be reviewing in a couple of chapters complaining that nothing has happened concerning the kiss.**

**Sorry for leaving a big author note, I just want you guys to understand, that's all :)**

**These two past chapters were happy, right? Don't expect it to last. The next ten (or more) chapters are full of angst. *smiles* I'm an angsty bitch, and I love it.**

**Please review! Teasers will be given if you do. My aim: 475 reviews.**


	39. Chapter 38

**A/N****: Chapter 38!**

**I'll admit that the next few chapters used to be so very different. The storyline I picked was, how do I put this? Evil. Don't worry, I decided not to go that route. It would have been too hard to fit it all in. So this is what I came up with instead. Enjoy.**

**Thank you for everyone who reviewed, it means a lot to hear your thoughts.**

**Disclaimer****: Me: **Jasper's my boyfriend.** Alice: **Like hell he is!** Me: **Shut up, what do you know, anyway? **Alice: **A lot, actually. For instance, I predict Stephenie Meyer will arrive and tell you she owns Twilight. **Me: **As if Stephenie Meyer will be her- **Stephenie Meyer:** I own Twilight. **Alice: ***smug* **Me: **Damn you all!

* * *

**Chapter 38 - What Happened?**

**13****th**** July 2009**

**Alice POV**

Emmett slammed his hand down on his car horn for the third time as I ran around my room trying to find the shoes I wanted to wear. I found them stashed under my bed and I almost tripped over as I pulled them on whilst I tried to move towards the door.

"Alice, hurry up before Emmett comes in here and drags you out!" Mom yelled up the stairs. She was getting as impatient as Emmett.

"Alright, I'm coming!" I cried, sighing dramatically afterwards. I'd already told her that I was coming at least three times now.

I quickly grabbed my bag from the side, and pretty much flew down the stairs and out the front door. I could hear Mom yelling goodbye at me, and I gave her a wave over my shoulder as I opened the door to Emmett's Jeep. Rosalie had shotgun, while Jasper sat behind her. I smiled at him as I sat down.

"Wow, you're quick," Emmett muttered dryly. "I did say that I'll come pick you up at twelve, right? See, this is why I said I'd pick you up last, and I thought Rosie took ages getting ready."

I rolled my eyes at him, though he didn't see it. "Its only 12.30, Emm, we'll still make the film."

"Yeah, but we'll miss some of the film trailers at the start," he complained. I could almost hear the pout in his voice. "You know I love watching the trailers."

Jasper snickered next to me.

"I swear he loves the trailers more than the film sometimes," I whispered to Jasper before chuckling with him.

"Hey! Stop talking about me!" Emmett cried. "Or else I'll let you out here and Rose and I will go to see the movie alone."

"You'd tell me to get out after you have waited half an hour for me?" A giggle escaped my lips before I sobered. "So where are Edward and Bella? Are they meeting us there or something?"

"They're not coming," Rosalie said as she turned around in the front seat. "We rang Edward earlier and he told us they were busy and so they couldn't come."

"Well, they _will_ come, but not in the way you think," Emmett said, and I knew that, without a doubt, he would be waggling his eyebrows as he spoke. Rosalie shook her head and chuckled at what he had just said.

"What am I not getting here?" I asked, confused, as I looked from Jasper, to Rosalie, to Emmett and back again.

"Emmett seems to think Edward-" Rosalie began.

But Emmett interrupted her with, "I don't _think_, I _know_."

She rolled her eyes. "Okay, Emmett _knows _that Edward and Bella were getting it on when we called."

"No way!" I cried, my mouth hanging open in surprise. Hell, we all knew Edward and Bella were like that together, but they rarely hinted at it, and this was like a confirmation.

"How awkward," Jasper murmured, grimacing. Rosalie and I nodded in agreement with him. I could almost picture Bella blushing if she knew we had been talking about her and Edward.

Emmett drove like a maniac, which meant that we got to Port Angeles quicker than normal. We all piled out of the car and made our way towards the cinema straight away. I think Emmett would have thrown a tantrum if we had taken our time walking there.

We bought our tickets to watch Public Enemies, and then our popcorn before Emmett practically dragged us towards the screening room. He really wanted to watch those trailers, clearly.

* * *

"That was such a good film," Emmett exclaimed as we walked out of the cinema. Jasper readily agreed with him, but Rosalie and I weren't so quick to agree. It was too much of a guy film for our liking.

"Johnny Depp was nice though," Rosalie mused. This time, I was the one to agree whilst Emmett rolled his eyes at us.

"You would say that," Emmett muttered. "What with you and your obsession with Johnny Depp."

Rosalie winked at me and gave me a devious grin. "He's _so _hot and his voice… how I'd love it if he smooth talked me."

Rosalie laughed at the appalled expression on Emmett's face. Even Jasper was smirking at him. Rosalie sighed and started walking next to him as she slipped her hand into his.

I had to look away when she started to be overly sweet with him. I couldn't watch them together. It was still hard at times to see them being the happy couple, even after all these months.

"So, are you like Rosalie with the whole Johnny Depp thing?" Jasper asked as we walked side by side.

I smiled. "No, I'm more of an Orlando Bloom girl myself."

He groaned. "Oh, God, you two must be a nightmare watching Pirates of the Caribbean together."

"It's happened," I stated simply before smiling at the memory of it. We'd all watched Pirates of the Caribbean around Emmett's one time. Rosalie had been staring with dreamy eyes at Johnny Depp while Bella and I had been swooning over Orlando Bloom. Typically, the three guys were only interested in seeing Keira Knightly.

* * *

It was a nice day out, and so after we'd bought ourselves some lunch, we decided to eat it out on one of the only suitable parks in Port Angeles. It was pretty much deserted too, which was nice.

"So anyway, Edward was getting started on by this English lad over the Xbox chat and it was fucking hilarious what he was coming out with," Emmett exclaimed as he started laughing. "So he added me to the conversation. The guy got some of his mates and it turned into this massive war between us."

I sighed and picked at the remainder of my lunch as I heard more of his Xbox stories. I'd heard enough of them in my lifetime, and I didn't really see the point of relaying the stories to both me and Rosalie. Neither of us particularly cared for video games.

"What happened?" Jasper asked, obviously sensing that no one else was going to reply to Emmett. He didn't seem that bothered, either.

"We whooped their asses on Call of Duty that's what happened," he replied with a massive grin on his face. If Edward had been here, I could just picture the two of them talking about it animatedly.

"Isn't that the game I played when I was round yours?" Jasper continued. I quickly glanced at Rosalie who wore an expression that read _bless him_. Jasper clearly didn't know very much about playing on an Xbox.

"Yeah, but we were playing Modern Warfare two with the English lads. You and I were playing the first Modern Warfare game," he told him.

Jasper frowned. "What's the difference?"

Rosalie and I simultaneously groaned. We knew what was coming.

"What's the _difference?_" Emmett spluttered; his expression was incredulous. "How can you _not_ know what the difference is?"

"I don't know. I just don't see what is so special about playing video games," Jasper replied, shrugging. "So I don't have any desire to play it, or understand it like you and Edward do."

Emmett looked like he was about to have a seizure. "You… don't…"

"Not every guy in the world has to love the Xbox, Emmett," Rosalie muttered as she sighed.

"Exactly," I joined in. "There isn't anything special about that heap of metal and plastic."

Emmett scoffed. "Only _girls_ think like that."

"Hey!" Jasper cried then held his hand over his heart as if Emmett had wounded him with his words.

"Oh, come on," Emmett huffed. "Dude, you don't like playing on an Xbox. There is like _no one_ else in the male population who thinks like that. So I conclude that you must secretly be a girl."

"I find it funny how passionate he is about a bit of metal and plastic," Rosalie said with a slight chuckle.

Emmett smirked and leant towards her. "It's not the only thing I'm passionate about, baby."

Jasper and I looked away when he nuzzled her neck. I could tell it was hard for him to see them being a couple, too.

"Hey, Jas," Rosalie began as Emmett moved away from her. "Do you have a motorbike?"

His brow furrowed in half confusion, half amusement. Her question had been totally out of the blue. "No, but I can ride a bike. Why?"

"Oh, it's just a saw this guy getting on his bike this morning and I could have sworn that it was you," she continued. "I nearly called out to you!"

"Well, that wasn't me," he told her, chuckling. "I don't own a bike, nor do I have access to one anymore."

"I don't think there are many girls around here that like to ride motorbikes, Rosie," Emmett exclaimed with a devious look on his face. Jasper threw his drinks bottle at him, which Emmett easily deflected with his hand. He had a knack for deflecting things being thrown at him.

"You never told me you can ride a motorbike," I said, nudging him in the side. I wasn't sure why it made me feel disappointed, but all I knew was that I still didn't know everything about Jasper. The notion in it self was stupid, I couldn't possibly know _everything _about him. But I still wanted to.

"I guess I never had any reason to bring it up," he told me. "I learnt when I was fifteen."

"Ooh, looks like the girl is a lawbreaker!" Emmett exclaimed. Jasper didn't bother looking at him as he stuck his finger up at Emmett. Emmett started laughing but he stopped when Rosalie told him to shut up.

I looked up then and giggled when I saw the pout forming on his face. "I dislike how you're all ganging up on me."

"Well stop taking the piss," I told him in a mock serious voice.

"As if that would ever happen!" he boomed before he barked out one incredulous laugh.

* * *

"Are you sure you don't want us to wait and give you a lift back, Alice?" Emmett asked, leaning over Rosalie in the front seat. We'd just gotten back to Jasper's house after spending the whole day in Port Angeles.

"No it's alright, Jasper will walk me back," I replied, a slight smile on my face as I looked towards Jasper.

"Oh, will I now?" Jasper muttered, but he was teasing.

"Alright, see you girls later," Emmett replied before his roaring laughter filled the car. Jasper made an unintelligible comment just as Emmett drove off.

"He's never going to let that go, is he?" Jasper grumbled as he opened the front door to his house. I chuckled softly and shook my head, knowing Emmett he'd pull that one out at any chance possible.

It was silent as we walked inside. Jasper went into the kitchen first, and I followed him, nearly walking straight into the back of him. He'd stopped, and I was about to ask why, when I saw sitting in the corner on the kitchen, her legs up to her chest, her arms wrapped around them tightly. She looked terrified out of her wits.

"Emily?" he said, his voice tainted by anxiety. He moved forward and fell down in front of her. "What's happened? Is everything okay?"

My heart was beating quickly in my chest as I waited for her to answer. What had happened? Why was she sitting in here alone?

"Mommy won't wake up," she whispered with fear laced into every word. The breath hitched in my throat, and for a couple of seconds, no one moved. Then suddenly Jasper was up and out of the room.

I didn't follow him because I couldn't follow him. My body was frozen to the spot, as my mind tried to comprehend what Emily meant. But all I could think was that if she wasn't waking up, then that only meant one thing. She had… but I couldn't think the word. It couldn't be true, it wasn't.

But in the back of my mind, all I could think about was that Jasper would never make it through if he lost his mother, too.

I snapped out of it, and quickly went to sit down next to Emily, who hadn't moved since Jasper left the room. I wrapped my arm around her small frame, pulling her closer. I sat, staring across the room, yet not seeing a thing.

A moment later, I heard footsteps, and looked up to see Jasper running down the stairs. He didn't turn into the kitchen. Instead he turned into the other room, and I listened as he called for an ambulance.

I held Emily tighter against my side, feeling the urge to stop her from hearing and seeing this. But she had been here on her own, for God knows how long. She'd already seen it. She'd seen what made Jasper come running down the stairs to call the ambulance. I shuddered, closing my eyes.

All I heard was the faint sounds of each breath escaping Emily's lips. I didn't open my eyes, even when I heard Jasper going back upstairs, I still kept them closed. I tried to concentrate on my own breathing. But all I could think about was Jasper's mom.

What had happened to her? Did she have an illness? Did she collapse? Did Jasper know that she had an illness? Why did not he tell me? I shook my head quickly, knowing that it wasn't the time to question that.

I heard the sirens from the ambulance long before it pulled up outside. I heard Jasper run down the stairs and out to them, and then I heard their voices. Jasper's stood out above the rest, telling them that she was upstairs. His voice was strained, tinged with fear, worry and stress.

I wanted to follow them to see what had happened, but at the same time, I didn't. Feeling Emily crying beside me, I opened my eyes and pulled her into my lap, wrapping my arms around her tightly. She could hear the sirens too, and it was plain to me now that she knew exactly what they were for, what they meant.

It didn't take them long to bring Sylvia downstairs and out into the ambulance. I didn't look, and I made sure that Emily couldn't see, either, though there was nothing I could do to stop her from hearing, she could hear it all.

Sensing that Jasper was in the room, I looked up to see him coming towards us. His eyes were frantic and I was certain that his body was shaking. He was trying to hold it together, but that was impossible when everything around him was falling apart.

"Emily."

His voice was breathless and distorted. He sounded like a child.

As soon as he called her name, she got up and ran to him. She didn't stop until he bent down and picked up her, where she pressed her face into his neck. Jasper blinked rapidly, and I could tell that he was trying to hold the tears back. I wanted to tell him to let them out, but I remained silent, knowing that wasn't who Jasper was. When Emily was involved, he held it together, even if his body screamed at him to let go.

"They're taking her to hospital," was all he said, and from the look on his face, I knew he was desperate to be with his mother. So I quickly stood up and followed him out. As soon as we got outside, I tried not to look at the ambulance that was parked in front of the house.

Shifted Emily onto one arm, he reached into the pocket for the house keys. When I saw what he was trying to do, I took them from him and signalled towards the ambulance.

"I'll lock up, go with your mother, Jasper," I instructed. He didn't argue but still didn't leave.

"I'm sorry you had to be involved with this," he murmured, his voice trembling.

I shook my head quickly. "Don't apologise, just go."

With one last, fleeting glance at me, he carried Emily towards the ambulance and got inside. Moments later, the doors were closed and the ambulance pulled away, driving out of sight quickly. As soon as they were gone, I went towards the door and locked it.

Pulling the keys out of the door, I slowly turned around again and sunk to the ground, holding my head in my hand. What had just happened? Why was Jasper sorry that I had to be involved? Did he know this was going to happen?

I let out a shaky breath before taking my phone from my pocket. I knew I had to get to the hospital and be there for Jasper and his family. As soon as I dialled my mother's number, I put the phone to my ear.

"Hello."

I took a deep breath before replying. "Mom, I need you to come pick me up."

"I thought you were out with your friends? I hope you're not expecting me to come pick you up from Port Angeles," she muttered, using the same voice she always did when I called her to pick me up. But this time it was different.

"I'm at Jasper's. I need you to take me to the hospital," I managed to get out, trying to keep my voice even. "Something happened to his mother."

She gasped, and was silent for a short moment. "Oh my God, Alice, I'll be there in a minute."

I didn't say anything more as I cut the call and sat back against the wall, trying not to imagine the different possibly problems with Sylvia.

As soon as Mom pulled up outside I stood up and went the car. She began driving as soon as I'd shut the door behind me.

"What happened?" she asked after a minute of silence.

I ran my hand over my face. "I don't know. We got back and found Emily in the kitchen. She said that her mom wouldn't wake up. She looked terrified, Mom, I didn't know what to do. I just sat there with my arm around her. I didn't even say anything."

My eyes began to water, and like Jasper had done earlier, I blinked to stop them from falling.

"I don't think there was anything you could say. You did what you could," Mom replied, trying to reassure me. "Do you know what was wrong with Sylvia?"

Shaking my head, I didn't answer her.

"Do you think she has some kind of illness?" Even I could hear the worry in my mother's voice. "It could be anything. Would Jasper have told you?"

I couldn't answer her, not at first because I wasn't sure of the answer. When I finally did, it came out as a gasp. "I thought he would."

"God, I do hope it isn't anything serious," she continued, and after that I tried to block her out.

_Yes, I do hope it isn't serious, _I thought to myself.

"He's been through too much already." But my voice was too quiet for Mom to hear, I knew that.

_When will this ever stop?_

* * *

The woman at the front desk couldn't tell us the exact room where Sylvia was, but she directed us in the right direction, and while Mom stayed behind to give them our details, I went in the direction given.

As I rounded the second corner, I was surprised to see Jasper at the end of the corridor. I frowned in confusion but jogged forward, trying to catch up with him.

"Jasper," I called out as I got closer. As soon as I was in touching distance, I reached for his arm, making him turn around. When he did, I gasped. It wasn't Jasper.

It was silent for a long moment as he just stared at me. Then slowly a sad smile spread across his face. "I'm not Jasper, darlin'."

I had to close my mouth from shock as I looked away. How had I gotten them mixed up? When I snuck a glance up at him, I realised that not only did he look like Jasper from behind, but he also shared some resembling features. Even his accent was familiar.

Blushing furiously, I apologised. He ducked his head and thankfully, he allowed me to pass by. I didn't look back; even though I had a feeling he'd watched me walk away.

As I got around the next corner, all thoughts of the uncanny Jasper lookalike faded from my mind and I realised that I couldn't remember where I had to go next. I looked around, wondering if the nurses around me would know.

However, before I had the chance to ask one of them, Mom came up behind me and signalled towards where we had to go. We both remained silent up until the moment we turned around the corner and she pointed towards where Jasper was sitting with Emily on his lap. He didn't look responsive; in fact he looked like he wasn't there at all.

"Jasper," I called out, and straight away he looked towards us. His eyes flickered to Mom momentarily before they landed on me once again.

"Where is she? Is she okay?" I asked as soon as I was close enough. Emily didn't move, though she was staring right at me.

"She's in there," he finally answered as he looked at the door in front of him. "I don't know if she is okay."

There was a tone in his voice, fear and uncertainty, but there was also something else, something that told me he knew what was going on. I wracked my brain trying to think of something to say to him, but nothing came. Then shortly after, Jasper asked Mom to take Emily to get something to eat. She agreed, as I expected, and finally, Emily moved.

"It's okay," I heard Jasper whisper to her, and the sound of his voice breaking at the end nearly brought me to tears. Emily didn't say anything to him, and merely took Mom's hand and walked away.

When they went out of sight, I turned back to Jasper and saw that his eyes were trained on the door in front of him once again. I reached forward and slipped my hand into his; I wanted him to know that I was here.

He squeezed my hand, but even then I could see that his hands were shaking. I didn't say anything, knowing that he was going to talk when he was ready – if ever. When he finally turned to look at me, I saw that for the first time today, he was crying. I had been right earlier, with what I said about him holding it together when Emily was there. She'd gone, and now he was finally letting it out.

It was silent for a long time, and I could tell from the look in his eyes that he wanted to say something, just not knowing how. His mouth opened and closed a few times, as if he was faltering over what to say.

"Alice, I… I think my mom took an overdose," he finally whispered.

My whole body froze as the words reached my ears. I couldn't comprehend it; I didn't want to.

Yet the word still rang in my ears.

_Overdose_.

* * *

**A/N****: So, who wants to throw bricks at me? **

**Don't say I didn't warn you. I told you there was angst.**

**Reviews = Teasers. Reviews = One happy Paula. My aim: 484 reviews.**

**P.S: I have a new one-shot up on my profile. It is called Felt Like Yesterday. There is Daddysper and Geeksper!**


	40. Chapter 39

**A/N****: Chapter 39!**

**I really quite like this chapter, so I hope you enjoy it.**

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed. I offer you a virtual hug in thanks. *virtual hug***

**Disclaimer****: I offer virtual hugs. What does Stephenie Meyer do? Oh…yeah, she wrote the Twilight Saga.**

* * *

**Chapter 39 - She Shouldn't Have to See This**

**13****th**** July 2009**

**Jasper POV**

_Mom._

My arms tightened around Emily a little bit more as I continued to stare into space. My mind was reeling at a thousand miles an hour, trying to work out and rationalise what was going on around me.

The door that led to the room my mother was in was closed, and Doctor Cullen was still inside. I began rocking in my chair as the worry and fear spread further around my body with each beat of my pulse.

_Mommy won't wake up._

It had been a good day, and those four words brought it all crashing back down around me. I replayed the scene around for the hundredth time in my mind.

_My heart skipped a beat as I heard Emily's words. _Mommy won't wake up_. My mind was a blur as I stood up and left the room, with only one thought and objective in my head._

_Mom._

_I checked the main room first, but it was empty. Nothing._

_Mom._

_I ran upstairs and went straight for the only room with its door shut – her room. My hands were shaking as I pushed the door open, and then as I saw her lying on her bed, eyes closed, my heart stopped beating completely._

"_Mom." This time it was verbal, and it didn't sound like my voice at all. I sounded like a child, scared and alone, like the day, years ago, when she had fallen ill and had gone to bed early. It had been just the two of us in the house, and I had been terrified. All I could think about was losing my mother._

_I'd sat outside her room, listening for any signs of distress. When she'd woken up and found my sitting outside, she called me silly and hugged my worries away. I knew that this wasn't going to be another one of those times as I stumbled forward into the room._

_My eyes landing on the bottle of alcohol sitting on the table, and a part of me wasn't surprised. But when I saw what was lying next to the bottle, my heart leapt into my throat, making me choke on nothing at all._

_The small pack of pills weren't open or scattered over the table, but that didn't mean she hadn't taken them. For that was my first thought. She'd taken them, tried to overdose._

_Left us._

_Gone._

_Dead._

_Mom._

_I turned from the table quickly and fell down beside her, not knowing what to do. Reaching out a shaking hand, I did the only thing I could. I checked for a pulse on her neck._

_When hers beat in time with mine, my whole body sagged as the heavy weight of fear eased off. She was alive, for now._

"_Stay with me," I whispered, and as I stood up and ran from the room to call the ambulance, all I could think was: please, God, please don't take her away from me, too._

_Mom._

"Jasper."

I looked up, breaking away from my memory, and looked at Alice who was coming towards us with her mom just behind her. _What had she told Jackie? _But I didn't ask, I didn't need to know.

"Where is she? Is she okay?" Alice asked, slightly out of breath. Her eyes were wide with worry, and I could tell in that instant that she cared for my mother, too. Alice was so ingrained into my life that she too, cared for the people I loved.

"She's in there," I said slowly, looking towards the door. "I don't know if she is okay."

I swallowed heavily as I turned back to them, my eyes landing on Jackie. "Can you take Emily and get her something to eat?" I asked her, still in a daze like state of mind.

I barely registered her nodding as I leant forward and kissed Emily on the forehead before helping her up off my lap. I reached into my pocket, pulling out any spare money I had from earlier, and then handed it to Emily. She looked at me with large, scared eyes, not saying a word.

"It's okay," I whispered, my voice breaking at the end. Neither of us said anything more as she took Jackie's hand and followed her down the hall. When they went out of sight, I turned back towards the door again.

Alice hand slipped into mine, and I squeezed it, thankful that she was here with me now.

_Mom._

My hands were shaking, even with the way Alice was gripping it, and as I slowly turned to look at her, I realised then that I was crying. I hadn't cried with Emily, that wasn't something I wanted her seeing.

I opened my mouth, but faltered on the words that wanted to come out. The paramedics had been vague on their diagnosis, and hadn't said _that_ word, nor had Doctor Cullen. There was a part of me that didn't want to admit it, but I had to.

"Alice, I… I think my mom took an overdose," I said in barely a whisper, yet even then, the last word cracked as I said it.

Alice froze and her eyes unfocused as my words sunk in. Not wanting to see that look any longer, I looked away, trying not to think about what I had just said. As saying it aloud made it feel real, and I didn't want to believe it.

"How… how do you know?" she finally asked, breaking the silence. "Did the Doctor…?"

I shook my head, but didn't look at her as I answered. "There were pills on the table, and I can't remember how many there should have been in the pack."

I don't know if she was going to say anything more, but a few seconds after I finished, the door opened and Doctor Cullen stepped out. He looked from me to Alice before signalling for me to follow him back inside the room.

_Mom._

It was nearly too much seeing her attached up to the machines with various tubes and needles. It was a scene I knew all too well from when I had spent my days with Maria at the hospital, and I hated that it reminded me of that dark time.

"Take a seat, son," he said, signalling towards the chair next to the bed. My legs were shaking as I sat down. Doctor's only told you to sit down when they had bad news. "For now, we're going to keep a watch on her. I've taken some of her blood, and that'll be taken away and tested as soon as possible."

He was going straight to the point, which I was glad about. I didn't need him telling me that he was sorry I had to go through this, or whatever spiel doctors sometimes came out with.

"There are ways of waking up her, but I think you'll agree that it's best if we wait for her to wake up on her own," he continued.

I nodded, trying to take it all in. "When will the results to the blood test come back in?"

"Hopefully in the next half hour," he said, his voice solemn, and I knew that he was depending on these results because if they found out that she _had_ taken an overdose, they would need to counteract it.

He gave me a sympathetic look before glancing at Mom. "Try not to think about that now. We'll tackle that hurdle when we know for sure what we're dealing with. Let's just hope it's alcohol in her system."

I didn't say anything in response, as I didn't know what to say. It was all well and good hoping that it was just alcohol, and I guess, in some respect, it _was _better if it was just alcohol. But we would still have to deal with the fact that she'd had yet another relapse, and I had failed her, once again by not noticing the signs.

"Where's Emily?"

For a moment, it took me by surprise that he knew Emily's name, and I had to stop myself from asking him how he knew, when I remembered that his daughter, Nessie, was Emily's best friend.

A new wave of fear washed over me as I realised that he might think that my mother was unfit, and not suitable enough to look after a five year old child. What if he called someone to take Emily away? It would completely kill Mom, and I didn't want to think what it would do to me.

But as I looked at him, I saw the kindness in his eyes, and I knew – _hoped – _that he wouldn't do anything like that. When I realised that he was still waiting for my answer from a previous question, I snapped out of my thoughts.

"She's with Jackie… I mean, Mrs Brandon," I corrected, just in case he wasn't familiar with her first name. "I asked her if she could take her for something to eat."

He nodded. "Okay, well if needs be, I can always call my wife and ask her to look after Emily while you and your mother are still here. It'll be no trouble at all."

I smiled weakly at him as he finished. He was one of the few people that I could honestly call a decent, kind hearted person. I could understand why he was a doctor.

"Thank you, really, but you're doing enough as it is," I told him, making my gratitude I felt towards him thick in my voice.

He gave me a quick smile that said he understood, and then turned towards the door. I knew that he wanted to send off for the blood test, but I had to tell him about my previous worries.

"Doctor Cullen." He turned back towards me. "My mom is a good mother, and I know that she has her problems, but this is the first time it has been this serious. Please, don't call the child protection services. It would kill her if Emily got taken away from us. Please…"

My voice wavered as I finished. He looked slightly surprised that I had said that, almost as if he hadn't even contemplated that idea himself, which made me feel better. But I was still apprehensive as he stepped towards me and pulled up a chair so that he was sitting in front of me.

"Jasper, I can understand your fears, and I'm glad that you spoke up about it. Now don't get me wrong, that thought hadn't even crossed my mind, but I can see why you might have thought it had."

I didn't say anything as he continued.

"I'm guessing your mother doesn't tell you much about her AA meetings, does she?" he asked, taking me surprise at the direction he was taking. Nonetheless, I shook my head, wanting to hear what he had to say.

"My wife and I help out a lot at these meetings, and so we see your mother every Monday. She has become especially close with my wife and from the way that your mother talks about you and Emily, its pretty evident how there is nothing she wouldn't do for the two of you."

I was surprised to hear that he helped out at the AA meetings. Mom never did really talk about who was in charge, or who orchestrated the talks. But I guess that was because I never really asked.

"I think Esme finds it easy to talk to your mother, and vice versa," he continued, his expression wistful. "Your mother is where Esme used to be, and Esme is at the stage your mother wants to be at, and so I-"

But I stopped him before he could continue. "Okay, rewind just a little. Esme used to be in the same position?"

When he nodded, my eyebrows rose in shock. I'd seen Esme a number of times in the past nine months or so, and never once would I have suspected that about her. Although in saying that, the same could be said about Mom.

"She was," he said, a slight crease forming between his eyes as he spoke. "About a year after we got married, we had our first child – a boy."

"I'm sorry," I told him, sincerely. I didn't know what else to say. Nessie was their only child, I knew that already.

"Thank you, Jasper. I don't think I'll ever understand what it really feels like for a mother to lose her first born, but it pushed her to places she didn't think she'd go. That was nearly ten years ago now, though," he replied, though I could still see the sadness in his eyes. "But what I'm trying to say is that no matter how bad things get, there is an end to it all, and like Esme, your mother will overcome this and will be stronger in doing so."

I looked back towards Mom has he finished, and hoped that what he was saying was true, and that she _does _overcome her problem.

"Now I best send these blood tests off," he said, standing up. "I hope that what I've said has helped in some way. Just talk to her, Jasper, and ask her how her meetings are going once in a while. I think you'll be surprised just how much it helps the both of you."

Again, I didn't say anything in response. I merely gave him a quick smile that told him I understood. He returned the smile before turning away and making his way towards the door.

"Would you like me to send your friend in here?" he asked as an afterthought. I quickly looked back to Mom before nodding.

I heard him telling Alice that she could go in, and then a second later, I heard the door shut and Alice pull up a chair beside me. It was silent for a while as I stared at Mom, thinking about what Doctor Cullen had just said.

We had to talk about her AA meetings, I knew that, she knew that, yet we never did. When she'd had her last relapse back in February, I'd told her to tell me when things got bad again. But once again, I'd focused on other things and forgotten to give Mom the attention she needed.

"I've failed her again," I whispered, finally admitting it. "I could have stopped this from happening if I had paid more attention to her."

"Jasper," Alice said, trying to get my attention, but when I didn't look at her, she repeated my name. "Look at me, Jasper."

As she spoke, she stood up so that she was standing in front of me. "Look at me," she repeated in a soft voice as he gently turned my head so that I was facing her. She brushed a tear away from my cheek that I hadn't realised was there.

"You haven't failed her," she said, holding my face in her hands. "You couldn't have known this was going to happen."

I stared at her, wishing that what she had said was true. "But I did know," I told her, my voice barely even a whisper now.

Her hands fell from my face and she slowly took her seat again before saying, "What do you mean?"

I stared at her long and hard, knowing that it was about time I explained everything to her. I'd never said anything to her because it wasn't my secret to tell, but now Alice had been involved, and she deserved to know what was going on.

"Alice, do you remember that day, back in September when I told you that I was looking after my sister?" I asked, wondering whether she would remember something from such a long time ago. "It was when you found out she was in school and that I had lied."

Recognition flashed across her face, and I knew that she remembered. At first, I didn't want to continue, but I took a deep breath nonetheless, and started retelling what had happened.

"That evening, Mom came home late. She had been out drinking. Some guy brought her home," I told her, my voice was grave. "She was drunk."

I could tell from the look on her fact that she didn't really see where I was going with this, and I couldn't blame her, really. Everyone got drunk; there wasn't anything abnormal about my last statement at all.

"Alice, my mom is an alcoholic." I watched her face for a reaction. It went completely silent as she assessed what I had just said. I saw the way her eyes flickered to Mom before coming to land back on me.

"I didn't know," she whispered, and I nearly laughed at the apologetic sound in her voice. It was as if she felt bad about not realising the truth.

"You wouldn't have known, even if you had seen her back then," I told her. It was true; whenever she was sober, she'd be like any other mother. "She's been going to AA meetings every Monday. It was the morning after that night in September that she realised she needed to get help."

"What happened?" she asked, her eyes never leaving mine. I took a deep breath and diverted my gaze from hers. I turned to look at Mom, checking to see if she was still unconscious.

"She attacked me," I murmured, my eyes remaining on Mom. I heard Alice's intake of breath as I finished. "She didn't know what she was doing. She kept telling me to find my father. She doesn't even know she was doing it, and honestly, I don't think she remembers what she said that night."

I turned back to Alice then, and saw a look on her face that told me she was wondering about my father. I knew for a fact that I wouldn't have mentioned him before today, and so of course she would be wondering about him. But that was a story for another time, and thankfully she didn't press for information.

"I ended up sitting outside her room for most of the night, just in case she was sick or needed help," I continued, remembering the childhood memory I'd had earlier. It was so similar. "That was why I wasn't in school; I was too tired to function properly. The next morning she saw the bruises on my arm, and she knew she had to get help. She did, but sometimes it gets too much."

This time, I felt the tears as they rolled down my cheeks. "It's happened before, but nothing like this. I managed to get home before she drank anything. But I promised her that I would be there more, Alice, and now look what's happened."

Before I knew what was happening, she was standing up in front of me and her arms were around me, my head against her chest. After the initial reaction to her embrace, I returned it, wrapping my arms around her and holding her tightly as her fingers found their way into my hair. I closed my eyes as she loosely brushed them through my locks, an action that reminded me so much of what Mom used to do to calm me down when I was upset.

"I wish you'd told me," she murmured against the top of my head. "You shouldn't have had to go through that on your own."

Not knowing how to tell her that I couldn't possibly tell her before today, I decided to remain silent. We stayed that way for a long while, before slowly she pulled away and looked at me, trying to work something out.

But before she could say anything more, there was a knock at the door, and Doctor Cullen stepped in. I spotted the envelope clutched in his hand, and immediately my whole body tensed, knowing that the results where in the envelope. I scanned his face quickly, trying to work out from his expression what the verdict was. But his expression was neutral – the perfect poker face, just like every doctor I've come into contact had.

"What did the blood test say?" I asked. The intonation of nervousness was clear in my voice.

He looked at Alice briefly before looking back at me. I could tell he was wondering whether to tell me the results in front of her.

"It's okay," I said, taking Alice's hand in mine and curling our fingers together as I spoke. I needed her more than ever if the results were bad. "You can say whatever you have to in front of Alice, she knows about this situation."

He nodded and opened the envelope in his hands, reading over the contents. "I think you'll be relieved to know that there were no traces of drugs in her blood stream. I wish I could say the same about the alcohol, but for now, this is the best outcome we could hope for."

The breath I let out was quick, and I found myself closing my eyes and hanging my head in relief. She hadn't taken anything – except the alcohol. She hadn't tried to leave us. Alice's hand squeezed mine slightly, and I knew that she was comforting me in her small way.

"Thank you," I said breathlessly, looking back up at him. "Do we just have to wait for her to wake up?"

He nodded, looking at Mom. "It shouldn't be much longer now. I'll come back in a little while to check on her. Hopefully she'll be awake when I do."

I smiled, feeling better than I had only moments ago. After thanking him again, he left the room, closing the door behind me. It was completely silent for a long while as I stared at Mom.

"Do you want me to give you some time on your own?" she asked, and as soon as she said it, I knew that was what I wanted. I nodded without saying a word and tried to give her a smile of gratitude.

"Okay, I'm going to try and find my mom and Emily. I'll come back up with them later," she said, and once again, I nodded. I watched her until she stepped out the room, surprisingly leaving the door open.

I could have gotten up to close the door, but instead I turned back to Mom, taking her hand in mine.

"Come back to me, Mom," I whispered, holding her hand just a little bit tighter than before.

Alice hadn't been gone longer than ten minutes when I felt Mom squeeze my hand. I sat up a little straighter, calling out to her to do it again. When she did, I knew that she was waking up.

When finally she opened her eyes, I didn't know what to do, and so I sat there in silence, waiting for her to fully wake up. For some reason, I felt tense as she turned and looked me in the eye.

For the briefest moments, she looked at me as if she hated me, and when I felt her hand slip from mine, I suddenly felt extremely worried, fearing that something had happened to make her feel like this towards me.

But a second later, she croaked, "Jasper?"

I frowned; who else was it going to be? "Mom," I murmured. My voice was only slightly clearer than hers. At the sound of my voice, her body seemed to relax slightly; mine didn't.

"Do you know where you are?" I asked, and then watched as her eyes scanned the room before landing on me once again. She nodded as a tear slid from the corner of her eye.

"Why, Mom, why did you do that?" I whispered, trying to keep myself under control. When she didn't answer, I continued. "There were pills on the table when I found you. Were you… were you going to take them?"

My voice shook with trepidation, and I felt my hands shaking once again as I waited for her to answer. But when she looked at me with wide, surprised eyes, I felt the anxiety seeping away slowly but surely.

"No, I would never do anything like that," she said, and I believed her. But why were they there? Before I could ask her, she answered my silent question. "I had a headache, and I _was _going to take some. But I… decided on something different."

She said the last few words through her teeth, making the words sound far worse than they actually were. We sat in silence for a moment as I tried to formulate my next sentence correctly. Either way, there was no easy way to say what I had in mind. I just had to say it.

"Emily was in the house, Mom. You drank while she was under your care and supervision," I said, staring at her as she started crying. "She shouldn't have had to see this, but she did, she saw it all. What was so bad that you had to put her through this, too?"

As I verbalised my last question, she cried harder, and I tried to keep my voice even as I saw the tears falling from her eyes rapidly. I hated that I was making her cry, but I had to get the message across, she had to understand.

"I can't tell you, Jasper, I'm sorry, but I just can't," she finally whispered, sobbing slightly as she spoke.

My brow pulled together, and I felt a tinge of anger bubbling in my veins. She couldn't tell me? What did she mean _she can't_?

"What do you mean you can't tell me?" I asked, trying to keep the anger out of my voice, but failing at the end. "I thought we said we'd talk about this together?"

"I know," she murmured, wiping at her eyes as she sat up higher. "But please, for now, its best that you don't know. When the time comes, I will tell you."

As her words left her life, the anger died, and with it the cold, terrified feeling fell into its place. My heart began beating irregular patterns as I thought about what she had just said. Maria hadn't told me she had cancer, not at first. She'd only said something when the time came for me to know. I felt tears forming in my eyes, and I had no power over trying to hold them in.

"Do you have a… illness?" I asked quietly, feeling sick to the stomach as I tried to breathe in and out properly, but my breath came in quick gasps.

"No, Jas, it's nothing like that," she answered immediately, trying to quell my worst fear. Her words took a moment to sink in, and when they did, I let out a long sigh of relief. Though it was good news, my tears started falling quicker, and I choked on them, hanging my head against my chest as my whole body shook.

I felt and heard her move forward, and then her arms were wrapping around me, pulling me closer until I was resting my head against her lap. I closed my eyes tightly, whilst gripping one of her hands in mine, as her other brushed through my hair soothingly.

"Oh, my baby, I haven't got an illness, I promise you," she said, and I could hear the truth in her voice.

"You'll tell me though, won't you, if that ever happens?" I said, my words being marred by the sobs that wracked through my body. "Because I can't lose you like that, Mom, I can't."

"I will, Jas, but I promise you it isn't that," she murmured, and the sincerity in her voice told me that she was telling the truth. "It's nothing for you to worry about now."

I didn't say anything to her in response, as I did not believe what she said. How could it not be anything to worry about? If it led her into another relapse, then it sure as hell was going to be something to worry about. But I didn't say anything more on the topic.

"I love you, Mom," I whispered, knowing that I never said that to her anymore and it was about time that I did.

"I love you, too, Jas," she whispered back, and though I could tell she was still crying, I knew that she was smiling through the tears.

I was caught up in the moment, and as I remained resting against her lap, I never looked up and saw the person watching us from the doorway, standing out of view from Mom. Nor did I see the expression on their face as they shook their head and turned away, disappearing into the corridor and out of sight.

* * *

**A/N****: Oh, the suspense. Don't you just love cliffhangers? Maybe this chapter made you cry, maybe it didn't. My consolation is that it made me cry when I imagined the scene in my mind. Who wants to hug Jasper right now? I know I do.**

**Please review! I'll give you a teaser to the chapter 40. People like getting these teasers, right? Whoever makes review #500 can request a special teaser from any chapter they like. Plus, as a further incentive, if I reach my 505****h**** review before next week, I'll post chapter 40 straight away. So it's down to you how quickly you want the next chapter.**

**Apart from virtual hugs, teasers are the only thing I can offer you as gratitude for reviewing.**


	41. Chapter 40

**A/N****: Chapter 40!**

**Like promised, here is the next chapter. Thank you to everyone who reviewed and got me over five hundred and five reviews. I honestly never expected to get there; it was a surprise – a very nice one. One thousand here I come. *laughs* Yeah, maybe not.**

**I haven't replied to your reviews yet. I've been too busy to do so. But I will reply tomorrow.**

**Disclaimer****: If I was Stephenie Meyer, I would have met Jackson Rathbone. Trust me, if that had happened, you'd all know about it.**

* * *

**Chapter 40 - Uncomfortable**

**14****th**** July 2009**

**Jasper POV**

The moment I opened my eyes the next morning, everything felt as it normally did and I very nearly strained my ears to hear Mom pottering about in the kitchen. But then the incident yesterday came back to me, and I closed my eyes, wishing that it had just been a bad dream.

When we'd finally got back home, Emily had tried to sleep in her own room, but soon after she asked if she could stay with me instead. I'd fallen asleep with her next to me, and now, as I looked at her, I saw that she was curled up against my side. One of her hands was clutching at my t-shirt as if it was a comfort blanket. Seeing her holding onto me like that filled me with warmth so rich, that it nearly erased all the stress and worry in my life… nearly.

Yesterday, after spending more time with Mom, Doctor Cullen had come back in and talked to us both briefly before asking me to step out. I told them that I was going to find the others, and after asking at the desk, I was directed towards a small cafeteria only a couple of minutes away from where Mom's room was.

As soon as they'd seen me, Emily had hopped from her seat next to Jackie and came running towards me. When she was close enough I'd bent down and picked her up. I'd wrapped my arms around her small body and held her against my chest, asking if she was okay.

When I'd sat down at the table, both Alice and Jackie inquired after Mom, and I told them that she had woken up, and was talking to Doctor Cullen. We sat in silence for a while longer as I stared off across the cafeteria, not paying much attention to anything in particular.

A little while later, a nurse had come to find us to say that Mom was asking to see me and Emily. Jackie and Alice came with us, and sat outside while Emily and I went into the room.

As I waited for Emily to wake up, I thought about what had happened once we'd gone inside.

_Emily was beside me, her hand clasped tightly in mine. Mom sat up and looked at us both without saying a word. I thought Emily would have let go of my hand to go to Mom, but when she stayed by my side; I realised she was cautious._

_After briefly glancing at me, Mom signalled for Emily to get closer to her. Gradually Emily let go of my hand and went towards her. When she was close enough, Mom helped her up onto the bed so that she could sit next to her. It was then that I noticed Emily was crying. I had to hold back my own tears at the sight, knowing that I had to be the strong one in the room. However, once Mom started talking, I found it very hard to keep under control._

"_I'm sorry I let you down, my baby girl," she whispered, her arm wrapped around Emily. "I'm sorry you had to see what you did. If I could go back and change things, I would. I'd do it differently, and I wouldn't be so stupid. I love you, Emily."_

_I lowered my head as she finished speaking. My eyes were watering, and I used the heel of my hand to rub the tears away._

"_Jasper."_

_Slowly looking up, I saw that Mom was staring at me, her own eyes filled with tears. "I love you both, more than anything in the world. You're my priorities; you're the ones I have to look after. So for that reason I'm going to get better, not matter how hard it is. I know I've said that before, but I'll try even harder this time, I promise."_

_I nodded, not knowing what else to say or do. I could remember what Doctor Cullen had said to me earlier regarding talking to Mom about her meetings. But I didn't want to do that here, plus, I wanted it to be just the two of us._

_A little while later, Doctor Cullen came back to check on Mom; he said that everything was fine, but halfway through, Mom started to yawn. The look in her eyes told me that she was getting tired, and the dark circles under them were further evidence to that. It made me wonder whether she'd been getting enough sleep recently, and I wanted to ask her, but at the same moment, Doctor Cullen suggested that we left her to get some sleep._

_I was reluctant to leave her, but what else was I going to do? When Emily and I left the room, we found that Alice and Jackie were still waiting for us._

"_Come on, I'll take you two home," Jackie offered after we told them that Mom was going to stay here to get some rest. I accepted her offer, even though I believed she had done enough already by looking after Emily and waiting for us, when she could have gone home. However, I knew she wouldn't take no for an answer._

Emily stirring next to me brought me back to the present. She rubbed at her eyes and looked around; I could tell she wasn't expecting to wake up in my room this morning.

"Good morning, sweetie," I murmured as I brushed some hair away from her eyes. She gave me a quick smile before sitting up and wrapping her arms around her legs.

"Is Mommy home now?"

My eyebrows pulled together at the hopeful expression on her face. "No, sweetie, but I think she will be home to tuck you into bed tonight."

She nodded; seemingly placated to know Mom would be home tonight. In truth, I wasn't sure if Mom would be home tonight. I could only guess that she would – guess and _hope_.

As she spoke again, her voice was quieter than before. "Is she sick like Maria was?"

Her words hit me like a ton of bricks and it seemed I choked on nothing at all. Feeling a roll of nausea in the pit of my stomach, I swallowed heavily, trying to get rid of the feeling. But with a sick flash of memory, where I saw Mom laying in the hospital yesterday, it was now Maria, and the lost, confused feeling was back.

Emily may have been only two when Maria was diagnosed and five when she died, but she still knew what had happened. Seeing Mom like that must have brought back the memory – just as it had with me.

I shook my head; it was like a jerking movement, not fluid as it should have been.

"No, it's not the same thing," I finally replied. My voice sounded distant, strained, and I wished there was some way to stop this from affecting me so much.

As she stared at me, I knew she was waiting for something more. Taking in a deep breath, I tried to construct the lie I knew I had to tell her.

"Mommy… she ate something that made her feel ill," I began, trying to make sure she could understand. "She fell asleep, and when you tried to wake her up, she was so tired that she didn't open her eyes. You don't need to worry about her, okay?"

_I'll do the worrying for you, _I thought to myself.

For a moment, she seemed deep in thought, and then slowly she nodded and murmured, "Okay."

Exhaling, I watched her clamber over me to get off the bed. Once she was free, she headed straight for the door. As soon as she was out of sight, I closed my eyes, wishing she didn't have thoughts like that. No, correction: I wished she didn't have to see any of this in the first place.

Leaning back against the wall, I rubbed my hands over my face, wondering what the next step was going to be. I knew I had to talk to Mom – alone – and I had to remember to ask how her meetings were going once in a while. But before that, we had to get her home and over this current hurdle.

Moments later, I heard Emily calling me from downstairs. Pulling myself out of bed, I slowly made my way downstairs and into the kitchen. I couldn't help but smile when I saw her sitting at the table with a bowl of cereal in front of her, but after further inspection, I noticed she didn't have any milk.

Knowing exactly why she'd called me down, I went to the fridge and got the milk out. The shelf it was on was too high for her, clearly. When I passed it to her, she gave me a quick smile then busied herself with opening the cap.

I stood back, watching her, realising how quickly she was growing up. It was a strange feeling, one I was sure most parents felt when they realised their child was becoming more independent. Emily still relied on Mom and me, she was only six, after all, but what would happened when she got older? She wouldn't need her big brother like she did now.

At the thought, I shook my head, going to sit next to her. Now was not the time to worry about that. It was years before I had to even think about it, and as Emily held out her spoon, offering me some cereal, I smiled, wiping the thought from my mind.

* * *

A little after breakfast, Esme had called to say that she would look after Emily for me while I went to the hospital. Apparently Doctor Cullen had told her that Mom was probably going to come home today, which felt like a huge relief. However, the fact that she'd offered to look after Emily meant that she knew I had to talk to Mom, and that told me she was giving us the time we needed.

As we waited for Esme to answer, I began wondering whether she knew that her husband had told her about what he'd said to me about their past. It wasn't as if I was going to bring it up – that would just be stupid – but I still would have liked to know that _she _knew.

Yet when she answered the door, she gave me the same smile she usually did and let me in. As she said hello to Emily, I soon forgot about it.

"Nessie's just through there," she told Emily as she pointed towards the main room. At first I thought Emily was going to walk away without saying goodbye to me first, but then she turned back and gave me an extra tight hug.

After watching her walk into the other room to find Nessie, I turned to Esme, ready to tell her when I would pick her up later. But to my surprise, Esme beckoned me forward and took me into the kitchen. It was the furthest I'd ever been into their house before, and as expected, their kitchen was as magnificent as the rest of the house.

"I was wondering if we could have a chat before you go see your mother," she said to me as she pointed towards a chair to sit down in. I nodded, though I wasn't sure which direction our conversation was going to go in.

"Would you like something to drink?" she went to ask, but when I declined her offer, she sat down opposite me.

"I understand Carlisle talked to you yesterday when you were with your mother?" she continued. I was thinking of a way to answer her, when she continued to speak, I could only assume she hadn't really needed me to answer her.

"In a way, I'm glad you know my situation. I'm sure it will help you to grasp the friendship I have made with your mother. But anyway, I didn't ask to talk to you so I could talk about myself, I just feel that you need a...nudge in the right direction, so to speak."

My brow pulled together as she finished, if I didn't know what she was hinting at earlier, I sure as hell didn't know now.

"From what I've been told, it's hard for the two of you to talk about tough subjects; your mother's addiction being one of those subjects," she said, a grimace flickering over her expression as she said _addiction_. I didn't move, or say a word. What was there to say? Talking about these _tough subjects_ was a tough subject in itself.

"Now I know that talking about that kind of thing is hard, but trust me when I say that it helps a lot. Your mother and I have spent a lot of time talking to each other. She's confided in me about your father, and other current situations. She also told me about your friend."

For the briefest of moments, I thought she was referring to Alice. But as the words sunk in, I realised she wasn't referring to Alice at all. She was talking about Maria. I clammed up straight away, having the urge to tell her to stop, or just take Emily and leave.

However, the voice in the back of my mind was telling me that Esme was trying to help, and running away from things I didn't want to talk about was the exact message she was trying to get across. So I remained where I was, trying to keep my expression neutral and not cautious.

She didn't continue for a few seconds, and looked as if she was trying to understand something. But a second later, she began to talk once again.

"I know that look, Jasper, I've seen it before myself, not to mention that your mother has described it to me. Don't worry I'm not going to make you talk about it with me. I know what it's like when you don't want to talk about your loss, even with those closest to you."

She took a deep breath and looked down for a moment. "When we lost Christopher, I refused to talk to Carlisle about it. I kept it inside, and that's when I started drinking. When I look back to that time, I think that maybe if I'd talked about it, then I wouldn't have gone down the road I did."

I stared at her, completely speechless. The urge to run had disappeared long ago, and now all I could think was that she understood and what she was saying made complete sense. Deciding not to talk about something could alter so many things, and as I thought about it more, I began to wonder what it would have been like had I not told Alice about Maria.

"I hope you don't mind me asking, but why is it you don't like talking about her?" she asked. "I mean, I know why I prefer not to talk about Christopher, but maybe it is different for you."

At first I didn't want to answer her. Hell, I didn't even want to think about the answer. But as I sat there, I realised that if there was anyone who would understand, then it would be Esme.

"It brings back too many memories – the good and the bad," I finally admitted. "The good memories are usually worse than the bad ones because they remind me of times when things weren't like..._this_."

She nodded. "I can understand that," she murmured, and then went silent, as if deep in thought. Before finally continuing with, "Is that why you haven't told many people?"

I rubbed my hand over my face quickly. "Yes and no. Yes because when people know, they feel bad for saying something that related to it, which makes you think about it even more. And no, well, when people know, the treat you differently, like you're fragile and need looking after."

"Surely people around you know that something is wrong, though?" I looked away from her questioning gaze. "Now when I say this, I mean it in general terms and now your own situation, but when people find out the truth, it can verify why someone was acting the way they were."

When she finished, the room went silent, and I thought about what she'd just said. She was right, of course, if people found out the truth, it would help them to understand why I acted the way I did.

"Does that count with Mom's situation though?" I asked, looking up at her once again. I knew that I was subtly changing the subject away from myself and Maria. "Would that help people to understand the way she was acting, or would it make them judge her?"

"I guess that is something we may never know the answer to," she murmured with a sigh escaping her lips.

Once again, it went silent, and as I looked down at my watch, I realised I had to be going soon. I wanted to be there just in case they decided to let Mom go home early. I made a move to get up, but she noticed and stopped me once again.

"Jasper, before you go, there's something else I wanted to tell you," she said. "I don't think your mother has told you this, but sometimes you're allowed to bring a family member or friend along to the meetings."

My eyebrows rose in surprise. "She never mentioned anything like that before. Why wouldn't she tell me?"

Esme pondered my question for a moment. "Maybe she thinks you wouldn't want to go with her."

"What? Of course I'd go with her," I nearly snapped, wondering why the hell Mom would think like that. Did I give her the impression that I wasn't interested? Did she think I wouldn't want to be associated with the meetings?

"You would go?" she questioned, though I could tell she already knew the answer.

"Of course I would," I replied instantly.

She gave me a pleased smile then nodded. "Suggest it to her. You don't have to tell her I told you about it."

"Thanks, I'll talk to her about it later when I see her," I told her, adding it to the list of things I had to talk about. She seemed happy to have told, I could only assume this was something she'd wanted to suggest for a while now.

"I'll be back later for Emily," I said after a moment of silence. "Thanks for saying you'll look after her today."

She smiled then waved her hand at me. "It's nothing, really."

We said our goodbyes and after telling Emily that I was going, I started on my way to the hospital. It didn't seem to take as long as usual, although I pinned that to the fact I was rather reoccupied thinking about Mom.

When I arrived at the hospital, I went straight to where Mom had been the day before. However, not wanting to interrupt anything, I asked the nurse first if it was okay to go in.

She let me into the room straight away, and the moment Mom saw me, her face lit up.

"Hey, Jas," she murmured, sitting up straight in the bed. "You didn't have to come back today. They said I could go home today, I just have to wait for Carlisle – Doctor Cullen – to return."

I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes. "Of course I was going to come here. I had a feeling you'd be allowed home today."

She smiled warmly then looked towards the door behind me. "Where's Emily?"

"Oh, she's at the Cullens house. Esme called and said she'd look after her for the day."

"Esme's great," Mom said after I'd finished.

"She is, "I agreed. "You should have told me you knew her from the meetings.

"I'm sorry, I just…" she paused, looking down. "I just sometimes think you feel uncomfortable talking about the meetings."

I felt my heart sink in my chest at her words. She thought it mad me uncomfortable? That explained why she hadn't ever mentioned bringing family members to the meeting.

I was about to reply when the door opened and Doctor Cullen came in. "I hope I'm not intruding on anything," he said as he looked between us. I shook my head, knowing I couldn't very well say that he was.

He smiled and stepped closer to Mom. When he began to speak, I tried to listen, but I couldn't hear his words. All I knew was that he said she was free to leave whenever she wanted.

Once he left the room, Mom told me that she wanted to get ready, so I waited outside whilst she got changed. When Mom finally came out, she spotted Doctor Cullen, who had been looking at some paperwork on the main desk, and went towards him.

"All set?" he asked as soon as she was close enough. Mom nodded and said something to him before nodding once again when he asked if he'd see her at the meeting next week. They said goodbye to each other, and then finally we were on our way home.

We were relatively quiet as we walked back; many times I tried to start the conversation from earlier, but I just couldn't find the right words to use. Mom didn't seem too bothered by the silence though, as she spent most of the time looking around.

When we got home, things were still silent, and as she went into the main room, I realised it was happening again. Neither of us were good at confrontation when it came down to personal matters like these, I knew that now. Knowing that something had to be done, I followed her into the room and sat down next to her.

"I talked to my sponsor," she said, breaking the silence. "She left shortly before you turned up I…told her what happened."

I nodded slowly but didn't know what else to say, and it was then that I realised she meant by uncomfortable. The fact I wasn't answering was an indicator that I wasn't comfortable, and at that thought a grimace spread across my face.

"You know you can talk to me about these meetings," I murmured. "It doesn't make me uncomfortable to talk about it."

She gave me a long stare, as if considering her words, but when she didn't say anything, I spoke again.

"It's not that I feel uncomfortable…" I paused, my brow furrowing. "It's just…you know what I'm like with difficult topics."

She smiled, though it was a little tired looking. "Yeah, I do know what you're like. It makes sense that, but sometimes I…I get this feeling that you don't want to talk about it."

"It's because I don't know what to say, "I admitted. "At first I went about it all the wrong way, by shouting and arguing with you. But when I realised how serious he situation was, I saw how out of my depth I was. I just don't know how to deal with it."

When I finished, I looked at my lap, feeling as if I was letting her down somehow by saying that.

"Nor do I," she whispered, taking my hand in hers. "But we'll work out a way."

There was a determination in her voice that told me it was one of the things she wanted to most.

"We will," I said resolutely. "And I want to help you as much as I can. Starting with the meeting next Monday – I want to go with you. I know that family members are allowed to go along, too."

Her eyes widened slightly, I could tell it had surprised her. "How did you know family members are allowed?"

"Esme told me earlier," I murmured. "So what do you say, do you want me to come with you?"

"Yes," she said as the corner of her mouth turned upwards. "I'd like that a lot."

Letting out a quick sigh, I watched her open her arms and envelope me in a hug. Closing my eyes, I held onto her tighter, as if I was a small child once again, wondering when we'd last hugged like this.

With a sad twinge in my heart, I realised I couldn't remember.

* * *

**A/N****: Let me know what you think of this chapter! If you're wondering why I've added this side of Esme. It is because Jasper needs someone to talk to, someone who can help with different aspects of his life. Plus it shows that just because the Cullens life seems perfect, it isn't the case. Oh, and it makes Esme more of a 3D character.**

**Now, please, make an orderly queue behind me – this is the line where you wait to give Jasper a hug.**

**Your job is to review.**

**My job is to give you a teaser to chapter 41.**

**My aim is 520 reviews.**


	42. Chapter 41

**A/N****: Chapter 41!**

**Firstly, thank you to everyone who reviewed. You guys are amazing! Also, I'd like to thank Lady Tazz and mouse555 for pimping out this story.**

**Send some love to vegetarianvamps who kept me company whilst writing this last night. At 4am I told her I wouldn't finish the chapter, but by 6am I was finally finished.**

**Disclaimer:**** If I was Stephenie Meyer, I would have smacked Jasper into line and told him to STFU. But I'm just a fanfiction writer and let him talk and talk, hence why it is over seven thousand words long. Jasper owns me, enough said.**

* * *

**Chapter 41 - Blaming You, Blaming Me**

**19****th**** July 2009**

**Jasper POV**

Reaching over, I grabbed my phone from the side, saw that it was Edward calling, and pressed the 'answer' key.

"Hello."

"Hi, Jasper, you alright?"

"Yeah, what's up?" I asked, settling back into bed.

"I was just wondering, as the girls are having a sleepover at Bella's, if you wanted to come over to my house tomorrow night. Emmett's coming too," he replied. "We're just planning on playing Xbox and eating a lot of pizza."

I frowned, knowing that in any other situation I would have wanted to go. "I'm sorry, but I'm going to be busy tomorrow night. I promised my mom that I'd go somewhere with her."

He chuckled. "Is that the best excuse you can come up with?"

"I know, but seriously, if I was free tomorrow I would go," I told him.

"It's alright, I was just messing with you," he said, amusement tingeing his tone. "Maybe you'll be free next time."

"Yeah, hopefully," I murmured, secretly wondering if there _would _be a next time. It was the middle of July, and come the end of August, they would be leaving for college.

We said goodbye and I placed the phone back on the table. I was still planning on going with Mom to the meeting tomorrow. However, I hadn't yet found someone to babysit Emily. I'd asked the neighbours if they were able to look after her, but due to the time, they just weren't able to. When Mom asked Esme who was looking after Nessie, she told her that Nessie was going to her grandparents for the night, so that wasn't an option.

So that left me with quite a dilemma. Mom had been hinting that I stayed at home to look after her, but I refused to listen every time she tried to suggest it to me. I was going to ask Alice, knowing that she'd offered to look after her before, but now that I knew she was going to be at Bella's, it was out of the question.

Pushing it to the back of my mind, I thought about the past few days. In some ways, Mom was getting back into her usual routine, however, given that I was watching her more closely than ever I noticed small things I wouldn't have done before.

She wasn't sleeping as much as she usually did, and when I woke up each other, she was already awake. Whenever there was a knock at the door, which admittedly wasn't a frequent occurrence, she would jump up and answer it first, even when I was on my way to do so myself.

Her behaviour made no sense, and I had a hard time trying to comprehend it. Sometimes I thought it was because she was nervous about me being at one of her meetings, but even that didn't excuse the way she was acting.

Shaking my head, I leant back and closed my eyes, trying not to think of anything at all.

* * *

**20****th**** July 2009**

Whilst tapping my fingers on the tabletop, I waited for Alice to pick up the phone. It was eleven in the morning, and I still hadn't found anyone to look after Emily. As a last resort, I was calling Alice to see if her mother was free.

"Hey, Jas, what's up?"

Grimacing slightly at what I was about to do, I said, "I've got a really big favour to ask… your mom."

To my surprise, she laughed. "What? Do you want to talk to my mom?"

"I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't any other options. I just need someone to babysit Emily tonight between seven and nine," I told her, running my hand along my neck awkwardly. "I've asked around, but no one is free."

"Sorry, Jas, Mom and Dad are going out tonight," she murmured, but before I could respond, she continued. "But I could always look after her; you know you just have to ask."

"But I thought you were staying at Bella's tonight?" I asked, confused.

I could picture her brow furrowing as she said, "Yeah, I am. How did you know that?"

"Edward told me yesterday."

"Oh, yeah, I heard he was going to invite you to his tonight. Well, Emily can come with me and you can pick her up from Bella's afterwards," she replied as if it were perfectly simple. I frowned, not sure if I liked the idea. It was stupid to feel cautious of it, but all I could think about was that Emily didn't know Bella, and she'd only met Rosalie once.

"She'll be fine, Jas," Alice muttered, as if reading my thoughts. "She's met Rosalie before and she won't have a problem with Bella. Stop being the worrying older brother."

"I wasn't worrying," I shot back, knowing it wasn't completely true.

"Sure you weren't," she murmured, her tone indicating that she didn't believe me at all.

I chuckled but didn't say anything more. After a moment, she broke the silence that had fallen over us. "So, what are you doing tonight?"

For the briefest of moments, I clammed up, not wanting to answer her. It took a few seconds to remember that Alice knew about Mom, and that she had been there last week to witness it for herself.

"The AA meeting are every Monday," I finally told her. "I promised Mom I would go with her tonight."

There was a short pause. "Oh, right. How is she, anyway?"

I rubbed my hand over my face, thinking about how to answer her. "She's…getting through it, I guess. I don't know, Alice, I just don't know what's going on with her right now. I hope that tonight, I'll be able to understand this all a little bit more."

"Yeah, hopefully," she murmured, and I knew she didn't know what else to say to me.

* * *

The day seemed to pass quicker than I expected it to, and six thirty, when Alice was supposed to arrive for Emily, was nearly upon me. I'd told Emily about it earlier, and I really wasn't sure how I was expecting her to respond, but she seemed completely fine about spending an evening with Alice, Rosalie and Bella.

When there was a knock off the door, I jumped up, knowing it was Alice, but like always, Mom got there first. I gave her a quizzical look as I followed her into the hallway, ready to greet Alice.

As she opened the door, Alice looked between us, obviously wondering why we were both standing in the doorway.

"Hey, Alice," I said, stepping by Mom who had smiled quickly and moved away from the door.

"Is everything okay?" Alice asked the moment Mom went back into the other room. Her voice was quiet, so I knew she didn't want Mom to hear.

I gave her a weary look and then shrugged. "I don't know. She's been acting real strange every time someone knocks on the door. Like just now, I was going to answer, but she got there first again. It's like she's expecting someone."

"_Could_ she be expecting someone?" Alice inquired.

"Who?" I roughly ran my hands through my hair. "It's not as if she knows that many people around here, is it? I could ask her, but I bet she won't tell me."

Her brow pulled together. "Why wouldn't she tell you?"

My eyebrow rose as I stared at her, wondering when she was going to cotton on to what I was hinting at.

After a moment, she worked it out. "Oh, so your mom is as stubborn as you."

I nodded, smiling faintly. "I got that from her."

"So, how are you feeling? Nervous about later?" she said, asking the one thing I wasn't sure how to answer.

"I'm not really sure," I murmured honestly. "I keep telling myself that I'm ready for it. But honestly I haven't a clue what it's going to be like."

She rested her hand on my arm comfortingly. "I'm sure it will be fine, and like you said earlier, maybe it'll help you to understand this more."

I nodded, not knowing what else to say. When she looked down at her watch, I realised that she had to be going soon, as Mom and I had, too.

"I'll just go get Emily," I told her, leading her back into the house. Emily was in her room, colouring in her pad when I walked in.

"Come on, Ems," I murmured, signalling with my hand. "Alice is waiting downstairs. Are you ready?"

She nodded, grabbing her bag from the side. I wasn't sure what she'd packed in there, she'd insisted in doing it herself – another thing she didn't need my help with anymore. Shaking my head of the thought, I led her downstairs.

Knowing she had to say goodbye to Mom, I left her and went back outside. Alice didn't follow me out; I could only assume she was waiting for Emily.

Inhaling deeply, I went and sat down on the wall outside the house. The road was deserted, as expected, so no one saw me cuss under my breath. As soon as Alice and Emily leave, Mom and I would have to go too. I'd offered to go with her, but now that it was nearing the time to go, I didn't know what the hell to expect. In hindsight, I guess I should have talked to her more about it.

After a short while, I heard footsteps, and knew that they were ready to leave. Turning back, I saw Emily leading the way. When she walked by me, she smiled but didn't say anything.

When Alice walked up, she came to stand in front of me. "I'll see you about nine thirty, then."

I nodded, but didn't say anything else as I looked at Emily. As I passing thought, I wondered how she was going to take to being around people she didn't know, and whether she'd be okay for the next few hours.

"Stop it," Alice said, her voice half stern, half teasing.

I looked at her, confused. "Stop what?"

"You're worrying," she replied, giving me an expression that dared me to disagree with her. "She's only going to be at Bella's house. You know her dad is the Chief of Police, right? Nothing will go wrong."

"That's not what I was thinking about," I mumbled, glancing at Emily as I spoke. She was standing off to the side, watching my and Alice's interaction.

Alice sighed. "I bet you were thinking she wouldn't like being around people she didn't know, right?"

I looked at her, knowing my eyes would answer her question.

"We'll do her hair, paint her nails – anything that she'll like," Alice said, trying to reassure me. "She'll soon forget that Bella and Rosalie are strangers."

I rubbed my hands over my faces then nodded. "You're right. I'm just nervous about the meeting, and it's affecting everything else."

She gave me a sympathetic smile. "Try not to worry about it, okay? I'm sure later, when it's over, you'll be wondering why you were so nervous."

I didn't answer her because I didn't know whether that would be the case. As I looked at her, I was suddenly desperate for a hug. So without thinking, I placed my hands on her waist and pulled her closer.

As I was still sitting on the wall, we were very nearly the same height. Which meant as I wrapped my arms around her, holding her tightly against my chest, I was able to close my eyes and rest my head on her shoulder.

Inhaling deeply, I let her scent and aura calm me down. As if she knew I needed it, she returned the embrace and didn't let go.

Finally, when we pulled away, I murmured, "Thank you," not really know what I was thanking her for.

"It felt like you really needed that," she whispered, her hands still resting on my shoulders.

I nodded, wanting to tell her that I needed _more_ than just one. In fact, I wanted to repeat my actions from earlier and not let her go for a long time. Having her around, made me feel better, but actually having her in my arms soothed the raging storm in my chest.

But they had to go, I knew that. "Call me if something happens with Emily."

The corner of her mouth turned upwards. "I won't need to call you, but okay. I'll see you later."

She looked at Emily, who was still standing in the same spot from earlier. She walked forward, sensing that they were about to leave.

"See you later, Ems," I said, trying to muster a smile for her sake. "I'll see you later."

Emily waved at me, and then looked at Alice, who said goodbye to me before turning away. Emily looked back over her shoulder at me once, but I found, as they walked away, it wasn't Emily I was watching – it was Alice.

* * *

I glanced at my watch every few seconds, knowing that as each minute passed, it was getting closer and closer to when the meeting would begin. We still hadn't arrived, and in all honesty, I wasn't paying attention to where we were going. Mom was leading the way, and like last week, when we walked back from the hospital, neither of us spoke.

In the back of my mind, I had the distinct feeling that she was as nervous about this as I was. I could tell in the way she kept wringing her hands together; that was her nervous tick.

With just five minutes before the meeting was due to begin we arrived at a building I'd never seen in all the time I'd been in Forks. Falling back a step, I let her go in first, feeling the nervousness magnifying tenfold within my chest.

As we stepped in, it was as if all eyes in the room were drawn to me. I felt like the intruder, even if people were allowed to bring their family members along. Quickly scanning the room, I spotted Doctor Cullen and Esme standing talking together near the front of the room. When they saw we'd arrived, they walked straight towards us.

"Jasper, you came," Esme murmured, looking evidently pleased that I'd listened to what she'd said last week.

I nodded, swallowing heavily as I looked around the room once again. There were more people than I expected, though there couldn't have been more than twenty in the room.

As Mom and Esme entered into a conversation, I stood off to the side, surveying the area. The room was quite minimalist, with only a bunch of chairs, and row of tables along the wall. On one of the tables, there was a kettle, some mugs and an assortment of biscuits and cakes. From what I'd seen in movies, this was rather cliché, but I put the thought to the back of my mind.

"You must be Jasper."

I turned around to see a man, much taller than I was, standing in front of me. How he knew my name I wasn't sure. He was well built, with fairly wide shoulders. At first glance, he looked menacing, but when I met his eye, they showed that he was quite the opposite.

"Yeah, ho-" But before I could ask him how he knew who I was, a woman called the room to attention, and I knew immediately that the meeting was about to begin. I felt the muscles in my arms tense as I clenched my hands into balls. Mom signalled with her hand for me to follow her, and soon enough we were both sitting down in the circle the chairs formed.

The woman, who had spoken earlier, stood up and looked around at everyone. When her eyes landed on me, they lingered there for a brief moment before moving away.

"It looks like we are welcoming a guest into our group tonight," she said, and immediately my whole body froze, knowing she was referring to me. "It's nice to finally meet you, Jasper."

Again, I stared at her, wondering how she, too, knew my name. However, a second later, it dawned on me that Mom must have talked about me before – _that _was how they knew who I was.

I nodded curtly at me, not knowing what else to do. The woman then continued as everyone, excluding the Cullens who were still smiling at me, returned their attention back to her.

She started talking about the topics they had discussed about last week, and asked one of the women closest to her how her daughter was doing. In all the time she spoke, not once did she mention the progress people had made, or the fact that Mom had relapsed. Which, in a way, was a huge relief, and I was grateful.

Finally, as she settled into her own chair, she said, "Has anyone got anything they'd like to share with the group?"

At first, I was expecting the room to remain completely silent, as usually, when these kinds of things happened at school, _no one_ volunteered. However, the man who had approached me earlier raised his hand.

He cleared his throat, and looked around at everyone before beginning. "My wife got in contact with me last Thursday. She…" He paused, looking down for a moment. "She told me the kids wanted to see me and that she is willing to set up meetings with them once a week."

As he spoke, it dawned on me that his story was familiar to me. I could remember hearing something similar before.

Then it hit me; it was Felix, the man Mom had mentioned before. He was the one she talked to; he was the one that helped her. He was the one that understood what she was going through.

A part of me knew not to judge him by his appearance, but if I'd seen him talking to Mom in the street, I would immediately want her to stop.

"I know she wanted me to stop drinking before I saw them again," he continued, a small smile forming on his face. "Finally I'm getting there."

Everyone seemed genuinely pleased for him, and I realised then that this small group of people were probably more invested in each other's lives than I'd first assumed.

They settled back down and the woman in charge started talking again. "So, who wants to add something?"

When Mom raised her hand, I felt the tension set in once again.

"As I'm sure you're aware, I didn't attend the meeting last week," she began, her voice quieter, and much more uncertain than Felix's had been. "I had a relapse."

Quickly scanning the faces of those around us, I looked for any signs of disappointment or pity. However, I saw neither of those, and instead there was understanding.

"I know why I did it, and I also know that it was stupid to do it. But at the time, I couldn't see myself doing anything else." She paused, looking down at her lap. "Anything could have happened because of my actions, and all I can think now is that would have been how my daughter saw me last – how my son saw me last."

As she spoke, she turned to look at me, regret shining in her eyes. "That isn't how I want them to remember me."

I wanted to say something, _anything_, to let her know that it wouldn't be the way we'd remember her, but she continued before I could get anything out.

"I promised that I would get better. I promised you all that I would try to overcome this, but last week, I wasn't strong enough."

"You shouldn't think like that," Esme murmured. She was the first person to speak since Mom started talking. "Everyone in this room has been in the same situation as you."

I saw Mom give Esme a weak smile of gratitude. "Thank you, Esme. But every time it happens, I feel that I let my son down."

Taking my hand in hers, she continued. "Every time I fail, I fear that…he will be ashamed of me."

"I'd never be ashamed of you," I answered immediately, forgetting that I was in a room full of people I didn't know. When I saw that her eyes were watering, I gave her hand a soft squeeze. "I'll never be ashamed of you, Mom."

Like earlier with Esme, she gave me a weak smile. "But I know you, Jas," she whispered. "You're scared that I'll turn into your father."

Her words rendered me speechless. I wanted to disagree with her; I wanted to tell her that I never thought she was going to turn into my father. But the thing was that thought _had_ crossed my mind before, and I _was_ scared that it would be a repeat occurrence.

When I met her eye, I saw it as clear as day. She knew what she'd said was true, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Slowly, she removed her hand from mine. Feeling a sharp twinge in my chest, I let my hand drop down to my side. The woman in charge said something, and I was certain Mom replied to her. But from that moment on, I couldn't hear a word any of them were saying.

The topic moved onto someone else, and I didn't look around, not even to see who it was. Their voices were just a murmur in the back of my mind. All I could think about was that Mom somehow knew that I was worried she would turn into my father.

After a while, the group split up, and people started talking to those around them. As Esme and Carlisle came over to talk to Mom, I slipped away from them and went outside, needing the fresh air.

Leaning back against the wall, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. The cold air felt good as I filled my lungs with it, but when I heard someone step outside, I nearly choked as I exhaled.

When I saw it was Carlisle, I felt the muscles in my jaw clench. I liked him, and thought he was a good person to talk to. But in that moment, I wanted to be alone, and I certainly didn't want to talk about what had happened in there. Not with anyone except Mom, and even then, it would probably be a little too soon for us to discuss it.

"How are you feeling?"

A number of responses came to mind, each as unlikely and some ruder than others. But I said none of those, and merely gave a noncommittal shrug of my shoulders and looked away.

"My father wasn't around much when I was growing up," he started, startling me at his sudden delve into a conversation. "It was a different circumstance to this, of course, he worked away from home a lot, but I do understand what it is like to go through these years without him in your life."

"I don't need him in my life," I muttered, letting my mouth react before I could even think about a response I wanted to make – _if _I wanted to give one, that is. I knew already that I didn't want to go into this subject with him.

"That's what I said when I was about your age, too," he murmured, his tone thoughtful. "I guess that's why I tended not to be around when he came home each time."

I wanted to ask him where he was going with this, but instead I decided on something different.

"No offence, but our situations are a little different," I said, trying to keep my voice as neutral as possible. "You don't know why my father isn't around."

"I do, actually," he said calmly, taking me by surprise once again. "Your mother has talked about him during the meetings."

I stared at him for a long moment as he finished speaking. _Mom talked about my father during the meetings? _She couldn't talk to him about me, and vice versa, but she could talk about him to people she didn't know? The thought made me realise that there was something quite wrong there, but another part of me knew that even though I now knew she talked about it, things still weren't likely to change between us.

"Well, I don't mean to be rude," I said, knowing what I was saying was probably the exact opposite. "But as you saw in there, I can barely talk about him with my own mother, so I don't want to talk about him with you."

"I understand that," he continued, still with the calm voice. "I just thought you'd like someone to talk to."

I knew he meant well, really, I did, but in that moment, I just couldn't take it that way.

"Like I said," I said, my teeth gritted. "I don't want to talk about it. You say you understand, but you don't know what it is like. Your father was working, mine deserted his family, and I _hate_ him for that. So don't expect me to talk about him with you because I will _always _react the same way I do with everyone else."

His expression was almost _vacant_, and the sight of it freaked me out a little. I was used to see their reaction to me impromptu anger on their faces, but with Carlisle? He was a blank canvas.

"I'm sorry," he said simply, staring me straight in the eyes. I swallowed heavily, not knowing what the fuck to say next. So I took the only way out I knew in that moment – to leave.

I turned away from him and walked away from the building. Knowing he wouldn't follow me, I stopped when I was around the corner. Even though I doubted he was going to say outside, I still didn't look back.

Running my hands over my face, I tried to rid the anger from my body completely. What the fuck had just happened? It wasn't as if I was even angry at Carlisle, I was angry at my father, _furious_ even. He wasn't here, yet he still caused problems, one after another.

In the back of my mind, I knew that, in a way, I was as much to blame for this all as he was.

* * *

I wasn't sure how long I'd been outside. I didn't want to go back inside because I knew Carlisle was in there and God knows I didn't want to face him again right now. I felt like an ass for saying what I did, and I wanted to apologise, but that would mean doing it in front of people.

So I remained outside, and when people started leaving, I stood back in the more shadowed area, hoping many of them wouldn't pay any attention to me. Mom came out and seemed to spot me almost immediately.

"What are you doing out here? Why didn't you come back in?" she asked, and in the back of my mind, I noticed her tone was a little awkward, and I knew that was because of what she'd said to me earlier.

"I just… I needed some air," I told her, knowing it was only partly true. She nodded, not saying anything more, and my thoughts turned back towards Carlisle. I hadn't expected him to go in there telling them what had happened between us, but a small part of me was still surprised that Mom was asking why I hadn't gone back inside.

Yet when I saw the doors open and Carlisle and Esme step out, I watched as he looked me right in the eye, smiled and gave me a quick nod. It was almost as if he was saying that the way I talked to him earlier was okay. I realised in that moment that Carlisle was a much better man than I was ever going to be.

"Should we go?" Mom asked, breaking me from my thoughts completely. I nodded at her, thankful to be finally going home.

However, like earlier as we walked, everything was silent, and I though I hoped it was my mind playing tricks on me, it was as if we were walking further apart, too. I tried not to think about it as I realised we were nearing the turning that Alice said I had to take to get to Bella's house.

"Mom, we have to go down that way to get Emily," I told her, pointing in the direction of where we had to go. When I looked back at her, I saw that she wasn't even looking at me, but at something ahead of us. Before I had to chance to look at what she was staring at, she looked back at me, her eyes looking different than they had earlier.

"Why don't you go get Emily yourself, and I go home and start on dinner?"

I opened my mouth to say something, but closed it again as I wondered where this slightly abrupt response came from.

"It's only going to take like ten minutes," I told her, frowning. "It won't take very long at all."

She shook her head then looked around. "Really, Jasper, I'm sure you will want to talk to you friends, anyway. I will be fine to walk the rest of the way on my own. Just go."

I gave her a long stare, wondering what was going on in that mind of hers. "Fine," I muttered. "I'll see you at home in a little while."

She didn't even say goodbye, and instead gave me a quick nod before turning away from me. I stared at her as she walked away, my expression incredulous. What the fuck was her problem? I shook my head, trying to force the anger back down into my chest and out of sight.

Turning out of the street I was in, I went down the one Alice said Bella lived on. It wasn't that hard to find the correct house number, but even so, the police cruiser in the driveway was a big enough indication. Knocking on the door, I waited for someone to answer.

I wasn't expecting Bella's father to answer, which meant I didn't say anything when he opened the door. Luckily, he seemed to know what I was here for.

"Bells, one of your friends is here," he said, shouting over his shoulder. He stepped away from the door as soon as Bella came into sight.

"Hey, Jasper," she said as soon as she saw me. "Come in, Emily is asleep in my room. She was pretty tired."

I nodded, stepping in. "Yeah, usually she is asleep by eight… thanks."

Feeling slightly awkward, she led me into the main room where Rosalie and Alice were sitting on the couch.

"I'll go wake Emily up," Bella murmured before leaving the room. I was thinking of something to say, when Alice stood up and told Rosalie that we were going to talk outside for a moment.

As soon as we were outside, she led me towards the wall surrounding the small garden, where we both sat down.

"How was it?" Alice finally asked.

I ran my hands through my hair, considering my answer. "It was…different to what I expected. But she said something to me that I don't think she would have said if it were just the two of us. It was as if she could open up to them more than what she could to me.

"The worst thing was that what she said was true, and she _knew_ it was true, Alice, she knew and I hate that there wasn't anything I could do to stop her thinking like that."

When I looked at Alice, I could tell that a part of her wanted to ask what Mom had said, but thankfully she seemed to know that I didn't want to go into it.

"Going to the meeting has helped," I continued, turning my gaze away from her once again. "But at the same time it's made me realise even more that I haven't a clue how to deal with this kind of thing."

"You're not the only one, Jas," Alice murmured reassuringly. "I bet you there nearly everyone involved doesn't really know how to deal with it."

"But I _need_ to know," I whispered desperately.

Alice stood up and came to stand in front of me, reminding me of the same situation as earlier. "Just being there, and showing your support is surely enough for her."

In some sense, I knew that she was right. That was all I could do for Mom right now – be there for her.

"I guess," I mumbled, and when I met her eye, I silently pleaded with her to hug me as she had earlier.

"There's no 'I guess' about it," she murmured, smiling faintly, and then for a long moment she stared at me, as if deep in thought. Then slowly she moved even closer.

When she spoke again, her voice took on a tentative quality. "Do you need a hug?"

I looked her straight in the eye as she asked the one thing I needed most in that moment. _Yes_.

"Okay," she whispered in a barely there voice. I wasn't sure how she knew I wanted it, and in that moment, I really didn't care to find out.

She wrapped one arm around me, whilst her hand rested against my chest. Reacting quickly, I pulled her closer and leant my head on her shoulder, keeping my eyes tightly closed as I sunk into her embrace.

"Jas, your heart is racing," she said to me as she moved her hand. "Just relax."

"Things will get better," she murmured as she ran her fingers through my hair. I didn't give her an answer, and I knew she wasn't waiting one.

"This reminds me of a mother comforting a child," she continued a little while later. "It just feels…comfortable."

"It feels different to me, "I whispered, not opening my eyes.

"Oh?" It was her only response.

"Yes… but I don't know how to describe it," I lied. I knew how to describe it, but how did I tell her that with Mom, I wanted to pull away after awhile, but with her I never wanted to let go?

"It's okay," she said, her hands stilling for a moment. "I think I understand."

I wanted to ask her what she thought I meant, but at the same time I heard Rosalie calling our names. We pulled apart, though my hands stopped at her hips. We both looked at Rosalie who was standing in the doorway.

"Emily's awake now," she said, and even from the distance we were, I could still see her eyes flickering from me to Alice and back again.

"Alright, we'll be inside in a minute," Alice replied before turning back to me once Rosalie left the doorway. "You okay now?"

Then as she spoke, she rested her hand over my heart. "See, I said you needed to relax."

At first I didn't realise what she was saying, but then I remembered what she'd said about my heart beating quickly. Obviously it had changed, and I knew that was because of Alice's presence.

"Come on, let's get back inside," she told me, signalling to follow her in. Emily was sitting on the couch when I got in, and I grimaced when I saw she was nearly asleep again.

"I made her something for dinner around seven thirty, so you don't have to feed her anything when you get home," Bella informed me, looking from Emily to me.

"Thank you," I murmured, giving them all a quick smile. "Sorry I made you babysit tonight."

Rosalie waved her hand at me. "It's nothing. Besides, it gave Bella the chance to get out her old videos out again."

I looked between them with a quizzical expression on my face. "Bella loves Disney films," Alice clarified, obviously picking up on my confusion.

"Used to love," Bella interjected, turning a little pink in the face.

Rosalie snorted. "I don't know who you're fooling. You were more excited when Beauty and the Beast started than Emily was!"

"Alright, alright, it just brought back memories, that's all," Bella murmured, turning an even darker shade of pink than she was before.

"Bella used to pretend she was Belle from the films," Alice said. Bella's expression quickly turned to mortification.

I chuckled. "Who played the beast?"

"Emmett's older brother, Henry," Bella replied, giggling to herself.

"Doesn't the beast turn into a prince and fall in love with Belle or something?" I continued, wondering how I even knew that.

"Yeah…" The three of them shared at quick glance, making my eyebrows pull together. I'd clearly missed the message they were trying to get across.

"Okay, I'm going to go. This is more talk about Disney films than I planned." I turned towards Emily who was asleep. "Come on, Ems." As I spoke, I bent down and picked her up.

She opened her eyes then tightened her arms around me, rested her head on my shoulder and fell asleep once again.

"She's exhausted," Alice whispered, watching Emily.

"I know" I agreed, holding Emily tighter. "Usually she's in bed for at least an hour and a half by now."

"You want us to walk back with you?" Rosalie questioned, taking me completely by surprise.

"No, it's alright," I replied, looking towards the door. "You guys stay here and get on with whatever girly shit you had planned."

I think Rosalie and Alice simultaneously rolled their eyes at my response. But I was taken aback by Bella's reply.

"I could at least drop you home in the truck. It'll take like five minutes, and it'll be quicker than you walking back in the dark."

I opened my mouth to say something, but I closed it again and merely nodded, accepting her offer.

"Okay, you two can stay here and… occupy yourselves with something," Bella said, addressing Rosalie and Alice.

"Maybe we'll go talk to Charlie," Alice replied, smiling.

Rosalie giggled, nodding, whilst Bella just stared at them for a long moment. "If he gets into a long winded conversation with you both, then it's on your head, not mine."

They laughed but didn't say anything more. We all said our goodbyes – Alice promising she'd come see me tomorrow – then Bella and I left. It was silent as Bella pulled out of the driveway and began driving down the road. The silence grew awkward, and the only sound that broke it was that of a motorbike somewhere behind us.

"What was that?" Bella asked, and I briefly thought whether she'd asked that just to break the silence.

"A motorbike," I replied, allowing my mind to imagine the kind of bike that had made that noise.

I waited for the silence the fall over us once again, but surprisingly, it didn't, as Bella continued to speak.

"I've ridden on a motorbike before," she mused. "I was thirteen, and fell off like two metres away from where I started."

I smirked to myself, remembering the time when I'd learnt to ride, and had, too, fallen off shortly after getting on.

"My dad went crazy," she continued. "I didn't want him to find out, but when I fell off, I grazed the side of my cheek, and that wasn't so easy to hide. He grounded me for a month, and lectured Henry about not setting a good example."

"Henry?" I asked before she could say anything else.

She nodded and was silent for a moment, as if deep in thought. "Yeah, it was the middle of summer when it happened. Rosalie and Alice were both on holiday with their families, Emmett was grounded and…" She stopped midsentence, her voice breaking as she stopped talking.

I glanced at her, but before I could say anything, she continued.

"One of Henry's friends got this motorbike from somewhere. I think it was his older brothers. But anyway, being that I was the only one allowed to go out, Henry took me with him."

It was silent for a moment. "You and Henry must be pretty close."

When she didn't answer, I turned back to look at her. She was staring straight out the window in front of her, but looking as if she wasn't seeing a thing.

"We were," she finally replied, her voice quieter than before. I didn't say anything, as I sensed it was a touchy subject. However, she continued. "I haven't seen him in a while. It's kind of hard to see each other because of school and everything."

Not knowing what to say, I remained silent. Thankfully she asked me which street I lived in moments later, and I knew she was changing the subject. When we pulled up outside the house, I shifted Emily on my lap, preparing to get out.

"Thanks for taking up home," I said, feeling the awkwardness seep back in. "And thanks for looking after her tonight."

"That's okay. She's a good kid."

I smiled. "I know."

"She…" Bella paused. "She's a lot like you, in some ways."

Looking down at Emily, I said, "I know that, too."

Not wanting the silence to fall over us anymore, I opened the door. "I'll see you some time soon, I guess."

She nodded, giving me a quick smile as I made sure Emily was securely in my arms and stepped out. Looking back through the window, she waved and then started the engine. Not needing to watch her drive away, I turned towards the house and went inside.

Mom was in the kitchen when we got in, so I told her I was taking Emily to bed and went straight upstairs. Emily was so out of it that I had to pretty much change her into her pyjamas in her sleep.

Finally she was tucked up in bed, and I went back downstairs to see Mom, but when I got into the kitchen, I saw that her eyes were red and blotchy. She'd been crying; I knew she had.

"What's happened?" I asked immediately, coming to stand next to her.

She looked at me, but diverted her eyes quickly. "It's nothing, just the onions making my eyes water."

If the situation wasn't so fucking seriously, I would have laughed at her feeble excuse. Instead, I felt a twinge in the pit of my stomach, knowing she was lying to me. Whatever had made her cry, she didn't want me knowing about it.

I felt my shoulders sag as I watched her focusing on her chopping the onions a little too intently. The meeting might have helped me understand a few things better, but it only opened the door to lots of other things that still needed to be addressed between us - like what caused her to relapse.

We also needed to talk about one more thing, but how we were going to do that, I did not know.

* * *

**A/N****: Let me know what you think. Bella and Jasper are finally talking! It will get better for them from here onwards, so all you Bella lovers can put your bricks away. What about the meeting? What about the Jalice moments? The hugs made me happy.**

**I'd love to get 20 reviews for a chapter in this story. I've never had 20 for one chapter before. But anyway, my aim is around 535 reviews. You know I'll give you a teaser, but I warn you now, it will be evil.**

**The next chapter skips forward by about a month. You're probably thinking why I month? It's just to move the story along.**


	43. Chapter 42

**A/N****: Chapter 42!**

**My readers, you blow my mind. Kudos to you all.**

**A couple of people mentioned Henry in their review for the last chapter. If you read the outtake from Halloween 2004 (found in Lost in Orbit: Side Orders), you'd know that Bella liked Henry – this was **_**before**_** Edward was in Forks. You'll find out more about Henry in coming chapters. If you wonder what he looks like, then picture Kellan Lutz. Henry and Emmett look similar, and in my opinion, Kellan as himself and Kellan as 'Emmett' look different. Here's picture of 'Henry':**

**h t t p : / i52 . tinypic . com / 2zny5g3 . jpg**

**Yes, it's one of the sexiest pictures of Kellan with dark hair I could find. Just take out all the spaces in that link.**

**Just a quick warning, Jasper pretty much shouts at everyone in this chapter, excluding Bella. *nods objectively then runs away with evil grin on my face***

**Disclaimer****: I don't own Jasper or Bella, but when you read this chapter, you'll know who I **_**do**_** own.**

***shakes head because you're all going to guess from the title***

* * *

**Chapter 42 - Why Did He Have to Come Back?**

**22****nd**** August 2009**

**Jasper POV**

I sat back flipping through the cars magazine that was lying around. I only had ten minutes left of my break. Lunch breaks were always boring. Bella was never allowed to take hers at the same time, even though I doubted that she would want to spend time with me. And if I had to share a shift with Newton, I'd stay well clear of him. The less time I had to spend talking to him, the better. Though, I think he had finally gotten the impression that I didn't like him, as whenever we _did_ work together, he tended to give me a wide berth.

There was a soft knock at the door and Bella poked her head in, I was about to tell her there was no need to knock, when she started speaking.

"Jasper, there's a man here to see you,"she whispered, evidently not wanting the visitor to hear her. I dropped the magazine back on the table and made my way back into the shop. Who the fuck was coming to visit me at work?

As I stepped back into the main shop I scanned the room for him. He was facing a rack of hiking boots, so he didn't see me walk in. But then he turned around, and the breath whooshed out of my body in one fell swoop.

We stood for a moment staring at each other in silence. He looked exactly the same as what he did five years ago. But I didn't care about what he looked like. What the fuck was he doing in Forks?

"Outside. Now,"I growled at him before storming from the shop. I doubted Karen would like me starting a fight inside. I didn't bother to turn around to see if he was following me. Instead, I kept walking outside until I was far enough from prying ears.

The moment I stopped walking, I turned around to face him. He was standing a few metres away from me, and from the look on his face, I could tell he didn't know what to say.

"What the fuck are you doing here?"I snapped angrily when he didn't say anything. All he did was look at me with an almost distant expression on his face.

Then as he broke out of it, he seemed taken aback by my hostile attitude. "I came to find you."

I snorted. "Why did you bother?"

"Don't be like that, son,"he said in a stern voice.

I gritted my teeth. "_Don't_ call me that."

"I'm your father,"he replied, as if that gave him some right and the power to decide what he called me.

I laughed mercilessly. "_Father_? You gave up that right the day you walked out on us."

He took a step towards me. "I've come to make amends for what I did."

I shook my head vigorously and took a step away from him. "Make a_mends_? You left us without saying a _word_. We thought you had been _killed_."

It was silent then after my little outburst, I ran my trembling fingers through my hair.

"That was a very dark time for me," he began in a remote voice. "I think it was best for the family to have a time out."

My eyes widened in disbelief. I had to clench my hands tightly so that I didn't lunge at him.

"_Best for the family_?" I cried, my voice getting even louder. "You're fucking unbelievable! You think it was good to leave your wife to look after a teenager and a one year old _alone_?"

He looked down at the ground then, his expression was guilty. _Too fucking right he should be guilty_, I thought to myself heatedly. I felt like telling him that he should be ashamed of himself.

"I wasn't in the right mind, I didn't know what I was doin',"he said finally after a long silence. What was he expecting? _Sympathy_? For me to just say that it was alright? Maybe he wanted me to forgive him for the shit that his leaving caused. There was more chance of the moon exploding than me forgiving him right now.

"I was an alcoholic and things weren't gettin' better," he said in a matter of fact voice. "I was in a downward spiral and I needed help."

"So you're finally admitting it then?"

He nodded slowly. "I knew I had to do somethin' about it, and so I sold my bike and with the money I bet on a horse-"

I stopped him them with a short, hard laugh. "You sell your bike just so you could piss it away on a horse? What a great role model you'd make."

He shook his head, his brow furrowing, most probably in annoyance with the fact that I didn't let him finish.

"No, I won, quite a considerable amount, too. I admit at the time it was a stupid thing to do, but when I received the money, I knew that I had the choice, either waste it all on alcohol or do somethin' with it."

It was silent as he spoke, for once I didn't have anything to say; I just let him speak.

"I turned my life around, Jasper. I got myself into an intense rehab program and then I invested some of the money. I've been sober for just over eighteen months now, and the small businesses I advised and helped invest in are doin' well."

What was he after? Did he want me to go slap him on the back and congratulate him? He'd be waiting a long time for that, if that was the case, as it wasn't about to happen anytime soon.

When I didn't answer him, he carried on. "I'm doin' what I started out to do years ago. I'm a business advisor workin' at a branch in Port Angeles."

_Port Angeles?_ Did that mean he'd been close to us for quite some time? But I were in Port Angeles last month, was he there then?

"I can finally support my family," he said in a sincere tone, his accent thickening, as if he was going to cry. If he did, I was in such a mood, that I would want to laugh in his face.

"We don't need you," I growled, the look in my eyes probably saying more than my words ever would. "We are managing on our own."

"Only just though,"he said in a judgemental tone. "Just look at you. You've lost weight, Jasper. You look like you haven't had a square meal in months."

I sneered at him. "I was _fourteen _when you last saw me. I'm hardly going to look the same, am I? Besides, we manage just fine. We're not fucking starving, if that's what you're trying to make out. If that was the case, then yes, I would give the majority of the food to Emily so that she doesn't go hungry, but we're _fine_. Do you want to know why I've lost weight? It's because of all the shit in my life, and if you'd stuck around, maybe you'd know what I was referring to."

He looked away, ashamed once again. But I could see that his expression had softened somewhat at the mention of Emily's name. "How is…" he began, but I stopped him.

"No!" I snapped. "You don't have the right to ask about her. You left before her first birthday, she doesn't even _know_ you. Hell, I don't even know you anymore, and frankly, I don't _want_ to know you, either."

He took another step towards me with his hand outstretched, as if he was trying to touch me.

"But you can know me, son. We can be a family again," he said, his tone making it sound more like a question than a statement.

"You think just because you're back, things can go back to what they were before everything fucked up?"

"If you would just give it a-"

"No!" I yelled, interrupting him again. "Don't you _get it?_ I don't _want_ you here. Just leave Forks and _my _family alone, and don't come back. We don't want you here."

Pain twisted across his face, but somehow he composed himself yet again. "Son…" he murmured but I cut him off.

"Just don't, _Dad_." His name left my lips like a curse.

And then after a thought, I turned back to him. "Don't even think about going to see Mom. She's in enough stress as it is without you turning up with the shit storm you usually create."

With that, I turned away from him swiftly, not wanting to hear his response. I knew he tried to say something more, but I wasn't listening.

I all but ran back towards the shop, knowing he wouldn't follow me in there – he could tell from my tone that we were finished.

I didn't turn around to look at him as I pushed the door to the shop open and walked in without breaking stride once. In all honesty, I couldn't care less if that was the last time I ever saw him.

Bella was sitting behind the counter and eyed me warily as I approached, I was sure she'd heard parts of what had just happened.

Without saying a word, I made my way back into the staffroom and collapsed onto the chair. I sat forward, resting my head in my shaking hands. I heard the door open quietly and felt someone sit down next to me.

"Jasper?" Bella said softly. "Who was that?"

I sat up and ran my hands through my hair. "My father,"I breathed, knowing that was the most I was going to tell her. Now that the argument was over, I felt completely drained and incredibly shaken.

She was silent for a moment as she rested her hand on my shoulder. It was meant as a comforting gesture, and I guess, in a way, it was. "Do you want to talk about it?"she asked finally.

I shook my head. "No, but thanks for offering."

I could tell that she was only asking because she didn't really know what else to say. It was an understatement to say we weren't the closest of friends. The only real thing that brought us together was Alice. But in some sense, I'd like to think that if this was the other way around, then I'd be doing the exact same thing she was.

She stood up. "Okay, I'm going to go back into the shop, no ones standing at the cash register."

"I'll be out in a minute," I promised. She smiled, nodded then left me alone again. I sat back against the chair and closed my eyes again.

Why did he pick _now_ to come back? If he had been telling the truth, and he really _had_ been sober for eighteen months, then why did he wait that long to come back? He'd missed the first years of his daughter's life.

_Fuck, Emily!_

What the hell was I going to tell her? What the hell was I going to tell _Mom_? They would be able to tell something was getting to me, and I hated having to lie to them. I didn't have to tell Emily, but this certainly wasn't something I could keep from Mom.

After taking a drink from the machine, I went back into the shop. Bella was dealing with a customer, so I busied myself with organising things that were already organised.

Bella covered for me more than once when Karen would tell me to do something. When I knocked over a rack of dehydrated foods, she helped me pick them up before anyone noticed. I wasn't sure why she was being so nice to me; we didn't make much effort with each other before, that was for sure. But I was grateful, more so, in fact.

I was relieved when Karen finally told me that my shift was over. I honestly couldn't get out of there quick enough.

Even though I was in no rush to get home, I found that the walk took a lesser amount of time than usual. My mind was working in overdrive, trying to work out what I was going to tell Mom. Emily was at the Cullens, so I wouldn't have to worry about her until later.

However I knew Mom had to know, not only would she be furious at me for keeping it from her, but she also deserved to know the truth. A thought that made my stomach turn, was when I wondered if she would be angry at me for sending him again. But I shook my head, willing the thought to fade away.

I almost had everything planned out in my head when I turned onto my street and saw one of the nicest looking bikes I'd ever seen, parked up.

But it was only as I walked closer did I realise it was parked directly outside our gate. I growled angrily as I stormed up the steps and slamming the door open. There was only one person who would have a bike like that, _and he said he'd sold it._

As the door slammed against the wall, it echoed through the small house. I could hear someone moving in the other room, so I moved forward until I stood in the doorway to the main room. The anger boiled inside, and then exploded out of me just a raging fire as I charged towards him.

He raised his hands in defence, but I was too far gone for that to stop me. Instead, I pushed him with all my strength. He stumbled backwards and fell against the wall, making the pictures tremble on impact. He didn't have time to right himself as I pinned him where he stood.

"You _bastard!_"I yelled at him, my face inches from his. "I told you not to come here!"

He flinched as I brought my fist up.

"_Jasper!_"Mom screamed from the doorway.

I turned my head to look at her; she was staring wide eyed at me with her hands raised, as if she was trying to calm me down. I slowly lowered my shaking fist and loosened my grip around his shirt collar, which I'd used to pin him back.

I turned to her fully as she stared at me in shock. "How are you even allowing him to _stand_ there?"I roared at her. She took a step towards him which put more of a distance between us.

"Jasper,"she said in a soft voice. It was the same voice you would use when trying to convince someone that their way was the best way.

"What the fuck is going on, Mom?" I demanded she glanced quickly at _him _before looking back at me.

"Your father and I have been talking and… we want to give our marriage another go,"she said in a quiet voice, I was momentarily stunned.

Then it all came down on my chest, like a height weight pressing into me. I felt my whole body shaking with anger as I brought my hands up and ran them angrily over my face.

"_Fuck!_"I screamed into my open hands. "You want to give it another _go_?"

"We still love each other," she replied in a defensive tone.

"You still _love_ each other?" It came out as a shriek; I was completely and utterly losing it.

"Have you forgotten what he did to you? What he did to us all? Are you completely fucking _insane_?" I hollered as they both took a step away from me.

"Do _not_ talk to your mother like that," he commanded, finally stepping in. I stared at him, my chest heaving, eyes bulging.

"Don't talk to me, you bastard, you think you can just swan back in here and take command? Where the fuck were you when _she_ needed you?" I cried whilst pointing angrily at Mom.

"Where were you when she'd collapsed halfway through puking up her guts? She got completely wasted, leaving me to look after Emily and her. She must have gotten that one from you."

His face twisted in pain, he obviously he didn't know about that.

"She was asking for you, you know?" I continued. "She was screaming at _me _because she thought _I'd _sent you away. So I repeat, _Dad, _where the fuck were you when she needed you?"

Mom stared at me, speechless. I hadn't ever told her what had happened that night, she didn't remember the way she'd attacked me, or the way she'd demanded I find him.

"Where were you when she nearly drunk herself into a coma, when it was _Emily_ who had to be the one to find her in that state?" I demanded. There was a flash of something across his face that I didn't understand, but I paid little attention.

"Where were you when _I_ needed you?" I choked on the last few words, and my face crumpled in pain as I brought up April last year.

"Jasper," Mom whispered as tears poured from her eyes, but I shook my head as she tried to take a step towards me.

"I said I'd never be ashamed of you, Mom, but…" I couldn't finish my sentence, as the thin line I was using to keep the hot, angry tears at bay was breaking.

"You're as bad as each other,"I whispered in a defeated voice. I was completely and utterly drained, just as I had been earlier.

Without another word, I turned away and made my way back outside. I suddenly wanted to get out of the house and as far away from them as possible. I all but sprinted from the street, and didn't stop until I was at the local park, where I collapsed onto the nearest bench.

I sat forward, and rested my head in my hands, where I let the pain and anger out as I cried.

_Why did he have to come back?_

* * *

**A/N****: *dances in the sea of angst***

***gasp* Alice was only mentioned once in 3024 words.**

**So, what do you think to Jasper's father? Did he deserve to have Jasper treat him like that? In Jasper's eyes, of course he f*cking did. You'll find out what happened concerning his father's departure soon.**

**You all guessed that his father was coming back! I so wanted to say something, but alas, I couldn't. Whether he really was the one at the hospital, or the one on the bike (as a few mentioned), you'll just have to wait and see.**

**Please review? You know you want to make me really happy. My aim is: 550 reviews. Oh, and to give out teasers.**


	44. Chapter 43

**A/N****: Chapter 43!**

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. I have a lot of love for you guys right now. If I had lots of money, I'd buy you all the Eclipse DVD, but alas, I am a poor student, and it isn't possible.**

**Talking of Eclipse DVDs, it's OUT SOON! *bounces* Hello Jasper scenes! It doesn't break the TV if you lick the screen, right? Hmm…**

**Disclaimer****: Jasper: **Paula's my girlfriend.** Me: ***dances* FUCKYES!** *wakes up from the dream and starts to cry* It was just a dream; just like Stephenie Meyer was dreaming when she thought of Twilight.**

* * *

**Chapter 43 - Sleepover**

**22****nd**** August 2009**

**Alice POV**

Cynthia squealed as I flicked some flour at her. She had been so busy concentrating on pouring it into the measuring bowl that I couldn't resist. She was about to complain that I'd made her pour too much, when my phone rang, signalling I had a message.

I cleaned my hands and grabbed my phone from the side. I scrolled through the message; it was from Bella.

_Hey Ali, just thought you should know that Jasper was upset and angry when he left work. It was something about his dad coming to see him. Hope he's alright._

I read over the message once more before opening a new message and replying. It surprised me that she was texting me about Jasper, and so I knew it must have been something serious.

_Thanks for telling me. I'll go see if he's okay._

With that I shoved my phone into my pocket and turned back to Cynthia with an apologetic look on my face.

"Cyn, I know we said we'd bake these cakes together, but I really have to go somewhere," I said hoping she would understand what I was getting at.

"Just go," she said whilst rolling her eyes at the same time. "You end up eating all the cake mixture anyway."

I smiled briefly as I kissed her on the cheek and jogged from the room, putting on a pair of gym shoes. I shouted up the stairs to Mom, telling her I was going out, before making my way down the steps and on my way to Jasper's.

I didn't know much about Jasper's father; all I knew was that he left them when Jasper was around fourteen or fifteen. But why the hell was he coming to see him at the store? Jasper never mentioned anything about his dad coming back, or getting in touch, for that matter.

I picked up my pace until I got to Jasper's house. I jogged up the steps and rapped on the door. The door swung open a few seconds later and as I took in the person standing in front of me, the breath whooshed out of my body.

He was tall, maybe taller than Jasper; his hair was the same shade of honey blond, even the styling was similar. His features were so familiar it was uncanny, apart from the hair style; Jasper was the spitting image of his father.

But that wasn't what got to me, it was the fact that I'd seen this man before, I knew as soon as I saw him. But where?

"Can I help you?" he asked in a deep Texan accent, I had known already that he was Jasper's father, but the accent just verified it.

"Is Jasper in?" I asked, my voice an embarrassing squeaky noise. For some reason, being in his presence made my nervous.

He shook his head slowly. "He took off earlier; he isn't answerin' his phone either," I could hear the resentment in his tone, even though I could tell he was trying to hide it.

"Oh," I replied, and that was it, I smiled at him quickly then turned around, knowing I probably seemed quite standoffish. I waited for the door to shut behind me before I reached for my phone and dialled Jasper's number. He might not answer their calls, but he would sure as hell answer mine.

I was right, of course. He answered after the second ring. "Alice?"

I almost stopped as I heard his voice, he sounded… broken.

"Where are you?" I demanded. It sent a cold chill into the pit of my stomach to hear him sound like that.

"Olympic Park."

I told him I'd be there in a minute and then started running. It wasn't far to the park; I'd be there in five minutes max. I skidded to a stop when I got the park entrance; I looked around as I caught my breath.

It didn't take long for me to find him; the place was practically empty, apart from a man walking his dog. I jogged over to him, noticing that his head was in his hands; I doubted he knew I had arrived.

"Jasper?"I called out. His head shot up then, and I gasped as I saw his eyes – he'd been crying. I took the last few steps towards him and sat down, wrapping my arm through his and resting my head on his shoulder, just knowing he needed someone close to him – someone to hold him.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

He made a noise that sounded like a sigh. "What have you heard?"

"I went to your house and your dad answered,"I replied, watching as he bowed his head, scrunching his eyes shut.

"Mom just let him back in after everything that happened. Apparently they still love each other,"he said in an appalled, disgusted tone.

He shook his head slowly. "I completely lost it, Alice. I was so close to hitting him, and if I had of done, I don't think I would have been able to stop."

It was silent then as he took hold of my hand and gripped it tightly. I could almost feel the pain emanating out of him in waves.

"They want to give their marriage another go," he said, finally breaking the silence.

"And what do you want?"

"I honestly don't know,"he said in a deflated tone, and then we both went silent again.

He sighed and turned to face me. "We were a happy family, my dad was a business advisor, and the company he worked for funded a small restaurant. He was literally in charge of the business's actions, so if something went wrong, he'd be the one in the shit.

"But the restaurant was popular for a couple of years, it brought in good money. Then one year, some restaurant critics came to eat there, the owners were going through some crap at home and they brought it to work with them.

"The restaurant got a really bad review, and things started going downhill from there onwards. Money was going into the restaurant, but not very much was coming out."

He stopped talking then and rubbed his eyes before turning back to me. "My dad started getting shit at work about the restaurant, saying that too much money was funnelling into the company. So he started drinking. Mom was seven months pregnant with Emily at the time, she was on maternity leave, and so she wasn't bringing in any money either.

"The restaurant carried on for another five months or so but then it got closed down, and Dad didn't even bother to turn up to work again. So they sacked him on the spot."

His expression changed and suddenly he looked angry. "The bastard walked out on us when Emily was eleven months, he suddenly just disappeared. We thought he'd been killed. Then we got word from his parents that he'd left us; they were furious with him. They tried helping us out, but we weren't their responsibility, you know? And Mom hated to rely on them. We managed for almost four years, before the bills and payments got too much. That's when Mom told us we were leaving."

He stopped then, and sighed. "There was no logic in why she told us we were moving states. We could have moved to a smaller house in Texas, but no, she wanted to get out of Texas altogether. I think she wanted to get us all away from the memories. I was a mess, and after Maria died, and I stopped talking to my best friends, I think she assumed there was nothing keeping us there anymore."

He leant back against the bench and looked out across the deserted park, before finally turning back to me with a defeated look in his eye.

"When I think about it, I don't believe it was just because of the restaurant failing. I was fourteen at the time, I was naïve, I didn't see things, or I just chose to ignore them."

He closed his eyes in defeat. "Maybe we weren't the happy family I thought we were,"he said, his voice barely a whisper. He sounded so helpless and confused, I wanted to say something, _anything _to take away that sadness, but there just weren't any words that fit.

I shuffled closer to him and rested my head against his shoulder once again. Neither of us said a word; instead, he just draped his arm around me and held me close to him. It was times like these where we just sat together and I would find myself noticing how this didn't feel wrong – it felt right. _Perfect_.

We sat like that in comfortable silence for a moment longer, and even though he was idly drawing circles along my arm with his fingers, I knew something was bugging him. Something more than what was going on with his father.

"Jasper," I began, sitting up slightly so that I could face him. "What's on your mind?"

"Emily," he said, sighing.

My face puckered. "Oh my God, I totally forgot about her! How is she coping with this?"

"She doesn't know, she had a sleepover at Nessie Cullen's house. She's still there now,"he replied. "What the hell am I going to tell her, Alice? I don't want her to witness this shit."

"She has to know the truth,"I told him, he nodded slowly in agreement.

He sighed. "I know. But… fuck, I try to shield her from everything. I try to make it so that I take it all - that _I _go through it and she doesn't. She's six, for Christ's sake. She should be worried about colouring outside the fucking lines, not about her mom getting ill, or people walking out on her."

"You can't be expected to take it all," I whispered, rubbing my hand along his arm soothingly. "You do your best, Jas, but you can't always help what she witnesses. It's going to get too much for you if you keep taking it on yourself."

He didn't answer, and when he finally spoke, he didn't respond to what I'd just said. I could tell he didn't agree with me; he was still going to do as he always did – deal with it on his own.

"I don't know what the hell I'm going to do later. I didn't exactly leave things in a good way. The next time I'll see them both I'll have Emily with me, I don't want to argue in front of her."

"Don't go home tonight then," I told him. He looked at me, puzzled. "Stay at my house, and then you can both go home tomorrow. It will give you time to think about what you want to tell her."

He frowned. "What about your parents? Will they be alright with us both staying the night?"

I shrugged. "I'll call Mom now and ask."

I got up from the seat and went for a walk. I didn't really understand why people always walked away when they were on the phone. Maybe it was like folklore or some shit like that.

"Hello."

"Hey, Mom, it's Alice,"I said, trying to keep my voice innocent and light. But it must be some kind of mother intuition because she caught me out straight away. Maybe mothers had special pre-birthing classes that taught you how to detect when your child is after something. Because my mom sure didn't miss a thing.

"What are you after?" she demanded in a mock severe voice.

"You know how I hardly have people staying over," I hedged.

I could almost hear her eyes slitting in suspicion. "Go on."

"Well, Jasper is having some stuff going on at home, and, well, I offered that he could stay over ours tonight." For some reason I was rushing over my words, I was sure it sounded like a garbled mess.

"Oh, did you now," she replied after a moment, and then she sighed. "I'm sure I can find a spare pillow and sleeping bag for him. I hope he doesn't mind sleeping on the floor."

I bit my lip, I didn't want to push it but I had to mention the little matter of Emily staying over as well.

"There's one more thing," I told her in a small voice, when I received no reply I continued. "His little sister is going to be with him as well."

She huffed quietly and I swear I heard her shake her head. "I'm sure I can find a sleeping bag for her as well then, she can sleep in Cynthia's room."

I grinned in triumph. "Thank you, Mom. You're amazing."

She grumbled something unintelligible and we said our goodbyes. I quickly made my way back over to Jasper who hadn't taken his eyes from me since I'd walked away, he looked almost anxious for my return.

"What did she say?"he asked as soon as I was in speaking distance. I gave him quick thumbs up.

"Thank you for doing this,"he said once I sat down again, sounding relieved.

"It's nothing," I replied, shrugging.

He sighed and shook his head in disagreement. "I don't know what I'd do without you, Alice,"he murmured, staring at me intently. There was something in his tone that told me he wasn't just talking about here and now.

I met his intense gaze, suddenly finding myself unable to speak, unable to move, unable to look away in the intensity of it all.

He was the first to break our _moment_ as he turned and looked out across the park. I closed my eyes momentarily and released the breath I hadn't realised I was holding.

We sat in silence for a moment longer, before he reached for his phone and stood up muttering something about telling his mom where they will be. I watched him walk off, he talked for a while, I couldn't hear him, but I could tell from his expression that he was having another argument.

I looked away from him, suddenly feeling as if I was intruding into his business, I didn't look back up at him until he came back over.

"Come on, we need to go pick up Emily soon,"he said. I could hear the subsiding anger in his tone.

It was silent as we walked, it was almost awkward in fact that was until Jasper sighed and murmured that he was sorry.

"Why are you apologising?"

"For not talking,"he said in a quiet voice, still sounding as if his mind was everywhere but in this conversation.

I rolled my eyes. "Don't be so absurd, Jas. You don't have to apologise for not talking. I don't need to hear your voice all the time, you know?" I teased, trying to cheer him up.

He smiled weakly; it was a start at least.

I'd never seen where Doctor Cullen and his family lived. All I knew was that it was going to be one of the larger houses in Forks. The house _was _large but it looked like any other house on the street. It kind of reminded me of Edward's house, in a way, he lived only one street away.

As we approached, I saw that there were no cars in the driveway, obviously Doctor Cullen wasn't in.

Jasper knocked on the door and Mrs Cullen answered. She smiled at us both and asked if we wanted to come in. She told us to go sit in the main room while she went to go find the girls. I could hear them upstairs; they didn't sound as if they were ready to say goodbye.

I looked about the room idly as we waited; there was a large family portrait of the three of them sitting together smiling brightly at the camera. I almost envied how perfect their life seemed.

Finally Emily came downstairs carrying a small rucksack on her back. Obviously it had her belongings in; at least she'd have things with her for tonight.

She said goodbye to Nessie and Mrs Cullen, Jasper thanked her for having Emily around and then finally we were on our way. Emily took Jasper's hand instantly and they walked together as Emily chatted animatedly about her time at the Cullens.

I held back behind them and watched them together; I couldn't help but smile to myself, they were so close. I could see it in the way that she looked up at him, she adored him.

Jasper glanced back at me, which broke me from my reverie, he had a faint smile on his lips; I could tell Emily's happy mood was rubbing off on him. He gestured with his head for me to catch up with them.

"Have you told her about staying over my house tonight?" I asked as soon as I caught up with them.

He shook his head then turned to look at Emily. "Ems, do you want to stay over Alice's house with me tonight?"

She looked up at me then back at Jasper. "Will Miss Brandon be there?" she finally asked in a hesitant voice.

"Yeah, she'll be there," he said whilst smirking at me. I sighed quietly, realising I really missed that smirk. Emily smiled enthusiastically as she exclaimed she would like to stay there.

"Seems like Emily is most excited because your mom is gonna be there," he murmured; then went on to laugh, which surprised me more.

I giggled with him. "Well, my mom is pretty awesome."

When we finally got to the house, Mom was in the kitchen cleaning up. They had obviously already eaten dinner. I could see the cakes sitting on a cooling tray on the side; clearly Cynthia hadn't iced them yet.

After greeting Mom, I told Jasper to go take Emily's bag up to my room while I went to find Cynthia, who was watching some reality show on TV.

"Listen, Cyn, I want you to keep Emily company, okay? Ask her if she wants to help you ice the cakes or something,"I whispered so that only she would hear.

Then after a thought. "You know she's staying in your room tonight, right?" I asked, hoping mom had told her what was happening.

"Yes, I know," she sighed, as if I was distracting her from the TV. "I've already made her a bed in my room."

I leant over and hugged her briefly before hopping up from the chair. As I got outside the room, Jasper – with Emily following behind – was just coming down the stairs. We sent Emily in to watch TV with Cynthia while I pulled Jasper with me into the kitchen, I was fucking starving and I could bet Jasper was as well.

"Mom, is there anything we can eat?"I asked as I took a drink from the fridge, she shook her head at me in mock irritation.

"There's take-out leaflets by the cupboard," she said as she poured herself a glass of wine. "You know where the phone is."

I looked over at Jasper. "Chinese?"we said in unison, I smiled and went to make our order. Chinese was still our thing.

Once the food arrived we decided to take the food and a couple of bottles of beer, which I'd sneakily taken from the fridge, outside as it was a clear night. We were silent for a while as we ate, conversation only picked up when we were almost finished.

"You excited for our sleepover?" I asked in a rather girly voice.

Jasper stared at me, his expression deadpan. "Our sisters are having a sleepover. I on the other hand am merely crashing at your house."

Then as an afterthought, he added, "You know I hate the word sleepover. It's such a girly phrase."

I pouted in mock offence. "I am a girl, _remember_?"

"Could have fooled me," he replied then laughed as he saw my expression.

I huffed and crossed my hands in front of me. "You're so sleeping in Cynthia's room now. I'll have Emily in with me."

His expression dropped. "I'm only joking, Alice, you know that, right?"he said, giving me this innocent puppy dog look that I'd never seen before.

I shook my head, knowing it would have been impossible to not give him what he wanted after seeing that look in his eye. "Come on, you, we've got a _sleepover_ to get underway."

He glared at me, but said nothing more as he stood up and followed me inside. _This could be interesting, _I thought to myself, before glancing back at him over my shoulder. When I saw the corner of his mouth turn upwards, I knew that somehow, I'd made him happier. You'd never guess what was going on inside.

* * *

**A/N****: This one wasn't so bad, right? The ending was kind of…flirty. Jasper's sexy.**

**If you were wondering why he seemed to cheer up, and act as if nothing was wrong near the end of the chapter, that was to show the difference Alice makes.**

**Please review! You know you'll get a teaser if you do. My aim is to reach 567.**

**PS. Jasper takes a shower in the next chapter.**

***dies***


	45. Chapter 44

**A/N****: Chapter 44!**

**You know what? I love you all. ****Sorry to disappoint those of you who wanted to see the sleepover, you just get to see the morning after.**

**I told you in the previous chapter note that Jasper takes a shower, and nearly all of you mentioned it in the review. This influences a lot of the things I say here. Consider that as a warning.**

**Disclaimer****: Jasper owns his body; I own the water running down it. *perv* Wish I was the water…just sayin'.**

**I won't say Stephenie Meyer owns Jasper's body because come on, let's face it; she owns Edward, Carlisle, Emmett, the dog and every other Twilight character. So Jasper owns his body.**

***licks Jasper's body***

_**OH MY GOD. SOMEONE STOP ME BEFORE I EMBARRASS MYSELF.**_

***slaps self then runs away***

* * *

**Chapter 44 - I Didn't Do it For You**

**23****rd**** August 2009**

**Jasper POV**

I groaned in discomfort as I felt something push against my chest. There was then a soft thump, followed by a lot of cussing. I opened my eyes and looked around to see Alice lying flat against the floor; one of her legs still across my chest. Obviously that had been the foot she used to stand on me.

She sat up slowly and turned to face me with a sheepish expression on her face. She grimaced then quickly pulled her leg off of me.

"Oh my God, I'm sorry. I kind of forgot you were there," she said in an apologetic tone. "I didn't hurt you, did I?"

I chuckled softly, and then sat up. "Hurt me? Alice, you weigh like ten pounds."

"You're understating that _just_ a bit," she said with a shake of her head. "But you're sure you're okay?"

I pretended to check everything was in place with my hands, and then gave her thumbs up.

She wore an expression that said she didn't think it was funny. "Why were you so close to the bed, anyway?"

I looked around, knowing that when I'd first gone to sleep, I'd been at least a metre away from the bed, now I was very nearly under it.

"I guess I move around a lot in my sleep," I replied, shrugging my shoulders. She pondered that thought for a moment before getting up, saying she was going to brush her teeth.

As she disappeared out the door, I looked over at the clock, and saw that it was just after ten in the morning. I quickly shuffled out of the sleeping bag and changed into my clothes from yesterday. When Alice returned, she signalled for me to follow her downstairs.

Emily and Cynthia were already downstairs sitting round the table. Emily smiled at me as I walked in, and then went back to talking with Jackie. I could tell from the way that she looked at her that she adored her teacher.

Now that we were all downstairs, Jackie made us both some breakfast, which we ate slowly. After the breakfast was cleared, Alice and Emily and I sat down to watch a movie. It took up most of the morning, and led us into the afternoon.

But once the movie was over, I knew that there wasn't much more I could do to put off the inevitable. I knew I had to have that talk with Emily about our_ father_ coming back. I just didn't know how to word it. So it was easier for me to put it off just that little bit longer.

"It's all going to work out," Alice began as we watched Jackie and Emily colouring in at the kitchen table.

I glanced at her. "You think?"

She nodded and didn't say anything more for a long moment. "What do you think you'll say to her?"

"I really don't know." I sighed. "All I know is that I have to lie to her. I can't tell her that her father walked out on us when she was a baby."

"He's your father, too," she whispered, almost as if she wasn't sure whether to say it or not.

"Not anymore," I replied instantly. "Not after what he's done to my family."

She exhaled quietly. "Do you want me to be there when you talk to her?"

I shook my head. "Thanks, but no. I think its best if I do it on my own."

"Okay, well you know I'm here if you need something. Or even somewhere to stay, I'm sure I can twist Mom's arm into letting you stay again," she replied. I couldn't prevent the corners of my mouth turning up into a smile at her words.

"Thanks, Alice." I slung my arm around her as I finished.

"The least I can do," she murmured as she rested her head against my shoulder.

We sat there in silence for a long time, just watching Emily and Jackie. But the moment of silence was broken when my phone started vibrating in my pocket. I shifted over in the seat so that I could pull it out. I knew exactly who it was.

_You can't keep Emily from her father forever, please bring her home, Jasper. This meeting cannot and will not be prevented._

I gripped the phone a little too tightly as I read the message over a second time. In that moment, I hated my mom. I hated that she was siding with him; I hated that I thought she was one of the people who hated him more than I did, and it made it seem as if she didn't care about how Emily would react to this. She just wanted her to meet _him_.

"What's wrong?" Alice asked, sensing the change in my mood.

"Here," I said, holding the phone to her. "Read this."

She took the phone and read over the message. She glanced at me as she handed the phone back. I could tell, by the look on her face that she knew I'd do anything to keep Emily away from him right now.

"As much as I hate to agree with her, she's right," I muttered. "I can't keep Emily away from him forever."

"Are you going do this now?"

I sighed and nodded. "I think I have to."

I stood up then and went to get my things ready whilst Alice told her mom that Emily and I were going. I was just picking up my things from Alice's room when I heard someone walk in. I was expecting it to be Alice, but it was Emily.

"Hey, sweetie, you ready to go?" I asked as I walked towards her with my things. She shook her head at me then left the room. I followed her towards the room next door to Alice that I assumed was Cynthia's.

I knocked on the door lightly and Cynthia called out for us to come in. She smiled at us both when I opened the door.

"Emily just needs to get her things together," I told her as Emily stepped in and went straight for her bag that was propped up against the table. We left the room moments later and were back downstairs soon enough.

"Thanks for everything you've done," I said to both Jackie and Alice when Emily and I stepped into the kitchen.

"Don't mention it," Jackie said with a warm smile. "It was nice to see you both again."

I smiled at her words even though I knew she was directing them more at Emily, as she saw me pretty much every week. We both said our goodbyes to Jackie and Alice then left.

I took hold of Emily's hand and walked her towards home. We'd only been walking about two minutes when Emily started tugging on my sleeve.

"What's the matter, Jasper?"

I sighed because she knew there was something wrong with me, as usual. I led her towards the park where Alice and I had been talking yesterday. I sat her down on one of the benches and turned to look at her.

"Emily, there is something I need to talk to you about," I began, not knowing how I was going to carry on.

"What's wrong, Jasper? Is Mommy okay?" she asked worriedly. My heart broke just a little bit as I saw the scared expression on her face. Whenever something like this happened, she always assumed something happened to Mom. I was certain she was going to assume something was wrong for a long time, especially after what she saw last month.

"Mommy's okay, sweetie, it's just that…" I paused as I prepared myself to tell her. "It's not just going to be you, me and Mommy anymore. Our daddy-" the word came out through gritted teeth "-is going to be here, too."

Her brow furrowed as she tried to understand what I had just said. I silently cursed him for what he was putting Emily through. She would never understand this, not at her age.

"Our daddy?" she whispered. "But Mommy said we didn't have a daddy."

I sighed and looked away from her momentarily. Of all the things she remembered, it had to be that.

"Everyone has a daddy, sweetie, its just Mommy was angry with him because he had to leave us and go work far away."

_Lies, all lies._

"But he is back now." _Unfortunately_.

I tried to keep the anger out of my voice. I wasn't sure whether I'd completely managed it.

She didn't seem to like the idea, and my heart physically hurt for putting her through this. "Will he stay with us?"

I closed my eyes as I heard her question. She sounded so unsure of this situation, and I wished I didn't have to involve her in this.

"I really don't know, sweetie," I murmured. How did I know that he wouldn't leave us again?

She nodded at me slowly and I knew that this conversation was over, for now at least. We both stood up and I took hold of her hand once again. She was completely silent as we walked. I couldn't even imagine how hard it must be for her to know that she was about to meet a complete stranger that she was supposed to call _dad_.

I seemed to slow our walk down as we neared our street. I really didn't want to go in there. But there was no point in putting this off any longer. I took a deep breath and walked through the gate and towards the front door.

I exhaled and made sure that Emily was behind me as I stepped inside. It was quiet, but I knew he was around here somewhere. As soon as I closed the door behind us, I saw him walk into the hallway. I noticed Mom standing in the doorway of the kitchen. She was obviously keeping her distance, but watching in case something happened.

His eyes landed on Emily straight away, and as he stared at her, he looked almost as if he was in pain. I felt Emily latch onto my leg and move further behind me as he continued to stare at her.

"Do you know who I am, Emily?" he asked in a soft voice. I immediately didn't like the way he was talking to her, and I didn't really understand why. His face softened slightly, I could only assume that she had just nodded.

"I told her who you were," I said in a cold voice as I glared at him. The expression on his face told me that he caught the emphasise I made on the word _were_.

"Jasper said you had to go far away to work, but you are back now," Emily whispered in a cautious voice.

He nodded at her before glancing at me briefly. I could see the gratitude shining in his eyes. But I wasn't having any of it, so I deliberately diverted my gaze. A second later he took a step towards us, obviously trying to get to Emily.

But when I felt her hand grip mine tighter, I knew it wasn't a good idea. I held my hand out in front of us, stopping him. I didn't have to look at Emily to know that she was scared.

"I'm her father," he argued. I shook my head as a disgusted sneer formed on my face, marring my features.

"Right now you're just a stranger who tells her to call him dad," I spat. "You have to _earn_ her trust. You have to _earn_ the right to call yourself her father."

"Are you going to let me earn her trust?" he shot back, challenging me. I met his eye for a long moment, not answering his question. I wasn't going to answer him either, as I hadn't decided what my response was yet.

"She's had a long day. I should be getting her ready for bed soon," I stated as I took a step towards the stairs.

"I'll do that," Mom murmured. But I shook my head, not looking in her direction.

"I can manage," I snapped before sending Emily upstairs. She glanced back at each of us before scrambling up the stairs and out of sight. I was about to follow after her when I felt _his _hand on my arm. I pulled away from his grip straight away; I didn't like him touching me.

"Thank you for telling her I was working," he murmured, not sounding deterred by my behaviour towards him.

"I didn't do it for you," I responded, very nearly spitting the words. I didn't want his gratitude; I hadn't lied to save his skin. I'd lied so that Emily didn't have to know the truth behind why our father was such a failure.

I didn't give him time to reply to my comment as I quickly made my way upstairs. I found Emily sitting in the middle of her bed. She had her teddy bears sitting beside her ready, just like every night.

"Are you going to get dressed into your pyjamas?" I asked her as I stepped in. She smiled at me before clambering over the bed and pulling her pyjamas out.

"Cover your eyes," she exclaimed as I sat down on the bed with her.

"Oh, so you're going to be a big girl tonight, are you?" I asked, grinning, momentarily forgetting about anything outside the bedroom. Usually she needed some help with the buttons on her pyjama top. When she didn't answer I covered my eyes and turned away from her.

I waited patiently while she shuffled around next to me, changing into her pyjamas. I didn't look until she told me to.

"Well aren't you a good girl," I murmured as I saw that she had folded the clothes she had been wearing today as well.

She smiled widely at me before turning around and reaching for her hairbrush. She always loved it when people brushed her hair. I didn't understand why, it must have been a girl thing.

"Go brush your teeth," I told her as I finished brushing her hair into perfection. "And no swallowing the toothpaste either."

Two minutes later she ran back into the room. "Let's see if you've done a good enough job."

She gave me a massive cheesy smile, and I couldn't help but laugh at her expression. We'd done this so many times before, yet it still made me laugh.

"Very nice," I said, chuckling. I pulled her covers back and patted her bed with my hand, signalling for her to get into bed.

"Can you read to me, Jasper?" she asked, already knowing the answer. I smiled and helped her up into bed before sitting down next to her. I reached for the _Alice in Wonderland_ book next to her bed, where it always was.

I only read two chapters before she started yawning and rubbing her eyes. I closed the book and placed it back on the table. I let her snuggle down in her bed cover before tucking it up around her.

"Goodnight, sweetie," I murmured as I leant down and kissed her forehead. "I love you."

"I love you, too, Jasper," she whispered before closing her eyes and hugging her teddy tightly to her body.

I closed the door behind me and exhaled silently before going downstairs. I wasn't sure if he was still going to be around, and I was hoping that he would be gone by now. But like always, I didn't get what I wanted.

"What is he still doing here?" I demanded, without looking in his direction. I didn't want to even look at his face.

"He's staying here tonight," Mom answered cautiously.

I gritted my teeth. "Like hell he is."

"Jasper," he began in a pleading tone. But I cut him off with a glare.

"Fuck you," I spat. "I don't care that it's getting late. You should have thought about that before."

"Don't be like this," Mom said in a quiet, pleading voice.

"No, Mom, I don't want him in this house and nor does Emily. He's a stranger to her," I replied instantly. "Its either he goes, or I do, and trust me, I'll take Emily with me."

Mom sighed and hung her head. "Jon," she began, defeated. "I think it's best if you just go tonight. I don't want Jasper doing anything drastic."

He nodded and picked up his things from the floor. I moved out of the way when he stepped nearer to me. I didn't want him closer to me than necessary. I could tell he wanted to say something more, but he didn't bother as he turned away and walked out of the front door.

I barely even waited for him to be fully outside before I shut the door behind him. I heard Mom sigh again but I didn't look in her direction as I made my way towards the stairs without another word.

"Jasper."

"Don't talk to me," I told her, still not looking at her. I didn't want to talk to her right now because if I did, then I would start a fight. Especially considering my current state of mind, it really wasn't a sensible thing to do.

I went straight into the bathroom and turned the shower on. I really needed something to relieve the stress flowing through my body. I stripped off my clothes and threw them into a heap on the floor before stepping underneath the hot torrent of water.

I tilted my head upwards so the hot water could cascade down the front of my body. I could feel the knots of stress and tension easing up until I was completely relaxed. It was easy to forget about everything as I drowned every sound out. All I could hear was the water travelling down my body, and it was heaven.

But I could only stand there for so long before I had to step out. There was no point in using up all the hot water, regardless of how good it felt. I wrapped a large towel around my waist, letting the water droplets run down my torso, and used another to quickly dry my hair.

I listened outside the door but I couldn't hear anyone outside and so I stepped out and made my way to my bedroom. I pulled on a pair of sweat pants to wear in bed, not bothering with a t-shirt, before reaching for my phone. It was then that I realised I had a message from Alice. I opened it immediately.

_Hey Jas, I hope everything is alright. If you need to talk then just call me._

I sat down on the bed, making myself comfortable before calling her back straight away.

"Hello."

"Hey, Alice."

"How did it go earlier?"

I sighed. "About as well as a six year old girl meeting her father for the first time could go."

"How's Emily handling things?"

"I don't know," I admitted. "She was very quiet tonight. But she seemed fine when it was just the two of us afterwards. I don't know how she is going to cope with all of this."

"I wish there was something I could do to help," she said in a sincere voice. I smiled weakly before closing my eyes and rested my head against the pillow. I was exhausted.

"You're helping me now, Alice," I murmured before yawning.

She sighed. "Well I don't feel like I'm helping."

I chuckled at the sound of her voice. She sounded so stubborn. "Okay, how about you take me and Emily to Port Angeles tomorrow? We can go see a movie or something."

"Sounds good," she replied. I smiled slowly and made a muffled noise in response. I could feel the fatigue seeping into my body, and without warning the exhaustion took me over completely. I thought I had ended the call, but I wasn't sure. And I was too tired to do anything about it.

* * *

My eyes opened when I felt someone shaking my arm. I blinked a couple of times before turning to see who it was, though a part of me knew it was Emily already. I sat up as soon as I saw her.

"What's up, sweetie?" I asked in a quiet voice. I looked down at the phone in my hand. I obviously hadn't ended the call last night, and I just hoped Alice wasn't annoyed that I had fallen asleep.

"I can't sleep," she mumbled, almost as if she was embarrassed.

I smiled and pulled back the covers, knowing exactly what she wanted. She smiled triumphantly as she clambered into the bed and lay down. Before laying down myself, I grabbed a t-shirt from the side and pulled it on. I then kissed her on the forehead and lay down next to her.

It wasn't long before she was fast asleep. It was always the same with her. Whenever she couldn't sleep, all it would take was someone to be beside her and she'd be fine. I found comfort in the fact I was one of those people.

"I'll always be here for you, Emily," I whispered so quietly that it wouldn't wake her. "No matter what happens, I'll always be here for you. You can rely on me."

I tucked the covers up around her and watched as she slowly breathed in and out. I closed my eyes then and took the image of her sleeping peacefully with me into a deep slumber.

* * *

**A/N****: Big Brothersper. Is there anything better? *coughs* Showersper. Wouldn't you want to be that towel? Or you could just lick him dry…**

***coughs again***

**I'M SORRY. It's not my fault I'm a perv. Oh, God, I just had a thought about Jackson Rathbone in the shower. *cries* **_**CARLA**_**! HELP ME.**

**I swear I won't write another shower scene. Knowing me, the whole chapter would just be Jasper washing himself! *bites fingers to stop talking about this topic more***

**So… what do you think of Jasper's dad, huh? *has great subject changing skills***

**Please review? Even if it is just to laugh at me. My aim: 586 reviews**


	46. Chapter 45

**A/N****: Chapter 45!**

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed and added this story to their favourite list. I know I've said this a lot, but I'm so grateful that you take the time to read my story.**

**Disclaimer****: Stephenie Meyer is so up in the air about creating Edward and Jacob that I honestly don't think she'd notice if I stole Jasper for a while…and never brought him back. She wouldn't notice, right?**

…

**I'm glad you agree :P**

* * *

**Chapter 45 - Fears, Truths and Realisations**

**23****rd**** August 2009**

**Alice POV**

Jasper had fallen asleep a while ago now, but I just couldn't seem to cut the call. Instead, I listened to the soft rise and fall of his breathing. I closed my eyes and our breathing fell into sync. Even though we were far apart, in that moment, I didn't feel alone.

I could feel the sleep taking over my whole system, and I knew that I would have to cut the call soon. But for some reason, I felt the need to say something, even though he wouldn't hear me.

"You were always there for me, Jasper, through everything. But now it's my turn to be there for you. Goodnight."

I ended the call, but kept the phone in my hand because somehow, I just couldn't bring myself to let it go.

As my eyes drooped closed, and sleep overcame my mind, I drifted into a dreamless slumber for the first time in months.

* * *

**24****th**** August 2009**

Jasper and Emily were waiting for me when I pulled up outside their house the next morning.

"Hello, Alice," Emily chirped as she got into the backseat. Jasper flashed me a smile as he sat in the front with me.

"Hey, you two," I murmured before turning out of the street and starting in the direction of Port Angeles.

"Thanks for doing this," Jasper said to me after a moment of silence. "I really needed to get out of the house – out of _Forks_ - today."

"It's alright," I replied as I glanced at him briefly. "I told you I wanted to help."

He smiled and began to say something more, but as he did, the music changed on the radio. Everything else was drowned out as the opening notes to a familiar song started playing.

_Live your life to the full, with a lifetime of smiles._

The heat drained from my face instantly. It felt as if my whole body had been drenched in a vat of ice cold water. I felt my grip tighten around the steering wheel until it was painful.

I could hear someone calling my name, shouting it. But it was so far away, so distant. It was as if I was under water.

I wasn't in the car anymore.

* * *

**Jasper POV**

I knew the moment she didn't answer my question that something was wrong. I turned to look at her just as the car started slowing down. The anxiety clawed its way through my body as I took in her rigid form, and the way her hands gripped the steering wheel, turning her knuckles white.

"Alice," I called cautiously as I leaned towards her. She didn't respond, not even when I reached out and touched her arm. My heart started beating faster as I shifted over, put the car into neutral and turned off the ignition, then perched on the edge of her chair so that I was in front of her. Luckily we were on a quiet road, or else it could have caused a serious accident.

I shuddered, trying not to think about it.

"Come on, Alice, what's going on?" I said frantically as my frenzied gaze met her emotionless one. "Please, Alice, come back to me."

"What's happened, Jasper? What's wrong with her?" Emily asked in a worried voice as she sat forward in her chair.

"I don't know, Emily. I don't know what's happening to her."

My breathing started getting faster as I uncurled her fingers from the steering wheel. They fell to her side once I'd freed them. I turned back and stared into her eyes. They were unfocused, as if she was staring into space, yet concentrating on something I couldn't see at the same time. But that wasn't what made the blood run cold in my veins. It was the fact that there was no life in her eyes; it was as if she wasn't here with us now.

I cupped her face with her hands, running my thumbs over her cheeks and through her hair as I whispered for her to come back to me over and over again. Emily unbuckled her seatbelt and climbed into the front with me so that she could see Alice. She then started to call Alice's name repeatedly in a terrified voice. She didn't know what was going on, and for once, nor did I.

I knew the exact moment she finally came back to us. She exhaled quickly as if she had been holding her breath for a long time, and as her eyes came back into focus, they landed on me straight away.

"What just happened, Alice?" I asked as I stared at her cautiously. Her scared eyes slowly filled with tears and I watched as they spilled onto her cheek. I brushed them away with my finger and waited.

"I… I don't know," she gasped. I could hear the tremor in her voice as more tears fell from her eyes. "How long was I…?"

"Nearly five minutes," I whispered. I watched as the shock flitted across her face before it was replaced with panic once again. I reached forward then and wrapped my arms around her. She welcomed the embrace immediately, and held onto me tightly.

I felt Emily put her arm around me and then I saw her rest her other hand on Alice's shoulder, comforting her as well. I smiled at her weakly, kissed her on her forehead and together, we remained like that for a long while.

When Alice pulled away, she wiped at her eyes before straightening herself out in the chair, as if she was getting ready to start driving again.

"We should swap seats," I said, watching her closely for her reaction. When she looked at me, she wore an expression that said she really didn't like what I had just said.

"I can drive," she said, trying to sound defiant.

"I'm sure you can," I agreed. "But while Emily is in the car with us, I'd feel better if I drove the rest of the way."

She eyed me for a long while before glancing at Emily and nodding. "Okay, but I'm driving on the way back."

"That's fine with me," I said as I helped Emily back into her seat. I then sat back in my own as I watched Alice get out. After swapping and getting ourselves comfortable, I began driving the rest of the way to Port Angeles.

I snuck a couple of glances at Alice every now and again as I drove. I could tell she was deep in thought as she stared out the window. When we parked, we got out and after taking Emily's hand, I turned to Alice, watching her worriedly, wondering if things were okay between us.

* * *

**Alice POV**

I knew that Jasper meant well by making me swap seats with him, but I still couldn't help but feel slightly annoyed. He didn't want me driving with Emily in the car, and hell, I could understand that completely. But it wasn't as if whatever had just happened was going to happen again.

It had been the song that triggered it. I hadn't heard it since _that _day, and it just brought back memories. The song wouldn't come back on again, Jasper should have known that.

But then it dawned on me, he wouldn't have known about that song affecting me because he didn't _know_ about that song at all. He didn't go to the funeral, so he never heard that song. He didn't know.

By the time the realisation hit, we had parked up in Port Angeles and Jasper was looking really damn worried. I grimaced as I went to walk next to him and Emily, but before I could say anything to him, I felt a hand slip into mine. Then as I looked down, I was surprised to find Emily looking up at me with her large, innocent eyes that said _I'm here for you, too_.

My gaze moved upwards and I found that Jasper was looking at mine and Emily's joined hands, before slowly, his eyes turned up towards me. There was something there in his eyes, I was certain of it. But I just couldn't work out what it meant, and that worried me a little.

I couldn't tell whether he thought Emily holding my hand was a good thing or not. It was stupid to even wonder that, holding hands was nothing, yet there was something in the back of my mind that told me it was something more.

We both looked away a second later, and slowly we started towards the movie theatre. It was silent for a moment when suddenly Emily started humming a tune. I didn't recognise it at first but as she started singing, I started to feel a little better.

"Twinkle, twinkle little bat, how I wonder what you're at."

Not thinking about what I was doing, I beat her to the second line. "Up above the world you fly, like a tear tray in the sky."

She gasped and looked up at me, her eyes wide and surprised. "You know _Alice in Wonderland_!" she all but squealed.

"I _am _Alice in Wonderland," I stated in a very serious voice, then smiled when I saw her pouting expression.

"But, Alice has blonde hair," she said in a matter of fact voice.

I smiled at her softly, brushing her hair a little with my other hand. "You have blonde hair. You could be Alice."

She shook her head sadly. "But my name is Emily."

"Then we shall swap names for the day. You can become Alice Whitlock, how does that sound?"

When I realised what I'd said, my eyes widened.

_Alice Whitlock._

I heard her cry of agreement and she began to repeat the song we'd sung a minute ago.

It was as if I could feel his gaze on me; it was that feeling that made me turn to look at him. When our eyes met, I smiled at him weakly - something he returned, but what confused me was the look that he gave me afterwards. It was like the one earlier, and I didn't understand it.

Yet I was unable to look away from his burning gaze. I was transfixed with the 'moment' we were sharing. It was only when Emily pulled on my hand that we were drawn from our reverie. As I looked away, I exhaled quickly. I hadn't noticed we'd stopped walking.

"Come on," he said, breaking the silence. "We should get going."

I nodded, finding myself unable to answer him verbally.

It was relatively quiet as we walked towards the cinema. Emily continued to hum to herself, but I didn't join in with her anymore, as I was still feeling confused over the look that Jasper had given me when I'd sung with her. Later, if I got the chance, I would have to ask him about it, or more likely, if I had enough courage to broach the topic in the first place.

When we got to the cinema, it was surprisingly busy for a Monday afternoon, and it took us longer to buy the tickets than it should have done. We picked an animation film, just for Emily. Soon enough, we were seated in the screen room with Emily sitting between us.

As soon as the film started, I honestly tried to concentrate on what was happening, but it was merely a bunch of colourful images flashing across the screen, nothing more.

Roughly halfway through, I sensed that someone was looking at me. No, not someone, I sensed that _Jasper_ was looking at me. There was a strange buzzing feeling beneath my skin, and I had the sudden urge to turn and look at him. When that urge grew stronger, I turned my head in his direction.

But as I did so, he turned away sharply, just like you would when you didn't want someone to know you were looking at them, just not quite being fast enough to look away. I could have looked away again, but instead, I let my eyes travel over his face in the partial darkness.

From the moving pictures on the screen, the colours reflected off his face and reacted oddly against his pale skin. But they illuminated his features, and for the first time ever, it seemed, I studied his face.

From the side, I could see how his nose dipped ever so slightly downwards at the tip, and as it led down to the junction below his nose, I saw that his upper lip was curled upwards towards it, only slightly, but enough for me to see it now.

As if on instinct, I brushed my lips together as I stared at his bottom one. It was fuller than the top one, and it stuck out a fraction more. My eyes then travelled to his jaw line, and I saw that it wasn't as angular as say, Edward's was. Jasper's was more rounded.

But even as I noticed all the small 'imperfections', I realised that added together, they were what made Jasper, and I wouldn't want to change any of it. A movement on his neck attracted my gaze, and I watched as his Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed, almost as if he was nervous about something.

Then all of a sudden, he was looking at me, and I was staring right back, not knowing how to look away. It struck me then just how handsome Jasper really was. I'd known that already, of course, but right now, it was as if I was realising it for the first time.

A loud sound from the movie broke our gaze, and I looked back towards the screen, even though a part of me didn't want to. Then much like earlier, I felt a strange sensation beneath my skin, and even though I wanted to turn back to him, I remained facing forward, knowing that he still hadn't taken his eyes off me.

* * *

The film had finished a while ago, and we were walking around Port Angeles in near enough silence. Emily hadn't taken my hand this time, and instead, had only taken Jasper's. So now he was in the middle of us, and as we walked, I kept flexing my fingers, suddenly wishing someone would hold my hand again. But because I didn't say anything, so nobody did.

When a playground came into view, I heard Emily's cry of excitement as she begged Jasper to take her in. He looked at me first, as if to ask if it were okay, and I merely smiled and turned in the direction of the entrance.

As soon as we were inside, Emily ran off towards the climbing frames. There were two other children playing already, but I noticed that she played further away from them, and in that moment, I had the notion that Jasper would have been exactly the same.

"You want to sit over there?" he asked after a moment of checking to see that Emily was okay playing where she was. I looked around to where he had been signalling, and then nodded when I saw the row of empty benches.

Once we were seated, it went silent once again, and I knew that now was the time to ask him about earlier. But the silence stretched on as I tried to think about the right words to use.

"Just say it, Alice," Jasper murmured, sounding slightly amused.

I frowned. "What?" _Like I don't know what he means._

"Whatever it is you're thinking about, just say it," he said simply, his voice a stream of calmness.

"How do you know I had something to say?" I asked, curious, yet also hedging the real response he was after.

"Well, firstly you keep touching your neck, so that means you're nervous about something," he began, and I was taken aback at his words. I couldn't even remember touching my neck in the past couple of minutes. "Then your eyebrows are pulled together, so I know you're thinking about something that is confusing. Finally, you're biting your bottom lip, so you must be stopping yourself from blurting something out."

I went completely silence as he finished, and a part of me wanted to ask him how he knew all that about me, and as I bit my lip once again, I knew that what he had said was true.

"You're doing it again," he murmured, as he looked at my lips. "What is it, Alice? You know you can tell me anything."

That was true, I could tell him anything, and so this shouldn't have been so hard to talk about. I took a deep breath, and as I looked up into his curious eyes, I knew that I had to just spit it out.

"You know earlier, when Emily took my hand, you gave me this…_look_, and I didn't know what you meant by it," I said, looking down at my lap as I finished. When he didn't answer me straight away, I peered up at him, only to find that he wasn't looking at me anymore.

"It just took me by surprise," he finally said, and I knew that wasn't the full truth. It sure wasn't surprise that I saw in his eyes earlier, I would have recognised _surprise_ if that were the case.

He didn't say anything for a long time, but as he met my gaze again, he sighed, and sat back further onto the bench.

"Emily isn't the kind of person who trusts others easily, I guess she gets that from me," he said, now looking across the park at Emily. "I know she's been around you a lot, but she just doesn't go around taking people's hands – she's not like that. There are only a number of people she does that with, the majority of which are back in Texas."

"She used to take Maria's hand, didn't she?" I asked as the realisation dawned on me.

He gave me a long look, and for a brief moment, I thought I saw shock flicker in his eyes as I mentioned her name.

"The way Emily acts with you is the exact same way she acted with Maria," he finally replied in a distant, sad voice. "They even used to sing that song."

I gasped quietly, and turned away quickly, hoping that he didn't hear me, but I was certain that he had. No wonder he had looked at me the way he did. That situation must have reminded him of Maria.

"Is that a good thing…to you?" I asked in a small voice, because I sure as hell hoped it was, and I didn't really understand why. All I knew was that I didn't want him to say no; I didn't want him to say that it was a bad thing.

I turned slowly and peaked at him briefly; there was a look on his face that told me instantly there was something he wasn't saying.

"I hope so," he murmured softly, sounding as if he were deep in thought. It went silent once again, and I didn't fail to notice the look that was back in his eyes. It was the exact same one that he gave me before. It wasn't disappointment, nor was it regret. It was _indecipherable_, and it drove me crazy not knowing.

"I'm sorry about earlier in the car," I whispered to break the silence and steer away from the topic. He turned to look at me, but he didn't say anything, obviously sensing that I wanted to say something more to him.

"It was the song," I continued. "I hadn't heard it since…the funeral, and it made me remember."

He nodded and I knew that he understood what I meant.

"What happened?" he asked, staring at my intently.

"I don't know," I whispered once again. "I don't know what happened. I just zoned out after hearing the lyrics, and then it was as if I was back there. I could feel what I felt that day."

He didn't say anything, and instead, he just pursed his lips. I wanted to ask him if he'd ever experienced anything like that himself, but I didn't, knowing it wasn't the right time to ask.

"What was it like?" I asked instead, not letting my eyes leave his face.

"I asked you a question, but when you didn't answer I knew something was wrong," he told me, grimacing slightly. "You were gripping the steering wheel, and your eyes, they were just _empty_. I was…scared."

His brow pulled together as he admitted that. I knew Jasper, and he rarely said when he was scared. "I didn't know what to do, or how to bring you back to me."

At first I didn't say anything as I felt my eyes watering. I wasn't sure what it was about his last sentence that got to me; it just _did_.

"I'm sorry," I finally said, not knowing what else to say. I didn't want to think about it too much. I didn't understand what had happened, and that scared me more than the actual incident itself. How did I know it wouldn't happen again?

"Don't ever apologise for that," he said immediately, and as I felt his arm wrap around me. I sighed, closing my eyes and sinking into his embrace. No matter where I was, or what had happened, Jasper always seemed to make things better, and with his arm around me, I felt like I could get through just about anything.

* * *

Just as he said I would, I drove us home. After we started driving back through Forks, I glanced at Jasper and saw the tense expression on his face.

"Do you want to come home with me?" I asked, watching him as he smiled at me weakly.

"Trust me, Alice, I always want to come home with you," he said, and as his words sunk in, I knew that there was a deeper meaning behind them. But before I could say anything in response, he continued, as if trying to move away from what he'd just said.

"But as tempting as it sounds, I have to go home at some point," he said, sighing, and sounding like that was the last thing he wanted to do. But as it was his idea, I merely nodded, turning my attention back to the road.

When we pulled into his street, I saw him scanning the road, and then when he didn't find what he was looking for, he seemed to relax into his seat. When I stopped outside the house, neither of them moved, and as I looked at Jasper, I saw him looking up at the house cautiously.

"He's not here," he finally said, sounding relieved. Then as he went to open the door, he turned back to Emily. "Stay in the car with Alice until I come back out."

With that, he got out and walked towards the house, disappearing inside. It was silent inside the car before I turned around to look at Emily.

"You want to sit in the front with me?" I asked, smiling when she nodded and clambered into the front seat.

"Is he in there?" Emily asked quietly as she stared up at the house, much like Jasper had moments ago.

"I don't think so, but Jasper's gone inside to check," I told her, trying to choose the right words to use with her. She nodded, looking nervous. I frowned as I looked from the house to Emily again.

"It's going to be okay," I murmured, knowing that I couldn't promise her, but also knowing that it was what she needed to hear.

But what I wasn't expecting was to hear her whisper "Is it?" to me. However, before I could even think about my response, I saw the front door open and Jasper step out.

I scanned his expression, but saw no stress there, or at least nothing more than there normally was. When he got to the car, I rolled the window down as far as it would go.

"You can go inside, Emily," he said, giving her a quick smile that I knew he was putting on for her sake. She said goodbye to me before hopping out the car and going inside.

Jasper watched her until she went out of sight, before turning back to me and resting his hands on the doorframe. He looked tired, and I knew that it was because of what was happening with his family.

"I don't know what to do," he finally admitted with a sigh. "He's staying around this time, Alice. Mom says he's not leaving us again. I just _don't know what to do_."

I rested my hand over his. "I think you have to let him in, Jasper, and I think you have to trust him more when he's around Emily."

"I know," he said, looking down. "I know I have to let him back in, and there's a part of me that knows I can do that. But I'm just scared, Alice. What if I let him back into my life, into Emily's, and he still leaves, even after promising he wouldn't? I can't go through that again."

A grimace spread across my face as he finished. I didn't know what to say to him, and I felt absolutely useless. His fears ran deeper than just letting his father back into his life. He was scared about going through what he did four years ago – the abandonment - he wouldn't be able to cope with that now.

I knew even if Jasper said he hated him right now, he still wanted his father back. After all, every boy needed his father. But now that Emily was older, he didn't just have himself to worry about. If their father upped and left again, he would have to deal with her, and not only that, he would have to deal with his mother, too, and knowing that she had a problem with alcohol, I didn't want to think about what it could lead to if their father left them again.

"I wish I knew what to say to make this easier for you, Jasper," I murmured, rubbing my thumbs over the top of his hand soothingly. As I finished speaking, I looked at him directly, and saw that he was staring at our joined hands.

"You make it easier just by being here," he whispered, as he twisted his hand so that our hands were palm to palm, he then tangled our fingers together. I couldn't seem to break his eye contact, and his thumb trailed down my hand, to my wrist and back up again, wasn't making it any easier.

I swallowed heavily.

"I should go inside," he finally said, looking away and releasing a deep breath. As I pulled my hand back into the car, I couldn't help but feel the tingling on my skin where his fingers had just been.

"Will I see you tomorrow?" he asked, hopeful. I smiled, feeling a quick burst of happiness in my chest at his words. I then nodded, knowing he didn't need an answer from me, not really.

He pulled away then, and after giving me a quick nod, he turned away, and went back towards the house. I only drove away once he disappeared inside and shut the door behind him.

When I got back home, Mom asked me how my day had been. I thought about telling her what happened, but I knew that it would only worry her, so I merely told her that I had a good day.

I went into the kitchen and got myself a drink as I thought about Jasper's father. I'd only ever seen him once when he'd first arrived, even though I was certain I'd seen him before. I could only assume that was because he looked so much like Jasper; even their hair was similar.

But their eyes separated them. Although, the father's eyes _were_ sad and darkened with stress and worry, Jasper's were darker. But apart from that, from afar, it would be easy to get them mixed up.

The glass slipped out of my hand and smashed at my feet. The juice seeped into the carpet, staining it. But I couldn't move; I couldn't do anything. I was frozen.

As I could remember where it was I'd seen his father. He had been at the hospital the day Jasper found his mother unconscious. His father had been there. I'd seen him. I'd called out to him, thinking he was Jasper.

He had been there.

It all made sense now.

I had to tell Jasper.

* * *

**A/N****: Yes, all of you who said it was Jasper's father at the hospital are allowed to be smug now and say 'I knew it'. Of course it was him, who else was it going to be?**

**If you were wondering what happened to Alice near the start of the chapter, then let me explain. When she heard the song, it reminded her of a traumatic memory and she 'disappeared into herself' for a short while.**

**All the small Jalice moments make me want to squeal when I write them, seriously.**

**I'll give you a teaser if you give me a review. I'd love to get over 600 reviews. Will you help make that happen before the next chapter? You know if you get review number 600, you can request a special teaser.**


	47. Chapter 46

**A/N****: Chapter 46!**

***giggles* Happy birthday Jackson Rathbone!**

**I love my readers and reviewers, you're all fuckawesome, and I want to give you all a picture of Jasper in nothing but a towel. My God, someone needs to manip that shit like right now!**

**Disclaimer:**** By now, you all know who I own and who I don't. After forty-five disclaimers, you must get the picture.**

* * *

**Chapter 46 - For My Own Good**

**25****th**** August 2009**

**Jasper POV**

I began tapping my foot on the floor as I waited for Alice to arrive. I could feel the tension fizzing beneath the skin with each passing minute. She'd told me that she had something important to tell me, something she couldn't say over the phone, and from the sound of her voice, it wasn't something I would like.

I gave up waiting inside and went to wait out on the front step. But as I opened the door, I realised it wasn't necessary, as Alice was just walking down the road. I went towards her straight away.

"What's wrong, Alice?" I demanded in a frantic voice as soon as we were in earshot. She bit her lip briefly before looking behind me at the house.

"Is your dad here?" she asked. I hadn't been expecting her to ask that. I shook my head. I wouldn't have been able to stay under the same roof as him, and I'd never leave Emily in there alone whilst he was here.

"What about your mom?"

"Yeah, she's here," I answered. "Please, Alice, tell me what's going on. It's got something to do with Mom or Emily, hasn't it?"

She took a deep breath before answering. "Actually, it's about your father. I've seen him before."

My stomach dropped. "What do you mean?"

"That day your mom had to be taken to hospital. I saw him in there. I called out to him thinking he was you. I _talked_ to him."

The anger reared up in my chest at the click of my finger. He had been at the _hospital_? That was over a _month_ ago. He'd been around before then? Why the hell hadn't Mom told me that she knew he was back? How much more has she been hiding from me?

"Wait here," I said through clenched teeth before turning around and making my way back inside. I ran up the stairs, taking two at a time in my hurry. I went straight into Emily's room where she was playing with her toys.

"Come on, Ems, you have to go out with Alice for a bit," I told her as I hurried her along. I tried to keep the anger out of my voice, but it still sounded like I was talking to her through my teeth. "Is that okay?"

She stared at me with wide eyes, but still nodded before following me downstairs. I grabbed her coat from the side and helped her put on her shoes, before reaching for my wallet. I led her back outside to Alice who eyed me cautiously.

"Please, can you take Emily out somewhere?" I asked, trying to regain a little control. "I don't mind where you take her, just find somewhere."

I handed her some money out of my wallet. "Take her for some lunch or something like that. Just get her away from the house."

"Jasper…" she began, but I cut her off.

"Please, Alice," I begged. "I don't want her hearing this."

She sighed and looked down at Emily briefly before looking back at me. "Don't do anything stupid. I'll be back later with Emily."

I didn't answer her, for I didn't know what she meant by _don't do anything stupid. _I thanked her quickly before watching her lead Emily away. I only turned away when they'd gone out of sight.

Taking a deep breath, I went back inside. I knew Mom was sitting in the main room and so I went in there straight away. She glanced up at me when I entered. When she saw the look in my eyes the expression on her face dropped.

"How long has he been back?"

Her brow furrowed in confusion. "What?"

"How long have you known he was back?"

I could feel my hands shaking by my sides. It was taking a lot to keep myself in control, but even then I wasn't doing a very good job of it.

"Not long…" she told me as she glanced briefly at the phone on the table.

"_How long_?" I snarled. "I want you to give me a date."

"Jasper…I…" she began, but she stopped when she decided against it. "I don't know. The start of the month…I…"

Regardless of the fact I knew she wasn't telling the truth, the look on her face was enough to go on. "You're lying! Why are you _lying_ to me?"

Her eyes widened as she edged away from me. "Jasper, please, just stop. It doesn't matter now."

"How does it not _matter_?" I snapped as I clenched my hands tighter. "I know he was there at the hospital that day you relapsed, so don't tell me it was the start of the month because I know that's bullshit."

The shock was evident on her face as I finished. Her reaction confirmed it for me. He really had been there that day. He had quite possibly seen me and Emily without either of us knowing.

"How long had you been talking to him before then?"

Her eyes flickered towards the phone a second before she bent down and picked it up. I didn't think about what I was doing as I reached forward and snatched it out of her hand and threw it on the chair next to me.

"No, Jasper," she gasped after I'd taken the phone. "Your father should be here; you need to understand this fully."

"He doesn't need to be here, just _tell_ me!"

As I stared down at her, I could see the fire from my eyes being reflected into hers. The anger was furiously buzzing beneath my skin; it was like a time bomb waiting to go off.

I could see the resolve slip away as her shoulders sagged. "He first contacted me at the end of June."

I took a step away from her as the shock and disbelief travelled through my body quicker than a click of my fingers.

"You've been lying to me since the end of _June?_" I gasped as the nausea rolled through me. That was well over a month ago. I had been in Port Angeles since then, and all that time he'd been there. Hell, he'd been in _Forks _some of that time, too.

"No, Jas. I wasn't lying to you, not intentionally. You have to believe me when I say it was for your own good that you didn't know," she murmured as she stepped towards me. I could hear it in her voice; she was trying to persuade me into seeing the reason behind her actions. But I wasn't having any of it.

However, as silence fell over us, something dawned on me. "July," I breathed, staring at her, trying to remember the exact dates. "Your relapse…was that because of him?"

I felt physically sick as I watched her look away from me. I couldn't take it; I couldn't comprehend it.

"He made you do that to yourself," I said, punctuating each word with a laboured breath. "Yet you still take him back?"

"Please, Jas," she whispered. Her eyes swam with tears as she spoke. "We've worked through it, and trust me, that wasn't easy, but we did. Can you not just…_try_ talking to him?"

I shook my head quickly, not wanting to listen. I wanted to leave the room, but there was one more thing I had to know.

"Has he seen Emily before yesterday?" I asked in a quieter voice. The notion that Emily might have known, too, made my stomach churn.

"No," she answered, my question taking her by surprise. "He hasn't seen her; not properly, at least."

My brow furrowed in confusion. "What do you mean _not properly_?"

She didn't answer me, not straight away. "He said he saw her briefly at the hospital, but from far away."

I closed my eyes and looked away with her. If he'd seen her, then that meant he'd seen me, too. How had I not noticed him? How had I not seen him walking around? If Alice had seen him, then he must have been around at the same time I was going to see Mom.

"I'm so sorry, Jas. We wanted to tell, we really did. But things were going so well for you recently. I was finally seeing my baby boy again, and I couldn't, Jas, I _couldn't_ take it away from you. I didn't want to make you like this."

She stepped towards me then, with more tears in her eyes, and tried to put her arms around me. I moved away before she could manage it.

"Just don't, Mom," I said as I took a few more steps back from her. I could see the hurt in her eyes at my actions. But right now, I couldn't find it in myself to care. If she supposedly didn't want to make me like this, then why did they go about this in the completely wrong way? They could have done things differently, and maybe, just _maybe_ I might have been able to accept this.

Maybe.

I turned away from her then and stepped out of the room. I just wanted to get away from her. I couldn't even bear to be in the same room as her now that I knew how long she'd been keeping it from me.

I clenched my teeth when I realised that it might not even be the last of it. God only knew what else they weren't telling me _for my own good_.

* * *

**28****th**** August 2009**

Alice had eyed me cautiously when she came back with Emily a couple of hours later. She even went as far as going to check on Mom to see if she was okay. She didn't tell me she was going to of course, but I knew nonetheless – she wasn't very subtle about it.

After Alice had gone home, Emily had questioned me, trying to find out what was going on. But I had acted nonchalant and told her that nothing happened. I even told her that everything was _fine_.

She knew I was lying, like she always did.

_He _had come back the next day, and tried to talk to me again. Mom had called him, and they wanted to explain to me why they hadn't told me. I had tried to keep my emotions in check, and listen to them, I really did try. But I got angry, just like always, and I'd ended up storming upstairs and not leaving my room until he'd gone.

Emily had stayed in my bed again that night, complaining that she couldn't sleep in her own room. It was then, as she snuggled down, that she confided in me how much our own father scared her. He was a stranger to her; she didn't like that he made me so angry all the time, and she hated the distance that had formed between me and Mom.

I didn't have the guts to admit that was partly my fault, too.

But I tried not to think about that now as Alice and I made our way towards Edward's house. Emily was staying over at Esme's tonight with Nessie and would be there until I collected her tomorrow afternoon. I got the impression that Mom asked Esme if Emily could stay, but I wasn't sure, and I didn't think about asking her.

Either way, it meant that I was free to spend the last night with my friends before they went off to college.

Esme knew about my father's return, and she tried talking to me about it. But I told her that I didn't want to talk about it. Thankfully, I was more polite to her than I had been to Carlisle.

"Have you ever seen where Edward lives?" Alice asked, breaking the silence that had fallen over us.

"No." I grew curious as to why she would ask that. "Why?"

"I think you'll be in for a surprise then," she said as we walked down the road he lived on. "His father is an incredible businessman; Edward told me what it was like when he was younger. They didn't always have what they do now – it's one of those times you're glad that someone got the big break they'd been working for."

I looked around, noticing that all the houses were fancier than any surrounding my house a couple of streets away. I could only assume that Edward's family owned a very nice house, and from what Alice had just told me, I was glad, too.

I was right, of course. My mouth fell open the moment it came into view. It was an amazing white house, with a porch leading up to the front doors.

"Edward lives _here_?" I asked in astonishment as we walked up the porch steps.

Alice nodded as she knocked on the front door. "Just wait till you see the interior – it's beautiful. I would love to design something like that."

I was going to tell her that she should pursue that dream, when Edward appeared at the front door. He ushered us inside and told us to leave our stuff by the door, I noticed there was someone else's things there already.

But I paid little attention to that as I allowed my eyes to travel around the interior. We were currently standing in the main hallway. There was a large staircase leading upstairs in front of us with two passageways to our right and left. Edward signalled for me to follow him down the left passageway which led to a large living room.

There was a series of greetings from Bella and Rosalie, who were sitting on the main couch in the middle of the room. Edward went and sat down next to Bella whilst Alice and I sat on one of the other couches in the room.

My eyes flickered around the room briefly, taking in the various photo frames around the room, noticing that Edward was in the majority of them. I could vaguely remember Edward telling me that he was an only child.

"So, where's Emmett?" Alice asked. "I thought he'd be here by now."

"He's got to babysit till about eight," Rosalie replied in a rather amused tone. "There wasn't anyone else to look after Eoghan, Frankie and Cally. Emmett drew the short straw on that one. I think Henry and Lewis ran off before they could get roped into doing it."

"Typical McCarty behaviour," Edward muttered before shaking his head in amusement. "It looks as if Henry hasn't changed much after leaving to go to university."

"I miss Henry," Bella said after a moment in a sad voice as she shuffled closer to Edward. "I talked to him again the other day, and as strange as this'll sound, I actually miss how he used to annoy me."

Alice chuckled. "You know, I actually feel the same way."

"Well, we could invite him over here if you want?" Edward said as he looked around at everyone. When his eyes landed on me, I just shrugged, even though I wasn't sure what it would be like meeting him. I could still remember that it was Henry who had seen me on Maria's anniversary.

"Oh, please invite him over," Bella exclaimed in an excited voice. "It'll just be like old times!"

I diverted my gaze as her words sunk in. I knew she hadn't said it as a dig at me, but I could tell, from the silence that followed, that the others sensed it as well.

Sure, it'll just be like old times. Except I was there and Robbie wasn't.

"Okay," Edward began, breaking the silence. "I'll go call him."

He got up then and left the room quickly. The room fell into complete silence after he left. Bella got up a moment later and followed him out, muttering something about wanting to talk to Henry, too.

"So, what's Henry like?" I asked, not directing my question at anyone in particular. I knew that he was like Emmett, but that was about it. I wanted to know a little bit more about him before he arrived. Especially since he'd seen me _that _day, when no one else – apart from Emmett – knew that it ever happened.

"Well, he's so funny," Rosalie began with a smile. "But _really_ knows how to annoy someone."

Alice nodded in agreement. "He has an innuendo for just about _everything_, and his favourite thing to do it rib people senseless, especially Bella."

"But he's probably more loyal than what Emmett is, and you know that Emmett is as loyal as they come," Rosalie continued, her smile turning wistful. "You'll like him, Jasper, trust me, most people do."

"I believe you," I said after it became apparent that she was waiting for my response. But I was still slightly apprehensive about meeting him. Would he bring it up in front of everyone? Would he want to talk about it? I wasn't sure if I was ready to do that kind of thing. I didn't want to ruin the night by becoming cold, detached Jasper again.

"Henry's coming!" Bella exclaimed excitedly as she skipped back into the room. I watched her in confusion. She seemed overly excited about seeing Henry all of a sudden.

"Emmett would have had a field day with that comment," Edward said as he walked in behind her. We all laughed at Edward's comment before settling back into their seats, waiting for Henry to arrive.

The conversation was light, but I didn't really input much. I was still kind of nervous about Henry's reaction to me. Did he know that I was here? If so, would he remember what had happened? Of course he fucking would. What was I thinking? If I were in his place, I wouldn't forget that for a long time.

There was a loud knock at the door and Edward jumped up to answer it. We already knew it was Henry.

I tensed in my seat.

When he stepped in, his eyes seemed to land on Bella first, and a smile formed on her face. A second later, she was up and wrapping her arms around him. He squeezed her, damn near picking her up off her feet. They hugged for longer that I thought necessary, but then as I thought about what she'd said to me last month, I realised this was like a reconnection of sorts.

"Ah, I've missed you, Blush," he murmured as he pulled back from her. Bella grinned and mentioned something about him still calling her by her nickname. She turned away then, and replied to something Rosalie said. But I didn't register their words. All I did was watch as Henry's gaze lingered on Bella longer than necessary, his eyes sad. The realisation was pretty instantaneous.

"So," I began, as I leaned closer to Alice so that I could whisper in her ear. "How long has Henry liked Bella?"

She jolted and turned to look at me with wide eyes. "_What_?"

"Just watch the way he looks at her," I whispered as I looked towards Henry again. If he happened to look in our direction, it would be pretty obvious that we were talking about him. We were like two old ladies gossiping in the corner.

"Oh my God," she muttered quickly as she looked between Henry and Bella. She hopped up from the couch quickly and grabbed my hand, signalling for me to follow her.

"Sick of my company already, Short Stuff?" he asked as she led me towards the door. He met my eye briefly, and I knew straight away that _he _knew who I was, but there wasn't a look in his eyes, there wasn't pity, there wasn't curiosity. With a quick flash of relief, I began to think that maybe Henry wasn't going to bring it up after all.

"Jasper and I need to talk, like, _right_ now," she replied vaguely, before looking at Edward. "Is it okay if we go outside?"

Edward nodded and waved his hand at us, signalling for us to go ahead. Alice smiled and continued to pull on my hand. She led me out the back door and into the garden. I shouldn't have been surprised to see that its size matched with the house.

"Why did we have to come outside to talk?" I asked as she took me to some garden swing seats.

"Because I don't want anyone hearing us," she told me as if it was perfectly obvious. I sighed, letting go of her hand and sitting down on the swing.

"So, you think Henry likes Bella?" she continued excitedly.

I let out a quick chuckle and looked at her with a questioning gaze. "You seriously brought me out here to gossip? Wouldn't Rosalie be better for this sort of thing?"

She rolled her eyes. "And make it even more obvious? Seriously, Jasper, do you not know anything?"

"Okay, okay," I muttered as I raised my hands and shrugged my shoulders. "Gossip away, I'm listening."

She grinned. "Okay, Bella used to like Henry back when we were thirteen. She'd admitted it to me and Rosalie, but never did anything about it. Then Edward moved to Forks less than a year later, and Bella fell for him straight away. I guess it makes sense now, Henry _hated _Edward at first and none of us really knew why. But if he liked Bella, then that explains why he acted the way he did."

"Does Edward know?" I asked curiously, suddenly getting sucked into the whole gossiping thing.

"I don't think so," she replied, deep in thought. "Although, Edward knew, like everyone else did, that Henry didn't like him at first, and to be honest, I don't think they are that close _now_. When Edward moved to Forks, Henry was getting nearer the end of High School, so he was spending less and less time with us because of the finals, anyway. Then he went away to college, so of course he doesn't see us as much these days, and so he hasn't really had the time to get to know Edward like he has with the rest of us."

_Apart from me, _I wanted to say. But I didn't because then it would remind us, yet again, that the group had changed, and that I had pretty much taken Robbie's place in the group. I decided to steer away from the subject of Edward and Henry, just so that it didn't get awkward.

"So, do you think Bella still likes him?" I enquired, thinking of the first question that came to mind. I didn't even need her answer, I knew the answer already.

She shook her head. "Definitely not, that was years ago now. I very much doubt she still feels anything even remotely like that now that she is with Edward."

I nodded thoughtfully. "Well, she's certainly close to him, that's for sure. If she knew how he felt, I don't think she'd hug him for so long next time."

"I don't think it would affect that," she disagreed. "They were very close when they were younger, and I'm sure she sees Henry as an older brother now. I don't want to be the one to ruin that, nor do I want to be the one to make it awkward between them. She doesn't have to know."

She paused for a short moment. "Although, I think I might talk to Henry about it," she continued as a devious little smirk played across her lips.

"I thought as much," I replied, chuckling.

Seconds later, she waved her hands in front of me, as if she was trying to shut me up. "Henry's coming outside."

I laughed out loud at her discreetness; or lack thereof as the case may be. "Subtle, Alice, _real_ subtle."

She stuck her tongue out at me just as Henry got closer to us. "Hey, Short Stuff, why don't you piss off back inside for a bit so I can talk to Jasper?" he said in a teasing manner.

But I didn't hear the amusement in his voice; all I could feel was the tension shooting through my body. He wanted to talk to me? That could only mean one thing, and I'd said I didn't want to bring back cold, detached Jasper. It seemed as if that was going to be inevitable.

"You always have a way with the words, Henry," she muttered as she stood up, shaking her head at him.

Grinning at her, he replied, "You know it's one of the reasons you love me so much."

She raised an eyebrow at him, but didn't comment. Instead, she said, "I'll be having a chat with you later."

He gave her a quizzical look, but she didn't elaborate any further.

"Do you know what she wants to talk to me about?" he asked as he sat down next to me, taking Alice's seat. I didn't answer him at first, as I found myself watching Alice walk away from us. I never really noticed before, but she was actually quite graceful. It was only when she disappeared inside the house that I turned back to him with a smirk. Alice was going to _hate_ me for talking to him.

"She just found out that you like Bella, and you know Alice, of course she wants to question you on it," I told him, trying to keep a straight face. It was a risky game to play by telling him we found out he liked Bella, when we didn't actually know for certain if it was true. But the moment I saw his reaction, I knew that it was.

His eyes were wide, and his mouth hung open, then closed, then fell open again. It was like watching a fish.

"How did she know?" he asked, not denying it at all. He sounded shocked, but slightly in awe, for some reason.

"I told her." Why the hell did I sound smug about that?

"How the hell did _you_ know? I was in there like two minutes before Alice pulled you away!" he continued, but then shook his head. "Actually, it doesn't matter. You're distracting me from what I wanted to say."

My body went cold and the smile fell from my face; I was certain he noticed the change. It was alright when he didn't move onto touchy subjects. I could get along with him if he didn't try to talk to me about something I didn't want to go into.

A barrier went up around my mind. Just like a transparent wall surrounding me, repelling anything he asked.

"Don't go there, Henry," I said, warning him. I liked him, and I wanted him to like me, too. But if he pressed me, and tried to get me to talk, then he would see a side of me that I didn't want people to see, yet still seemed to appear from time to time. If he saw this side of me, he would think I was messed up.

Well, I guess I was.

He sighed. "Don't worry, I won't. Emm's already told me that you don't want to talk about it, and I respect that, I do. That shits private, and if you don't want to talk about it with Emmett, then you won't want to talk about it with me, a complete stranger."

I nodded, feeling grateful that he hadn't tried to get me to talk. I admired him for that; I really wasn't expecting him to say it at all.

"So, what did you want to talk about then?" I asked curiously, just wanting to understand his motives. If he didn't want to talk about the day of Maria's anniversary, then what did he want to talk about?

He shrugged. "I just want to get to know you a little better, that's all. The last time I was here in Forks, back in April, you weren't really mentioned that much. The first I really heard of you was that day in April. But now I come back here to find you in my one of my old friendship groups, and so I just want to get to know you a bit better while I'm still in Forks."

"Alright," I said reluctantly. Sure, it was an innocent thing to get to know someone. But I could remember what I was like when people asked about my family. I'd snapped at Alice, numerous times, I'd argued with Edward when he asked about my father. What was I going to do with Henry?

It was silent then, awkwardly so in fact. Was he expecting me to say something? Or was he thinking about something to say? But then I saw him shake his head out of the corner of my eye, and I turned to him curiously.

"Okay, I'm sorry. But how did you know I liked Bella after only two minutes?" he asked with a slight chuckle on his lips. "Was it really that obvious? Do you think Bella knows?"

I couldn't help but smile at how nervous this big, almost scary looking guy was. He must have really liked her.

"It's the way you looked at her." I paused, then added, "It was as if she was the only one in the room."

He smiled and looked down at his lap for a moment. "I guess that makes sense. Though, to be honest, I could say the same thing about you."

"What?" I cried in disbelief. "I don't like Bella!"

He took one look at my shocked expression and threw his head back in laughter. "I didn't mean Bella, you idiot!"

I frowned. "Well, who were you…" My voice trailed away from me and my eyes became unfocused.

"Alice?" I whispered as I met his eye again.

He nodded. "You got it in one."

"She's just a friend," I told him immediately, a kneejerk reaction. She _was_ just a friend. What was he on about?

"Maybe so," he granted. "But you do realise that you didn't take your eyes off her until she disappeared inside the house?"

"I…" I tried to find a reason behind why I did that, but there just wasn't one. I watched her walk away, and I don't even know why.

"Trust me, there isn't any logical reason behind it," he told me with a slight smile on his face. "I've tried working it out myself, but it's pointless. You just do it, without even realising."

I shook my head. "I don't love Alice." Not like _that_, at least.

"I don't love Bella," he replied naturally.

I pursed my lips. He was very stubborn. "Henry, I don't like Alice in that way. She's my friend."

I felt as if I was trying to convince a child that Santa wasn't real. He just didn't believe me.

He raised his hands up in front of him. "Fair enough, whatever you say. But you will. It always catches up with you at some point."

"You're really stubborn, you know that?" I muttered, trying to steer the conversation away from me and Alice.

He smirked. "That's a McCarty gene right there, and so, I'd like to add, is the knack for knowing when someone is in denial."

I wanted to say something, _anything_, to make him see sense. Alice and I couldn't be together. But he left me alone after that, obviously sensing that I was deep in thought. I think I heard him mutter something like think about what I said. But my mind was pretty much in a haze, and so I wasn't sure.

Some time later, I was jolted from my thoughts as Alice sat herself down next to me. It was getting colder out here, and so she shuffled closer to me to retain some body heat. I found myself wrapping my arm around her shoulders without even giving it a second thought. Was this what Henry was on about?

"What are you doing out here on your own?" she asked after a moment of silence. "Henry came in ages ago."

"I know, I was just thinking, that's all," I replied, my voice still distant.

"Oh right, what about?"

I bit my lip, not wanting to tell her. "Just something Henry said to me."

"Well, I hope it was something good," she murmured as she rested her head against my shoulder.

I tightened my grip around her as a slow smile spread across my face. "Yeah, Alice, it was good."

* * *

**A/N****: I have a lot to say here. First, I think Jasper is in the wrong to be angry at his mother for not telling him about his father's return. Can you imagine if she'd told Jasper straight away? He'd have been just as angry as he is now; his mother would have to deal with Jasper's reaction as well as her own – and vice versa. They'll be having a talk about this later – and Jasper will understand. *sigh* Bloody Hotheadsper, he needs to stick around and listen more often. Plus, there really isn't anyone he wouldn't get angry at – except maybe Emily.**

**Second, all you E/B lovers out there, don't worry about Henry. He isn't going to come between Bella and Edward – they're inseparable, you know that.**

**Finally, someone has made Jasper think about his feelings for Alice! It's about time, although Henry didn't go about it the right way. You just wait, it's not gonna be pretty.**

**Please review! You know the drill. You review, I send out teasers. I'd love to get 620 reviews, and…go!**

**Oh, just a warning, the shit will be hitting the fan in the not so distant future. Thought I'd throw that one out there *smiles* I'm so excited about that.**

**One more thing – Merry Christmas!**


	48. Chapter 47

**A/N****: Chapter 47!**

**This chapter is for vegetarianvamps, she threatened me with bricks - so this update is for her.**

**I can't believe I'm posting chapter 47. Scrap that, I can't believe I've written 64 chapters altogether. I never thought I'd get this far, and I know one of the main reasons I continue is my readers. You have yourselves to thank for each update.**

**Disclaimer****: *kisses laptop* you're about the only thing I own. *kisses Jasper* I wish I owned you.**

**Any quotes taken from **_**Alice in Wonderland**_** belong to Lewis Carroll and any other rightful owners.**

* * *

**Chapter 47 - Down the Rabbit Hole**

**29****th**** August 2009**

**Jasper POV**

I tried to ignore the looks Henry gave me when Alice and I walked back into the house. I wasn't sure what he was trying to prove. He wasn't here all the time. It wasn't anything new to see me and Alice together. We were _always_ together. That didn't mean we were going to be _together_,though.

Edward and Bella were snuggled up together on one of the couches; she was leaning against his chest with his arms wrapped around her waist. For the briefest of moments, I felt sorry for Henry. He had to sit there watching the film, while the girl he liked was sitting with her boyfriend only metres away. However, he seemed totally at ease as he sat beside Rosalie. Though, appearances were deceiving, so he could have been feeling anything inside.

The only remaining couch was the one we had been sitting in earlier, and so we sat down, getting ourselves comfortable. But as we did so, I noticed a couple of things. First, even though the couch was big enough for three people to sit comfortably, Alice still sat close beside me. So much so that, in fact, I could actually feel her leg against my own.

The second thing I noticed, however, was that my arm, which could quite easily have sat in my lap, was now resting on the back of the couch behind Alice. Then the really weird thing was that I couldn't actually remember putting it there. It had been an immediate reaction, subconsciously so, in fact.

I cursed Henry under my breath for making me more conscious of being around Alice. Just because we were comfortable with each other, it didn't mean we were going to be together. What was funny, in a really fucking non-comical way, was that I seemed to have to keep telling myself that.

When I started to actually pay attention to the movie, it was already passed the introduction and well into the first of the action scenes. I tried to convince myself that I was paying more attention to the movie than what I was with Alice, but I wasn't doing a very good job of it. Every move Alice made seemed to attract my attention, even if it was just a mere scratch or twitch, I noticed it.

As time passed by, my arm seemed to move lower and lower, until Alice's head was actually resting in the crook of my elbow, and not on the couch like it had been when the movie started. My fingers were subconsciously tracing patterns on her arm, and like everything else, I didn't realise that I was doing it until it had been going on for a long time.

My fingers stopped completely and I wondered whether my contact was making her uncomfortable, when at the same moment, she brought her legs up onto the chair and curled them in front of her. She had one knee resting against my thigh, and neither of us moved to break contact.

By the time the movie was coming to an end, my arm was securely around her, my fingers tracing patterns along her arm, just above her wrist, and her head was resting against my shoulder. We were damn near _cuddling_, and I didn't really understand _why _we were, it just felt right, which confused the hell out of me.

When the doorbell went, Edward got up and went to answer it, but as he did so, he turned to look at us and stopped moving. I wasn't a mind reader, so I didn't have a clue what he was thinking, but it was pretty obvious on his facial expression. He was shocked – _surprised _– to see us sitting the way we were.

However, when he met my eye, he looked away awkwardly and went for the door. I looked sideways ever so slightly, and wasn't surprised to see three pairs of eyes staring at us. Henry's, in particular, were smug with the hint of _I told you so_ mixed in. Rosalie was as shocked as Edward, and Bella was, well, she was just undecipherable.

I turned away from them.

Alice knew they were looking, and yet she didn't move, and so I wasn't going to either. A second later, we heard Emmett's voice getting closer and closer. As expected, his eyes landed on me and Alice immediately. His eyebrows rose and his expression did little to mask his surprise. He looked away from us, and then his expression dropped completely when he saw Henry sitting next to Rosalie.

"Hang on just a minute!" he exclaimed dejectedly. "I was busy for a couple of hours, and you go and replace me with an older version!"

Henry laughed and held his hands up in apology. "I'm sorry, Emm, they just needed a McCarty, and I was available."

"The only reason you were available was because you ran off when Ma wanted someone to look after the younglings! Now get out of my seat," Emmett muttered before stepping towards Rosalie and signalling for him to get out of the way. Henry rolled his eyes and went to sit next to Bella.

I met Henry's eye, and he gave me a _don't-you-fucking-dare-make-a-comment _kind of look, and I couldn't help but chuckle. When Alice nudged me to find out what I was laughing about, I just shook my head, telling her it was nothing.

"The younglings?" Bella asked after a moment. I turned to look at her, wondering where this delayed reaction came from.

"You heard him correct," Henry began, beating Emmett to it. "We call the ones under thirteen the younglings."

Bella grinned and pinched Henry's cheek. "Aw, aren't you two just so cutie pootie with the nickname."

Henry grinned and brushed her hand away without saying anything, but Emmett had other plans.

"Cutie pootie? Are you _serious_? Hell to the no, Bella. That does not fit with the whole masculine aura that just _radiates _from me."

As he spoke, he puffed out his chest and winked at Bella. She shook her head and sent Rosalie an amused look.

"So that's why you have a Taylor Swift CD in your car then, Emm?" Edward muttered, trying to hide the laughter in his voice.

We all turned to look at Emmett just as his eyes widened. "What? No, that's Rose's CD!" he said, stuttering slightly after being put on the spot. I was half tempted to ask who the fuck Taylor Swift was, but I decided against it, knowing it was probably some girly shit that Emmett wouldn't be seen dead with.

When Edward raised his eyebrows in scepticism, Emmett turned to Rosalie. "Tell 'em it's yours, Rose."

She chuckled and shook her head. "Oh, I'm so not getting involved in this."

"Rosie!" Emmett whined, pouting slightly, which was quite a funny expression to see on his face.

It was silent for a moment before Edward laughed and started to hum a tune to a song I didn't recognise. "Come on, Emm, you know the words – sing along!"

"He has got a point there," Rosalie added, fighting back a grin.

"Dude, you know the _words_?" Henry cried, staring at his brother in shock.

"Of course I don't!" Emmett said loudly, though for some reason, I didn't quite believe him. "Bloody hell, Rose, I told you to take that shit out my car!"

Rosalie suddenly didn't look pleased. "You bought it for me, so now I think it'll stay in the Jeep because of that."

"Aw, Emm, you went out and bought a Taylor Swift CD," Edward said, seemingly enjoying this far too much.

Emmett looked around the room at us all. "Why are you ganging up on me? Edward was the one humming the fucking song!"

"True point," Henry said, turning his attention to Edward. I could tell he was about to say something, when Edward abruptly held his hand up to stop him.

"If any of you are planning on ribbing me, you can get the hell out now," he said, his voice teasing as he pointed towards the door.

Emmett and Henry shared a glance, and a second later, they both stood up and went towards the door.

"Fuck the both of you," Edward muttered, shaking his head in amusement as they walked out the room.

I could feel Alice's whole body shaking with laughter, and I found myself smiling more about that, than what Edward said.

"Aw, my poor baby," Bella murmured as she, too, got up, but went to sit in his lap, instead. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pretended to ruffle his hair. Edward smiled at her and quickly kissed her on the lips.

Seconds later, Emmett and Henry returned, both laughing, and sat down in their previous seats.

"I'm going to miss this," Rosalie said, and the atmosphere in the room went sombre. I hadn't even known them all a full year, yet I knew that I was going to miss this as well. I felt Alice shuffle closer to me slightly, and I knew that she was realising that soon, it would be just the two of us.

* * *

My dream was confusing. One minute the girl was petite, with blonde hair, the next, she was Alice. However, she wasn't just Alice; somehow, she was Alice in Wonderland, too.

She danced off ahead of me, letting out a short, high pitched giggle as she did so. I could hear her singing, but the lyrics were inaudible.

"Explain yourself!" I yelled, making her turn back to me.

"I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, sir," she said in a voice that sounded as if it came from an instrument. "Because I'm not myself, you see."

In the back of my mind, I wondered why _Alice in Wonderland_ was being quoted in my dream, but she started to skip away from me once again, and I chased after her, not liking the idea of her disappearing out of sight.

"Wait!" I cried, and this time, she stopped completely and turned to me, an immense smile on her face.

"Try not to fall down the rabbit hole, Mr Jasper," she whispered before blowing me a kiss and disappearing altogether. I looked down without thinking, and suddenly I was falling, and someone was screaming. However, I was not the one screaming, this was someone different. This scream was from someone who was absolutely terrified.

My eyes opened seconds later, and straight away, I realised the screaming wasn't coming from my dream at all. It was coming from Alice.

I shot up and scrambled towards her. I wasn't sure if she was even awake, but her whole body was squirming, seemingly stuck in the sleeping bag.

"What's wrong with her?" everyone seemed to ask simultaneously, each in a different stage of waking up.

"She's having a nightmare," I told them as I tried to find the zip. "Help me get her out!"

They all moved forward to help just as I found the zip and very nearly ripped the thing in two as I pulled it open. I think that was the moment she properly woke up, as when I wrapped my arms around her body and pulled her free, she clung to me, starting to cry.

"Make it stop, make it go away," she moaned, sobbed again my chest. I held onto her tighter as I began running my fingers through her hair and down her back, soothing her.

"It's not real, Alice, you know it's not real," I said to her over and over again. Our friends watched on, their eyes wide and unsure. I knew Alice; she would hate it if they saw her like this.

I made sure that I had a good hold of her before I stood up. It wasn't easy, and with people watching me it was ten times harder/

"Can someone open that door for me?" I said as I nodded towards the door leading out into the hallway. Rosalie was the first to react, and went to open the door for me. However, she didn't go back inside once we'd stepped out. Instead, she followed me down the hall towards the stairs, where I sat down with Alice in my lap.

She was still crying, and shaking like a leaf, so I started to trail my hand up and down her back.

"Alice," Rosalie began. "What happened?"

Alice remained completely silent for a long moment before finally answering. "It was just a bad dream," she whispered, and Rosalie didn't have to be a genius to work out that it wasn't _just a dream_, and that it was far more than that.

I grimaced and didn't look at Rosalie because she would see the confirmation in my eyes that Alice had lied to her. I knew what those dreams were like, and they certainly weren't _just a dream_. I wondered briefly how hard that had been for her to say out loud.

Rosalie didn't seem convinced in the slightest, but she nodded nonetheless and didn't say anything else. I could tell she didn't know what else to say.

"You should go back and sleep some more, you've got a big day tomorrow," Alice continued. I could tell she was trying to keep her emotions in check, and she wasn't finding it easy, either.

"Are you sure?" Rosalie murmured reluctantly. "I don't mind staying out here with you both."

I sensed Alice wanted to say something more, but she kept quiet. "Alice is right; you should go and sleep for a couple more hours. I'm gonna stay out here anyway," I told her, knowing I had to say something.

She nodded again and got up. She gave us both one last, weary gaze before disappearing down the hallway.

It was silent for a moment and I wanted to ask if our current position was making her uncomfortable.

"Thank you," she whispered, as her hand came down to rest against my chest, effectively answering the question in my mind. She was still shaking, and I felt her fingers tangle into my shirt as if she was trying to stop the movement completely.

I didn't respond to her because I didn't need to. I just waited, knowing that if she wanted to talk about it, then she would.

The silence stretched on, and like it always was between us, it never once turned awkward.

"I thought they had stopped," she finally said, and I knew she was talking about the nightmares. "I thought I wasn't going to have it anymore. What triggers them?"

I frowned and held her tighter. "I don't think there is something specific that triggers them, they just happen."

"Do you still have them?"

I shook my head. "Not for a long time now, but I don't believe that I won't have it again, not for a second. It'll come back, I'm sure."

She was quiet for a moment, and I knew she was thinking about what I had said. "What a pair we are," she said. Her voice was sad, but there was a tiny hint of her normal self in there, too.

"Tell me about it," I said with a sigh. Then as an after thought, I added, "You know, you were in my dream."

She seemed to perk up a little bit at my words. "Really?"

"Yeah, at first it was _Alice in Wonderland_, but then suddenly it was you, instead. We quoted something from the books, and then you warned me not to fall down any rabbit holes, yet when I looked down, there was nothing _but_ the rabbit hole and I had no choice but to fall."

"Maybe there was a meaning behind that. Maybe you were subconsciously being told that you're always going to fall down the rabbit hole at some point."

When I didn't answer her, she changed the subject. "Do you want to go sit outside or something? I don't feel like sleeping now, we'll have to be up at seven and it must be gone five in the morning."

I nodded, waiting as she sat up, and then got off me completely. "I'll go get our sleeping bags, and then we'll go outside," I said to her before standing up myself. She waited in the hallway while I walked back into the room, I could tell she didn't want to go back in there just yet.

I was surprised to see that most of them were awake still. "How is she?" Bella asked as she sat leaning against Edward yet again.

"She's okay, just a bit upset because of her dream, that's all," I said as truthfully as I could.

"Do you know what it was about?" Emmett asked from where he was lying with Rosalie.

"No," I lied. "She didn't want to talk about it, and I didn't really want to ask her about it either. Hey, Edward," I said, turning to face him. "We're thinking of sitting outside until morning, is that okay?"

"Sure, I'll go find you the keys to get outside," he said, standing up at the same time. I nodded then grabbed both sleeping bags from the floor.

"I'll see you guys later," I said as Edward and I stepped outside. Edward went to fetch the keys while Alice and I waited by the backdoor. When Edward came back, he looked at Alice, and I knew he wanted to talk to her. I took the keys and unlocked the door.

"I'm going to go outside," I told them before stepping outside, but I didn't miss the grateful look Edward gave me before shutting the door behind me.

It was cold outside, but not as cold as I first thought it would be. I went over to the lounge chairs and sat down with the sleeping bags on my lap. A couple of minutes later, the door opened and Alice stepped out and came towards me. I could see already that she had been crying.

I moved up so that she could sit down next to me. She was completely silent for a while as she wiped at her eyes.

"Are you alright?"

She nodded and brushed away a stray tear on her cheek. "Edward said something really nice, that's all."

Then after a moment, she added, "Come on, budge up. It's cold out here and the sooner we're under the sleeping bags, the better."

I stood up and picked up my sleeping bag at the same time, but as I did so, Alice gave me a quizzical look.

"Where are you going?" she asked, confused.

I frowned. "I'm going to the other lounge chair."

"Why? There's enough room for both of us to sit on this one, and it'll be warmer, too," she said as she patted the area next to her. I doubted whether there really was enough room, or if there was, then we'd still be sitting pretty close together. However, I didn't question her, and instead, went to sit down with her again.

She opened her sleeping bag fully then frowned when she saw that the zip was broken. I grimaced and realised that I really _had_ broken it when I pulled it open earlier on tonight.

"Sorry about that. I'll buy you a new one," I said sheepishly. "I didn't mean to break it."

"Thank you," she said, and I didn't hear even the slightest hint of sarcasm. She was being genuine.

"You're thanking me for breaking it?" I asked incredulously.

I watched as a faint smile graced her lips. "No, I'm thanking you for _why _you broke it. It…makes me feel better to know that you…that you would…"

Her voice trailed away and she looked down at the ground. I smiled, knowing what she wanted to say. She looked up at me, and we smiled at each other. Neither of us said anything for a full minute, until we started laying one of the sleeping bags out onto the lounge chair. I then sat back and watched as she shuffled forward and sat next to me. I was right earlier; we were sitting pretty close together.

However, Alice seemed to be comfortable, and so was I. She pulled the other sleeping bag over us and I found myself lifting my arm yet again so that I could wrap it around her shoulder. Everyone else be fucking damned, I didn't care what people said or thought.

"What do you think it will be like, when it's just you and me?" she asked with a thoughtful intonation to her voice.

I thought it over for a moment, not really knowing how to answer her. "I don't know," I finally admitted. "But I guess it will be a bit like it is now."

"Are you scared?" she asked moments later.

I frowned, not understand where that had come from. "Scared about what?"

"That something will change," she replied, her voice quieter than what it was a moment ago.

I knew what she meant, or at least I knew how I was interpreting it, and that was that we would develop feelings for each other, as Henry had said earlier. Did the idea scare her? But I couldn't ask her that, so instead I wanted her to clarify what she'd just said. Even though somehow, I knew that she wouldn't be able to.

"What do you mean?" I whispered, turning to look at her. She turned her head slightly so that she could look at me, too. We were sitting so close together, and that meant our faces were mere inches apart.

My heart was racing.

_Fuck, can she hear it?_

"I don't know," she said, her voice barely even a whisper, and instantly I knew that she wasn't telling me because she didn't want to say it aloud. "Things just might…change."

As she finished, the sun slowly started to rise in the sky. As we were both bathed in the morning sun, I tried to imagine what it would be like if things _did_ change between us, and whether it would be such a bad thing to happen after all.

* * *

**A/N****: I loved the section in the middle with Edward, Emmett and Henry; it was fun to write. But you know me; I had to throw a bit of angst afterwards!**

**I'm a review whore, but you've probably guessed that already. Leave me some love? Aim: 630 - that would be nice.**

**Just so you know: I'm going on holiday on the 3****rd**** to the 11****th****. So I won't update until I'm back. Trust me, this is a good chapter to stop at, you won't want to wait two weeks with the ending of the next chapter.**

**I hope everyone enjoys New Years Eve, and has a good start to 2011.**


	49. Chapter 48

**A/N****: Chapter 48!**

**I've updated, so yes, that means I finished chapter 49. You've no idea how happy I am about that. That chapter really was a pain in the ass to write. Sorry for the wait. I will probably be updating once every week and a half, if that makes sense.**

**But anyway, I'll remind you what happened in the previous chapter: **Henry made Jasper think about his feelings for Alice. Alice had a nightmare, and so Jasper took her outside. Alice asked him if he was scared of things changing, and the chapter ended there.

***kisses my reviewers* There is a new poll on my profile regarding this story. Please check it out and vote.**

**I love this chapter for so many different reasons. But I think you'll all hate me when you see what happens. I'm really nervous about the ending. So I'll post this and run away.**

**Disclaimer****: Twilight own don't I.**

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 48 - Breakdown to Goodbye**

**29****th**** August 2009**

**Jasper POV**

Even though Alice said she didn't feel like sleeping again, we somehow managed to fall asleep. I could feel the heat of her body against my own, and by the sounds of her soft breathing, I knew that she hadn't woken up yet.

The sun was rising in the sky, and I knew that people inside the house would be getting up, or would be awake already. I knew that I should wake Alice so that we could go inside, but I just didn't want to do it. She needed the sleep, and anyway, I didn't really want to move.

A set of footsteps broke me from my thoughts. I don't know why, but I closed my eyes and pretended that I was asleep still. I assumed that whoever it was, were going to wake us up, but they didn't. Instead, I heard them turn around again and go back inside the house, and then about a minute later, I heard voices.

"What do you mean you didn't want to wake them up?" Emmett asked as they got closer.

"You'll see," Edward replied a second later. So it had been Edward coming out here earlier. But did he really have to get someone else? What was so hard about waking us up?

"Oh," Emmett said quietly. "I see what you mean now."

"Exactly," Edward said with a sigh. "They look…peaceful, and its not often I see that."

I had to remind myself to continue with the same breathing pattern, even though his response shocked me. I understood about the peaceful part, everyone looked peaceful when they were sleeping, but it was the part where he said he didn't see it often that got to me. Sure, they knew all about what happened with Alice, but the way he was talking, was as if he knew about my past as well.

"I know, they look really peaceful," Emmett agreed. "Should we go get one of the girls to do it?"

I had to hold back a smirk at his sudden change in tone, the last thing I wanted was for them to realise I was awake. It was such a typical guy thing to do, which was why I had to refrain from smirking. If a situation was hard, or involved too much emotional shit, then the solution was always to get a girl to help.

"No," Edward finally said. "If you go get Rosalie, then Bella and Henry will come out here as well, and first, if they wake up and find us all staring at them, it'll just be freaky, and second, Bella shouldn't see this."

"What do you mean _Bella shouldn't see this_?" Emmett asked, taking the words right out of my mind.

Edward sighed. "C'mon, Emm, you know what it had been like between Alice and Bella a couple of months ago."

"Yeah, but what has that got to do with anything?" Emmett said, but this time I knew what Edward was referring to. However, I still strained my ears to hear his response.

"She thought that…" Edward paused, obviously choosing the right words. "She thought that Alice was replacing her with him. She also thinks the feelings he has for Alice are a hell of a lot more than just platonic. She told me he…_loves_ her."

I froze and stopped breathing altogether. So it wasn't just Henry that thought that way, Bella did, and possibly Edward did, too. I knew that Bella had thought I was using the prom as a _way in_, but I never realised she thought I was _in love_ with Alice.

"That's rubbish. Jasper isn't in love with her," Emmett replied instantly.

"How you do know that? Has he told you?" Edward shot back.

It was silent, and I was dying to open my eyes and read their expressions. But I couldn't let them know I was awake.

"Okay, look, Jasper spends a lot of time with her, and you have to be a fool to not see that he cares for her. But if he does feel that way about her then I doubt he'd ever try anything. He was the one to pull her through last year, and not anyone else, it was him. So if Bella thinks he's taking her best friend then she needs to take a step back and look at this properly."

"She doesn't think it anymore," Edward said after a long moment of silence. "But she still thinks he loves her."

One of them exhaled deeply.

"Maybe he does," Emmett murmured. "But I still don't think things are going to change between them. Alice isn't ready to move on yet. You saw what happened when she woke up earlier; I bet you that dream was about Robbie."

I was in a state of shock as I listened to them. It was so surreal to hear them say this, after all the time that had passed. I had no idea that any of them felt this way. It was all coming out today, wasn't it?

It was silent, and I was so very tempted to open my eyes to see what they were doing. However, Edward started talking seconds later.

"I understand that, and she most probably was dreaming about Robbie," he said in a softer voice. "But you tell me, when you look at them now, that they don't look like a couple to you, and I'll walk away from this."

The arm that was around Alice, tensed as he finished, which jostled her. We looked like a _couple_? I felt Alice stirring next to me, and at the same moment I heard Edward and Emmett move away.

I opened my eyes and stared out across the garden, not seeing a damn thing. Alice was waking up, and in that moment, I really wished we weren't on the same chair. If I had been on the other lounge chair, Edward and Emmett wouldn't have talked, I wouldn't have heard them and I wouldn't be feeling really fucking awkward right now.

Alice's hand moved from her side and slowly trailed up my chest, as if it was searching for something. My heart was going crazy once again as I wondered what she was doing. It was then I realised she was still asleep.

"Alice?" I whispered, as if I wanted to wake her up, and yet I knew full well my voice wasn't loud enough to do so. Her hands moved higher and I felt her fingertips on my neck.

"Robbie…"

I couldn't comprehend the feeling that was inside my chest the moment she whispered his name.

_She thought I was Robbie._

It was as if someone was squeezing my heart, trying to pull it from my chest. I didn't stop to think about what I was doing as I moved her hand out of the way, shifted out from beside her and got up.

I knew she was awake now, but I didn't look at her as I quickly made my way towards the house. It didn't matter what people thought. It didn't matter if they assumed I loved Alice. It didn't _matter_ that we looked like a couple. None of it matter because she still loved Robbie, and she hadn't truly gotten over the fact that he had died.

So for that reason, it didn't fucking matter.

I slammed my hand into the wall before making my way over to the stairs and sitting down heavily. I sat forward and put my head in my hands. There was always something shit going on. If it wasn't having arguments with my parents, it was people saying stuff about me and Alice, and making me actually _think _about the possibilities.

No wonder Alice was scared of things changing between us, she wasn't ready for it, and so she didn't _want _things to change. Maybe that was what she was hinting at last night. She didn't want things to change, and so she was subtly telling me that she didn't want me to try anything.

"Hey, are you alright?"

I gritted my teeth as I looked up at Henry. "No, I'm _not_ alright!" I spat, knowing that I should have reined my anger in, just not being able to do so quickly enough before I spoke.

His eyebrows rose, surprised at my response. "What's wrong?"

"You fucked with my mind!" I cried, tapping my head like a fucking lunatic as I spoke. I stood up, my whole body suddenly shaking.

"What do you mean?" he shot back, a hint of irritation in his voice. He obviously didn't like to be talked to like this.

"All that shit about me and Alice being together. You fucked with my head, making me think about shit that I don't _need_ right now," I continued, stepping towards him. I wasn't going to fight him; that much I knew. But at the same time, I didn't know what my intentions really were.

"Hey, don't get pissed off at me if you've realised that it's true," he said, his jaw was locked, but he still looked like he had more control than I had.

I exhaled quickly, feeling shocked that he had actually come out with something like that.

"Realise its _true_?" I repeated, incredulous. "I realised how fucking absurd that idea actually is!"

His brow furrowed. "How the hell is it _absurd_?"

"Because she hasn't moved on, that's why!" I exclaimed, my body trembling, my chest heaving. The blazing inferno was everywhere, burning into every fibre of my body.

He went silent, and he diverted his eyes, knowing that I was telling the truth. "She said his _name_, Henry. Just now, when she was waking up, she thought I was Robbie."

I closed my eyes, grimacing as I remembered how much it had pained me. "You have no idea what that felt like, Henry. It fucking _hurt_, like someone had punched me in the chest, and I wouldn't have felt that if you hadn't of planted that fucking seed in my head last night."

When I looked him in the eye, I froze, realising that he wasn't looking at me at all. He was looking at something just over my shoulder. I slowly turned around, knowing already that Alice was standing behind me.

My heart did a sickly somersault in my chest as the fire in my body died out. Alice was looking at me, her eyes filled with tears and a sadness even I couldn't comprehend.

"I said his name?" she whispered, her voice barely there through the tears. I opened my mouth, but the words were lost in my dry throat, and I ended up closing my mouth seconds later.

Not knowing what to say or do, I turned back to Henry, then felt my heart jolt once again as I saw that Alice wasn't the only audience we had. Bella, Edward, Emmett and Rosalie were all standing at the mouth of the hallway, staring at me. Then as I looked up at the stairs, I saw, who I could only assume were Edward's parents, standing at the top of them, staring at me cautiously.

I suddenly felt overwhelmed by the whole situation, and instead of staying there and sorting it out, I whipped around, going towards the back door quickly. I didn't even look at Alice as I passed by her and went outside.

Not knowing if anyone was following me, I went straight towards the swing where it had all started yesterday with Henry. When I sat down heavily, I looked back towards the house, feeling my heart sink.

No one was following me out.

_What just happened?_ That was all I could think about for a full minute. I couldn't comprehend how it had suddenly gone from waking up with Alice, to sitting out here after shouting at Emmett's brother and upsetting Alice.

I felt physically sick to the stomach as I sat there, staring at nothing in particular.

* * *

I didn't see him step out of the house. It was only when he was nearing me that I saw him. Edward was ready and dressed in what he was leaving in. He was even wearing his coat, which signalled that they were going to be going soon.

Neither of us said anything as he sat down. It was silent for a long moment before he turned to face me.

"Are you alright?"

I gave him a tired look. "Not really."

"I thought your response would be something like that."

It was silent.

"Where's Alice?"

"Bella took her upstairs after you walked out," he answered. I nodded slowly, not saying anything. It went silent again, but finally he continued. "Look, Jasper, Henry shouldn't have said what he did. It wasn't his place to say that kind of thing to you."

"I sense there is a '_but' _to what you're saying," I told him, not mentioning anything about what he had just said. It made me feel slightly better to hear him saying that he thought Henry had been in the wrong.

He sighed, nodding. "But I agree with the point he is trying to get across. I know that you and Alice spend a lot of time together already, but things are gonna change when the rest of us aren't around."

I looked down at my lap as he finished. I knew where he was going with this, and I didn't want to hear it. Yet I didn't tell him to stop.

"I know you think you don't want to hear this," he said, making me smile faintly; it was almost as if he could read my mind. "But when you spend so much time with someone, you're bound to start having feelings for each other. It was the same for me and Bella. There was a connection there from the start. I didn't have these kinds of feelings for her straight away, but after spending so much time with her, things changed. Now look where we are."

"Yeah, I understand that, really, I do. But it's not so easy to do if you haven't moved on yet," I murmured, not just talking about Alice anymore. I wasn't sure how things stood regarding Maria, it just added to the fact that I was really fucking confused.

"That's true," he said simply. "But come October it's going to be a year since he died. A year is a long time, Jasper, and with each day that passes, it's just adding to it. I know that Alice doesn't want to move on just yet, but she will do, everyone does in time."

I nodded, knowing what he was saying was true. "But what if she isn't the only one who has to move on?"

My voice was barely a whisper, but from the look on his face, I knew that he'd heard me. I don't know why I suddenly wanted to tell him. I'd definitely never wanted to before today. But after what happened earlier, I wanted at least one person to understand why this was so hard for me and Edward was here now, being the first person to come and talk to me.

I wanted to tell him about Maria.

"What you do mean?" he asked, his brow furrowing in confusion.

I didn't respond, not for a long time. But finally, I whispered, "I lost someone, too, Edward."

The expression on his face dropped, and he stared at me, not saying a word. I could tell that he was trying to work out when it happened.

"What?" he said, his voice quiet. "When did that happen?"

I took a deep breath, feeling the emotions rising once again. "It happened April last year."

I heard him gasp quietly. "Shit, Jasper," was all he said for a long moment before continuing. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but, what happened? Who was it?"

I closed my eyes, feeling them fill with tears I didn't want to fall, not in front of Edward.

"She…_Maria_, was my girlfriend, my best friend," I said, hearing the emotions in my voice, the same that I'd felt rising up in my chest. "When she was fourteen she was…diagnosed with leukaemia. She died about five months before I came to Forks."

Opening my eyes again, I glanced at him quickly, catching the moment he ran his hands through his hair.

"Jasper, I'm so sorry," he murmured, sympathy filling his voice. "You should have told one of us. That isn't something you should go through alone."

"I did tell someone," I countered, knowing that if I remained silent, then I would fall apart.

"Alice?"

I nodded, trying to swallow over the lump in my throat.

"So that's why you knew how to get through to her when no one else could," he whispered, sounding as if he was reliving something in his mind. "You're so close now; it's because you understand what she is going through."

My eyes were stinging by the time he'd finished, and I wished that he would look away from me. I didn't want him to see me cry, but I was quickly losing the battle I was fighting inside.

"Can we stop talking about this," I choked out as I blinked quickly. It had been my idea to tell him about Maria, but now I didn't feel as if I could carry on.

My attempts were futile as the first trickled from my eye. I brushed it away angrily with the palm of my hand, knowing Edward would realise I was crying.

He stood up, and at first I thought he was going to give me some space. If it were me and _he _was the one crying, I'd probably have gotten up and left, too. Except, he didn't move – well, he _did_, but only to come stand in front of me.

"Stand up," he instructed, taking me by surprise.

I looked up at him. "What?"

He signalled with his hand for me to move. "Get up."

Not knowing what he wanted, I complied, whilst rubbing at my eyes. I was about to ask him what he wanted, when he stepped forward and pulled me into a tight embrace.

I was so taken aback by his actions that my whole body froze for a couple of seconds, until finally I exhaled and felt my body relax a little. I wasn't really sure what to do, and I could sense that Edward didn't, either, so I decided to return the embrace.

When he pulled away, we looked at each other with only a hint of awkwardness in the air.

"Thanks," I mumbled, not knowing what else to say to him.

He nodded once. "I've never really hugged a guy before. You should count yourself lucky," he added, and I knew he was trying to lighten my mood.

There was a noise coming from the direction of the house, and we looked in time to see Rosalie walking towards us. I wondered briefly whether she'd seen Edward hugging me, but I pushed the thought to the back of my mind.

"Edward, we have to go soon," Rosalie said as she got closer. "Your parents said they needed to talk to you about something."

He nodded and with one last look at me, he started to walk back towards the house. As he walked away, I remembered about his parents witnessing what had happened earlier, and I felt the same nauseous feeling roll through me. Did they want to talk about what they'd seen? Or had they already talked to him about it?

But I knew it was too late to ask now, and once he was out of earshot, Rosalie stepped closer with a concerned expression on her face.

"How are you feeling?"

"Like crap," I muttered, trying to chuckle to show I wasn't so serious. But it failed to even pass my lips, and her expression grew stronger.

"I'm sorry about Henry," she continued, as if taking responsibility for him. "I don't know why he told you that."

I gave her a long stare before replying. "He was just saying what other people were already thinking."

She looked down, and I knew, along with Bella and Edward, she thought something was there, too. I sighed, not wanting to make her feel bad for thinking the same thing as everyone else.

"Its fine," I said, trying to think of something suitable to say. "I'd probably be the same."

Glancing back up at me, she gave me a look that said she disagreed, and I guess a part of me knew I wouldn't have been like that at all. But when she turned back and looked towards the house, I knew she was sensing the change of subject we both wanted.

"We have to leave soon, won't you come back inside for a little while?" she said, pleading with me.

I sighed, looking towards the house as well. Was Henry still in there? What was Alice doing? Was she talking to the others? Was she on her own? What did the others think to what they had seen? There were so many questions in my mind, yet I didn't verbalise a single one.

"Henry left after you went outside," she said, as if she was reading my mind now, too. "He felt bad for saying what he did, and he wanted to come out here and apologise to you. But I think he's going to wait before he talks to you again."

Nodding, I silently agreed to go back inside. I didn't walk as quickly as she did, but that didn't mean we got to the house any slower. I was incredibly anxious as we stepped back inside. It was as if I were expecting Alice to step out, or Edward's parents to shout at me, or even Emmett to make a comment regarding the way I'd spoken to his brother.

But as we walked in further, I realised that none of those were happening. Rosalie led me back into the room we'd slept in, and there I found Emmett and Edward on the couch, sitting in silence. Bella and Alice were nowhere to be seen, and it was then I realised they were probably still upstairs.

They both looked at me, but it was Emmett who spoke first, and I braced myself for whatever it was he wanted to say.

"I'm sorry about my brother," he murmured, his apologetic expression shocking me. "He's a fucking idiot, and I swear to God I'm going to beat the crap outta him later."

_What_? He was on my side? That surprised me; I hadn't been expecting him to say that at all.

"Just leave it, please," I mumbled as I fell down onto the chair I'd sat in the night before. The space next to me felt incredibly empty, and I tried not to think about the state Alice was in upstairs. My hands were shaking, and I wanted to leave the room, run upstairs and just see her. But I couldn't because if she wanted to see me, she wouldn't be upstairs in the first place.

Emmett grunted but didn't say anything more; I could tell he didn't agree with me. The silence that fell over us all wasn't tense, or awkward, but I didn't like it nonetheless. They were going to be leaving today, and we were supposed to be spending our last hours together in a happy setting.

"What times are the flights?" I asked them, breaking the silence.

"Mine's first," Rosalie said, not sounding pleased about that. "Emmett is going to travel to the airport with me, and then his parents are meeting him there afterwards. I think Bella's is after that, right, Edward?"

Edward nodded. "I'm going with Bella and Charlie to the airport. My flight isn't till after Emmett's, so my parents will do what Emmett's are, and meeting me there nearer to my flight time."

"So you're saying goodbye to Edward and Bella here?" I said, directing the question at Rosalie.

She grimaced, and I could tell she wasn't looking forward to it at all. "Yes, I have to say goodbye to you and Alice here, too. I hate that I'm the first to go."

Emmett pulled her closer and placed his arms around her, their expressions sombre.

"It's the first time in nearly twelve years that we won't be studying in the same school," Rosalie murmured, her eyes filling with tears as she spoke. Emmett kissed her forehead then whispered something into her ear.

I looked away from them knowing that what Rosalie said related to me, too. Just before I started at Forks High, I'd had the same thought – it was going to be the first time in nearly thirteen years that I hadn't been in the same school as Peter, Charlotte and Maria.

Knowing now was not the time to think about Maria, I looked over at the door where I heard footsteps coming towards it. I braced myself, wondering if it was going to be Alice. But when Bella stepped in alone, it dawned on me that Alice was trying to avoid me. That realisation made nausea roll through my stomach.

"Dad just called, he said he wants me to go home," she said, addressing everyone, yet her eyes travelled over Emmett and Rosalie. I could tell she was dreading the goodbyes just as much as the rest of them.

"I guess that means we have to go," Edward announced, his voice quiet. I looked around at the faces in the room, and grimaced when I realised in a few minutes, they'd all be gone, and I wouldn't see them for months.

They stood up, and though I was nearest to the door, I was the last to leave the room. I knew the reason for that was a mixture of things. First, I didn't want to face Alice because I knew she wasn't going to be handling this situation very well and second because I didn't want to say goodbye to any of them.

I found myself holding my breath as I stepped into the main hallway where it had all happened. I spotted Alice immediately, as if my eyes were drawn to her. She looked at me at exactly the same time, and I knew, the moment she looked away from me, that everything between us was gone.

Her eyes were bloodshot, and she looked paler than she normally did. She looked _ill_ and when the light hit her cheeks, I saw that they were still wet. Had she just started crying again, or did she not stop?

Feeling even more nauseated than earlier, I shuffled outside, following behind them all once again. There was an air of sadness surrounding us all as Bella, Edward, Emmett and Rosalie packed their overnight things into the cars.

When they stepped back from the cars, Bella and Rosalie were crying already, and when I looked at Alice – who was standing away from me – I saw that she was definitely crying now.

Edward wiped away Bella's tears while Emmett pulled Alice into an intense hug. I looked away from them, as if I was interrupting a private moment, and focused on Rosalie who was walking towards me.

"I hate goodbyes," she said, she hiccupping slightly. It looked as if she wanted to say something else, but all that came out was a strangled sob I knew she had been trying to hold back.

I stepped forward and put my arms around her. She reacted straight away, hugging me back tightly.

"I'm going to miss you so much, Jasper," she sobbed. "I'll miss you just as much as everyone else."

Knowing it was what she needed, I hugged her tighter, showing her that I liked what she had just said. "I'm going to miss you, too, Rosalie."

She pulled back, her eyes absolutely swimming with tears. "If you need me or you want to talk, just call, okay?"

"Of course," I replied, as my voice broke slightly as I spoke. She nodded quickly then turned away, obviously going to say goodbye to someone else – she went towards Bella and Alice.

It was like we were taking it in turns to say goodbye, and in a different situation, it could have been funny.

Edward was the next to come up to me. "I didn't get to say this earlier, but thank you for telling me. It means a lot to know that you trust me."

A small smile made its way onto my face. "I just needed someone else to understand, and I do trust you, but I don't think I'm ready to tell anyone else about it yet."

He nodded quickly. "Don't worry; I'm not going to tell anyone. You told me in confidence, I wouldn't break that."

I breathed out a sigh of relief, though I already knew that he wouldn't tell anyone – Edward wasn't like that.

"Thank you," I said in a quiet voice.

He smiled then stepped forward. "Come here."

This time it wasn't a comforting hug, as such, it was a goodbye hug between friends, and I could definitely feel the difference.

"Hugging me again, Edward? You know the rumours will spread like wild fire," I told him, pulling away moments later. It was meant to be a joke, but my voice was tired, and the amusement died quickly.

He gave me a long stare. "Shut up."

Despite my mood, I laughed at his response. I was going to miss him in the next few months.

Emmett ambled over to us and from the creases next to his eyes, I knew he was worried.

"I don't know how I'm going to let her go off on her own later," he murmured, looking at Rosalie as he spoke. "I don't think she is going to stop crying, and there is nothing I can do."

"I know," Edward said with a quiet sigh. "They have known each other longer than any of us. It will be so hard to see them go separate ways."

Emmett nodded. "It will be so quiet here once we've gone." He looked at me as he went on. "It'll just be you and Alice."

As I looked at Alice, I wondered what it was going to be like when they weren't here anymore. I'd thought it would be the same as it was before, but after what happened earlier with Henry, I wasn't so sure anymore.

Edward was called over by Bella, so as he left us to it, Emmett pulled me away from the group. I knew he meant business when he looked around to check whether anyone was listening before speaking.

"You better look after her, Jasper," he told me, his voice deadly serious. I had to hold back a sarcastic response. Was it not apparent how there wasn't anything I _wouldn't _do for Alice? Even after what happened today.

"You know the answer to that, Emm," I replied, thinking of what he had said earlier on this morning to Edward.

"Yeah, well, you better," he warned. "Don't be foolish and assume that just because we are friends that I won't come back here and beat your skinny ass into the ground if you don't. I will."

"Emmett, I _promise_ I will look after her," I told him sincerely.

He nodded in acceptance and then looked over at Alice who was talking to Edward. "Whatever is going on between you two, sort it out."

"Come October, she…" He looked down, his expression telling me he was struggling for the right words. "She will need you. I would come back if I could, but it's too early in the year. So just…don't let her do anything stupid."

I swallowed over the dryness in my throat. He wasn't about to admit it, but I knew that he was scared something would happen, just as it had happened on Robbie's birthday last year. By coincidence, he was subconsciously referring to Maria's anniversary, too.

"I know," I told him. "I'll be there for her."

He nodded, satisfied with my response. "Now that's out of the way, I guess all that's left is goodbye."

He pulled me forward and gave me one of his trademark hugs, slapping me on the back as he moved away.

"I'm going to miss having you around, Jasper," he continued, sincere. "Remember what I said."

Looking him dead in the eye, I tried to show him that I understood. When he clapped his hand down on my shoulder, I knew that he had. From the corner of my eye, I saw Bella moving towards us, and knowing that she didn't have to say goodbye to Emmett yet, I knew she was coming to say goodbye to me.

Emmett left us alone and went to join Edward, Rosalie and Alice. I returned my attention to Bella who had stopped in front of me. She bit her bottom lip into her mouth, whilst her fingers fiddled with the sleeve of her jacket.

"Jasper…I'm sorry for the way things have been between us," she began, sounding truly apologetic. "I've been thinking about it for a while, and…I don't want to leave without us at least talking about it. I wasn't really going about things the right way a couple of months ago."

I shook my head slowly. "I'm not exactly innocent in all this. The way I acted, it was inexcusable at times, so I'm sorry, too."

A faint smile formed on her face. "Can we start again?"

"You're back in December, right? How about we go from there?" I proposed, realising that I really did want that to happen. We hadn't ever really been very close to each other, but in the past month or so, things had been _different_, and I'd liked the change.

"That sounds good to me," she murmured, the smile still on her face. But then she looked in Alice's direction, and I watched the smile slip away. "Give her some time to think, okay? I know you want to talk to her, but…maybe leave it a couple of days."

I couldn't answer her because I didn't know what to say. She wanted me to leave it a couple of days? She'd known Alice her whole life, and a part of me knew I had to listen to what she was saying. She knew when Alice needed space. I'd dealt with grief and depression, but this? It was out of my control.

From the corner of my eye, I saw Edward signalling us over. We joined the rest of them and straight away I knew that it was time for them to go. Emmett obviously noticing this, too, slowly placed his arm around Rosalie, who seemed to breakdown into tears even more.

"I hate this," Rosalie whispered as she looked at each of us in turn. Bella, Alice and Edward nodded in agreement as Emmett kept a worried gaze on his girlfriend. I knew this was going to be hard for him, for all of them.

It all happened so quickly then – quicker than I wanted it to. Rosalie and Emmett both hugged me once again; Rosalie's being longer than Emmett's. But the hug Rosalie gave me wasn't anything compared to the one she gave Alice and Bella. Emmett had to pull her away from them after a while, or else they would have been late. I could tell from the look on his face that it was incredibly hard for him to do that.

They were the first to get into the car, as Edward and Bella hugged Alice. Not expecting it, Bella gave me a hug, too, before getting into the passenger seat of Edward's car.

That left Edward.

"Look after yourself, Jasper," he murmured so that only I could hear. I nodded, feeling a lump form in my throat.

_Fuck_. I didn't want them to go.

I wanted to say something more to him, but no words came, and all I could do was watch him get in the car.

Emmett and Rosalie were the first to leave, and then Edward and Bella followed right after them. I watched until they went out of sight, but even then I didn't know what to do with myself.

It was only when I heard Alice's sobs that I snapped out of it. I moved towards her, wanting to hold her – comfort her, but she sensed that I'd gotten closer and looked in my direction.

The sadness in her eyes made me stop, and when she whispered, "Goodbye, Jasper," I think my heart damn near split in two. She turned away from me quickly then. I wanted to call after her, but she got away from me swiftly, whereas my body felt as if I couldn't move an inch.

My body froze, the muscles in my arms tensing and re-tensing over and over. Somehow I moved forward, but only once Alice was out of sight, too.

I couldn't remember which way I walked; my mind was too crowded for that to happen.

All I could think about was the thoughts revolving around in my mind, spinning and twisting, making me feel sick.

_Mom. Dad. Emily. Alice. Maria. Mom. Alice. Dad. Emily. Maria. Alice._

Their faces flashed through my vision, like a ride at the fair, faster and faster. Alice's face suddenly became more prominent, and her voice rang in my ears, as if she'd just spoken the words to me.

_Robbie_.

_I said his name_.

_Goodbye, Jasper_.

Then I saw the faces of my friends, old and new. They all held a common ground now – I wouldn't see any of them for months.

I gasped for breath, wrapping my arms around my body. It was as if I were trying not to fall apart, even when I felt as if I was tearing at the seams.

Somehow, I found my way home, but I had to take a moment to actually open the door and close it behind me.

I stepped forward, but stopped and stared ahead of me, not seeing a thing. There was a movement to my left, and my father stepped into the hall. He tried talking to me, but I couldn't comprehend what he was saying, it was just a buzz in the back of my mind.

"Jasper." It was my father's voice, and suddenly I could hear it loud and clear.

_Jasper, I don't know what I'd do without you._

_I've come to make amends for what I did._

_Ignore my calls all you want, but don't ignore Charlotte's – she doesn't fucking deserve that._

_I'm so sorry._

I shook my head as the voices – memories – threaded through me. _What was happening to me?_ I couldn't handle the memories; I didn't want to hear their voices now. I covered my ears, my fingers painfully gripping my hair at the same time.

But it didn't stop.

_I'm lonely, Jasper_.

_You have to let this go, Jasper, accept it's going to happen and make these last months happy._

"Jasper, what are you doing?"

_I'm sorry you're not happy_.

"Stop it!" I cried, scrunching my eyes shut, as I gripped my hair tighter. But closing my eyes did nothing to stop it at all. In fact, it made it worse, and flashes of their faces, Texas, Maria's grave, the hospital and my mother, lying unconscious on her bed, went through my mind.

Tears leaked out from under my closed eyelids as I gasped, "_Stop,_ I can't deal with this!"

I felt a hand on me, but I blindly pulled away.

I heard my name being called again; he was closer now, but I tried to move away from him. His voice was bringing back memories – happy memories, but even those were tormenting.

"No. _No,_" I said as I gasped for breath. It felt like someone was repeatedly punching me in the chest. I could barely breathe, and it was as if the walls were closing in around me, suffocating me completely.

"Jasper?" But this time it was Mom, and her voice broke through it all. "Jon, _stop_. Can't you see something is wrong?"

I tried to move forward, her voice was like a comfort to me – a beacon. But my legs were weak, and I felt them buckle beneath me. Not opening my eyes, or removing my hands to brace the fall, I slumped forward onto the floor.

Mom cried my name, and suddenly she was at my side, pulling me into her lap. Her fingers closed around mine, and she pried them away from my hair. She then placed her arms around me, and it was then that I realised my whole body was shaking.

My hands, now free from my hair, curled into tight balls, and as the relentless tears streamed from my eyes, I lost control of everything.

* * *

**A/N****: *hides* God, Alice, why did you have go and say Robbie's name?**

**Let's recap:**

**- Alice said Robbie's name**

**- Jasper argued with Henry**

**- Jasper told Edward about Maria**

**- Edward hugged Jasper – twice!**

**- Bella and Jasper agreed to restart their friendship**

**- Bella, Edward, Emmett and Rosalie left for college**

**- Alice walked away with just a 'goodbye, Jasper'**

**- Jasper had a breakdown**

**The breakdown isn't so serious that he needs medical attention. I wouldn't know how to write about that kind of thing, and I'd certainly never do it justice. I know that sounds like a cop out, but adding that on top of everything else going on in this story, I'd never keep on top of it.**

**To, um, 'lighten' the mood. You get to request a special teaser if you correctly guess which character said these:**

_Jasper, I don't know what I'd do without you_.

_I've come to make amends for what I did_.

_Ignore my calls all you want, but don't ignore Charlotte's – she doesn't fucking deserve that_.

_I'm lonely, Jasper_.

_You have to let this go, Jasper, accept it's going to happen and make these last months happy_.

_I'm sorry you're not happy_.

**I took out the 'I'm so sorry' one – that was Edward, but I don't think you'd have gotten that correct. Three are taken from somewhere in this story, and the other three are solely from Jasper's memories.**

**Anyway, as always, review and you'll get a teaser to the next chapter. Aim: 665.**

**During the week until the next update, you can check out 'Lost in Orbit: Side Orders' (if you haven't already). It's just for outtakes and other things taken from this story. There are three in there so far. You can find it on my profile.**

**Sorry for the long A/Ns. No bricks.**


	50. Chapter 49

****

A/N**: Chapter 49!**

**First, I'd like to thank vegetarianvamps for pre-reading through this chapter. It was incredibly hard for me to write, and I had so many reservations, but she made me feel so much better about it. There is a hell of a lot of heavy dialogue, and those kinds of chapters are always quite hard to write, for me, at least.**

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. You know I love you hard. Koko23cat? Thanks to her I now have over 700 reviews. She's been storming through all 48 chapters in the past week, and right now, I want her babies. *nods***

**Disclaimer****: *winks at Jasper* in my mind, you're **_**all **_**m****ine…and minus a few items of clothes. *turns around to see Stephenie Meyer staring at me, shaking her head disapprovingly***

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 49 - Your Happiness, It's All I Want**

**29****th**** August 2009**

**Jasper POV**

I'd stopped shaking a little while ago, but still, I didn't stop crying. Mom was gently rocking me, whispering things to me that I didn't quite hear. My thoughts were still all over the place, but they were calmer than they had been.

"Can you help me get him upstairs?" It was Mom's voice. "No, we need to talk, and he won't say a word if he knows you're just outside. So, please, just help me get him to his room."

I hadn't heard what he said; I could only assume he had questioned her. But I focused little on that as I thought about what she'd said about talking to me. I knew what that meant.

"Jas, you need to open your eyes now, okay?" She brushed her fingers across my cheek, through my hair and even along my arms – all the things that used to soothe me as a child, and it worked.

My eyelids fluttered open, but apart from that, I didn't move. I felt her hands on my arm, trying to coax me up.

Then seconds later, I felt a different hand on me. "Come on, kiddo, it's time to get you upstairs," he murmured as he pulled me to my feet. I didn't fight him because I realised I _couldn't_.

His voice, his smell and even the fact he'd called me _kiddo_ brought back painful, _happy _memories, and as the tears leaked from my eyes, I let him lead me. As soon as we were in my room, I went straight to the bed and sank into it.

I noticed him glance around the room, but he didn't say anything as Mom followed us in moments later.

"Wait downstairs," she told him before turning to me and sitting on the bed. Neither of us watched as he left the room, shutting the door behind him.

"Right, Jas," she began softly. "We're going to forget the stubbornness – that's staying outside. We're going to ignore the urge to bypass certain subjects and anything else that gets in the way because you and I are going to talk, okay?"

I nodded my head, knowing she was right. We had to leave it all outside, and we had to talk.

"Should we start with what happened today?" When I didn't answer her, she said my name gently and made me sit up so that I couldn't hide my face from her. I could tell she was about to say something more, to encourage me to speak, but I held my hand up to her. I had to work out how I was going to tell her what happened, first.

"My friends – Edward, Emmett, Bella and Rosalie – they left for college today." I paused for a moment, and she didn't respond apart from a quick nod of her head. She'd known that already. "It was harder to say goodbye to them than I thought it would be. I didn't want them to go."

"I can understand how hard that is to say goodbye to people you're close with," she told me, a sympathetic look in her eye. "Just think, they'll be back in December, and I'm sure you'll be able to talk to them during the next few months."

She was right, and I guess I'd already known that we'd keep in contact over the coming months. If I was honest, the fact they'd left only added to what happened, and being that Mom hadn't said anything more, I knew that she'd known that, too.

"Emmett's older brother, Henry, had been invited over there, too." I saw her brow furrowing, and I could tell what she was thinking.

"Was he-" But I stopped her by nodding quickly.

"Yes, it was the same guy from April." We might have said we'd leave it all outside, but I still didn't want to hear her say it. I continued. "He told me he wanted to talk to me, and I thought it going to be about April, but instead he…he said that I liked Alice. I denied it, but he kept at it, and after that, it was all I could think about.

"Later, when we'd gone to sleep, Alice had a nightmare, so I took her outside, away from everyone else. We fell asleep again outside; we were on the same chair." A frown spread across my face as I remembered that _she _had been the one to suggest we sat right next to each other. "When she woke up, she thought I was him. She said his name."

"Whose name did she say?" Mom asked, confused.

I shouldn't have been surprised to find she couldn't work it out. "She said _Robbie_. Do you remember I told you someone died last year at school? She thought I was him."

My brow creased together, and regretted thinking about what happened next. "It really…_hurt_. I got up; I left her there and went inside. Henry came out, and I got so angry, Mom, I shouted at him and they all heard. Edward, Emmett, Bella, Rosalie, Alice, even Edward's parents, they all heard what I said to him."

Mom moved forward and pulled me closer, embracing me tightly. I felt my eyes watering once again, and I tried to hold them back. I couldn't cry, I _couldn't_, I was a fucking mess as it was, and the tears were just making things worse.

"I couldn't handle it, so I left – I went back outside," I continued, knowing that I had to keep going. "Edward came out a little while later. He said Henry had gone, and Alice was upstairs with Bella. I told him about Maria, I just…I needed someone to understand."

She seemed surprised by this. "You haven't mentioned Edward much before today. You must be close to him."

I nodded and looked down at my lap. She'd sat back in her original position now, and I could tell she was waiting for me to continue.

"She barely looked at me when I went inside," I said in a quiet voice. "She'd been crying, and after everyone left, she just said goodbye and walked away. What if I've lost here, Mom? I can't…I…I need her."

"You haven't lost her, Jas. You just need to talk to her and explain what happened," she assured me, sounding so sure that what she said was true. "But _do_ you like Alice?"

My teeth nipped at my bottom lip as I really thought about it. _Did _I like Alice? I was comfortable with her, I needed her around, but that didn't mean I liked her. She was my friend, the best friend I had here. She was beautiful, it was impossible not to notice that.

There were moments where I thought _maybe I do like her_, but this decision right here, it shouldn't have been this hard to work out. If I liked her, it should have been instant, a definite answer.

"I don't know," I finally said, a frown still on my face. "I don't think so. But there is something, and Henry saw it."

_Other people see it, too_, I wanted to add, but I didn't. The fact there _was_ something people noticed, worried me, and made me feel nervous. Alice wasn't ready, nor was I, not really. She was scared, too, and adding stronger feelings into the equation would mess up an already tangled situation.

It would _definitely_ mess things up, but it was going to happen. I could feel it already.

I sat there for a long moment, frowning to myself before Mom touched my hand with hers, getting my attention.

"What happened today wasn't the only thing that got you, we both know that. I think it's time we talk about your father. Let's start with this: You said that you hated him."

"I do hate him," I said, not meeting her eye now.

"Hate is a strong word, Jasper," she replied. "I thought I hated him. I thought I hated him for walking out on our family, our marriage, for what he did to you, for making Emily grow up without a father and even for my own problems. Though, of course, that last one only started with him.

"But I don't hate him. I tried to, when he first came back, and a part of me probably _did_ then. I told myself I'd never let him back into our lives, but things changed."

_She couldn't hate him?_ "How can you not hate him?" I whispered. "He left us, Mom. Emily was just a baby! He couldn't even be there for her first birthday. You might be able to let him back in, but I can't."

Her hand found mine as I finished. "I'm sorry, Jas, sometimes I think the betrayal you felt was stronger than the one I did. It hit you so hard when he left us. At least I knew something was wrong and going downhill. You didn't know a thing."

She let out a sigh. "You were so close to him, a daddy's boy, always were. Emily would have been the same; I can see it in the way she is with you."

As she finished, I was thrown into the memories I'd been trying to hold back. The memories of when it was just me and my father having fun. _Happiness_. Being on his shoulders as a child, wishing that one day, I would grow up to be as tall as him. Playing football and baseball in the backyard, just the two of us. The ring I'd bought him when I was nine, _number one dad_. The promise he'd made me that same day: _I'll teach you how to ride a motorcycle one day, kiddo_.

He never did.

"I waited for him to come back," I whispered. "Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I'd get up and look out the window, to see if his bike was there, or I'd walk passed your bedroom door, just in case I could hear him talking to you. But all I would hear was you crying, and I'd know he still hadn't returned."

I squeezed her hand as I finished, she was crying now, and that alone told me I couldn't tell her what else I used to do. Like how I used to call his cell – the one he'd left behind, just to hear the sound of his voice when it went to the answering machine. I used to charge the cell battery, just so it didn't die. She'd caught me with it once, smashed it to pieces the next day. I never did tell her what I'd been doing with it, and for a brief moment, I'd actually hated her for taking away my one connection with him.

Every morning I would wake up, doing the same as I did at night, running to the window to see if his bike was back. Every night I would pray that tomorrow, he would return.

"I missed him, I missed him so much in those first months that he was gone," I admitted to her finally. "I tried not to show it to you, though, because it felt as if I was betraying you in some way by wanting him to come back."

"I know you missed him, sweetheart," she whispered, brushing away a tear on my cheek with her free hand.

"But he didn't come back, did he, Mom?" I met her watery gaze. "Not for Christmas, your birthday, Emily's…mine. Fourteen years, and he didn't care enough to even send me a card. So I taught myself not to care about him, either, and that lack of caring turned into hatred, and that hatred…it turned into this."

"I don't agree with that, just so you know. He should have sent you a card, a present…_something_." She shook her head wearily. "It still makes me feel angry to know he did that to you and Emily. That's mainly what I argued with him about when he first came back – the way he deserted his family, his children."

"When you relapsed?" I said in a quiet voice. When we'd first addressed this, she never did confirm it. She didn't need to, but still, this was going to be the first time we really spoke about it without being angry at each other. No, correction: without _me_ being angry and Mom crying because of what I was saying to her.

"Yes, it was because of him." She looked down at her lap, as if she was ashamed of finally admitting it. "I had been so shocked when he first turned up. I hit him and left him where he stood."

"Good. He deserved it," I interrupted, feeling a surge of pride that she'd lashed out at him. It was twisted, I knew that, but I didn't fucking care.

"Jasper," she said softly, making me pipe down again. "He did deserve it; I won't disagree with you there. But he didn't give up. He followed me, kept trying to talk to me. I ignored him as best I could, and when I got back to the house I threw a few choice words at him, telling him that he had to get out of my sight before you came back home, or else there would be hell to pay."

The corner of my mouth twitched momentarily. My mother had the tendency to be fierce when she wanted to be, so I could only assume what she had been like in that moment with him.

"I knew it wasn't going to be the last time I saw him," she continued, a faint smile on her face. "Even after everything, I knew he wasn't going to give up this time. He kept coming back – never to the house, mind, but he would find me when I was walking back from work. I refused to talk to him every time. I was just so _angry_ at him, as you are now, and if I'd talked to him before I did, I'd probably have tried to kill him with my bare hands."

She was silent for a while, and I didn't break it. She'd never told me that before, in fact, she'd never told me anything regarding what she felt when my father left. I knew it tore her apart, I'd heard her crying each night. But years later, I never knew how she felt about him.

I shouldn't have been surprised to see that she'd been as angry as I had been when he first returned.

"July thirteenth, that's when I let him in. The house was empty, you were out with your friends in Port Angeles, and Emily had been invited over to play at a friend's house." She stopped, her eyes watering again as she gripped my hand tightly. "It was the worst argument I've ever had - the worst I'll _ever_ have, I'm sure. Now, I'm not saying this so that it will justify what I did. But I hope it will help you to understand why just a little better.

"It was the worst thing I could have ever done in that moment, and I kept telling myself that Emily was downstairs and that I wasn't going to follow my husband down that road. But after the argument, I'd hit rock bottom, and I wasn't strong enough to stop it from happening."

She started to cry heavier now, and I wondered who else she'd ever told this to. Did she talk about it at the meetings? Did they all know, before I did? Pushing that thought to the back of my mind, I moved closer and put my arm around her shoulder, pulling her into my side.

"You _are_ strong, Mom," I whispered over the lump that had just formed in my throat. "You realised what was happened and you got help. That's something he never did when we were a family. You're stronger than him."

"Thank you, Jas," she murmured, sniffling, as she turned, rubbed her hand on my cheek and kissed it lightly. "You're a good boy, a good son."

But I shook my head. "No, I wasn't there for you, Mom, not how I should have been. You should have told me, I would have taken some of the burden from you. I would have been there for you on the thirteenth."

"I know, Jas, I know I should have told you. I see that now," she said with a sigh. "But I didn't because you were happy again, that's all I ever want is for you to be happy. I know I was lying to you, but I did it for your best interest, Emily's, too. Your happiness comes before mine, _always_, even though, at times, it doesn't seem that way right now."

She took a deep breath before continuing. "I knew that if I told you, then you would react exactly as I had when he first turned up. That wouldn't have been a good atmosphere for Emily to live in, but also, I kept asking myself: What if he left again? What if I told you that he had returned and then he leaves us all over again? It would tear you apart and I couldn't do that to you. I had to make sure he was really staying with us before I told you."

The room fell into silence as she finished. I didn't have a response to give her, I was still taking it all in, and I knew Mom was giving me the time to think. It made sense, what she was saying; I could understand where she was coming from. I would have reacted the same way I had when he first came to talk to me, maybe I wouldn't have been _as_ angry, but I still wouldn't have been civil with him. It certainly wouldn't have been a good atmosphere for Emily.

Just thinking about it, I knew that the latter part had been true, too. If she'd told me, and I'd gotten used to the idea of him being around, I wasn't sure how I would have coped with him leaving again. Even now, I wasn't sure what it would do it be if he left again.

But one thing I couldn't understand was why they had gone about telling me the way they had.

"Why did you tell him to come and talk to me whilst I was at work?" I asked slowly, feeling anxious as to how she was going to answer me.

Something flashed across her expression. "Did he say that I told him to approach you at work?" she asked a little abruptly, taking me by complete surprise.

I frowned. "No. I didn't know you'd even found out he was in Forks when he came to speak to me. I just don't understand why you went about it that way. You kept it to yourself for nearly two months, and to me, it feels like that was all wasted when he suddenly reappeared in my life without any warning. It was exactly what he did with you."

"I didn't want you to find out that way," she told me, sounding slightly angry again. "After my relapse, your father and I started to work through our problems, and ever since that moment I wanted to be the one to tell you, to introduce you to the topic of your father myself. But your father, well, he missed his children too much, and he wanted to tell you and Emily sooner than I did."

I wanted to interrupt her again. I wanted to comment on the fact it was _his _fault he missed me and Emily. He shouldn't have fucking left. But I didn't say anything, and instead, I let Mom continue explaining what happened.

"He said he saw you a few times walking back from work. He wanted to approach you then, but I told him not to-"

"That would have been worse," I said, not bothering for her to even finish her sentence this time. "I don't know what I would have been like if he'd suddenly appeared in front of me from nowhere. At least when he actually came to speak to me, I had been expecting _someone_."

She nodded, obviously agreeing with what I'd just said. "I'd have preferred it if you'd been expecting _him_. If things had gone the way I'd planned, I would have told you, and then let you decide the time and place you saw him."

"So what changed?" I asked, feeling suddenly disappointed that it hadn't panned out the way wanted it to. "What made him come to the shop and ruin whatever you had planned?"

"He wanted to see you, to talk to you," she said simply. "He couldn't wait for you and Emily to find out that he was back and wanted to be a family again."

I laughed. It reminded me of the heartless one I'd directed him when he had told me the exact same thing.

"Did he really think I'd welcome him back with open arms?" I asked, slightly bitter once again.

She shook her head. "I don't think he knew what he was expecting when he went to see you. What I do know is that he didn't foresee the way you reacted. When he came back, he told me what happened. I was furious with him, naturally, but he looked so shocked, I don't think he really heard me shouting at him.

"When you were younger, he used to be able to bring you down from any heights, no matter how furious you were," she said, looking at me once again. "But when he went to see you, he had no control at all. That's when it really hit him that things had changed, that we all had. You weren't the son he remembered."

I closed off for a moment. Of course I wasn't the son he remembered. I had been happy before he left. I had been naïve to depression, pain, and grief. I hadn't known any of that when I was fourteen. If only he'd stayed, gotten the help he needed. He would have been there for me when Maria told me she had Leukaemia, and more importantly, when she died.

"I don't know if I can let him back in. Sometimes, I…sometimes I want to," I whispered, my brow pulling together as I spoke. "But after everything that's happened…I just look at him and I feel so angry, Mom. So many things changed when he left, so many things that I needed him there for. I can't forgive him for leaving, for what he did to us all."

I heard Mom sighing beside me, and then for her to shift so that she could face me. There was a sad look in her eyes, but an understanding, too.

"I know," she said sadly. "That's what I worry about, that you won't be able to accept him back into your life. If you don't want to see him, we can work around that. He won't visit while you're home, and only when you want to see him, you will. If that's what you want, then that's what we'll do."

I shook my head slowly, biting at my lip. I knew that having him around made Mom happy, and to make her do this, well, it would make her unhappy. If I told her that's what I wanted, she would do it, without a doubt. But like she said with me and Emily, at the end of the day, all I wanted was for her to be happy again.

"We're going to be taking this slowly, I promise," she said, pulling me from my thought. "There are years ahead of us all, we have time to work through this at your pace."

In that instant, I thought of Maria. "You don't know that, you can't be sure we have years ahead of us. Anything could change."

"Hey," she said sternly, moving forward to take my face in her hands, making me look her in the eyes. "Don't talk like that, okay? Jas, don't you ever talk like that again."

I felt my eyes water at the mere thought of it. A tear fell from my eye, and as she had done many times today, she pulled me into a tight embrace. I buried my head into her shoulder, squeezing my eyes shut. The thought of losing her, Emily, even _him_ downstairs, I couldn't bear it.

We sat like that for a long time. She ran her hand up and down my back, calming me. I was comfortable, like that, and I knew that if I wanted to, I could have fallen asleep there and then.

After a moment, she pulled back to look me in the eyes again. "I'm not going anywhere, okay? And no matter what, I'm always going to be in here-" she placed her hand over my heart as she spoke "-don't forget that."

I nodded slowly, and then without hesitation, I said, "I love you, Mom."

"I love you, too," she replied, a smile spreading across her face.

It was silent, and in that moment, I yawned, quickly running my hands over my face. My mouth was pretty dry, and even trying to swallow over it wasn't helping much. I knew I couldn't talk anymore, not only because my throat was sore but because I was tired and slightly drained. I couldn't keep going after everything we'd covered, and Mom sensed that.

"You should get some sleep," she said, patting my arm softly.

The idea in itself was more than tempting. I wanted to sleep, I wanted it so badly. I'd barely slept last night, and it was really catching up with me now. But then I remembered Emily, and I knew I couldn't close my eyes because then she'd be on her own. No, she'd be here with Mom, but _he'd_ be here, too, and she wasn't ready for that. She _needed_ me.

So I couldn't sleep.

"No. What about Emily?" I asked. My voice was hoarse now that I hadn't spoken for a minute. I tried sitting up, but she held me down. I was too worn out to fight against her, and soon I was back down on the bed.

"It's okay; I'll get Emily on my own. Just stay here and sleep, my baby, you need it," she whispered soothingly, trying to send me off to sleep.

I shook my head, my brow pulling together as I tried to summon the strength to keep my eyes open. Emily needed me; I had to stay awake for her.

"I can't. I have to…I must…"

Before I could complete the sentence, she pressed her finger to my lips, silencing me.

"I'll tell him to leave. I know you don't like Emily being alone with him, so I won't let him talk to Emily without you being there with her, I promise," she said, and just from hearing her say it, I knew that she was telling me the truth. It was a promise I could trust.

"Sleep now, peanut. I love you," she whispered, using the incredibly old nickname she'd graced me with when I was younger. She placed a kiss on my forehead, and the effect of it made me relax even further.

I felt the shift in the mattress as she stood up. I murmured out that I loved her, too, as my eyes drooped closed. I didn't open them again, not even when I heard Mom move away and close the door behind her.

* * *

**A/N****: What did you think of this chapter? Does it put the mother in a better light than she's been cast in during the past chapters? I hope it does, that was what I happened to be aiming for.**

**Let me know what you thought. I'll give you a teaser to chapter 50 in response. My aim: 729.**

**If you would like to see some outtakes, put 'Lost in Orbit: Sides Orders' onto alerts. Let me know if there is an outtake you'd like to read.**

**One final note, I did a search, and on this website, there are only about eleven or so Jalice stories that have over 1000 reviews. Maybe I'm wrong, but still, it's not going to be much more than that. Koko23cat and myself told each other that one day, we'll get our stories (Lost in Orbit and Take My Hand) over 1000 reviews. If you haven't read Take My Hand, and you're reading this, my question to you: What the hell are you doing? Jalice lovers get your butt over to her profile and read it. It's far better than this story ever will be.**

**(Since writing this A/N, she's actually read all forty-eight chapters in less than a week. Crazy chick, but I love her even more now.)**

**Anyway, reviewers: help us get to our target!**


	51. Chapter 50

**A/N****: Chapter 50!**

**Wow, I got 21 reviews for the last chapter. That's the first time I've ever got over 20 for a chapter in one go. Thank you, thank you, thank you.**

**Again, a big thank you goes to vegetarianvamps for reading through a certain part of this chapter. She knows how much I love her *smiles* Also, the sixth from bottom paragraph was written by koko23cat. I can't even begin to take credit for that amazing thing.**

**To my readers, I love you all, and even though I give you all this angst, I promise good things are to come in the end. I know there is a lot of Jasper POV at the moment, but I realised that from what is to come (in this chapter) it worked out better not to see what Alice is thinking. Trust me; there is a lot of Alice POV later on during the happier side of this story.**

***gasp* I just said happier, didn't I?**

**Another big chapter, so…I'm going to hide under a rock now. *tips imaginary hat and leaves***

**Disclaimer****: [In this space, please insert why Lonely-Soldier/FrozenSoldier is a Twilight fan, and not, in fact, Stephenie Meyer]**

* * *

**Chapter 50 - I'm Not Your Mr Perfect**

**30****th**** August 2009**

**Jasper POV**

My gaze followed the spider that was making its way across the ceiling. I had a feeling it was spinning a web, but from that far away, I couldn't quite see. After a while, the spider disappeared from my sight, and I sighed, rubbing at my tired eyes with the palms of my hands.

I hadn't slept long the night before, maybe three hours at the most. It seemed as soon as I fell asleep, the nightmare had hit me. Compared to the usual one I had, where I would wake up shaken and sweating, this mother fucker topped them all.

They'd all been there – Maria, Alice, Peter, Charlotte, Edward, Emmett, Rosalie and Bella, even Mom and Emily. They just kept getting further away from me, until suddenly they just fucking disappeared – all expect Maria, who, just like always, remained there, smiling and unreachable.

When I opened my eyes, it felt as if I was about to be sick. Maria had been the only one to stay with me, when in reality, she was the only who was truly gone. It was sick and twisted, and I wondered how the fuck my mind had conjured it up.

My thoughts were broken when I heard someone knock on my door. A second later, Mom came in.

"There's someone here to see you," she said with a slight tinge of cautiousness in her voice. My brow furrowed as I tried to work out who it was. Was it Alice? I could feel the tension in my body just from thinking about her, but then I realised that if it was Alice, then Mom would have said.

Besides, Alice wouldn't be here.

I got up from the bed and went out into the hallway, looking down the stairs to see who it was. A quick jolt travelled through me as I saw him.

"If you don't want to talk to him, I can tell him to leave," Mom continued, whispering now that we were in earshot. I stared at Henry for a long moment, wondering if I should take her up on that. But I knew that I had to at least hear him out.

As I made my way downstairs, Henry looked at me and straight away I noticed something different about him. He didn't look like he had the other day; he looked like he was regretting something.

"Can we talk?" he asked as I reached the bottom step. I gave him a long stare before agreeing. He went to say something more, but I stopped him and signalled towards the door.

"We'll talk outside."

He nodded, and together we made our way out. I made sure to shut the door behind me before turning back to him.

"What do you want to say, Henry?"

For a long moment, he just looked at me. "I'm going back to college later today, but I didn't want to go without first apologising for what I said to you. It wasn't my place to say it, and even if I think you two should be together, it's obvious you guys don't think the same. So, I'm sorry, I should have kept my mouth shut."

"Yeah, you should have done," I told him, then sighed because I was too fucking tired to be angry at him. "But what's done is done. There's no point going on about it now, it won't change anything."

His gaze travelled downwards yet again. "Have you talked to Alice?"

I sighed again, not really wanting to go into it with him, but also knowing I didn't really have a choice.

"I haven't talked to her since waking up yesterday," I replied, trying my hardest not to think about what had happened.

"Shit," he muttered, running his hands over his face. "Should I go talk to her? I could tell her what I said to you; make her see this isn't your fault."

I smiled weakly, wishing it was really that easy. "Thanks, but that's not why she doesn't want to talk to me."

He grimaced. "Robbie?"

"Yes. You saw what she was like when she found out." I paused, remembering the look on her face. "Bella told me to leave it a couple of days, but I could leave it a fucking week and I still wouldn't have a clue what to say to her."

It looked as if he was about to say something when the door opened behind me. I turned around to see Mom standing in the doorway with my cell phone in her hand. I was about to ask what she was doing when she began to speak.

"Your phone was ringing," she said, quickly glancing at Henry behind me. "I left it at first, but then he rang again. Here."

She handed me the phone then disappeared back inside. Without looking at the called ID, I put the phone to my ear.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Jas." It was Edward. "Are you busy? I can call back in a little while; I just wanted to see how things are going."

"Hang on a minute, Edward," I said as I turned to look at Henry. I covered the receiver and went to say something to Henry, but he beat me to it.

"I should be going," he said, looking at his watch. "I hope you and Alice sort things out."

I nodded, not knowing what else to say to him.

"I'm going to be back in December with everyone else," he continued, looking hesitant now. "Maybe I'll see you then."

"Yeah, maybe," I replied, unsure as to whether I _would_ see him in December. He seemed satisfied with my response, and with a quick nod of his head, he turned away and left.

I didn't watch him walk away.

"Sorry about that," I said as I brought the phone to my ear once again.

"It's alright," he replied. "I wasn't interrupting anything, was I?"

"Not anymore, Henry was here. He just left."

"You actually talked to that fucking idiot?" he asked in a far from friendly voice.

My eyes widened, taken aback. Edward didn't swear very often, so it shocked me to hear him speak like that about someone we knew. It shouldn't have surprised me so much; really, it wasn't as if I didn't swear like a trooper myself.

"What else was I going to do? He's Emmett's brother." I sighed. "I'm just...not in the mood to stay angry at him. I don't have the energy for that. Besides, I can't really blame him for thinking what he did. He wasn't the only one."

"What do you mean?" he asked, confused.

"I heard you and Emmett talking yesterday morning when you came to wake me and Alice up," I told him, trying to show him that I didn't mind in the tone of my voice. "I was already awake."

"Oh, God...sorry, Jas," he said awkwardly.

I smiled to myself. Of course he would try and apologise. "It's okay, really. It's better for me to know what you guys are thinking, anyway."

He didn't say anything for a while, and I wanted to ask him what he was thinking, but then he spoke.

"I guess, but still, I feel like an idiot for putting my foot in it. But anyway, what happened after we left yesterday?"

"Alice went home." I didn't say anything more, not knowing what else he expected to happen.

"What about you?" he went on.

I frowned. "What _about_ me? I'm fine."

He was silent again. "So you're saying when Alice left, you were completely fine? Did you talk to her?"

I didn't respond to him because I didn't want to lie. He knew I wasn't fine, I could hear it in the way he spoke, and I knew _he_ knew I hadn't talked to Alice, either. The only thing was I didn't want to go into what happened to me yesterday. I wasn't going to tell Alice, either...if we actually talked to each other soon, that is.

"I didn't talk to her. Once you left, she said goodbye and went home," I told him slowly. "Things got on top of me for a little while. But like I said, I'm fine now."

"Oh." There was a pause, and I knew he wanted to question me on it. He sounded worried; I could hear it in that one word. But he changed the subject instead, which I was grateful for. "What about today? Have you talked to her?"

"No, Bella told me to leave it a couple of days," I answered, using what Bella had told me as an excuse. It was either that, or admitting I didn't know what I wanted to say to her.

"I think you should go talk to her today," he said seriously, and it made me question _why _he thought I should talk to her.

I scoffed. "What exactly do you propose I say to her?_ I'm sorry_? What have I got to be sorry for? I didn't actually do anything. Should I be sorry that when she woke up, I made her think I was Robbie? Maybe I should go apologise to her for arguing with Henry? For fuck sake, what did I even do to make her block me like that?"

It all came pouring out with my anger as I begin to really think about it. I wasn't to blame here. I didn't actually do anything. Sure, I'd been thinking about what Henry said, and yes, I could have controlled my anger better, but what did I do to her? Why did I deserve her not even looking at me – leaving without even talking to me properly?

"Jas, just calm down for a minute," Edward said calmly. "She was hurting, that's all. You're right, it wasn't your fault. But imagine if it was the other way around. Imagine that you'd woken up, and for those few seconds, everything was okay because Maria was right next to you again. Then imagine when you fully woke up, you realised that it wasn't true at all, and in your brief moment of happiness, you'd managed to really hurt someone's feelings. Would you have wanted to talk to Alice, if she had been in your position? Or would you have wanted to just got out of there and be on your own?"

Speechless. I was fucking speechless.

Edward had a knack for doing that, for being calm and collected as he put someone in their place. It would have been something to admire about him if I hadn't been on the receiving end of it.

"If it were me, I'd want to get out of there as soon as I could," he continued, saving me from having to answer him. "I'm sure that the next day, I'd be wondering how to approach you. That's why I think you should go talk to her."

"I don't know what to say to her," I finally admitted, knowing he was waiting for me to respond this time.

He sighed. "Just tell her whatever comes to mind in that moment. I know that doesn't sound helpful right now, but trust me, when you're there and you see her, I'm sure you'll know what to say to her. Even if it _is _an apology, you say it."

Before he'd left, I told him I trusted him, and so I had to trust him with this. If he said it would come to me, then it would, no matter how dubious I thought it was. I had to go with him.

"Okay," I muttered, running my hands over my face as I did so. "I'll go talk to her later."

"Good. Let me know how it goes, alright?"

I nearly cracked a smile. "Yes, Edward, I will let you know how it goes."

We talked for a little while longer, mostly about his new room and what the people in his block were like. But after a while, he told me he had to go, and soon enough, I was heading back inside, knowing I had to go talk to Alice.

"Is everything okay?" Mom asked, coming out into the hallway to check on me. She looked worried, and I nodded quickly to reassure her.

"Henry told me he was sorry for what he said," I informed her. "I've forgiven him, I guess. There's no point in holding a grudge against him for it. Then Edward…well, he thinks I should talk to Alice."

"What do you think you should do?"

My brow furrowed as I really thought about it. I knew that I could take the easy way out and sit at home, waiting for her to make the first move. That wasn't the right thing to do, I knew that, but it was certainly an appealing option.

But I also knew that I had to be the one to talk to her first. She might have hurt me by saying Robbie's name whilst sleeping next to me, but what she'd heard me say to Henry afterwards had hurt her more, I was sure of it. If she hadn't heard us arguing, I would never have told her what happened when she woke up. She wouldn't have known, and in result of that, she wouldn't have walked away from me the way she had.

That was why I knew I had to make the first move.

"I have to go talk to her," I finally replied, pulling out of my thoughts. "I think I'm going to head there now. I can't keep putting this off any longer."

So after she told me to look after myself – after what happened yesterday – I slowly started making my way to Alice's house. I tried to think of what I was going to say to her when she opened the door, but all I could come up with was: we need to talk.

When she opened the door, she looked surprised, and I could instantly see the tired look in her eyes. She looked exhausted, and the bags under her eyes indicated that she'd slept the same amount of hours I had. It was completely silent between us, and to break the silence, I told her, "We need to talk."

It was awkward as I followed her into the main room and sat down on the couch next to her, not missing the gap that was still between us. The house was relatively quiet, so I knew we were the only ones there, which I was glad about. I didn't want to do this with the chance of someone overhearing us.

When I finally looked at her, I was surprised to see that Edward was right. Words did come to me, and yes, it was a fucking apology. But I had to say it, what else was there to say otherwise?

"I'm sorry," I whispered, knowing I had to elaborate on what exactly I was apologising for.

I took a deep breath. "I'm sorry that you had to see me shouting at Henry, the last thing I wanted was to upset you. I'm sorry that I didn't wake you up properly myself…I'm sorry you said his nam-"

Alice's gaze flickered to me sharply. "_What_?"

Her interruption took me by surprise. It was the first time she'd spoken to me since I'd arrived, and the tone of her voice, it was…abrupt. I didn't like it one bit.

"I said I was sorry you said his name," I told her slowly, staring at her in confusion when I saw a flash of something fiery flit across her expression.

"Why are you sorry I said his name?" she asked, staring right at me now.

I swallowed heavily, not knowing what was going on. I didn't like the way she was looking at me, nor did I like the tone of voice she used to speak to me. It made me feel uncomfortable, like I'd done something wrong. But what it was I'd done, I didn't know.

She continued when I didn't give her an answer. "Do you think _I'm_ sorry that I said his name?"

The heat drained from my face as her words sunk in. She wasn't sorry that she'd said his name, and a part of me hadn't expected her to be. But for her to say it so _bluntly_…it made it seem as if she didn't care that she'd hurt my feelings at all, and that realisation made me feel hurt, but more than that, it made me feel a little irritated. I was apologising, when I didn't even have to, and this was her only response.

"Obviously you're _not_ sorry," I said, trying to keep my voice from wavering as I spoke. "But maybe you could be a little more _considerate_ about it."

"What do you mean considerate?" she retorted, almost snapping the words at me as she said them. "What do I need to be considerate about?"

The muscle around my eye twitched. "Are you trying to tell me you can't remember what I said to Henry yesterday?"

This seemed to make her angrier still. "Of _course_ I remember! Do you really think I would _forget_ it?"

"Well, you're obviously forgetting something," I hissed, feeling resentment building up within me quickly. "If you knew I was referring to, _you _would have been the one apologising, not me."

"What exactly is it I'm supposed to be apologising for, then?" she demanded, her brow pulled together in a harsh manner.

I nearly let out a laugh, but I held the callousness back. "For mistaking me for Robbie, you shouldn't have even been thinking about him!"

One look at her expression and I covered my face with my hands. "_God_, you're _infuriating_ me!"

She stood up abruptly, her nostrils flaring as she breathed in and out. "You're angry that I still think about _him?_"

"You're twisting my words," I said through gritted teeth. "I'm angry that you said his name, not that you're still _thinking_ about him."

"Do you expect me to not say his name anymore, _is that it_?" she cried, her mouth opening in utmost disbelief and revulsion.

"Stop it!" I growled. "That's _not_ what I'm trying to say. Think about the fucking situation, Alice, I'm angry because of _when_ you said it!"

She continued to stare at me as if I was insulting her very existence, and in that moment, I wanted to grab her and shake some fucking sense into her. But instead I jumped up from my seat, turning away from her.

I ran my hands over my face quickly once again, speaking over my shoulder. "You just don't fucking understand this, do you?"

"No, you're right, I _don't _understand this!" Her voice was shrill; I grimaced at the sound of it. "I asked you if you were scared about things changing, but I didn't know you were already _thinking_ about it!"

I whipped around to face her once again. "Is it really such a bad thing to be thinking about it?"

"No, but there's a difference between thinking and doing something about those thoughts," she replied, her eyes narrowing into a glare as each word passed through her lips.

A sneer formed on my face, knowing my next response was going to be bitter. "You really think I was going to do something about it? Did you think I was going to try something with you, Alice? Did you?"

I could tell my words had stung when she didn't reply. She didn't do a very good job of hiding the reaction on her face, and for a moment, she just stared at me. I could see in her eyes, she was trying to find something to say that would hit me like mine had hit her.

"Henry wasn't the only one who thought that, you know?" I continued, wondering if she'd been blind enough to not notice all of our friends thought the exact same thing. "Bella does, Edward, Rosalie and probably Emmett, too. Did you ever think about that, huh?"

She looked shocked, and for the briefest of seconds, the anger in her expression was replaced with astonishment. But the dislike was back a moment later as she said, "That doesn't mean anything because none of them know about Maria!"

The silence that passed between us was palpable, and the second my eyebrow rose, she knew that what she said was wrong. Her expression dropped completely and she looked away from my harsh gaze.

"You're wrong," I stated in an impartial voice. "Edward knows, but I don't really see why it matters if they know about Maria."

She still didn't meet my stare, and for some reason, I got the feeling that she didn't like that I'd told someone else. Why she didn't like it, I didn't know, and probably wouldn't _ever_ know, but it angered me even more.

"I don't even want to go through this with you right now," I said, disgusted at the way she was acting towards me. I headed for the door, wanting to get out of there as soon as possible. So much for Edward telling me to go talk to her, how was I going to tell him all it managed to do was make things worse?

"You say her name as well."

I stopped moving at the sound of her now quiet voice, and looked back over my shoulder. "_What_?"

"The other week, you said her name in your sleep," she replied, her voice matching the stony expression she was wearing.

"That's _different_," I retorted quickly. How could she even bring that up and think it was the same thing? It was completely fucking different.

"How is it different?" She waved her hands as she spoke. "You said Maria's name, I heard it. I said Robbie's name, you heard it. It's exactly the same thing!"

My eyes nearly bugged out of their sockets as I realised she really was _that_ fucking clueless. I couldn't understand how she was so consistently ignoring that she'd really hurt me yesterday.

"It's different because I didn't call you Maria, did I?" I clenched my shaking hands by my side. "I didn't reach for you and say her name, thinking you were her, _did _I, _Alice_? That's what you did to me; _that's_ the fucking difference right there!"

I watched her jaw tense, and her chest begin to heave a little quicker. "Well, I'm _so_ sorry that it's such an insult that I thought you were Robbie!"

Hearing it, hearing the fake apology, it made something snap deep inside. She didn't realise, she didn't understand, and when I opened my mouth to respond, I didn't even think about what I wanted to say.

"It _is _a fucking insult that you thought I was _him_," I snarled, feeling the ruthless, bitter Jasper, which was buried deep down, rise up my throat like fire.

She hadn't been expecting me to say it; I could tell from the shocked, upset, _hurt_, expression on her face.

"I was asleep, Jasper," she whispered, tears now seeping from the corners of her eyes. "I couldn't help it."

The quiet voice, the tears, none of it mattered to me now; it did nothing to lessen the fury that was storming through my chest.

"Yes, but you were asleep with _me_!" I cried, slamming my hand against my chest to emphasise the point I was making. "That's the whole fucking point! Robbie is _dead_, Alice, he's _gone_, and we're completely fucking different!"

She choked on her tears as they began to fall faster, thicker.

I was hurting her, and I barely even registered it.

"I'm not your Mr Perfect."

Her brow pulled together as she used the back of her hand to wipe at her wet cheek. "Mr Perfect?"

The quick laugh I barked out made her flinch. "Don't act like you didn't put him on a pedestal. He was the perfect boyfriend, with his perfect little family and perfect girlfriend. His life was all sunshine and happiness and he was just _so fucking amazing_. Well, news flash for you, Alice, he _wasn't_!"

"_Stop it_!" she screamed, and straight away I knew something had snapped inside her, too. "You don't know _anything_ about him! You weren't here!"

"I saw enough to know he was a jerk!" I spat the words at her as my hatred for Robbie reared its head once again. "Don't for a _minute_ say you can't remember the way he acted towards me."

She let out a strangled cry of rage. "That's because he knew you'd do this!"

"What?" I cried incredulously, waving my hand between us. "What the fuck is _this_, Alice?"

In the seconds after I finished, she didn't say anything. I didn't let her; I didn't give her the chance to tell me.

"Did he know that I would be there for you during the worst months of your life? Did he know that I would care for you, and do absolutely fucking _anything_ to make you happy again? Or did he know that would we be here screaming at each other, letting him come between us yet again, even when he's buried six feet under?"

Both our chests were heaving now, hers from the emotions coursing through her, and mine from the sudden outburst between us. Somewhere in the hallway there was a noise, the front door closing. I ignored it, as I did everything else.

"He knew you would fall for me," she whispered, uncertain, now, and for a full minute, I was unable to do anything. She'd called me out on it, and I hadn't expected that response at all. Some of the hatred I'd been harbouring in the past few minutes simmered down, but the bitterness, that was still there.

To my right, someone spoke. "What is going on here?" It was Jackie; neither of us looked at her, let alone answered.

"I didn't."

The words were slow, direct, and as callous as a bullet cutting through flesh. Her expression crumbled, and she started to cry again. I could feel it once more, I'd hurt her, and this time, I couldn't bear to see at the look in her eye.

I didn't love her, I couldn't love her. There wasn't enough of me left to love anyone else. But, how could I tell her that? That she wasn't enough to mend my shattered heart? It wasn't like she wanted me to love her, anyway. She didn't want this any more than I did.

I turned away, brushed passed a confused and silent Jackie. I went for the front door, needing to get out the house before I screamed. My whole body was alive with the pent up animosity I'd yet to release, and because of that, I knew I had to leave.

But before I could even pull the latch on the door, someone came up behind me, and I stopped, revolving around to face them. I shouldn't have been surprised to see Alice standing there, with a look of hatred burning in her eyes.

"You call Robbie a jerk, so what the fuck are you right now, Jasper?" she sneered, sounding almost as insensitive as I did.

I stared at her for a long, unwavering moment. "Welcome to what that son of bitch really saw when he told me to stay away from you."

I wasn't expecting what happened next.

* * *

**A/N****: *hides* don't hate me for this. I know some of you said you didn't want a big argument, but you know it had to happen at some point. Were they really going to go through their whole friendship without ever clashing? In every friendship, there is **_**always**_** some kind of argument or dispute, and granted, it wouldn't necessarily be as bad as the one they had, but still. This was a long time coming, and it was always going to be about Robbie.**

**I'm genuinely scared of your reaction to their behaviour right now (Alice's, in particular). Alice was acting a little…unreasonable. Immature? I've heard that, too. I'd like to hear what you think, though.**

**Aim: 753.**


	52. Chapter 51

**A/N****: Chapter 51!**

**I got twenty-seven reviews for the last chapter. Seriously, guys, you blow my mind. So I've updated a day early.**

**Koko23cat deserves a medal for everything she did for this chapter, she is so amazing and helpful. Plus her story Take My Hand is like thirty reviews from one thousand. I'm so proud and happy for her right now.**

**Disclaimer: I**** have two Twilight Saga calendars hanging on my bedroom wall. One is set to February 2011 and Jacob (blech). The other is set to June 2010 and Jalice. Does this prove to you that I'm nothing more than a fan?**

* * *

**Chapter 51 - A Ruined Friendship**

**30****th**** August 2009**

**Jasper POV**

"You bastard!" she spat, and not even a second later, she stormed forward and pulled her arm back. There was a loud crack as she brought her hand down across my cheek.

Silence followed for the few seconds afterwards.

She'd fucking slapped me.

I tried not to show the shock of it on my face, nor did I reach up and touch where it stung the most. I didn't want to give her the benefit of seeing my reaction.

So I kept my hands clenched and shaking at my side. In the back of my mind, I knew I'd deserved it, but even so, I didn't respond well to people hitting me. Had it been a man to do it, I'd have struck them back by now. But this was Alice, and it had been ingrained within me to never lay a single finger on woman, regardless of how angry I may have been.

But I had to hit _something_, or channel my anger into another outlet, and when she started to strike me again, this time hitting my chest, I focussed it into restraining her. I grasped her wrists, keeping her away from me. She fought against my grip as she tried to lash out again. But I was too strong for her, and her blows missed their mark.

"Fuck off," she ground out through clenched teeth. The words were cold, harsh. She meant them. When I still didn't let her go, she pulled against me harder, her expression contorting into a fury I'd never seen from her.

"Just _fuck off!"_ she screamed, resentment dripping from her every word. "Get out of my house!"

I let go of her, letting her stumble backwards from the sudden release. I didn't try to stop her from falling over.

"Don't worry, I'm _going_," I said, no emotions escaping in my words, now. For a brief moment, my unsympathetic gaze landed on Jackie, it was the first time I'd looked at her since she'd walked into the house. She stared back, a shocked and slightly fearful look in her eyes.

Then with one, last, heated glance at Alice, I spun around and wrenched the door open. I didn't close it behind me, and I heard rather than saw Alice step forward slam it with as much force as she could muster.

The sound of it rattled through my body, but it didn't break my stride. I just kept walking, feeling the fire pumping through me with each step. I was angry, really fucking angry and nothing she said or did was going to make me look back.

I left her street knowing things had escalated beyond my reach. I couldn't fully comprehend what had just happened and I couldn't work out how the fuck I'd let that it get that bad. _Why hadn't I just walked away from her_?

I was a fucking adult, why had I let it come to this?

I couldn't even remember exactly what I'd said to her. My mouth had run away from me, reacting before I could think of a sensible response. Some of it had been true. But I knew in my heart that most of it had been pure spite, just to get back at her.

She'd started it, that much I knew. She'd been the first one to react with anger, the one to lash out. But I'd responded in the only way I knew how. I'd retaliated and hurt her back.

I'd thought things were gone between us yesterday, but they definitely were now.

Gone, destroyed, and shattered into a million little pieces.

In my eyes, they were gone forever.

* * *

**Alice POV**

My hands were shaking and my breath was coming in short gasps. I was still standing behind the door I'd slammed only moments ago. Mom was behind me; I could sense her uneasiness from here. She wanted to know what happened, and in all honesty, I couldn't answer her.

I didn't know what happened, or _how_ it had happened. All I knew was that I hated him.

I really fucking hated him.

The anger rolled through me once again, and I was half tempted to wrench the door open and chase after him. My hand still stung from when I'd slapped him. But I wanted to do it again. I wanted to hurt him for what he said.

My thoughts reeled with retorts and snarky comments as I replayed what he'd said in my mind over and over.

_Don't act like you didn't put him on a pedestal_.

_I saw enough to know he was a jerk_.

How could he say that? How? He wasn't there; he didn't know shit about Robbie and what he was like. He didn't know him at all.

Angry tears poured from my eyes, but I brushed them away with the palm of my hand, turning around and heading for the stairs. I wanted to be alone, but somehow, I knew Mom wouldn't let that happen.

I was right, of course.

"Alice, what the hell just happened?" she said sternly, with her hands resting on her hips. I ignored her and made for the stairs once again, but this time, she stood in my path. I knew I wasn't going to get passed her.

"You're not going to hide in your room. Get in there, now," she continued, pointing towards the living room. "You're going to explain to me why you two were fighting in my house, and you're not going to leave anything out, got it?"

A scowl formed on my face; I didn't _want_ to talk about it. I was too worked up to explain it to her. But I did as I was told, nonetheless, and sat down on the couch. She followed suit and looked at me for a long moment, waiting for me to speak.

"I hate him," I whispered as a lump formed in my throat, marring my words. "I _hate_ him."

As those three words revolved around my mind, a fresh wave of tears hit me. But this time they weren't from anger, they were different, and it hurt to cry. It hurt to finally know what he was really thinking. It hurt to hear those words passing my lips, and I couldn't quite understand it.

Mom shifted closer to me and pulled me into an embrace. She rubbed her hands up and down my arms soothingly, trying to quell my tears.

"Alice," she finally began after we'd been sitting in silence for a long while. "You have to tell me what happened."

I took in a deep, shuddering breath before sitting up and rubbing at my sore eyes. What happened played through my mind once again, but this time, I went back to the previous day, trying to think of when it started.

"It was yesterday, when Henry and Jasper were talking," I told her, my voice was quiet and I didn't meet her eye as I spoke. "I don't know exactly what they talked about, but I think it something about Henry thinking me and Jasper should be more than just friends."

In my peripheral vision, I saw Mom nod for me to continue. I took a deep breath and carried on.

"The next morning, Jasper had an argument with Henry. He said that what Henry told him had messed with his mind, and that he was thinking about it now. But then he said that I wasn't ready because I said Robbie's name."

When I finished, I looked up to see her wearing a confused expression. "What do you mean you said Robbie's name?"

I sniffled quietly, trying not to cry again. "When we woke up, I said his name. I don't remember saying it, but the next thing I knew, Jasper was pulling away and going inside. When I got up to follow him, he was already arguing with Henry."

Her brow furrowed further. "Alice, honey, I'm not following what you're saying. You were sleeping outside?"

"Yes, we went to sit outside," I said, exhaling, feeling slightly annoyed that she wasn't grasping what I was saying. Why did it matter that we were outside?

"We fell asleep on the chair," I explained impatiently. "When I woke up, that was when I thought he was Robbie."

"Wait, you _thought_ he was Robbie?" Mom looked shocked as she voiced her question. "I thought you just said his name?"

As she finished, I felt a quick burst of irritation in my chest. "I _did_ say his name. I was half asleep, Mom, I wasn't thinking straight. Everything was warm and his arm was around me - I just got confused."

"His arm was around you?"

I gritted my teeth; her questions were starting to really frustrate me, and I could feel the same anger brewing up again. But I _couldn't_ let it escape, not with Mom. So before I answered, I took another deep, calming breath.

"We were on the same chair; I've already told you this."

"No, honey, you didn't tell me you slept on the same chair as him." Her expression was turning worried now.

I stared at her for a long moment, feeling the annoyance subside slightly. I thought back over the past couple of minutes and realised that, in fact, she was right – I hadn't told her.

When I didn't say anything, she decided to continue. "Alice, you must realise how this sounds to me."

Her words rendered me speechless. How was I supposed to respond to a comment like that? I wasn't even sure what she meant by it.

"What do you mean?" I said nervously.

"Who suggested you slept next to each other?" she asked in a softer voice. It was as if she already knew the answer.

"I did," I whispered, feeling a knot forming in the pit of my stomach. I couldn't read her expression, but in the back of my mind, I was suddenly certain she knew I was going to say that.

"You won't like hearing this," Mom continued, and I tensed, waiting for her to go on. "But think of the impression that must have given him."

My brow pulled together at her response. "Henry was inside the house at the time, there's no way he could have heard it, or seen us together, either."

Mom had a sympathetic look in her eyes as she sighed. "I wasn't referring to Henry, Alice. Think of how that must have looked to Jasper."

I was taken aback by her comment and felt slightly nauseous as her words fully sunk in. She was right, of course she was. I'd never thought about the way I acted around Jasper; it just came naturally. I certainly never thought about what impression it would give _him_.

But surely Jasper knew that…

Surely...

I shook my head; the movement made me feel dizzy. "Jasper knows, I…" I stopped, trying to think of the right word. "He knows I wouldn't mean it in that way."

At first, Mom was silent. She just looked at me, and I stared right back. I knew there was something she wanted to tell me. But I wasn't sure if I wanted to hear what she had to say. I certainly wasn't going to prompt her to tell me.

"Does he, though?" she questioned quietly, ignoring my blank expression. "You know Jasper far better than I do, but you spend so much time together, Alice. I've noticed the change between you both. Maybe he's noticed it, too."

"No," I said, not looking at her now. "That's not possible. He wouldn't think like that…I know he wouldn't."

She didn't look fully convinced, but made no further comment on what I'd just said. Instead, she rubbed her hand across her brow, as if she was suddenly getting a headache.

"There's something you should know," she said, gnawing at her bottom lip. "I've been contemplating whether or not to tell you, and just wait to see if you remembered about it yourself. But either you did remember and you're disregarding it, or you really did forget it happened."

She paused then, and I could feel my heartbeat getting a little bit faster. I didn't have a clue what she was going to tell me, and that scared me.

"Do you remember when you went to Rosalie and Edward's party, and you and Jasper came home drunk?" she said, confusing me at the direction she was taking. Where was she going with this? I kept quiet, letting her continue. "You both fell on the floor, and when he helped you up, you…you kissed him."

The blood drained from my face as her words registered. I'd kissed him. That couldn't be true. _No_, it wasn't true. Why would I kiss him? Drunk or not, it wasn't possible. He was about as ready for that kind of thing as I was. How would I not remember doing it?

But when I returned my gaze to Mom, I quickly realised that it _was_ true, she would never lie to me, so it _must_ have happened.

"Does he know?" I asked, choking out the words as heat began to prickle at the base of my neck.

She pursed her lips. "I'm not sure. Do you remember I asked if he could recall anything from the previous night?"

I nodded; it was curt, jilted, as I remembered back to that morning.

"He said he couldn't remember anything, but, honey, I don't know if he did remember, and just didn't say anything because he didn't want to mention it in front of everyone."

My breathing increased in pace I searched my mind for any indication that he remembered the kiss. I didn't have to look back very far, as I thought of when he'd left that same morning. He'd kissed me on the cheek as he said goodbye, something he'd never done before.

I turned it over and over in my mind. Was that why he was so angry with Henry, with me? Did he think I'd moved on, only to change my mind and push him away again?

I couldn't believe that saying Robbie's name had caused this, and I was finding it hard to believe that Jasper would think like that.

There was no way that he could think I was playing him, toying with his mind. He must have known I would never do that.

He must have.

I swallowed heavily.

A whole new layer had just been added to the already tangled mess we were in, and I didn't know how to deal with it.

How on earth was I going to find out if he knew? We weren't talking, and his face was the last one I wanted to see.

I wasn't going to find out, because I never wanted to see him again.

Needing some time alone, I stood up and moved away from Mom. But as I did so, she stood up, too.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going to my room. I just want to be on my own," I told her quietly, hoping she'd let me go, this time.

She nodded with a worried look in her eye. "Okay, but if you need me, I'll be down here. If you decide to go out, you come and tell first, you got that?"

"Sure," I mumbled, wondering why she'd just said that.

But it suddenly dawned on me, as I made my way upstairs, that she must have thought I would go after Jasper. She wanted me to let her know, so that if she had to, she could stop me.

I shook my head, knowing that this had rapidly gone from bad to worse in a matter of hours. If I was being honest, in this current situation I couldn't see us ever coming back from this.

* * *

The day dragged on. There was no one to see, no one to talk to. It wasn't a feeling I was used to. Even when I was younger, there had always been someone there, someone I would go to.

But now, there really wasn't anyone. I'd relied too heavily on Jasper, I knew that now, and the impact of our argument was hitting me hard. Since I calmed down, I'd cried again, but not because I was angry, but because of what it meant.

Our friendship was gone, ruined, and everything that had happened, everything we'd been through was all in the past now.

I was still too angry with him to miss him, but somewhere, deep down in my heart I knew I'd lost something dear to me, something I couldn't replace.

I'd switched my phone off, not because I thought Jasper was going to call me, or anyone else, for that matter, but because in that moment, I wanted to get away from everything outside my room. Even when Mom came in to check on me, I pretended to be asleep.

When the night finally came, I found myself pulling the photo of me and Robbie into bed, clutching it to my chest. I stared at it in the partial darkness, wishing that I could go back to how things had been a year ago, before Jasper Whitlock, and before the thought of life without Robbie never ever crossed my mind.

I just wanted my old life back.

That's how I fell asleep, with the photo frame in my tightly clenched hands.

The dream started slowly, merging from black and white to colour, mist to discernible images. I knew where I was as soon as things became clear for me. I was in the school again.

It felt strange, as though I was expecting things to happen a moment before they did. Like the doors opening, and suddenly finding myself outside. The sound of the tyres against the ground rattled through my mind, but when I looked around, Robbie was nowhere to be seen. It was just Jasper.

Jasper, the one sitting behind the wheel.

I gasped and closed my eyes. It wasn't true, I knew that, but I still tried to scream.

I tried so hard, but nothing came out.

When I opened them again, the car was gone and Jasper was standing in front of me.

_Too close_.

But I didn't move away, I didn't take a step back.

"_Alice_," he growled, my name rolling off his tongue, the syllables more defined than usual.

It all happened so quickly then that I didn't have time to react. His hand grasped my face, the other on the back of my head, in my hair, pulling me closer. His lips were crushed against mine faster than I was able to close my eyes. They were hard, ardent, claiming me for everything I had.

The kiss was angry, as though the fury from our confrontation was fuelling it.

I raised my arms up towards him. Why? To push him away? To pull him closer? I didn't know. But when my fingers came into contact with him, a new sensation overcame me. _Familiarity_. The feel of his skin beneath my palms, the sudden softness of his lips, I knew them all.

But when I pulled back, it wasn't Jasper I was kissing at all. It was Robbie.

He brushed his thumb against my cheek, smiling. "Perfect."

_Happiness_. It washed through me and I leaned into his touch, closing my eyes. Robbie, he was here. He wasn't dying, not this time.

"He's not."

My eyes snapped open. _Jasper_. His eyes were dark, staring deep into mine with an unwavering intensity.

_He's not perfect_.

The scene before me blurred, my vision hazy, as the image of Jasper and Robbie began to merge. It flickered from Robbie to Jasper, back again. My head swam with dizziness as I watched Robbie fade and Jasper become more and more prominent before me.

Then suddenly everything around us disappeared, the school, the car, the parking lot, and it was just me and Jasper, standing in the middle of the road, rain pouring down around us.

It was just us, it was only us...it was all I could see.

All I could see was Jasper.

* * *

**A/N****: I warned you before that shit would be hitting the fan. This was what I meant. Having ups and downs are one of the things that make a good story, right? Yes, I go to extremes to do that in this story, but I know I wouldn't want to read something where everything is perfect for the two main characters.**

**The majority of you were right, she did indeed slap him. Some of you thought she was going to kiss him..nope, not exactly (unless you count the dream as kissing him :P)**

**What do you think of the dream? She was kissing him back. What do you make of that? Does that mean she likes Jasper? Or was it her mind trying to throw her out the loop even more? I deliberately didn't have Alice wake up at the end. I thought it would be interesting to see how you think she'd react.**

**Reviews = teasers. My aim: 785.**


	53. Chapter 52

**A/N****: Chapter 52!**

**Thank you to everyone who read, reviewed, or added my story to their alert/favourite list. Again, koko23cat deserves credit for the shit she's helped me with in this chapter.**

**Right, this chapter has a slightly different format. It starts on the 4****th**** October, and goes backwards from there. I didn't write the date on each section, instead I put 'Day Thirty-Three', 'Day Twenty-Five' etc. That is to show how many days have gone by since their argument. Hope that doesn't confuse anyone.**

**Disclaimer****: In my crazy mind, I own everything. In reality, I own nothing. What a sad realisation that is.**

* * *

**Chapter 52 - Thirty-Five Days**

**4****th**** October 2009**

**Jasper POV**

I mashed the cereal around the side of my bowl whilst staring at the calendar. It was stuck to the fridge with two, flowery magnets. I ignored those, and instead, I counted the days. There were thirty-five, altogether. Thirty-five days since I'd last seen Alice, since we argued with each other.

My gaze travelled two days to the right of today and I sighed, pushing the bowl away and running my hands over my face. In two days, it was going to be the first anniversary of Robbie's death. I'd promised Emmett I'd be there for Alice, and I knew that Bella, Edward and Rosalie all expected me to be there, too.

But I'd promised a few things in this past month, and so far, I hadn't followed through on any of them.

* * *

_Day Thirty-Three_

I scowled at my phone, knowing exactly who was going to be on the other end of the line. Edward was becoming annoyingly persistent at the moment, and I had the right mind to tell him to piss off. I wouldn't do that, of course, as I knew he was just trying to help, and in a way, he _was_ helping me.

Edward was smart, but I knew the game he was playing. He was trying to annoy me by constantly telling me to talk to Alice, to tell her that I was sorry for shouting at her and that I shouldn't have said what I did. He was telling me to apologise first, so that she would – _hopefully_ – apologise back to me.

He was waiting for me to snap and do as he said just to shut him up. Like I said, Edward was a smart, albeit a sneaky son of a bitch who knew exactly what he was doing.

But it was all well and good telling me to go talk to her, he'd done that a month ago, and where had that gotten us? All it had achieved was for things to be blown up in all our faces.

Well not again. I might have had a low tolerance for irritating, persistent things, but I wasn't going to give in to him. Not because I was stubborn, but because I didn't know how Alice was going to react. I'd apologised last time, and she'd flipped out. In retrospection, I knew why she'd reacted that way, but that wasn't what I worried about.

It was the fact I'd insulted Robbie, yet again, and worse than that, I'd insulted her, too. I didn't know how I was going to make an apology for that at all. On top of that, she had her own shit to apologise for, and briefly, I found myself wondering if she had the same thoughts running through her mind.

The ringing tone started up again, and I sighed, picking it up. _Of course_: _Edward Mobile_.

"Yes, Edward," I said in an almost bored tone.

"Don't use that tone of voice with me," he muttered. "You know why I'm calling. Have you talked to her yet?"

I scrunched my eyes shut, not wanting to hear his usual speech. "What do you think?"

He exhaled loudly. "Why haven't you gone to talk to her? Do I need to come back to Forks and make this happen? I will, if I have to. Come on, Jas, you promised you would."

_Edward, trying to solve my shit has turned you into a fucking agony aunt_.

"I know I did, but it's not that easy," I replied curtly, still not opening my eyes. I needed him to understand that it just wasn't as easy as going up to her and talking anymore. "I don't know what to say to her, for a start, and what if she doesn't want to talk to me? I know what I'm like, Edward, if she starts something, I'm going to retaliate, and look where that got me last time."

"Yes, and I know Alice," he said in a simple manner. "It's been a whole month since you argued; she's not the type to hold grudges."

He was right, in some respect. Alice _wasn't _the type to hold grudges. "But what about when the source of her anger was because someone insulted Robbie? Don't you think she'd hold a grudge then?"

Edward was completely silent on the other end of the line. With that one question, I'd gotten him, and we both knew it. Maybe I'd have been more positive if I knew I hadn't lost control so badly and insulted the one thing she clung onto and cherished with everything she had.

It made me think about what _I'd_ have done if the tables had been turned, and instead, she'd said something about Maria. Very little thought had to go into working out how my reaction would have panned out. I'd have gone ballistic, I knew that already.

Insulting Robbie the way I had was a low blow, and I was appalled that I'd even done it. Alice had made her own mistakes, and I couldn't ignore what she'd said, or deny that it was her fault I'd gotten so angry.

But the blame was solely on me when it came down to whom it was that made the bitter comments. My loss of control was the biggest regret I had, and if I had the chance to go back and change it, the outcome would have been so very different.

Or just maybe, I wouldn't have gone to see her at all.

* * *

_Day Twenty-Five_

Work was slow, tiresome. I'd been two seconds away from telling Karen to stick her fucking job where the sun didn't shine. But I had to rein it in, knowing that was the last thing I needed. I couldn't lose this job, it was the only thing keeping me sane and actually getting me out the house in the past few weeks.

Karen had told me to shave, to clean myself up – look more presentable, as she'd put it. So I hadn't shaved nor slept properly for just over two weeks now, but what fucking difference was it going to make to customers walking into the shop? Were the dark circles under my eyes going to scare them away?

Even then, it wasn't as if I'd been standing outside, beckoning people to go in. I was in one of the back rooms, sorting out stock at Karen's order. If I really thought about it, she'd probably sent me back there for that exact reason.

It was bullshit, and I'd been half tempted to tell her that she needed to open her fucking eyes and realise life wasn't all perfect and not everyone looked well presented and happy all the time.

When my shift finally came to an end, I'd gladly left without a second thought. I felt exhausted as I walked, as if I was dragging myself along. But the anger I'd been feeling towards Karen was still swimming around inside, and the first thing I wanted to do was sit back, eat something and try to fall asleep slumped on the kitchen table.

But when I opened the door, I was greeted by _noise_. Emily was in the main room, the television turned up to a loud volume, and in the kitchen, I could hear someone pottering around.

_Great, looks like I won't be getting any sleep today, then_.

"Jasper, is that you?" Mom asked from the kitchen. At first I wanted to ask her who else it was going to be coming into the house, but then I remembered that it wasn't just me, Mom and Emily anymore. It could quite easily be my _father_ coming in these days.

Though, in saying that, I hadn't caught even a glimpse of him in nearly a week now. Mom must have seen him in that time, but I knew she was telling him to keep his distance from me. After our initial talk back in August, communication seemed to be better between us, and we'd had a talk about whether or not I wanted to see him right now. I told her I didn't, and she respected that, as I knew she would.

Mom knew all about Alice and what happened between us. She and I both knew that I was coming to the end of my tether once again, and the last thing I needed was another confrontation with my father to push me over the edge once more.

"Yeah, I'm back," I muttered, slowly pulling off my worn out boots and throwing them to the side. I trudged into the kitchen then and sat down on the nearest chair. My limbs felt weak, as if my puppet strings had been cut away all of a sudden.

That, of course, was down to fatigue.

"How was work?" she asked, looking at me over her shoulder. "Would you like me to make you something to eat?"

I shook my head quickly. "I'm not hungry, and work was…" I paused, trying to think of suitable description that wouldn't taint the walls with my foul language. "Karen doesn't think I look…_presentable_."

Mom stopped what she was doing, turning to look at me completely. "She told you that?"

I nodded. "She wants me to clean myself up."

"Are you going to?" she continued, raising her eyebrows in pure interest now.

"No."

She let out a quick sigh and I saw her appraising me for just a moment. I could see it in her eyes; she wanted to tell me to smarten up, too, not because of what others would think of me, but because seeing me like this, it worried her. She knew I was suffering, and even with her best attempts, there wasn't anything she could do.

But instead of telling me this, she kept quiet, knowing that it was the last thing I wanted to hear right now.

"You should eat something," she said to me instead, turning back to whatever she was making only a moment ago. "You've lost weight."

There was a worried intonation to her voice, now, and I knew what she was saying was true. I _had_ lost weight; I'd noticed it, too. It was only subtle changes, but we both noticed them.

"I'm not hungry."

She didn't respond because she knew it was a losing battle. I was a stubborn son of a bitch, and if I told her I wasn't hungry, then I certainly wasn't going to eat anything she put in front of me.

The room fell into silence after that, and when she didn't move around to face me anymore, I closed my eyes, resting them. It felt good to close them, to shut everything out.

If only there was a way to shut out my thoughts, too.

"I saw Alice today."

My eyes opened slowly and moved to stare into hers. I had been wrong earlier; this topic right here was the last thing I wanted to listen to. But unlike before, she didn't stop talking.

"She came into the shop to talk to the manager," she continued, a slight cautious tinge in her tone. "I think she's applying for a job."

Mom paused, giving me enough time to remark on what she'd said. But what was there for me to say? Did she expect me to congratulate Alice on moving on with her life while I was here, finding it hard to function properly?

A sigh escaped her lips as she sat down, reaching for my clasped hands across the table.

"Jas, she looks worse than you do," she murmured, her voice gentle now. When her fingers tried to close over mine, I drew my hands back.

"I don't care."

I stood up, and she stood up with me. "Don't lie to me, Jasper. Maybe you think after all this she doesn't want to talk to you, but those dark circles I saw under her eyes are worse than yours."

My gaze hardened as I looked at her. "So?"

"So that means she's dealing with this about as proficiently as you are," she replied, the gentleness in her voice a little weaker now that she was trying to get her point across. "You need to talk to her and work things out between you. Do it for the sakes of yourself and those around you."

I ran my hands over my face, ignoring the roughness around my jaw. "Please, Mom, for _my sake_, can you stop talking about this. I don't want to talk about her; I don't want to hear what she looks like, or what she's doing."

She stared at me for a long moment, looking disheartened, and then she let out a sigh.

"Jas, I'm not going to pretend I'm happy with the damage your friendship with Alice has caused you. I know she's going through a lot, but that doesn't excuse her behaviour. But, on the other hand, I can see how much you need each other. So please don't make this harder for yourself. You both need to get passed this."

I just looked at her. I didn't understand why she was telling me this now. I didn't understand anything anymore; it was all just such a fucking mess. I didn't even know why I didn't want to think about Alice, I just knew thinking about her made things worse, it _hurt_. It hurt so fucking much.

I missed her, too, and I didn't understand that, either. There was just no logical reason. She'd hurt me, pushed me to my limits and after all that, I still fucking missed her. Why? It didn't make any sense whatsoever.

A voice in the back of mind told me that I couldn't live without her, as if that explained everything, but I still didn't get it. She'd come storming into my life just over a year ago, changing everything. The impact she'd made was so immense that it frightened me.

It scared me so much that my instincts drove me to hide from it; I just didn't want to admit to any of it. Making out I didn't care, acting indifferent...I honestly believed it would convince Mom not to try and talk to me about it. Talking about it would make it too real, too hard to deny.

But Mom saw right through me, just like she always did, and now I had nowhere left to hide.

"Jas…" She moved around the table towards me, but I held my hand out, halting her.

"Please, just stop."

Her brow pulled together at the same moment her shoulders sagged in defeat. She shook her head slowly, looking down at the floor.

"Why are you doing this to yourself?" she whispered, her voice pained. She looked up as she finished, and for a long moment, neither of us did anything.

_I don't know_.

I turned away then, knowing I couldn't continue with this. She didn't stop me as I walked from the room and made my way towards the stairs. The noises from the television were still loud, but I couldn't bring myself to act cheerful in front of Emily just to ask her to turn it down.

When I got to my room, my eyes landed on the cell phone sitting on the bedside table. I wasn't even taking it with me, anymore. The only calls I got were from Rosalie, Bella, Emmett, and Edward, all asking me how I was, if I'd talked to Alice yet. I couldn't deal with that shit, so I left it behind.

It made me wonder if they were doing the same thing to her, too. But I knew I would never ask them because that would mean I'd have to talk about her, to actually say her name.

I picked it up now and switched it on. A minute after it loaded, it vibrated once then again a second later. I had two new messages – one from Emmett, the other from Bella. It was Emmett's I opened first; he asked me how I was doing, what I was getting up to. No mention of Alice this time, but still, I quickly moved onto Bella's.

She wanted to know what I was doing, too, and offered to talk if I needed to. I shook my head to myself, closing the message application altogether. Bella was making an effort, just as we promised to try again with our friendship before she left. The only problem was that I wasn't holding up my end of the bargain. I wasn't making an effort at all.

Holding the button down, I switched the phone off.

* * *

_Day Fourteen_

Dreams were elusive, hard to understand. Some dreams you remembered the moment you woke up, and you wished to fall asleep again, just so you could fall back into the same dream. Other dreams you didn't remember until later, only when something around you triggered the memory.

They latched onto your happy memories, or your most horrible ones. They focused on the worst fears and strongest desires. Dreams provided you with a release, and gave you things you want to see. Or sometimes, they provided you with a harsh reality and something you dreaded the most.

My dream, in some respect, fell into the latter category.

I was in a hospital, maybe it was Forks General, but I couldn't quite tell. The surroundings were too blurry, too obscure to really make note of which hospital I was in. All I knew I was looking for someone.

My legs carried me further and further through the empty corridors, as if something was pulling me along. I didn't know where I was going, but there was an invisible rope around my waist, leading me.

Then as I passed a closed door, I stopped, turning back to it. It seemed familiar to me, somehow, and there was a sense of enticement, drawing me in. I pushed the door open, walking inside the empty room. My eyes trained on the bed, and I walked towards it, staring at the pile of clothing that lay upon it. There was a bag next to it, but it was the clothes I looked at.

I sifted through them, only stopping when I realised whose clothes they were. They had been the clothes Alice wore the day we argued, and when my gaze turned to the plastic bag beside them, I saw the rest of her belongings.

A watch, her charm bracelet and even her cell phone sat inside the bag. The bag was waiting, waiting for a relative to come by and retrieve it. I'd seen this all before, with Maria.

"_She's gone_."

My head snapped up to see Robbie standing across the bed from me, his eyes blazing with an undying fury. Before I could demand for him to tell me what happened, he pushed forward, ramming the bed into my gut.

The force of it pushed me backwards, and with a start, I woke up.

At first I was completely still, and all I could hear was the sound of blood rushing through my ears. Then a moment later, I kicked the blanket away from me, ripping my t-shirt up and over my head. I was sweating, my skin was clammy, and just trying to remember what exactly happened in my dream was making my heart beat at a quick pace.

Robbie had been there, Alice's belongings…in a hospital, and as the hospital itself came back to me, I realised why it seemed so familiar to me. It had been the same room Alice had been in on Robbie's birthday last year.

Then as that piece of information came to me, the most vital part finally made itself clear. In my dream, Alice was dead.

But…how was that possible? _What the fuck_…What was my subconscious trying to tell me? That I'd lost Alice? That I was to blame for losing her? I couldn't fucking handle it. These dreams, they were fucking with my mind, and I wanted, _needed_, a way out.

My hands tangled into my hair, pulling at it. Not only did I need a way out, but I also needed to get those thoughts out my mind altogether. Knowing that a distraction was necessary, I stood up and left the room, heading for the bathroom. It was in the early hours of the morning, but it didn't stop me.

I stripped the remainder of my clothes and left them in a pile by the door. I then switched on the shower to full flow and sat down under the torrent, resting my head against my knees.

The sound of the water pounding against my back and the shower wall was loud, too loud to hear myself think.

* * *

_Day Two_

The ringtone to my cell started to play once again, just as it had done the two other times today. I'd ignored them both, but now that it was ringing again, I knew I had to answer it.

I grabbed the phone from the table and studied the screen. The caller ID showed it was Edward, and it didn't surprise me at all to see he was ringing. He'd told me to call and tell him what happened between me and Alice.

That had been two days ago, and I still hadn't told him.

After getting back from Alice's house, I'd gone up to my room and stayed there. When dinner had been served that night, I hadn't gone down to eat anything, and when Mom came up to check on me later, that's when I'd told her about our argument.

It had been easy to tell her, easier than I thought it was going to be. But to tell Edward, that was a whole different situation. However, I had to do it, or else he'd give up and call Alice.

Maybe he already had.

I pressed the call button, and put the phone to my ear. "Hello."

"Finally," he muttered a little impatiently. "What's going on? Why haven't you answered your phone?"

My mouth opened to lie to him, to tell him that I hadn't been near the phone each time it rang, or maybe to tell him that I just hadn't heard it. But I stopped myself before I could even a single word.

"Jasper, are you still there?"

I blinked quickly, knowing I'd zoned out. "I'm here…what did you want?"

"How did things go with Alice the other day?" he asked, getting straight to the point. "I didn't hear from you afterwards, so I thought I'd leave it a day. Did you manage to talk to her?"

"Yes, I talked to her," I told him, my voice quiet, distant.

At first, he didn't say anything, and then slowly, he said, "Something went wrong, didn't it?"

A part of me wanted to laugh, to ask: _How did you guess_?

"Jasper, talk to me." He paused, sounding worried. "Tell me what happened, please."

I kept my eyes tightly shut, as if by keeping them closed, I could block him out, too. "I apologised to her, like you told me to, and she reacted badly. We fought…she slapped me."

I gritted my teeth as I ground out the words. There, I'd said it, I'd listed it, listing was good. I couldn't handle the details, they were too much to process right now. But, in the back of my mind, I knew that I hadn't said enough, Edward would want more.

I gripped the phone tighter in my hand as I waited for his response.

"You argued?" he said finally, his voice quiet now, far less certain. "I can't believe…How bad was it?"

I grimaced as images of that afternoon bombarded me. "Very," I muttered tersely. "I said some bad things to her, Edward, we both said shitty things in the heat of the moment. All of it's just so fucked up now. I don't see it getting better, not after this."

The silence that passed between us said it all.

"You don't know that," he finally whispered. I could hear it, I could hear how he was reaching for something positive to grasp onto. "If you talk to her again, maybe things would change."

I stared ahead of me, confused. Had he not been listening to me? Maybe he was ignoring the part where I said she slapped me. I was the last person she wanted to see for a long time, and honestly, I wasn't sure I wanted to see her either.

A part of me wanted to ask him why the hell he was so adamant about talking to her, anyway. Did he believe that talking solved everything?

"Promise me you'll talk to her," he continued as if he'd found the positive he was looking for. _Promise him_? But…how could I promise him I'd talk to her when I was sure I wouldn't?

However, he sounded so certain; he had hope left in him. I couldn't squash that hope, not when there was so very little between me and Alice now.

"I promise."

I just hoped, as I finished those two, false words, that he wouldn't know that I wasn't in the right frame of mind to promise anything even remotely similar.

"Good." He let out a sigh. _Relief_? "You both need to work through these differences. Jas, there's something between you and Alice, and that can't be lost. Robbie's anniversary is in just over a month; I think she will need you to help get her through the day. But I have faith in this, it will work out."

My eyes closed at his words. _Good, hopeful Edward_, his faith was so misplaced, so wasted. I wished I had even a shred of his belief in me.

Maybe he was waiting for me to respond, but when I didn't, he went on. "A lot can happen in a month, you know that."

_Yes, a lot could happen in a month_. But nothing _was_ going to happen, I could see that already.

* * *

**A/N****: Jasper really lost his faith there at the end. But remember that was set only two days after the argument. Not gonna lie, a scruffy Jasper totally does it for me *wink* Okay, serious again, I hate (and LOVE) writing these scenes, just because I don't like seeing Jalice apart. But there is Alice POV next; you get to see how she is dealing with all of this.**

**Teasers go out to anyone who reviews. Aim: 808. Epic love and an extra teaser will go out to reviewer #800.**

**Random question: How many chapters do you think there are left of this story? I'm interested in seeing what you guys think.**


	54. Chapter 53

**A/N****: Chapter 53!**

**As always, a massive amount of love goes out to my readers and koko23cat, she knows why.**

**Disclaimer****: If I could, I'd perform Inception on you all, making your subconscious believe I was truly the creator and sole owner of one, Jasper Whitlock. Sadly, as it stands, I'm unable to do that right now. Stephenie Meyer gets to keep him for a little while longer.**

* * *

**Chapter 53 - Unanswered Questions**

**20****th**** September 2009**

**Alice POV**

My father clapped his hands in front of my face, making me jump. I scowled at him, but his concerned expression remained in place.

"Your mother is talking to you," he said wearily, with the same anxious and worried tone they'd both been using for the last few weeks. I glanced at Mom; she was staring at me with an expression that matched my father's.

_She'd been talking to me?_

_Damn._

I hadn't even registered her voice. I frowned at this, knowing it was happening again. I'd zoned out, barely taking anything into the void I'd disappeared into. Even my thoughts went silent, which, in a twisted way, was a blessing.

But if nothing brought me back, it could be at least ten minutes before I snapped myself out of it. Most the time, I didn't realise I was doing it.

"Alice," Mom finally said softly. "You're spending too much time at home."

I sighed, at last she was saying what she really thought. Before this, she'd only dropped hints, like, _why don't you go get some fresh air?_ Or, _it's a nice day outside, don't you think?_

"When was the last time you went out?" she continued when I didn't respond.

I maintained my silence; she already knew the answer.

After a moment, she looked at my father for help.

"Your mother is right," he said firmly.

_Of course_, I thought to myself. They were the perpetual tag team.

"You should go out," he went on. "It'll help put the colour back into your cheeks."

I nearly laughed at him. _Don't be naïve_, I wanted to say. Fresh air was the last thing that was going to help me; it was too late for it to do any good now. I was beyond help.

"We think you should get a job," Mom told me, taking in my blank expression. I realised suddenly that this was what she'd been building up to, the purpose of this wretched conversation. "It'll get you out of the house, and you'll earn money until you decide what you're going to do next September. You're eighteen, Alice, and I'm sorry, but if you're going to live under this roof, you need to do something productive with your time. I'm not going to watch you waste the year away."

She was right, I knew she was, but that didn't mean I wanted to listen to her and it certainly didn't mean I was going to agree to it.

"Where am I supposed to get a job?" I drawled acidly. It was the first time I'd spoken in a long while, and the monotonous drone to my voice shocked me. I tried not to show it on my face as I spoke again. "You don't like me driving to Port Angeles on my own, so how are you expecting me to go to work by myself?"

They shared a glance at this, and immediately I was suspicious. I knew those looks, I knew what they meant, and I didn't trust them at all.

"You won't need to go to Port Angeles," she eventually answered nervously. "The local store is after new staff. All their temporary summer placements have gone to college. It's a perfect time to apply."

_Damn_.

They'd clearly put a lot of thought into this, and straight away, I wanted to protest. I didn't want to work there. There'd be too many eyes, too many enquiring glances. But I knew they'd never understand that, so I didn't bother to voice it. The thought that seemed to force its way to the top, eclipsing all others, was that Jasper's mother worked there.

_Jasper._

I didn't want to come face to face with her, not yet. Had Jasper told her what happened between us? Did he tell her what I'd said – what I'd done? Did he tell her what _he'd _said? I wouldn't know until I looked her in the eye and saw her reaction, and I wasn't ready for that, not yet.

"I don't want to work there," I said, shaking my head defiantly and moving quickly to stand up. "I'm not going to apply."

"You don't have to. I've entered your application already." Mom spoke quickly, as if she knew I was going to react badly. "You've got an interview with the manager this coming Thursday."

The chair scraped along the floor as I pushed backwards and brought myself to my feet. "You _applied_ without telling me first? I can't believe you did that!"

I shook my head again. "You can forget it. I'm not going!"

"Oh, yes you are, Alice," she replied in her authoritative voice. "I did it because if I left it to you, you'd deliberately let the opportunity pass by."

It didn't surprise me to know _she_ knew exactly what I'd have done. "You can't make me go," I said vehemently. "You've wasted your time."

With that, I stormed towards the door. I had to get away from them; I had to leave before they threw something else on me.

"Alice, you get back here!" my father shouted, standing up now, too. "We're not finished talking to you!"

I whipped around to face them, the scowl from earlier was back. "Well, I _am_ finished!"

This time, they didn't stop me as I darted from the room and up the stairs. By the time I'd gotten to my room, I was already shaking. I buried myself under the covers on my bed, once again, wishing I could disappear completely.

I couldn't believe they'd done it, I couldn't believe they'd made a decision like that without my consent. It was another change I wasn't ready for, another thing I didn't want to face.

Bringing the bed covers up over my head, I was engulfed in darkness. I just wished, as I closed my eyes, that I was able to zone out again, but for hours, this time, just so I didn't have to feel like this.

Maybe even for days at a time. A part of me wanted to disappear forever.

* * *

**24****th**** September 2009**

As I walked towards the store, I swallowed back the fear I felt rising up my throat like bile. It reminded me of the day, not even a year ago, when I'd walked outside for the first time after months. The paranoia was the same, but the reason behind it was not.

This time, I had the luxury of privacy. Nobody knew what happened between me and Jasper; nobody knew the change that had taken place. But it still felt as if people were staring at me, judging me. Even in an empty street, I felt it.

When I reached the store, I stood for a long moment at the doors, my ghostly reflection looking back at me. There was no one beside me, not even Mom. There was no one to make sure I arrived on time, nobody to force me to go in.

Mom had convinced me to go, though a part of me had already accepted it was going to happen, even before she'd broached the topic again. I didn't want to do it; I didn't want to walk in there, but I had to.

Just as I knew I had to talk to Jasper.

_Jasper._

But that was something I couldn't do, not yet. I couldn't bring myself to even think about him because I didn't know what I wanted to say, or even how to say it. How was I going to explain to him that I was sorry? Would he even believe me? He had to know that I regretted it; I never meant to hurt him. I was certain, though, that if he saw that our argument had turned me into _this_, then it would be a start.

I studied my reflection again and grimaced at what I saw. It wasn't dirty hair or creased clothing; it wasn't tears on my cheeks or a moan of grief escaping my lips. But to anyone passing by, it was unmistakably the same.

My hands were shaking as I pushed the door open, and even when I stepped in, I still felt a wave of uneasiness wash over me.

Without question, I knew why.

I scanned the area for her, and when I finally spotted Mrs Whitlock, I found myself sinking into the background, so that if she did look up, I was going to be out of sight.

I didn't want her to see me.

I started looking for the manager's office and, luckily, it wasn't hard to find. There was a row of seats outside, and when I sat down in the one nearest the door, I found that it was warm, as if someone had recently vacated it.

The fear returned, then, and for fifteen minutes, I sat there, rooted to the spot while my mind screamed at me to run. It was unbearable and it took everything I had to stay where I was.

When the door finally opened and I was beckoned in, I couldn't even fake a smile, there was no facade left in me.

I felt like a ghost.

* * *

I was walking again, aimless, lost. The interview had been shorter than I expected, not as many questions, and only once did he mention qualifications and past experience. When I left, he'd smiled at me, told me he'd call to let me know. I hadn't smiled back as I said goodbye.

Once I was outside the shop, I didn't walk in the direction of home. I couldn't face their questions yet. I couldn't face Jasper, either, but nevertheless, I somehow found myself _here_.

Newton's Olympic Outfitters stood just down the road, and I stared at it for a long time, knowing he was inside. It took me a moment to realise I was crying, but it took even less time to realise why.

I was crying because I knew he was there. I was crying because I knew the days he worked, the hours, too. I was crying because I knew the route he would take when it was time for him to go home.

I cried because it suddenly dawned on me that they were silly, trivial things for me to know. It was the more important things I was clueless about, and I felt helpless because I didn't know how to fix that.

It took much longer than I expected for him to appear. I knew it wasn't the right thing to do, to wait for him to appear, knowing I wasn't going to talk to him. But I had to, I had to see him.

Why I wanted to, I wasn't sure. Maybe seeing Jasper would ground me, like it had so many times before; maybe it would remind me of what was wrong in my life? But would it tell me what I had to say to him? I doubted it.

When he shut the door behind him, my heart leapt into my throat, making it hard to breathe. He looked around briefly, and I worried that he'd see me here, watching him. But he turned away, pushing his hands into his pockets and moving quickly in the opposite direction.

He looked exhausted, and the stiff set of his shoulders told me he was angry about something. About what, I would never know. But I found myself having an aversion to it, as if seeing him angry now, was something I'd never seen before.

In that moment, I tried to ignore the fact I'd elicited far worse emotions from him only a few weeks before.

More tears streamed down my cheeks as I watched him walk further and further away from me. Would he stop if I called after him? Would he look back at me for a moment before turning away and walking on? Would he let me follow after him, and put his arms around his body, eradicating the anger and stress, as I had done so many months before?

Would he do it if I begged him to do the same for me?

All these questions, all of which I'd never know the answers for.

"Jasper," I choked out, knowing it was too quiet for him to hear. Wrapping my arms around myself, I watched him walk out of sight.

* * *

Jasper was on my mind with every step I took towards home. I was wrong earlier, seeing him had made things unbearably harder, and it was impossible to stop crying. I wasn't sure what I'd been expecting, but seeing him looking so despondent gave me the impression that he was dealing with this break as well as I was.

But did that give me hope that maybe we would work through this? No, because I still didn't know what I wanted to say to him, and that thought alone made me even more upset.

When I finally got home, I wanted nothing more than to go upstairs, to hide away again as I had done so many times before.

It was becoming a pattern; my life was becoming a pattern. Except, this time, Jasper wasn't here; he was the broken, missing piece that I wanted back.

I tried to be quiet as I shut the door behind me, but even that was loud enough for Mom to hear.

"Alice, is that you?" she called out from the living room. "Come in here and tell me how your interview went."

I stood, frozen to my spot, not wanting to face her. I didn't want her to see me in this state; I couldn't deal with her questions. But it was pointless, and I knew that it was going to happen regardless, I couldn't hide from her. But I still tried to move towards the stairs when I heard her come out into the hallway.

"Alice? Where are you going?" I tried to hide my face from her, but it didn't work, I knew it wouldn't. "Honey, what happened? Did something go wrong in the interview?"

She took my arm, leading me into the main room as she spoke. I vaguely saw Cynthia sitting on the couch as we did so. I shook my head in response to her question, not trusting my voice.

She frowned at me for a moment; I was tempted to ask if she really thought I'd be upset like this over a stupid interview I hadn't wanted to go to in the first place. I didn't though, I remained silent. It seemed to dawn on her, then, what I was distressed about.

"Did you see him?" she asked gently, rubbing her hand up and down my back. I nodded again, feeling my blotchy, swollen eyes well up all over again. She sighed and embraced me tightly. "You didn't have another argument, did you?"

_God, no_, I couldn't even bear the thought of another argument with him, not after what happened last time.

I sniffled and pulled back from her embrace. "No, I only saw him. I wanted to talk to him…but I couldn't do it."

There was a noise behind me as I finished, a huff of annoyance, and I turned around to see Cynthia pushing herself off the couch with an irritated expression spread across her face.

"What's your problem?" I asked, confused, wiping at my eyes.

She scowled, snorting as she looked me up and down quickly. "You're my problem, Alice. You come home crying because you saw Jasper. Big deal, it's your fault you're not talking to each other, anyway!"

My mouth fell open and I found myself unable to comprehend that she was saying this to me. I didn't have anything to say to her, I couldn't tell her that it wasn't my fault because a large part of it _was_ my fault. I'd said Robbie's name, I'd reacted badly to his apology, and I'd been the one to make him angrier.

I knew Jasper well enough to know that his temper got the better of him, and I'd only added fuel to the fire. Jasper had his part to play in this, too, but in my mind, when it came to who I thought was to blame, I was at the top of the list. It was my fault.

"Mom told me you slapped him," Cynthia continued, her voice harsh. "So it's hardly a surprise he doesn't want to talk to you!"

"Cynthia," Mom warned, coming to stand between us.

"No, she needs to snap out of moping around all the time!" Cynthia cried, raising her voice. "It's beginning to really get on my nerves. I see George nearly every day, and he isn't like this – Robbie was his _brother_! It's been nearly a year, and you're still acting like it happened yesterday!"

Her words hit me square in the chest, as if she'd struck me as each word was spoken. I couldn't believe it; I didn't want to hear it. She didn't know what this felt like at all; she was in no position to say this to me. But she was, and I couldn't escape it.

"You think I don't know that it's been nearly a year? You think just because George is okay, that everyone else should be, too?" I demanded harshly. The anguish I was feeling overpowering the anger this time. I wasn't going to let that out again. "You can't do that," I spat. "You can't compare us!"

Our father came in then and asked to know what was going on. Neither of us answered him, and whatever Mom told him, I didn't quite hear.

"My point is, you should have moved on."

"Do you think I'm not _trying_ to do that every single day?" I questioned, trying not to cry again.

She barked out a laugh. "It doesn't look that way to me right now."

"Pack it in, Cynthia," Dad instructed, his voice deep, serious.

"No!" She shot him a glare before turning her unsympathetic gaze onto me once again. "It's just the same as last year. All the crying and never leaving the house, all that's left is for you to wake us up with your screaming again!"

"Cynthia!" Mom gasped, covering her mouth with her hand.

Dad commanded her to get upstairs into her room, but I didn't hear anything more. My chest had tightened to a point where it was hard to breathe. Her words were revolving around and around my mind, stinging me all over again.

"It's not just Robbie anymore," I whispered as she left the room. There was so much more to it now than just Robbie.

_So much more_.

Dad followed her out; I could her him calling her name. But Mom stayed by my side, trying to comfort me, to calm me down. But I didn't want it, and I pulled away from her, out of her reach.

I sat down heavily on the couch, wrapping my arms around my body. I wanted to escape this feeling; I wanted to escape it all. But I couldn't, I was stuck here, trapped, and until I talked to Jasper, things were only going to get worse.

* * *

**6****th**** October 2009**

It was dry day outside; cold, but dry.

I moved with an unnatural slowness, as if the bones and muscles in my body were refusing to work. It was the sixth day of the tenth month, a year from the day Robbie died.

A whole year.

There had been a strong sense of foreboding in the days that preceded his anniversary. I spent my time alone, wondering how I was going to get through the whole twenty-four hours.

_It's just another day_, I told myself, _just like all the other days. Nothing was different; nothing had changed_.

It was just another day.

But in the back of my mind, one small, petty thought kept permeating my every move. After three fourteen in the afternoon, a time I was dreading, I could no longer say that this time last year, Robbie was alive, safe. I would never be able to say that again.

I was Mary Alice Brandon a year ago, and now I was just Alice, the girl, who, despite being afraid of change, had made the biggest transformation inside.

What the change was, I didn't even know. But everything was different, I wasn't the same person I used to be, and as I pushed the large iron gates open, I knew the change hadn't been a good one.

The biggest clues were what happened with Bella, and now Jasper. I was never an argumentative person, I rarely fell out with anyone before _it_ happened and now…I shook my head, I couldn't think about that, not right now.

I had to go on.

My legs felt like dead weight as I moved towards Robbie's grave. Closer and closer I got, until I could go no further. I collapsed down onto my knees in front of the headstone, feeling a sob rise up my throat as I thought _a whole year_. He'd been gone, absent for a whole year.

I could remember back to a time, years ago, when I'd said the exact same thing to him. It had been the last day in October, and I'd told him it had been a whole year since our first proper kiss. He'd said _I know_, in a voice that said he'd been thinking about that exact thing the whole day.

I'd smiled, and he'd smiled, too, and that memory felt like a whole lifetime ago now. In a way, I guess it was.

There were new flowers around the base of the stone, and my heart ached as I saw how fresh, how _alive_ they looked. In a couple of days, they would start to wilt, and in a few weeks, they'd be limp, dying, just like all the other flowers on neighbouring graves.

It was then that I realised in an entire year, I hadn't once brought flowers to his grave. What was the point of them? They brought nobody joy, not in this place.

I sunk further to the ground then, leaning forward and resting my head on my arms, as if they were pillows. My eyes closed, but tears still leaked from the corners.

The silence surrounding me was unnerving, it pushed against me. Even the wind was quiet, now, augmenting the fact I was well and truly alone.

For a long time, I remained in the same position, hoping to find a way escaping from this mess and coming out the other side, days from now, with a fresh start and a mind full of things to say to Jasper.

_Jasper._

But as the minutes passed by, I knew it wasn't going to happen. I was here, damned regardless. So I sat up, my cheeks stinging as the breeze hit my wet skin.

"I miss you," I sobbed, my body shuddering with each one that wracked through me. "I miss you so much."

I stared at his name until the tears blurred my vision, and only then did I close my eyes and pull myself up off the ground. I couldn't stay much longer, I knew that. Someone would turn up, someone would walk by, and I didn't want anyone to see me this way. I didn't want their questioning glances.

Maybe they would comfort me, or maybe they'd just speed up, walk right on by. In the back of my mind, I knew the latter was what I wanted, I didn't want them to comfort me, and I certainly didn't want to them to linger.

I didn't want anyone to see me.

It was a good thing the cemetery was empty, if there was anything to be thankful on this awful day, it was that.

Pulling a tissue from my pocket, I wiping at my eyes and nose, trying, at least, to get myself under better control. I looked at the headstone one last time, bidding it a silent farewell before turning away.

It was only then, as my heart leapt into my throat, that I realised I'd been wrong.

The cemetery wasn't empty at all.

* * *

**A/N: Who do you think is in the cemetery? *taps chin* I wonder…**

**What did you think of Cynthia's little rant at Alice? Was she in the right? Yes and no. Let me know what you think!**

**Sorry, I don't think I'll be giving out a teaser this week. You'll see why below. Aim: 845.**

**Ugh, it's come to a point where I've got to do **_**this **_**again. *sigh* I haven't completely written the next three chapters. 54 is pretty hard to write, as I'm sure you can imagine, 55 is a really long chapter that I'm only part way through, and 56…well, that just depends on when I get around to writing it. I hope it won't take too long :)**

**P.S vote in the poll on my profile.**


	55. Chapter 54

**A/N****: Chapter 54!**

**Sorry for the long wait, once you read the chapter, maybe you'll understand why it took so long.**

**To refresh your memory, we left off on Robbie's anniversary and Alice sees that she's not alone in the cemetery.**

**I'm sending love the size of England to my readers. Why? Because you're one of the reasons I keep going in this madness. Momma Koko, if I had my own personal Jasper, you know I'd share him with you.**

**Disclaimer****: Close your eyes for a moment and picture Jasper and Alice's babies. Oh…wait…Stephenie Meyer owns them, and rightfully, they are vampires…who cannot reproduce. Drat.**

* * *

**Chapter 54 - A Damage, Dark and Deep**

**6****th**** October 2009**

**Alice POV**

My heart pounded at the sight of him. He was here, but _why?_ It must have been for me; he had no other reason to be here. It was my first love buried here, not his. All of a sudden, I found myself crying again. I couldn't believe it, he'd still come...he was really here.

After everything we'd said, there he was, sitting on a bench not ten yards from where I was standing.

I reacted first, instinctively stepping towards him. He remained completely motionless, his hands in his lap and his eyes trained directly on me.

His gaze followed me as I got closer, the look on his face cautious, wary, almost. But that wasn't the only thing I saw. Frowning, I looked a little closer, starting with his eyes. They were murky and framed with dark circles. He looked tired, but it was more than that. He was paler, unshaven and thinner than I could remember.

He looked a mess and I couldn't ignore it.

Was it because of what happened between us last month? Or had something else occurred in between our time part? Even through all the pain that today brought, it still hurt to know he'd been suffering more than he already was.

The feeling wasn't something I expected to experience considering during our argument, _I'd_ been the one to make him suffer. But the feeling, it was _there_, and I knew, for a fact, I wouldn't find a fibre in my body that wanted to overlook it, not anymore.

I didn't even want to try.

Not knowing what to say to break the silence, I sat down next to him. The space between us was evident, but the silent tension was far worse. What did I say to him? How did I begin?

He hadn't even turned to look at me yet, and that was my biggest indication, if any, that I had to be the one to speak first.

"You came to find me," I whispered, my voice hoarse and uncertain. He half turned his head in my direction, and then stopped, turning it back again as if he'd decided against looking at me. The action hurt me. But I chastised myself for even feeling an iota of anguish for something I deserved.

"I promised I'd be here for you," he finally answered, _his_ voice sounding so different, yet so very familiar.

He clenched his hands together, the skin around his knuckles straining as he did so. "You shouldn't be alone…not today."

I stared at him, wishing he would look at me. I didn't understand. Who had he made that promise to? It wasn't imperative, but I wanted to know. However, I was too scared to ask, and I was even more scared to ask him to meet my gaze. There was a reason why he wasn't looking at me, and I didn't want to hear it, not now.

_Not ever_.

"You were alone," I told him quietly, remembering the day I'd realised Maria's anniversary had passed without my knowledge. He'd never told me what date it was. If I'd known, I would have gone to him, I would have been there. But he hadn't told me, and I'd never asked. I'd never even tried to find out.

"I chose to be alone." He turned his head, then, a quick, sharp movement as his gaze bore into mine. "You didn't choose this; you had no choice but to be alone."

_I deserved to be alone today_, I wanted to add, but I was unable to say anything as he looked at me. His furrowed brow made the torment swimming in his eyes seem even more ominous. But I didn't look away from him; I didn't want to shy away from it.

But then, as a grimace spread across his face, it was Jasper who looked away first, once again, staring downwards.

I took a deep breath, knowing that now the initial silence had been broken, I had to do it...I had to say something, even though I didn't know where to begin.

"Jasper," I started nervously. "I…"

But he cut me off, his voice unsteady. "Can we not do this here…please."

I nodded quickly, although I wasn't one hundred percent sure he noticed.

Glancing towards Robbie's grave, I knew why Jasper didn't want to talk here. I understood, and I felt the same. I didn't want to talk here, either.

Robbie had been at the heart of our argument, and to talk things through and move forward in front of his grave…it felt all wrong. Jasper was right; we couldn't do this here.

Before I could make a move, though, Jasper was up and walking away, his arms crossed in front of his chest. I jumped up from the bench, moving quickly to catch up with him.

His strides were a little too long, a little too quick, and by the time I'd stopped to take one last look at the grave, he was very nearly at the gates. I didn't call out to him, and instead, I made my way over to him in silence. I knew where his urgency came from; I knew why he wanted to leave so quickly. The way he held himself was the only clue I needed.

The crossed arms, the clenched hands and how he didn't look at me for more than a few seconds…they all told me what I needed to know – that something major had changed, something in him, in me…in our friendship.

We weren't the same people anymore.

When I reached his side, we began to move away from the cemetery. Somehow, as we walked, I began to feel a little lighter than I had in the past few weeks, as if some of the tension had been alleviated.

It was completely quiet as we made our way down the road; it was the first time we'd been in the cemetery together, and it was a strange sensation. It was only after taking a couple more steps did I realise my mistake.

My mind snapped back into focus, and I remembered that we had, in fact, been here together once before. It was on Robbie's birthday last year; he'd carried me through the snow, saved my life.

_What have I done to repay him_?

My heart ached as I looked at him, taking in his distant, pale expression. He seemed broken, and I couldn't help but feel hugely responsible for that. All I wanted to do was put him back together.

"Jasper…" The only sign that he'd heard me was the way the muscle around his eye twitched. I went on, knowing not to wait for a response. "I don't want to fight anymore, that's not what I want, it never was. I don't know how it happened."

I stopped to wrap my arms around myself a little tighter. "There isn't anything I can say that will justify the way I acted that day. I don't know why my initial reaction was as bad as it was, and it scares me, Jasper, to see how much I'm changing without even realising. I never used to be like thi-"

My voice broke, and I stopped once again to compose myself. I was a good friend before Robbie died, I didn't fall out with anyone and I certainly never started arguments.

But now…now I couldn't even promise him I'd never react the same way again because I just didn't know if it was a promise I could keep.

"I'm sorry," I whispered desperately. "I'm sorry that I hurt you so many times. I'm going to change, I can promise you that."

Once I'd finished speaking, I let out a deep breath, turning to face him, to gauge his reaction. He was still facing forward, his arms crossed in front of him, shielding his body. But his hands, which had been clutching at his shirt, were now untangled. They were still clenched, but it was a difference.

"I accept that," he finally said, turning his head to look down at my shoes.

I couldn't decipher the feeling that rushed through me. Consolation, and comfort, but most of all, I was relieved that he'd accepted what I'd told him. It had been one of my main concerns, that if we talked, he wouldn't want to hear what I had to say.

The fact he'd been the one to find me was promising, but I'd still been worried. However, if he hadn't have come to find me, I was certain I'd have paid him a visit in the coming week.

_Almost._

There still would have been the chance of him not being ready to talk, though, and that thought had been a constant nuance in the back of my mind.

Pulling myself from my thoughts, I focused on Jasper once again. From the expression on his face, I could tell there was something he wanted to say. I remained silent, waiting, until finally, he was ready.

His arm uncrossed, and he ran his hand over his hair briefly before returning to the same position.

"I'm sorry, too, Alice," he murmured, his voice sounding as sincere as I felt. I nodded immediately, welcoming his apology without a second thought. "I'm sorry for saying what I did. I regret the way I lost my temper. We were both upset, and I should have left before things got out of hand."

"It's not just you that should have stopped," I told him quietly, half interrupting him. "It's more my fault than yours. The way I behaved made you say the things you did…"

My voice faded away as I tried not to think about the specifics of that day.

All of a sudden, Jasper stopped walking. I came to a halt beside him and studied his appearance. His brow was pulled together as he looked at something over my shoulder.

"I'm not going to lie to you and say that I didn't mean what I said…because some of it, I meant." His gaze flickered to meet mine for a second before he looked away again. "I'm not going to pretend I liked him just to keep the peace, we'd be lying to each other if I did that."

I stared down at my feet as I processed his words. He'd meant what he said about Robbie; he didn't like him. But I'd known that already, and deep down, I knew one of the problems between us was the way we skirted around the subject of Robbie. We walked upon eggshells whenever he was mentioned.

I wasn't going to kid myself and pretend it didn't hurt to hear that he hadn't liked Robbie. However, Robbie was gone, a year had passed since his death, and if I held onto the protectiveness I had over him, I'd never move on, let alone change, as I'd promised Jasper I would only moments before.

"Alice…if we're going to move forward, we _have_ to leave this behind." His brow pulled together, as if he was struggling with his words. "What we think of him…we have to move passed that. If we don't, he's going to come between us again, and again, and I don't _want_ that to happen."

He looked down again as he finished, his hands deep in his pockets. I kept my eyes trained on him, wishing he'd look up and meet my gaze so that he'd see I agreed with him.

_Look at me, Jasper_.

It was as if I'd spoken aloud.

He head lifted, and suddenly he was staring straight into my eyes for the first time since he'd appeared in the cemetery.

"You're right, I have to leave this behind us now…" I barely blinked as I spoke, not wanting him to look away yet. "I don't want us to lie to each other, and I don't want to…to let him come between us anymore. It won't do us any good; what happened in August is proof of that."

Whether he was surprised or taken aback by what I'd said, I couldn't tell. All I knew was that he could see I understood. I wanted to read his mind, to hear the thoughts that were roaming within it. I knew he was thinking, his silence told me that.

"I don't want to repeat what happened in August," Jasper said slowly, his tone direct. "I can't…go through this again. This is it."

_This is it_.

In that moment, I wanted to promise him that it wouldn't happen again, that this _was_ it, and we'd never have to look back at times when things were better ever again. But, like before, I couldn't promise that I wouldn't react as I had because I just didn't know.

However, I _was_ certain of one thing. I wanted to change. I wanted to turn things around, and that was enough for a starting point. So I nodded, knowing that there were no room for inaccuracies, or half truths, not now.

When I finally looked away from him to see where we were, I realised we were only two streets away from Jasper's house. I certainly hadn't led us here, which meant that either Jasper had taken us here on purpose, or it was just a coincidence.

I didn't say anything, however, and let him walk in silence. It was only when we turned into his street that I felt the need to say something.

"Are you going home?" I asked tentatively.

He nodded. "I think I should…"

"Okay," I said softly.

I didn't make a further comment, knowing know that we needed to take this slowly. I didn't know what I'd been expecting from this initial meeting, but for some reason, I was taken aback by the briefness of our reunion. But, I supposed it was a start, and I needed to focus on the positive.

We didn't wait around after that, and soon enough, we were outside the house, just standing there, not knowing what to say. I wanted to ask when I would see him again, whether I could call him, or whether he would prefer to wait until he _wanted_ to see me again.

But he didn't say a word, and neither did I because somehow, I couldn't seem to find my voice.

"Goodbye, Alice," he said finally, turning away from me. But he caught himself half way and paused, his brow furrowing as though he was remembering something.

I waited for him to speak. But he didn't; he just turned away again and walked up the path. Only when he reached the door did he look back once before closing it behind him. He didn't linger, he wasn't hesitant in his departure. It stung a little, and a part of me wished that he had.

Closing my eyes, I inhaled deeply, filling my lungs will the cool, fresh air. It felt better to know that we'd talked and passed this initial hurdle. Except, what happened now? It was all so complicated. By no means was it going to be easy; I never expected it to be straightforward.

But…he could barely look at me, and I didn't know what to do next.

_How long would it take for us to be comfortable together again? Would we ever be_?

Opening my eyes once again, I looked down at my watch and felt my breath gush out of me as I saw the time.

_Three forty-two_.

I'd passed Robbie's time of death, and I hadn't even been conscious of it. That realisation didn't upset me, and I was glad. To know it had passed, to know I hadn't dreaded every second leading up to it, and descended into tears as I watched the minute hand flicker onto fourteen…it was a relief.

"Thank you," I whispered, looking towards Jasper's front door. He would never hear my gratitude for this certain moment, but I would work to make up for it, to make things better between us once again.

Turning away from the house, I slowly started making my way back home. Now that Robbie's anniversary had passed, I could begin to move on from it and focus on Jasper, my friends, and turning my life around.

Finally, I felt free.

* * *

**10****th**** October 2009**

Over the next few days, things seemed to get better. The changes were slow, but they were improving all the same. My cell phone had been switched on more in those few days than it had in the past month.

Messages and missed calls came through from each of my friends, and after reading through them all, I felt incredibly guilty. I hadn't wanted to talk to them, let alone tell them how I was doing. I didn't feel in any fit state to communicate with them, but I knew now that I shouldn't have kept them in the dark.

They were my best friends; they'd been there for me for years. None of them deserved it. My thoughts had been on Jasper, but they should have been on them, too.

I'd called each of them to apologise, to let them know that I was okay and I hadn't meant to abandon them, to turn into the terrible friend I clearly was. They'd accepted my apology too easily, never once asking me to explain myself, never asking me why I'd done what I had.

However, I did discover that it wasn't just me Jasper had been avoiding. They'd all called him, but the phone had rung out each time. Nobody actually voiced it, but they all seemed as concerned as I was. Edward was the only one who'd actually spoken to him, but when he told me, I resisted the temptation to ask what they'd talked about.

As worried as I was, it wasn't fair to pry. Besides, I could sense a strong friendship had formed between Edward and Jasper, I could hear it in the way he spoke, and I was certain, if I _had_ asked, Edward wouldn't have told me.

Bella was the last person I spoke to, not because she was the hardest to call, but because she was the one I needed to talk to about this. Though things hadn't been good between her and Jasper, she'd told me, before they'd left for college that she was going to start again and try to make amends with him.

I hadn't explained everything to her, though I did tell her there were more things pulling me and Jasper together than pulling us apart. She didn't ask me to explain, perhaps realising that whatever it was, it was personal to Jasper.

It was the same when I told her that we'd argued the day after everyone had left. I didn't go into specifics, not wanting to relive it, but the main reasons and points she knew.

When I'd finished explaining, she hadn't really known what to say, apart from telling me not to rush him. In a way, I hadn't been expecting her to be specific, I'd only been hoping for someone to talk to. It had helped, as I knew it would. It was something we used to do whenever either of us have a problem.

"You'll work it out. After everything that's happened…you'll get through this," she'd told me when I'd asked if she thought we'd get passed it.

It was a couple of days after that when I saw Jasper again. I'd just finished signing my contract at the store. I was due to start in a couple of weeks, and I needed some time to absorb the idea. Impulsively, I decided to try and catch Jasper after his shift at Newtons.

I wasn't completely sure how he was going to react when he saw me waiting for him, and I realised, belatedly, as I stood outside, that it would have been better if I'd called him first. But, by that time, it was too late. He was due out in minutes, and the odds of him catching me walking away were too high.

So I held my ground, and in no time at all, the door opened and he stepped outside. He looked at me straight away, as if he was expecting me there. I gave him a weak smile and watched as he made his way over to me.

"Hi," he said dully.

It struck me how similar he was compared to when I'd seen him last. Nothing had changed, he seemed just as despondent. Things had improved for me, albeit minutely. But with Jasper? He was exactly the same.

"Hey, Jas, I'm sorry for just showing up like this…"

He shrugged his shoulders before I could go on, and I was effectively silenced. "I saw you walk up earlier," he replied, taking me by surprise. "I knew you were out here."

_He saw me_?

His gaze flicked to me momentarily before he started walking. I quickly fell into step beside him, and for a while, we walked without saying a word. It was like before, in that we walked in the direction of his home. But this time was different, even if only slightly, it wasn't the same.

"How was work?" I blurted out suddenly.

I grimaced as the words left my mouth. I was asking anything just to break the silence. It was small talk, and as he glanced at me, I knew he knew that, too. Small talk wasn't something we did, we never needed it, save from when we first met.

_Oh, God, how things had changed_.

"Work was fine," he said eventually, his tone still flat and devoid of any emotion.

I studied his expression and said, "You sound tired," before I could stop myself. He gave me a sideways look, and I knew his imminent answer before he even opened his mouth.

"It's not because of work."

In that moment, I wanted him to know that he could talk to me about it, whatever it was. I knew it wasn't just our situation making him like this, it was something at home and I wanted him to know that I was here to listen to him, no matter what.

Except…we'd never needed to say it before, we just used to know, without words, that we were there for each other.

Did that still apply now?

It wasn't Jasper's way to talk about himself, especially when asked directly. If he didn't bring something up himself, it was unlikely he would do it when prompted. I could remember once, on his birthday, asking him if he needed to talk. He'd declined my offer immediately. I knew now if he'd wanted to talk that day, he would have done.

It was the same now; if he wanted to talk, he could, I just had to wait. It made me wonder, then, if he _would_ talk to me about it, whether he would open up again as he used to.

It saddened me to see what we'd become.

Silence settled over us again, outwardly, at least. My mind was awash with questions, both for myself and for him. I baulked at asking him anything, though. I knew he'd reply...probably...of course he would.

The real uncertainty lay in _how_ he'd respond. There were so many tangible differences.

So I decided to go for the safest question, safest for me, at least. He didn't like to talk about Emily with anyone else, with people who didn't know her. But with me, it was different.

_At least, it used to be_.

"How's Emily doing with the new year of school?" I asked after taking a deep, calming breath.

His expression seemed to soften at the mention of his six year old sister. I relaxed slightly; feeling relieved that that aspect between us hadn't changed.

"She's okay, I guess," he murmured, pushing his hands into his pockets. "She doesn't really like the teacher as much, though. But she has Nessie and Frankie, and whoever else she's friends with, so she'll be alright."

I smiled to myself at this; the first time I'd smiled in a long time. "Mrs Richards, right?"

He nodded.

"She was there when I was Emily's age. I didn't really like her when I started her class, either. But Bella and-"

His name caught in my throat, and I came to a stop, not fully understanding why I did. I just…didn't want to continue; I didn't want to say it. Jasper sensed this, as I knew he would, and stopped, too.

"You can say his name, Alice," he told me as his right hand pulled at his hair. "He's integrated into everything, I know that. I'm not…I'm not going to expect you to never mention him. Your childhood memories are full of him, as mine are of Maria. I don't want you to not think or talk about them just because of me."

"I know," I whispered. "I just…I don't want to talk about all those memories anymore."

I turned my eyes downwards as the melancholy feeling took over me suddenly. I'd never thought about it much before; I'd just avoided talking, or even thinking about those memories, knowing that when I did, I got upset.

Jasper was right, all of those memories involved Robbie.

When I looked up again, Jasper had a look of understanding on his face. He nodded slowly, wordlessly, and gradually, we started on our way once again. It was then I got the impression that a silent message had passed between us.

_It's okay_.

We were nearly at Jasper's street when he started to talk. I held my breath, knowing this was what had been on his mind earlier.

"Emily has been asking after…her father," he informed me quietly, his voice distant as he studied the pavement ahead of him. "She wants to talk to him…to get to know him."

The tone in his voice held pain and fear and uncertainty, and my heart went out to him all over again. He was Emily's protector, the one she looked up to, and now she was reaching out to their father and he didn't know what to do.

"Mom told me he's happy, that he's eager to start this relationship with her," he went on, his hands wringing together now. "They want to set up meetings between them…all they need is to make sure I'm okay with it."

He exhaled; his breath was shaky and stilted. His voice wavered slightly as he went on. "But…I don't know if I'm ready to watch it happen…to watch everything fall into place around me."

I looked at him, feeling a physical ache at what I saw. His face was so torn and conflicted. The anguish he was feeling tore at me quickly, and I didn't even think as I reached out to embrace him. I'd seen that expression before, he needed comfort, and I wanted to give that to him.

I _needed_ to give it to him.

With my arms raised, I stepped towards him. "Jasper..."

But just as my hand was about to close over his arm, everything changed. My breath caught in my throat as I watched Jasper flinch and jerk away from me. His eyes darted between my face and my outstretched hand as his own hand flew to his hair, pulling at it in what I now knew was a sign of distress.

Dismay swept over me as I realised the depth of the damage inflicted on Jasper, by me, his parents, and Maria's death. It was worse than I could ever have imagined, and I was so utterly horrified that I barely registered the sting of his rejection.

I just stared at him, completely frozen to the spot.

He was so far away from me now, the distance was too great. Though we were metres apart, the space between us was like a chasm, dark and deep, and I knew, as my chest constricted, that I couldn't cross it.

_I couldn't reach him_.

* * *

**A/N****: Was it worth the wait?**

**Koko23cat wrote most of that ending. I wrote the bones of it, but she took it and made it look a million times better. I wish I had her talent.**

**Like last time, there won't be any teasers for the next chapter, as I haven't actually written it yet. I did think about waiting until I finished that chapter before posting this one, but that would have taken too long.**

**I'm forty-one reviews away from nine hundred, help me get there?**


	56. Chapter 55

**A/N: Chapter 55!**

***gasp* I suck. My apologies for that, but the chapter is finally here! Took me a while, but I hope you like it.**

**I just want to thank koko23cat for helping me with too many things to list, munch0990 for being my cheerleader and making me smile, and finally vegetarianvamps, just because I love her.**

**Disclaimer****: I don't own this disclaimer…or Twilight.**

* * *

**Chapter 55 - Best Defence**

**10****th**** October 2009**

**Jasper POV**

The tension surrounding us was palpable; I couldn't avoid it. It forced itself against me, stealing my breath away. She'd tried to hug me, and I couldn't, _I couldn't_ let that happen. Just the thought of it was too much to handle.

I knew for certain that the moment her hand touched me, I would have shoved her away from me and ran; a kneejerk reaction that I wouldn't have been able to control. Even now it was taking everything I had not to bolt.

I had to get away from her. There was only so much more I could take before I cracked.

Her expression was conflicted when I looked at her; she seemed torn about what to do next. But, most of all, she looked aghast, like something was suddenly making sense to her.

"Jasper…"

There was a questioning intonation in the way she said my name, as if she was asking me something. But what? _What can I say to you_? _What can I do_? _Alice, there's nothing_…_I can't_.

I backed away from her, my chest tightened as the urge to run got even stronger. I curled my fingers into my hair, tugging at the thick strands as I whirled around, not being able to get a handle on the deafening silence.

_Go, Jasper_.

As soon as I heard my inner thought, I knew I'd lost my battle. My legs were moving before I was even aware of it, and I couldn't stop now, even if I wanted to. I couldn't tell if she followed me, or whether she called after me. I blocked her out; I blocked everything out, solely focusing on keeping one foot in front of the other.

The second I was around the corner, I started running, pushing myself to the limit. I needed to do it, for my sake and Alice's. Right now, running from her was my best defence. I needed it, I craved that space, and if I didn't give myself that, it would have all been so much worse than it already was.

My feet pounded against the ground, but I pushed myself further, wanting to get away from it all as fast as I could.

_If only that was possible_.

I wasn't sure how long I ran, though I was certain I'd very nearly run out of town by the time I'd stopped. The road I collapsed onto was deserted, partially surrounded by the forest.

Trying to catch my breath, I ducked my head, resting it against my knees. I felt lost out here, alone, and worse than ever. _Who could I go to_? There wasn't anyone, not here.

I knew who I needed, and I gritted my teeth, scrunching my eyes shut. I wanted Maria; I fucking needed her more now than I had in a long time. I wanted to feel her arms around me, cradling me, just as she did when my father walked out. She was my rock; she'd been the one to hold me together.

But she was gone, and the closest thing I had was-

Before I knew it, my cell was out my pocket and I'd dialled her number.

"Hello," she said after the third ring.

My body trembled as I returned to my previous position. "Charlotte…"

The noises around her cut out, and I knew she'd moved to a quieter area. "Jasper, what's happened? Talk to me…"

"I'm lost, Charlotte…I don't know what to do, anymore…"

Ultimately, that was it, and it was _always _going to be that. I was lost and I didn't know what to do at all. I had reached the bottom; I was at my utmost weakness, and I wasn't sure how to pull myself up again.

"What is it?" she demanded shakily, as if fearing the worst from me. "Has something happened?"

I choked on the sob I'd been holding back as tears sprung in my eyes. "Everything has gone wrong…even…I can't even _look_ at her. It hurts…Charlotte…"

There was a long silence; all I could hear was her laboured breathing. "Who? Do you mean Alice?"

My silence gave her the answer she was looking for. I couldn't say her name, and Charlotte knew that.

"What happened?" Jasper, please…"

"Everything has changed," I whispered brokenly. "It's all changed."

The silence was deafening, and I gripped my hair, wishing I could give her a proper answer instead of the obscure riddles I was throwing at her. _But where would I begin?_ There was too much to say, too much had gone wrong, and Charlotte would never be able to understand it all.

But…nobody could.

"Come home, if you need to, just come home," she whispered, the emotions thick in her voice. "You can stay with me, or even Peter; whatever you want. You, me and Peter, that hasn't changed."

My chest tightened at her words. She was wrong, but I didn't have it in me to correct her. We changed; the change occurred the moment Maria died, and there was nothing I could do to reverse that.

We'd changed, just as everything else had.

* * *

Over the next couple of days I really thought about going home to Texas. The idea of taking up Charlotte's proposal was incredibly tempting. It was too easy to book a ticket, pack my bags and stay with her family for a few days. I even came close to discussing it with Mom.

But then I started to really think about it. What would it achieve? All I would be doing was running from Forks, and my problems weren't even _there_. My problems were in _me_; _I_ was the fucking problem, and until I sorted myself out, I wasn't going to get any better.

Besides, I didn't have a home there anymore.

That thought alone was enough to put me in a foul mood, one that was even worse than before. I was bad company, the worst possible kind, and those who were unfortunate enough to spend time with me bore the brunt of it, my mother especially.

My father's appearances had been sporadic, but when he was around, there would be the same expression on his face every single time he looked at me. A concerned, troubled gaze that wouldn't fucking go away. I didn't want to see it because it served as a reminder of how truly fucked up I was, and how my frame of mind was affecting those around me.

I didn't need to see that from _him_.

It seemed all I managed to do was drag people down with me.

Even Emily was looking distressed, and though she didn't always show it in obvious ways, I could sense it in the way she sat next to me, snuggling close to my side, or trying to hold my hand.

The only problem was, I didn't have the energy to react, and it wasn't just because I wasn't sleeping properly. It was so much more than that, and I couldn't comprehend it.

Everything about the days that followed reminded me of the weeks after Maria died, when all I wanted to do was give up.

* * *

**13****th**** October 2009**

The sky was a dull grey colour, and I was most certain it would rain later today. However, right now it was just a little windy, and as I breathed in, I knew it was the perfect time to go running.

I hadn't properly ran in a long time, save from last week, of course, and that had reminded me what it was like. Though, if running from things metaphorically counted, I'd be a fucking pro by now. But I pushed that to the back of my mind, knowing that this was about forgetting everything for a while.

After adjusting my hooded sweater, I started running. The cold air stung my lungs at first, but I quickly got used to it as I began pacing myself. Even though it was just after eight in the morning, there were relatively few people around, and those that I did come across paid little attention as I ran by.

The peacefulness was good, it helped to clear my mind for a while, and though it was a foreign feeling, I welcomed it.

I was about two streets from the centre of town when I ran around the corner of the road, barrelling straight into someone much shorter than I was. I apologised straight away, instinctively taking hold of their arms to keep them upright; the last thing I needed was to knock them to the floor.

It was only when I looked down at their face did it register. Of course, fate intervened once again; a chance meeting.

My hands dropped from her arms as if she was hot coal, and I recoiled, my mind crowded and buzzing once again. Her eyes widened when she looked at me, and for a few seconds, we stared at each other in complete silence.

Without thinking, I whipped around and started walking away. My heart was racing, and I knew it wasn't just because of my run. But after only two steps, I heard it. My name, like a whisper, and my breath caught in my throat at the strength of sadness in her voice.

It was hurting her to see me walk away, and though what she had done, and her mere presence was hurting me, the thought of causing her even more pain made it hard for me to walk away.

I wasn't sure why, but I stopped and turned to face her once again. Her eyes were closed, her head bowed slightly; I wasn't sure she even knew I'd stopped.

I took my chance to study her, and straight away I knew something was different. I couldn't quite pinpoint the change – there was more than one. It was something on her face, something so minute I was sure she didn't even realise the difference. It was there in the way she held herself, too, though that was such a small change, as well.

I couldn't understand how I was noticing it, nor could I work out what it _was_ I noticed in the first place. It was only when she absently touched her wrist did I realise what was different about her.

She wasn't wearing her charm bracelet. The one Robbie had given her, it was gone, and I was certain she didn't just _forget_ to put it on. She had purposely taken it off. She was leaving him behind and moving forward, just as she said she would.

My gaze flickered away from her wrist before she had the chance to notice I was looking. What would I have done if she saw me looking at her wrist? What could I have said to her? Yet again, there were no words for that, none at all.

When she opened her eyes, she looked surprised to see me standing in front of her, but she hid it well a few seconds later.

"Were you going somewhere?" she asked, her voice holding a slight tremor, as if she was nervous.

I shook my head, feeling my gaze lowering to her wrist once again. "I was out running, that's all."

She seemed to contemplate it for a moment before nodding. "I'm just on my way to work," she continued, as if I'd just returned her question. She paused, as if to leave me time to respond, then looked over her shoulder when I didn't say anything.

"Will you walk with me?"

I stared in the direction we'd go in for a while, feeling a prominent part of me wanting to say no. But when my gaze slowly travelled back to her, I knew I had to say yes. Running away from this, from her, was all too easy. It was there for the taking, all I had to do was turn my back to her.

Yet, I couldn't because I knew I needed to get better, and the only way to do that was to move forward. Running from her was like taking two huge steps back; all I would achieve was making the road I had to go down even longer.

When I stepped towards her, she took it as enough confirmation and started walking, too. I could sense she knew I didn't want to walk too close to her, as she seemed to keep her distance.

We were completely silent, yet I still felt uneasy, and I couldn't quite work out what was making me feel that way. Being that we were so close to the store, it didn't take very long to get there at all, and as we neared, I could tell she had something she wanted to say, she just couldn't find the words.

It was only when we got to the entrance that she finally spoke. "Jasper…we need to talk. Can I see you later?"

I opened my mouth, and then closed it again when I realised there was nothing to say. I couldn't formulate the sentence.

"We could go to the park," she went on, her teeth worrying her bottom lip as she did so. "Please?"

I deliberated for a moment, knowing she was giving me an easy escape route if we met at the park. If she came over to my house, it would be too hard to talk to her, giving the memories we'd shared there. Plus, if she was there, I wouldn't be able to leave.

If we went to her house, it would remind me too much of our argument, and any chance of a normal conversation would be out the window the second I'd walk in through the front door.

The park was the best place to go. I'd be able to leave at any time, and though the thought of things getting so bad that I had to leave wasn't a good one, I still saw it as an incentive.

When I pulled myself from my thoughts, Alice was staring up at me with pleading eyes. In my silence, I wondered just how long I'd been deep in thought.

"What time?" I asked gruffly, finding my voice once again. I was well aware of the fact I hadn't actually accepted her offer, but she seemed satisfied with my question as she informed me she was finishing work at three thirty, so meeting at four would be best.

"I'll see you later, then." Her words filled the silence, the hidden question within them as plain as day to me. It wasn't a statement; it was a question. Would I be there at four? Who knew? Even Alice doubted me, and she had good reason.

Time was getting on, she had to go in, and we both knew it. In the end, she didn't wait for me to respond. Instead, she said goodbye, and disappeared through the doors. I watched for a moment before walking away.

I was already gone by the time she looked back over her shoulder.

* * *

I very nearly didn't go; I came so very close to ditching the whole idea. I still didn't know if I wanted to talk to her after what happened the other day. But, in the end, regardless of everything that happened, Alice deserved more than me standing her up or leaving her waiting.

So as four fast approached, I started making my way towards the park. I'd stalled as I went to pick Emily up from school, but now there was nothing stopping me from going to meet her.

She was there waiting for me, as I knew she would be. I approached from behind, though somehow she still knew I was there, turning around to catch me staring at the bench. She didn't say anything at first, and after a while, I joined her.

We sat in silence for a minute or so before I felt her gaze on me. I shifted uneasily and half turned my head in her direction. Alice still didn't say anything, so I took a deep breath and met her eye.

_I'm here now, so talk_.

Her grey eyes studied mine for a moment before she gave me a small nod, as if replying to my inner thoughts.

"I got a call from Oakland yesterday."

It took me a minute to remember what the hell Oakland was. I'd all but forgotten about the college Alice was supposed to be attending this year.

"They wanted to know if I was going to attend next September, or whether they should give my place to someone else," she continued quietly, fiddling with her sleeves as she spoke. "I'm thinking of accepting the offer this time. But…I'm not sure."

It truly dawned on me then what she was getting at; she was leaving, or at least thinking about it.

"What's stopping you?" I asked bluntly, trying to keep the bitterness from my voice. Nothing was stopping her from going; she didn't have any responsibility to think about like I did.

"You are."

She said it so quietly that I wasn't sure she'd spoken, and when my gaze flashed to her, I knew I hadn't heard wrong. I was stopping her. Me, only me.

"What do you mean?" I croaked out, my throat dry.

I watched as a wave of sadness washed over her expression. "I don't want to leave you alone."

I swallowed heavily at the frankness in her voice. "I'll be fine."

_Lies_.

"Will you?" she whispered, calling me out on it. "Even if you would be, it's not the point, Jasper. I don't want to leave you on your own."

"I can manage on my own," I insisted, knowing it was a half truth, but also knowing I couldn't. It was silent for a long while as she looked ahead of us. Everything was so hushed that I heard her quiet sigh loud and clear.

"They asked if I could let them know by the end of the week…I guess I have to call them soon."

I nodded quickly, an abrupt movement that wasn't even an acceptance of what she'd said. She had to call them in the next few days and tell them she would attend next September. That was just under a year away, but even so, time would pass quickly. She'd move forward, and then she would leave and do something with her life.

A dull panic settled into my chest as I realised I didn't want that. I didn't want her to move on and leave me behind. But…it was happening already, and though I found it hard to be around her right now, I didn't want to lose her.

In the end, though, I knew I would let her go. I'd always let her go if it was what she wanted, but not before I'd pushed her away, first.

I already knew that was going to happen; I'd push her away because _somehow_, in the recesses of my fucked up mind, that scenario was easier to process than having to watch her leave. If she thought I didn't need her, she'd have no reason to stay.

I'd started the process of separation the moment she told me. I was backing away, telling her I'd be fine and that I'd manage on my own. That was bullshit, and we both knew it.

I wouldn't manage, of course I fucking wouldn't.

But what the hell could I say to her? _Don't leave_? _Stay and look after me_? I wasn't her fucking responsibility; she didn't owe that to me, and it certainly wasn't her fault I was too messed up to do anything about it myself.

I'd told her before that I couldn't go through this again, and that was still true. I _couldn't_ do this again, it would tear me apart. But despite all that, deep down, I knew it didn't matter.

In my heart, I knew that I could never walk away from her for good, and that realisation scared the shit out of me.

Sighing, I tore my gaze from hers, turning away once again. Either way, I was fucked, and I wasn't sure I had the energy to follow it through.

* * *

**A/N****: At one point, I did think about sending Jasper back to Texas for a while. But no…that would work against what happens later, so I decided not to.**

**Share some love? I'm so close to nine hundred! Crazy stuff. Teasers will be handed out in return for reviews, so you know what to do.**

**I listened to 'I So Hate Consequences' by Relient K a lot whilst writing this. If you're familiar with that song, you might recognise the line I borrowed/altered to fit into the chapter. Hint, it's in the chapter title, too. It's my new Jasper song right now. I'll post a link to it on my blog - - I blame koko for that, she got me into the whole blog thing again!**


	57. Chapter 56

**A/N****: Chapter 56!**

**It's my birthday…for another hour or so, at least. I don't know about you guys, but I've met some truly amazing people through this fandom. PIC, koko, you know why I'm thanking you.**

**The wait wasn't as bad as last time. Hopefully it shouldn't be that long again, but *touches wood* I don't want to jinx that.**

**I know I take forever to complete a story, but thank you, readers, for sticking by me for so long.**

**Disclaimer****: While Frankie McCarty I own, Emmett McCarty I don't.**

* * *

**Chapter 56 - Taking It Slow**

**18****th**** October 2009**

**Jasper POV**

It was about two days later that Alice text me saying she had confirmed her place at Oakland. The dull panic still hadn't dispelled, and I was thankful it was a text and not face to face. Text messages were easier to handle, I could react to them privately and reply in my own time.

The only thing was, I didn't actually reply to her.

What was there to say? _That's great news, Alice_. Even through the text, she'd be able to read the falseness in those words, just as if I'd spoken them aloud.

I didn't know what to think about it at all. So much would happen in the coming months, and all I could think was _she's leaving_. If things got better, it would undoubtedly get worse when she leaves. If things got progressively worse, how was it going to be when she wasn't around anymore?

A fucking nightmare.

The latter thought nauseated me to the point I could barely eat a full meal. Mom tried to get me to open up and explain what was going on, but I couldn't tell her. To do that, I had to fully understand it myself, first.

At the base of it all, the fact was I was terrified of losing the girl I was having a hard time being alone with. But who was I to ask her to stay? I didn't have the right to ask her to rearrange her dreams of the future just because I couldn't bear to see her go.

Everything around me was all so fucked up, and it was just adding more and more layers every day.

Soon enough I'd be buried underneath it all with no way out.

Even when I tried not to think about it too much, it was still _there_. I needed a distraction, but what fucking distractions were there available for me to take advantage of?

Three days after the initial text, she sent me another. All it said was: '4pm?' Straight away I knew what she meant. She wanted to meet me in the park again, but this time, it would be even harder because there was the fact she was going to Oakland to take into account.

Coincidently, Mom had pointed out that Emily had a birthday party to go to. Emmett's youngest brother, Frankie, was turning seven, and Emily was invited to the party. Mom couldn't take her, due to work, or something, and as I was the only one available, I had to drop her off at the house.

The party was due to start at three, which meant I was free to see Alice afterwards. I honestly didn't know what to do. I could either go home, claiming I didn't know she meant to meet up, or drop Emily off and do the right thing by actually going to see her.

I knew I had to choose the latter, but that didn't make it any easier. In the end, I decided to drop Emily off at Emmett's house and decide from there.

Emily was excited about the party, and as we walked, I had to stop her from skipping off ahead of me. From what I gathered, Emily and Frankie were quite close, and it made me wonder if that kind of scenario always happened – the boy and girl being friends as children and growing up together.

That shit was only seen in movies, yet it was everywhere I fucking looked these days.

When we got to the house, I could already hear the racket from inside, and idly, I speculated how the hell Sarah McCarty coped. Emily was very well behaved; we had it easy with her, but Frankie? If he was anything like his older brothers, he was bound to be a cheeky little shit, and being that it was his birthday, the usual level of annoyingness was going to be pushed up a notch.

Sarah looked a little frazzled when I knocked on the door. She greeted me with her usual cheery persona, though, and told Emily where to find the others. The moment Emily was gone I felt the faux personality disappear. It was an automatic response, instinctive, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

When I snapped out of my realisation, I found that Sarah was studying me with a look of concern across her face. I could tell she was trying to hide it, but I'd seen too many versions of that emotion over the past few months, and I was becoming a professional at spotting it these days.

Luckily, their dog came up behind her and started barking. Sarah sighed and shushed it, before looking at me exasperatedly. "He hasn't been out for his walk today, and with all these kids here, he's getting over excited."

"I can take him, if you like?" The words were out my mouth before I could think it through. "I'm going to the park, anyway."

She looked at me curiously for a moment. "Are you sure? It would be a great help to have him out the way for a while."

I nodded, and tried to make it look like I really wanted to help out. In a way, I did. But who was I kidding? If I had to take the dog for a walk in the park, that meant I would be there to meet Alice. It was like an assurance, a sure factor that I wouldn't stand her up.

Sarah disappeared after that and came back with his lead, a ball and a few dog treat. She explained that I shouldn't let him off the lead until we got to the park, but apart from that, it was up to me what happened.

A minute later, we'd said goodbye and I was on my way, Brian barking happily every once in a while. In all honesty, I didn't know what the fuck I was doing with a dog. As a child, we had a cat called Ray, but after that, we didn't have any other pets. Emmett was the first person I knew to actually have a pet dog.

When I got to the park, I let Brian off the lead and threw the ball Sarah had given me earlier. He zoomed after it enthusiastically while I slouched onto the nearest bench. I didn't have the energy to do this shit; however, the dog seemed more than happy enough to trot back over to me with the ball in its mouth every time I threw it.

I'd thrown it a couple more times when my phone started ringing. It was just after three thirty, so it could quite possibly be Alice. I tensed at that thought and retrieved my phone, only to frown when I saw it was Emmett calling me, instead.

I took a deep breath, trying to find the willpower to talk to him. "Hello."

I all but jumped when he hollered my name in response. I scowled in silence; feeling irritated all of a sudden, by the panicked intonation in his voice. What the hell was he thinking?

"Why the fuck you shouting?" I demanded sharply.

I felt bad the moment it was out. I shouldn't have snapped at him like that, but there was Jack shit I could do about it now.

"Sorry," he said weakly, and fell into silence. I sighed quietly and ran my hands over my face.

"What do you want, Emmett?"

He didn't answer at first, as if he was chewing over his response. "I'm just calling to see how you're doing. You know, I haven't talked to you in a while, so…"

He left the sentence hanging, and I knew that was my queue to say something, to tell him _how I was doing_. But he didn't want to hear the truth; that shit was best kept private. So I lied, just as I always did because he sounded worried, and there was no point making it worse than there was fuck all he could do about it.

"I'm fine," I told him quickly, once I'd found my voice. "I'm just taking your dog for a walk."

The silence that greeted me made it evident he knew I wasn't answering him truthfully. He needed that lie, though, much like how I needed to change the subject for my own sake. The last thing I needed was for him to confront me about it.

"He's a lively little fuck, isn't it?" I continued offhand, watching Brian run around with the ball in its mouth. It wasn't even bothering to bring the ball back to me anymore.

"Yeah, he's a McCarty, it's what we do," he replied, and I pinched the bridge of my nose at the downhearted tenor he'd adopted. I felt bad; how could I not? He'd made the effort to call me, and all I'd done was shout and make him feel like shit.

I didn't fucking deserve friends. I was right, before; all I did was drag people down with me.

I was about to ask him how he was, and whether his course was going well, when I saw movement from the corner of my eye. I froze and looked over to see Alice approaching.

"Emmett, I gotta go," I told him quickly, not knowing what I had to go from – the call, or Alice? _Fuck_. "Look…I'm sorry for snapping at you earlier."

My weak apology had to suffice for now as I cut the call without hearing his reply. I'd have to call him back at some point, but I couldn't think about that now as I shoved my phone into my pocket, forgetting about Emmett as Alice got closer. I watched as she sent me a feeble smile before sitting on the opposite end of the bench.

"Hi."

"Hi…" I said quietly, examining her appearance. She looked exhausted. Maybe work had been taxing on her today, but most likely there was something else, I just didn't have it in me to ask.

"I didn't know if you'd come today," she said softly, staring out across the park. "I can understand if you didn't want to see me."

I stared at my lap, passing the lead through my fingers. "I'm sorry, Alice," I whispered, knowing it was about time I explained a few things. "It's not that I don't want to see you…but…"

_Shit, how do I say this?_

"I don't know how to explain it to you," I finally murmured after my pause, still not looking at her. "It's like…I feel as if I can't spend time with you without some shit fucking it up. Just thinking about the way we were together…it makes me _uncomfortable_ right now, and I…"

I looked at her, seeing her worried, grey eyes staring back. "I don't know how to deal with it. We were so close, Alice, and it just…_changes_ _everything_. What's to say we won't get too close, and it just _blows_ us apart all over again?"

It was taking it out of me to explain this to her, but I knew I had to do it. I needed to untangle the mess of my thoughts and straighten them out, and Alice was the key to doing that. My fears were something else altogether, and they were even harder to make sense of.

"I can't tell you that it won't happen again, Jasper, because I just don't know," she finally admitted. I didn't respond, but I understood. Neither of us could promise it wouldn't happen because we just didn't know what would go down in the future.

"But, right now, what I _can_ tell you is that I don't _want_ that to happen." She paused, waiting for me to meet her eye once again. "It's different from before, we know the consequences that could arise, and we can use this to stop it from happening again."

She sounded so sure, and God, I wanted to have her hope, but I couldn't help but question it. Just like always, I couldn't fucking take it for what it was. I had to doubt it.

"I get that, but what if it happens anyway?"

She stared at me for a long while, her gaze intense, as if she was trying to imagine the scenario. I could tell when she finally came back to me, though, as she took a deep breath and gave me an encouraging smile.

"I won't let it get this bad again." She spoke firmly, and though there were so much I could have said in response, such that one of the main reasons it got _this bad_ was because of _me_. But I didn't, not this time, because I wanted to believe her.

"We'll take this slow," she reassured me softly. "I don't want to rush into this. You mean too much to me to ruin it all by rushing to get back to how we used to be together."

A faint smile ghosted across my lips at her response. _You mean so much to me, too, Alice_, I told her in my mind, and she smiled as if she'd heard me. I knew I should have said it aloud, but the words were stuck on the tip of my tongue, and by the time I'd managed to get them out, the moment would have passed.

"We could meet here all the time, and talk about whatever you want," she continued, breaking me away from my thoughts. "How does that sound?"

I nodded immediately, needing her to see that I wanted this just as much as she did. "That sounds real good right about now."

"Good," she murmured, looking pleased. The exhaustion on her face seemed to have lifted in the past few minutes, and I could see a little colour coming back to her cheeks.

I hated to think that I was the cause of this, it was an awful feeling, but I knew that I was. I needed to sort this out, for the both of us. My mess was still going to be there; I wasn't going to lose that shit for a while yet, but I could at least try and remedy this with Alice.

Starting from now. My stupidity from the other day, when I tried to push her away from me, that was in the past. I couldn't let that side of me take over ever again, because where the fuck was I getting off making Alice think I didn't want her here?

I meant a lot to her, she'd said it herself, and though I was too pathetic to actually tell I felt the same way, I was going to show her…one day. I was going to prove that I needed her in my life more than she could ever imagine.

* * *

**Emmett POV**

I listened to my brother prattle on about who was at his party, and why everyone in his class wanted to get an invite, but after a while, I just had to stop him. I loved my kid brother like crazy, but sometimes he talked _too _much, even for a McCarty.

"Go on and enjoy your party, Squirt," I told him, knowing he'd hate me calling him that.

Sure enough, Frankie blew raspberries down the line a second later. I chuckled to myself as I heard Ma scolding him for being so rude.

"_But, Ma, he called me _Squirt_!_" he cried, the little snitch dumping me in it. I shook my head, smiling slightly at the audacity of my youngest brother. He was seven – _just_ – and he was almost as bad as Henry and I used to be. He was going to be a handful through his teenage years; I could see that already.

But he'd have his adult brothers to set him straight. _Jesus_, I was going to be an old man by the time Frankie reached my age. _What was that, if it wasn't a depressing as shit thought_?

Frankie scuttled away after grudgingly saying sorry to me, and soon enough, Ma was back on the line.

"You know he hates being called that," she said softly, a hint of amusement in her tone.

"Yeah, I know," I replied teasingly; of course, she already knew that I'd done it on purpose. "So, how crazy is the party?"

She snorted. "I have a houseful of six and seven year olds; I can safely say that it's _very_ crazy."

"Worse than Henry's tenth?"

There was a pause on the other end of the line, before she said, "You've got me there."

For Henry's tenth birthday party, he had a bouncy castle in the backyard. It was our first year in Forks, but he still invited his whole class. There was about twenty-six in total, not counting me, Lewis and a baby Eoghan to contend with, as well.

At the time, it was the most fun I'd had in a long while, but looking back, I wasn't sure how Ma hadn't prematurely turned grey. It was absolute mayhem.

"I wish you and Henry were here," she continued with a sigh. "You'd be great with these kids."

I wasn't so sure about that, they'd sooner drive me bat shit insane, but I didn't comment on it. I knew it was just her subtle way of saying she missed us. I could remember what it was like when Henry left for college the previous year, so I could only imagine what it was like now we were both gone.

"It's only a couple more hours and you'll be back to having just the three kids to look after."

She laughed. "Easy for you to say, just wait until you have your own kids."

"That's a _long_ way off yet, Ma," I told her quickly, not wanting her to get any ideas. I knew she wanted grandchildren, but it was a good chunk of years before she was getting any of that shit from me.

"That's true." She paused, and I was about to say something else when she spoke again, completely changing the subject. "Your friend was here earlier, you know."

I frowned, wondering who she was referring to. There were quite a few people I classed as friends that still lived in Forks, but there were only two people who would actually come to the house when I wasn't there.

"He was dropping his little sister off at the party."

_Ah, so it was Jasper_.

"I'm worried about him, Emmett," she murmured anxiously. My stomach dropped as her words settled in. Ma was prone to making a big deal out of things, but that's what mothers did. She treated all my close friends like they were her own a lot of the time, and this was no different.

If she was worried about Jasper, she must have had good reason.

"Why? What's wrong?" I asked nervously, not knowing whether I wanted to know the answer.

"He looked ill. I think he's lost a lot of weight since I last saw him, and he was as pale as a ghost. Not to mention the fact he looked dog tired." She stopped, as if letting me absorb it all. "He looked as if he's older than he really is, Emmett, and it's really worrying. I could tell he was trying to hide it from Emily, but the moment she left, there was a big different."

I heard her exhale quietly. "Honestly, I think I might talk to his mother."

I grimaced, if Ma was thinking of talking to Jasper's mother, then that meant it was really fucking serious.

"I don't know if that's such a good idea," I told her slowly, trying to think of the right way to word it. "You need to be careful there. I think one of the problems is at home…so just…watch what you say, okay?"

Ma didn't say anything for a while, and sighed a moment later. "I'll bear that in mind. It's just such a shame to see him like that; he's a good kid. He took Brian for a walk, you know? He did it just to help me. He said he was going to the park, but still…"

The moment she said _park_, I felt sick. It was wrong to assume he was going to do the same as April, but I couldn't help that my thoughts reverted back to that fucked up day. The way she described him…it suddenly reminded me how he was back then.

"Was he alone?"

"Yes."

If she gathered what I was hinting at, she didn't say, and I was grateful because I didn't want to explain my worries to her. She was worried about him enough, without me adding to it.

"Ma, I have to go," I said, deciding I had to do something about it myself. We said our goodbyes and ended the call. In a matter of seconds, I had the phone to my ear, Jasper's number dialling in my ear.

_Come on, man, pick up_.

By the fourth ring, I was already thinking about who I could call to go look for Jasper. The only person I could think of was Lewis, and though my brother was a complete tool at times, I knew I could rely-

"Hello."

"_Jasper_?"

Even I winced at how loud I was. I hadn't meant to do that, but hearing his voice was such a relief. If he'd been in front of me, I might have grabbed him, and given the state he was in now, I was sure he'd have flipped his shit.

"Why the fuck you shouting?" The terseness of his tone shocked me, and for a moment, all I could do was apologise. My thoughts before returned to me, and made me believe that maybe he would have even lashed out if I'd actually grabbed hold of him.

_What the hell happened to you, Jasper_?

"What do you want, Emmett?" he asked when I didn't say anything else. He didn't sound as abrupt as before, but there was still a hint of antagonism in his voice, and I began to wonder if that was always there now.

Maybe that's just how he sounded these days.

"I'm just calling to see how you're doing. You know, I haven't talked to you in a while, so…"

My voice trailed off, and I began to worry he could hear the undercurrent of emotions in my voice. There was a long enough pause of the other end of the line that told me he was trying to work out what to say – or editing his response to suit me, no doubt.

I already knew he was going to lie to me; I wasn't dumb, and I certainly didn't need to hear his response to know that.

"I'm fine. I'm just taking your dog for a walk."

My heart sank as I heard that well rehearsed lie. He wasn't _fine_, that was bullshit, and if I had been in front of him, I'd have called him out on it already. Even then, he probably wouldn't have answered me.

"He's a lively little fuck, isn't he?"

_Why do you do this, Jasper? Just let me be your friend, for once in your life_.

"Yeah," I said dejectedly, closing my eyes. "He's a McCarty, it's what we do."

I knew my one opportunity to talk to him had passed, and he'd known that, too. He'd changed the subject on purpose, just so I didn't have time to question it. He was a smart son of a bitch, but I wished he wasn't.

"Emmett, I gotta go." It came out abruptly, and I wasn't expecting it. "Look…I'm sorry for snapping at you earlier."

He was gone before I could respond, and I pulled the phone away, watching his name disappear from the screen. It hurt that he couldn't trust me, and I felt the despondency settle neatly at the base of my spine.

There was so much I didn't know about him, and I hated it. I'd voiced my thoughts to Edward, and he'd agreed that Jasper had a lot of hidden issues, but even then, I'd got the impression Edward knew more than he was letting on.

But, no matter how much it hurt to know Jasper trusted Edward enough to tell him and not me, I didn't pry. If I was in his shoes, I wouldn't want anyone poking their nose into my shit, and I had to treat Jasper the same way.

The main problem was that we were all so far apart, and there was nothing we could really do about it until we came back in December. That was a whole two months from now, and I wasn't just worried about Jasper, there was Alice to consider, too.

Though her phone calls were a little more reassuring now, I could still sense the major chance between the pair. That bond between them was well and truly broken, and though I didn't admit it to anyone, it scared me.

They needed each other more than anything. But from where I was standing, it looked as if they were going to move further and further apart, and that was the worse thing that could happen.

Just from talking to Alice, I got the impression she was really trying to put their friendship back on the right track. It was Jasper that was being the problem. Something was stopping him, something was holding him back, but none of us knew what the fuck it actually was.

Jasper was stubborn; I knew that from my own experiences with him. If there was something he didn't want to talk about, you'd have a hard time trying to get him to open up. He was like that with everyone, and I knew his initial reaction was to snap and close off from them.

Alice was the exception. Right from the start, there had been a difference in the way they interacted. He'd tried pushing her away, just like he had with everyone else, but it hadn't worked. She'd managed to get through to him when no one else had. After Robbie died, he was the only one to pull her through, but now he was the one who needed help, and he wasn't even letting her in.

What the hell were we going to come back to?

* * *

**A/N****: I really do feel sorry for Emmett. He's one of my favourite characters in general, so it wasn't nice to see Jasper being harsh on him. Jasper's trying, though, right? At least he knew he had to call Emmett back to apologise.**

**If you're hankering for a piece of Alice POV, she's coming up in chapter 58 and 59…and a bit of 60. Your dose of Alice isn't far off, I promise.**

**Teasers go out with review replies, so send me some birthday love. D'ya reckon we can get to 1000 by chapter 60? I'm only 87 away; still can't believe that.**


	58. Chapter 57

**A/N****: Chapter 57!**

***hides face* Sorry, sorry, I know I said the wait wouldn't be as long again in my previous AN, but I mean it this time! Anyway, I hope you're comfortable; this chapter is a long one. Given the topic, it called for it. Hope you enjoy some good old Broodysper.**

**Virtual hugs to my readers, lel2768 and koko23cat. Do you guys read her story, Take My Hand? You should be, as it's one of the best Jalice stories out there.**

**Disclaimer****: I own Jasper's family, but the most important Whitlock belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**

* * *

**Chapter 57 - Progression**

**15****th**** November 2009**

**Jasper POV**

My fingers drummed against the table as I listened to them talking in the other room. Recently, our father had begun to spend time with Emily for a few hours every other afternoon. They were taking things slow, just as Mom promised.

I'd made it my duty to be present during each meeting. If Emily needed a break from him, I'd be there to take her away from it all. But, today, the situation was reversed.

It was getting too much for _me_.

_Everything_ bugged me. From the way he talked to her, to the questions he asked. Even his voice irritated me, and with every word he spoke, he pushed me closer and closer to the edge.

The entire situation was frustrating, made worse because I just couldn't work out why it was making me lose it so badly, it just…was.

I bent forward, resting my head on my arms as I tried to block him out. A large part of me just wanted to get up and leave altogether, but I pushed the urge away as soon as it came to mind. I couldn't leave her here.

My eyes flickered closed as I gave into the desire to rest them. I must have dozed off because the next thing I knew, Emily's laughter was jolting me away. It was happy, carefree, and she sounded completely at ease.

As fucked up as it was, I found myself envying her.

Not because she was in there with him, I knew full well that I could have been in there if I wanted to be. That wasn't the issue whatsoever. It was the fact she loved him; that she _could_ love him without hurting in the process. There was nothing holding her back, nothing stopping her from letting him in.

She didn't know what he'd done to us, to Mom; she didn't know that he'd turned his back on his family. He didn't break any of her promises; she was too young to even remember him.

Above all else, that was why I envied her.

Lifting my head from my arms, I stared at the door for a long moment, trying to work out my next move. Finally, I pulled myself up. Taking slow strides, I moved towards the door, their voices getting louder with each step.

I stopped just outside the doorway, using the mirror on the far wall to look into the room. From my position, I had a clear view of what was going on. Emily was sitting between them, smiling, as they looked down at something on the table. He was smiling, too, and the mere sight of it had me looking away seconds later.

Instead, I focused on what they were doing. It was a drawing, or a jigsaw, I couldn't quite see.

What struck me the most was they looked _happy_. The irritation I'd been feeling seemed like a lifetime ago now. In its place sat pain and sadness, and torture, too, because this was the kind of shit I could remember him doing with me when I was her age.

At least, I thought it was. Those memories were hazy, faded and soft. Maybe some of them weren't even memories at all. Maybe they were just fantasies, scenarios I'd conjured up in my mind during the years that he wasn't there to make real ones with.

Many of my good memories had eroded over time, fading out or lost beneath the pressure of the ones that were left – the bad memories, the ones I wanted to forget. But this didn't fit into those categories. This was a combination of the two, the good and the bad, all rolled into one.

I couldn't comprehend it. While he was away, I'd never had to deal with it. But now he was back, he was giving me something to measure them against, and I didn't know what to do.

It was a minute later that I started to sense someone was watching me. My gaze flickered to Mom, and sure enough, she was looking at my reflection. Her expression was sad, and at first, I couldn't work out why.

However, it didn't take me long to figure out that I was the cause of her sadness, that _I _was the problem. I'd been so lost in my thoughts that I'd forgotten the rule with mirrors. If you could see them, then they could see you, too, and who knew how long Mom had been appraising me before I'd noticed.

Like always, she'd worked out what was wrong. _Come in_, she mouthed, as if she thought that was the best solution. I shook my head slowly, my brow furrowing. I couldn't go in there, of course I fucking couldn't. If I did, I'd have nowhere else to look but at them, and what the hell would that achieve? I'd be utterly trapped. At least out here I could leave whenever I wanted to.

In the end, that's what it came down to. It was better to stay out here, to be on the outside looking in. But as that thought entered my mind, I couldn't help but wonder if that was how it would be from now on.

Just me, on the outside, looking in.

For a moment, it seemed as if she was going to get up, to come and stand out here with me. But I didn't want that. Her place used to be by my side, helping to fill the gaping hole he'd created. But now that he'd returned, the truth was so painfully obvious. Her place was with them, now, not with me.

With one final glance at Emily, I silently slipped out the front door. I inhaled deeply, closing my eyes in an attempt to pacify my raging emotions. My eyes flashed open again when I realised that wasn't going to happen, not while they were still together.

I made my way down the path, stopping when I reached the wall. I couldn't go any further. Regardless of the fact Emily didn't need me – may _never _need me, I was unable to break that responsibility within me. I was bound too tight for that to be possible.

All I could do was wait it out, so I settled myself against the wall, facing away from the house. I sat there for a long time, desperately trying to push the thoughts away, to block them out. But they were too loud; my mind was buzzing, and no matter how hard I tried to ignore them, they kept pushing through.

These meetings were too much for me to get a handle on. I hadn't expected it to be so hard to watch them together. But, if I was being honest, I'd never really anticipated them getting this close in the first place. I'd been so lost in the moment that I hadn't stopped to think about what would happen if Emily stopped hiding behind me and approached him.

These days she was comfortable with him, and I just didn't know how to absorb the change in her behaviour. I'd been like that, once upon a time. I'd been as comfortable as she was, wishing that he wouldn't go to work and spend the day with me, instead. Now look, I couldn't even be in the same fucking room as him without fighting the urge to run.

Was I ever actually going to get over that? Was it even possible? Because right now, it didn't seem like it.

The front door opened, snapping me from my thoughts. I knew it was bound to be Mom, and I just didn't have the energy to get up. If she saw me, I'd let her talk. If she didn't, I was certain she'd find a way of cornering me later.

Right now, I just wanted some peace and quiet.

"Jasper?"

_Fuck_.

I sighed, lowering my head. That was the one voice I couldn't ignore.

I sat up on my knees and looked over the wall. She smiled when she spotted me, and hurried down the path.

"Hey, sweetie," I murmured, sinking into my original position. "What are you doing out here?"

"Mommy told me to come see you," she said simply as she moved closer and sat herself down between my crossed legs. I smiled to myself, resting my chin on top of her head. So Mom _did_ know I was sitting out here. Nothing got passed her, did it?

"Did you have fun today?" I asked, trying to keep my voice light. I already knew the answer. It was the same question I asked every time, and it was always the same response.

"Yes, he drew me a picture and said I was allowed to colour it in for him. Do you want to see it?"

She shifted, as if to get up, but I held onto her tighter, reluctant to let her go just yet.

"It's okay, sweetie," I said flatly. "Maybe I'll see it later."

I very nearly snorted, but I pushed the sudden derisiveness away, ramming it back down my throat. Despite her age, Emily seemed to pick up on sarcasm and disdain quite easily, and that was the last thing I needed her to hear right now.

I grimaced as my thoughts drifted back to the drawing. I knew the kind of pictures Emily liked to draw – pictures of us, of her family. I could just imagine the kind of shit she'd present me with, and I just didn't have it in me to fake a normal reaction, not even for her.

Would I even be in the picture? Or would it be the three of them, like I didn't fucking exist?

_Jesus Christ_. I knocked my head back against the wall, scrunching my eyes shut. I was fucking losing it. I didn't even know if it _was _a drawing, yet here I was, singling out the worst parts.

"Do you like it?" My question came out of nowhere. "Talking to him, I mean?"

I held my breath, hoping she didn't pick up on the uncertainty in my voice. I knew how she was going to respond, and frankly, it scared the shit out of me.

She took longer to reply this time, as if she was considering her response carefully. My chest tightened when she finally nodded her head. She shifted in my lap so that she could look up at me, and I desperately tried to alleviate the strain in my expression.

I didn't quite manage it, and when I looked into her eyes, I realised that she had been apprehensive of my reaction. The realisation tore at my heart. She was six years old, for fucks sake, she shouldn't have had to deal with this shit.

Yet she had. There had been a time, when he first arrived, where she had been frightened of him. He'd been a stranger to her. But now things had changed so drastically, and it didn't take a genius to work out why.

The arguing had stopped. _I _had stopped arguing, for there was never a heated word between my parents while Emily was around to witness it. My mind was so twisted and fucked up that all I could think was, by pulling back, I'd made room for Emily to get close to him.

I never wanted Emily to see us arguing, but at the time, it had been enough to stop her from approaching him. Now that I'd held my tongue, she saw no reason to hold back. But was I really that selfish? Did I really believe that if I'd kept my anger alive, she would have been on the outside with me, too?

_No!_

I bit my lip, fighting the urge to scream. I wanted to lash out, to hit something. But I couldn't, what would I gain from doing that? _Fuck all_. So I used Emily to ground myself, knowing that in the end, she was what I needed to focus on. Her happiness was essential and I'd never do something to purposely hold her back, even if it meant going toe to toe with the repercussions.

Right now, I wasn't even sure how I felt about it all. The anger I'd harboured from the start was dispersing, but my earlier irritation was proof of the fact it hadn't gone completely, and in the back of my mind, there was one thing making itself clear to me. I'd tried to ignore it, to dismiss the notion, but it just kept coming back.

Something new was replacing the anger, something that felt much worse. It was fear that lingered in the deepest parts of me, and I couldn't understand why. Anger was easy to recognise, it was such a common emotion for me that I could pinpoint the origin without a second thought.

But fear was different, fear was more precise, and I asked myself the same question over and over again, rolling it around in my mind. _What was I scared of_? In the end, I always came to the same conclusion.

I was scared I was going to be left behind. It was only a matter of time before Emily fully accepted him into her life, and then what? It would just be me left, trailing behind. I would be the only thing obstructing the perfect picture they were trying to recreate, and at present, I wasn't even sure where I fitted into things.

We'd had that perfect picture once; before Emily was born. It had been just the three of us, exactly as it was for them now.

Deep down, there was a part of me that yearned for that again. But which part did I want? To erase the past, or to find that happy place once again?

There wasn't a simple answer whichever way I looked. We couldn't go back in time and erase it, no matter how much we wanted to, and the latter just seemed impossible to me. Too much had happened for all that shit to be ignored.

For it to have a chance of working, I had to forgive him. I had to let go of the unresolved anger and bitterness I felt towards him and move on. But like I'd told Mom all those months ago, I just wasn't sure if I could.

How long would it take before I was ready? Weeks, months, _years_? Was he willing to wait for me? Did he even think I was worth it anymore? I wasn't the son he remembered; I was bitter, and twisted, and anger was the only thing I'd given him in return.

Maybe one day, he'd just give up, and they'd move on without me.

As my grip on Emily tightened, I realised that, deep down, I'd had that fear all along.

I didn't want to be left behind.

* * *

**20****th**** November 2009**

"Why did he have to come back?"

I ran my hands over my face as I paced back and forth. "He's making everything worse by being here. I just can't _cope_ with him here all the time."

I stopped pacing and looked around. We were in the park, and Alice was sitting on the bench, watching me pace. The same fears had plagued my mind since the weekend, and it was really beginning to show. She hadn't asked what was wrong, but the look in his eyes told me she was there if I needed to talk, and that was enough.

So I told her what happened with my parents and Emily, and how I had to watch my little sister get closer and closer to our father. She listened to me explain my fears, and while it was a relief to finally share them with someone else, her lack of response was starting to irritate me, and when I turned to look at her, she was just staring at me.

"What?" I snapped, cringing at the harshness in my voice.

"Nothing," Alice said simply. "I'm just waiting for you to stop and listen to what you're saying."

"_Excuse me_?" My tone of voice was much different this time. I was more confused than anything. What the fuck was she talking about?

Alice held her hands up, trying to placate me. "You tell me that Emily likes him, and you envy her because she has nothing to taint their relationship with. Then you tell me that you don't know what to do. But, Jas, if you really thought he shouldn't have come back, you wouldn't have any problem working out what to do next. You'd just block him out of your life."

A sigh escaped her as she studied my expression. "I can see it in your eyes. You want me to agree with you, and say he should never have come back, and that it hasn't done you any good. But, I'm not going to."

She paused as I stared back at her. I hadn't been expecting that, and a part of me wished she'd kept her mouth shut. Begrudgingly, I had to admit she was probably right. I _did_ just want someone to agree with me.

"I know you said you hate him," she continued softly. "I know you said you want him to leave you alone and never come back. But think about it. Think about if he _did_ leave. What do you think will happen to your mom, to Emily, to _you_, if he suddenly walks out on his family again? Do you really think you could go through that again?"

She gave me time to respond, but I couldn't find the words. They were in there somewhere, but I didn't care to look for them. I didn't like talking about my father in general, but to have her confront me about my feelings towards him was just too much.

I knew how I could have responded, I knew I could easily have told her the same thing Mom had told me months ago, that hate was a strong word and that I didn't know anymore. But I didn't say anything because…well…I wasn't even sure.

"Do you think you'd be happier without him?"

Again, her question threw me. Surely she knew I wasn't going to give her a genuine answer?

"I don't think you'd be happier, maybe _you_ think you would, but it won't be that way. It would tear you and your family apart all over again, and you know that, don't you?"

I scowled at her as I furrowed my brow and pursed my lips. Although I was the one to start this, it didn't mean I wanted to go into all _this_.

I wanted to run away from it, just like fucking usual.

"Don't give me that look," she said sternly, completely unfazed by my glare. "I'm trying to help you, and I know you won't like hearing me say this, but I'm glad he came back. Your mom is happier; you and I both know that. She needs him. _You_ need him."

I didn't say anything. I didn't _want_ to say anything. The urge to run was getting stronger, and while I didn't want to run from Alice, I would if it meant I could end this conversation.

"There's no shame in admitting you miss him and want him to stick around. It doesn't right his wrongs, or undermine how much he hurt you," Alice continued gently. "But after everything that's happened, he's still your father. Fourteen years...it wasn't for nothing."

My shoulders sagged as her words hit me. Any irritation I'd been feeling, evaporated, and I slunk towards the bench, crumpling down beside her. I leaned forward, hiding my face in my open palms.

Alice placed her hand on my shoulder; it was a tentative gesture, and I felt the muscles beneath her fingertips tense at the contact. She didn't pull it away, though I was certain she felt it.

From the corner of my eye, I saw her holding her other hand out to me to take. I turned my head minutely, fixing my gaze on her outstretched fingers. Did I want to take her hand? After everything that had happened in the past few months, did I really want to go through the same pattern as before?

I looked away again, and stared ahead of me, instead. I didn't hear her move, but I knew she'd retracted her hand, and I had to ignore the new pain in my chest as I realised that.

"All my life, I wanted to grow up to be like him," I said quietly. As I spoke, the sense of melancholy that paired with talking about my past spread through me. "He ruined that the day he walked away, and I don't even know why…"

Alice sighed. "The only way you're going to resolve this is by talking to him. You need to get it all out into the open because he can't begin fix anything if he doesn't know how you feel."

Letting out a long breath, I sat back and looked at her hand resting in her lap. Pushing my father aside for a moment, I gazed at her hand. To me, it symbolised weeks and weeks of pain and uncertainty. Did I really want to go through all that again? _Did I_?

I would never know, not today, not ever.

But as the seconds passed, I felt it drawing me in, and suddenly I knew I wanted it; I wanted her touch to calm me down as I knew it was capable of. I'd flinched away from her embrace the last time she tried; the power of that one, simple touch had frightened me, and even now, I wasn't ready.

But this…holding her hand, I wanted it.

Reaching forward, I closed my hand around hers, tightening the grip. It didn't startle her, and it was barely a second before she reacted, squeezing my hand in return.

I felt a slight ache as the familiar feeling spread through me, but I pushed it aside as I took in the sight of our clasped hands. Drawing a deep breath, I closed my eyes and felt the weight being lifted from my chest.

* * *

Alice's words reverberated around my mind as I walked home. She was right; the only real solution in resolving this mess was to talk to him. But I wasn't sure if I _could_. How the fuck was I going to sit down with _him_, and go through everything as I had with Mom in August?

Back then, I'd thought _that_ conversation had been hard, but this? It was going to be one of the hardest discussions I was ever likely to have. But it had to happen, and the longer I put it off, the less likely I was actually going to do it. I had to be the one to start it; he knew better than to approach me about it himself.

I needed time, we all knew that. But I was slowly beginning to realise I'd had enough now. My period of grace was over.

When I arrived home, I called out for Mom straight away, knowing I had to get the ball rolling, before I came to my senses. She replied from the front room, and when I entered, she looked up expectantly.

I opened my mouth to tell her what I planned to do, but the words caught in my throat, and my jaw snapped shut. She frowned, placing the paper she was reading down on the couch.

"What's wrong, Jas?"

My legs felt a little unstable, so I sat on the nearest couch. Taking a deep breath, I said it before I bottled out.

"I need to talk to him…my _father_." It was still a struggle to say it out loud, and I winced at how obvious it was. "I want to talk to him."

Her expression remained neutral, and I knew she was deliberately keeping it that way. She was surprised, that much I knew, but maybe she was happy I'd finally made the move, and didn't want to show it in case it changed my mind. Or maybe she was nervous, just as I was.

"He's working right now, but he'll probably be finished soon," she informed me, her voice as calm as ever. I knew she was doing that on purpose, too. "Would you like me to call him?"

_Oh_. That in itself was extremely tempting, but I shook my head quickly before I changed my mind and accepted her offer.

"No, I think I should be the one to call him."

She nodded. "Okay, I think it's a good idea that you call. Wait here; I'll just go get the number for you."

A moment later she was back with the number written on a piece of paper. She held it out to me, but I hesitated, and then cussed under my breath when I noticed my hands were shaking.

"Would you like me to stay in here while you call him?" she asked, comfortingly placing her hand on my shoulder. I was certain she could tell my nerves were shot to fucking pieces right now, but I still shook my head.

"Thanks, but I'll be fine on my own," I said quietly, staring at the piece of paper in my hand. I felt her gently squeeze my shoulder before she pulled back and left the room, shutting the door behind her.

For a full minute, I sat there staring at the number in silence. It took me another minute to actually type out the digits into my cell, and by the time I had my finger hovering over the _call _button, _everything_ was shaking.

I actually felt a little fucking nauseous as I put the phone to my ear, and with each ring, I wanted to pull the phone from me ear and throw it against the nearest wall. Knowing me, I'd probably have felt relieved to see it smash.

But I didn't. I let it ring and ring, until finally, someone answered.

"Hello."

I didn't speak. I couldn't. My throat had seized up, my heartbeat being the only thing I could hear clearly.

_Thump, thump, thump._

"Jasper?"

My breath hitched as he said my name. _How did he know it was me_? I pulled the phone back and stared at it, as if doing that gave me the ability to see him.

When I put the phone back to my ear, I could still hear him. He was there, waiting for me.

I cleared my dry throat, swallowing heavily. "Are you busy?"

My voice was different; I sounded fucking scared, and I silently cursed myself for giving that away so easily.

"No, I'm not busy right now," he replied, a hint of relief in his voice that I could only assume was because I'd answered him. "Is everythin' okay?"

I opened my mouth, but no words came out. _Was _everything okay? _No_, nothing was fucking okay right now. We were on the phone, miles away from each other and I could barely talk to him.

How the fuck was I supposed to do this face to face?

"I…I don't know," I let out, cussing myself afterwards as I realised I'd not only answered his question, but my internal one, too. "Can you come ho-" I nearly choked on the word. _Home_. This wasn't his home.

"Can you come to the house?" I asked, wanting this inanity over with. "We…we need to talk."

"Sure," he murmured, and even through the phone I could hear the surprise in his tone. But the hope, that was far more prominent. "I'll finish up here and come straight to Forks."

I nodded, and then remembered he couldn't see me. I mumbled out an, "Okay," then went silent. Now that I'd asked him, I didn't know what else to say.

"I'll see you in a little while," he continued, and I could tell he had sensed my lack of communication was due to the fact I didn't have a clue what to say to him. There was a pause of silence, as if he was waiting for me to say something. But when I didn't, the line went dead.

I pulled the phone away from my ear and stared at it for a moment. That had been…bizarre. It was the only word I could think of. After the initial shock, I dropped the cell onto the couch, watching it bounce on the cushions.

Drawing in a calming breath, I stood and wandered from the room, going to search of Mom. I found her in the kitchen, and as I walked in, she remained quiet as she scanned my expression.

I opened the fridge, stared at the contents for a brief moment before shutting it again when I realised I didn't actually know what the fuck I was looking for. In fact, whatever I _was_ looking for, I certainly wasn't going to find it in the damn fridge.

Moving one of the magnets in front of me, I took a deep breath. "He said he'll be here in a little while."

From my peripheral vision, I saw her nodding. Not knowing what else to do, I slunk towards the nearest chair and collapsed onto it. Mom moved closer and took my hand in hers. I squeezed it gently, feeling grateful that she was here.

_If only she could be there when I talk to him_.

The part of me that was terrified of what was to come, wanted her to be there by my side. But the logical part knew it would never work.

Like when I talked to her, I needed it to be just the two of us.

As if reading my mind, she asked, "Do you want me to stay with you later?"

Already knowing the answer I had to give her, I shook my head. I could tell she didn't like it, and wanted to stay. But, also, I could tell she understood my decision, and she wasn't going to question it.

"Okay, but if you need me here, just call and I'll come straight back home," she said, using the kind of voice that said _promise me_.

"I will," I told her, knowing it was the truth. If things got out of hand, I was undoubtedly going to run to my momma, like a little fucking baby.

We didn't say very much after that, and when her anxious expression started to make me feel worse, I bent forward, resting my head on my arm. I welcomed the silence, and wished it could remain that way.

But a short while later, we both heard the sound of a bike pulling up outside. My hand tensed in hers, and I sat up and looked towards the window before whipping around to face Mom, feeling my heart rate soar.

"Jas, it's going to be okay," she whispered, though the emotions swimming in her eyes said she wasn't so sure it would.

I jolted when the doorbell rang, signifying that he was here and this was really happening. I hated how scared I was, I _hated_ that I could barely let go of my mother's hand.

She stood up, but instead of going to answer the door, she came to stand in front of me.

"Remember what I said about calling me." She bent down, kissing me gently on the forehead. "I won't go far; I'll stay close to the house, just in case."

I nodded quickly, not trusting my voice enough to give her a verbal answer. When I looked up to meet her eye, I could see the anxiety had intensified, and when she finally let go of my hand, it was obvious she didn't want to leave.

She had to, though; we both knew that, even when all I wanted to do was call her back to me. Once she was out the room, I stood up and moved into the main room. My fingers found their way into my hair, and I pulled at it as I heard the front door opening.

It was only when I heard it close once again that I turned around. He was standing in the doorway, staring at me with a look on his face that told me he was as nervous as I was.

My hands were trembling at my sides, and I clenched them into tight balls just so he wouldn't see.

The nervousness was thick in my throat, and I swallowed heavily, trying to get rid of it. It didn't work, of course, and for a full minute, we both stood there in silence, not knowing what to do now the situation was upon us.

Finally, he entered the room, and even my clenched hands couldn't hide the shaking anymore. _Fucking pull yourself together_, I commanded, _you're not fourteen anymore_.

He opened his mouth to say something, but it closed again as his gaze flickered towards my hands. A look of utmost sadness travelled across his face as he looked away from them, meeting my eye once again.

"I wish there was somethin' I could do to change this," he said quietly, still looking me straight in the eye. "It breaks my heart to see my own son is afraid of talkin' to me."

His eyes closed, and he shook his head before going to settle himself on the couch. At first, neither of us moved, and I took that moment to think about what he'd just said. He thought I was afraid, and honestly, he wasn't far off the mark. I hated to admit it; I hated to even _show_ that I was scared. It was a weakness; but it was unmistakable right now.

"Will you sit with me?" he finally asked, signalling to the space beside him. "Please, son?"

I stared at the couch, and then quickly looked back at him. The look on his face, and the way he was holding himself…I couldn't quite place it. But as I took in a deep breath, and moved towards him, I realised what it was.

He looked defenceless and exposed. But most of all, he looked _tired_, and it was obvious to me that the cause of it wasn't due to lack of sleep, it was more than that.

When I sat down next to him, I made sure that we weren't too close, yet, subconsciously, I found myself making sure that we weren't too far apart, either. Much like before, silence surrounded us, and I began wringing my hands together, wishing I knew what to do.

"Thank you for callin' me, Jasper. I understand how hard that was for you," he said, breaking the silence at long last.

"How did you know it was me on the phone?" I asked, not turning my head from where I had originally been staring at my lap.

"Your mother gave me your number a little while ago; just in case I…I needed to call you."

He sounded cautious, and I knew, deep down, he had good reason to be. I was certain that, at one point in time, hearing that Mom had given him my number would have aggravated, making me angry at the both of them all over again. But I was too far passed that now. The fact I was here, and how I was currently feeling was strong evidence to that.

I heard him take a deep breath. "I guess it's time I try and give you an explanation as to why I left." I tensed, but I couldn't tell if he noticed. "I wish there a proper, direct answer I could give you that would help you to understand why I did it. Since becomin' sober, I've been tryin' to think of a justification that would be worthy. But…even to this day, I haven't got one."

A sigh escaped him as he ran his fingers through his hair. "I didn't deserve what I had. Not you, not Emily, and definitely not Sylvia. I had reached such a low point that I couldn't even see what was there in front of me."

Hearing him say it was hitting me harder than I expected. I already knew all this; I already knew that he'd reached the lowest point in his life, and I certainly already knew he didn't deserve the family he had. But to hear him admitting it to me…I couldn't even comprehend how it made me feel.

I turned my head in his direction, only just so that I could see his feet and part of his leg in my vision. "You shouldn't have left us. You should have stayed and got the fucking help you needed."

If he was shocked by the fact I'd swore at him, he didn't show it. Even I could hear the different tone in my voice. Before today, it used to be anger and bitterness, and now it was something different. Now it was pain and hurt, and like him, there was a strong sense of exhaustion.

"I know I should have stayed," he said quickly, colouring his tone. "I know I should have gotten the help I needed. But at the time, I couldn't see passed it. On some of the better days, I would think about goin' back…but then I'd fall down again. It was a bad cycle to be in, and that wasn't somethin' I could put you all through. So I stayed away. I said before that I thought it was best for the family…"

"That wasn't your decision to make on your own. You could have come back at _any_ time." I said it quietly, forming the words slowly as I knew if I said it quicker, it would look as though I was cross at him. Right now, I was just upset; saddened that he'd thought about coming back, and decided against it.

"There were months, in the beginning, when I would have forgiven you without a second thought. I would have just been glad to have my dad back again, regardless of what state you were in."

As I finished, I could feel his gaze burning into the side of my face. At first, I didn't look at him. The emotions inside my chest were running rampant, and after admitting to him that I would have welcomed him back, I could feel the first sign of tears behind my eyes. But as the seconds passed, I found that I wanted to look at him; I wanted to study his reaction to what I just said, even if he would see the reaction it had elicited in _me_.

When I finally met his gaze, it didn't help matters. The sense that I was slowly losing control was getting stronger, but I tried to push it aside as I examined his expression.

He looked unsure and hesitant, as if he couldn't quite believe that, even after he'd left, there had been a time where I would have let him back in. He continued to look for something on my face, and it was then that I had to look away again.

What was he after? Did he want me to spell it out for him? Did he want me to tell him that after he'd left, it was damn near fucking _unbearable_ how much I missed him?

Did he need me to remind him how proud I used to be to know I was the spitting image of him, or that he'd been my idol, the one I looked up to throughout my whole life? He knew all of that already.

Or, at least, he used to.

I cussed under my breath, tightly closing my eyes, wishing he would just stop staring at me.

"Jasper," he whispered, his accent thick, as if he was holding back tears as well. "Do you remember the present you gave me for father's day when you were nine years old?"

My eyes opened quickly as my brow furrowing. Of course I could remember, but why was he bringing this up now?

"The ring?" I said quietly, hoping he wouldn't ask me to elaborate on it. I could picture it, even now, years later. I could still see the inscription around the edge of the band…number one dad. My teeth ground together as I tried to find a small ounce of composure. That single memory alone was going to break me if I didn't pull myself together.

Then from the corner of my eye, I saw him remove the chain he had been wearing around his neck, and there it was, attached to the bottom.

It tore through me so quickly that there wasn't anything I could do to stop it. My bottom lip began to tremble as the tears suddenly poured from my eyes and cascaded down my cheeks.

I couldn't quite pinpoint what it was that made me lose control so badly. Was it merely the memories it brought back? Or was it the fact, after nearly ten years, he was still wearing it, just as he'd promised? I didn't know the answer, and I was unable to prevent the sobs wracking through me as I tried to pull myself together. But I soon realised I couldn't do it alone.

I was falling apart in front of him, and the psychological distance between us was preventing him from reaching and comforting me. Did I want him to embrace me? My thoughts and feelings were in so frenzied, I honestly didn't know what I wanted anymore. But when he finally reached out and placed his hand on my shoulder, I didn't shrug him away.

"I never stopped wearin' it," he told me softly, knowing that his words were most likely going to make things harder. "I only put in on the chain because I was worried I'd lose it. It meant so much to me when you presented me with it – it _still_ means a lot to me, even though I'm certain you don't agree with it anymore."

My gaze remained fixed on the ring as he finished speaking. There was nothing I could say that would make him believe otherwise. We were a long way from how I'd felt back then, and he and I both knew that what he'd said was true. How could I still agree with it?

"I can't blame you for hatin' me…" His downcast intonation tore away at me as he spoke. "I just pray that one day we can get back to that, back to how it used to be."

I inhaled a long, shuddering breath as I shook my head slowly. "I don't hate you," I admitted weakly, my voice so quiet that it was almost inaudible. It was the first time in years that I'd actually admitted it aloud. But, of course, it was the first time it was completely and utterly true. I didn't hate him, not anymore.

A gentle _thank you_ passed his lips as a tear slid down his cheek. I followed its path for a moment before returning my gaze to the ring sitting in the palm of his hand. I couldn't respond to his gratitude. What was there for me to say to him? Admitting that I didn't hate him was only one step forward.

We still had a long way to go, and at first, I couldn't understand why that realisation seemed to hurt all of a sudden.

"It must have taken you a long time to save up for this," he said in a wistful tone as he rolled the ring around his finger.

"Three months," I replied as I used the palm of my hand to wipe at my eyes. "I'd seen it in Grandpa's shop, and I knew I wanted to buy it for you as soon as I saw it. But I had to save up for it. Each week I used to give my pocket money to him, just so I didn't spend it myself. He let me have the ring a week early, even though I was three dollars short. I don't think he wanted me to pay for it at all, but I wanted to do it for you."

My voice was sad as I spoke. It brought back the memories I'd long since suppressed to finally tell him how I'd bought it for him. I was certain my grandfather had told him about it afterwards, but explaining it now reminded me how pleased of myself I'd been for managing to consistently save the money each week for three months.

The melancholy that paired with remembering things from my past was something I was used to. But it was when I tried to ignore the fact that I wanted to go back to that time, back to when the only problems in my life were homework and not being allowed to stay up late…_that_ was when I struggled.

I struggled because thinking about those times made me realise how much I missed them. How could I not? Deep down inside I knew I missed the bond we used to have, and it was here in front of me, ready for the taking and I just…I couldn't. It was as if the most vital part was missing, and only now were we even beginning to rebuild it.

"Do you remember what we did that evenin', after you gave it to me?" From the tone of his voice, I got the impression he was trying to make me remember these happy memories we'd shared. As if by remembering that we were once happy, it would help us get back to that state quicker.

It didn't work that way, but I nodded, nonetheless.

"I remember takin' you out after dinner to see my motorcycle. You'd been buggin' me for _weeks_ to let you sit on it, but your mother hated even the idea of it at the time." He looked down for a moment, smiling at something unseen to me. "Your little face lit up when I told you, and as I placed you on the seat, you looked so tiny, but _so_ happy."

I was in pieces again, and when I closed my eyes in an attempt to quell the tears that were seeping from them, I fell back into the memory of that night. The memory was so strong, that I could vividly remember the happiness I'd felt as I sat upon his bike.

"You promised that you'd teach me how to ride," I whispered, my brow pulling together as my body trembled. My voice, it was different, childlike and broken. It was as if I'd reverted back to the day I found out he'd abandoned his family, abandoned me. "You…you _promised_ me."

I felt him move closer, and unlike before when he placed his hand on my shoulder, his movement was cautious. He pulled me towards him quickly, wrapping his arm around me, my head beneath his chin. I could have pulled away from him, pushed his hands away, but I didn't have it in me.

"I'm sorry, Jasper, I'm so sorry that I left and broke the promise I made to you," he whispered, his voice breaking as he spoke. "I wish I could go back…I wish I could change how things turned out."

My hand tightened at his words, clenched in his shirt. Everything hurt, my eyes, my throat, my chest…I hadn't cried like this for a long time, and the sensation was reminding me of other things.

It was reminding me of Maria, of what it had felt like when she'd died. The pain wasn't equal to that, but it was close, in its own right. It was then that I realised those memories, those feelings surrounding my father's departure had been buried deeper than the ones surrounding Maria.

"I waited for you to…come…back." Each word came out with a sob. I wasn't trying to hold them in anymore. He would see what it had done to me, what it was _still_ doing to me. "I prayed for you to come back and make things right again. I loved…you so much. But…all I could think is that you…you…didn't care…it wasn't enough to make you…stay."

I scrunched my eyes shut as I heard him let out a shuddering breath. He was crying now; I wouldn't need to look up, no verification was necessary. His hold around me tightened, and I found myself wanting more.

I was the fourteen year old boy again, yearning for the comfort only a father could bring.

"It was _never_ because I didn't care," he choked out. "You were my best achievement, my greatest, and you always will be. Never doubt how much I love you…under no circumstances will that ever change, you hear me?"

Not being able to do anything else coherent, I nodded my head. _He loved me_. I'd known it all along, somewhere in the back of my mind at least, but to hear him say it…it brought me a sense of peace that had long since left me.

I think, in a way, it brought him peace, too.

We remained like that for a short while longer until my tears completely subsided. I shifted, only minutely, but it was enough for him to give my shoulder a gentle squeeze and to pull away.

I sat up straighter, rubbing at my eyes as soon as I could. Turning away from him slightly, I wiped my face free of any lingering tears. Now that the moment had passed, there was a part of me that didn't want him to see me like this. It was fucking stupid considering the utter breakdown I'd partaken in moments ago, but I couldn't help it, like most things today.

"Thank you, son," he murmured, his voice gentle, as if he'd sensed my sudden bout of ridiculously impromptu embarrassment. "It's okay."

My gaze flickered to him. "What?"

He smiled weakly. "It's okay if you want to go."

I wasn't sure how he knew I wanted to have a break from the emotional upheaval talking to him caused, but I was grateful he'd given me a way out. A tiny smile graced the corner of my lips, letting him know that it was what I wanted. He merely nodded, letting me go.

I stood up, my legs feeling a little unsteady as I did so. I could tell he was watching me as I walked towards the door, but I didn't turn around and look back at him. Though we'd gotten somewhere with this conversation, I just wanted to be on my own to pull myself together and regain some composure I'd lost in the past hour.

"Jasper…"

I stopped, half turning towards him.

"It's not too late, you know." His voice had taken on the same nervous quality from earlier. "I can still teach you how to ride; that doesn't have to change."

At his words, I felt my heart sink. He was offering to keep up on his promise… "But it is too late," I whispered flatly. "Chris knew that I wanted to learn. He offered to teach me, and I said yes."

My gaze lingered on him for a moment, melancholy spreading through me. "I'd stopped waiting for you to come back by that point."

He gaze slowly drifting downwards. I sighed quietly and left the room, knowing there was nothing either of us could say. I didn't look back again as I made my way upstairs and into my room.

I couldn't quite pinpoint the feeling I got as I shut the door behind me, leaning against it. Was it relief? Was I relieved we'd both gotten through? It sure as hell felt that way to me.

Taking out my phone, I quickly sent a message to Mom to let her know she could come back in. I didn't want her to wait around outside, and I wasn't sure if he was going to tell her himself.

I didn't tell her about the talk, knowing we'd go over it once she was back. Once the message was sent, I sat back on my bed, resting my eyes. They were still sore from earlier, and in all honesty, it didn't surprise me one bit.

I hadn't expected to cry as much as I did. It'd been so long since I'd fallen to pieces so badly, that I'd forgotten I was capable of breaking down the way I had. I should have known, family was my weak point, and it always would be.

The front door opened a little while later, and I knew that Mom was home. I wasn't sure why, but I relaxed a small amount to know she was back again. A little while later, there was a soft knock on my door.

I called out for her to come in, and a second later, she entered. I relaxed even further, smiling weakly as she sat on the edge of the bed.

"How'd it go earlier?" she asked softly, placing her hand over mine.

I laughed under my breath. "I'm sure he's already told you how it went."

"Yeah, he did…" She smiled, looking down. "But I want to hear your side of things, too."

"It was…_better_ than I thought it would be," I admitted quietly, frowning slightly as I tried to think of how much things would change from here out. "We said what we needed to. For now, at least."

She nodded and squeezed my hand. "He said that you two made some good progress. But what do you think?"

Had we made progress? Of course we had, it was impossible to say we hadn't. We'd talked about things I wouldn't have been able to a few months before. However, even after everything we'd covered today, it still didn't mean I was ready to call him _Dad_. Even thinking the word made me fucking shudder a little.

However, it was progress, and right now, that was all that mattered.

"We're passed the first hurdle, I know that much," I replied, toying with my sleeves as I spoke. "I don't know what it's going to be like after this…but I think…I hope it's going to be easier now."

Mom placed her hand on my cheek, running her thumb across it quickly before pulling away again.

"I'm glad you think so, Jas. All I want is to see you happy again, and I know that one of the things preventing that is what's happening with your father." She paused, sighing to herself. "It's such a relief to see that things are changing between the two you."

I looked down, not knowing what to say in response. She noticed my uncertainty, but didn't say anything about it.

Instead, she got to her feet. "I'll leave you on your own for a bit, I'm sure you want some time to think things over on your own."

A small smile formed on my face as I nodded, though I was certain I was done thinking about shit for the day. I was too tired for that; I just wanted to close my eyes again. After brushing some hair from my eyes, she left me to it.

Lying back on my bed, I pulled the covers over me and closed my eyes, gladly welcoming any and all sleep that found me.

The next thing I knew, someone was shaking my arm. I opened my eyes to find the light outside my window dimming and a dark form in front of me. Knowing already that the person in front of me was too big to be Mom or Emily, I sat up, pulling myself into a more alert manner.

Why was he waking me up? Did he want to talk to me about something?

I wasn't sure how I felt about that. Just because we'd talked earlier, it didn't mean I was willing to do so at any time of the day. I was still tired; I wasn't sure I could deal with any more, not today.

But instead of sitting down next to me, he merely signalled for me to follow him, saying, "I want to show you something."

Feeling intrigued, I pulled myself out of the warm bed and following him down the stairs and out the front door. Mom wasn't in sight, so I could only assume she'd gone to collect Emily.

When we got to the end of the path, I spotted his bike parked on the side. I eyed it sceptically as he stopped in front of it and asked me to get on. My expression must have mirrored what I was feeling, as he whispered, "Please?" when I didn't do as he said.

Not knowing where this was heading, I cautiously moved forward, swung my leg over the side, and sat down. It was an odd sensation to be sitting on his bike. I knew it wasn't the same from when I was a child; he'd sold that a long time ago, but it was still the same sentiment.

I was sitting on his bike, which was something I'd wanted to do every day as a child. Even now, I could feel the slight buzz of excitement that I was trying my hardest to suppress, that, along with the urge to lean forward and wrap my fingers around the handles.

His voice broke me from my thoughts at he pointed towards the clutch. "Before you start, you should always keep your hand on the clutch, only once the gas is on do you ease it off slowly."

I looked up from what he was pointing to. "What are you doing?" I asked uncertainly.

"I just want to try and keep this one promise. Please, son?"

His eyes pleaded with me as he spoke. I could see how much he wanted this, regardless of the fact he wasn't actually going to teach me. But he wanted to keep the promise…

Exhaling softly, I pointed towards the brake. "So, when exactly should I use this one?"

He smiled at me; it was genuine, happy…_grateful_. I tried to smile back, half managing it as I realised that maybe, just maybe, our relationship was finally salvageable.

* * *

**A/N****: There is still a long way to go in their father/son relationship, but this is a turning point for the two of them. I hope I did it justice.**

**Teasers go out in review replies. Looks like I'll be hitting 1000 reviews with this chapter *freaks out* Gonna have to think of something for the 1000th reviewer...**


	59. Chapter 58

**A/N****: Chapter 58!**

**Monster A/N – top and bottom...**

**I had a cold when I wrote this chapter, and you'll see quite clearly how it influenced what happened. I completed it in a couple of hours, which doesn't happen very often for me.**

**Readers? Thank you for existing. Reviewers? You've no idea how insane it is to see my story over 1000 reviews. Throughout various chapters, I received nearly 50 reviews since my last update. For me, that is some crazy shit.**

**I'm drawing to a close on the writing front for this story. Only four chapters left to write - scary, huh? In total, there are 27 chapters remaining (including this one). As you're probably thinking "How many?" I'll promise now that it's not all angst. In fact, there's not much left *****gasp***** Hope you stick around.**

**As always, thank you to koko23cat for being awesome at tweaking and not laughing when I cried during the last Harry Potter film.**

**Disclaimer****: If I owned Twilight, I'd be Team Bedward. Enough said.**

* * *

**Chapter 58 - Come With Me**

**3****rd**** December 2009**

**Alice POV**

In the weeks leading up to December, I was constantly reminded that Robbie's birthday was coming up. It wasn't exactly a thing I dreaded, more a day I just wasn't particularly looking forward to anymore.

Last year had been an extremely bad time, and I shuddered at the thought of what I'd done to myself, my family and my friends. I had been hurting _tremendously_, but as I looked back at my actions, I knew it was stupid.

This year was going to be different, and in the week preceding it, I even contemplated not going to his grave at all. In the end, I came down with a bad head cold three days before, and though I wasn't necessarily looking for an excuse to get out of it, I used it as a way of staying at home.

Surprisingly, when the morning of the second came about, I was…_okay_. My main concern was that I could hardly breathe, and spent the morning grumbling with a box of tissues by my side.

It was an odd feeling when I began thinking what that day actually meant. The fact I was okay with it, told me my promise to move forward and leave Robbie in the past was working. It was a relief, and it gave me the chance to think about Jasper instead.

Things had definitely been different with him. I was certain a big part of that was to do with the fact he'd finally talked to his father and gotten passed the turmoil behind their relationship. They still had a _long_ way to go, as Jasper had reminded me on numerous occasions, but I could still see the difference.

In a small way, he seemed happier, as if some of the burden had been lifted from his shoulders. In turn, it made me happier because I hated seeing him at such a low point in his life.

Now the main difference I wanted to see was _our _relationship. It wasn't as if things had been going downhill for us; far from it. We'd spent a lot of time together in the park, sitting and talking about any little thing.

Things _were_ improving, but there was always something surrounding us, reminding me that this still wasn't back to how we wanted it to be.

What got to me the most was the way he'd flinched away from my embrace. It became clear to me what happened between us had damaged him more than I'd realised, and from that moment, any physical contact between us had completely evaporated, like it had never been there in the first place.

It was a relief when he finally explained why. He was scared it would happen again, that we would grow closer and something would break us apart once more. I understood his fears completely, how could I not? I couldn't even tell him it wouldn't happen because it just wasn't possible to predict what would happen in the future. To some extent, I had the same fears as him; the fact we were so close played a large part in the breakdown of our friendship.

In a way, we'd been _too_ close, too comfortable around each other, so when something like this happened, the effects of it were alien. It was as if we'd gone from being overfriendly, to being how normal acquaintances behaved around each other.

I didn't like it, and in all honesty, I missed the contact.

I missed the way we used to sit close together, my head on his shoulder, his arm around me. I missed our hugs the most; I yearned for that comfort, that closeness again. I wanted to feel the safeness and relaxation being like that produced. But that in itself had been one of the main factors which led Henry to make assumptions, and then to our subsequent breakdown.

Apart from the time he took my hand in November, we'd barely had any _physical_ contact. In that respect, I knew he was keeping his distance, and I could understand why. It was as if he was afraid of getting that close in case it happened again.

But, what about now? Was he still keeping his distance because he didn't want the contact, or was it because we'd been distant for such a long time, that he didn't know whether to bridge the gap again? From my perspective, I knew I wasn't going to get closer to him until I was certain he wanted me to.

It seemed to get easier whenever we met up, and each time, things were just a little bit smoother when we talked.

But the difference was still so damn prominent.

However, I would be patient because I was confident things would change, and while this damn cold was preventing me from doing many things, it wasn't about to stop me from going to see him today.

Luckily the house was empty, which meant I didn't have any interfering parents telling me what a bad idea it was to go out in the middle of winter with a cold. I wrapped up warm, and then set off towards the park, hoping Jasper would be there to take my mind of how this was going to prolong my sickness.

I wasn't completely sure Jasper knew I was sick. The last time I saw him, I only had a sore throat, and I hadn't really brought it up. Now he was going to see me looking like a ghost with a red nose.

He was already there when I arrived. I smiled to myself when I saw him sitting in sweats and a hoodie. I think he practically lived in them these days. The hood was up, and his hands were buried deep in his pockets.

When I sat down beside him, his eyebrows rose slightly, obviously noticing my Rudolf-style nose.

"Are you okay?"

I very nearly snorted, but caught myself at the last minute, knowing it wouldn't be a wise move.

"No, I feel like death warmed up…or _not_, right now," I grumbled, stuffing my hands under my arms. "Plus, I sound like a frog."

"You're sick." He said it more as statement than a question, but I nodded nonetheless. "Alice, what the fuck are you doing meeting me? You should be in bed in the _warmth_."

Though he swore, I knew he wasn't angry. By now, I'd learnt to take his swearing as part of everyday speech, so I merely shrugged my shoulders sheepishly.

"I wanted to see you," I said, mumbling, as I hunched over to retain some heat.

He shook his head slightly, the corners of his mouth twitching. After a moment, he stood up and signalled for me to follow suit.

"Where are we going?"

"You'll see, come on," he said, speeding up his pace until I was pretty much jogging to keep up with him. I wanted to ask him where we were going; I had a feeling he was walking me home, and I felt a little disappointed because I was sure he wouldn't want to follow me inside.

I was taken aback when we turned onto his street and up towards his house. He didn't say anything, and I knew to keep quiet as he unlocked the door and let me in.

I scanned the hallway, not really understanding the sense of ease I felt when I realised everything looked exactly as I remembered. Once I returned my gaze to Jasper, I saw he was turning up the temperature on the gauge.

"Go in there, I'll be back in a minute," he said, nodding towards the main room while he jogged up the stairs. I did as I was told, going to sit down on the couch. A short while later, Jasper returned, throwing one of his hoodies at me.

"Here, put that on."

He then dumped his duvet on the couch next to me. I couldn't help but smile as I took my coat off and pulled his hoodie on. It engulfed me, being sizes too big, but it was warm and felt more comfortable than what I'd been wearing at home.

As I pulled his duvet towards me, Jasper disappeared into the other room, and after a minute, I heard the kettle boiling. I sat there, wrapped up in the duvet, feeling ten times better than I had in the past few days. I was still blocked up, and numerous things were aching, but being here with Jasper, and knowing he was doing all this just because I was ill, made things so much better.

Jasper looked quite amused when he came back in to find me cocooned in his duvet, the hood up around my ears. He appraised me for a moment before handing me a mug; I stared at it momentarily before smelling the steaming orange liquid.

_Hot orange_.

"Sorry, that's about all I got at the moment," he continued, hinting towards the mug in my hands.

I shook my head, inhaling some of the steam to clear my sinuses. "No, it's brilliant. Thank you."

He smiled slightly at my response before reaching for his keys. At first I thought he was going to hang them up, but he surprised me by putting his boots back on. _Where was he going_?

"Are you going out again?" I asked, not really wanting to sit here on my own while he wasn't in the house with me. As I finished, I started coughing, and he eyed me worriedly for a moment before nodding.

"I'll be back in twenty minutes, tops. Just sit here and drink your orange, okay? I'm going to look after you."

Warmth spread through me at his words, and it had nothing to do with the orange, or the fact I was wrapped up in a million layers. He was going to look after me when he didn't have to. He could have sent me home, told me to stay in bed and not go out until I was better.

But he didn't; he'd brought me here, for the first time in months, and taken it upon himself to be my carer for the day. Today's events were a step forward already, I could feel it, and knowing that we'd progressed was an amazing sensation.

I wasn't going to mention it, though, not at all. I didn't want to make a big deal out of it; if I did that, I may as well have gone up and plastered the word _awkwardness_ across my forehead.

While he was gone, I sat with the mug pressed against my lips as I inhaled the small amount of steam coming from within. It helped to relieve some of the congestion, and when the orange had cooled down enough to drink, it warmed me up inside.

Just as he said, he came back about twenty minutes later with a shopping bag in his hand.

"How are you feeling?" he asked as he dumped his keys on the table and kicked his boots to the side.

I laughed under my breath. "Like my head is going to explode…nothing new."

He smiled, shook his head, and looked down at the bag in his hand. "I got you some stuff."

My eyebrows rose in surprise; I honestly hadn't expected him to go to the shop to buy things for _me_. I studied the bag for a moment, before watching him reach in and pull out a box that looked a lot like-

"I got you some cold and flu medicine," he said, holding the box up before putting them back in the bag. "You can take that home with you, obviously. Uh…I also got you some cough drops."

Then as an afterthought, he added, "Oh, and I bought you some soup, too, you know, if you're…hungry."

He looked kind of embarrassed as he finished, almost as if he thought he'd gone a little overboard. Honestly, I probably didn't need all of it, but every bit of this proved just how amazing Jasper was. If I wasn't so wrapped up, I'd probably have jumped up and hugged him by now.

It was only when that thought sunk in I realised the duvet wasn't the only thing stopping me. If I hugged him now, the outcome wouldn't be positive. The last thing we needed was for me to go and ruin the day like that. So instead, I merely curled up a little more and gave him an encouraging smile as he sat down opposite me.

"Thank you, for all of this. You really didn't have to do it," I told him, hoping he could hear the gratitude in my voice.

"Don't mention it." He shrugged his shoulders, looking away. "You've put up with all my shit over these past few months. It's the least I could do."

I nearly rolled my eyes at him, but decided against at the last second. "I don't _put up_ with anything."

He sent me a half amused, half tired gaze. "You're ill, and you're still too fucking nice to me." I wanted to complain that he was just being hard on himself, but he didn't give me the chance. "I've put you through a lot recently, and I know I had my reasons, but I'm sorry, Alice, for everything."

Once again, I opened my mouth to retaliate, but he held his hand up to stop me before I could get a word out. "Don't even think about brushing me off."

"I wasn't going to…" I replied, knowing he wouldn't buy it at all. I laughed slightly at his sceptical expression, which set me off coughing. Jasper frowned at the sound of it, and watched as I finished off my orange to soothe my throat.

"Would you like some soup?" he inquired, his question taking me by surprise.

"What type is it?"

The corner of his mouth turned upwards as he reached into the bag. "I bought chicken, of course. You're ill, chicken soup is like…tradition."

I grinned and nodded my consent, watching as he took the bag into the other room. I heard him pottering around the kitchen, and was half tempted to get up and help him, but he was back before I actually made a move, and in the end, I settled down with the bowl in front of me.

"Didn't you make some for yourself?"

"I'm not that hungry right now," he replied, nodding towards the bowl, as if he was waiting for me to try it. He must have cooled it down for me, as I was able to eat without burning my mouth. He really had thought of everything.

I smiled to myself as I said, "What would I do without you, huh?"

The second the words left my mouth, I froze and watched as his relaxed expression dropped. He stared right at me, and I could see the panicked look was back in his eyes once again.

I realised too late that come next year, my comment was going to ring true.

"You'll just have to find someone else to look after you," he said stiffly. Just from the look on his face I could tell he was as uncomfortable with the thought as I was. I didn't _want_ to find someone else to look after me. I wanted _him_ to look after me. My eyes watered at the thought, and I lowered my gaze so he wouldn't see.

"I still mean what I said the other month. I don't want to leave you," I whispered dejectedly, looking down at my lap. "It's not just because I don't want to leave you here on your own; there's a more selfish reason than that."

I looked up to see him staring, waiting for me to continue. "Jasper, I…I don't think I could function properly being somewhere you're not."

His brow pulled together, and his anguished expression tore at me. Without warning, he shifted closer, taking the bowl from my hands and putting it on the coffee table. I didn't take my eyes off him as he pulled the duvet away so he could sit directly in front of me.

"Alice…" It came out as a whisper, and as unhappiness washed over his features, he took my hand and pulled me against his chest. I hadn't been expecting it, and I had to catch my breath before I wrapped my arms around him, burying my face into the soft fabric of his hoodie.

He held onto me tightly, pouring everything from the past few months into the embrace. I could feel his heart racing, and I squeezed my eyes shut as I felt him take in a deep breath.

"Alice, I don't want you to go," he said brokenly. I was crying the moment his words registered. In a way, I'd known he didn't want me to go from the instant I'd told him about the call from Oakland. But to hear him confirm my suspicions was hitting me harder than I thought it would.

I didn't say anything in response because there was nothing I could say. In every sense of the word, it was such a relief. I didn't want to live the next few years of my life only seeing him at Christmas and over the summer. I wanted to be here, with Jasper, so that I could see him and talk to him whenever I wanted. The fact I knew he felt the same way made my own wishes more founded.

Gradually he pulled back, and his hands fell to his lap. "But, I'm not going to ask you to stay," he continued adamantly, the undercurrent of dejection still in his voice. "It's your future, and I'd _never_ ask you to give that up for me."

One minute I didn't know what to do, and then suddenly it was so clear, and I wasn't sure why I hadn't thought of it before.

"Come with me."

"_What_?"

"To college," I replied instantly, my mind silently whirring as I thought about the possibilities. "Come with me to college next year."

He looked stunned by my request, and for a full minute he didn't say anything. But I could tell he was thinking about it, and _God_, I hoped he was giving it a proper chance because now that I'd thought of it, I couldn't let it go.

"I don't know, Alice...I can't-" It was as if he caught himself because he didn't continue after that, and I felt my heart sink a little. _He can't_. _He doesn't know_. What was there for me to say to that?

I knew why this was so hard for him. Funding wasn't really an issue anymore; he'd been working since he arrived over a year ago, and there was numerous ways to get help for that, anyway. What it came down to was one, simple thing.

His family.

Ever since the Whitlocks' arrived, I knew Jasper saw himself as the head of the family, the one who had to take care of Emily, provide for the both of them and protect them with all he had. In a way, he's had to do that for years, but now his father was back, it had turned everything on its head.

A lot could happen in the next year, though, and despite the fact he was scared they would leave him behind, he had to show them he was moving forward, too. But that didn't mean I knew how he was going to take this, and when he opened his mouth to speak, I hadn't a clue what was about to come out.

"I'll think about it," he finally said, still sounding unsure, but there was something in his voice that told me he would stick to his word.

"You'll really think about it?"

I hadn't meant to say it; I wasn't really aware I _had_ spoken until I saw a tiny smile grace his lips.

"I promise I will," he murmured, settling back onto the couch. "How about you get me the application forms for Christmas? I'll definitely have to think about it then, won't I?"

I wasn't sure what to make of his latter comment, but I nodded nonetheless, taking it one hundred percent serious. In the minutes that followed, we sat in comfortable silence while I retrieved my bowl and finished the last of my soup.

It didn't take me long, and soon enough, Jasper was taking it into the kitchen to wash up. When he came back in, he found me wrapped up in his duvet again, and as he went to sit down, I was certain he'd return to his position at the end. To my relief, he sat down beside me, pushing his hands into his pockets once again.

I caught him watching me as I yawned and burrowed further into the warmth, feeling exhausted enough to fall asleep right here.

"Do you want to sleep?" he asked gently, but I shook my head.

"As tempting as that sounds, laying down only makes it worse," I replied slowly, running my hands over my warm face. "I get all blocked up, and then it's impossible to sleep until it gets to the point where I can't keep my eyes open any longer."

"You could always sleep sitting up," he said offhand, and as he finished, I could tell he didn't think I was going to agree to that.

"I don't think that'll work," I muttered, smiling slightly at the thought. "I'd rather not add neck ache to the list."

He nodded as if to say _fair enough_, and then went silent for a long while. I could tell he was thinking about something, though, when he looked around and sat up a little higher on the chair.

"You could lean against me, if you want? I mean, your head won't be at an odd angle if you do."

His question took me by complete surprise, but he sounded so unsure of himself, so I hid it well on my face as I really thought about it. But it didn't take me long to realise that I wanted to say _yes._ I craved to be near to him so badly, and this was my only chance.

"Are you sure?"

The enquiry was out my mouth before it could properly formulate in my mind. This wasn't just about here and now, this was about whether he was ready for that. He'd hugged me earlier, but this was different, _so_ very different.

He seemed to understand the message behind my question, but chose not to mention it as he nodded and signalled me over. I studied his expression and posture, looking for signs of distress of uneasiness, but I saw neither of those. In fact, he looked…at ease, and it was comforting to see that.

"You know you're going to be open to my germs, right?" I asked, as I shuffled closer, the duvet still around me.

He shrugged his shoulders. "If that's the case, then I'm already open to it with you sitting next to me."

I didn't respond because he was right. Besides, that wasn't why I'd said it. It had given him the chance to back away, and while I didn't want him to take it, I would have let him.

When I got to his side, he opened the duvet and tentatively placed his arm around me, his hand resting just below my ribs.

"Come on, get comfortable, or you'll never sleep," he said quietly, as if this was affecting him more than he was letting on. I did as I was told, curling my legs up in front of me, effectively snuggling into his side.

I looked at him once I was settled, noticing how close our faces were. He turned to look down at me, and suddenly there was so much I wanted to say to him, yet knowing the words wouldn't come.

"Thank you," I said instead, knowing the strength behind that word would reach him. He nodded once and pulled the covers up so it was wrapped around the both of us.

"Now try and get some sleep, it'll do you some good," he insisted; his voice just as quiet as before.

Though I wasn't so sure it would, I still closed my eyes and relaxed into him, feeling at ease now that we were together again. It was impossible to tell how long this would last, or whether the physical aspect of our friendship would remain the same. But right now, I didn't want to think about it; all I wanted to do was focus on the here and now.

I wasn't sure how long it took, but somewhere along the line, I drifted off.

* * *

I was dreaming. At least, I think I was. There was an arm around me, and the warmth it created was everywhere. It _must_ have been a dream, but then I tried to breathe in, and I knew my sinuses would not be _that_ blocked if I were asleep.

I opened my eyes, but didn't move as I remembered what happened before I fell asleep. I'd been lying against Jasper, but I'd been in a different position, I was sure of it. My legs were now across his lap, and his arm was resting upon them.

But his arms were limp…almost as if he didn't want to be holding me, and this was making him uncomfortable. Maybe he didn't have it in him to wake me up and ask me to move. A dull ache formed in my chest; it hurt to realise that, but I knew whatever he was feeling, it was bound to be ten times worth. So I had to…

My thoughts trailed away as I looked up to find his head lolled to the side, facing towards me, as if he'd nodded off whilst looking at me. Contentment spread through me as realised he wasn't tense or distressed or bored…he was comfortable with me, comfortable enough to fall asleep.

I smiled to myself at that, feeling relief wash over me. I freed my hand and reached for his, delicately tangling our fingers together. Even though he was asleep, I still felt his fingers twist around mind. My heart swelled and I closed my eyes, relishing in the sensation.

This was all I ever wanted, to be like this, close, together. So much was happening, so much was changing, and though the magnitude of it all scared me to death sometimes, I knew that in the end, nothing else mattered.

* * *

**A/N****: See, I told you things would improve. As I mentioned to a few of you in review replies the other week, I really think Jasper needed something like this to happen. He always seems to take it upon himself to look after the ones that he cares about. Recently, he hasn't been able to do that. This gave him to chance to fall back into the role he was more comfortable with, allowing him to open up and let her back in.**

**I don't think the characters in this story have actually suffered from a normal sick bug, so I think it was about time one of them got a cold.**

**I have a bit of award pimping to do. Maybe you've heard of the Hopeless Romantic Awards? This story has been nominated in a couple of categories, and while there is little to no chance of winning, I thought I'd point it out, anyway. Oh, and say thank you to whoever it was that nominated me! Also, a few of the banners I've made have been entered, too. My other username is FrozenSoldier, if you didn't already know. Link is below, just take out the spaces.**

**hopelessromanticawards . blogspot . com**

**Like always, I'm sending teasers to anyone who reviews.**


	60. Chapter 59

**A/N****: Chapter 59!**

**To all my new readers, I don't know where you came from, but hello, it's nice to see you. To those who have stuck by me, my love for you, as always, is strong.**

**It's Christmas! Well, it is Lost in Orbit world…**

**Disclaimer****: I think I need to start hiring someone to write my disclaimers, I'm running out of creative juice. How many ways are there to say I'm not Stephenie Meyer?**

* * *

**Chapter 59 - Dream Catchers**

**25****th**** December 2009**

**Alice POV**

Surprisingly, Jasper remained as healthy as ever after the day we spent together. It was such a relief; the last thing I needed was to hear he'd come down with a cold, it would certainly have put a downer on the fact our friendship had flourished since then.

When he'd woken up, there hadn't been the awkwardness I'd feared. Don't get me wrong, we didn't sit all snuggled up together for long, we both needed to stretch our leg. But, at least he hadn't pushed me away – that was what I'd feared the most.

We still met up at the bench; I was sure that wasn't going to change for a while yet, but he'd surprised me by coming to the house one afternoon. It had been tense as he walked in and scanned the hallway, but after the initial minute had passed, he seemed to relax.

We didn't hug again, though. I was still a little unsure as to whether he was ready for _me_ to initiate it, so I didn't push my luck, knowing I'd rather wait than ruin the progress we'd made.

I could see the difference in the way Jasper was around me every day, so I knew it was just a matter of time before I'd no longer have to worry about pushing him too far again.

The sound of my phone ringing broke me from my thoughts, and I snapped to attention, running to pick it up.

"Hello."

"Hey, Alice."

Jasper's voice rang in my ears. I hadn't spoken to him today to wish him Merry Christmas, and it was coming up to seven in the evening.

"Hi, Jas, how's your day been so far?"

There was a pause on the other end of the line. "It's been…good, I guess. Awkward as hell at times, though, but what can I do about it?"

I nodded thoughtfully to myself; already being aware of the fact Jon Whitlock was spending Christmas and New Years with his wife and children, it wasn't so surprising that things had been a little awkward. I could remember when Sylvia had proposed the idea to Jasper and Emily. It was near the start of the month, and she'd spoken to them separately. Jasper told me Emily had agreed readily – "_Why wouldn't she?"_ was his response, whereas he'd gone away to think about it first.

Naturally, he'd agreed a few days later, though I could tell he had continued to silently stew on it in his mind. The meetings at our bench previous to that event had been spent in silence nearly the whole time we were together. But the fact I knew I'd helped just by being there, I didn't mind that he barely said a word.

I hadn't officially seen them together since Jasper told me they'd talked to one another, so I could only go by the changes he'd described. Such as Jon approaching him and starting a conversation every now and again instead of holding back and giving him some space. There hadn't been anymore arguments between them, which was the main thing.

"It's your first Christmas together since Emily was a baby, that's only natural," I replied gently. "It'll get better, Jas, I know it will."

He sighed. "I know. I just want the tension in the air to be gone. I'm tired of it, Alice, I just…I want to feel comfortable when he's around."

"You will, one day," I reassured him, hoping he listened to me. "These things take time, you know that."

"You're right." He paused. "Let's change the subject – it's Christmas, I don't want to think about all that shit right now. What are you up to?"

I silently agreed it was best to change the subject. It wouldn't do him any good to get in a bad mood over this. Like he said, it was Christmas, and with Jon in the house, it was better for him to be in a more contented frame of mind.

"Nothing much, right now," I replied honestly. "I'm thinking of putting on a DVD while I wait for my parents and Cynthia to come back."

"Where did they go?"

I opened my mouth, and then closed it again a second later. I hadn't meant to falter and make it obvious, but I'd damn well done that the moment I didn't respond.

"Alice?"

"They went to the Graysons' house," I finally replied, wincing at how reluctant my voice came across. He didn't want me to make things awkward whenever I mentioned anything relating to Robbie, but I still found it hard to actually do that at times, just because I knew what it did to him.

There was a long pause on the other end of the line, and I grimaced, knowing he could work out why I hadn't answered straight away.

"Oh right…makes why you're at home alone."

He didn't have a hint of awkwardness in his voice, and I relaxed slightly, moving on from it. He could very well be hiding it from me; I just hoped and prayed that he wasn't.

"They go every year, Bella and her dad do, too," I informed him so we didn't lapse into silence. "I might have gone if Bella was there, but she's spending the evening with Edward, so…I stayed here."

For some reason, I pictured him nodding in response to me. But what I didn't expect was what he said next.

"You could always come over here for a few hours. You know, to watch the movie with me. It's better that than being on your own."

Like earlier, my mouth opened and closed like a goldfish. But this time, it was in surprise. He was inviting me over on Christmas day? That wasn't just it, though…I hadn't seen his family in months, and I wasn't sure how they were going to take to seeing me again.

"Jas, I can't," I told him immediately, shaking my head as if he could see me. "I don't want to intrude. It's Christmas day, I can't come over now."

"Why can't you? You said Bella is with Edward, so don't tell me it's meant to be just a day with the family."

_Bella is Edward's girlfriend_, I wanted to tell him, but I held my tongue. I sure wanted to go over, but I wasn't positive how welcoming Sylvia and Jon were going to be. I was certain they wanted it to be just the four of them. Besides, after the problems between me and Jasper, I doubted mine was a face they wanted to see right now.

"Come on, Alice." His tone turned persuasive. "I've got to give you your presents, anyway."

I sighed, knowing I was going to give in to him. I was actually quite interested to see what he'd bought me. When the others had come back from college, we'd all decided to set a budget – a small one, at that. We were all saving for college, so the budget was the most sensible thing we could do.

The fact we were saving for college led me to one of my presents for Jasper. Apart from the photo frame holding the picture of us back from the party in June, I'd also got him college forms.

Much like the day he'd told me to get the forms for Christmas, I still couldn't work out whether he liked the idea. Maybe he wasn't serious about the forms, but I'd done it, anyway. _It was worth a try, right_? The more I thought about it, the less I liked the prospect of having to say goodbye to him.

So I had to try.

Apart from that, I'd wanted to get him something else, something better than just a picture and some application forms. But my mind had come up short. _What the hell did I get him_?

It was only then that I found a section in the back of a shop that sold jewellery for men. It was a bracelet…well, it wasn't even that. It was more a leather strap you wore around your wrist. It was brown with a simple design; a perfect gift. I'd never seen Jasper wearing any kind of jewellery, but this was something I thought he would wear.

"Alice?"

Snapping out of my thoughts, I focused on the conversation once again.

"Fine," I muttered, fighting the sudden smile that wanted to form. "I'll come over in a little while."

"Good, you cracked," he said lightly, not leaving me room to reply. "I'll see you soon. Oh, and, Alice? Merry Christmas."

With that he was gone, and I pulled the phone away from my face and stared at it. That had been a little…abrupt. But I shook my head, trying not to think anything of it as I made my way upstairs to gather my things.

Once I was in my room, I went for my bag. Inside was the wrist strap, and two photo frames, one for me and one for him. I adored the picture I'd chosen, and as I'd printed it out I realised I wanted one for myself.

As I took my out, I stared at it momentarily before glancing at the picture of me and Robbie on my bedside table. A small sigh passed my lips as I reached for it and held them side by side.

The picture had been there for years, but it was time for it to be taken down; I'd been mulling it over for a while now. After briefly running my fingers over the glass pane, I opened my top drawer and placed it inside, shutting it a second later.

I closed my eyes, sensing I'd moved forward a couple more steps. As soon as my eyes opened, I placed the picture of me and Jasper on the table. Smiling to myself, I stood up and left the room.

After writing a quick note to let my parents know where I was, I made my way to Jasper's. When I reached his house, I paused and took a deep breath before knocking on the front door.

My nervous expression must have been a picture, as the moment Jasper opened the door, he face lit up with a smile.

"Don't look so worried," he said, beckoning me in. "They don't mind you coming over. Besides, they're going out once Emily's in bed. We'll be on our own."

I felt a little relieved by this, though the anxiety was still there as I followed Jasper into the main room. I scanned the room and saw Sylvia was sitting with Emily, both watching as I walked in.

"Hi, Alice," Sylvia said, smiling at the both of us. I smiled back; finally relaxing completely as I realised Jasper was right. I had nothing to worry about. I greeted her, then said hello to Emily, who was wearing a pair of Christmas themed pyjamas.

I'd barely sat down before Jon walked in. "Oh, hey, kid, didn't realise you were here," he said, taking me by surprise as he called me _kid_.

"Sorry, but I'm gonna steal Jasper away for a little while," he continued. "I hope that's okay?"

Before I could answer, I realised the latter question wasn't directed me at all. He was looking at Jasper, and I found myself looking away, not wanting to intrude.

"Sure," Jasper said a moment later. There was an uncertainty in his voice, but when I glanced over at Jon, taking in his pleased expression, I realised he hadn't even noticed it.

After one, last look at me, Jasper followed him outside. The room went silent; I began to wonder how long it would be until Jasper was back again. That was until Sylvia broke the silence.

"He's probably showing him the bike," she said thoughtfully. I wasn't sure she was directing it at me, but my curiosity peaked, and I replied before I even knew I'd done it.

"What bike?"

"Oh, sorry, Jasper probably didn't get around to telling you." She shook her head, as if she'd forgotten something. "Jon gave Jasper his motorcycle."

My eyes nearly bugged out of their sockets as her words sunk in. He'd given Jasper his _bike_?

"Doesn't he need it anymore?"

"He's got a company car," she informed me. "It's much more practical for work. Besides, I think his riding days are coming to an end."

She smiled to herself for a moment. It was a wistful expression. "He used to ride all the time, but I guess it's time he passes it on to Jasper."

A question came to mind as she finished, and for a moment, I worried it was too personal.

"How did you two meet?"

I bit my lip as I waited for her to mull over my question. Thankfully she didn't seem put out that I'd asked, so I pulled my feet up onto the couch, waiting for her to answer.

"I was sixteen at the time," she began, mimicking my movements to get comfortable. "I was in a diner with a group of friends, and we heard this loud noise coming from outside. When I looked out the window, there he was, just pulling up on his bike."

Her smile widened and she looked down at her lap. "The moment he removed his helmet, I couldn't take my eyes off him. He was all leather and wild blond hair. As cliché as it sounds, I just _knew_ as soon as I saw him."

"Knew what?" I inquired, finding it hard not to smile at the story. It sounded like something from a movie. I tried not to think about what happened later in their life together.

She let out a gentle laugh. "I'm not sure, really. I just knew things were going to change. Although, I can't say I predicted that in two years from there, we'd be engaged with our own house and a little baby boy to look after."

This time, I couldn't hide my surprise. I already knew they had Jasper at a young age, but I hadn't quite expected her to be eighteen at the time. That meant she had been my age when she had Jasper. I shook my head slightly, not being able to even begin to _imagine_ myself with a baby of my own.

"What did your parents think of that? I mean, having a baby at that age."

She raised an eyebrow, as if to say _what do you think_? "They didn't approve, of course. But our parents helped us to get the house and settle in. The only problem was they didn't really take well to Jon. He was a bit of a rebel back then, you see.

"They…" She paused to search for the proper way to phrase the rest of her sentence. "…didn't think he was very _suitable_. But when you're in love, it doesn't matter what you're parents think anymore. I'm sure you can understand that, yourself."

I nodded slowly, silently wishing I could understand just a little more.

When she finished, Emily, who was all but forgotten in our conversation, took away her attention, and I sat for a few minutes in silence, thinking about what she'd told me. It sounded picture perfect, in a way, and it made me wonder whether Jasper had ever asked to hear their story.

As I thought about Jasper, I heard the front door open, and I knew Jasper and his father were coming back in. I looked towards the door as Jasper walked in, quickly scanning his face to see if he was okay. Thankfully, he was.

"You alright?" he asked me, instead. I nodded, and watched as Sylvia got up and went to talk to Jon. Jasper looked at his parents for a moment before coming to take Sylvia's old seat.

"So," I began, capturing Jasper's attention. "Your dad gave you his motorbike, huh?"

A dazed look spread across his face as he nodded. "Yeah, I really wasn't expecting him to do that. I can't believe it at all. It seems too much, you know?"

I could understand where he was coming from. It really was a big gift to give someone, especially given the strenuous relationship they'd had over the past few years. But it was a way for Jon to show Jasper just how much he meant to him, and I could tell he was happy with it.

"You'll have to show me sometime."

He nodded, and was about to say something when Emily reached over and pulled on his sleeve.

"Can I give it to her now?" Emily whispered, looking hopeful at her brother. Jasper sighed and glanced at me before nodding. Emily smiled widely and ran from the room.

"What's going on?" I asked Jasper as I heard Emily going upstairs. She wanted to show me something? I hadn't gotten that impression from her at all while Jasper was outside, so it obviously meant she was waiting for Jasper's approval.

_Why_?

"Emily drew you a picture," he said slowly, and for the first time since I arrived, I heard a hint of uneasiness in his voice. I was going to ask what was wrong with it when Emily came back and handed me a folded sheet of paper. She was practically buzzing.

Jasper watched me a little too closely as I unfolded the picture. But I forgot about him as I saw what she'd drawn. It was a picture of two people; one was a girl with black hair, the other was a boy with blond hair. I knew straight away that it was a picture of me and Jasper.

But that wasn't what made me stop and stare. It was the fact Emily had drawn us smiling and holding hands. I knew by putting myself in a six year olds mind, she wouldn't realise what it meant, but Jasper sure as hell did, and it was then I worked out why he was so awkward about the whole thing. He was probably wary of my reaction.

"This is really nice, Emily," I told her gently, giving her a quick smile before looking at Jasper who was still watching me. "It looks like your sister is going to be an artist when she's older."

He seemed to relax then, and a weak smile replaced the hesitancy. "A bit like you, then."

I chuckled, and then a second later, it reminded me about the application forms, and coincidently his present. However, before I could get up to retrieve them, Sylvia poked her head around the door and beckoned Emily to get ready for bed.

After waving and kissing Jasper on the check, Emily scrambled up the stairs and suddenly Jasper and I were alone.

"I can give you your present now," I told him as I retrieved the bag. He thanked me as soon as I handed it to him. I rolled my eyes, which didn't go unnoticed. He hadn't even looked inside.

He took the frame out first and smiled when he saw the picture inside.

"I do like this picture," he said as he studied it.

"Yeah, I remember you saying," I replied, looking at it, too. "I've got one in my room, and I thought maybe you'd like one, as well."

He nodded, and placed the frame on the side and reached into the bag for the wrist strap. Once it was unwrapped, he didn't say anything as he turned it over in his hands.

"No one has ever bought me jewellery before," he finally said before glancing up at me.

"Do you like it?" I asked nervously. "I know it's not really something you've ever worn before. I mean, you don't even have to wear it, I just…"

He held his arm out to me, the wrist strap in his other hand. "It's great, Alice. Help me put it on."

I half tried to hide the smile on my face as I untied it and placed it around his wrist. He was willingly allowing me to make contact with him once again, and though it was such a small thing, it meant the world to me. Once it was on, he held his arm up to examine it.

It really suited him, and I went on to tell him before he reached into the bag for the final present.

"Is this what I think it is?" he asked, holding up the envelope containing the Oakland application form.

My expression turned sheepish. "It might be…"

He laughed and shook his head. "I can't believe you remembered."

"It's serious, so I didn't forget." I shrugged, not wanting to think about the meaning behind it. "I just thought I'd give them to you so that it's an option. You suggested it, so you can't complain."

He held his hands up in mock surrender. "Fair enough. I'll look at them later, promise."

He got up then and went over to the Christmas tree in the corner and picked up a gift bag. He brought it back to me and removed something from within it.

"I didn't bother to wrap this one," he said as he handed me a new sketch pad. "It was kind of last minute…but the year is coming to an end, and I thought, you know, a new year, a new sketchpad."

I nodded, understanding his logic completely. I really hadn't done very much drawing in the past year, but next year was going to be different, and now I had a new sketchpad to work in, I would be able to start straight away.

Before I could thank him, he'd reached into the bag and produced a small box. I eyed it warily, wondering what the hell was inside. It didn't look as if he'd spent less than twenty dollars on it.

"Don't give me that look," he said teasingly, placing the box in my hand. "I promise it's in the budget."

I laughed under my breath, shaking my head. It was as if he'd read my mind. Once I found the clasp, I removed the lid and peered inside. My eyebrows rose in gentle surprise as I saw what he'd bought me.

"It's a dream catcher," he informed me, though I already knew. "It catches the good _and_ bad ones, apparently."

I turned it over in my hand, letting a slow smile grace my lips. It was beautiful, with such an intricate design. His gifts were really quite perfect.

"Thank you, Jas," I told him, my voice quiet. I didn't once take my eyes from the gift in my hand as I spoke. "This is perfect."

"I'm glad you like them," he said, relieved. "I definitely suck when it comes to buying presents."

I rolled my eyes at him once again. "I bet you hate shopping, like most other guys, right?"

He grinned and nodded quickly just as Jon came back in. I was the only one who noticed the grin slip from Jasper's face.

"Sylvia and I are goin' now. Will you kids be alright on your own?"

Jasper let out a quick laugh that I wasn't sure sounded like humour. "Yeah, I think we'll manage."

Jon nodded, once again not sensing anything off about Jasper's response. "Great, we'll see you later, then."

They said their goodbyes, and it was only when the front door closed behind them did Jasper talk again.

"Sometimes I reckon he still thinks I'm fourteen."

My thoughts turned sympathetic as I studied him. It was obvious there was still issues between them, _big_ issues, and the awkwardness Jasper had told me about was as plain as day right now.

I was about to ask if he wanted to talk things over with me, but he shook his head slightly, as if snapping out of his thoughts. A part of me wondered if he could sense I was about to ask if he wanted to talk, but I pushed that thought away as soon as it came to mind.

"Do you want to watch the movie now? I got some new ones today."

I raised an eyebrow. "Horror?"

The grin was back on his face at my enquiry, and it felt like such a relief to see it there. "Of course."

I agreed, and while he went to choose one to watch, I got up to go toilet. When I got back, he was standing by the DVD player reading the back of the case. Instead of sitting down, I went to stand next to him.

"Thank you for inviting me over," I said gently, watching him smile and shrug his shoulders.

"It's nothing, really. I'm glad you're here."

_Me too_, I thought, suddenly having the urge to hug him, but not quite knowing if I could. My brow pulled together. He must have sensed something was off, as he put the DVD case on the side and turned to me.

"Alice?"

I looked down and wondered what would happen if I hugged him. Would he flinch away like the last time I tried? If he did, it would completely ruin our evening, and I really didn't need that right now. Not only that, I couldn't imagine what Jon and Sylvia would think when they come home to find Jasper alone and in God knows what state.

But _would_ that happen? Would he really react the same way? We'd been relatively close in the past month, more than we had in the ones previous, but I just couldn't call it. There was that niggling voice in the back of my mind that kept putting me off.

I wasn't sure of my expression, but when I glanced up to meet his gaze, I saw a frown spread across his face.

"What's wrong?"

I shook my head, whispering, "Nothing," as I stepped closer. My eyes closed as my arms wrapped around his waist. For a few seconds everything was silent, and Jasper was as stiff as a board.

I held my breath, silently begging that he wouldn't push me away.

Then slowly, his arms encased me, and I let out a sigh of pure relief. With my ear against his chest, I heard his heart racing and I thought _I missed you_, as I breathed him in.

We stood like that for a while longer, but finally I pulled away with a hint of reluctance. He merely watched me as I did so, and in his eyes, I saw an understanding. He could understand why it had been so hard for me.

As I sat down, it was such a relief to know we'd passed what had been holding me back. He didn't say anything as he sat down beside me and started the film.

Pulling my legs up onto the chair, I rested my chin on my knees, being ready to duck in case the film got too scary. I hadn't seen the case, so I didn't know what the film was going to be about. But I knew I was going to watch it, regardless of what happened. Besides, Jasper was here, and that made me feel a whole lot better.

* * *

Jasper, being pretty much immune to anything creepy, found my cowering away quite amusing.

"Alice, you can look up now," he told me after I'd been hiding my face in my knees for the past minute. "The scary bit is over."

I snorted; the ominous music was still playing, which told me he wasn't telling the whole truth.

The film revolved around puppets and ventriloquism. The puppets were being controlled, and you'd die the moment you screamed in their presence. Quite frankly, the whole thing was scaring me shitless.

I'd been wrong earlier; if I'd known what the film was about, I'd have asked him to change it. I _hated_ puppets with a wild passion, so much so, that if I ever saw on in my house, I'd smash the thing within seconds of seeing it. Yet here I was, still watching the film…the majority of the time.

Suddenly I felt Jasper tugging on a strand of my hair. "Come on, you're going to miss the best bit."

I turned my head so that I could see him, but making the screen was still covered with my knees. "How do you know it's the best bit? I thought you'd never seen this before."

He sighed. "I haven't seen it, but I just _know_ this is going to be the best part. The guy has gone into the house, there were all those puppets back there, and his friend has just been killed. Something is _bound_ to happen, and you _have to watch it_."

"Why does this not scare you?" I grumbled, wincing at the sound of the threatening music.

"It's just puppets, Alice," he said, not taking his eyes off the screen.

"Oh, sure, _just puppets_," I muttered under my breath, refusing to look at the TV screen. After a moment, Jasper sighed again and put the movie on pause.

"Would you like me to get my duvet so you don't sit there covering your face for the rest of the movie? It looks fucking uncomfortable sitting like that."

I nodded quickly, liking the idea a lot. I wasn't sure what he was thinking, but the duvet would be a very suitable thing to hide behind. Plus if I buried myself under it, the sound would be slightly muffled.

_Sorted_.

He got up then and left the room. Thinking that it was safe, I lifted my head from my knees, and yelped when I looked at the TV screen. He'd paused it on a close up of the puppets face.

_I'm going to kill him_.

Covering my face once again, I counted each step he took as he made his way down the stairs until he walked back into the room.

"Why is your face still covered?" I was certain he was rolling his eyes. "I put it on pause!"

I pulled my hands back, glaring up at him. "Look what you paused it on!"

He looked back over his shoulder and scanned the screen for a moment before turning back to me.

"Oh. Sorry."

I huffed quietly and took the duvet from him, wrapping one end around my legs. He came to sit down next to me, closer this time, and took the other end of the duvet. He brought his legs up onto the chair, too, so we were pretty much in the same position.

"Can I press play now?"

I cringed, but nodded. "Fine, but don't sit there teasing me if I hide. I'm so scared of those damn puppet things, it's not even funny."

"What?"

Something in his voice made me look at him, and when I did, I saw an expression close to guilt spread across his face.

"You're scared of puppets?" I nodded quickly. "_Alice_, why didn't you_ tell_ me? I wouldn't have put this one on, otherwise!"

My shoulders shrugged as I brought the duvet up and under my chin. "I didn't realise the whole film was going to be about them."

He frowned. "Do you want me to stop it? We can watch something different."

I shook my head. "No, it's okay. I'm sure this one is nearly finished, anyway."

He didn't look completely convinced that I wanted to continue, and frankly, I didn't really want to. But if we stopped now, it would mean he'd had to pick it up again another time, and by that point, he'd probably have forgotten some of the main points. So we were going to watch it until the end, or, at least, _he_ was going to watch it until the end.

After a few seconds passed, he started the film once again. I cringed away from the TV, but kept my eyes upon it. The scene wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be; the puppet didn't even move.

It was only then I realised the puppet was actually human, and the one controlling them had jumped out from behind it. I screamed so loud even Jasper jumped.

He nudged into me with his body. "Don't do that again, you scared the shit out of me. Scream and you die, remember?"

"Do you think you're funny or something?" My voice was a little harsher than I intended, but he paid little attention to it. It was stupid, but I suddenly feeling quite scared. It was just a movie, after all, but my heart was pounding. "Shame on whoever bought you this film."

"It was Edward," he replied, chuckling slightly at the tone of my voice. "He became aware of my collection and decided to add to it."

I muttered something unintelligible and crossed my arms in front of me, resolutely ignoring what was playing across the screen. It was then that I felt Jasper shift closer to me. I stopped concentrating entirely and held my breath as I felt him put his arm around me.

_What…I…_

"Don't worry, Alice, I won't let that crazy bitch get to you," he said, patting my arm soothingly.

I couldn't help the wide smile that burst across my face. Luckily Jasper couldn't see, as I'd covered half my face with his duvet.

This month had been a turning point for us, a big turning point. It was such a liberating feeling to knowing that we'd finally moved on from the barrier that was stopping up from progressing.

"Thank you," I whispered, thanking him for more than he realised as I rested my head against his shoulder.

In exactly a week we'd have welcomed in the New Year, and I could already feel the difference.

Things were about to change.

* * *

**A/N****: If you were wondering, the film they were watching was called Dead Silence. I passed my fear of puppets onto Alice. A friend made me watch that film once…**_**never**_** again. The twist at the end of that film, dude!**

**The talk between Alice and Sylvia wasn't necessary for the overall plot, but ever since I began thinking about their history, I just had to share it.**

**Remember to check out the Hopeless Romantic Awards that I mentioned in the previous chapter AN. Voting closes on the 30th.**

**Teasers go out to reviewers!**


	61. Chapter 60

**A/N****: Chapter 60!**

**Sorry for the wait, no excuses, just an apology. Thanks to koko for the help.**

**I'm on the home stretch with this story. Only two chapters left to complete – twenty-three left to post. Kinda excited.**

**Disclaimer****: *whispers* I'm Stephenie Meyer…and if you believe that, you'll believe anything. P.s don't want to be her anyway *nods in idealskeptic's direction***

* * *

**Chapter 60 - At the Stroke of Midnight**

**31****st**** December 2009**

**Alice POV**

"Hey, kid," Jon said as he answered the door. "Why don't you come in? Jasper's in the shower at the moment, so you're gonna have to wait a while."

I smiled to myself to hear Jasper was still getting ready when I was dressed and prepared to go. It surprised me, actually. Usually Jasper was the punctual one. But if he was still in the shower, it meant he was running late tonight. Briefly I tried to work out _why_ he was so late, but I pushed the thought to the back of my mind as I entered the house.

When I went into the main room, I saw Emily alone. I idly wondered where Sylvia was, as I knew Jon still hadn't moved in permanently.

I looked back when I heard Jon walk in. "Do you think you could watch over Emily for a little bit? I have some work to finish off before Sylvia gets back."

"Sure," I said, smiling. He nodded his head in appreciation before grabbing his laptop from the side and disappearing into the kitchen. As I sat down next to Emily, I began wondering whether he always brought his work with him. It seemed a strange thing to do when his time with his family was limited.

It was quiet in the house, with only the sound of running water upstairs, and the slight rustle of papers as Emily looked at a book with large print and a lot of pictures.

After a moment, I felt her shift beside me. "Your hair is pretty."

I smiled and murmured, "Thank you," as I thought back to the hours I spent getting each curl to look as perfect as possible.

"Can you make my hair look pretty, too?" she asked, hopeful.

My smile grew wider. "Of course I can."

She clapped her hands adorably, hopped off the chair, took my hand and finally pulled me from the room. Her enthusiasm amused me, and I chuckled to myself as we made our way upstairs. But when we got to the top step, the chuckle died on my lips.

Jasper had just stepped out the bathroom.

Emily's hand slipped out of mine as she continued walking, seemingly uninterested and not bothered by the fact her brother had just emerged from the bathroom with nothing but a towel around his waist. Even from where I stood, I could see the slight dampness of his skin.

My eyes widened about the same time his did, and instinctively travelled over his body. It was completely silent between us, and I wanted to say something, but my mouth was dry and I couldn't structure a full sentence because _damn_, he looked _good_.

I felt a deep blush spread across my cheeks at the same moment he said my name in a faint, awkward voice.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…" But my voice trailed away from me, not knowing how I was going to end the sentence.

Did I not mean to walk upstairs at the same moment he was stepping out the bathroom? Did I not mean to check him out? I swallowed heavily at the thought, trying to keep my eyes on his face and not drifting downwards.

"I won't be long," Jasper said, trying to ease the tension surrounding us. I nodded quickly, still unable to say anything coherent.

He moved away and went towards his room, which, coincidently, was right behind me. When he walked past, I inhaled without thinking, and my eyes went out of focus as I caught the freshly showered scent he was exuding.

I told myself I wouldn't turn around, but before I knew what I was doing, I was looking over my shoulder and watching him walk into his room. When he closed the door, I shook my head quickly, trying to stop myself thinking about what I'd just seen.

"Alice?" Emily called as she reappeared in her doorway. I blinked then looked at her, knowing I had to distract myself from thinking about Jasper.

Emily didn't say anything as I blindly followed her into the room and sat down on the bed. She gave me a hairbrush and an assortment of hair bands and clips, and then sat down in front of me.

I tried to concentrate on what I was doing, I really did. But instead of seeing her hair, I was seeing Jasper's – dishevelled and darkened from the water.

_Shit._

_How was I going to face him later?_

* * *

**Jasper POV**

Since leaving Alice in the hallway, I'd managed to walk to my bed and sit down. That was ten minutes ago, and I was still sitting with the towel wrapped around my waist. If Alice happened to walk in now, she'd see more than she bargained for.

Why hadn't I looked outside first? I _always_ looked outside. So why was today so different? Technically, I knew it was because I was incredibly late. I had been counting on her being just as late as I was. I wasn't expecting her to be standing _right_ _fucking there_ in front of me.

_Why did she have to be punctual today_?

She'd gotten a good look before I'd managed to move away. Her gaze had held me in place, especially when she'd looked me up and down. Even now, I could still feel the weight of her stare.

A part of me had been fucking mortified. But the pathetic part of me had really liked that she was checking me out, even though I wasn't sure _why_.

It didn't mean anything. Hell, if she'd been the one stepping out in a towel, I'd have done the same damn thing.

But there was a voice in the back of my mind telling me if our roles had been reversed, it would have been a totally different situation.

I shook my head, trying to rid that thought from my mind. I needed to get ready, and quickly.

Discarding the towel, I went towards the wardrobe, trying to find something suitable to wear. I sifted through the shirts and other various tops, each being as unsuitable as the last, until I came across a blue button down shirt. I rarely wore it; shit was too preppy for my liking.

_Fuck it_.

_This will have to do,_ I thought as I threw it down on the bed and went towards the chest of drawers to get out a pair of dark pants. I nearly pulled them on commando, but stopped halfway, knowing that as the night progressed, it was just going to get fucking uncomfortable.

After finally sorting out my clothes, I ran another towel through my hair, trying to dry it as best I could. There was only one occasion where I ever used a hairdryer, and even then I hadn't done it right. Apparently I had been going about it all the wrong way and Maria ended up taking the thing off me and doing it herself.

The memory came on so quickly that it took me by surprise. All thoughts of Alice escaped my mind as I sat down heavily on the bed. It dawned on me then I wasn't going to see her face again this year.

I nearly laughed at the thought; I wasn't going to see her face again next year, either. But to know I wasn't going to at least dream about her one last time this year sent a melancholy feeling travelling through me.

_Damn_. I needed to see a picture of her. Just one picture and I'd be okay again.

Scrambling forward, I pulled open the closet and dragged out my suitcase. Opening the lid, I pushed aside the random shit before I found the metal container and large photo frame sitting beneath it. I hadn't looked at the two items, let alone opened the container since placing my suitcase there when I arrived in Forks. I'd been trying to best to just forget about them.

I drew in a deep breath and took hold of the photo frame. I tried not to even look at the container as I retrieved it. I placed the lid of the suitcase back on top straight away, not wanting to look at anything else inside.

As I turned the frame over, I couldn't help smiling, even though the memory of that day hit me like a ton of bricks. Maria had wanted a perfect picture of the four of us. We'd been at the park – a whole group of us – and everyone had been taking pictures and messing around.

We were supposed to sit in a line and smile at the camera – that was what Maria wanted. But before she could sit, I'd grabbed her, pulling her onto my lap. She'd tried to swat my hands away, but I'd kept a strong grip around her waist, and didn't let her go. She knew that, and resigned, telling them to take the photo.

But as they did so, someone fucking photo bombed us. It had been hilarious, and Peter and Charlotte had been unable to stop laughing for at least ten minutes straight after it happened. Maria hadn't been amused, but I'd leant closer and whispered into her ear that we were about to get our perfect picture.

How I'd known that, I didn't have a fucking clue. But at that exact moment, the photo had been taken. So there we had it, the moment captured in our perfect picture.

I stared at it now, taking in the look of pure hysterics on Peter and Charlotte's faces. Then slowly, I allowed my eyes travel to the right where Maria was watching them, a tiny, amused smile on her face. I was the only one looking at the camera; I guess no one else knew it was being taken.

Shaking my head quickly, I brought myself back to the present. I knew now wasn't the time to dwell on the memories, so I stood up and put the suitcase back in my closet. Then turning back to the photo, I opened my top drawer and placed it inside.

Nodding objectively, I knew I wasn't going to think about Maria again for the rest of the evening. Tonight was going to be about my friends here, in Forks, and spending the eve of the New Year with them.

I was just opening my door when I got the sudden idea of using some, _shit_, what was it called? _Perfume_? _Aftershave_? I barely wore that stuff, and was certain the bottle would still be nearly full. It had once been a gift, I think, though I couldn't remember who from.

Squirting some of it into the air, I walked around, feeling like a complete idiot. _Fuck this shit,_ I finally thought as I placed the bottle back down into its hiding place. Why was I trying to make such an effort?

Ignoring my inner question, I put on the wrist strap Alice bought and then finally made my way back out into the corridor. I went downstairs, actually feeling a little apprehensive about seeing Alice after our little _incident_. Yet when I walked into the main room, I found it empty.

I frowned. Where the hell was she? I went into the kitchen, and found my father sitting alone with his laptop.

"Do you know where Alice is?" I asked him, scratching at my head as I spoke.

He looked up from his screen. "I think Emily took her upstairs."

"Yeah," I said, quieter now. "I _know_."

It wasn't as if I was going to forget what happened earlier. I made my way back upstairs hoping Alice was up here with Emily and hadn't done a bunk. My hands were hot and clammy as I reached for the door to Emily's room. If she wasn't in here, I was fucked.

But when I opened the door, there she was…a quiet sigh of relief escaped me. She hadn't gone, and I felt stupid for even thinking that she'd left. _It isn't even that bad, right?_ All she did was see me in a towel – that was nothing.

_Nothing_.

They both looked up as I came in – Emily beamed at me then faced forward once again. It was then I looked at Alice. She gave me a tentative smile before continuing to mess about with Emily's hair. I wasn't sure what she was doing, and in all honesty, I wasn't really paying attention to her hands.

I hadn't properly looked at what she was wearing earlier. I'd been too caught in the moment to pay attention to anything else. I allowed my gaze to travel over the leggings and up over the dress she had on top.

Her hair reached her shoulders now; she hadn't cut it in a while. It looked different than usual, though, she'd curled it. As she moved, I noticed how the light made it look soft, silky, and all of a sudden, I had an urge to run my fingers through it.

I pushed my hands deep into my pockets.

Since Christmas, something had changed between us again. It was a strange sensation. We'd spent two months barely coming close enough to touch. But the moment she'd hugged me on Christmas Day, a switch had been flipped. I couldn't explain it, and it was kind of terrifying that I could feel the same draw I had months before. The pull I'd fought so hard to ignore.

The only thing was…this time it was stronger. I wanted to be close to her, I wanted to hold her hand and embrace her, and right now, I couldn't seem to take my eyes off her. Maybe that was a result of what happened earlier, but whatever it was, it felt as if it were here to stay.

After about five minutes, she finally finished. We were late already, and I wanted to go. But seeing how much Emily was enjoying the moment, I didn't hurry them along.

"Ready?" Alice asked as she stood up. I nodded quickly, and then when she wasn't looking, I allowed my eyes to properly drink her in.

She looked_…amazing_.

"You look great," I blurted out as she walked past. I felt like a complete idiot, but when she stopped and smiled up at me, I was glad I'd said it.

"So do you," she said, quickly looking me up and down and suddenly it reminded me of what had happened earlier.

"You smell nice, too," she went on, leaning a little closer to me. _Crap_, I could smell _her_ perfume now. "What one are you wearing?"

I blinked and leant away from her. "Um…I don't know?"

She laughed then shook her head at me before walking towards the stairs. I said a quick goodbye to Emily before following after Alice. There was a slight smile forming on my face as I made my way downstairs, and when she turned back to me, I was unable to wipe it away.

* * *

It was pretty cold outside; I kept glancing at Alice every now and again, wondering if she was cold. I kicked myself for not bringing a jacket, knowing I could have offered it to her.

We were relatively quiet as we walked. Strangely I had the Oakland forms on my mind. I was trying to think of ways to tell her. She had been the one to give them to me, to ask me to go with her, yet I was still slightly cautious of her reaction.

"Alice," I began, breaking our silence. "I sent the forms off."

She stopped walking and stared at me. "What?"

I took a deep breath, though I got the impression she already knew what I was referring to. "The application forms to Oakland, I sent them off two days ago."

Her eyes widened as a smile formed on her face. "Really? You really sent them off?"

She came forward and hugged me fiercely.

The choice hadn't been a hard one, I'd asked my father for advice – something my mother had been happy about, and together we had chosen an advanced business course. It was similar to something my father had done himself, and a part of me thought it was strange to follow his footsteps, whereas the other part felt…comfortable with it.

When we pulled away from each other, I nearly chuckled at the sight of two tears slipping down her cheeks.

"What are you crying for?" I asked as I used my thumb to wipe them away.

"I don't know," she said with a laugh. "I'm just happy."

I placed my thumb and forefinger under her chin and tilted her head up so that I could see her properly.

"Don't cry," I said softly. "I hate it when I see a pretty girl crying."

Where the fuck did that come from?

_What's got into you, Jasper, you're acting like you're well and truly whipped_.

She looked at me, her obvious surprise shining in her eyes. I quickly bit my lip and removed my hand from below her chin, taking her hand instead.

I could tell she wasn't expecting it. In all honesty, I hadn't expected it, either. Everything was changing around me; it was too quick and it felt as if we were teetering at the top of a rollercoaster, right on the edge.

The fall that was to come would be immense, but I was doing nothing to stop it. I was instigating it.

"Come on, we should keep walking," I told her, preventing her from saying anything in response.

We fell into silence once again we walked, but this time we were hand in hand. I wasn't sure if I was making her uncomfortable; I was still trying to come to terms with how it was making me feel to actually assess her reaction, too.

It was only when we got to Edward's house did I really see. She pulled her hand from mine just as I knocked on the door, and questions raced through me.

Did she not want Edward to see us holding hands? Did it make her uncomfortable after all? But most of all I wanted to know why it seemed to hurt so much.

I pushed the questions away, knowing that I couldn't dwell on them. The thoughts would fuck me over well and truly if they took up residence in my mind, so I did my best to ignore them, and followed Edward as he led us into the same room as last time we were all there.

I wasn't surprised to find Bella, Emmett and Rosalie already there. We were late, so of course they'd be here. After taking one look at Emmett, I knew he'd been drinking.

"Where did the alcohol come from?" I asked Edward as he came to join us.

He smiled, glancing at Emmett briefly. "My dad said that he'd rather buy me enough for us tonight, and know we're getting drunk here instead of some random house. Plus they're at their own New Years Eve party, and he really doesn't want to get a call saying he needs to come pick me up, you know?"

I watched as a big ass grin spread across Emmett's face. "In other words, Edward's dad is a fucking legend."

We all laughed in response before Edward turned back to me and Alice.

"What drink would you like? Emmett and I are drinking the beer and Rosalie and Bella are drinking the more girly shit my dad got."

Alice chuckled. "I'll have some of this girly shit you're on about."

Edward nodded then looked at me. I paused, not really wanting a drink at all. But I asked for a beer and went on to swirl it around the bottle as we sat down with them.

After a while, Edward signalled for us to all go upstairs into the game room where he set up a game console he'd gotten for Christmas. At a quick glance of the box, I saw it was a Wii. Emmett and Edward were the first to play; it was some kind of running game. They had to move the white controller as fast as they could – the faster they went, the faster the little animated character would run.

It looked like a fun game, but a tiring one. Emmett was the one to win, which he bragged about, but afterwards both he and Edward rubbed at their wrists, passing the controllers onto Bella and Rosalie.

They both laughed and squealed their way through their round. It was rather comical, and by the end of it, they were both pretty competitive. When Bella won, she jumped up and cheered before giving Edward a high-five.

Then they gave the controllers to me and Alice. I took it in my hand and glanced at Alice, she smirked at me, as if she knew something I didn't. Then suddenly she was shaking the controller, and I quickly realised she was distracting me, just so she would get a head start.

_Oh, that cheating little_…and a moment later I joined in. I didn't look at the television screen, and nor did she. Instead, we stared at each other, grinning a little too widely. I could tell she was tiring when a crease formed on her brow.

"Not gonna lie," Emmett said from across the room. "But this totally looks like they are jerking off to each other."

The moment his words sunk in the controller fell from my hand, clattering to the floor. My head whipped around in his direction and I was certain my expression was that of a deer caught in the headlights.

Why, _why_ did he have to come out with shit like that?

_Fucking McCartys_.

Bella looked around awkwardly at the same time someone threw a cushion at Emmett's head. Alice's exclamation of joy damn near made me jump out of my skin, and when I looked at the screen, I saw she had won.

"Why did you drop the controller?" she asked, still grinning at the fact she'd beaten me.

My eyes widened slightly and I began to wonder if she hadn't heard Emmett's comment. _God, please say she hadn't heard him_.

"Just letting you win," I muttered, hoping to absolutely fucking anything Emmett didn't blurt something out.

"You idiot," she said, rolling her eyes. "I was going to win, anyway."

She winked, adding to the fact she was teasing me. She then bent down and reached for my controller, placing her hand on my knee to brace her from falling off the chair.

I swallowed heavily, glancing around the room to see that everyone else was looking at us. Her hand felt hot against my leg, and I had the urge to yank my leg out from underneath her hand. But I didn't, and when she pulled it away, I let out a quick sigh. She got up then and gave the controllers to Rosalie and Edward. She seemed perfectly at ease, and I don't think she even realised there was a tension that now filled the room.

Or maybe I was the only one who noticed it.

Once Alice sat down next to me again, the games continued. There were other sport related ones, and I joined in with them a few of them. I used the excuse of getting us all some more drinks to get out of one of the games similar to the first because frankly, after what Emmett had said, I was really put off playing those.

Luckily, Rosalie decided to put on a dancing game; she must have bought that herself, I couldn't see Edward buying it at all. I gracefully sat out, telling them I wasn't going to dance in front of anyone. Edward joined me a second later, saying he wasn't about to do any dance moves, either.

Emmett wanted to join us on the couch, but Alice, Bella and Rosalie all pretty much dived on him, giving him the fourth controller. He complained, but once the game started, it looked as if he was actually enjoying himself. _Typical Emmett_, I thought as I watched him. He was game for just about anything.

It wasn't even dancing, really, it was more wiggling and jumping than anything, and from mine and Edward's perspective, it was quite funny to see Emmett trying to keep up with the girls.

But it wasn't Emmett I watched, it was Alice. I couldn't keep my eyes off her. She looked as if she knew exactly what she was doing, and having fun whilst putting everyone else to shame. It was probably because she was so tiny; she could keep up with the moves on the screen while the others seemed to struggle.

Time seemed to pass by quickly as I watched her; I didn't realise it was nearly midnight until Rosalie gasped and announced it. I found myself grimacing and trying to sink back into the couch. I knew what happened at midnight; I knew the tradition, and being at a party with two happy couples was _not_ my idea of fun.

They all got up and made their way out the room a moment later. Alice took a little longer than the others, but soon she had disappeared. It surprised me when they didn't wait for me, but I didn't dwell on it at all. I was kind of glad, actually. In that moment, I knew I'd rather welcome in the New Year alone, than sit a room with the happy couples feeling _lonely_.

_God, when did I turn into such an unsociable fucker_?

Then I thought about Alice, and how she would be just as lonely. At the same moment she looked around the doorframe, her eyes landing on me.

"Why are you still in here?" she asked softly, confused, as she stepped forward into the room.

I shrugged my shoulders. "I was just thinking about something, that's all."

She frowned but didn't question what I had been thinking about. Instead, she came to stand in front of me.

"Come on," she said, holding her hand out to me. "It's nearly midnight."

I stared at her hand for a short moment. At the start of the night, I'd taken her hand and before anyone else could see, she'd pulled it away. But now, here she was, offering it to me, and I was going to take it without even stopping to think about what I was doing.

My hand slipped into hers, and she closed her fingers around mine. Her hand was so small, and so soft, and I tried my best not to think about it. As she led me out of the room, I wanted to pull back, turn her around and tell her to stay with me in the room, to welcome in the New Year on our own.

But I didn't…my voice had caught, and when we got downstairs and back with the others, none of them even realised we were holding hands. Edward and Bella were standing together, already kissing. I looked away from them, grimacing, and glanced at Emmett and Rosalie. They were standing together, as well, but counting down the seconds until midnight.

I looked away from them, too.

_Five_.

Alice's hand fell from mine and I slumped down on the couch, trying to work out where this sudden melancholy feeling was coming from.

_Four_.

_Three_.

I closed my eyes, bowing my head, wanting the next minute to pass as quickly as possible.

_Two_.

The couch dipped. _Alice_.

"One," she whispered, before she slowly turned my head with the palm of her hand. My eyes flickered open, at the same moment her face slid out of focus and her lips grazed mine.

I felt fire course through my body, just from the briefest of touches. She pulled back, and after everything that happened between us, my initial reaction was to jerk away from her just from the shock of it.

But in the back of my mind, a voice said _don't let this be it_, and suddenly I wanted this, I wanted her, and the moment my hand sank into her soft hair, I was completely lost.

She didn't pull back when I brushed my lips against hers, nor did she push me away when I started to kiss her. The movement was a sudden, urgent, almost hungry thing that I couldn't really control.

My thoughts from earlier, the confusion I'd felt, it all came down to this. It all came down to this one kiss, and the way she was kissing me back. I wanted to reach out and pull her into my lap; I wanted to fall deeper into the embrace.

_But not now_, I thought, _not like this_.

In the back of my mind I knew in a few seconds this was going to be over. In a few seconds, she was going to pull away from me. So I savoured it, every last sensation, and when she finally pulled away from me, I leaned into her, trying to prolong it for as long as I could.

"Happy New Year, Jasper," she whispered, breathless.

I stared at her, my lips parted slightly as my breathing came in quick pants. My eyes felt heavy lidded, my heart was hammering.

She broke our gaze first, looking over to our friends, who I'd all but forgotten were even there. Both couples were still glued together, not one of them knew what had passed between us.

Not one of them knew, not even Alice, that deep within my heart, something had changed. It was just one kiss, and it had changed everything.

_Fuck_.

I could feel it already. This was it, the fall I'd been anticipating.

_But when was I going to reach the bottom?_

* * *

**A/N****: So, let me know what you thought. Bet you weren't expecting that to go down a couple of chapters ago!**

**Three words that killed me this chapter: 'discarding the towel'. Ah, the visuals.**

**Teasers go out to all reviewers.**

**In other news, I'm currently writing something for the Fandom Against Famine compilation. It's an alternate take from my story Built on a Lie – any Jasper/Angela fans out there? I'm sure you all have an idea of how these fandom compilations work – it's a great cause. There's a link to their blog on my profile.**


	62. Chapter 61

**A/N****: Chapter 61!**

**Yes, it's Jasper POV again – like I said to those in the review replies, I wouldn't have gotten anything coherent out of Alice. She's coming up in chapter 63. We've got a guest POV coming up in the next chapter. Anyone want to guess who?**

**Thank you to koko23cat for pre-reading.**

**Disclaimer****: I don't own Twilight.**

* * *

**Chapter 61 - Stay With Me**

**1****st**** January 2010**

**Jasper POV**

The laughter from the other room met my ears once again. What were they laughing about? I didn't know, and I was in too much of a fucking daze to get up and find out. It was just after two in the morning, and Alice, Bella, Edward and Rosalie had been in the kitchen for well over an hour, laughing and talking about God knows what.

I think they'd forgotten I was here, and frankly, I wasn't all that fussed they had. In my current state of mind, I doubted any real coherent response would pass my lips. That would actually have required me to pay attention to something that wasn't Alice, or the way she'd kissed me earlier.

_Yes_, that kiss was still on my mind, and I was certain it would be there for a very long time. I couldn't get her off my mind, even two hours after it had happened, it was still there.

After she'd kissed me, everyone had broken apart and done something else, Alice included. I'd just sat here, in the same fucking spot as if I was incapable of doing anything else. I couldn't comprehend how she'd been able to get up, interact with our friends as if nothing happened.

I'd barely been able to open my mouth and speak to them.

To distract myself, my gaze travelled across the room to Emmett, who was sprawled over the couch, fast asleep. For some reason, his shirt was open, probably torn knowing the drunken idiocy he had been displaying earlier. He was flashing his chest to the world. Or just to me, as the case may be. There was an empty beer bottle next to him, and I wondered just how many he'd downed tonight.

The beer Edward had given me earlier was still sitting in my hand, disgustingly warm and only half empty.

Alice had been warm, too, but a nice warm. A warm I could get used to. _I wish she hadn't pulled away from me_.

_Snap the fuck out of it, Jasper_. I shook my head quickly. I wanted to ask where those thoughts were coming from all of a sudden. But I _knew_ where, I _knew_ why.

With just one kiss, she'd destroyed everything I thought I knew. Everything going on inside my mind was completely shot to pieces. With just one kiss, I was rethinking how I truly felt about her.

Letting out a deep sigh, I ran my hand over my face. This was a fucking mess.

I looked towards the door when I heard more laughter coming from the other room. I then glanced at my beer, swirled the flat-tasting liquid around the bottle. I wanted to find out what they were laughing about, I wanted to get involved and show them that I wasn't the wallflower who didn't mix with people at a party. If I took my beer, I could use that as an excuse.

I'd tell them I was asleep, like Emmett was now and not just sitting here as if I really was a miserable, antisocial bastard. They'd believe me, why wouldn't they? None of them had been down here to check on either of us.

That's when I heard footsteps getting closer and closer to the room.

_Shit_, I'd talked too soon.

I kept my gaze on the door, waiting for the person to come in. The steps were too light for it to be Edward, I knew that much, so it could only have been one of three people.

_Alice_.

She beamed at me when our eyes met, and in the back of my mind I thought _I'm screwed_, as I smiled back. As soon as she was in the room, I didn't want to look away from her. She came forward and slid into the seat next to me. There was a smile on her face; it was silly and a little _too_ happy. It definitely wasn't one she usually wore.

"Alice, you're drunk," I said, shaking my head in slight amusement. She'd obviously been drinking more since I'd last seen her.

She brought her finger to her lips, giggling as she shushed me. "Don't tell Emmett…I drank his _beer_."

"You did?" I asked, feigning a shocked expression.

Her eyes widened and she nodded quickly. In that moment, she looked so innocent, so _cute_, and I wanted to pull her closer and hold her tight.

I forced my gaze away from her, making myself look at the beer bottle instead. But even when I wasn't looking at her, I still knew she was looking at me. I could feel it drawing me back in.

She shifted closer. "What's wrong, Jasper?"

I nearly smiled. Even when she was drunk she still knew something was wrong with me. I looked at her again, seeing the way her brow pulled together, and noticing the earnest look in her grey eyes.

_You've forgotten, haven't you?_

She didn't break our gaze.

_You've forgotten that you kissed me_.

"Nothing's wrong, Alice," I told her softly, trying to hide my genuine disappointment. Of course she'd forgotten. She wouldn't be acting this way if she could remember. "I'm fine."

"You don't look fine," she whispered. She gnawed at her bottom lip for a second or two. "You look sad."

I forced a smile onto my face. "I'm not sad. I'm just tired, that's all."

She still didn't look completely convinced, so I reached out and lightly nudged her cheek with my finger. It was a playful gesture, and I would never fucking know why I did it.

But it seemed to work as she settled back, bringing her legs up onto the couch. It was silent for a long moment, and I tried to remind myself not to sit, drinking in the sight of her before me.

My eyes lingered on her hair for a long while, and when she curled a strand around her little finger, I wanted to pull her hand away and replace it with mine. I bit my lip after that thought, forcing myself to look away from her.

But a moment later, I turned back.

A minute later she let out a quick, random giggle. I couldn't help but smile. When she was drunk, she seemed like a completely different person. She was happier, carefree.

_Forgetful_.

"What's so funny?"

She looked at me, before glancing at Emmett. "He takes any chance he can get to show off his body, doesn't he?"

My gaze momentarily flickered to Emmett and his ridiculously toned body. "Yeah, fucking show off."

I felt a quick poke to my chest, and I jolted, wondering what the hell Alice was doing. Did she _poke_ me?

"Aw, Jas," she whispered, leaning closer with a mischievous look in her eye. "You have a good body, too."

My mouth opened slightly and I stared at her. How the fuck did I reply to something like that? My thoughts raced too fast for me to keep up with them.

She might not have remembered the kiss, but she certainly remembered what happened – what she _saw_ – back at the house. I felt a flush creeping its way onto my face at the mere thought of it. She could remember. She thought I had a good body.

Alice had been checking me out.

Another giggle escaped her, and without any indication, she suddenly flipped herself over and fell into my lap, her head resting in the dip between my legs. My breath hitched in my throat, and I couldn't do anything coherent for a full minute as she watched me, watching her.

_Yes_, I thought slowly, a drunken Alice really was completely different. If she'd been sober, she would never have lay down in my _fucking lap_, and she certainly wouldn't have been staring up at me like she was.

When I looked away from her eyes, I saw a strand of hair just across her cheek. I brushed my finger along her cheekbone, tucking the strand behind her ear without thinking.

My finger lingered against the side of her face, and I silently hoped I wasn't making her uncomfortable because I didn't want to move my hand.

"You said I was pretty," she whispered, her voice full of wonder and an undercurrent of gentleness that even I hadn't heard from her before. A tiny smile tugged at the corner of my mouth as my finger twitched, stroking her cheek.

"I did, didn't I?" I whispered back, feeling breathless all of a sudden.

She closed her eyes then and a sigh escaped her. I moved my hand so I could cup her cheek with the palm of my hand. My thumb trailed a path across her cheekbone a couple of times, before slowly she leant into my touch with a tender smile gracing her lips.

My heart constricted as I stared at her. I wanted to capture that moment, store every single perfect detail in my mind. I never wanted to forget what this looked like. I never wanted to forget the way her eyelids fluttered, or the way her chest rose and fell with each breath she took.

I wasn't sure how long it took me to realise she'd fallen asleep. I'd been so focused on her face that I hadn't noticed her hands going slack until a while later.

That was how we remained, Alice fast asleep in my lap whilst I sat watching her, my heart giving itself to her a little bit more. Sometimes my hand remained cupping her cheek, other times my thumb gently brushed across her skin, and once, being long past reason, I trailed it across her parted lips.

In that moment, I'd tried to stop myself from wishing it was my lips grazing hers and not my thumb. It would be tender, the kiss I'd give her, but the effect of it would still wake her from her slumber. Maybe she'd kiss me back without thinking, even if she was half asleep.

Closing my eyes, I pictured it in my mind, and as my finger reached out, skimming her hair, I smiled.

It was the sound of two people whispering that made my eyes shoot open once again. I nearly had a heart attack when I spotted Edward and Rosalie watching me from the doorway.

The look on their faces told me they hadn't meant for me to hear them. The three of us remained in the same position until Rosalie's eyes drifted to Alice. That's when I remembered why they hadn't wanted to disturb me in the first place.

My hand shot up and away from Alice's face. Not knowing what to do it, I put it at my side, nearly sitting on it as I waited for one of them to say something. It was awkward, and for the life of me, I wished they would turn away, or have just stayed in the kitchen, like they had for the last few hours.

_What were they thinking_? What was going through their minds when they found me sitting here with Alice lying in my lap, fast asleep? Were they shocked? What did they think to see me sitting here, stroking her fucking cheek?

I had to move because they sure as hell weren't.

I shifted gently, not wanting to jostle her, but knowing I was still going to wake her up. When her eyes opened slowly, she looked confused, disoriented. I gave her a quick smile and lifted her head off my lap so that I could get up.

When she placed her head onto the cushion I'd just vacated, she closed her eyes straight away. Some hair fell into her eyes, and I reached forward to brush it away, like I had earlier, but I caught myself at the last minute.

_Get away from her, Jasper_. Rosalie and Edward, they were still fucking watching me.

Neither of them said anything as I stood up and walked towards them. They must have sensed I needed to get out the room, as they parted ways and let me past in silence.

Needing some fresh air and to clear my head, I went towards the kitchen first, grabbing another bottle of beer. My throat was dry, and it was the first thing I saw as I walked inside.

Luckily, the back door was open, and after pulling the cap off the beer, I made my way outside. The cold night air was refreshing against my hot skin, and I breathed in deeply, filling my lungs with it.

_What a start to the New Year_. It was barely even the first day, and so much within me had changed already. A New Year, a new start and a whole barrelful of new feelings I felt towards Alice.

_Or _were_ they new_?

I perched on the wall surrounding the patio, looking out across the dark garden. I drank a few mouthfuls of the cold liquid to cool myself down.

For a minute, I tried to make out the swing I'd sat on back in August when Henry had first planted the idea of me and Alice. It felt like such a long time ago and now look where I was, back at the same house, going through something so very similar.

What was it with Edward's house and coming to terms with your feelings for someone?

I heard someone coming up behind me – no, there were two sets of steps. I looked back over my shoulder to see Edward and Emmett making their way over to me. When they did, they sat either side of me on the wall.

"Who woke up sleeping beauty over there?" I asked, looking at Emmett who looked a little worse for wear.

He chuckled. "Rosalie just got me up. I feel like I've been riding on a rollercoaster for like an hour straight. My head is all over the place."

_Me too, Emmett. Me too_.

There was a soft snort from my right, and I looked at Edward who muttered, "What do you expect? You nearly cleaned this place out earlier."

From the corner of my eye I saw Emmett nod in agreement, but apart from that, neither of them said another word for a long while. I knew they'd come out here for a reason, though, so I just sat and waited for one of them to broach the topic. It didn't take long.

"What's up, Jas?" Edward finally asked.

I met his concerned gaze and I held it for a moment before slowly I looked away and back out across the garden. Did I tell them? Did I tell them what was on my mind? Or did I lie and say nothing was wrong, like I usually did?

Taking a deep breath, I knew this time I was going to tell them. I needed someone to help me make sense of this shit.

"Alice kissed me at midnight," I admitted quietly, making sure to keep my gaze ahead of me so I didn't see their reactions. Their silence said enough as it was.

Then finally Emmett said, "Does this mean you two will be together?"

My brow furrowed at the question. All we did was kiss… "No, it doesn't mean we're going to be together."

"But do you _want_ to be with her?" Edward went on to ask.

I nearly swore at him. Typical fucking Edward to ask a question I wasn't sure how to answer. We all went silent yet again, and I could practically feel the anticipation oozing from the two of them.

But I didn't respond, not right away. I really thought about it first. _Did_ I want to be with her? I could remember when I'd been asked a similar question in August. Even then I hadn't been certain of the answer, but in the end it had been 'no'. But now? Now I wasn't so sure that was going to be the answer this time.

"Fuck, I don't know…maybe?" I sighed roughly, my fingers running through my hair. "This has changed everything. I don't know what to think anymore."

I felt Emmett put his hand on my shoulder in a comforting manner as I took a deep draught of my beer. It did nothing to calm me down, but in a way I still felt better. They were both here for me. They were my best friends, I knew that, and I was glad I'd told them.

"What time is it?"

Edward looked at his watch, telling me it was just after three thirty. _What_? Where had the time gone?

"Time runs away from you when you're with her, doesn't it?" he said softly. My eyes must have told him exactly what I was thinking.

I grimaced, knowing this was really happening. My rested my eyes as I bent forward. I tried to work out what would happen next. Would they suggest I talked to Alice? Or would they tell me to do what I thought best, and leave it at that? The only problem was I didn't _know_ what was for the best.

Someone called our names. We simultaneously turned to look at Rosalie who was standing in the doorway of the house. After wrapping her jacket around her tighter, she came out to us.

"What should we do about Alice?" she asked, and with just the mention of Alice's name, I felt something twinge within my heart. "She's pretty much passed out in there, and we've tried to get her to wake up, but she keeps pulling away and falling asleep again. I don't think she's going to make it upstairs on her own."

I took my beer, quickly downed the rest and swung my legs over the side of the wall. Emmett and Edward did the same, and soon enough we were all following Rosalie back inside.

When we got back into the main room, my eyes landed on Alice straight away. Bella was on the couch beside her, trying to get her up.

"We can't leave her like this," Bella said, staring worriedly at her best friend. "She'll wake up with the mother of all body aches tomorrow morning."

"You're right," Edward said, looking from me to Emmett. "The rooms are all ready upstairs, so all we need to do it get her up there and into bed."

I knew what he wanted – one of us to carry her upstairs. Edward was too weedy to get her all the way upstairs, especially if she struggled, and Emmett was still hammered.

_Bullshit, you're just trying to justify why you should do it yourself_.

_Bite me_.

"I'll take her," I said, not taking my eyes from her sleeping form. Bella moved out of the way, and after that, Alice was the only thing I focused on. I bent down and gently placed my hands underneath her. It barely took anything to shift her over into my arms, and within seconds I was up and cradling her against my chest.

She snuggled closer, resting her head against me, and the tension I'd felt earlier began to ease as I stared at her. In the back of my mind, I heard Edward telling everyone to leave the room, but I paid little attention to it.

Shortly afterwards, he cleared his throat, getting my attention. I looked at him, and sure enough, he was the only one standing there. He smiled at me weakly then looked at Alice.

"Take her to one of the spare rooms," he said, still looking at Alice. "It doesn't matter which one."

I nodded, and so not to wake her, I walked slowly. But in the back of my mind, I knew I was walking slowly because I liked this; I liked having her in my arms, and I didn't want to let her go.

But once I was upstairs, I looked towards the nearest open door and went towards it. I immediately knew it was a spare room, just from the look of it. She shifted into a more comfortable position when I settled her onto the bed.

I thought about leaving her like that. But she still had her shoes on, and I knew I had to put her underneath the covers. It wasn't cold in the room, but it wasn't exactly warm enough either.

After a moment of deliberation, I sat down at the end of the bed and slipped off her shoes, my hands lingering around her tiny ankles. I scolded myself when I realised what I was doing.

_Just sort the fucking covers and get out of there_.

I bent forward and shook her shoulders gently. I knew I could have picked her up and done it myself, but what was with all the touching? It was fucking wrong when she was so out of it.

"Alice, you need to get under the covers," I whispered, sighing in relief when she moved over and allowed me to pull the covers back and lay them over her. She snuggled down, and the breath caught in my throat at the sight of her. She looked so peaceful.

I should have left then, I should have let her sleep and gone back downstairs to the others. But I didn't. I was a sucker for her; I needed something more. So I leant down and placed a kiss on her forehead. My lips remained until my mind caught up with my actions and I inwardly slapped some sense into my addled brain.

But when I pulled away – only a few inches from her – my heart leapt into my throat. Her eyes were open and she was staring up at me.

"Go back to sleep," I whispered, standing up straight because the distance between had been too much for me to handle. I went to take a step back so I could leave the room, for if I didn't do it then, I never fucking would.

Then I felt her hand slip into mine.

"Stay with me…"

My heart was hammering once again. _Stay with me_. I was certain those three words were going to be the death of me. I couldn't stay with her, after everything that we'd been through today. I just couldn't.

But I couldn't move away, either; I couldn't say no. _Why _couldn't I say no? If I stayed, it would change things even more than they already had been. She was drunk, half-asleep. What was she going to do in the morning if she found me asleep next to her?

Would she want me there in the morning?

"Please, Jasper, I don't want to be alone," she said, her voice soft, pleading. She even sounded a little scared. Her hand tugged on mine, and I could feel it happening already, my heart and mind giving into her.

_I shouldn't do this_.

"Okay, I'll stay," I told her, swallowing heavily. She let go of my hand as I sat down, pulling my boots off. My mind shot curse after curse at me as I placed them next to her shoes.

_Don't do it_.

I turned around, watching her move over on the bed, making room for me to lie down. It was a single bed; we'd be right up against one another. She pulled the covers back for me, making it all too easy.

_Leave the room_.

In the long run, I knew doing this now was going to mess with my mind. But my heart, it wanted this, it wanted Alice, and when it came down to it, my heart was always going to win.

Knowing I was way beyond reasoning, I moved forward and lay down next to her, my head resting on the pillow only inches from her face. My heart was beating a million miles an hour, and when she moved closer, placing her hand on my chest, I was certain she would feel it.

Her head rested against my arm, and I wanted so badly to lift it up and drape it around her body. But I didn't. I was foolish, but I wasn't _that_ fucking foolish. Instead, I brought my other hand up, tenderly running my thumb and finger along her cheek.

"Sleep now," I whispered, moving my hand to rest across my chest, only just touching hers.

I watched as her eyelids got heavier, and she closed them once again. She would be asleep soon enough, and I was certain, the moment I closed my eyes, I would fall asleep, too.

The comfort, the warmth this created, it was enough. For once, it looked like things were finally working out.

* * *

**A/N****: Teasers go out to reviewers.**

**It's pretty obvious to you all by now, but I changed my username. I ditched the Lonely and stuck with the name I use for Twitter, Twilighted, banners, etc.**


	63. Chapter 62

**A/N: Chapter 62!**

**I say this too many times, but…sorry for the ridiculous wait. Here's a quick recap if you've forgotten what happened in the previous chapters. We've just had New Years Eve, they kissed, and Jasper is finally beginning to properly acknowledge his feelings for Alice. We left off with them falling asleep together.**

**Koko, thank you for all the shit you do for me. Still not ready for TMH to be over.**

**Edit: I'm sorry if you can't read some of the parts in italics. Seems FFnet is having a bit of a mental fit again. I went through and edited it, but I may have missed some...**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.**

* * *

**Chapter 62 - Mixed Signals**

**1st January 2010**

**Edward POV**

I was always surprised at how damn messy the house got whenever we had a party. There were empty bottles dotted around, as well as food and other stuff I hadn't even realised we'd used.

The only problem with having parents out of the house was you had to make sure the place was clean and tidy again before they came home. Sure, they were letting me have everyone stay over, but it was just abusing their generosity to leave the place in a mess.

They were due to come back earlier than I was planning on waking up, so that meant I had to clear up the same night. I sighed, looking around the place for anything I'd missed. Luckily Bella, Rosalie and Emmett were still up, which meant the job was completed quicker than I expected. Jasper was lucky he didn't have to help with the clearing up. Though in all honesty, I was sure he'd made the least amount of mess out of all of us. He'd sat in the same seat for most the night.

I couldn't really blame him, though. How was he supposed to join in when all he could think about was Alice? He'd seemed really distant throughout the night, and hadn't followed us when we disappeared into the kitchen. I hadn't been able to decipher his behaviour, and when I'd asked Alice, she'd skirted around the subject. At the time, I'd put it down to the fact she was drunk, but now it made perfect sense.

She didn't want to talk about the kiss, especially when _they_ hadn't talked about it themselves, and Jasper, well, he'd been in his own little world and Alice was the only one who could pull him out of it.

Wait, where _was_ Jasper?

I looked at my watch and was surprised to see it was at least fifteen minutes since he'd taken Alice upstairs. What was taking so long? At the same moment, Rosalie came back into the room, Emmett following close behind. Bella had excused herself earlier to change into her bed clothes.

"Is Jasper not down yet?" Rosalie asked, taking the question straight from my thoughts. I shook my head and thought of going up to check on them. Perhaps Alice was playing up? Or maybe he wasn't sure whether to leave her on her own. That was my most plausible explanation, especially given the state she was in.

_Yeah_, I thought to myself, I'll go and check on them. If needs be, Bella or Rosalie could always help.

"Maybe he can't find the right room?"

I rolled my eyes at Emmett's clever response. He was still half-cut; I was amazed Rosalie had managed to wake him up earlier – he'd looked dead to the world. He'd seemed alright when we were outside with Jasper. Maybe the cold air had cleared his hazy mind. But being back inside had made things worse again.

_Wait, had he had more to drink?_

"There are five bedrooms upstairs," I told him, trying to keep my tone of voice as neutral as possible. "It's really not that hard to find one of the spare rooms."

Emmett thought it over for a moment. "Maybe he got lost?"

My eyes questioned his intelligence for a moment. Was he serious? Jasper wasn't blind – or stupid, he knew what a bedroom looked like. I had to remind myself not to let Emmett have such a free access to the alcohol next time. It seemed the moment he was on the juice, his brainpower hit the floor.

I let out a sigh when I noticed that Emmett's expression was dead serious. "Fine, I'll go up and look for them, just to make sure Jasper hasn't mistaken the bath for a bed."

My sarcasm didn't go unnoticed by Rosalie, who tried to hide her grin from Emmett. I left them to it and made my way upstairs. I couldn't hear anything, so I assumed Jasper had probably gone to the bathroom. Most the doors were open, anyway, so I went straight to the door that was closed – the spare room – to see if Alice was settled properly. When I opened the door, I stopped mid-step the moment the light shone down on the two figures laying sound asleep on the bed.

I stared at them, not knowing what to make of it. I never expected them to share the bed. I'd made up all three spare beds, thinking Alice and Jasper would be in separate rooms.

Had he decided to get into bed with her?

Barely a second passed before I knew that wasn't the case. Jasper wasn't like that. He'd never just get into bed with her uninvited. Maybe he would if he was drunk, but I'd seen him drink all of three bottles of beer during the whole night. So did that mean Alice had asked him to get in with her?

I frowned; that wasn't like her, either.

I couldn't think of a logical reason as to why they'd squeeze into a single bed. But…maybe I didn't need to find a logical explanation? Maybe this was _normal_ for them? Maybe it was just what they were used to. Hell, none of us knew how far they pushed the friendship boundaries. We all knew they were closer than any of us were to each other, so it was possible.

But even if it _was_ normal, I knew what Jasper was going through. He had feelings for Alice, and from what I gathered, only now was he realising how strong they were.

So this was different. Sleeping in the same bed as the girl you liked was a sure way to torture a guy, and this was only made worse by the fact it was a _single_ bed.

What was going through his mind when he fell asleep? Was he comfortable with it? He sure as hell looked it with his head tilted towards Alice. It was as if he'd fallen asleep looking at her.

A grimace spread across my face as I remembered what happened last August.

As I shut the door behind me, I hoped to God that tomorrow morning, things didn't turn out the way they had last year. It'd taken them over a month to even _talk_to each other again after their argument. But this time was different, it was _worse_ because Alice had kissed him, and he _did_ like her.

"Fuck," I muttered to myself as I ran my hands over my face. This had the potential to end_very_ badly. They'd only just got back to being comfortable with each other. Was this going to break them?

When I made my way back downstairs, Bella and Emmett were sitting on the couch. Emmett was talking to her about something, and I wasn't interested in listening to find out what.

"He found the spare room," I told them, not knowing if Bella even knew what was going on. Emmett seemed to ignore my comment, yet still went silent moments later. None of us talked until Rosalie came back in, dressed ready for bed.

Bella yawned and glanced at the clock. "Are we calling it a night? It's gone four."

"Party pooper," Emmett mumbled, but I could tell he was tired. Pulling myself from the chair, I stretched my arms above my head. They took it as their cue to get up, and soon we were all making our way upstairs.

"Just take one of the spare rooms," I said to Rosalie and Emmett, waving lazily towards the doors to the bedrooms. "There are clean sheets on every bed."

Coincidently, they went straight to the one Alice and Jasper was in. The last thing I wanted was for them to walk in there and wake them up. It was probably going to be awkward enough for them as it was to know I'd seen them, but for everyone to see it, too? I was the only one who could prevent it from happening.

"Not that room." I hurried over the words, but was reluctant to tell them why. However, it seemed my reluctance was unnecessary at Rosalie's response.

"Is Alice in that one?"

I nodded and watched as she went towards the next room. But Emmett being Emmett, he had to ask about Jasper again.

"Where's Jasper sleeping?" He stopped, his brow pulling together. "Hang on, where _is_ he?"

For a brief moment, I looked towards the closed bedroom door. There was no point lying about it; they'd all find out sooner or later anyway.

"He's in there, too."

As I spoke, I noticed how Bella and Rosalie shared a glance. Something told me that somehow, they'd already put the pieces together. Emmett obviously hadn't cottoned on; I was certain he was too tired to think straight. Had he been in his right mind, he'd have already worked out what was going on.

"Are they in the same _bed_?" When he met my eye, he saw the answer straight away. "This isn't good."

For the first time in the last hour, I agreed with what he'd said. This _definitely_ wasn't good.

"What do you mean?" Bella asked, but neither of us answered her. Jasper had told us about the kiss he'd shared with Alice, but I wasn't sure he wanted everyone else to know. Jasper was a very private person. He clearly trusted us enough to explain what happened earlier, so I wasn't going to break that trust by talking about it behind his back, and nor was Emmett.

"He really likes her, doesn't he?" Emmett continued. His expression was worried now. I could tell he was worrying about the exact same thing I was – the consequences that could arise come morning.

My brow furrowed as I tried to think of how to answer him. "He's getting there."

I was expecting Emmett to respond, but Rosalie beat him to it. "Are you serious? You were there earlier; you saw the way he was looking at her. He is _there_ already."

She had a point, but I still shook my head. "He's confused. We've all seen the changes between them, but it's different for them – they're not seeing it the same way we are. I think tonight has totally thrown him."

I didn't get a response, but when I quickly scanned their expressions, I knew they agreed with me.

"Come on, Jasper will hate it if he knows we're talking about him." As I spoke, I thought about the morning Emmett and I had been talking, thinking Jasper was fast asleep. The last thing I wanted was to find out he was awake _now_. "Let's just get some sleep and deal with whatever happens tomorrow, okay?"

They all nodded their consent, and we said goodnight. But as I turned away, something else came to mind.

"Rule of the house: don't have sex, got it?" I told them, half joking, half serious. I honestly wouldn't put it passed Emmett, and the last thing I wanted was to know his bare ass had been on those sheets.

Emmett laughed, but waved his hand in dismissal. "Don't worry. I'll keep it in my pants."

I shook my head in amusement and took that as enough confirmation. They disappeared into the spare room across the hall from Alice and Jasper's room, and only then did I lead Bella into my room just down the hall from them.

"Do you really think something will happen tomorrow morning?" Bella asked anxiously as soon as I shut the door.

I sighed, running my hands through my hair. "I don't know – I _hope_ not. You saw what it was like last year. I don't want that to happen again. Alice was totally out of it tonight and Jasper's near enough sober. He knows exactly what he's doing, maybe Alice doesn't. What if she wakes up tomorrow morning and doesn't remember why Jasper's sleeping next to her? What if she doesn't remember _anything_ from tonight?"

"You're really worried about this, aren't you?" she said as she came to stand in front of me, placing her hand on my cheek.

Closing my eyes, I leaned into her touch. "I just don't want it to be a repeat of last summer - I know they had a big argument. He didn't tell me what happened to him after we left, but I could tell it messed him up, Bella – messed them both up. Now the two of them are back in a vulnerable position. He has reasons to be so confused over his feelings for her – there are things you don't understand about him."

I paused, thinking of Maria. Sure, Alice was in a similar position with Robbie, but Jasper was there first, and it was harder for him because he had Alice's feelings to contend with, too. Somehow, I got the impression Maria wasn't his only problem, but there was no way I could ask him.

Like I said, Jasper was very private about his life, and I didn't want to break the trust he had in me by asking him to tell me his problems. If he wanted to talk about it, then I'd be there.

Luckily Bella didn't ask for me to expand on what I'd just said. While I rarely kept secrets from her, this stuff with Jasper was something I could never properly talk to her about.

From the start Bella had always been wary of Jasper. It was only in the past month had they forged some kind of friendship, but I didn't know how far that stretched, and I certainly didn't know how she felt about Jasper and Alice being more than friends. Somehow, after everything they'd been through, I couldn't see Bella objecting to it anymore, but I couldn't be sure.

I wouldn't let her get in the way of it, though, for everyone's sake.

"I wish we were staying in Forks a little longer. We're going again in three days, and then it's going to be months before any of us are back. I don't feel…_comfortable_ leaving them on their own."

It sounded as if I was talking about children. But I couldn't help worrying. When I'd talked to him back in September, he'd sounded so broken and lost. I'd been more than tempted to come back home just to be there for him. Somehow, I knew I wouldn't have been able to do that, not just because of college, but because of the kind of person Jasper was.

Things were easier over the phone, probably because there was always an easy escape route. If he got tired of talking to me, he could hang up whenever he wanted. But it didn't bother me much; just knowing I'd helped, even if only in a small way, was enough.

It was strange how, at times, even though I knew him the least, I felt closer to him than I did the others. I saw Jasper as a brother, just as I did Emmett, and I wanted everything to work out for him.

Bella's fingers came out to brush along my brow, obviously trying to straighten the frown that resided there.

"For all we know, you're worrying over nothing," she said, trying to soothe my qualms. "Try not to think about it right now. We'll see what it's like tomorrow morning."

I mumbled out an agreement that didn't sound convincing in the slightest. Somehow I knew my worries were grounded. She let out a sigh and took my hand, leading me towards the bed.

"Come on, you need your rest."

Finally I relented and got changed for bed. Jasper and Alice were still on my mind as I crawled under the covers and pulled Bella into my side. As much as I hated to sound so pessimistic, I had a bad feeling something would go wrong come the morning, and there was nothing any of us could do.

* * *

**Jasper POV**

Even before I opened my eyes I knew something was wrong. It didn't feel like my bed, and the clothes I was wearing were uncomfortable. My hand grazed the empty space beside me as I reached up to brush hair from my eyes. The bed felt strangely warm, as if someone had been…

I bolted upright as the events of the previous night finally caught up with me.

_Alice_.

It all rushed back like a wave of nausea. I could recall the way Alice had asked me to stay; how she had been next to me when I'd fallen asleep.

Now, all I could do was stare at the empty space beside me, my heart sinking as I realised that she was…_gone_. My skin began to prickle as a strange feeling crept over me.

Chagrin edged through me as my growing embarrassment rivalled the panic bubbling in my stomach. I could hardly believe it. She'd _left_ me here to wake up alone…left me to figure the mess we'd created yet again. As I sat there staring at her side of the bed, the reality of it was fucking obvious.

She didn't want this. She didn't fucking want this.

My hand flew to my hair as I moved to sit on the edge of the bed. I took another hit when I realised her shoes were missing. _Shit_. She hadn't just left the room, she'd left the house.

Releasing my hair, I stared at my hands, clenching them into fists to stop the shaking. The others would be awake soon, and I had to be gone before they got up. The thought of explaining to them how Alice had taken one look at me and bolted made me sick to my stomach. I could hardly fucking bear to imagine the looks they'd give me.

_I __have __to __get __the __fuck __out __of __here_.

I dived for my boots, snatching them from the floor. The room was spinning as I stood up and went for the door. I'd closed it the night before, but now it was left ajar, and it wasn't hard to work out why. The noise would have woken me up, ruining her plans for a quiet getaway.

The hallway was unnervingly quiet as I made for the stairs. But the silence was suddenly broken by a rumble of laughter coming from behind a closed door. I whirled around at the noise, feeling my heartbeat begin to race.

_Emmett_. He was awake…they would come out of their room soon.

I was silently hurrying down the stairs a second later, my feet barely making a sound as I reached the bottom and crossed to the front door. Luck was on my side for once as I snatched at the keys hanging on the wall and forced them into the lock.

They would hear the door close behind me, but I would be gone before they could work out what happened.

As soon as I was outside I pulled my boots on and started walking. It was a cold morning, and with nothing but this stupid shirt to keep me warm, I was really fucking feeling it. I shoved my hands in my pockets, not once looking back at the house as it slowly disappeared behind me.

All I could think about was Alice. Was she home already? Had she lied about why she was home so early? The bed was still warm when I woke up, which meant she couldn't have been gone long at all. I knew Alice, she wasn't a fast walker. Maybe I'd catch up with her.

I instinctively slowed my pace. I didn't want to see her right now. This whole situation was making me angry at a lot of things, and seeing her face wasn't going to make it better, not this time.

I'd _known_ this was going to happen. The doubts had been _right_ _there_ the moment Alice asked me to stay with her. _Why_ did I stay? Why did I give into her? Why couldn't I have ignored what my heart wanted and gone with what I knew was right?

_You __already __know __the __answer __to __that, __Jasper. __It__'__s __because __it __was __Alice. __You __finally __allowed __yourself __to __grasp __something __that __would __make __you __happy_.

Yeah, because that shit really worked out for me, didn't it?

I found myself slowing down as I reached the point Alice and I would have parted ways. I looked along the turning Alice should have taken, and probably _did_take, not even ten minutes before. It wasn't possible to see Alice's house from where I stood, and it was a good thing I couldn't.

Would I call out her name if I saw her? The honest truth was I probably wouldn't; she'd left because she wanted to get away from me. So why the hell would I attract her attention?

I'd only just started moving away when I heard it.

"Jasper!"

I faltered in my step as I heard Edward's voice, but I didn't stop or look around. I didn't need his shit right now. What the fuck was he doing following me, anyway? Alice was usually the first place to look, the first person to go to, not me.

When he spoke again, his voice was much closer. "What _happened_?"

I gritted my teeth and kept walking. When he called out my name again, I told him to fuck off, loud enough for him to hear. Somehow I knew he wouldn't, and seconds later I could hear his fast approaching steps. I felt him grasp my arm, turning me around to face him.

"I said _fuck __off_!" I spat. I pulled away and shoved him as hard as I could. He stumbled back a couple of steps but didn't fall. I didn't want to fight him, but I half expected him to retaliate. It took me a couple of seconds for me to remember who this was. Fighting wasn't Edward's thing; he wasn't like me. He just stared, his eyes fiery.

"Stop running away, Jasper," he said, forcing calmness back into his voice. "What is that going to achieve? Let me _help __you_."

I stared back. He was worried – he _cared _for me, I could see it in his eyes. I wasn't sure how to process it, given the reason they were there in the first place. He wanted me to talk about it; he wanted me to let him in and help, and of course, he was spot on, just like always. I couldn't keep running away – he knew me better than I thought he did.

The only problem was I had to. I didn't want to let him in, and I certainly didn't want to talk.

"Yeah, well you can just fuck off back to the house because I don't need you or your fucking help," I said through clenched teeth, my tone of voice matching the emotions thundering through me.

It was clear I'd pissed him off even more. The annoyance I'd elicited tampered with the worry and concern until it was an odd mixture of all three. I could tell he was thinking of something else to say to me, but I didn't wait around for his response.

Edward was a good friend, and I didn't want to fall out with him. Given the current state of our emotions, it wouldn't be long before it spiralled into a major argument. I was already pushing him away; if he forced this he'd see what a heartless fucker I could turn into.

Maybe he knew that, because didn't stop me as I quickly turned and walked away.

I had been right all along. I'd fallen, as I expected, and now I'd landed at the bottom, broken, feeling beyond repair. The only thing that held me together was the anger that coursed through me.

A lot of it had multiplied once I'd left the house, but it had slowly begun to simmer the moment I'd realised Alice had gone. I was angry at how things had turned out. I was angry at Alice for leaving, for not waiting to at least hear me out. But most of all I was angry at myself for letting it happen in the first place.

I was angry because I'd gone and done the one thing people had been predicting for months. I'd fallen for Alice and allowed myself to imagine what it would be like to have her...I'd even believed things were working out.

_How __could __you __be __so __fucking __stupid, __Jasper? __Just __look __how __badly __it__'__s __backfired; __all __because __you __were __too __damn __weak __to __do __the __right __thing __when __she __asked __you __to __stay. __This __wouldn__'__t __have __happened __if __you__'__d __slept __in __separate __rooms_.

In the end, that was the simple truth of it. If we'd slept in separate rooms, I wouldn't have woken up and known something was wrong. She wouldn't have run off, most probably assuming something must have happened between us the day before. Or maybe she remembered it all, and freaked out to see me asleep beside her.

If we'd slept in separate rooms, I'd have kept quiet to assess her behaviour around me. I would have come to my own conclusions that she couldn't remember, or maybe just didn't want to acknowledge it ever took place.

The worst that could have happened was to spiral into the distant, brooding persona I'd conformed to so many times before. The sad fact was I'd been that kind of person with each of them, so it wouldn't have made much difference, anyway. Emmett and Edward might have worked out what was wrong, but there was a good chance Alice wouldn't, and that would have allowed me to come to terms with my feelings and everything else in my own time.

But because of my foolish mistake, I'd made it impossible to ignore.

I cussed under my breath, pulling at my hair. What the fuck was I going to do now? How was I even going to face her after this?

Like always, the answers I craved continued to elude me. I hadn't the faintest idea what would happen when we saw each other next because right now, I didn't want to see her face. I had to calm down before I saw her, and before I could even do _that_ I had to release the pent up resentment inside.

I knew it wouldn't be long; I could already feel it buzzing around my chest, forcing its way up my throat like an iron fist. I was reaching breaking point by the time I turned into my street, and it was only as I got to my front door I realised I didn't have my keys.

Cussing loudly yet again, I kicked out and slammed my hands on the door. It rattled on its hinges, and I realised my mistake a second too late as I heard my mother's cautious voice on the other side.

"Who is it?"

I scrunched my eyes shut as I attempted to swallow back my anger to respond to her. The fact I'd scared her enough to not want to open the door helped to do that, but only just.

"Mom…let me in," I managed to grind out.

There was a bustle on the other side of the door, and I heard her turning the key in the lock. A moment later, the door had swung open, and even the pounding of my heart in my ears didn't mask the sound of her gasp.

Whatever she saw on my face…it was bad.

"Jasper? What _happened_?" she asked frantically, her eyes wide and concerned.

I couldn't say it.

It startled her when I pushed the door wide open and stalked inside. Once the door was closed behind me, it was only then I really let it go. Now I was inside, I didn't have to hide from anyone; this was the one place I didn't have to hold it back.

"Who did this?"

My only response was to run my hands through my hair, my nails painfully digging into my scalp.

She tried again, her voice more clipped than before. "Does this have anything to do with Alice? Did something happen between you two again?"

I laughed bitterly as I reached down and yanked off my boots, flinging them across the hall. They clattered loudly off the wall, landing on the floor with a thud. My whole body was shaking when I turned back.

"Of course it's about _Alice_, isn't it _always __about __Alice_?" I hissed, clenching my trembling hands. Something severe flitted across her expression, but I paid little attention to it as she placed her hand on my arm, as if her simple touch could calm me down.

There was only one person who could do that, and it wasn't my fucking mother. However, in that moment, I was certain even Alice's touch would have pissed me off.

"Don't fucking _touch __me_," I spat, wrenching my arm from her grip. Whether it was because she knew she couldn't get through to me, or maybe she was just scared…whatever it was, she didn't touch me again and stood back as I darted upstairs and out of sight.

Things didn't improve once I was in my room. The doorframe shook as I slammed it behind me. My anger seemed to multiply beyond its normal realms – to a level it shouldn't have reached in the current circumstance. But there was nothing I could do to stop it, and my resentment towards the whole situation made things worse.

_Why did she kiss me?_

_Why did I have to react to it?_

_Why did she leave?_

After every internal question, I snatched something from my table and threw it across the room. The chair received the brunt of my frustration next as I knocked it out of my way. Books, pens and papers littered the floor, mingling with strewn items of clothing I'd ripped from my wardrobe.

What finally stopped my outburst was the sight of the photo frame, smashed and broken from where I'd knocked everything to the floor. I could only just about make out mine and Alice's smiling faces beneath the broken shards of glass.

My energy rapidly drained as I slumped to the floor beside it, leaving nothing but a vapid sensation deep within me. My brow creased as I wondered how the hell I was going to sort this mess out.

What was Alice thinking now? What was she doing?

Would she ever remember what happened? What if she already _could_ remember everything? What would happen then? _Would __it __even __mean __anything __to __her_?

Everything was getting all screwed up again, and I didn't know what to do.

With a strangled sob, I knocked my head against my knees. In an attempt to block everything out, I wrapped my arms around myself, wondering why the hell shit kept going wrong for me.

* * *

**A/N: Teasers are available if you leave me some love. There's some Alice POV coming up next.**

***tips hat* I'm outta here…**


	64. Chapter 63

**A/N: Chapter 63!**

**Thank you to my readers, and of course, thank you to koko23cat. Here's the Alice POV you've all been waiting for.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.**

* * *

**Chapter 63 - Mutual Agreement**

**1st January 2010**

**Alice POV**

Something tickled my nose, pulling me from my slumber. When I opened my eyes I found my face was an inch from a dark mass lying beside me. I blinked a couple of times, remaining still as I tried to work out where I was. I wasn't in my bed; I knew that much, at least.

When it tickled my nose once again, I soon realised whatever it was, it was moving. There was something familiar about it, too. It filled my senses, warming me in the already cosy bed. I inhaled deeply, the corners of my mouth curling into a smile as realisation dawned on me. Someone was next to me.

_Jas__…__per_?

I gently sat up, making sure not to jostle him. My head swam a little, and I had to close my eyes for a couple of seconds. It wasn't as bad when I opened them again, which allowed me to focus on the sleeping form beside me.

He was wearing the same clothes as the night before, though I couldn't quite remember the colour of his pants, which were lost beneath the bed sheet. The sleeve of his right arm was twisted as it lay across his chest. I reached out to correct it, only to stop and pull back when I noticed his other arm was right behind me.

I found myself smiling at the thought of him having his arm around me as I burrowed into his side. A part of me wanted to lie down and nestle into the warmth of his body heat, but I didn't move because the other part wanted to see his face.

There was something undeniably peaceful about watching him sleep, seeing his chest rise and fall with every even breath. There was something personal about it, too; nobody else saw him like this, and up until today, I couldn't remember a time when I'd merely sat and absorbed every little detail.

Had that dusting of stubble along his jaw been there yesterday? And was his hair always this messy when he was asleep? It was a jumble of waves and curls upon his head; some had fallen into his eyes, and I had the sudden urge to brush them away. I stopped myself once again, deciding not to risk waking him up.

I had to bite my lip to prevent my smile from growing any wider. Jasper was so…so _adorable_ and beautiful when he was asleep, and it made the warmth grow even stronger because he'd probably swear at me if he heard me using those words to describe him. I could imagine it now. That scowling, _what__the__fuck_ kind of expression he wore. Up until that point, he'd probably never heard anyone calling a nineteen year old boy _adorable_ or beautiful when they were asleep.

But maybe it wouldn't be so bad, when he really did wake up…

It was only then I began to imagine what would happen when he _did_open his eyes and see me beside him. What would he say? What would he do? What would _I_say? I frowned, the smile slipping from my face. _What__would__we__say__to__each__other_?

My hangover slowly began to creep up on me as the minutes passed. I sat up a little straighter, leaning away from Jasper. My thoughts were becoming increasingly hazy, and I rubbed my eyes, hoping it would clear.

In the place where my memories of the previous night should have been, there were just quick flashes of recollection…laughing, and stumbling through a dark hallway alone, looking for someone. I could recall falling asleep on the couch, and then being in bed…and Jasper, he'd been there. But had he carried me up to bed, or had I asked him to join me?

Even then, there was something else missing, something I hadn't thought of. Something that was far bigger than how I'd gotten to this room. It took me a couple of seconds before I realised what I was searching for was right in front of me.

_Jasper_.

I already knew the obvious facts. We'd slept in the same bed; his arm close enough when I'd woken up to know there was a good chance it had once been around my waist, holding me. There was no way this would have happened unless…unless something else had hap-

_Shit._

My breath caught as I looked at Jasper, seeing something totally different to what I'd seen not ten minutes before. Uncertainty replaced the warmth as I stared at him. It wasn't uncertainty for this - _us_; it was uncertainty for what I may or may not have done.

What would he do if he woke up now?

Without a doubt he'd pick up on my uncertainty straight away. He would know I couldn't remember – because I was _certain_ now there _was_ something. What would that knowledge do to him? It would come across as though as I was rejecting him and the look on his face would break my heart.

_I__have__to__get__out__of__here_.

Somehow I managed to extricate myself from the bed sheets and stand up without waking him. My eyes were burning with tears as I tiptoed around the bed and located my shoes sitting neatly beside his. I picked them up and edged towards the door; if I was going to do this, I had to do it quietly. I hated the thought of leaving him, but it was the only way.

I didn't fully close the door; the sound would have woken him up. As soon as I was outside, I glanced towards the stairs, the first means of exit. But the notion of completely deserting him made my stomach churn. It unsettled me so much my head began to pound.

There was no way I could leave the house**.** I stumbled towards the room next door, moving swiftly to slump onto the couch, dropping my shoes beside it. The leather felt cool against my blazing skin, so I leant back and closed my eyes.

With all these thoughts racing through my mind, sleeping was out of the question. Jasper was in the lead, taking up the majority, but there was Robbie, too. Adding them both into this current state of affairs was more of a headache than the hangover itself, and in the end, I had to block out the light because it was making it even worse.

When I was with Robbie, everything had been so…_simple_. We'd known what was coming, known we were going to be together one day. But with Jasper, things were so much harder. Deep down, I knew if we removed Robbie and Maria from the equation, our relationship would be just as simple.

This wouldn't be so hard, but Robbie and Maria had been what brought us together in the first place. Everything we'd become had grown from there. But even that didn't resolve my current dilemma; we were the people we were today because of what happened to us, yet that was really only a small part of it.

Whatever happened last night…that'd been because of _us_, not Robbie, not Maria…me and Jasper, and the way we felt. The only thing stopping me from returning to him and curling up at his side was that I just couldn't remember…

My eyes shot open as my mind caught up with my current thoughts. _The__only__thing__stopping__me__was__that__I__couldn__'__t__remember_…if the events of the previous night hadn't eluded me, I'd still be with him, the happiness would've stayed with me.

Before I knew it, I was smiling again, shaking my head at what a complete and utter fool I was being. What did it matter if I couldn't remember _exactly_what went down between us? I already knew something happened, yet the only thing I'd been worried about was hurting him. I'd barely batted an eyelid at the thought of us being together. I accepted it…

Whatever it was – a kiss…a declaration of our feelings…it didn't matter because we would talk about it, and I would know the moment I looked into his eyes.

There was a sound of laughter from across the hall – I recognised it to be Emmett's. It was almost as if he'd heard my thoughts and was laughing at how blind and stupid I was being. As I pulled myself up from the couch, I wanted to laugh with him.

_God_, I really was ridiculous. This was Jasper, not a complete stranger. I should have stayed beside him; seeing his face would have helped me come to this conclusion sooner than being out here alone. Even now, I was _excited_ to see him again.

I would keep quiet as I entered the room, and if he woke up as I climbed into bed, then it would be _okay_. I'd explain how stupid I was being, and that it didn't matter because I was finally ready to just let this take its natural course.

But the moment I stepped into the hallway, I knew something was wrong. The door to our room was wide open; the opposite of how I'd left it. My stomach dropped as I rushed forward. I tried to latch onto the hope that maybe the door had drifted open by itself, and Jasper was still fast asleep.

Somehow, I already knew he was gone.

Breath gushed out of me as I was greeted by the empty bed. I stumbled closer, my hands trembling as I touched the spot he'd lain in.

_It__'__s__still__warm_.

I pivoted, dashed into the hallway and called his name. My heart was pounding when the only response was that of my friends. Rosalie was the first to emerge from the room opposite, then Edward from across the hall. His face dropped the moment he saw me.

He came towards us, Bella right behind him. "What's going on?"

By that point, I was shaking so much I couldn't even answer him. _How__could__I__even__begin__to__tell__him_? Rosalie, who had been watching me from the moment she came out of her room, suddenly turned to Edward.

"It's Jasper, I think he's gone."

_No_.

_What__have__I__done_?

My heart flipped as I ran to the stairs, trying to ignore the fact the floor was all but spinning below me. Someone was behind, but I didn't turn to see who it was. All I could focus on was Jasper. There was still a slim chance he was downstairs, that he hadn't heard me call. This could've just been a misunderstanding, that's all.

But I knew it wasn't. I was clutching at straws, not wanting to believe the truth that was staring me in the face. Jasper had woken up to an empty bed, and the rejection I'd been trying to prevent had undoubtedly coursed through him, causing him to do the only thing his conscious told him to.

Run.

I'd promised I wouldn't hurt him, but in an attempt to protect him, I'd gone and done the one thing I said I wouldn't. I hurt him…

_I__promised__I__wouldn__'__t__hurt__him_.

_I__promised_…

Tears were streaming down my cheeks as I reached the bottom and went for the front door. Even from the distance I could see the keys were still in the lock. But before I could, I felt a hand wrap around my arm.

"Alice, stop, you haven't got any shoes on," Edward said, holding me back. "You can't go chasing after him like this."

"I don't care," I said weakly, unsuccessfully trying to shrug him off. "I need to go after him, I can't do this to him again…please, Edward, let me…go…"

"I don't think so, not in the state you're in." He moved to block my exit, waiting until I met his gaze. When I did, I knew he was right. I was a mess, crying and shaking, and my head was thumping as though it was about to explode. "It's better if you calm down first. Trust me; things won't turn out the way you want them to if go out there like this. Let me go after him."

I fell back in defeat, crumpling onto the bottom step and curling into myself. I didn't see Edward leave, but I heard the door close behind him. Someone passed by me, while another sat down, attempting to wrap their arm around me. I shrank away from their comfort. I wouldn't deserve it when they found out what I'd done.

"Alice, come on…" It was Bella. "What happened? Did you two have an argument?"

All I could do was shake my head. It was the only response I could offer; anything else was beyond me. Besides, she wasn't the person I had to explain myself to; it was Jasper. I had to tell him how sorry I was, and that I should never have left him. But how was that going to make up for what he must have felt when he saw I was gone?

My chest tightened at the thought. Just thinking about it was unbearable, but actually putting myself in his shoes? I couldn't blame him for running away. Had he been the one to leave, I would have done exactly the same, being too mortified and upset to face anyone.

Guilt swept over me instantly; when I thought about it, I couldn't see Jasper ever doing to me what I'd done to him. Had he not been comfortable with it, he'd never have fallen asleep in the first place, and that angle on things only made me feel worse.

"Here, take these." I looked up to see Rosalie holding out a glass of water in one hand, and two Tylenol in the other. "It'll help with the headache."

I took the medicine gratefully, wincing as I swallowed them. After catching Bella and Rosalie sharing a quick glance, I lowered my head to my knees once again. I tried to block everything out as it went silent around me, the only sound being that of Emmett as he finally joined us downstairs.

Once again, my thoughts drifted back to Jasper. Where was he? Had Edward managed to catch up with him? What if he didn't know the route Jasper took? I couldn't even remember if Edward knew where Jasper lived.

The wait was pure torture; all I wanted to do was run upstairs, grab my shoes and go after them myself. In fact, I was about two seconds from doing just that when the front door opened. We all looked towards the door as Edward stepped in. I held my breath, waiting to see if Jasper was with him.

One look at his face told me my last shred of hope was wasted. My stomach dropped as he shut the door and leant against it. Of course Jasper wasn't going to come back...why would he? It wasn't just me he had to face, it would be everyone else, too, and it wasn't in his nature to confront something so publicly.

"Did you find him?" Emmett asked.

"Yeah, I found him," he replied, glancing at me with a hardened gaze. "Did you say something to him?"

I shrunk back, shaking my head. I'd never seen Edward really angry before, and to be on the receiving end of it made it feel ten times worse.

"Well, something must have happened, or else he'd still be here, wouldn't he?"

I had to look away, my shame multiplying. Jasper hadn't told him, but whatever Edward had seen, he obviously knew I was the one to blame. Edward must have approached me because a second later Emmett was up and standing between us.

"Easy, man, come on," he said, holding his hand out to try and placate Edward.

"No," Edward snapped, ignoring Emmett's attempts to hold him off. "I want to know what the hell happened!"

All eyes turned to me; even Emmett dropped his hand to his side. I didn't know what to say to them. It was Jasper I had to explain this to, not them; I didn't want to have to explain the reasoning behind my actions. This was hard enough as it was, without them judging me, as well.

In the end, though, I took a deep breath, and said it. "I wasn't there when he woke up." I didn't look at them; their reactions would make me want to run for the door. "I'd taken my things and gone to the other room."

Saying the words aloud made me feel sick, and I hurried over the final part of the explanation because I knew what would come next. "When I realised I was being an idiot, I went back to him. But he was already gone."

"You took your_things_?" It was Edward again; the others merely stared. "Did you not think what that would _look__like_ to him? He must have thought you'd taken one look at him and run off. No wonder he left!"

_You__think__I__don__'__t__know__that_?

His words were hitting me right through my heart. I didn't want to hear it…but maybe it was about time I did. Maybe I needed someone to shout at me, and show me what I was doing to Jasper. It wasn't fair on him and it needed to stop. I loved him, and he deserved to know that and so much more. After everything he'd done for me, he didn't deserve to be punished by my stupid behaviour.

I knew what I wanted, yet I repeatedly made a mess of it, hurting Jasper in the process. This person I'd become, I barely recognised her.

"Edward, don't," Emmett warned quietly. The two of them stared each other down; Emmett said something, but I only caught the last part of the sentence. "…she wasn't to know he was going to wake up."

As touching as it was to hear Emmett sticking up for me, I didn't need to hear someone making excuses for my behaviour. I quickly wiped at my damp cheeks and drew in a deep breath to try and regain some kind of composure.

"No, Edward's right," I said weakly. "I know I really messed up this time, and I deserve to be shouted at."

Emmett sighed and looked between us. "Yeah, well, bitching at each other ain't gonna bring Jasper back, is it? Everyone needs to just cool off and then we'll decide how we're going to sort this shit out."

Forever the peacemaker, he waited until Edward nodded shortly and turned away, disappearing outside. I stared at the back door as if I could still see him, knowing I had to go out and talk to him before I went after Jasper. I needed to know what happened when Edward went looking for him, just so I had some idea what to expect later.

But first, I needed to work out what I was going to do about Jasper. Last year, it had taken us three days to face one another. There'd been so many problems with that, and I still found it hard to truly comprehend what happened that day. I hated the thought of what I did, and this was exactly the same.

However, this time, I wasn't going to make the same mistake.

"Where are you going?" Bella asked the second I stood up; I noticed Emmett and Rosalie were watching me, too, and it was just another reason why I needed to have some time alone, away from people watching me.

"I just need some time to think," I replied, not waiting for a response as I quickly made my way upstairs. I went for my shoes first, retrieving them from where I'd left them beside the couch. My next move should have been to go back downstairs and talk to Edward, but as I passed by the spare room Jasper and I shared, I felt the urge to go inside.

The bed was cold, but I could still smell him on the sheets when I lay down in the same position I'd been in this morning. The bed was small, yet it felt too big now Jasper wasn't here, and soon enough, I found myself crying again as I pulled the pillow down to my level.

Unlike this morning, catching his scent had the opposite effect. It didn't give me warmth or happiness; there was just a cold, dull feeling inside that wouldn't disperse. I was certain it would stay there until I'd resolved this mess once and for all.

It was maybe ten minutes later I heard someone making their way upstairs. I quickly sat up, wiping my eyes yet again just as Edward came into view. The anger had disappeared from his eyes, replaced with a flicker of remorse.

At first he didn't say anything as he entered the room, lifting the blinds so the morning light could spill into the room. I'd barely registered the room was dark before he came in.

"I'm sorry for having a go at you earlier. I was angry and ended up taking it out on you," he said, perching on the bed beside me. "I know you didn't need me saying all that shit; I can see how much this is killing you."

I shook my head, repeating what I'd said to Emmett a short while ago. "I'm the one who should be apologising."

"Not to me, though."

"I know." I ran my hands over my face; the Tylenol from earlier hadn't seemed to work at all. "I'm going to see him when I'm finished here."

"Do you think he'll let you?" he asked after a while. "I've seen Jasper angry before, but never that bad."

I closed my eyes, trying to fight the ache in my chest. _So__Jasper__had__been__angry_. If I thought about it, his anger didn't seem that hard to understand. Not only was it his defence mechanism, it was also one of the most plausible reactions. I knew Jasper; underneath all his anger, he was hurt and lost, but lashing out was easier than facing those feelings.

"I don't know, Edward, but I'll wait outside all day if I have to." I sighed; there was a good chance Jasper would turn away the second he saw me, and it was nothing more than I deserved. "He can't ignore me forever."

Edward's raised eyebrow didn't go unnoticed. Neither of us doubted the strength of Jasper's ability to shut people out. But I had to try. I wasn't going to give up on him, and I certainly wasn't going to let him push me away. I'd screwed up too many times to ever believe bailing out would help things.

The fact I'd been in this position with Jasper before made me even more guilt-ridden.

Noting my expression, Edward exhaled quietly and put his arm around me. I leant into his embrace, but it didn't have the same comforting effect Jasper's had. He was smaller than Jasper, which made the hug feel off, and when I closed my eyes, it was hard not to imagine he was somebody else.

"Go to him, Alice," he said quietly. "You two need each other."

He didn't say anything more as I pulled away and put my shoes on. The three of them looked up when I made my way downstairs, but I didn't say a word as I went to the door.

"She's going to see Jasper," I heard Edward tell them. I quickly glanced back at them, Edward giving me a quick, reassuring nod before I pulled the door shut behind me. As soon as I was outside, I stopped to inhale deeply. _This__is__it_, I thought to myself. I just had to trust he'd gone home, and not somewhere I wouldn't be able to find him.

I didn't rush; the last thing I needed was to turn up out of breath and unprepared. The slow walk and cool morning air ended up being quite practical. It helped to clear my mind, and events of the previous night were gradually coming back to me - such as slipping away from the Bella, Edward and Rosalie to search for Jasper.

He'd been quiet when I found him…something had been on his mind, which meant whatever it was, it took place before we'd split up. Whatever it was, it'd plagued his every thought. It wasn't imperative for me to work it out, but I wanted to know. It felt wrong to see he'd been so weighed down by it, knowing I couldn't remember. So I pushed forward, recalling the way I'd teased him about something.

But what? What made me tease him in the first place? It took a couple of beats before it finally came to me – _Emmett_. Somehow his shirt was open, and Jasper had made a comment. I'd been reminded of the events of the previous evening – now, _that_ I hadn't forgotten. In spite of everything, I could still recollect every time I'd stolen a glance in his direction.

If I was being honest, I'd barely been able to keep my eyes off him, and it made me wonder whether Jasper noticed. I'd been drinking, so who knew how obvious I was. But, that'd been before midnight, and I hadn't had too much to drink by that point.

_Midnight_.

Things started to fall into place, and all of a sudden I knew, just like that. Something had changed at midnight; it was New Years Eve – and what was the well-known tradition at the stroke of midnight? You kissed someone who was important to you.

_I__kissed__Jasper_.

Now I knew _what_it was, I found it easier to picture the scene. I stopped walking and closed my eyes, thinking back to the moment it took place. I could remember it now; he was sitting on the couch when the countdown began…I'd crossed the room and sat beside him just as the New Year began. That was when I kissed him.

Even now, I knew the pretence of the tradition had been nothing more than an excuse.

I opened my eyes, my fingers drifting to my lips. It was a relief to finally know what evaded me, but it didn't change anything. Like this morning, it didn't make any difference whether I knew or not; I still wanted the same thing.

When I focused on where I was it took me a moment to realise I'd stopped in the same place Jasper and I had the night before. More than that, this had been the spot he'd taken my hand. It was a pleasant feeling to walk hand in hand, and I'd really missed his touch when we arrived at Edward's.

It was kind of ironic, really. I'd let go of his hand in an attempt to prevent too much attention being drawn to our relationship, yet, in the end, it hadn't made much difference. I still managed to mess things up all by myself. It was a shame, though. Had we been together, I would have taken his hand as we walked home.

The mere thought of holding his hand made me _miss_ him…really miss him. The urge to see him again grew even stronger, so I started walking, my pace a little quicker now I was definitely ready to face him.

My nerves flooded back as I turned into Jasper's street. This wasn't going to be easy, whichever way I looked at it. Even if he didn't block me out the moment he saw me, it would still be a struggle to get him to open up. Right now, I was willing to give him space, just so long as he heard me out, first.

By the time his front door came into view, I was having a hard time stopping the shaking. My hands were especially affected when I came to a stop in front of it. Taking a deep breath, I willed myself to knock.

I waited, biting my lip, as I heard someone approach the door. I didn't know what to expect, but in all that time, I hadn't foreseen Jasper's mother. In hindsight, I shouldn't have anticipated anyone else.

Why would Jasper even answer the door?

I quickly struggled to regain my focus. The whole thing set me back a couple of paces, and the look in Sylvia's eyes made it impossibly hard to find my voice. There was no doubt Jasper was here; her expression confirmed it. She knew what I'd done…she'd seen his reaction, and had to deal with the brunt of it.

_Again_.

"Can I see him?" I finally managed to utter. The words sounded feeble and ineffective to my ears, and I knew she wouldn't even consider it. Why the hell would she? In fact, she didn't even answer me straight away; she simply let the words hang as she held my gaze with her unwavering stare. For a split second, it reminded me of Jasper.

"If I didn't already know how much Jasper would eventually disapprove," she began, her voice calculated. "I would have already shut the door in your face."

Her words were like a stinging slap, and I recoiled as though she'd actually struck me. Like Jasper, her accent seemed to become more pronounced when she was angry.

"Do you really think I'm going to let you see him?" I turned my gaze to the ground; to look at her now would break me. "By God do I know how much he needs you in his life, but this relationship is unhealthy, and I will _not_ stand back and let you do this to him over and over again."

My stomach turned as I tried not to cry in front if her. Every word rang true, and it was exactly what I deserved. This wasn't just about today; this was for all the times I'd screwed up. I'd been the one to walk away from him in August, and when he'd come to make amends, I'd hardly let him explain himself. While he'd meant what he said that day, the only reason he'd let it out was because of how I'd reacted in the first place.

We both knew Jasper wasn't innocent in all this; he'd made some mistakes of his own. But at the end of the day, Jasper was damaged enough, and in moments like these, all I'd done was make it worse.

"Go home, Alice. I want you to have a real good think about what he means to you, and how far you're willing to go. Only when you can promise me you won't hurt like this again, should you even consider coming back here."

She appraised me for one, silent moment before pulling back and shutting the door. I remained stationary for only a second as a shudder tore through me. My resolve slipped away and tears pooled in my eyes.

Once again, she was completely right. But I'd already done everything she told me to…I _knew_ how much Jasper meant to me; I _knew_how far I'd go for him. All that was left was to promise her, and I had to mean it. Above all else, it was a promise I couldn't break.

I couldn't go home. I could barely move, and walking away just wasn't an option. I vowed I would wait for him, and that was exactly what I would do. At that, I sunk to the ground, perching against the step.

I would stay all day if I had to, because I needed to resolve this; I _had_ to make things right again.

Even if Sylvia hadn't told him, there was no way he couldn't have heard the knock at the door. If he looked out the window, he would see me. It would be his choice, then. Either he would come outside, or he wouldn't. Either way, I was prepared to wait, and like I'd said to Edward, he couldn't ignore me forever.

* * *

I picked at the loose stones around me and lined them up. After repeating the action, I shuffled them into a pile and placed them in order of size. I wasn't sure how long I'd been waiting. An hour, maybe two? I wasn't keeping track, and I refused to keep checking my cell.

After a while, I was almost tempted to knock on the door and make that promise. I knew _they_ knew I was out here; I wasn't sure who it was, but I'd seen someone at the window out of the corner of my eye. I hadn't looked up, but for a long while after, all I could think about was whether it'd been Jasper.

Sighing, I brushed my hands on my legs and placed them under my arms to warm up. As expected, the early January morning was kindly reminding me it was still winter, and I was only wearing the thin material I had on the night before.

However, that wasn't going to stop me. If Sylvia wanted to see how far I'd go…this would provide enough of an answer for now.

A quiet rapping on the window made me jump. I looked up and almost didn't see Emily perched in the bottom corner. When our eyes met, she smiled and waved. It took all I had to return the gesture. A frown crossed her childlike features, and a second later she was gone.

Not ten seconds passed before I heard someone pull the latch on the door, and though I knew it was going to be Emily, I still held my breath for a second or two, hoping it was Jasper.

"Are you waiting for Jasper?" she asked as she appeared in front of me. My heart sank as I nodded, unable to answer her verbally. In the back of my mind, I noticed her hair was curlier than normal – she'd taken out the braids I'd done for her last night. "Do you want me to go get him for you?"

I all but dived to hold her back as she went to go inside. "You don't have to do that, Emily, but thank you. He has to…Jasper has to want to see me, first."

My voice broke as I finished. I knew she meant well, but I didn't want him to come outside just because Emily had told him to. He had to face me because he _wanted_ to.

"But…" She frowned once again, turning to look behind her into the house. "But he's-"

"_Emily_."

My heart leapt at the sound of his voice. I scrambled to my feet just as he appeared behind her.

"Go back inside," he told her. I studied his tone, recognising the inflection all too well. It was the same broken voice he used whenever he'd lost his way and was too exhausted to keep going.

Emily shot me one, last look before doing as she was told. Only then did he look at me. It felt as though my heart was in my throat as he stared at me. I wasn't sure what I expected to see in his eyes, but I felt a small wave of relief when I couldn't find traces of anger. Though everything that sat in its place was going to be just as hard to deal with, it was something I could work on.

When Jasper was angry, it was almost impossible to get through to him.

After a moment, his gaze wavered and he looked away. I noticed him swallow heavily as he moved to close the door. For a brief instant, I thought he was going back inside. But my racing heart was placated when he stepped outside.

"Come on," he said, not looking at me. "We can't talk here. I don't want to be somewhere my mom can see us. She doesn't think I should talk to you."

He didn't give me the time to answer before he started down the path. I was grateful for the silence; it allowed me to compose myself as I followed him. I was also grateful we were moving away from the house, not only because I didn't want an audience, but over time, I'd noticed these things were easier when we were both out in the open.

As for Sylvia, I didn't blame her for not wanting me to see her son. She'd made it perfectly clear earlier, and I felt guilty because I was yet to make my promise to her. But the guilt was easily overridden because talking to Jasper came first, and while she didn't want him to talk to me, he was doing it, anyway.

In the silence, I noticed he'd changed his clothes, and strangely, he was carrying one of his hoodies. It was only when he came to a stop a little while later did I realise what it was for.

"Here, put this on," he said, handing it to me. "It's fucking freezing out here."

Though he was right about the cold, I felt a little warmer from his words alone. Even after everything I'd put him through today, he was still worried about my wellbeing.

As I pulled the hoodie over my head, I took the time to wonder what he was thinking. I got the impression he was finding it hard to meet my eye, but it didn't feel the same as last year. It was as though there was another reason, and against my better judgement, I held onto the hope that my instincts were right, and the reason behind it wasn't as bad as last time.

I knew I was stalling when I started rolling the sleeves up. Now he was here, I wasn't sure how to begin. I didn't want to rush into it and mess it up, but I knew the longer I left it, the worse it was going to get.

At long last, I closed my eyes and pulled myself together. It was now or never, and I had to do this for the both of us.

"I can understand if you don't want to see me," I began, my voice surprisingly strong. "After this, if you still want me to go, then I will. All I ask is that you hear me out first."

For a second, he looked torn. A moment later, he nodded, and I released the breath I'd been holding.

_This__is__it_, I thought.

"Jasper, I'm so sorry." Hearing the words aloud, it didn't sound enough. But it was the truth. "I'm sorry for everything, not just what I did today, but for all the times I've hurt you or done something stupid."

He opened his mouth to say something, but I quickly held my hand up. "No, let me say this…please…"

If I let him speak, I would lose track, and I had to say it…I had to say it all or else who knew when the next opportunity would arise.

"You don't deserve this, any of this," I said, my control slipping once again. "You've been through enough as it is; you shouldn't have to deal with my problems, too."

A tear slipped down my cheek, and he followed its path for a second or two. When he met my eye, I saw the same torn look from before and I knew…I knew I had to tell him.

"I just…" The words tried to catch in my throat. _You__'__re__not__going__to__stop__me__this__time_, I thought with a pounding heart. _I__have__to__tell__him_. "I just…I want you to know that I love you."

The sense that a weight had been lifted was instantaneous. It was such a…_relief_, and I soon found myself crying harder because of it. I could scarcely even look at him; I didn't have the power to even gauge his reaction, all I knew was he hadn't looked away. The fact he hadn't backed away and ran off was enough of a reaction for now.

I certainly wasn't expecting him to say it back.

"I don't want to screw this up anymore," I said, finding my voice for the final time. I had nothing left to say, and somehow, it didn't feel enough. But there was nothing more…it was up to him now.

When I found the courage to look at Jasper, I saw he was no longer looking at me. He gazing downwards, his eyes taking on a far away appearance. Wherever he was, it wasn't here.

Gradually, I watched him come back to me. I wanted to reach out to him, to say his name, _anything_, just so he would look at me. But I unable to do a thing as he turned away, his right hand gripping his hair.

Something akin to rejection pulsed through me and I could barely disguise the sob that escaped me. A knot formed in the pit of my stomach, and I closed my eyes because I couldn't bear to watch him walk away, leaving me alone and crying in the street.

"Come here."

My eyes shot open and I looked to where he was perched on a low wall. _He__'__s__letting__me__come__closer_? I couldn't help the sudden burst of hope that spread through me. I quickly wiped my cheeks and approached him, unsure as to what would happen next. He waited for me to sit down before speaking again.

"I could never send you away, Alice," he said quietly, defeated. "I know I said I couldn't do this again…but…"

Jasper paused to look around him, as though expecting the words to creep up on him. "The truth is…I can't stomach the thought of losing you."

As he finished, he half turned as though he was going to look at me, but caught himself and looked away again. Although it should have discouraged me, the faintest of smiles broke through my tears. I could understand how hard it was to admit how you felt about someone; I'd hardly been able to look at him, so I didn't expect anything more.

Letting him have his moment, I glanced down at his hand resting on the wall between us. My earlier thoughts came back to me, and suddenly the urge to take his hand was back again, but stronger now that it was in my reach.

I held back for a moment, unsure as to whether it would startle him. But gradually my heart took over, and I reached for his hand, encasing it in both of mine. He looked down at our joined hands, but didn't pull away.

The hope within me grew even stronger.

"I was coming back to you this morning, you know," I told him softly, needing him to know the truth. I used the kind of tone that showed I wasn't trying to make him feel guilty for taking off the way he had. "I realised I was being stupid, so I…I kinda thought I could just…creep back into bed with you."

Listening to the words out loud made it sound so much bigger and meaningful than it did in my mind, and I was suddenly quite nervous to meet his eyes. The moment was made harder because he hadn't looked away since I admitted I'd planned to return to him. My movement was timid when I eventually found the guts to look into his conflicted gaze.

His brow creased together the moment our eyes met. "You were coming back to me…"

He cursed quietly, looking away once again. The next words to leave his mouth seemed more for him, than me.

"If I'd stayed, instead of…"

I quickly shook my head. "I don't blame you for what you did," I said firmly.

Jasper looked down at his lap, and I wasn't sure if he'd even heard me. I knew what he was like, and I knew how much trouble he'd have accepting it. But knowing there was nothing I could say, all I could do was wait for him to return.

Eventually, he let out a sigh. "Even so, it's another mistake in a long line of fuck ups. What you said earlier about not wanting to screw this up anymore – I agree.

"I'm tired of over thinking shit all the time, too." As he spoke, he used his free hand to roughly tousle his hair. "Why don't we ignore what everyone else is saying and just…let this happen, whenever the hell that might be?"

Hardly daring to believe it, I looked into his eyes, noticing the sudden optimism I hadn't seen before. Without warning, a smile broke out across my face, and I knew he was as ready for this as I was – he wouldn't have suggested it if he wasn't. More often than not, he hated the thought of things changing around him, but this time it was different.

This time he was in control; he was instigating it. For a second or two, I closed my eyes, relishing the feeling.

"I really like the sound of that," I said a moment later.

For the first time that day, I saw a hint of a smile on his face. "So where does this leave us?"

I merely gave his hand a gentle squeeze, my smile widening. "Right here, Jas, right here."

* * *

**A/N: You guys know I'm not a fan of fluff, but even I was smiling when she said I love you.**

**I adore Emmett, js. Bad Edward…**

**Teasers to chapter 64 go out in review replies.**


	65. Chapter 64

**A/N: Chapter 64!**

**This chapter skips forward a couple of months. I'm not happy with it, but if I keep putting it off, I'll never do it! As always, thanks to koko23cat. Also, I want to thank all of you for reading.**

**Disclaimer: If I was Stephenie Meyer, you'd have seen pictures of me at the Breaking Dawn Premiere…and in the film *cringe***

* * *

**Chapter 64 - Home Video**

**14th February 2010**

**Alice POV**

As the customer in front of me gathered her shopping, I glanced towards the clock, noting I had only half an hour left. I didn't have anything planned, especially on a day like this; I just wanted to go.

To be honest, I wanted see Jasper.

After everything that happened at the start of the year, I was really pleased with how things had turned out. There hadn't been any awkwardness or tension, which allowed us to do the one thing we both wanted – to move forward. When I'd spent the day with Bella, Edward, Emmett and Rosalie before they returned to college, they'd barely touched on the topic of Jasper.

Everything felt so…_right_. Whenever I thought about it, I'd be overcome with relief to know we'd finally faced the truth everyone else had been seeing for a while now. There were feelings between us which were continuing to get stronger and stronger.

That didn't mean we were a _couple_, though. I didn't even like the word, and we didn't need it hanging over us. We were happy with how things were right now, comfortable with it. It would happen in due course, but we weren't waiting for it. We just wanted to put the past behind us and let it happen.

Nonetheless, it didn't stop me from feeling incredibly guilty about what I'd put him through on New Years Day. The anger and the upset…it'd been enough to push us over the edge had we let it. The thought alone me sick to my stomach.

I'd eased some of my guilt when I talked to Jasper's parents a few days later. At first, I only intended to talk to Sylvia. I knew from the start I had to apologise and promise I wouldn't hurt him. She'd always been at the brunt of it, having to deal with Jasper's problems. It was about time I assured her I wouldn't be at the root of it again.

I didn't want Jasper to be there when I talked to her, so I waited until I knew he'd be at work. But when I got there, his father answered. At the time, I hadn't been sure whether I could go through with it. Jasper looked so much like his father; even some of their mannerisms were the same, and at first, it was a little unnerving.

In the end, I knew it was the right thing to do. They let me speak, waiting until the end before they gave their response. They weren't oblivious to the fact that, when something went wrong, Jasper had the tendency to over think things; they were well aware of how badly it could spiral out of control. In spite of that, they knew Jasper and I needed each other, and while we'd both made a mess of things in the past, we would always resolve the issue.

After I left, I was truly satisfied with the outcome. Through my nerves, it was nice to actually talk to them. Every time I'd seen them together, Jasper had been with me, and more often than not, I'd ended up watching for his reaction than paying attention to how they interacted.

But without Jasper, I was able to see what a united front they were. You couldn't deny they loved each other; you could see it in their eyes. They'd put their differences and problems behind them so they could focus on what was important. I admired them for it, and secretly hoped Jasper and I could be just the same with our own issues.

My respect for them as Jasper's parents, had gone up that day, and so far I hadn't given them reason to question my assurance. I don't think Jasper ever found out about it. If they told him, he never mentioned it.

As the month progressed, Jasper really started to smile again. I could even go as far as saying he was happy. _Happier_ with himself, at least. I wasn't going to be foolish and say he was suddenly free of all his problems. I was certain he'd never be completely rid of them all.

But, at least I could say any underlying concerns between us had been cleared up. Maria, his father – his _family_, and his friends back in Texas...he still had to deal with all that, and it was kind of terrifying to see how much he still had to contend with. But he'd do it, I knew he could. I had faith in him to pull through because while he'd come close to giving up, he was still here.

All I could hope was he was through the worst of it. He was going to be nineteen tomorrow, and it was about time he was allowed himself to enjoy life. I would help him...just as soon as I finished work.

I stared at the clock once again, wishing I could finish fifteen minutes early. I'd been in since nine – school hours – and I was really starting to go insane. We'd all wanted to leave, but now I'd finished high school, all I wanted to do was go back. Of course, I was supposed to be in college right now, but that was beside the point.

Finally, I was allowed to clock out, and after fetching my bag, I made my way out into the cool February afternoon. I took a deep breath, and started walking, wondering what I was going to do with the rest of the day. Right now, all I wanted to do was spend the rest of the day with Jasper, but I didn't actually know what he was-

I stopped in my tracks, letting the thought drift away. The moment I saw Jasper, I almost didn't recognise him.

"Jasper...?" I said in astonishment. He was leaning against his bike, with a helmet propped underneath his arm.

"I thought you were going to walk right passed me," he said as I ambled over to him in a daze. "In your own little world again?"

"What are you...?" My voice trailed off as I examined him once again. I'd never seen him with his bike in the two months he'd had it. In all honesty, I found it hard to envisage him with one, and if anything, I wouldn't have thought the image worked.

How wrong was I?

It really suited him, and paired with everything else I couldn't help but admit he looked _hot_. I let out a breathy laugh at the thought.

"Are you asking what I'm doing here?" I nodded because quite frankly, I didn't know what I was going to ask him. "I came to pick you up."

I swallowed heavily. "On your bike?"

"You're nice and observant today, I see," he mused, smiling, as he stood up, revealing a second helmet on the seat behind him. I couldn't help but stare as he held it out to me.

"Where did you get that from?"

"I bought it," he said as I continued to eye the foreign object in his hands. "Think of it as an early birthday present."

I rolled my eyes, taking it from him. "Thanks, but your birthday is closer than mine, you know."

"Don't remind me." He didn't give me time to respond as he signalled for me to try it on. I didn't move as I cautiously eyed the bike.

A part of me wasn't so sure this was a good idea, mainly because the closest thing I'd done was ride on the back of someone's pushbike, and even that had been maybe a couple of metres at the most.

The other part wanted to say _hell __yes_.

"Have you ever done this before?"

He glanced at me, raising his eyebrow. "Had someone on the back of my bike? Yes, but only once."

I nodded, choosing not to respond. It wasn't hard to guess _who_ his passenger had been. I could remember him saying he'd learnt to ride when he was fifteen. As far as I was aware, Maria was already diagnosed by that point, so the chances of a bike ride were bound to be few and far between.

After a moment, I decided it wasn't such a big deal, and shifted my bag so the strap was secured across my body. The helmet felt heavy as I secured it into place. I was certain I looked like an alien. When I caught the smile on Jasper's face, I pushed the visor down.

"Don't say it," I said, pointing a finger at him. "Whatever you're thinking, don't say it."

He straightened his expression, holding his hands up in mock surrender. He fixed his helmet and swung his leg over the bike.

_Damn, _did he look the part, or what?

"You need to hold tight," he informed me, signalling behind him as he spoke.

Biting my lip, I moved forward and copied him, noting how I actually had to _climb_ onto the thing. The seat was tilted, which meant the moment I settled, I slid against him. My legs rested against his thigh, and after he reminded I needed to hold tight, I wrapped my arms around his waist, tangling my hands together.

In this position, I had no other choice but to lean against him. I rested my head between his shoulder blades and listened to the rumble as he started the engine.

"Ready?" he asked over his shoulder. The excitement which laced his tone told me he'd probably still ride off, even if I'd said no. But I wasn't _going_ to say no, and as he heard my verification, we pulled off.

I yelped slightly at the slight jolt, and held onto him even tighter. After a minute, I opened my eyes and realised it wasn't actually as bad as I thought it would be. On the whole, it really was exhilarating, terrifying at the same time, but definitely exhilarating. The only slight downfall was that my work clothes consisted of black pants and a thin, pale green t-shirt. By the time we stopped, my arms felt like ice cubes.

But I didn't say a word as I climbed off and removed my helmet. I looked around as I ran my fingers through my hair. I was surprised to see we were in La Push; I hadn't realised Jasper even knew about this place.

"How was it?" Jasper asked after he'd chained our helmets to the bike.

I smiled at animated look on his face. "Kinda frightening, and though my legs feel like jelly, I can tell why you love it."

"I think that's the general reaction for a first timer." As he finished, his gaze drifted to where my hand was absently rubbing against my arm. I stopped as soon as I realised, but a frown still formed on his face as he stepped forward and closed his fingers around my wrist.

"Jesus, Alice, you're freezing." His face contorted with guilt. "I should have taken you home to get something warmer to wear. Fuck, why didn't I think of that?"

I shrugged. "Its fine, Jas, I'll warm up soon enough."

He still didn't look convinced, and when I watched him unzip his jacket, I shot him a sceptical look.

"I'm not going to wear your jacket, if that's what you're thinking," I told him quickly, watching as a smirk twitched across his face. "I'll drown in it."

He held his hands up in a bargaining manner. "Either that or my hoodie." When my eyes narrowed, his challenged me. "But first, you're going to hug me."

I couldn't help but laugh at his bizarre command. "What?"

"_Hug_ me."

"Why?"

_Why __was __I __questioning __him_?

"Will you just fucking hug me already?" he chided playfully. I didn't question him again. But even then he stopped me. When he pulled my arms back, I was well and truly confused. Then he placed them _under_his jacket, and I finally realised what he meant.

"Oh, _okay_," I whispered as I leant against him, trying to absorb some of his body heat. Beneath his jacket, it was like a damn sauna. After a moment, I pressed my nose into the folds on his hoodie and closed my eyes.

He chuckled. "See? There's method in the madness."

I mumbled something in the fabric, only half responding. We remained holding each other, ignoring the fact we were in the middle of La Push. I was so comfortable that we could have been anywhere and I wouldn't have minded. In the end, though, I was the first to reluctantly pull away.

"I'm definitely warmer now, thank you," I told him, already missing the contact a second after it was gone. I was about to ask him where we were going, when I saw him shrug out of his jacket.

"You're not going to let up until I take your hoodie, are you?"

"Fat chance." He snorted and slung his jacket down on the bike, before going to remove his hoodie. Like every other guy I knew, removing his top consisted of yanking it over his head, pulling everything else with it.

I'd like to say I _didn__'__t_ stare…_right_.

His t-shirt underneath rose with it, and I got an eyeful before he pulled it back down and handed me the hoodie. I busied myself with putting it on, silently hoping he hadn't caught me staring. I had to roll up the sleeves, but there was nothing I could do about the bottom. I looked as though I was wearing a ridiculously baggy dress, but it was warm, so I couldn't complain.

"I would say let's go, but I don't really know where we are," he said with a frown as he scanned the vicinity. "I only came down here because the road was clear."

I smiled, finding his puzzled expression endearing. "Come on, I know a place we can go," I told him as I slipped my hand into his.

First Beach was pretty much empty when we got there. We walked for a little while in silence; it was only when we sat down on the typical log bench that he spoke.

"I'm guessing you've been here before."

I nodded, glancing around the familiar area. "We used to come here a lot when we were kids. Not so much anymore. Emmett and Edward are probably the only ones that come - they have matches with some of the guys who live on the rez. It's mostly just the people who live here, aside from the odd surfer and the ones crazy enough to try cliff diving."

"Cliff diving? Should I ask?"

"Seriously. There's an area just north of here that's known for it. Recreational sport, they call it." My expression scrunched up at the thought. "More like jumping to your death."

"It doesn't sound so bad, actually," he replied, shrugging his shoulders as if the thought of throwing himself off a cliff was his idea of fun.

"On your own," I muttered, staring at him incredulously. In truth, it wasn't that hard to imagine Jasper enjoying cliff diving. Emmett, too, although I was certain he'd already done it once before with Henry. "I can't even imagine doing that. Falling all that way...only to hit the water at the bottom."

I shuddered. "I've heard people can get some serious bruising if they hit the water the wrong way. I'd come out looking like a blackberry."

When he looked away, I got the feeling something was wrong. "What?" I asked, nudging him gently. When he didn't respond, I had to ask him again. He was scowling when he finally faced me. I couldn't understand what I'd said.

"What's wrong?"

"It's just the thought of you jumping off a cliff." His scowl turned into a grimace. "I can't even…fuck; I'd kill anyone who even thought of taking you up there."

"But what if you were the one jumping?" I pressed, leaning against him. "What if I wanted to make sure you were okay?"

"Are you serious?" He snorted as though my point was invalid. "I'm a big boy, I can handle it. I wouldn't jump if I knew you were still up there."

I half shrugged, conceding he had a point. I certainly wouldn't feel safe up on one of the higher ledges. But I paid little attention to it. I wouldn't feel comfortable watching him jump, either, but it was the importance behind his words I focused on.

"Look who's getting all protective," I said, the words coming out quieter than I'd hoped. In some sense, it was meant to tease him, but I didn't _want_to tease him because he was protective of me, and I loved that he was.

But I couldn't say it…

All I could do was shuffle closer and lean my head against his shoulder, hoping he understood the meaning behind the gesture. When he wordlessly put his arm around me, I got the feeling he had.

"Yeah, well...I promised I'd look after you, didn't I?" He shrugged and looked out across the beach. I couldn't explain the sudden warmth which spilled through my chest. But the sensation was familiar, and I smiled, closing my eyes.

* * *

The ride back was far more comfortable with Jasper's hoodie. I didn't want to part with it, and when he suggested I came back to the house with him, I all but jumped at the chance. I wasn't sure what he had in mind, but I could hazard a guess at curling up on the couch and watching a film, just as we had the year before.

The thought of sitting beside him with his arm around me was making my heart race. Or maybe he'd bring his bed cover down and I'd take his hand…I caught myself before my mind truly wandered. Yet it was still reeling as I wandered into the main room in search of Jasper. He was standing in front of the TV, staring down at a DVD in his hand as if it was of alien origin.

"What is it?" I asked, coming to stand beside him. He frowned in response and showed me the front. It was a rewritable DVD; someone had made it.

"I don't know," he said slowly, giving me the distinct impression he wasn't telling me the complete truth. "All it has is the number thirteen on the front."

"Why don't you put it in?" I offered, knowing if he didn't, it'd be on his mind for the rest of the day. He visibly faltered, but as I went to ask him what the problem was, he put the DVD in the drive. We settled back onto the couch together and waited for the DVD to load.

At first, it came up with a 'playback' option, allowing us to watch from where it left off. Jasper clicked 'select', and as soon as it started playing, I knew it was a home video – an old one, at that.

"It's my thirteenth," Jasper said absently, staring at the screen, looking paler than a minute ago.

"What?"

"My thirteenth birthday, this is a video from my birthday party," he replied quickly, sounding as though he didn't like to admit it. In hindsight, the writing on the DVD made perfect sense.

When I focused on the TV, I spotted a man I didn't recognise carrying a birthday cake. A female was talking, calling out for Jasper. I didn't recognise her, either.

Suddenly he was there, right in front of me. It was a bittersweet moment. Thirteen year old Jasper grinned as the cake came into view, while a fair haired boy joined him, grinning just as wide.

The camera panned out to Sylvia, and it surprised me to see how different she looked…in the video, she was looked young and happy. Much like Jasper, I guess, whose light blond hair and infectious grin was something I wasn't going to forget for a while.

"_Make __a __wish ,__Jasper_," the female said, but he shook his head and looked around, as if searching for someone.

"_Dad, __come __here_!" thirteen year old Jasper called out. I shouldn't have been surprised to hear his voice being so…childlike. Of course, he was still only a child there, his voice hadn't broken.

A minute later, Jon came to stand behind his son, who looked towards him with so much adoration it looked completely alien coming from the boy before me. I'd only ever seen Emily looking at Jasper the way he was looking at his father in that moment.

It was only then, as I tore my eyes from the screen, did I realise Jasper was absolutely rigid in his chair.

My body tensed at the sight of him. His hand was shaking, gripping the remote control. All colours had drained from his face, and he was just staring at the screen as if he couldn't pull himself away.

I didn't know what to do.

A surge of panic rose in my chest at the thought. I immediately shot from the chair so I could switch it off. But I was too late, as the unidentified woman asked where the other camera was.

"Maria has it."

I jumped out my skin and spun to face him as he spoke in time with his younger self. All of a sudden, the screen went black, and Jasper had bolted from the chair. I tried to reach out to him, but he was out of the room before I could make contact. A second later, there was a loud thump, and I jolted at the sound.

Without a second thought, I hurried into the hall to look for him. I found him hunched over on the stairs.

"Jas?" I called out softly, not wanting to startle him. He didn't look up, so I knelt down in front of him, gently prying his hands away from his hair. His knuckles on one had were inflamed, and it dawned me he must have punched the wall. That was the noise I'd heard…

"Hey…" I whispered when he gripped my hands instead. His body sagged as he glanced up at me, his expression tired, as if the suffocating folds of his memory were draining him.

His eyes were tortured, and for a moment, they looked like they belonged to the child on the screen, but with the weight of everything still pressing down on him. He was just a little boy inside, lost and confused and scared.

I couldn't handle it anymore, I wanted to take his pain away and replace it with happiness. Not knowing what else I could do, I pulled him into a tight embrace, being high enough on the step for him to tuck his head against my shoulder. I could hear him taking a deep breath, trying to retain his composure, but even I could feel it slipping as a shudder tore through him.

Tightening my hold, I began trailing my hands up and down his back in a regular motion. I kept my eyes closed, and in a way, it was soothing the both of us at the same time.

Jasper was slow to move, but when he did, he pulled back only a short way, his hair tickling my cheek. His hands came to rest on my waist, but it was his eyes I focused on. They were still swimming with emotions, but there was something new as they stared into mine.

I swallowed heavily, and his eyes flickered downwards for a second before coming back to meet my gaze. The moment passed, and all of a sudden he blinked and pulled back, letting his hands fall to his lap.

I exhaled deeply, not realising I'd been holding my breath. He stared at his lap, and I silently wondered whether he'd felt the tension between us as much as I had.

"I'm going to be nineteen tomorrow," he began, his choice of topic taking me by surprise. "That birthday you saw in there was the last one I was really happy for. Five birthdays, and they're all ones I'd rather forget. How fucked up is that?"

Without any indication, he reached out and took my hand in both of his, running his thumb over my fingers.

"Except last year, maybe," he said as an afterthought, returning to look at our hands once again. "It wasn't so bad…"

I smiled, remembering I'd stayed over the night before. "We'll make tomorrow even better then," I told him reassuringly, knowing I'd do anything to make him happy again.

"Thank you." He said it quietly as he gave my hand a gentle squeeze. When he started chewing his lip, I got the impression there was something more he wanted to say. So I waited, until finally he looked up, and I saw the intensity was back. But it was different this time; it seemed as if he was trying to show me something.

"You mean the world to me, Alice," he whispered. "I don't think I've ever told you before, but you do…you always have."

My eyes welled up, and I gave him a watery smile as I leant forward and pressed my lips to his forehead, letting them linger against his skin. I shifted, leaning away again, knowing he didn't need me to tell him I felt the same way. He already knew how I felt.

I stopped when I caught him looking at me as he had earlier. There was something different, though, and as he brushed his thumb against my cheek, I knew what it was. He'd decided to do it this time.

I think we closed the gap at the same time, though I was sure he was the one to kiss me. He brushed his lips against mine, but paused for second, almost as if to say: _is __this __okay? __Can __we_?

The answer was obvious. _Yes, __this __is __okay._ He knew that as he began to kiss me once again. It was different than before; it was much slower, as if we were taking our time.

In the end, I think he was the one to pull back first, and when he did, I caught the faint smile on his face as his thumb traced my lips. I closed my eyes, returning the smile, as I gave into my senses.

Neither of us knew whether this would lead to anything more in terms of our relationship, but one day it would, and for now, that was enough.

* * *

**A/N: What d'ya think? Teasers for chapter 65 go out to reviewers.**

**Some of you might have heard about the new fandom cause called Fandom for Heroes. If not, I'm sure you've heard of _Help__for__Heroes_, or the _Poppy__Appeal_. This is a cause to raise money for the people who have, and will risk their lives fighting for their country.**

**I have signed up, and have written a Jasper/Maria outtake dated 4th April 2008. If you know your LiO dates, that's a mere three weeks before she died.**

**The compilation is still in the early stages right now, but you can receive the complete collection in February by donating a minimum of £5 to one of the above appeals. For further information, a link to their blog is on my profile. **

**So, who here has seen Breaking Dawn Part One?**


	66. Chapter 65

**A/N: Chapter 65!**

**Guess what? It's Jasper's 19th birthday! We're officially the same age. Birthday cake, anyone? It also happens to be December 2nd, which, in LiO world, is Robbie's birthday. Ah, the coincidences.**

**Sending out my thanks to koko and my readers, however many of you there are.**

**Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own Jasper, Alice, or any other Twilight related names in this chapter. All I own are couple of parents and a little sister.**

* * *

**Chapter 65 - New Boots**

**February 15th 2010**

**Jasper POV**

"Happy birthday, Jasper!" Emily said as she pounced onto my bed and started jumping up and down. I groaned, still half asleep, and grabbed her, pulling her under the covers with me. I clamped her arms down so she couldn't move, and threw the covers over her head.

"You little monkey," I growled playfully. She started squealing as I tickled her, unsuccessfully trying to swat my hands away. I stopped when I noticed she was getting out of breath. When she made sure I wouldn't attack again, she moved closer and settled beside me.

"Are you excited?" she asked randomly.

"Excited for what?"

"Your cake!" she replied, as if it was perfectly obvious. "I helped momma make it for you."

I couldn't help but laugh; I hadn't had a fucking cake in years. "Sure, sweetie, I'm excited to get my cake."

She twisted to face me, wearing the kind of smile that said she was proud of herself. "I made you a picture, too."

_Another __one_? I glanced over my shoulder at the wall behind me. It used to be blue, but since moving here, Emily had as good as redecorated the whole thing with her drawings. I didn't have the heart to take them down, knowing how happy it made her to see I'd put them on display.

"I'll have to find some more space on my wall, won't I?"

She barely had time to nod before she ducked back under the covers at the sound of footsteps outside my room. The door opened seconds later, and Mom stepped in, a soft smile on her face.

"Happy birthday, Jas," she said as she came and sat down on the edge of my bed. She was only inches away from Emily's feet; I could tell she was pretending to not notice her. Emily was dead silent.

"Thanks, Mom," I replied as I returned the smile.

"How about I make you your favourite for breakfast?"

My face lit up. "Waffles?"

I was such a fucking kid.

She nodded. "I was going to make some for Emily, too, but I can't seem to find her anywhere."

Emily giggled quietly beneath my covers. I couldn't help but chuckle at this; she'd be shit at a game of hide and seek.

"Oh, well, I guess she won't get any waffles," Mom said with a sigh.

"No, Momma! I'm right here!" Emily called from underneath the covers, pulling them down to reveal herself. Mom laughed lightly as she stood up.

"Come on, Ems; let's leave your brother to wake up properly."

I watched as she sat up. Her hair was all over the place as she turned to me, damn near tackle hugging me before placing a quick kiss on the cheek.

"Happy birthday, Jasper," she whispered once again. "I'm sorry that I woke you up."

I smiled softly and brushed a stray curl from her face. "It's okay, sweetie, you can do it however many times you like."

She smiled triumphantly before hopping from the bed and following Mom outside. I pulled myself out of bed a few minutes later and padded downstairs. I paused when I reached the bottom and stared at spot Alice and I had been sitting in the day before.

I hadn't intended to kiss her. Shit, when did you ever intend to kiss someone you weren't dating? It just sort of…happened. She'd been so close, so I'd grasped the moment. It was the first kiss we'd shared without one of us being drunk, and it felt fucking amazing.

I wasn't expecting anything to come out of it, though; if I put too much thought into it, I'd ruin it. Over thinking everything? Dwelling on shit? I was passed that bullshit when it came down to Alice.

We liked each other, so we kissed. That's all there was to it.

Nodding to myself, I walked away. As soon as I entered the kitchen, I was greeted by the scent of waffles. In the corner, I spotted my cake on the serving dish. I smiled, shaking my head slightly. What the hell made them make one? I bet it was Emily's idea…that girl was really starting to get a penchant for sweet things.

"Here you go, Jas," Mom said as she handed me a stack of birthday cards. I opened her card first, as I always did on my birthday. I then opened Emily's, which was homemade.

There were cards from Peter, Charlotte, Emmett, Rosalie, Edward and Bella; they had all remembered my birthday. I couldn't help but smile as I laid them out on the table. Unlike my birthday last year, Bella was actually acknowledging it this year, and I found myself feeling glad that things had changed between us.

However, there was one card that made me falter. Without fail, they sent cards for every occasion. But for every one I received, it always made me stop and wonder when I would see them next. Maria's family always remembered.

* * *

There was a knock at the door. When I called for them to enter, my father walked in. He had an envelope in his hand. I thought little of, assuming it was another birthday card.

"Happy birthday, son," he said as he came and sat down at the end of my bed. He passed the envelope to me without another word.

"This was from your Mom and me," he said as I turned the envelope over in my hands. It certainly wasn't a card; it was too thick for that. "I know technically you didn't ask for this, or even hint that you wanted it. It's just, we thought it was about time you had the option."

His words confused me as I started to open the seal. I hadn't expected his motorbike for Christmas, so God knows what this was. When the envelope was peeled back, I realised there was a wallet inside, I pulled it out and examined the front. I could see him tensing as he waited for my reaction.

I read the outside of the wallet, my heart flipping as I realised what they were. _Plane __tickets_…but to where? I didn't even have to think about it; there was only one place it could possibly be.

Nonetheless, I unfolded it cautiously and read the itinerary. Two seats booked to Houston for three days in March. I knew it. I could feel my chest tightening a little at the thought. I was getting shortness of breath, and I could feel myself starting to panic.

Staring at a space in front of me, I focused on thoughts Alice to calm myself down. The trip was over a month away, and he didn't need to see me freaking the fuck out. Yes, they had brought me tickets to go back home to Texas...to Maria, but if they hadn't, I wouldn't have found the courage to do it myself.

"I don't know what to say..." I said over the lump forming in my throat.

"Do you like it?" he asked anxiously.

Did I like the idea of going home for the first time in almost two years? Did I like that those three days were going to be some of the hardest shit I would have to deal with? No. But did I like the idea of spending time with my best friends, seeing my hometown and everything that was familiar to me?

"Yes," I whispered. "Thank you...Dad."

It sounded forced as I used his 'name'. It was still too soon for that, but it was a start in the right direction, and I knew even when I had to force myself to say it, hearing it made him happy.

He smiled, visibly relaxing. "No problem, son," he said. "I'm glad you like it. I know how hard it must be for you, but I really think it would do you some good, we both do."

I wasn't sure how to reply, and I think he knew that as he left me to it a moment later. It wasn't the first time he'd known when I needed some time alone, and I was grateful he'd picked up on it once again.

After a while, I returned my attention to the tickets. They were anonymous, anyone could use them. But who was going to use the second ticket? For a start I knew I couldn't go alone; as pathetic as it was, I needed someone to hold my fucking hand.

Mom was my first option, I was certain she wanted to visit her hometown, too. But what about Emily? It wasn't that I didn't think my father was capable enough to look after her, I just…I still didn't feel comfortable in leaving her alone with him for longer than a couple of hours. Anyway, that would mean he had to live _here_, and I certainly wasn't ready for that shit.

I got up from the bed and carried them downstairs, where I found him sitting reading the newspaper. As soon as I came in, he put it to the side and turned to face me.

"I was wondering," I began, tapping the tickets with my finger. "There are two tickets here. Who's going with me?"

"Well, that's up to you who you chose to take," he replied. "But we thought you might like to take Alice with you, you know, to show her where you grew up."

There was something he wasn't telling me, but I pushed the thought away as I realised I had another option. _Alice_. In that moment, I was surprised I hadn't thought of her already. Sure, I'd love to take her with me; of all people she would be able to get me through it. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted her to go with me.

"But what about you guys?"

"Oh, we're planning on going back for two weeks in July with Ems," he said. "This trip will be all about you."

My mouth formed a small 'o' shape as he finished. I knew he was referring to the fact I was going to have to face the memories I'd been suppressing. There was no hiding from that anymore.

"I'll have to ask Alice," I said idly, already certain she wouldn't say no. "How much were the tickets?"

He waved his hand in dismissal. "That doesn't matter." He paused, looking a little hesitant. "The thing is, son, we've already sorted it out between her parents. We kind of just assumed you'd want to take her. We weren't wrong, were we?"

I shook my head; they certainly weren't wrong there. "Does she already know about the trip?"

"Alice? No. It's a treat for your birthdays. Besides, your mom and I thought it was probably best you were the one to ask her."

They had a point. As petty as it was, the thought of being the last to know didn't sit well with me. I brushed it to the side, though. That shit wasn't important. But as I went to turn away, another question came to me.

"Where will we be staying?"

"When your mother told Kathy that you and a friend would be going down to Houston together, she insisted that you stayed with her," he said. His voice was gentle now, as if he wasn't sure how I would react and his voice was softening the blow. "The offer is still open, but she'll understand if you don't want to."

I was silent as I digested the new information. We were going to stay in the house that held so many good and bad memories alike. Could I do it? I honestly couldn't tell, but at least I had another month to get used to the idea. Even then, I could still ask to stay in a local motel. That was my biggest consolation.

Nodding slowly, I tried to smile to show I was fine with the idea. But I doubted I managed it. I let it slide away as I told him I was going to call Alice and let her know.

Once I'd retrieved my phone, I dialled Alice's home number and listened to each ring. Her father answered, letting me know he'd fetch Alice for me. Seconds later I heard her walking towards the phone. For some reason, I held my breath. Because of the news about the tickets, I'd all but forgotten about the kiss.

Now that I thought about it, I was getting nervous. I hadn't talked to her since she left yesterday evening; I wasn't sure how she was feeling in regards to the kiss. Was she still thinking about it, too? Was she as nervous to talk to me as I was talking to her?

_Shit, Jasper, you said you wouldn't fucking over think things._

"Hey, Jas!" she said happily. I smiled as I heard her voice, feeling my body relax.

"Hey, Alice, are you all right?" _As __if __I __even __had __to __ask, __I __could __fucking __hear __it __in __her __voice __already_.

"Yep," she replied, confirming my thoughts. "How are you enjoying your birthday so far?"

"It's going fine, I guess. Mom and Emily went out earlier this morning, so it's just me and...it's just me and my father in the house." I couldn't even say the word to Alice.

"Oh right." She paused, and I could tell she'd sensed I hadn't been able to say the word, too. "So, what did you get for your birthday?"

"I got plane tickets to Houston," I told her, still unsure how to even process the thought.

"Wow," she breathed out, surprised. "Who are you going with?"

I smiled to myself, grateful she'd given me an opening. "Well, I was hoping you would come with me, actually."

She was silent on the other end of the line, before finally I heard her say, "Are you sure?"

"My parents are taking Emily in July, sometime. I'm really sure, Alice. If you're allowed, would you like to come to Texas with me for three days next month?"

I couldn't see her, but somehow, I knew she was smiling. "I'd love to. I just didn't want to say yes, in case your mom wanted to go with you. Just tell me the price and I'll give you my half of the costs."

"Apparently that's already sorted out with your parents," I told her, repeating what my father had told me.

"Really?" She paused to think something over. "They never said anything about it to me. What about where we're staying? Do we at least pay for that?"

"I don't know, Alice. My mom talked to Kathy, Maria's mother, and she insisted we both stayed with her and her family. But…I'm not sure I can do it. I've stayed in their spare room before, and I…"

I shook my head. "Fuck, I just don't know," I repeated. "What do you think? Would you be okay staying there?"

"This isn't about me," she said gently. "I'll stay wherever you want. All that matters is you're comfortable with it."

Yet again, I didn't know what to say. I knew she'd never say she didn't want to stay with Kathy, but had the tables been reversed, I'd rather have slept in the fucking streets than live with Robbie's family for a day.

I sighed, closing my eyes. What the fuck was I going to do?

* * *

**Alice POV**

I was going to Texas with Jasper. That was good. There was a good chance I was going to stay with Maria's parents. That…wasn't so good. I hadn't told Jasper, and I wasn't planning to, either. At the end of the day, it was his choice, and like I'd said to him on the phone, the only thing that matter was whether he was comfortable with it himself.

Yet, I couldn't help but answer his question in my mind. Would I be okay with staying there? I wasn't completely against it, yet I wasn't sure what was initially putting me off the idea, either.

Maybe it was the thought of staying in a house with people I didn't know?

But as soon as I thought about it, I realised that wasn't it at all. It was because they were Maria's parents. No two ways about it. It was because Jasper had pretty much grown up there, and now he was coming home after a year and a half with a girl they wouldn't know.

What did they think about that? Would they notice the connection between us? Did they know what brought us together in the first place?

It was stupid to even ask, but I couldn't help but wonder. After our kiss yesterday, it was plain to see our feelings weren't going anywhere. Who was to say things wouldn't be different by the time we go? Would we have to hide it from them?

_Alice! Stop!_

I shook my head, trying to shake the thought from my mind. They'd lost their daughter; of all people, they understood how important it was to move on. It was disrespectful to even consider them noticing our connection and not being happy about it, and I felt sick at the notion.

Pushing those thoughts away, I went looking for my mom. I had to talk to her about the trip. When she saw me, she seemed to guess what I wanted to talk about straight away.

"Mom, Jasper just rang. He told me about the trip to Texas." I paused when she nodded. "You didn't mention anything to me."

"It's meant to be a surprise, that's why. They rang me up a few weeks ago and asked if it was okay. We worked out in the end that we'd pay half each," she said, seeming pleased with this. I should have known that, of course, they would have asked my parents permission first before booking the tickets.

"Do you know where you're staying yet? They hadn't sorted anything out when they called."

"They're still deciding, I think. But it looks as though we'll be staying with Maria's family," I told her, this time, the notion didn't seem so bad. It was only when I saw her expression did I realise my mistake. I'd never told her about Maria.

"Who's Maria?" she asked, confused.

"She's..." I faltered, not wanting to lie, but knowing I couldn't tell her the truth, either. It wasn't my story to tell. "...a family friend of Jasper's."

"Oh, right. How old is she?"

_She __was __sixteen_. I did a quick mental addition, hating that I had to lie about something as serious as this. It made my stomach churn, and I just hoped Mom never brought it up when Jasper was around. "Eighteen."

Mom's eyebrows raised in surprise. "Wow, did Jasper grow up with her?"

I winced more visibly this time. It was one hell of a guess from her. One I couldn't reply to verbally. A nod was all I could manage.

"Well, that's nice, then." She smiled, as if the idea was perfectly normal. "I bet it'll be nice for them to catch up."

My chest tightened at how simple her words were. It hurt to know Jasper couldn't do anything of the sort, and when I knew it was getting harder to keep my expression neutral, I excused myself. I couldn't do it…lying about Maria, I just couldn't do it.

I made my way upstairs, taking a deep breath to calm down. Couldn't dwell on it for long; I still needed to go round to Jasper and give him his birthday presents. I'd bought him a few silly things for his bike - cleaning products. But it was the boots I was excited about giving to him.

A few weeks ago, he'd showed me how the sole was falling off his current pair. I'd asked him where he brought them from, and found out they were a specialist business who made custom made boots. I didn't know what Jasper preferred, so I had to ask Sylvia who knew the exact boots I should get him.

They were expensive, but worth it. They looked _amazing_, and the small 'A' on the heel made them unique. I'd pondered over the idea of having something else on there, but the thought of anything else made me cringe. The 'A' was small and simple, and it would always remind him of who'd bought them.

I just hoped he liked them. Once I'd finished getting ready, I gathered my bags together and made my way back downstairs. I shouted out that I was leaving, and then started on my way to Jasper's.

The walk was short, but allowed me to fully clear my head before seeing him. I was still a little nervous about what happened yesterday, but it was a good kind of nervous, one that made me feel excited.

His father answered the door seconds later.

"Hey, kid. Jasper's upstairs. Go right on up," he said as he held the door open for me.

"Okay," I said, smiling as I saw the stairs. Needing to pull my thoughts away from the kiss for a moment, I looked back at Jasper's father. "Thank you for inviting me to go to Texas with Jasper…it's a really nice idea."

"S'okay, kid. Like I said to Jasper earlier, I think it'll do him some good," he replied with a soft smile so similar to Jasper's. It was times like these when I saw how similar they were. I agreed, choosing not to say anything more before turning around and making my way upstairs. I wasn't sure why, but I really liked the fact he called me _kid_.

Jasper seemed to be waiting for me when I knocked on his door, looking inside. I paused in the doorway, biting my lip as our eyes met.

"Hey," I whispered, idling from one foot to the other.

He smiled and stood up. "Hi…"

"Happy birthday," I said, stepping towards him. For now, it seemed my initial fears about Maria's parents had definitely been pushed to the bottom of the pile.

When I reached him, I placed the bag on the floor and wrapped my arms around his waist. He returned the embrace, and for a moment, we stood together. As I pulled away, his fingers traced along my back. Whether intentional or not, I still shivered as I looked up to meet his eye.

"Thanks, Alice," he said softly, a simmering fire burning within his blue eyes. As cliché as it was, it took my breath away, and I had to use the excuse of grabbing his presents to pull myself out the reverie. As I straightened, my eyes landed on the photo frame sitting on his bedside table. For some reason, it looked as if the glass had been taken out.

I was going to ask him, but decided against it at the last minute and retrieved his present. I was slightly nervous about the boots, but Sylvia had told me which ones to get him, so he just _had_ to like them.

"Open your presents," I told him as I pushed the smaller towards him first. I watched as he pulled off the wrapping to the wax and polish set. The tension eased when I watched him smile.

"I've never seen a guy so happy to see cleaning products," I said, laughing. He rolled his eyes and went on to read the writing on the back.

"It's a guy thing, Alice. There's only a few things more rewarding than cleaning your own motorcycle for the first time," he informed me. "Thank you, Alice. I love this."

"You love it?" I asked, surprised. "That isn't even the main present."

"There's more?"

It was my turn to roll my eyes. "Of course there is more, silly. I'm not just going to get you stuff to clean your bike."

"It would have been enough," he said as he placed the cleaning kit on the table. I sighed at his selflessness, and passed him the box containing the boots. I bit my lip nervously as he glanced at the box, his eyes questioning.

"Open it," I whispered, quietly urging him on. I found myself leaning forward slightly as he lifted the lid. But he went completely silent as he stared at the contents.

"Please say something, Jasper," I said after he was silent for a while longer. "You're killing me here."

I watched as he slowly turned to look at me. The left side of his mouth turned up into a lopsided smile.

"You bought me new boots," he said, and there was a look in his eye that I couldn't decipher.

"What do you think?" I asked, my nerves dissipating. "Do you like them?"

He scoffed. "Of course; I _love_ them. How did you know which ones to get me?" A second later, he pulled them out of the box. "I so have to try these on."

I laughed lightly, telling him Sylvia helped me choose them. He seemed surprised by that, but shrugged it off as he pulled the boots on and stood up. I had to admit they looked pretty good. It seemed as if I, with Sylvia's help, of course, had picked the right ones.

"Thank you so much, Alice," he said as he walked around his room. "They fit perfectly."

I smiled as he came towards me. Without warning, he reached for me, taking my hands and pulling me from the bed. I let out a breathless laugh as he hugged me, picking me up off my feet.

I closed my eyes as I wound my arms around his neck tighter, deeply breathing him in. Hugging Jasper was effortless, and I found myself doing it nearly every day now. I needed it, I needed _him_. I craved our closeness. Without it, without him…I'd never survive.

* * *

**A/N: Far too much cuteness going around at the moment. Who's after something angsty? There's some coming up in the next chapter *grins* It's a little longer than usual because, well…everything's bigger in Texas, right?**

**Teasers go out to reviewers.**


	67. Chapter 66

**A/N: Chapter 66!**

**Anyone who has written a story can tell you there's usually one main point that _makes_ the story, and from there, you write around it. For me, there were three – Robbie, Maria and most of all, Texas. Or, more importantly, Jasper going home. I actually wrote a number of the Texas chapters back in 2009, when the story was only just coming together in my mind.**

**As you can imagine, these chapters are important to me. Can't believe I'm finally posting them.**

**While not all the lyrics fit with the chapter, I always think of _Home_ by Daughtry.**

**Finally, thanks to koko for pre-reading.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.**

* * *

**Chapter 66 - Houston, Texas**

**26th March 2010**

**Alice POV**

I'd just finished getting ready when I heard the knock at the door. It was just after six in the morning, and I'd been up since five, trying to get myself organised. Given the time, there was only one person it could be. Our flight was in a little over five hours, but we still had the three hour drive to Seattle.

"You ready to go?" Jasper asked as I greeted him. I nodded, signalling towards my room.

"My bag is upstairs. I'll go fetch it," I said, turning away.

He chuckled softly. "Let me get it. Knowing you, you've packed enough for two weeks."

"Only one,"I corrected, and smiled as I heard his muffled laughter. He appeared a minute later with my bag, disappearing outside just as Mom wandered into the hallway. I could tell she was about to get all teary eyed on me. She'd been up around the same time I was, hovering like a mother hen.

"You're setting off, then?" When I nodded, she gave me a watery smile. "It's going to be strange without you here."

"Mom, I'm going for four days. I'll be back before you know it," I reminded her as I went to say goodbye to Cynthia. She grumbled when I woke her up, giving a half-hearted goodbye before falling sleep again. When I came out, I found my parents standing outside talking to Jasper's father. As soon as I was close enough, Mom pulled me into a tight hug.

I gave Jasper a knowing look as she murmured, "Stay safe, honey."

"I will, Mom. Now let me go or we'll be late," I joked as she kissed me quickly on the cheek.

"Enjoy yourself," my father said, and then lowering his voice, he went on. "Send us a text when you land, just so your mom doesn't hover by the phone all day."

I agreed, and finally climbed into the back seat with Jasper. I kept my gaze on the house, waving until my parents went out of sight. I turned back to the front and greeted Jasper's father as I fixed my seatbelt. I glanced at Jasper once I'd settled, who offered a brief smile before turning to look out the window.

This wasn't going to be a holiday for him…this was a trip home. It would be the first time he'd gone to back to Texas, to Maria, in two years.

Reaching across the space between us, I took his hand in mind. He squeezed it silently, tangling our fingers together. The contact was enough for now. He knew I was there for him, and at present, that was all that mattered.

* * *

Jasper's father didn't wait around for long once we'd checked in. He still had the long trip back from Seattle, plus Jasper mentioned something about Jon having to work in the afternoon. Honestly, I think Jasper was relieved. There was still an awkward aura surrounding them when things got sentimental. Jasper hated goodbyes as it was.

When we were finally allowed to board the plane, I noticed there were no more than twenty passengers in total; the majority of which being businessmen with briefcases and laptops.

Jasper hardly said a word as the plane took off. I didn't feel like distracting him; I could tell he had a lot on his mind, and I didn't want to disturb his thoughts. If he wanted to talk about it, he would.

I bought myself orange juice from the on-flight meal service and sipped on it as we flew over what I assumed was Colorado. I tried sleeping, but I couldn't seem to get comfortable, no matter which way I sat. In the end, I gave up and decided to stare out of the window.

"How are you feeling?" Jasper asked, finally breaking the silence which had fallen over us.

"Tired," I replied, shifting my position. "I can't get comfortable."

"You'll be able to sleep when we get to Houston,"he said as he looked up at the air stewardess who walked past us at the same time.

We were going to stay with Maria's parents and her two little sisters. It'd been a hard decision for him; he still hadn't made his mind up until a week ago. It was only when he contacted them with our flight details did he finally confirm we would be staying with them.

I still wasn't sure what to make of it. Jasper didn't seem to object; though I got the feeling he wasn't telling me the complete truth. Whatever was bothering him, he was hiding it. I'd come to my own conclusion – he'd stayed in their spare room many times before, and those memories were playing havoc with his mind.

The worst part was I couldn't do anything about it. I knew what it felt like to visit the home of the one you lost – I'd been to Robbie's house only twice, and each time had been really hard. But Jasper was going to stay in her house; he was going to _sleep_ there.

It was impossible to even imagine staying at Robbie's house right now; I just wasn't strong enough. It was times like these where I truly saw how strong Jasper really was. He knew how hard it was going to be, yet he still agreed. Jasper would get through it, I knew he would…but that didn't mean I wasn't worried about him.

I couldn't really help it, and as I glanced at him, I could see the distant look on his face. All I could hope was he would let me in when the time came. After everything that had changed and developed between us in the past month, I had faith he would.

We'd grown even closer than before. While we hadn't kissed again, I'd found huge comfort in merely taking his hand. It didn't matter where we were, as long as I had some sort of contact, everything would be okay.

It was the same on my birthday. Everything had been fine until I started going through the various cards and gifts my friends had mailed. Reading their messages and hearing their voices when they called made me realise how much I missed having them around.

Thankfully, Jasper came to the rescue. He'd sensed something was wrong the moment he arrived, pulling me into his warm embrace almost immediately. Like always, he managed to cheer me up, surprising me when he produced a brand new iPod and a batch of cupcakes Emily had insisted on baking.

A few weeks before, I'd vaguely mentioned wanting to buy a portable music player for when I was walking to and from work. He'd decided there and then to buy me one, but he'd wanted to do something more, saying it wasn't enough just to present me with the player. It made me smile when he told me he'd personalised it – not only by creating a playlist of his favourite music, but also having my name added as an inscription on the back, just as I'd done for his boots.

I retrieved it from my pocket now, playing some of the songs to pass the time. Funnily enough, I found myself listening to his playlist more than my own, and today wasn't any different. His taste of music was different to mine, his being a mixture of indie and rock, but I liked it.

He must have heard what I was listening to, as when I met his eye, he was smiling. It was still weak; nothing like his usual smile, but it was coming back.

The seatbelt sign came on maybe half an hour later and soon enough the plane was coming in to land. I looked out the window as the plane taxied around the airport. From what I could see, Texas looked beautiful. I was sure I'd come back again one day.

I'd be with Jasper…it wouldn't mean a thing without him.

As we waited to get off the plane, I sent a message to my parents letting them know we had arrived and the flight went well.

Finally, we were allowed to get off the plane, and were directed to where we could collect our bags. Many of the business men were able to go straight through, as everything they brought, they'd carried on.

As Jasper and I waited, there was only one other family waiting with us. I grabbed a trolley from the side and watched as Jasper lifted our bags onto it before taking control and leading us to the final security check. I knew the further we walked, the closer we got to Mr and Mrs Benthram, who were waiting for us to come out.

I felt my stomach flip with nerves as I thought about what was about to happen. I took a few deep breaths, knowing now wasn't the time to lose it. Jasper didn't need to see that I was nervous as well.

While we queued, I started to fiddle with my clothes, trying to straighten out what was already straightened. I zoned out, trying to imagine what they'd say when they saw us. Seeing each other was a big moment for all three of them, I didn't want to get in the way of that, but I also wanted to be there for Jasper.

Hell, I just wanted to hold his hand. If anything, that would tell me exactly how he was feeling.

I snapped out of it, suddenly feeling worse when I realised my thoughts had distracted me from stopping to make sure Jasper was okay _now_.

"How are you doing?"

He let out a tense chuckle. "Like I'm about to throw up."

In that moment, I forced all my nerves and misgivings to the back of my mind. This wasn't the time for that; it was damn selfish to even feel nervous. Whatever Jasper was feeling, it was ten times worse, and I needed to be there to support him when he needed me the most.

"You can do this," I said, placing my hand over his.

He curled our fingers together. "You think so?"

"Look at me," I said, waiting until he complied before continuing. "I _know_ you can do it. You don't need me telling you how strong you are because you know all that already."

His eyes told me he wasn't so sure he was, but he didn't verbalise his fears as he put his arms around me, pressing his lips into my hair. I closed my eyes, resting my head against his chest. His heart was racing, and all I wanted to do was hold him until he was calm again.

But a moment later, we were called forward, and we had to split.

Once we were through, Jasper pushed our trolley towards the exit. As I followed, I wondered how hard it was for him to keep walking. Did his legs feel like they weighed a thousand tons? Or were they about to give way, all at the same time?

Jasper was tense beside me, and it was taking all I had not to reach out to him. With the crowd of people in front of us, I just couldn't do it.

I didn't see them at first, but when I heard someone call out Jasper's name from the crowd, I saw a couple standing together. I'd never seen a picture of her parents, hell, Jasper didn't keep his pictures on show, so I hadn't even seen a picture of _Maria_, but I still knew.

The mother was petite, only a few inches taller than I was. She was beautiful and had a slight Mexican inflection in her features. She had long black hair that fell past her shoulders. She came forward and pulled Jasper into a fierce hug. I couldn't see his face, but I gradually saw his body relax. It was then I got to see her husband.

He was almost the opposite of his wife in every way. He was as tall as Jasper, maybe taller. His skin was pale, and his hair was blond, almost white, yet the two of them seemed to fit together like two pieces of a puzzle.

Jasper shook his hand next as I stood a few feet away, staring at Jasper, watching for signs of distress.

"You must be Alice,"I heard a rich Texan accent say. I looked up to see Mrs Benthram smiling at me warmly. I nodded and tried to return the smile, still too focused on Jasper to realise I must have come across as distant. She completely surprised me by hugging me, too. Though it wasn't the same as Jasper's, it felt as though she'd known me longer than a couple of minutes.

"I'm Kathleen, but you can call me Kathy,"she said as she pulled away. I smiled more naturally than before, realising Jasper had been right when he assured me she was one of the nicest people I was ever likely to meet.

"I'm Chris,"the father said as he held his hand out to me. We shook hands, and in that moment, I knew everything I'd been nervous about in the past month was unfounded.

Jasper walked in front with Chris, who'd taken over pushing the trolley, which meant I was left to walk with Mrs Benthram – Kathy.

"I hope you don't mind me mentionin' this,"she began, breaking the silence between us. "Now I know it's not my place to pry, and I hope you're not mad at him for tellin' me, but Jasper explained what happened to the young man you were datin'. I didn't need him to tell me to know you've helped each other a lot these past couple of years. I remember quite clearly what Jasper was like before he left and…"

She took a deep breath. "What I'm tryin' to say is the difference is astoundin', and I just want to thank you for bein' there for him. I also want to say that…I'm glad you came with him today; it took me all of a few seconds to notice how close you two are."

We'd stopped walking by the same she'd finished speaking. It was the last thing I'd expected her to come out with. I hadn't realised I was crying until I tasted the tears on my lips. I didn't really know how, but I found myself being enveloped in her arms once again. This time, I hugged her with all I had.

There was a time when it would've bothered me by the fact someone had shared something so private without telling me, and had it been anyone else, I probably still would have been. But right now, I was glad he'd said it. Besides, this was Jasper, and I could never be mad at him for that.

As I opened my eyes, I noticed Jasper standing at the entrance, watching us. Seeing the look on his face, and feeling the way Kathy was hugging me, I knew things were going to be fine with us from now on.

"Ah, look at me," she said as she wiped at her eyes. "I promised myself I wouldn't cry. But I just had to get that out to you. I wanted us to be on level ground straight away."

I nodded, understanding completely. I was glad she'd told me now instead of waiting and letting it hang over our heads. When we both turned to the entrance, Jasper wasn't there. I didn't mention he'd seen us as we made our way out into the sunny afternoon.

When we reached the point Chris and Jasper were standing together, I met Jasper's gaze, silently asking if he was okay. When he nodded, I was relieved, though I knew we still had a long way to go.

It was silent as we got into the car. Neither of them said a word as Chris put the car into gear and began to drive towards the place I would call home for the next few days.

I didn't pay attention to the route. I sat back and thought about what Kathy had told me. Jasper explained to them both what happened to me; I assumed he must have told them why he was bringing me with him. I knew, at some point, I would have to thank him for it.

I wasn't sure how long the drive took, but I knew we were getting pretty close when we pulled off the main road and onto a smaller track. Knowing the house was going to be just down the end of the road, I turned to Jasper to see he was sitting rigid in his seat, not looking out the window.

Just as I had when we left Forks, I reached over and gently placed my hand over his. He glanced at me, wearing a tight smile, but didn't do anything else. Yet again, there was nothing I could say to him. Even if we were alone, no words could help him prepare for what was to come.

It was then, as I looked out the window, I saw the house come into view. It was pretty much what I was expecting – porch, a bench at the far corner, with bushes littering the edges. It looked picture perfect. It looked _surreal_.

Once Chris and Kathy got out of the car, I opened the door and stepped out, quickly moving around to the other side. Jasper was the last to get out, and when he did, he walked away, looking at something behind the house. I followed him, feeling Chris and Kathy watching him cautiously from somewhere behind us.

When I came level with Jasper, I saw a house, similar to this one, at the other end of the yard. It was then I realised what he was looking at…it was then I saw the large tree separating the two yards. Just below it, I spotted Maria's memorial stone.

Gently, I slid my hand into his. He squeezed it quickly before twisting his hand so they were palm to palm. Entwining our fingers together, I held onto it tightly, knowing I had to wait for him to make the first move. I didn't even look around; Chris and Kathy were all but forgotten about.

It felt as though hours had passed before he finally took a step forward. He took another, and then another until it got the point he couldn't take another step without dropping my hand.

I was prepared to let go first; I knew this was something he'd want to do alone, and I wasn't going to prevent that. But then he took another step, and his grip tightened as he pulled me along.

We walked a slow pace. I knew I would wait for him; I'd give him all the time he needed, and then I would pick up the pieces, helping to put him back together. He'd done it for me so many times before, but now it was my turn to do the same for him.

When he got closer to the headstone, he slowed his pace even further until finally he came to a stop and let go of my hand, carrying on alone. He took the last few steps, before his legs eventually gave way and he fell to his knees.

I watched as he reached out and ran his fingers over her name. I had to wipe my eyes from the tears before I could see his whole frame was shaking. It was then I heard the sobs escaping him.

His whole body shook as the raw emotions flowed, and I knew a part of him was breaking once again. It was painful to watch, to see the agony tearing through him anew. I knew the feeling; I knew what it felt like, and the ache in my chest was all too familiar.

I stumbled forward and knelt down next to him, wrapping my arms around his trembling body. He was crying harder now…he could barely hold it in. I'd never witnessed anything like it. It struck me then how much he sounded like a child, lost and alone.

The realisation made me hold onto him as tight as I could. If it was all I could, then in that moment, he had to know he _wasn__'__t_ alone.

After a while, I felt him shift next to me as he turned and wrapped his arms around my body. Together we poured everything into the embrace. I wasn't sure how long it took, but I heard Jasper breathe the word _thank __you_ as we finally parted.

He took my hand once again we returned our attention to the headstone. In the silence, I took in the details.

_Maria Kathleen Benthram_

_11th August 1991 to 26th April 2008_

_Aged Sixteen_

_A Beloved Daughter, Sister and Friend_

The stone was simple, but tasteful. There were various flowers scattered around it, some planted, some they must have placed themselves. Though he hadn't told me, I got the feeling Maria had been cremated, this being the only real memorial stone in her honour.

We both looked down at the stone in silence, until finally I felt him come back to me. He exhaled and squeezed my hand, signalling for us to stand up. He turned away, leading me back towards the house. When we arrived at the porch, I noticed Kathy was waiting by the door.

She smiled weakly, though I knew she'd been crying, and touched both our shoulders as we walked past.

"Your bags are in the spare room," she said, following us inside. "You can go on up there if you like; I'm goin' to make us somethin' to eat, but it won't be ready for a little while yet."

Jasper nodded, though I was certain he wasn't hungry. I thanked Kathy before she excused herself. When I turned back to Jasper, he was looking at something behind me. His eyes were stricken, and the tension had returned. This time, something told me I had to reach out to him.

"Jasper?" I said quietly. He didn't respond at first; it was only when I placed my hand on his arm did he react. He exhaled roughly, his turbulent gaze meeting mine. I wanted to ask what had triggered this…whatever it was, but he shook his head, almost as if he knew.

All I could do was watch him turn away and make his way upstairs. I followed him, finding myself in the upstairs hallway. While he didn't look around, I did a quick sweep. There were six doors altogether…only one of them was shut, and when Jasper visibly faltered as he walked past, I knew it was Maria's old bedroom.

I knew not to say anything as he looked away and led me into the bedroom at the end of the hall. It was a simple room, with two beds on both sides and a chest of drawers between them.

"The bathroom is just down the hall," he said absent-mindedly, not taking his eyes from the bed on the right side of the room. It seemed he was gone again, lost in whatever memories this room conjured up.

Putting myself in his shoes, I knew I'd want some time alone. After retrieving my toiletry bag, I silently slipped into the hallway. The bathroom was the second door along…next to Maria's room.

As soon I was behind closed doors, I leant against the wall and took a deep breath. I was exhausted. Not just because I'd been up since five; it was more than that. It'd been a long time since I'd seen Jasper cry, but even then, it was nothing compared to this, and I knew why.

The wound created by Maria's death had reopened, while it may well have started to mend itself, it never truly healed…I doubted it ever would. He'd move on, one day, but the scars would be there forever.

Moving to the sink, I splashed water on my face, ignoring my pale reflection in the mirror. I wanted to be alert for Jasper, today of all days.

After evaluating my appearance, I decided it was best I changed out of the crinkled clothing. They were a little muddy at the knees, and I didn't want to go down for dinner looking a mess.

When I returned to the spare room, I found Jasper lying on the bed. It appeared he'd had the same idea to change his clothes, as the ones he'd been wearing were now in a pile on the floor.

He didn't acknowledge me as I grabbed some clean clothes from my bag, but he was waiting for me when I stepped out of the bathroom five minutes later. The look in his eyes said he was sorry for being distant, but I sent him a look of my own. He had nothing to apologise for.

Once I'd dumped my dirty clothes in the room, we made our way downstairs. For the first time since arriving, I heard the voices of Maria's little sisters. Jasper barely had time to reach the bottom step before they launched themselves at him. I stepped around them as they chattered at the same time, both trying to get his attention.

It took all of two seconds to realise they were twins. They took after their father in all ways but one – they were tiny. I was certain they were older than Emily, but only by a few years at the most.

They didn't seem to sense anything off as Jasper talked to them, but I could hear the forced cheeriness he put on. He talked to them just as he talked to Emily – never letting them see he was struggling.

Finally he looked in my direction, signalling for the girls to acknowledge me. Their liveliness seemed to fade a little as they stared at me. Just like Emily, they were cautious of strangers.

"Alice, this is Nettie and Lucy," he said, signalling to each in turn. "Girls, this is my friend Alice."

When I smiled, they smiled back, offering a quick hello before disappearing from the room.

"How old are they?"

"Eight," he said, staring after them. "They were six when I left…I wasn't sure they would remember me."

He wandered in the same direction, standing in the doorway, looking at something I couldn't see. In the silence, I glanced around the room, noticing a row of photo frames dotted along the mantelpiece. My curiosity got the better of me, and I went to take a closer look.

There were a couple of the twins, but it was the family portrait I focused on. A picture of the whole family. The twins were maybe two of three, which meant Maria couldn't have been more than twelve or thirteen at the time. Unlike the twins, she took after her mother in every single way.

It was a bittersweet moment, seeing her for the first time.

When I finally looked away, a much smaller one caught my eye. It was a picture of two children holding hands. Leaning closer, I realised the blond boy was Jasper. Given the fact they were both in school uniforms I had to deduce it was their first day of school.

That meant Jasper was only five.

Maria was smaller than him, even then, with her long black hair in two plaits. She was beaming at the camera as she gripped Jasper's hand. Jasper, on the other hand, wasn't as recognisable. His hair was light blond, though the unruliness hadn't changed much. It was his eyes which were the most different, though. They were the bluest I'd ever seen.

"That was taken on our fourth of school." I jumped around to find Jasper was right behind me. "I was ill for the first three days. Maria refused to have a picture taken until I could be in it with her."

He looked completely torn as he stared at it. The wistful tone he used didn't mix well with the pain in his eyes. But before I could do anything to comfort him, he pulled his gaze away.

"I never showed you a picture of Maria, did I?"

I shook my head, quickly glancing at the family portrait. He followed my line of sight, but shook his head.

"No…I don't mean when she was younger," he said, turning towards a shelf at the far end of the room. Even from here, I could see there were more pictures. "Come on, I want to show you something."

As we approached, I soon realised which one he wanted to show me. It was a prom photo, but a close up of the two of them. Jasper was in a tux, while Maria was wearing a simple purple dress. She looked beautiful. They were smiling, though it was their eyes that caught my attention yet again. Both looked so bright and happy, and it made my heart ache to see how good they looked together.

"This was what I was looking at earlier. I hadn't been expecting to see my picture on the wall," he said, breaking the silence. "It used to sit on my bedside table, but after…I could hardly look at it. Yet when I was packing my things, I couldn't bring myself to leave it in some random box with everything else. So I gave it to Kathy just before we left…"

His voice trailed off, and for a full minute, he didn't say another word. I knew he was telling me this because he needed to talk about it. But it wasn't easy; all I could do was help him along.

"How old were you in the picture?"

"I was sixteen," he replied. "But she was only fifteen at the time. It was the only prom we-"

His hand flew to his hair as he broke off. He kept his eyes closed until he was finally ready to go on.

"At the time, she was having a break in her treatment. The doctors weren't sure whether it was wise for her to go, but in the end, they gave her permission." He swallowed heavily, his voice wavering. "She begged me to forget her illness, just for one night. All she wanted was to be happy."

I looked at him just in time to see a tear slip from his eye. Reaching up, I brushed it away with my thumb, my heart breaking for him all over again.

"She looked happy, Jas," I whispered, the lump in my throat preventing me from saying it any louder. He didn't say anything because he didn't need to; he knew she was happy.

His shoulders slumped as he looked away, closing his eyes. I wordlessly wrapped my arms around him, running my hands along his back when he returned the gesture.

I kept my eyes close in an attempt to not cry, myself. Even after all this time, I still couldn't begin to comprehend how hard that last year must have been for them. It was impossible to even imagine the pain he went through, was _still_ going through, every time he saw her face.

It was different with Robbie. While it was just as tough as it always had been to look at pictures of him, knowing I'd never see him again, at least I could say we'd been happy before he was taken away from us. At least he hadn't suffered.

Jasper hadn't been awarded that luxury, none of them had.

Gradually, I felt Jasper pull away. "It's time for dinner," he said, signalling to something behind me. I turned to see Kathy standing in the doorway. She hadn't said anything, so I knew she hadn't wanted to disturb us. When she disappeared back into the other room, Jasper ran his hands over his face before following her.

It was only when I saw the food did I realise how hungry I was. We ate around the table, the six of us together. Chris and Kathy made conversation, but mostly we remained silent. Even the twins didn't engage Jasper, obviously sensing he wasn't up to it.

When we'd finished, I stood and went to take my plate into the kitchen. But before I could move, Kathy stopped me, taking the plate with a smile.

"No guest under my roof does any of the housework," she said, stacking the rest of the plates on top of mine.

I smiled, watching as she wandered into the kitchen. Once again, I was reminded of Jasper's assurance…Kathy was lovely. But there was something off; it was only small, yet I still noticed it. I'd known her for a few hours at the most, but even so, it wasn't hard to see the weariness in her step sometimes or the look in her eye when she'd pause in whatever task she was doing. Even if just for a second, she'd remember her daughter, and what she went through.

For a mother, that was something she'd never forget.

I forced the sad thoughts away as I turned to Jasper. I wasn't sure what his next move was going to be. It was coming up to seven in the evening, and right now, all I wanted to do was lay down. The warmth and my now full stomach were making me drowsy. Jasper, never missing a thing, sensed this.

"You should go upstairs and rest," he said. "You look exhausted."

I wanted to say the same thing about him, but I got the feeling he needed some time alone. Nevertheless, I still had to make sure.

"Are you sure?"

He nodded, leading me towards the stairs. "Thank you, but you've done enough for me as it is. Go do something for _yourself_. I don't want you to stay awake just because of me."

"Tired or not, it makes no difference to me, Jas," I said, my fingers gently brushing hair from his eyes. "If you need me, I'm _there_."

Our gaze lingered for a couple of seconds before I turned away and made my way upstairs. It didn't feel right to leave him, but it was what he wanted, and I wasn't about to force my company on him. Besides, he wasn't a child, he could handle it. The last thing I needed was for him to assume I thought he was weak.

He was the furthest damn thing from it.

When I got back to our room, I quickly changed into a light vest top and a pair of bed shorts. The sheets felt cool against my skin, and within minutes, I felt myself drifting away.

* * *

My eyes fluttered open, and for a moment, I wondered what had woken me up. It was now dark out, so it couldn't have been someone moving around downstairs. I was about to close my eyes again, pinning it on something outside, when I heard it again.

_Jasper_.

I bolted upright and looked over at Jasper's bed. Even in the darkness I could see he was restless, yet the sound of his breathing indicated he was fast asleep.

As quietly as I could, I pulled the sheet back and padded across the room. The moment I saw him, I knew he was having a nightmare. There was a grimace on his face, a crease between his eyes, and the way he kept jerking in his sleep was really worrying. I'd never seen him having a nightmare; this was a side I'd never witnessed.

I hadn't had a nightmare in a while now, but Jasper was still having them. He was still haunted by the memory of her death. Though I was certain being back in Texas had triggered the nightmare, it didn't make much odds now. What mattered was what was happening in front of me.

Did I wake him up? Or did I let the nightmare take its course? Those were the two options I had, and I was torn between them, neither was the right thing to do, neither was the wrong.

He'd told me about his nightmare once before; I could remember the description as if it was yesterday. More importantly, I could remember the way he'd explained his fear of never dreaming about her again. It broke my heart a little to know his dreams, something which tormented him, were also something he clung onto.

_Did __I __pull __him __from __his __dream, __from __Maria_? As the question came to mind, I knew I couldn't do it. I couldn't take it away from him, no matter how hard it was to see him in distress.

My hand shot to cover his as he whimpered again. I didn't want to do anything to startle him - that would've been worse than waking him slowly. But I felt useless standing here. I needed to do something…I needed the contact.

It was stupid to think that, just by touching him, I could calm him down. Whatever was happening inside his mind wasn't something I could reach subconsciously. Yet I still ran my thumb over the back of his hand, whispering words he wouldn't hear.

A quiet gasp passed my lips as a pained _no_ escaped him. I crouched beside the bed, only then realising I was crying.

"Jas, it's going to be okay," I whispered, brushing away the tears so I could see his face clearly. His features were still contorted, and for a long while, I sat whispering soothing words to him, until finally, the crease between his eyes faded away.

His hand was slack once again, and I found myself breathing out a sigh of relief as I realised his nightmare must have come to an end. I watched him for a while longer; only standing up again when I was satisfied he was at ease.

Making my way back to my bed, I lay down in the cool sheets, wondering if tomorrow, he would tell me about his nightmare. If he did, would I tell him I'd woken up to find him in distress? Would I tell him I'd sat with him until he'd settled down again? I wouldn't know the answer to those questions, not yet.

Pushing the thoughts to the back of my mind for now, I closed my eyes hoping sleep would find me soon.

I was very nearly asleep when I heard something new. It was different to earlier, a shuffling this time, the movement of bedsprings. I opened my eyes once again and turned to look in his direction.

This time, he was unmistakably awake. I watched as he stood up and turned back to his bed, pulling up the sheets and grabbing his pillow. I watched curiously as he bundled them together and went for the door.

I half sat up, opening my mouth to say something. For some reason, though, the words wouldn't come to me, and I watched him leave the room. For a minute, I sat there, wondering if I should get up and follow him.

It was only when I heard the faint clicking of the back door opening did I get out of bed. Slipping out into the hallway, I made sure not to wake any of the Benthram family as I made my way across the hall and down the stairs.

I dreaded to think what would happen if any of them caught me walking around. With Jasper, it was okay, but me? I was still a stranger to them. I wasn't even sure how the hell I would explain to them why I was walking around their house in the middle of the night.

Luckily, I made my way downstairs without much noise and found the back door quickly. I held my breath as I opened the screen door, knowing the last thing I needed would be for them to catch me at the last hurdle. Not only that, I didn't want Jasper to catch me following him, either.

He wouldn't be angry at me, but still.

Finally, I managed to open the door wide enough for me to slip outside. Once I'd eased it closed behind me, I turned around to face the yard, trying to determine where Jasper had gone.

Slowly, my eyes adjusted, and with the help of the moon, I began to make out different objects. It was then, as I looked out further, that I saw him. He was laying out the sheet and pillow next to Maria's headstone.

I should have known he would go to see her. Where else would he go? The house had a new family living there, so he couldn't go home. After a minute passed, I still found myself watching as he lay down and held his hand out to touch the headstone.

The right thing to do was turn around and go back to bed, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. After a while, though, it started to tear at my heart to watch, so I finally turned away, not wanting to pry in such a personal moment. But I didn't go inside, deciding to perch on the steps, leaning my head against the railings.

I already knew I wouldn't go to him; he didn't even need to know I was here, not yet. I was going to wait, that was all, knowing when he _did_ come back he would find me here. In doing that, he would know I was there for him. Even if he didn't want to talk about it, which I was certain he wouldn't, I'd be here, no matter what.

I'd never seen him like this; it was all new for me. It had always been _me_ who visited the grave, _me_ who broke down as I came to terms with it all over again. But now it was Jasper's turn, and I silently vowed to myself that I'd be there for him, just as he always had been for me.

My eyelids started to droop after a while, but I didn't get up. Jasper hadn't moved from his position from the floor, and a part of me was certain he was fast asleep already.

Soon enough, it got to the point where I couldn't fight the drowsiness any longer and I allowed my eyes to close for the final time that night. The last image I took with me was that of Jasper lying with his hand resting against the headstone, something which would forever hold a piece of his heart.

* * *

**A/N: Returning home was never going to be easy for him, but it's something he's had to face for a while now. I hope you liked it – we're not going to see Forks again until chapter 71. Jasper's POV is up next.**

**I know a couple of you had queries about our pair staying with Maria's family, but I believe it's important for the both of them. It all works out for the best.**

**Teasers go out to reviewers.**

**On a random note, I went to the 100 Monkeys show in London on the 15th. If any of you have been to one of their shows, you'll know how f**king amazing they are live. Yes, I met Jackson Rathbone, but Ben Johnson stole my heart even more than he already had the instant he looked at me. I'm one happy Monkey Junkie right now.**

**Were any of my readers there?**


	68. Chapter 67

**A/N: Chapter 67!**

**Sorry for the wait, I was on holiday during the week I planned to update, and today is the first day I was free since starting college again.**

**I remember when I first wrote this chapter I was on holiday. It was in that week I first heard the song _Weight of the World_ by Lemar. Some of the lyrics really stuck with me, and now I always think of that song when looking at this chapter.**

**Thanks to my readers, koko23cat and idealskeptic for stepping in and helping me out.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything Twilight related.**

* * *

**Chapter 67 - Falling Again**

**26th March 2010**

**Jasper POV**

I always knew how hard it'd be to go back to Texas, but I'd viewed the idea from a safe distance. It wasn't the case of getting in the car and driving down; I had to book a flight, find accommodation and work out how I was getting to Seattle to catch my three hour flight. I was safe.

_Safe_.

That was to say until the flight, the accommodation, and the travel arrangements were all sorted out for me. I didn't resent my parents for it, though. Of all people, they knew how much I needed this. They also knew I wouldn't have done it without a little prompting.

Screw that, a shove in the right direction was what I needed.

Of course, I'd had a whole month to get used to the idea. Thankfully, Alice was there supporting me. The hardest decision, though, was whether we'd stay at the Benthram's house. It wasn't just me I had to think about, there was Alice, too.

Right from the start I found it hard to even imagine being in the same room as Robbie's family. I'd only had the one occurrence, and even then I'd bolted from the room at the first chance I got. I knew the reason for that was hugely defined by the fact I hadn't liked their son. But even so, what would Alice do had she been in my situation? She hadn't known Maria personally, and in the year and a half I'd known Alice, I'd hardly shared a thing about the girl I'd grown up with.

Did that just make it harder for her? I'd tried talking to Alice about it, but each time she'd merely brushed it off, telling me it wasn't a problem. I believed her. Though I knew she was nervous. Why wouldn't she be?

To be honest, I'd been waiting for Alice to change her mind and give me an excuse to find someplace else to stay. But she hadn't; she'd left me to make the decision, and deep down, I think she knew there was a small part of me that wanted this.

Even so, that didn't make shit any easier.

The last time I'd been inside their house was the day of the funeral. I hadn't been able to step foot in there again, despite the fact I'd seen it every day from my bedroom window. I'd barely been capable of looking in the same direction, and it was exactly the same now. All I could do was sit and stare at the headrest in front of me as Chris drove down the familiar road.

This place held some of my best and worst memories alike. The sick thing was every single one of my best memories were bittersweet; they always had something bad hanging over them. Memories of my father…memories of Maria…memories of Peter and Charlotte, and all the other friends I knew wouldn't talk to again. They were happy memories, but looking back, all they did was leave me feeling miserable because of the shit that happened afterwards.

It was thoughts like that which made me question whether this was a good idea, and why I'd ever believed it was in the first place. I was trying to force them away because that was the kind of shit which urged me to turn around and get back on the plane to Forks.

_Well, you can__'__t do that, Jasper, can you? It__'__s too fucking late now_.

I felt the warmth of Alice's hand pulling me back from the shadows that wanted to consume me. I focused on her for a while, knowing she was the safest thing to cling onto. My thoughts drifted from the few nervous ticks I'd noticed after we landed, to the way I'd seen her hugging Kathy after Chris and I wandered off to the car.

From the back, it could've been Maria she was hugging.

When I'd pushed that reflection away, I couldn't help but admit it had been a nice feeling to see them together. I'd always been close to Kathy growing up, and she became a second mother of sorts when my own hadn't been able to step up to the job herself. Even after everything she was going through, she'd still found the strength to be there for me.

It was things like that which made me admire her above all else. There wasn't a bad bone in her body, and I knew Alice would pick up on that immediately.

I didn't know what they'd talked about, and I probably never would, but I had a fair guess it was about the two of us. Both Chris and Kathy knew why I was bringing Alice with me; I'd told them in one of the various phone calls in the past month. While they didn't know everything, they knew enough to understand.

Yet again, it was Alice who brought me back to the present. When I chanced a look out the window, I knew we were getting closer. The turning was just along this road, and then we'd be there…

_Fuck_.

It all happened so quickly and suddenly we were pulling up outside the Benthrams' house. _Home_. I was home.

I found myself alone before I even realised Chris had turned off the engine. When I finally pulled myself from the car, I took the five steps I knew would take me where I needed to go, to what I needed to see.

From there, I could see them…the house, the tree, and the gravestone. There she was, my girl, waiting just as she always would be.

Alice appeared beside me, her hand seeking mine. I gripped it, relieved she was here. Had she not approached me, I wouldn't have been able to pull my eyes away to look for her. Now she was grounding me, I had everything I needed to face this…finally.

The hard part was getting my legs to cooperate and not send me running in the opposite direction. They felt like lead as I forced them one foot in front of the other, bringing me closer to the gravestone. _No_. I hated that word…it wasn't a gravestone – she wasn't buried here, it was a _memorial_.

After her funeral, she'd been cremated, scattered over the places she loved. It had been her wish even before the illness. She'd told me in one of those rare moments when we'd talked about the idea of death, and what would happen. At the time, we'd never anticipated _this_.

But she'd got her wish…and from the darkness, I could at least pull one strand of relief. I never liked cemeteries, and it would have been even harder had she been buried in one. This was the only place I could go to mourn.

I dropped Alice's hand when we were close enough and took the last few steps alone. I was crying before my knees hit the earth. It struck me from all sides as I brought my hand to her name, running it over the engraved letters.

My hand was shaking so much it was almost impossible to keep it there. I closed my eyes, trying to get a handle on myself before I completely fell apart, but the image behind my eyelids was her face, the moment I knew she'd finally drifted away.

After she knew what was coming, Maria told me not to be there when the time came; she hadn't wanted me to see it…yet, at the end, she'd asked for me. Only now did I know why she hadn't wanted me there.

A sob escaped as my eyes shot open to find the image was frozen in place…it was all I could see. There was nothing I could do to stop it, nothing I could do to erase the memory. My eye stung, the tears falling too quick as a broken shudder tore through me.

_Please…help me_.

It was then I felt arms encircling my waist, their grip tight, doing exactly what they were supposed to. _Alice_. She was holding me together and pulling me back from the edge, all at the same time.

When I was stable enough to return the embrace, I held onto her just as tight. I could feel her crying against my chest, and I knew in that moment she needed this just as much as I did.

"Thank you," I managed to utter a while later. She didn't respond because she didn't need to. I took her hand as we split, knowing I'd lose myself if I didn't have her to hold onto.

I watched as she read the engraved words, not knowing what else to do. I couldn't look…I couldn't read the words she was taking in for the first time. But it pulled me in, my eyes were drawn to the inscription I knew so well, and once again I was thrown into the memory of her last moments.

I could remember it as though it was yesterday. The way her weak grip had felt when I'd sat down beside her, and her faint smile, though fleeting, had brightened her eyes for a second or two.

She'd been at peace, at the end.

I exhaled roughly, distancing myself from the memory for the second time. I needed to move if I wanted to break free of its grasp; shit, we both did.

Kathy was waiting for us when we finally made our way towards the house. I think she said something as we entered; I nodded as though I understood, but the words escaped me as I looked around the familiar room. There were a few changes, as expected in the two years since I'd last been here, but it was almost as I remembered.

It completely threw me when I spotted a photo on the far wall that certainly hadn't been there before - a prom photo, one of me and Maria. I knew that because there was only one copy, and it belonged to me…used to belong to me. At one point, it sat on my bedside table, but I'd left it behind when we moved to Forks. The picture was important to me, but I could hardly look at it, and I didn't want to hide it away in a box. Though I'd given it to Kathy, I still hadn't expected to see it on display.

My gaze snapped to Alice when I felt her hand on my arm. I hadn't realised I'd disappeared into myself until I saw her eyes questioning me. I shook my head; I couldn't explain it to her, not yet.

My legs felt like lead again as I made my way upstairs. I knew how hard it was going to be to walk passed Maria's bedroom, but even I couldn't explain the sudden urge I had to pause and try the handle. I knew what would greet me if I did; I knew where everything would be.

Her room had been so _bright_ and happy; we'd shared so many memories in there throughout our childhood, yet now…it was just another room without her there to occupy it. The spare room was the same. It was _exactly_ as I remembered it. The same two beds, the same chest of drawers.

_The same memories_.

I muttered something to Alice about the bathroom, but didn't pay attention to her response, if she gave on. All I could do was gaze at the bed where my bag was propped against.

Over the years, Maria had started calling this _my _room with _my _bed being on the right. I'd spent so many nights here, though more often than not I'd snuck into her room once the lights were out. Even as a child, I'd found it easier to fall asleep in her bed because I could see my house from her window. Back then, something that simple could calm me down.

I was sure Kathy knew, even when I made the effort to go back to the spare room before she woke up.

Had I not slept in it since Maria's death, I would've made my bed on the floor. As small as it was, I found comfort in knowing the last time I'd done something, Maria had been alive, and comfort like that was very hard to come by.

The room was empty when I finally pulled my gaze away from the bed. I hadn't heard her leave, but I knew she'd disappeared to the bathroom. Her case was open though, and it gave me the idea to change into something lighter.

A minute later, I collapsed onto the bed, closing my eyes. I felt like shit. My head, my eyes, hell, everything _ached_. Right now, I wanted to roll over and sleep. But blocking out the world beyond this room wasn't going to get me anywhere. I needed to face it. Besides, I hadn't even seen Nettie and Lucy yet.

Though I was apprehensive they wouldn't remember who the hell I was, I'd missed them.

I did my best to ignore Maria's bedroom door as I waited for Alice to emerge from the bathroom. I could hear Nettie and Lucy downstairs, but I only ventured down once Alice was with me.

To my relief, the girls remembered me as though I'd only been gone a week. It was seeing them so chatty and comfortable with me that made me wonder how much they remembered of Maria. I had to turn my attention to Alice after that, knowing I couldn't keep up the façade for much longer.

They ran off after greeting Alice. I followed them, but paused in the doorway to watch. Had Emily been with me, I was certain they'd be inseparable. There was only a year between her and the twins, and the three of them had been put together since they were babies.

Much like me and Maria.

In my train of thought, I'd missed Alice wandering over to look at the various pictures on the far wall. My heart contracted painfully as I looked at them from afar, knowing what she was seeing. Though I'd seen them many times before, they were pulling me in, and soon enough, I was at her side, staring at my five year old self.

"That was taken on our fourth day of school. I was ill for the first three days. Maria refused to have a picture taken until I could be in it with her."

Maria had come down with chicken pox one week before we were due to start school. Our parents separated us to prevent it from spreading, but I hated being away from her knowing she was unwell. Having done it so many times before, it was all too easy to sneak passed Kathy.

Soon after, Chris had found us huddled together, whispering so we wouldn't be caught. Two days later, I'd woken up covered in chicken pox. Our parents had confined us both to our rooms after that. When the photo was taken, it had been the first time we'd seen each other in over a week.

I couldn't remember it very well. Childhood memories were faded now, weak, but all it took was the most basic of memories to make me miss those days with fervour.

Shaking my head, I focused on Alice.

"I never showed you a picture of Maria, did I?" I asked, knowing it was about time I introduced her to the girl I'd fallen in love with all those years ago. I caught her looking up at the family portrait, but I shook my head, leading her to the other side of the room. Maria had been thirteen in that picture; Alice needed to see Maria as I would always remember her.

"This was what I was looking at earlier," I explained, taking a minute to absorb every detail of the picture. I hadn't forgotten, but there were still things my memory hadn't done justice to, like the curve of her lips, and the strands of hair which had fallen out of place.

Maria was beautiful regardless, but that night, she'd looked absolutely stunning. As I explained the picture to Alice, there was a part of me that wanted to tell her everything about that night. How her dress had swirled around her as we danced, or the way her eyes had lit up as I'd leant in to kiss her. Even the way she'd whispered she loved me moments before we fell asleep that night.

I wanted to share with her every last detail so she knew Maria as I had. I wanted her to look at Maria and truly understand why I'd ran from it instead of moving forward because leaving her behind was too damn painful. I wanted her to know how special she was and why she'd captured my heart so wholly. But I couldn't.

Of course I couldn't because even the memories I treasured weren't going to measure up anymore. They would never fully encompass what made up the girl I loved, just as Kathy's wouldn't to the daughter she gave birth to, or Charlotte's to the best friend she'd confided her secrets in.

Maria was gone, and being back in Texas made that truth stand out even more than it already did.

* * *

After watching Alice disappear upstairs, I ventured onto the back porch and settled on the bench. Though I'd sent her away to get some rest, I also needed some time alone to think.

As I did so, I couldn't help but stare at the house across the yard. I couldn't even call it home because it just _wasn__'__t_ anymore. I'd been wrong when we first arrived. I wasn't home at all. Home was with my family, and I was starting to truly understand that home was wherever Alice was, too.

My thoughts wandered as I thought about what we'd be doing tomorrow. We were meeting Peter and Charlotte at eleven. At first, they'd asked if I wanted them at the airport, but I'd turned them down. It was hard enough seeing Chris and Kathy without adding two more to the equation, and I think they knew that.

They were aware I didn't want to rush everything in the first day I was here, which was why we'd chosen to meet tomorrow. I was too damn exhausted to see them now, anyway. I needed a clear head before I did that, and I just had to hope I'd be okay after I slept because I'd be fucked if I wasn't.

It was an odd feeling to know I was nervous about seeing them again. In some sense it should have been easier than seeing the Benthrams' because I'd been in contact with my best friends for well over a year since leaving Texas, but somehow that just made things harder.

Talking on the phone was one thing, but meeting face to face was completely different. Would I notice a change in them? How quickly would they notice one in me? There was no doubt in my mind that we'd all changed to some degree, and I couldn't help but wonder how that would alter our friendship.

Considering how things panned out the last time I saw them, I was having trouble imaging us talking the way we used to.

Thankfully the back door opened and distracted me from brooding about what was to come. I looked up as Kathy stepped out and sat down beside me.

"How are you?" she asked.

I ran my hands over my face, not really knowing how to answer. In the end, I just went with the truth. Because of her heightened role in my life during the last year I spent in Texas, I knew I wouldn't have a problem talking to Kathy.

"Honestly? I don't know." I sighed, taking my surroundings. "I always thought I had to come back to find what I needed to move on, but…now I'm here, it feels like I've taken a huge step back. I just...I don't know how I'm ever going to move on from this."

"You expect so much of yourself, you always have," she replied with a gentle sigh. "Sometimes I think you put too much weight on your shoulders, thinkin' you should be doin' more than you already are. But, Jasper, you have to remember you've only been back in Texas a handful of hours. You're keepin' it together pretty darn well, all things considered."

I looked away before she could see the doubt in my eyes. In some respects she was right, I probably did expect more from myself…but I had every reason to. I certainly wasn't keeping it together, though. In these five or so hours, I'd gone through a foray of my well known traits.

The only things I hadn't done were run away, or lose my temper. Everything else, I'd done. Crying, losing it in front of Maria's memorial, disappearing into myself for minutes at a time, not to mention the various freak outs and bouts of nerves.

If Kathy had seen all that, she wouldn't have thought I was keeping it together at all.

We remained silent for a while, both sensing that part of our conversation was over. It didn't last long, though, as she soon started asking me about Forks, and everything Mom and Emily had been up to since leaving. I didn't touch on any of the problems, and hardly talked about my father, but thankfully, Kathy didn't mention those subjects, anyway.

When her questions came to an end, I found myself looking at my old family house again. If I tried really hard, I could almost feel as though it still _was_ my home…that the light in my old bedroom was actually Mom sorting through my washing, and not the new family that lived there.

"Who moved in after we left?" I asked, still deep in thought. I knew Mom had sold it, but I never found out who it was. At the time, I couldn't care less that someone else was going to live in the house I'd grown up in. Only now did the idea not sit well with me.

"It was a young couple and their seven year old son." She smiled, looking across the yard. "They kind of reminded me of your parents, at first. Tia was only a year older than your mom when she had Ryan. He's such a sweetheart, and gets on with the girls so well."

She paused, contemplating whether or not to continue. When she did, I understood why she faltered.

"At the time, we mentioned that the tree was off limits. We didn't tell them why, but…I think they understood."

"So no one has been on it since…" My voice trailed off as she nodded. I turned my attention away, suddenly relieved to hear that. It meant I'd been the last person to sit in the tree. When I was with Maria…

I was close to losing myself in distant memories when I felt Kathy put her hand on my shoulder.

"I know how hard it is to be here after all that time," she began softly. "I just want you to know there's always going to be a home for you here, no matter what happens. You're like the son I never had, and I'm so glad you decided to stay with us."

I swallowed over the sudden lump in my throat, not being able to respond bar nodding. She smiled warmly, giving my shoulder a gentle squeeze before standing up.

"I'm goin' to head up; it's been a long day." I wished her a good night, and then watched as she went to go back inside. She was half in the door when she paused and turned back.

"Jasper, earlier you said you thought you had to come back here to find what you were lookin' for to move on. But, darlin', I think you already found it, you just don't realise it yet."

With that, she was gone, leaving no room to reply. All I could do was stare at the place she'd been standing moments ago. Her parting words left me speechless. I replayed them over and over, trying to work out what she meant.

I'd already found it? But what was it?

The fact she hadn't given me time to reply meant she wasn't going to take it any further. If I asked, I was certain she wouldn't tell me any more than she already had, silently letting me know I had to work it out myself.

It was still confounding me as I made my way upstairs twenty minutes later. Chris was still up and about; I'd had a quick chat with him, but hadn't idled. The twins were already in their room, and the door to the master bedroom was shut, which meant Kathy was resting.

The door to the spare room, however, was left ajar. I half expected Alice to be awake, waiting for me to come up. But as I entered, I paused in the doorway when I saw her fast asleep.

I smiled to myself, relieved she was getting some rest. She needed it just as much as I did. I felt myself drawn to her as I pushed the door to behind me. I paused at her side, gently pulling the sheet over her. She looked peaceful, and my smile widened at that, revelling in it.

In that moment, she didn't have any worries at all. She was just Alice.

"Thank you," I whispered quiet enough so it wouldn't wake her. "I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you."

With that, I leant down and placed a faint kiss to her forehead. She didn't even stir as I pulled away and retreated to my half of the room. I stripped away my clothes, knowing it was just muggy enough that my boxer shorts would suffice.

Thankful for the lack of noise, I pulled back the sheet and slid beneath it, feeling the coolness of a bed that hadn't been slept in for a while. I felt better as I allowed my body to relax, and surprisingly, it wasn't long before I fell into a deep sleep.

* * *

I jostled awake, moving quickly to untangle my legs from the sheet. I took a deep breath, trying to calm my racing heart. I'd had a nightmare, _the_ nightmare, except this had been a little different to all the others.

At first, she was still standing there, and just like always, I was doing all I could to reach her. But after a while, I just…gave up. Somehow she'd been expecting it because seconds later she raised her hand and smiled.

_It__'__s okay, Jasper_, she said, and for a couple of beats, we merely stood there looking at each other. Then, with the blink of an eye, she vanished. That was when I woke up.

_No, it__'__s _not_ okay_.

My hands were shaking as I sat up and reached for my phone. _Two thirty_. It was still so damn early to stay awake, but I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep in this bed again tonight.

Glancing out the window, I saw the clear night sky. In an instant, I knew what to do. After grabbing the sheet and my pillow, I quietly went for the door and made my way downstairs. Sneaking around the house in the middle of the night was all too familiar, and tonight wasn't any different.

I was still sneaking off to see Maria.

The cool air of the night felt refreshing against my heated skin. I made my way down the porch steps and hurried across the yard to the one place I needed to be – at Maria's side.

Later, I'd have to apologise to Kathy for getting her clean sheets dirty, but right now, I only had one thing on my mind.

"I'm back," I said simply, reaching a hand towards the cold stone. "Can you hear me?"

I didn't get any kind of response; I wasn't stupid enough to believe in any of that supernatural shit, anyway, but I still sighed, smiling, as though she could hear, and was lying down beside me. Just like we had when we were ten, and had snuck out to sleep in the yard.

A memory hit me as I looked up at the moon. It was about three weeks before she died, and for the first time in months, I'd snuck into her room once everyone else was asleep. It was a rare moment to find her awake, and for a couple of minutes, we'd talked about that night when we were ten, reminiscing about a time when things were so simple.

That night was also the first time I'd broken down in front of her. It wasn't something I wanted her to see. She didn't need to witness how her illness was affecting those around her, but at the time, there wasn't anything I could do to prevent it.

"I miss you," I managed to get out as I scrunched my eyes shut, trying to stop the tears from forming. Like most times, that was almost impossible. The ache was just all too familiar to ignore.

Time seemed to stand still as I lay there, thinking about Maria. At some point, I must have dozed off because the next time I opened my eyes, it was a little lighter than before. I sat up, stretching my stiff muscles. I didn't want to go inside, certainly not into that room where I had nothing but my mind to occupy me. Once Alice was awake, I'd be fine, I was sure of it. For now, I'd just sit on the porch until someone else woke up.

If I remembered correctly, Chris was an early riser.

But as I shook off the sheet and snagged my pillow, I saw something that hadn't been there before. I froze, and stared at the small figure huddled on the steps. _Alice_. She wasn't moving, and as I approached, it dawned on me she was fast asleep.

She must have woken up to find my empty bed; all she had to do was look of the window and see me outside. Or maybe she'd followed me, which was plausible as I hadn't looked at her as I left the room. It didn't matter either way. The fact she was out here, waiting for me was enough.

For a long moment I stared at her like a fucking idiot, finding it impossible to look away for even a second. Where did I go from here? Did I sit with her? Did I wake her up? Did I try and move her upstairs? I couldn't fucking leave her there, I knew that already. The position she was in was too awkward. But like earlier, she looked so peaceful, making it even harder to decide, and she needed a full night sleep. If I woke her now, she wouldn't go back to sleep knowing I was staying outside.

It took me all of two seconds to know I couldn't carry her upstairs, not without waking everyone up in the process. If I was being honest, if I somehow managed to get Alice into bed without waking her, I wouldn't want to leave her side, and I'd already come to the conclusion I didn't want to be alone in the room without Alice awake beside me.

So we had to stay out here…which left me with the same damn problem. _What should I do about Alice_?

When I finally remembered I had my bed sheet and a pillow, I quickly formed a makeshift bed on the porch. It wasn't much, but it was a damn sight more comfortable than her current position. Once I was satisfied, I knelt down and picked her up; she was so tiny in my arms, and barely stirred as I settled her onto the sheet. It surprised me, but had it been anyone else, I was certain she would have woken up.

I couldn't help but smile as I settled behind her, her back inches from my chest. For a second or two, I had the urge to put my arm around her, but I held back. That shit just wasn't right, especially when she didn't know I was here.

That didn't mean I didn't want to, though.

In the end, I merely watched her sleep, as I delicately brushed her hair behind her ear. After a while, I felt the drowsiness return, and I finally gave into it, taking the image of her into my dreams.

* * *

**A/N: Do you remember I told you about the Fandom for Heroes outtake I'm writing? Remember I said it was set three weeks before Maria died? Well, the memory Jasper has in the second to last section is the outtake.**

**We've got some Peter/Charlotte coming up in the next chapter. Finally, eh? Love those two.**

**Teasers go out to reviewers.**


	69. Chapter 68

**A/N: Chapter 68!**

**This chapter switches POV a couple of times, hence the wordiness.**

**Like I said a few chapters ago, I wrote the foundation of these Texas chapters right at the start. As you can tell, I've waited a long time to bring Peter and Charlotte into this story.**

**Thank you to my readers, idealskeptic and koko23cat.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

* * *

**Chapter 68 - Best Friends**

**27th March 2010**

**Alice POV**

I slowly drifted into awareness after what felt like a very long sleep. I didn't open my eyes as the light from the window seemed to shine right onto me, which was strange, because the bed didn't even _face_ the window. The mattress felt a lot harder than I remembered, too…

It was all of two seconds before I realised I wasn't in bed at all. I was on the…_porch_? My little rendezvous in the middle of the night came back to me. I could recall falling asleep on the steps. But how did I get here from leaning against the railing, and where did the pillow come from?

I rolled over to get my bearings, nudging into something right behind me. Only when I looked around did I find it was Jasper.

The moment was almost uncannily familiar. Waking up to find Jasper beside me…this time, though, I wasn't going anywhere. Besides, he was stirring in his sleep and he'd catch me before I could even sit up. I smiled when his eyes finally opened and focused on me.

"Mornin'," he said groggily, returning the most natural smile I'd ever seen. "Sleep well?"

"Sure did," I said, moving so I was flat on my back beside him. "I can't say I remember lying down, though."

He rubbed sleep from his eyes. "I'm surprised you didn't wake up when I moved you."

For a moment, I wondered what that'd been like for him. What had he thought about when he found me?

"You know Kathy's going to think something's wrong with her spare beds," I mused, enjoying his throaty chuckle in response. "What time is it, anyway?"

After a while, he sat up and glanced around. For the first time since waking up, it dawned on me he wasn't wearing anything but boxer shorts. I found my gaze lingering along the curve of his back, my fingers suddenly itching to trace his spine. I had to curl my hands into a ball to stop from reaching out to him.

"We should go inside soon, I bet they're already awake," he said a moment later, looking down at himself. "Shit…I should put some fucking clothes on."

At his words, I burst into a fit of laughter. When he grinned at me over his shoulder, I knew today was going to be a much better day.

The smiles were still lingering on our faces when we wandered inside a few minutes later. As predicted, both Chris and Kathy were awake and eating their breakfast. Neither of them were surprised to see us, and I soon realised they must have found us while we were still asleep.

I felt my cheeks heat up as I clutched the pillow a little closer to my chest. This wouldn't have been so embarrassing if it wasn't for the fact Jasper was _half naked_. What the hell must they be thinking?

"Good mornin', you two," Chris said, nodding at the both of us before focusing on his breakfast once again. From behind him, I watched Kathy turn away with a smile on her face.

"I'm going to head upstairs and get changed," Jasper said, a little awkwardly as he ran his hand through his hair. After shooting me a sideways glance, he quickly walked away. I watched him leave, wishing I'd taking my chance and gone with him.

I looked back at them as Kathy started speaking. "You're meeting Peter and Charlotte today, right?"

Thankful she'd started a conversation; I glanced at the clock to check the time. It was just after nine in the morning.

"We're meeting them at eleven," I told her. I mentally hedged, wondering how I could make my escape. "I probably should start getting ready soon."

She smiled a true motherly smile that said she knew I was uneasy and didn't want to prolong it. "On your way up, you can let Jasper know you've got some breakfast down here whenever you want it."

I nodded and quickly made my exit. I was about halfway to the staircase when I heard their hushed voices coming from the kitchen; I hurried up the stairs just so I didn't overhear.

The door to our room was ajar. I paused behind it. "Are you decent?" I called out, resisting the urge to look through the cracks.

"Just about." He laughed. "You can come in."

When I entered he was rummaging through his bag, still in just his boxer shorts. I had to look away when he turned to me, clothes in hand. When I told him about breakfast, he nodded.

"I think I'll wait an hour before facing them again," he said, shaking his head. "That shit was awkward."

I inclined my head, agreeing, glad it hadn't sent him into a bad mood. "It wouldn't have been so bad if you weren't half naked."

He paused in the doorway as I finished. With an arched eyebrow, he deliberately looked me up and down. "I think that goes for the both of us, don't you?"

At that, he left the room, leaving me to recover alone.

* * *

I looked around anxiously, taking in the faces of those walking in our direction, wondering if one of them was Peter or Charlotte. After having a quick breakfast, we'd made our way to the park where we'd planned to meet.

I'd been fine about it until Jasper told me a bit about them, sharing a few stories from their childhood. Naturally, they all included Maria. After that, I started getting anxious. It was meeting the Benthrams all over again. I was trying to force it away because I could tell Jasper was really nervous; it had been obvious when we left the house. But this time it was a little harder for me to suppress.

"What's wrong?"Jasper asked after noticing I'd been fidgeting in my seat for the last few minutes. At first, I wasn't sure whether to tell him the truth. Brushing it off as nothing was all too easy.

In the end, I decided to say it. "I'm just nervous, that's all."

"Why?"

I bit my lip. "What if they don't like me?"

"What make you think they won't like you?" he asked; a soft laugh escaping. I stared for a long moment, knowing the instant I tell him, he'd reassure me my worries were unfounded.

"I don't know," I mumbled, diverting my gaze. "It's just…they're here to see you, not me, and I don't want to get in the way of that."

He sighed, shifting a little closer so he could take my hand. "Alice, they're coming here to see the _both_ of us. I know for a fact Charlotte really wants to meet you, she said so herself. Besides, they know who you are, and they'd be crazy to not like you."

I looked at our joined hands, focusing on them for a moment or two. I knew I should listen to him; I just couldn't help but think that when Jasper moved to Forks, it was _my_ friends he was meeting for the first time, a damn sight more of them, too. It wasn't hard to miss the fact he hadn't reacted like this. Now the tables had turned and I was losing it.

I shook my head, shaking the thoughts away. "Sorry, I'm being stupid. This isn't about me at all…they're you're best friends, not mine. If anyone, it's you who should be nervous, yet you're the one doing the reassuring."

"Your nerves are distracting me from my own, so focusing on you is the only thing I want to do right now," he said, surprising me by brushing some hair behind my ear. His fingers lingered for a moment or two. "But stop worrying, okay? Yes, they're my best friends, but I know them, and I _know_ they'll fucking love you."

A smile found its way onto my face as I leaned into his touch. When I met his eye, we were closer than I first thought. My breath faltered, his fingers idling on my cheek.

For a second I was certain he'd leaned forward. It was so gradual I wasn't sure he'd even moved, but I couldn't help but wonder whether he was about to kiss me.

I wanted him to…I could feel it, I really wanted him to and I leaned a little closer myself.

From the corner of my eye I saw someone approach. He was alone, though. It was only when I glanced at him for merely a second did I realise he was looking right at us. I didn't recognise his face, but the pale blond of his hair was a dead giveaway. The only time I'd seen him was during Jasper's home video, and it seemed it hadn't changed much from when he was thirteen.

_Peter_.

Seconds later, Jasper knew and turned to face him. His expression dropped, his nerves shining through. But when I glanced at Peter, for the briefest of moments, he looked exactly the same.

Finally, Jasper broke the silence. "Where's Charlotte?"

"She's by the kiosks," he replied, pointing behind him. His voice wasn't as deep as Jasper's, but his accent was stronger. "You know what Charlotte's like, she thought it was best I came down here alone."

While Jasper nodded and tried to make her out in the distance, I speculated whether they'd come separately so they didn't overwhelm Jasper. But as I thought about it, I knew that couldn't be the case. How would they know Jasper didn't like confrontations of any kind? There had to be another reason.

"I'll go get her." Jasper stood up to leave. It was only when he dropped my hand did he realise we'd yet to be introduced. The awkwardness of their greeting was almost painful. "Alice, this is Peter, Peter this is my friend Alice."

Peter nodded at me, taking a seat once Jasper had given me a quick nod and wandered off to look for Charlotte. Neither of us said anything for a couple of seconds while I watched Jasper walk off; it was Peter's voice that made me look away.

"It's nice to finally put a face to the name."

I nodded once. "Likewise."

"What?" In an instant his expression had fallen. "Hasn't he showed you a picture of us before?"

_Shit_.

I opened my mouth to say something but the words wouldn't come. What the hell did I say to him? I felt guilt curling at the base of my stomach as I realised I'd just dropped Jasper in it. Intentional or not, If Peter decided to call him out on it, Jasper would have to explain something I knew he'd rather not. I thought of the home video, but decided against that, too, in case he brought that up as well.

"Jasper never had his pictures on show," I said quietly, wanting to explain how it was too hard for him to look at them, but also not wanting to make excuses. "I never asked him to show me."

It seemed Peter understood, but he still had a faraway appearance as he diverted his gaze and looked away. Everything about it reminded me of Jasper, but it didn't last long, as soon Jasper had returned, this time, with Charlotte beside him.

Her hair was a similar colour to Peter's, though their height was the complete opposite. She was a lot shorter than Jasper, only just reaching his shoulder. At a guess, she was probably no taller than I was, and I wondered whether that was what Jasper and I looked like when we were together.

Jasper introduced us, and then returned to his seat beside me. As he sat down, his hand brushed mine for a second or two.

Silence fell once Charlotte took the seat beside Peter. I felt my nerves returning a little, wondering what their first impression was. This time, however, it was easy to sweep aside. One look at Jasper was all it took. He looked nervous on the outside, but his eyes told me so much more.

He didn't know what to say, but he knew there was a lot he had to talk about. Was the way they were looking between us making him uneasy? Did it make him want to run? I couldn't tell, but I knew he wouldn't, no matter how strong the urge became.

"You look different to how I imagined."

It was Charlotte who'd broken the silence; she was looking at me now, smiling. I smiled back but held my tongue, remembering what happened when Peter had said something similar. I looked at him momentarily, knowing this was his chance to bring it up.

When he didn't, I relaxed a little.

"This is a first," he said instead, "Us not sayin' a word to each other."

As soon as Peter finished, I knew I had to give them some space. My presence wasn't helping…I wasn't the one they had to talk to and I was certain the two of them wouldn't feel comfortable talking about it in front of me. I stood up before it could stretch on any longer.

"I think I'll go for a walk and leave you guys to talk."

Jasper met my eye immediately. "You don't have to go."

"Now, we both know you're just saying that," I said, smiling. "I won't go far. I'll call my mom or something. No doubt she's waiting for me to tell her how it's going, anyway."

When he returned the smile, I saw him relax somewhat. Feeling better about leaving his side, I turned my smile to Peter and Charlotte before finally I left them to it.

As I walked away, I got the impression he was still looking at me.

It was my father who answered. We talked for a little while before he passed me over to my mother. She barely let me speak before firing a series of questions at me. I'd just about answered them all when I saw someone approach the bench I was sitting on.

Saying a quick goodbye, I looked towards Charlotte. Assuming Jasper had sent her to come fetch me, I started towards her. When she didn't turn back again when I reached her, though, I knew she was here for something else.

"Want to go for a walk?"

I looked behind her to where Jasper and Peter were sitting. From the corner of my eye, I saw her doing the same. I wasn't going to decline her offer, but it made me curious why she would rather walk with me than sit with them.

"I've said what I had to say," she went on, answering my inner question. "He knows I forgave him a long time ago. It's Pete he's gotta talk to now; even I can't be there for that."

I nodded, trying not to think about why she had to forgive him. Apart from leaving without saying goodbye, there was a lot about their friendship I didn't know about, and I never _would_ know.

As we started walking, I knew I just had to let it go. It wasn't my place to ask, and besides, I didn't _need_ to know.

* * *

**Jasper POV**

We watched as Charlotte wandered off in search of Alice. We both knew why she'd left us to it – we needed to talk, and even she couldn't be there when that happened. But now she was gone, we were sitting in silence.

I fucking hated the silence.

With Alice, silence was comfortable; we could sit together quietly without any problems. But Peter? It felt fucking unnatural. Save for the months surrounding Maria's death, we rarely had a silent moment.

Yeah, Charlotte was right; this shit _was_ painful to watch.

"You cut your hair since you left?" he asked. I glanced at him; coming from Peter, I knew where this was going. "If it gets any longer, I'm gonna have to start callin' you Jasmine."

Though the joke was a little flat for his standards, I still laughed because it was typical Peter to give me shit. My hair wasn't even that long, but that alone was more familiar than anything we'd done in the past two years. Even so, he'd only said it to break the tension because he didn't know what else to do.

Thankfully, he'd give me an opener. "Here I was thinking _I_ was the one who said shit to change the subject."

A ghost of a smile spread across his face. "What do you want me to say?"

"You've got nothing _to_ say to me," I said, sighing. "I'm the one who has to apologise."

"No you don't." He shook his head. "You've already apologised for all that."

I snorted. "You mean that voicemail message I left you? Pete, I was fucked back then, that wasn't gonna cover even half the shit I did the last time we saw each other."

He was quiet for a moment; I could tell he was thinking about it. What happened was fucked up, and it was no surprise he hadn't come back. I'd felt bad in the following weeks, but I'd never made the effort to say sorry.

There just wasn't enough left of me to apologise.

"Yeah, but I didn't exactly make it any easier, did I?"

"Don't do that," I said sharply. "Don't try and take some of the blame. You were pissed because of the way I treated Charlotte, and you had every right to be. But the shit I came out with was uncalled for and you know it."

We held our gaze for a couple of beats; it was enough for me to see he still agreed with me. After everything, I'd call bullshit if he tried to deny it.

At the time, our confrontation had coincided with the week I'd been angry with Maria for dying. Neither Peter nor Charlotte knew anything about it, and I was glad they hadn't found out. I didn't want them knowing that person because he sure as hell wasn't me.

Unfortunately, they'd still seen a side of it. It hadn't been as bad for Charlotte; even through the foulest mood I was in and the shit my mind was conjuring up, I still hadn't been able to really hurt her in ways I knew I was capable of.

I hadn't told her how every word she said made me sick to the stomach, or that I could hardly bear to look at her without wanting to slam the door in her face. The damage was done, though. I'd simply cut her off midsentence, telling her to fuck off. I hadn't even looked her in the eye.

I'd anticipated Peter.

The house was empty when he came by; not that Mom would have been able to stop it from happening.

He was furious at me for upsetting her; I could be a dick to him because he could take it, but not her. She didn't deserve it, and deep down, I must have known it. Why I didn't let it sink in at the time, though, I'd never know. I should've let him have it out and be done with it. I shouldn't have reacted when he told me Charlotte didn't want to lose another best friend.

_You already have. So why don't you just move on and leave it behind like you have Maria_?

Looking back, I wasn't sure I even believed that the moment it passed my lips. At the time, I'd spat the words because he'd looked as I always remembered him, while I was next to unrecognisable. But I'd never forget the look on his face, or the way he shoved me back, knocking me to the floor.

_What the fuck is wrong with you_?

The anger in his voice had poorly disguised the hurt he was feeling. That was the last thing he said to me before walking away. I'd watched him leave, knowing my words had hit the mark and truly served their purpose. I'd successfully pushed him away. He was like a brother to me, one of the few people who knew Maria like I did…and I'd pushed him away.

"I didn't mean it," I said, staring at my hands. "I was just trying to push you away like I did everyone else."

"Well, it worked."

I exhaled roughly, leaning back on my chair. No apology was ever going to amount to that, but I had to make a start.

"I'm sorry." I looked at him, waiting to meet his eye. "I really am."

As he nodded, the sombreness of his expression gradually faded out, until the barest hint of a grin began to replace it.

"From the bottom of your heart?"

This time, the laugh was effortless as I flipped my middle finger at him. We were never any good at the sentimental side of our friendship. We had to take what we got, and the fact he was joking around was his way of letting me know I was forgiven. To be honest, I think he'd forgiven me a long time ago.

That was good enough for me.

Unlike before, the brief spell of silence was more comfortable, and I took the time to scan the area for signs of Alice and Charlotte. Since she'd walked away, I hadn't followed where they headed off to.

"So, you and Alice, huh?" Peter said, bringing my focus back around.

I eyed him cautiously. "What about us?"

"You two seem pretty close," he went on, shrugging when he caught the look on my face. Shit had a tendency to turn ugly when people started talking about how close Alice and I were, and I could already feel the walls building up around me.

"_So_?"

_Knock it off, Jasper. This is Peter you're talking to_.

Whether he was ignoring it, or he just didn't recognise my tone of voice, he studied me with a challenging look in his eyes. There was something else he wanted to say, and knowing him, he wasn't going to stop until he'd said it. He never let shit go until it was out in the open.

In the end, I caved first. His staring was starting to piss me off. "Whatever you're thinking just spit it out already."

"Fine." He held his hands up, smirking, as he swung onto the two back legs of his chair. "You like her, don't you?"

The tables reversed, and this time it was my turn to study him. I could see it on his face; he already knew the answer, he just wanted me to say it out loud.

I sighed, fighting the urge to scowl. "Of course I fucking do."

It felt strange the moment the words were out. I'd never said it so directly before, not to anyone. Somehow, talking to Peter was easier, and it was a comfort to see that hadn't changed.

"Does she know?"

"Yes." I paused, knowing that wasn't the complete truth. "Sort of. It's complicated right now."

"Complicated, how?" he asked, but didn't give me time to respond. "You two seemed pretty close earlier. Looked like you were gonna kiss her."

I was silent as I diverted my eyes. I didn't have anything to say because honestly, I think I would have had he not interrupted us.

"Wait…you have, haven't you?" When I shot him a sideways glance, he started laughing. "Wow, that shit _is_ complicated. Apart from the obvious, what the hell is stoppin' you?"

Once again, I couldn't answer him. What was stopping us? Was it because New Years was months ago, and I wasn't sure where _we _stood? Was it because I wasn't in the position or frame of mind to actually ask her?

Deep down, I knew all that was bullshit, and I was just being a fucking coward.

When I didn't respond, he patted my shoulder sympathetically. "Is it performance anxiety?"

I turned to look at him slowly, incredulity spreading across my face. _Performance anxiety_? _Was he fucking serious_? He saw my expression and snorted with laughter. It was short lived, though, as I kicked his chair leg, making him jolt forward onto all four.

"Jerk," he muttered, glaring slightly as he tried to shove me out my seat. I easily dodged out of his way and settled back into my seat. For a moment we were silent again, and when he finally started talking about something else, I felt something I didn't feel too often.

_Comfort_.

There was still a way to go before we could admit to being as we always were, but there were some things, I realised, that really couldn't change, no matter how far apart we were.

The force behind our friendship was one of them.

* * *

**Alice POV**

My thoughts were still across the park from where we were walking when Charlotte broke the surprisingly comfortable silence between us. "Pete will hate me sayin' this, but he was really nervous about seein' Jasper again. It's why I sent him ahead; if he had his way, I'd have done all the talkin'."

Thinking about my earlier speculation, this one made perfect sense. To be honest, it actually made me feel better. If Peter was nervous too, somehow I think it would make things easier for Jasper.

"Jasper was nervous as well," I replied, wondering if she'd seen it herself. "But I think he was doing everything he could to ignore it."

She laughed to herself. "Yeah, that's sounds like Jay."

_Jay_? I'd never heard anyone call him that before. It was always Jasper or _Jas_. Strangely it comforted me to know they had their own nickname for him. Just proved how close they were.

In my reflection, I hadn't realised we'd fallen into another minute of silence. Luckily Charlotte didn't seem bothered by it.

"I wonder whether they're talkin' properly," she mused a little while later. "Pete's usually pretty good about facin' things, but anything like this and he loses his tongue."

That made sense. His lack of response when he first appeared was enough proof, as any.

"I thought this earlier, but…" I paused, thinking how best to word it. "I actually think that will work in their favour. Jasper hates it when someone forces him to talk about something he's struggling over. At least this way, they can work with one another."

She nodded, deep in thought. "I do hope you're right. Not that I don't have faith in them, or anything. I just…I worry too much, I guess."

I laughed quietly to myself. I couldn't blame her. I was worried about Jasper myself, but she had the both of them to think about.

"We can start to head back, if you want?"

But she shook her head. "No, they won't be ready yet. They have to be laughin' by the time we go back there."

I was a little sceptical of her request. _Laughing_? I didn't know how likely that was, and I didn't do a very good job of hiding my uncertainty. She chuckled when she glanced at me.

"You look like you don't think that's possible." She waved me off when I tried to apologise. "I can't fault you there. I just know what they're like. Whenever there was something bad, they'd joke around to break the tension. I can see them doin' that now. It suits them, though. I mean, they're practically brothers. At least, they used to be."

I felt a rush of sadness as I reached out to comfort her. I couldn't imagine what it felt like to see them grow apart the way they had. There was really nothing she could do.

"They'll get back to that eventually, I know they will," I said gently. They both wanted the same thing, and I knew for a fact Jasper missed his best friends. He wouldn't have been so nervous if he hadn't wanted things to return to how they once were.

"I know. I'm just being unreasonable and wanting it to happen straight away." She sighed, crossing her arms. "You know, Jay was Pete's first real friend. He comes from this real small family, no cousins or anything. Growing up, his school friends were really all he had. Jay was the same until Emily came along."

"Sometimes that's all you need when you're younger," I replied, thinking of my own childhood and what I'd had with Robbie, Bella and Rosalie in the years before Emmett moved to Forks.

"True. I think that's why he's so nervous about it. They've been friends for longer than any of us. He doesn't want to screw this up."

"He won't, though," I countered. After everything, I couldn't see that happening at all.

"Oh, I know that," she said simply. I'll have to knock their heads together if they did."

I laughed despite the serious topic. I was really starting to like Charlotte. It was clear how much she cared for Jasper, and it wasn't hard to see why he was so close to her. In truth, though, it only made me think about what it was like when she found out he'd moved away.

I couldn't even bear the thought myself. If it were me, it would've torn my heart to pieces if he suddenly disappeared. Of course, our relationship was different to theirs, and my feelings for him were the complete opposite. I was certain I wasn't far off, though, regardless of the differences, and in the silence, all I could think of was to ask her.

"Can I ask you something?" I said when I finally found the courage to speak. She signalled for me to go on, and I silently wondered whether she knew it wasn't going to be an easy question to answer.

"Before I say this, you don't have to tell me." She nodded once. I took a deep breath. "What was it like…when he left? I only know what it was like when I first met him."

She didn't answer for a long while, and I didn't force her to. We stopped at a picnic bench, sitting opposite one another. She fiddled with the sleeve of her shirt, clearly trying to find the words.

"We found out at school, of all places," she finally said. "Pete had to hear it from his teacher; I heard it through passing gossip. We were quite a big school, but everyone in our year knew what happened to Maria. They were still givin' me a wide berth as it was, but they looked like they wanted the ground to swallow them up when it became clear I didn't have a clue he'd gone."

She shook her head, not meeting my eye. "I can't tell you what it was like. But imagine you'd lost one of your best friends, only to find you'd all but lost another a few months later. What would that feel like to you?"

My chest tightened at her words. _I don't need to imagine it, Charlotte. I _have_ lost a best friend_. But I knew nothing of losing another the way Peter and Charlotte had lost Jasper.

It was only as my thoughts caught up with me that it dawned on me…she didn't know about Robbie. I'd paid no thought to it, assuming they knew, assuming Jasper had told them, just as he had Chris and Kathy.

Looking back, I realised how wrong that was. Though I wouldn't have been angry, I knew Jasper wouldn't have told them because I wouldn't – no, I _hadn't_ told anyone about Maria. It wasn't my story to tell, and it was the same for him.

It felt strangely soothing to know I was just Alice here.

"I can't imagine losing someone like Jasper," I admitted, looking away now, too, as I thought about one of my worst fears. "I don't know what I'd do if I lost him."

She appraised me for a silent moment. When I met her eye, she probably saw something she hadn't before.

"I can see how much you care for him," she said, smiling slightly. "And he adores you, you know. I can see that, too."

"The feeling's mutual," I replied honestly, knowing it was an understatement compared to how I really felt about him. But it was enough when he smile widened a fraction.

"I thought as much."

A moment of silence fell over us again, but it didn't last long at all. I'd known there was something she wanted to say the moment she finished; all I had to do was wait.

"It's a real comfort to know he has you, Alice, and I just want to thank you for bringing him back," she said quietly. I couldn't respond. There was something in her voice that told me she wasn't just referring to Texas. It was more than that, and the strength behind her words touched me.

In the end, all I could do was nod.

When the moment passed, Charlotte pulled herself to her feet. "Come on, let's go back."

I checked my phone as we walked, noting we'd been gone half an hour. When I'd asked her if she thought they'd had enough time to talk, she merely replied with, for them, it was. I was still hesitant of what we'd find when we returned, but as we got closer, I realised my worries were unfounded.

They were laughing.

Jasper sobered a little, continuing to talk. I couldn't hear what he was saying; we were still too far away for that. I was certain they didn't even know we were coming back. For a moment, I had the urge to hold back and watch. Maybe we would have if Jasper hadn't looked up.

When we saw me, he smiled and his whole expression seemed to brighten even more. It was the kind of smile that said he was okay…he was really okay.

"So what were you two talking about?" Charlotte asked as we took our original seats. This time, I placed my hand over his, just out of sight from anyone but him. All of a sudden I needed the contact, and when he turned his hand to clasp mine, I had to stop myself from leaning into his warmth.

"Apparently he had a clean record at school all last year," Jasper said, nodding towards Peter. While his voice hadn't given him away, I was certain mine would have. "Is that true?"

Charlotte chuckled, nodding as Peter jumped in. "I was no hall monitor, but I was very…reformed compared to previous years."

I knew his comment could have taken badly. No doubt he was better behaved because of what happened; luckily, it seemed I was the only one who interpreted it that way.

"That's because your partner in crime had moved to the other side of the continent," Charlotte teased.

"So I'm guessing you guys were troublemakers, then?" I finally found my voice, liking the thought of Jasper being a troublemaker more than I probably should have. The two of them shared a glance but didn't respond, leaving Charlotte to do it once again.

"They were little shits," she said, rolling her eyes at them. "I think the worst one was when they decided to skip class and break into the school swimming hall. The gym teacher found them when she led her class in ten minutes later."

"That was a dare, by the way," Jasper interjected when I started to laugh. "And we were fully clothed, before you ask."

Charlotte laughed with me at the memory. "The principal wouldn't let them back into the school. They had to stay outside until their clothes were dry."

"Best free pass from classes we ever had," Peter said, grinning, as he leant back on his chair.

As the three of them continued the story, sharing small parts they remembered, and laughing at the ridiculousness of it, I couldn't help but envy them. It was petty; what gave me the right to envy them, just because I didn't know the Jasper who broke all the rules?

In truth, there was no reason for me to feel like that at all because I'd had exactly what they had, with Robbie, Bella, Rosalie and Emmett. My stories and experiences with Jasper were all in the future, and that was really all that mattered.

* * *

The rest of the day seemed to go far too quickly. I could tell Jasper didn't want to go, and even though I'd only just met them, neither did I. The stories they told me made me laugh until I had tears in my eyes, something I hadn't really done in a long time.

"I know you don't have plans for tomorrow," Charlotte said as she hugged Jasper goodbye. "But don't plan anything for the evening. We'll come over."

We agreed, and after a final goodbye, we parted ways. Jasper was very quiet as we walked. I'd seen a different side to him today, and though it had lasted only a few hours, I was going to miss it. If that was anything to go by, I was sure Jasper had noticed that, too, so his silence made a lot of sense.

Not wanting to disturb him verbally, I reached for his hand once again. He squeezed it gently, but didn't speak. I knew he just wanted to remain with his thoughts, so I let him.

When we arrived at the house, Kathy was the first person we saw. She must have seen us from the window as she came out to meet us.

"How was your day?" she asked. Whether she noticed our joined hands, she tactfully didn't show it. I answered for him, somehow knowing he still wasn't ready to talk. I told her a little about the stories they'd told, smiling when she said she remembered a few of them her. Apparently his parents had been in the principal's office more times that they cared to admit.

Kathy excused herself a short while after, telling us she was going to prepare dinner. It wasn't going to be for a while, yet, so we had some free time. I wasn't sure what Jasper wanted to do, but my feet were aching after the long walk, and I reluctantly let go of his hand and collapsed onto the couch.

I watched Jasper from where I sat. He'd moved to the window, and was now staring out. What he was looking at, I couldn't quite tell. After a while, I decided to call out to him.

"Jas…"

He looked at me over his shoulder. "Yeah?"

"Thank you for today," I told him, smiling softly. "I had a really good time."

The smile that broke out across his face was magnificent. "Wait here," he said before turning around and leaving the room. He was gone less than a minute before he came back and signalled for me to follow him.

"Come on," he said, holding his hand out for me to take. I took it immediately, following him outside. "There's something I want to show you."

Comprehension was instant. He was taking me to their tree.

* * *

**A/N: It doesn't seem like much of an incentive at the moment, but like always, teasers go out to reviewers.**

**There's also an outtake, if you'd like one. I'll be sending it with the teaser, so you know what you gotta do. It's written from Peter's POV. It's only an extract for now, as it'll be much longer. The part I'm sending corresponds with this chapter.**


	70. Chapter 69

**A/N: Chapter 69!**

**Sorry for the wait!**

**This is one of those chapters I'm not happy with. I kept editing and taking bits out until it got to the stage where I had to stop or else there wouldn't be anything left. That'll be why it's so short. Let's hope you like it more than I do ;)**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Twilight, I wouldn't have wasted my time writing four books about Bella.**

* * *

**Chapter 69 - Home**

**27th March 2010**

**Jasper POV**

How hadn't I realised this before?

I'd brought Alice along because I wanted to share something from my past, something she hadn't known about me. I'd taken her to see my best friends, and her and Charlotte seemed to have gotten on like a house on fire. Even Peter knew she was special.

The Benthrams' loved her, my best friends liked her, and I knew, deep down, Maria would have loved her, too. Though the thought of the two of them together in one room was not something I wanted to linger on.

It made my heart ache just thinking of it. Seeing the two of them beside one another - Maria, the first girl I'd ever loved and Alice, the one who'd taken my broken heart and claimed it so wholly…it would ruin me.

It was for that very reason why it was only natural I had to share this with her. It was the one thing I'd never shared with anyone else, and a year ago, I don't think I'd have wanted to change that. But I'd shared so many personal things with Alice, things I didn't think I _would _be able to share with someone who didn't know Maria. Yet I _had_, and I'd lived to believe sharing something as personal as this showed them just how much they meant to you.

I wanted Alice to know how much she meant to me. She already knew…most of it…but this was different.

"Jasper, you really don't have to do this," she said, holding back.

"I know," I replied softly. "But I want to."

She still didn't seem convinced as I turned back and took her other hand in mine. "Alice, I've never shared this with anyone except Maria. But I _want_ to share it with you…please."

I could tell she still wasn't sure, but my plea had done what it was supposed to. She nodded, accepting this was going to happen, and allowed me to lead her. I faltered when we were standing directly beside it, but I smiled and let go of Alice's hand. It was so easy to follow the routine I'd learnt many years ago. _Place your foot on the largest root, grab the two larger branches and pull up_.

It seemed so effortless to remember; I didn't even have to think about it. Just like it always used to be. When I was seated on the branch, I moved along, giving her room to do the same.

She gave me a long stare, giving me one last chance to back away. I wasn't going to. Finally, she copied me, and soon enough she was sitting beside me on the branch.

"That wasn't so hard, was it?" I said, looking at her.

"It wasn't?" I knew it wasn't a response to my question. She was asking _me _whether I thought it was hard to share this with her, and as I sat there, I realised it really wasn't.

It never _would_ be with Alice.

"I thought it might be, but it's not," I told her honestly. She didn't say anything, merely nodding and looking towards the slowly setting sun behind the house.

As we watched, I began wringing my hands together, getting feeling there was something missing…something I needed. As I snuck a glance at Alice, I knew what it was. My hand felt _empty_, as if Alice's hand was the missing piece.

So slowly I don't think she saw, I stretched my hand towards her and curled our fingers together.

I tried to ignore the sensation when our skin touched, and focused on the fact my hand felt complete. It sounded so fucking cliché to say it, but as I looked at our entwined hands, I realised I didn't care.

* * *

**Alice POV**

He'd taken my hand a little while ago, and they were now resting on his thigh, his other hand tracing my wrist. It wasn't that I was uncomfortable, it was the fact we were doing something he used to do with Maria, like the den had been for me and Robbie.

"Jasper, I-" But before I could say another word, he brought his finger to his lips, effectively shushing me.

"Watch," he told me. "This is the best bit."

I sighed quietly, looking at the sunset. Just as the sun was about to disappear completely, the light shone across the horizon, turning everything a magnificent orange and red colour. Jasper was right, it was beautiful, and I was suddenly glad he was here to share it with.

A couple of seconds later, the sun completely disappeared, and all that remained was an orange glow. We sat in silence for a little while, watching the sky slowly get darker. It was peaceful, yet at the same time it was too quiet, and I was dying to know what Jasper was thinking.

I glanced at him and saw he was staring ahead of him, but the expression on his made told me he wasn't seeing a thing.

"What's on your mind?" I asked, my voice barely a whisper.

When he looked at me, I got the distinct impression his eyes were searching for something. But then a noise came from the house, and he turned away, looking towards the source.

"I think our dinner is ready."

With that, he dropped my hand and pushed himself up. He kept a tight grip on the branch as he jumped down. My eyebrows rose as he landed softly on the ground below me. He'd barely even faltered. I knew why it had come easy – he must have done it so many times before.

"Do you need help getting down?" he asked, looking up at me. I quickly looked around, grimacing as I realised I was higher than I first thought. It wasn't a case of just jumping off like he had.

"I think so. How do I get down?"

"You jump." My expression must have said it all because a moment later he moved to stand below me. "Can you at least lower yourself down? I can't reach you from here."

I eyed him sceptically. "You're sure?"

He nodded seriously, though the corners of his mouth twitched as he did so. "Of course I am. Now come on, it's really not that far. You climbed up there easily enough."

"You would say that," I muttered, letting other unintelligible comments pass my lips as I tried to think of a way to lower myself down slowly. I decided on the branches I'd used to climb up. Taking a strong grasp of the one in front of me, I eased myself off.

Just as he promised, I felt his hands on my waist. I only let go when I felt him take my weight. A moment later, my feet were on the ground.

"See, I told you it wasn't far."

I barely paid attention as I stared up at him. His palms felt scorching against my waist, and suddenly all I wanted was for him to pull me closer. He seemed to notice the change at the same time as his hands slipped from my waist and he stepped back.

I diverted my gaze.

Feeling flustered, I pretended to straighten my top. I chastised myself, feeling Jasper's gaze on me. Nothing could happen here; especially below their tree…I couldn't believe I'd even entertained the thought.

Without a word, Jasper turned away.

* * *

**28th March 2010**

**Jasper POV**

When we woke up the next morning, I asked Alice what she wanted to do. She replied with, "Show me your life here," almost instantly, so that was exactly what I did.

After breakfast, I showed her the strip of road just across the field from the house, where Chris taught me how to ride a motorcycle. I even showed her where I first fell off, about ten metres away from where I'd started.

I then took her to my old high school and pointed out the swimming hall where the story Charlotte told her first originated from. We then stopped off at the café my friends and I used to go to after school to get a drink and something to eat. I bought Alice the meal I used to buy, and sat back and watched, unable to buy it for myself.

Once she was finished, we went to the park where Peter and I used to play baseball with some of the guys from school, and on the way, we walked the route I used to jog a couple of times a week.

We stopped for a while in the park and sat on my favourite bench, where Alice looked around, taking in every detail whilst I kept my eyes on her, doing the exact same thing.

I even took her to visit my grandparents – my father's parents. We hadn't stayed long, but my nana still managed to lead Alice away to show her my old school photos. When they were out of the room, my grandfather had looked at me and said, "Don't let her go, Jasper."

To that, I didn't have a response.

It was getting late in the afternoon when we finally started heading back to the Benthram's house. On the spur of the moment, I led her down the track towards my old home.

When we walked up the long driveway, I showed her where my friends and I used to race to see who was fastest. I boasted to her how I most always won those races, and Alice merely laughed at me for being so 'modest'.

Yet when we got to the front of the house, all I could do was point out which room was which. There was no car on the drive, so I couldn't tell if they were in or not, but even so, I couldn't go closer. I couldn't move, regardless of the fact my feet yearned to walk up the porch steps…my hands itched to open the front door. I wanted to close my eyes and inhale the scent I always associated with home.

But as I looked around, I saw the different paint on the doorframe and the new curtains in the window. It was seeing that which made me realise the place I called home was not just a few steps away anymore. No, it was so very far away from here now.

A smile found its way onto my face as Alice slipped her hand into mine. "Come on, let's go back," I said simply.

It felt strangely uplifting to know I'd shared this part of my past with Alice. Before today, I'd always referred to my life as two parts - the part with Maria in Texas and the part with Alice in Forks.

Alice was a part of both now.

"Did you have a good day?" Kathy asked as we walked in. I held back as Alice answered for me, watching as she recalled the different places and stories I'd told her. After she finished speaking, Kathy smiled at me with a look that said she was really pleased. It confused me, but I didn't ask her to elaborate.

Like every other time, I was certain she wouldn't tell me, anyway.

"I was thinking of having a barbeque tonight for your last night here. What do you guys think?" she continued, looking hopeful. "Usually we invite the neighbours over, but you can invite Peter and Charlotte, too, if you like."

I nodded, remembering the barbeques I'd had with the Benthram's before. But the only different was we _were _the neighbours she used to invite over, not the new family that lived there.

It was silent for a while after Alice told her Peter and Charlotte intended to come over, anyway. I was going to suggest we went up to our room to rest before the evening, when Kathy stopped me mid-thought.

"Jasper, do you think you could go check if they're still free to come over tonight?" she asked, nodding towards the back door. I immediately I tensed at the idea, wanting to refuse. "Go on, it'll give you a chance to meet them before everyone else is here. You'll get to see your old house again for a short while, too."

Maybe she thought I wanted that.

She must have sensed my tension, but clearly didn't realise it was because I'd have to walk up the porch and knock on the door. I'd wanted to do it earlier, but I hadn't been able to. Now Kathy was making me do it.

I stood up rather stiffly, looking to Alice for help. But as she went to stand up, Kathy signalled for her to stay. "Oh, Alice, do you think you could stop here and help me out with something for a little while?"

My gaze found Alice's. I could tell she was about two seconds from declining Kathy's request, when I drew back and shook my head. Kathy wanted me to do this on my own…I had to do it on my own.

_Man up, Jasper. Alice isn't always going to be here to hold your hand_.

Ignoring my inner thoughts, I left the house. I didn't walk as fast as I did earlier, but I didn't take things slowly either. When I got to the porch steps, I stopped, looking up at the door. I stood there for a short while before taking a deep breath and climbing the steps.

A wistful smile formed on my face as the step creaked, just as it always used to do. I glanced up and down the porch before knocking. It looked different from what I remembered, but the bench was still there, and for the briefest of moments, I could almost see Mom sitting there with a two year old Emily on her lap.

I felt a familiar tug at my heart, but I shook the memory away, not wanting it to suck me in. Finally, I knocked on the door. I drew in a deep breath when I heard the latch being pulled. A second later, a female with tied back, black hair was standing in front of me.

"Can I help you?"

"I'm a guest at the Benthram's house and Kathy sent me over here to see if you were still available for their barbeque tonight," I told her, trying my hardest to keep my eyes on her and not let them look behind her into the house.

"Of course, you can tell her Ryan is really lookin' forward to it," she said warmly. I smiled awkwardly as I tried to remember who that was. After the seconds passed, I gave in and looked behind her, letting my eyes scan the room beyond the front door.

She coughed slightly and my eyes snapped back to her face. I opened my mouth to apologise, but the words didn't come as I saw her eyes questioning what the hell I was doing.

"Is there anything more you needed?"

I knew I could have shaken my head and left, but I just couldn't bring myself to go without first letting her know why she'd caught me looking inside. For some reason, I just wanted to explain myself.

"Sorry, it's just I used to live here," I began, uneven. "I spent my whole childhood here, and it's just been a long time since I've seen this place."

Realisation flooded her features and her expression softened somewhat. "Oh, you must be Jasper! Of course, I thought I recognised your face before. You look a lot older than you did in those pictures, though."

_Pictures_? She'd seen the pictures in Kathy's house?

When I didn't respond, she added. "Do you want to come in for a bit?"

I was taken aback by her request, and I had to look back at the room behind her before answering. A part of me wanted to say no, but my every instinct was telling me to accept.

"Sure."

She signalled for me to follow her in. I looking around the moment I was inside, inhaling without thinking. It didn't smell like home anymore, but there was a slight familiarity about it that made my heart ache.

The room was completely different, which I was expecting already. There was one thing that hadn't changed though, and my eyes widened in surprised when they landed on the painting above the fireplace.

"You kept it," I stated, not being able to say anything more. She followed my gaze, nodding when she spotted the painting.

"It belonged to your family? We thought it belonged to the previous tenants, as it was already up when we got here," she mused, smiling slightly.

"It was a gift my father gave to my mother," I told her quietly, still staring at the painting.

"Did you not want to take it with you when you left?" she asked, sounding confused, and rightly so, too. She obviously didn't know about my father walking out. But then again, why would she?

"My mother didn't want to take it with her," I said, knowing that, if this was a year ago, my response would have been bitter and totally different to what it was now. Instead of the understanding look on her face, it would have been awkwardness, confusion and uneasiness.

"So, whereabouts are you living now? Did you move somewhere nearby or a little further afield?" she inquired curiously.

"Forks," I informed her, then smiled a little at her utterly confused expression. "It's in the state of Washington, right in the corner."

"Well that's quite a move you and your family made there," she said moments later, breaking the silence that had fallen over us.

"Yeah," I said distantly. In the silence, I thought about how much I'd hated Forks and the people living there when I moved. It was hard to believe that in a few months, it was going to be two years since moving away.

"I should be getting back now," I told her, pulling myself from my thoughts. "But thanks for letting me take a look inside. It helped to remind me this isn't my home anymore."

* * *

**A/N: Two more chapters left and then we're back to Forks…twelve more and the story is finished! For once that doesn't seem so far away anymore…**

**Let me know what you think! Teasers go out to reviewers, as usual.**


	71. Chapter 70

**A/N: Chapter 70!**

**Thanks to my readers, idealskeptic and koko23cat…you guys keep me going.**

**Disclaimer: I own my original characters.**

* * *

**Chapter 70 - Childhood Memories**

**28th March 2010**

**Jasper POV**

Nettie and Lucy were running around with the Stryder's son, Ryan, whilst Chris and Kathy were sat talking to Benjamin and Tia, as I now knew them. We'd all sat around eating, and sure, I'd answered when they talked to me - nearly choking when little Ryan asked if I was the boy who was allowed to play in the tree…I just hadn't tried to start a conversation.

I couldn't explain it. I just…I didn't feel comfortable with them. The thought of them living in the house I grew up in made that impossible.

When the plates were cleared, we all split into our respective groups. Alice and I were now sitting along the porch with Peter and Charlotte.

"So, how did you guys become friends?" Alice asked. Up until that moment, I hadn't realised how much Alice wanted to know about my past. She'd probably found out more in these past few days than she had in the year and a half she'd known me. I couldn't blame her for wanting to know more. It was a wise move from her to glean information from my friends.

"We were in kindergarten," Peter began. "It was our first week there. I didn't know anyone 'cause my parents just moved here from a different town, so the teacher made me go play with these cars. I'm playin' along happily, but something distracts me, and I look up to see these two kids sittin' at a table – Jasper and Maria."

He paused for the briefest moment, and I knew the memory, his and my own, was making him remember Maria.

"Jasper looked really bored, and he kept glancin' at the cars I was playin' with," Peter continued, his voice breaking through my thoughts. "I could tell he wanted to play with them, but Maria was playin' house, or somethin'."

"It was a tea party," I interrupted, smiling at the memory. "Maria thought we needed another guest at our table, so she went and grabbed the nearest kid she could find."

"Me." Peter finished my sentence. "My momma taught me to treat girls properly, so instead of tellin' her I didn't want to go to some stupid damn tea party, I followed her. I brought my cars with me, of course."

I chuckled. "You must have seen my eyeing them because you passed me one under the table when she wasn't looking. I thought you were the coolest kid in the world for doing that."

We both grinned at each other as I finished. "After that, it was always the three of us."

"Until I came along, that is," Charlotte added, speaking for the first time since the question had been asked.

"How did you get to know them all?" Alice inquired.

"It was Peter I remember seein' first," she began, a faint smile on her lips. "He was sittin' alone, much like I was, so I was gonna go sit with him, thinkin' he didn't have any friends yet, either. But then Jasper turned up, then Maria, and I didn't bother. I was real shy back then, so you can imagine what makin' friends was like for me."

She took a deep breath, smiling. I could tell she loved this memory. "Our teacher, bless her, told us to get into pairs – boy girl, boy girl – but because I was sittin' alone, I didn't have anyone to pair with. These two idiots didn't understand that process, so they stayed as a group of three. She saw they were together, and paired me with Peter."

"We kicked up a fuss," I said, fighting another grin.

Peter snorted. "A _big_ fuss."

"They made me cry," Charlotte muttered, giving us both stern looks I knew weren't real.

"You made her cry?" Alice said, sounding shocked. "You guys were just mean as little kids."

Charlotte nodded in agreement, faking a real heart wrenching expression. "They were _awful_ at first, and I wished the teacher would stop pairin' me with them. But it was as if she knew that one day we'd be best friends."

"So how did you finally win them over?"

"Oh, that was at least two weeks later, and bear in mind, we'd been put together pretty much every day," Charlotte said, the corners of her mouth twitching as she tried to keep a straight face. "But I think they were startin' to get used to me."

I met Peter's eye, chuckling quietly. "Actually, we were still thinking of ways to get rid of you," I told her honestly, knowing she wouldn't be offended, not after all this time.

"But then Maria told us she really liked you," Peter added. As he spoke, he took her hand, curling their fingers together. Almost instantly, I flexed my own, suddenly wanting the same sensation.

"Charlotte helped us with a prank we wanted to pull, and when the teacher found out, she stood up for us," I said, using it as a distraction. "After that, we decided having another girl in our group might not be such a bad idea after all."

It was silent then, and my two friends smiled at each other. I had to look away, not wanting to intrude on their moment.

"So you were quite the prankster when you were younger, huh?" Alice inquired, turning her gaze away as well.

I inclined my head, drawling more than usual as I spoke. "Oh, I think I could have given Emmett a run for his money back then."

"Who's Emmett?" Peter and Charlotte asked simultaneously. I didn't answer, letting Alice do the talking.

"He's one of our friends back home," she informed them, then smiled slightly as she began. "April Fools is his favourite holiday."

"Has he pulled any pranks on Jasper?" Peter asked, suddenly eager. Usually nobody got the better of me when I was younger, so this was going to be something new for him. The fucker was going to love this.

"You want me to tell them what happened?" Alice asked. Her eyes were bright and full of an enthusiasm I hadn't seen in a very long time – if ever, in fact.

I merely smiled, wanting to prolong the moment as long as possible. "Sure."

She turned back to Peter and Charlotte then, and though there was a part of me that wanted to see their reactions, I just couldn't look away from Alice. As she began retelling the story of the pranks Emmett had pulled, I watched her changes in expression.

I could see it in the way she spoke about last year…it was _excitement_. She looked so _animated _and happy that she finally had something she could share with them about me they wouldn't already know about. When she told them about Bella and the dirty panties, her nose scrunched up, her expression tightening even more when Peter made a comment about the 'skid marks'.

She was the most adorable thing I'd ever seen.

By the time she finally moved onto what Emmett did to me with the phone call and magazines, she was very nearly buzzing in her seat. The very corners of her mouth would quiver into a smile as she talked, and then when they all started to laugh, my eyes travelled down the curve of her throat.

I'd be damned if I didn't want to press my lips to it.

"You know that was Henry who called you, right?"

I wouldn't stop at the kiss, I knew that much. Her skin was so pale and looked as though it would be smooth under my touch. In that moment, I longed to reach out and run my fingers along-

"Jasper?"

My name brought me out of my thoughts and my head snapped up. My eyes landed on Alice first; she was now staring at me curiously. Not only had she caught me unabashedly gawking at her, but also my two now silent friends had caught me as well.

Charlotte was trying not to smile while Peter merely smirked, knowing I hadn't been paying attention to anything that wasn't Alice.

_Shit_, I had to steer the conversation away. "What did you say?"

"The person who called you that day…it was Henry, not whoever he was pretending to be," she said slowly, as though she was still trying to work out what just happened with me.

"That was _Henry_?" I sat back in my seat, shocked. "Well at least my name and number isn't down on some dating site for men."

Alice giggled as Peter asked, "Which one is Henry?"

"One of Emmett's brothers," I told him, hoping he'd had forgotten about catching me watching Alice. Knowing him, he'd find the first chance he got to give me shit for it.

"_One_ of his brothers?" It was Charlotte who spoke this time. "How many does he have?"

"Four," I replied, remembering my response when I'd found out how many siblings he had.

"Plus one sister," Alice added.

Peter whistled. "His parents were _busy_."

"I think you'd get on with them," Alice mused a moment later. "Lewis can be annoying at times, but you'd like Emmett and Henry."

Peter shared a glance with Charlotte. "Well maybe we'll come up and meet them one day. That's if you got room for us, Jay?"

I looked between them, only realising now how much I really wanted that to happen. Before this, the thought of the both of them coming to Forks could have freaked me out. Mixing both parts of my life? I wouldn't have even considered it. But I was already half there as it was…

"I'll find the room."

* * *

Peter signalled for me to get up as Charlotte and Alice fell into a separate conversation. I could tell the both of them watched as he led me down the porch and round to the front of the house, but Peter didn't say a word.

"Where are we going?" I asked as he led me away from the house.

He merely waved away my impatience. "You'll see."

He was right, of course. It wasn't hard to work out where he was taking me once we turned down the track at the far end of the drive – there was nothing else down there.

"Fort J.P," I said, staring ahead at the group of trees before us. "I can't believe I forgot about this place."

"I think you'll find it's called Fort _P.J_."

I rolled my eyes; we'd had this argument many times before. "J comes before P in the alphabet, you know that."

"If I remember correctly, we were going by height back then, _not_ the alphabet," he said with a hint of petulance I knew he was dragging up from the days when we used to seriously argue about this.

"Not really working out in your favour these days, is it?" I shot back. "I'm pretty sure I'm taller."

"I'd say we're about even." Peter silently evaluated our height, his eyes narrowing when he realised I had him by a couple of inches. "Call it quits and leave it at _the fort_?"

"Why didn't we just do this before?"

He shrugged. "Where was the fun in that?"

I grinned into the silence as we slipped through the trees. It looked just as I remembered it to. The fort was something we'd found as kids; it comprised of a clearing surrounded by thick trees and bushes. Once inside, you couldn't be seen unless you knew where to look. We'd dubbed it _the fort_, and protected it from the enemy, specifically our parents and girls.

"What was it Charlotte called this place?" I asked as we settled on the fallen tree – it was about the only thing we could sit on. We weren't so keen to settle down on the muddy ground anymore. "A fucking playhouse or something, wasn't it?"

Peter's expression showed the same disgust it always did at the thought of what Charlotte and Maria used to do when they managed to get inside. He used to think it was a disgrace to bring dolls and blankets and shit and pretend we were a big happy family, we both did.

"She always tried to make shit so _domesticated_." He shook his head. "Just no imagination…"

"Remember the armour we made?" I said, glancing towards the far end which we'd reserved for the _armoury_. "Using old potato sacks and cutting arm holes in black bin bags."

Peter's smile was more wistful as he replied. "We really improvised back then, didn't we? Anything seemed possible."

The grin slipped from my face. Yeah, anything _did_ seem possible when we were kids. Everything was as simple as imagining big battles and pretending those potato sacks were chainmail.

"Do you ever wish you didn't leave?" he asked quietly.

"Yeah," I replied just as quietly as I leant forward, resting on my knees. "But would I stay if I had the choice to do it all over again? I don't know. I regret what happened to our friendship, and I regret I never got to graduate with you guys, but…"

Peter finished the sentence I couldn't find the words to, "But there's one thing you wouldn't swap anything for."

While I knew he was referring to Alice, I found it impossible to answer him straight away. In some respect he was wrong; there were a couple of things I wouldn't swap anything for – family, Alice and Maria. I would never choose between them, and it physically hurt to think of a time when I might be forced to do that.

Finally I looked at him, giving him the answer I knew he was waiting for. "Alice has made all the difference."

There was understanding in his eyes as we held our gaze. It was broken a minute later when Peter looked towards the opening between the trees. I looked up just in time to see Charlotte climbing through. For the briefest, bittersweet moment, I half expected Maria to be right behind her.

My heart sank, and I began looking for who I _knew_ would be there – Alice, but as Charlotte came towards us, no one followed. Where was she? Was she outside, not wanting to come in?

"Where's Alice?" I asked her, half standing up before Charlotte nudged me back into my seat.

"She's back at the house." She chuckled and rolled her eyes when she saw I was about to protest. "Cool it, Jay, she's the one who told me to come lookin' for you guys."

"How'd you know where to find us?" Peter asked as Charlotte sat between us. I would have asked the same thing had I not been thinking about Alice being back at the house on her own. If I hadn't realised how much I wanted to spend some time, just the three of us, I was sure I'd have gone back for her.

"It's the only place I saw you two disappearin' off to," Charlotte said simply as she looked around. "We're in the kitchen now, right?"

She laughed at the simultaneous groan from either side of her.

"Battlefront, Charlotte, _battlefront_," Peter muttered. "We got more use out of it than your so-called _kitchen_."

She let out a faint snort of derision. "Like those ridiculous stick fights you two used to get into? Remember when Jasper nearly slashed your cheek open?"

Peter grinned at the memory; that shit was still classic, even years on when we were old enough to know better.

"Yeah, sorry about that, Pete," I said, looking around Charlotte to see him more clearly. I'd already apologised for this before, and like last time, he just brushed me off with a wave of his hand.

"Still up for that rematch, you know," he said a moment later, actually looking around as if he'd spot our old _swords_ just lying around. Before I could even get a word out, Charlotte had huffed and given Peter a reproachful look.

"Don't even _try_ it," she said seriously. "I'm not going to play referee while you two fight it out like you're ten years old again."

There were a hundred things I could have said in response, and I was sure Peter was the same, but neither of us said a word, choosing instead to smirk to ourselves. While I knew it would be stupid to do anything like that again, there was a part of me that kind of wanted to.

I guess the kid in you never really dies.

In the minutes that followed, we were comfortable to sit there in silence. The teasing, joking side of it was over, for now at least. There was something I wanted to ask them; I pretty much knew the answer already, but I still wanted to hear them say it.

"So, what do you think of Alice?"

Charlotte smiled knowingly and glanced at Peter. When they both turned to look at me, there was an almost identical grin on their faces.

"You've got our seal of approval, if that's what you mean," Charlotte said, arching an eyebrow when my expression turned slightly bemused. "Don't act like you don't know what we're talkin' about it; I saw the way you were lookin' at her."

"Yeah, 'cause let's be honest, it wasn't hard to miss," Peter added, "What with you gawpin' at her, and all."

"Shut up," I muttered, looking away so they didn't catch me smiling. I couldn't even deny it.

* * *

We'd stayed in the fort for quite a while longer. It was only when Charlotte upset herself did we decide to get up again. She'd admitted she really missed this, the three of us together. It was only then she remembered it really never _had_ been the three of us before. It was always four. After Maria died, I never spent time with them.

I ended up being the one to comfort her, while Peter watched us with a look on his face that was all too familiar.

When we finally got back to the house, Alice was nowhere to be seen. Even Benjamin and his family had gone home. When I searched her out, I found Alice upstairs, perched on her bed tapping away on her phone.

It was getting quite late by that point, so Alice followed me back downstairs to say goodbye to Peter and Charlotte. I hadn't wanted the evening to come to an end, but we had to get our sleep in preparation for the flight tomorrow.

Thankfully, there hadn't been any tearful goodbyes as they promised they'd see us off at the airport. For that, I was grateful. I really couldn't deal with any goodbyes tonight.

Afterwards I settled onto the bench, putting my arm around Alice when she joined me a minute later. We sat in silence for some time, my arm instinctively tightening around her when she rested her head against my shoulder.

She was tired – we both were. It had been a long day for both of us and I knew she would fall asleep if I let her. Her breathing was already beginning to even out as it was; it wouldn't be long.

"You should go to bed," I said, turning so my nose was in her hair, my lips brushing against her forehead.

She hummed quietly. "And leave you alone with your thoughts? I don't think so. It'll be hours before you follow me up."

I smiled to myself, conceding she had a valid point. If she was going to bed, it meant I had to be, too. I didn't move, though; I didn't want to. I closed my eyes instead.

That was how Chris found us ten minutes later. He greeted us with a nod and ventured out into the yard to clear away the remainder of the things from earlier. There wasn't much left to do, but Alice and I still got up to help.

For some reason, I got the impression Chris wanted to talk to me, and when Alice disappeared inside with the last of the plates, she didn't come out again. For a minute or so, we worked I silence, dismantling the table I'd helped put up earlier. I merely waited for him to speak.

"So…how's it going with your dad?"

He sounded as hesitant as I felt to approach the topic. I focused more than I needed to on the task at hand, trying to work out how to respond.

"It's getting there," I said finally. "Slowly."

Chris stopped what he was doing and nodded. "That's expected. But, it's getting easier, right? You're glad he came back?"

I looked at him, not responding. This was going somewhere, I could sense it, and I was already tensing at the thought of what it could be.

"Listen, Jasper, there's something I think you should know…" There it was. I gripped the table leg a little too tightly. "About a year ago, your dad came lookin' for you. When he found out you'd gone, he came to us, knowing we would have your new address."

Chris paused and took in my inert state. I knew where this was going, and I had the urge to tell him to stop. But I didn't.

"He proved to us he'd changed and wanted to make amends," he continued, rushing over his words. It was strange to know I'd made a grown man nervous. "We told him where you were because everyone deserves a second chance, but I urged him to think about what he was doing. You'd started a new life up there, one that didn't include him. He had to be sure he was here for the long run."

I diverted my gaze and started working to distract myself. At the time, the thought of how he'd found us was fleeting, and I hadn't thought of it again. It hadn't seemed important.

Mom must have known how he found us. Just another thing she hadn't told me, but then again, I suppose that was because I never asked. After all this time, it wasn't worth getting irritated over. Thinking back to what happened when he first arrived, it was clear she hadn't known back then.

"You didn't tell us he was back."

My even statement pierced the even silence that surrounded us. He met my eye, looking regretful as he slowly shook his head.

"I'm sorry," he said, sighing. "That wasn't an easy decision for us."

I didn't know what to say. I hated the thought of being angry at him, at either of them, and I had to force back the biting urge because getting angry wasn't going to solve anything. Even if we'd known, Mom still would've relapsed…it wouldn't have changed anything.

I just had to keep telling myself that because dwelling on shit wasn't going to solve anything, either.

"We did the right thing by telling him where you were, didn't we?" he asked, pulling me back to the present. I nodded because every other verbal response was failing me.

His question was still lingering in my thoughts as I changed into my sleep pants ten minutes later. Alice had been in the toilet when I came up, and the silence of our room was giving me an excuse to go over the conversation.

It was clear my quiet goodbye had worried him. He hadn't pressed me for more than my nod, and I was too tired to offer him anything more. Tomorrow, when my mind had settled, I would have to assure him he had done the right thing because he _had_. I just needed to get used to the idea first.

Alice entering the room in her pyjamas was enough to momentarily distract me, but it didn't straighten the disorder in my expression.

"Everything okay?" Alice asked, perching at the end of the bed.

"Chris just told me they were the ones to tell my dad where to find us," I replied, not knowing how else to respond.

She frowned. "Are you alright with that?"

Taking in my expression, I think she could see I was struggling with it. I still hadn't responded when she shuffled closer and placed her hand over mine. I sighed and focused on her touch.

"I will be."

"You'll feel better about it in the morning," she assured me and I knew she was right. All I needed to do was sleep on it. Right now, though, there was something else I wanted more.

She was sitting at my hip now, but even that wasn't close enough. I wanted her beside me, just as she'd been earlier. When I tugged on her hand, she seemed to know exactly what I wanted.

There was just enough space for her to nestle between me and the wall. I had to let go of her hand, but the warmth created from putting my arm around her waist was far greater.

We stayed like that until Alice broke the silence. "I had a good time today. Thank you."

I felt like I should've been the one thanking her; she was the reason I was here after all.

"I'm glad you're here," I said, mimicking my earlier action so my nose was in her hair. "Peter and Charlotte like you."

She half sat up so she could see me. "Did they say that?"

I nodded. _In so many words_…a smile formed as it became clear my admission made her happy. It also made me wonder how she'd react if I told her what they _really _said.

"You know, Charlotte and I swapped numbers," she said and rested her chin on my chest. "You don't mind, do you?"

Hmm?" I brought my attention away from where my fingers had been circling the small of her back. I was careful not to touch the hem of her top. "Why would I mind?"

She hesitated. "It's just, they're your friends, and I know that bothers some people."

I laughed because honestly, I kind of fucking loved that they were becoming friends. It was same with the idea of Pete coming to Forks; I wasn't sure Edward would get his sense of humour, but I could see him getting along with Emmett straight away, even if just because he got the better of me on April Fools.

"They're your friends now, too," I told her. "Charlotte wouldn't have swapped numbers with you otherwise."

"That's true, but I think she wants an easier way to check up on you without getting caught." Alice laughed and sat up high, bringing us closer. "Probably because you don't use that phone of yours nearly enough as she'd like."

"Probably," I conceded, feeling my heart beat a little quicker. I wondered if she could feel it. "But I think there's another reason why she wants to get to know you better."

Not for a second did I believe Charlotte's only motive was to check up on me. She did that enough, anyway. No, that wasn't it at all. Charlotte knew what Alice meant to be, she'd known for a long time and now she'd seen us together, it only made it more obvious. If she was making the effort with Alice, then it meant she knew, one day, we'd be together.

Whether she caught the message behind my words, or maybe it was the way I was looking at her…whatever, something changed.

"Yeah?"

Her voice was quiet and I knew she could see it in my eyes because I could see it in hers. I sat up, my free hand slipping into her hair and guiding her to close the last few inches between us. The motion was so fluid it was as though I'd planned it all along.

I felt her smile as our lips touched.

The kiss was exactly as it was meant to be for the quiet and private moment. There was nothing beyond this bed, just us, and when we finally parted, she looked at me and the sudden intensity of my feelings for her was dizzying.

Her smile turned into a giggle and she pressed her face against my chest to stifle it. Whether it was the sheer rollercoaster of the past few days, or just the fact we were together, here, wrapped around each other, but soon I was laughing, too. It felt pretty fucking perfect.

I closed my eyes a little later as she settled against me once again. I savoured the weight of her arm across my chest, wanting nothing more than to fall asleep with her in my arms.

For a moment, I thought of Maria and whether this should have felt wrong, that _I _was wrong for wanting it whilst under this roof, but it didn't. Unlike the day before when I'd helped her down from the tree, all I'd wanted to do was pull her closer, but I hadn't because standing beneath the tree hadn't felt right.

I'd pulled back because my feelings were conflicted, but with her beside me now, they weren't conflicted at all. They were pointing towards Alice. This was exactly what I wanted; _she_ was exactly what I wanted.

She let out a faint hum. "Jas? I think I'm going to fall asleep…"

_Go on then_, I thought, grinning to myself. "I'll go get the lights."

I didn't want to move, but the only switch was on the other side of the room. I untangled myself from her, somehow unable to recall when she'd entwined her legs with mine, and padded across the room.

I'd just flipped the switch when I heard the bed creak. "Goodnight, Jas."

I turned to see her cross the room and climb into her bed. I opened my mouth to say something, and then closed it again when the words wouldn't come. What had I said to make her think I wanted her to move?

_The question is, Jasper, what _didn't_ you say_? I cussed under my breath and looked at her. If I didn't have such an aversion to sleeping in that bed, I would've crawled in beside her. She wouldn't push me away, I knew she wouldn't.

But to ask her to come back to my bed? There was something stopping me; a stupid…_fear_ of some kind, a pathetic thing that always held me back. I cussed again and went back to my side of the room. Pulling my t-shirt off, I lay down and faced the wall.

Instead of falling asleep with her in my arms, _happy_, I was alone and pissed at myself for being so pathetic.

When I finally closed my eyes a little while later, I realised I hadn't even said goodnight to her. Like everything else, it was just another moment I couldn't get back.

* * *

When I woke up the next morning, Alice wasn't in her bed. For once, I was glad to wake up to an empty room.

My dreams had been filled with Alice. For a moment there, I'd actually thought it was real when I'd opened my eyes to find her lying beside me again. I'd _wanted_ it to be real, and everything that happened afterwards…that was something else altogether.

As I stared at the ceiling, I realised it was probably a good thing she hadn't slept beside me. There was no way that first, I wouldn't have woken her up and second, I wouldn't have given away what I was dreaming about in a heartbeat. _Damn_, there was no telling what the fuck I would've done to her in my sleep.

That wasn't the kind of shit I needed to be dealing with today. I had other things to think about.

It seemed my mind had other plans the moment I saw Alice fifteen minutes later. She was sitting at the breakfast table, still wearing those tempting as hell pyjamas she'd brought with her. I honestly couldn't choose between staring shamelessly and looking away before she caught me. The sight of her just made my dream even more vivid.

"Morning, Jas," she said when she noticed me hovering in the doorway. I ducked my head and quickly took the seat beside her.

"Sleep well?" Kathy asked as she placed a clean bowl in front of me. I nodded because my voice had deserted me. _Yeah, I definitely fucking slept well_. The only problem now was I couldn't look at Alice without imagining what we'd done. Or hadn't done…

I glanced at her, my eyes skimming her waist where my hands had explored as she hovered above me. I swallowed heavily and dragged my eyes away again, focusing on pouring cereal into my bowl.

All I had to do was keep it together until she got changed, after that, it would be fine. By that point, I'd have other shit to contend with, and there'd be no room for my dream, anyway.

My plan worked up until Alice helped clear away our things. She was at the sink, directly in my line of sight, and I couldn't do much else than stare at her legs. I'd explored there, too.

It was when I felt someone staring at _me_ that I pulled back. I soon found Kathy's gaze. She arched an eyebrow and looked pointedly at Alice. She looked amused more than anything, but I still felt the back of my neck grow hot to know she'd caught me checking Alice out.

I switched to staring at the table instead, and when Alice finally finished, she was totally oblivious to the whole thing.

"You ready?"

I looked up and glanced at Kathy. Luckily she wasn't paying attention to either of us. I nodded again, realising I hadn't said a word since the last night, and then bolted for the door. The last thing I needed was to follow her upstairs. Being that close, I'd just want to fucking touch her.

What made me finally snap out of it was seeing the time. In an hour, we had to leave for the airport. Not even that. The realisation struck me like a ton of bricks, and I sat down heavily on my bed.

_We were leaving_.

"Jas, is everything okay?" Alice asked from where she stood in the doorway with her clothes bundled in her arms. The question was similar to the one she'd asked last night, and like then, I didn't know how to answer her. She realised it was to do with our fast approaching departure almost straight away. My expression must have said it all.

"Give me ten minutes, okay?" she said and signalled to her clothes. "We'll talk when I come back."

I agreed and she disappeared. I wanted to talk to her, but there was something else I had to do first.

Chris, Kathy and the twins were nowhere to be seen as I made my way downstairs and slipped out into the backyard. I was grateful; I didn't want an audience. As I approached the headstone, I slowed my gait and sat down beside it.

"Hey, Maria." I went silent, trying to find the right words, but finding none. "I guess this is goodbye. For now, at least. I don't know when I'll be back…"

My voice wavered, and I had to catch my breath before continuing. "I know I'll be a different person when I do. But it's okay – that's what you said to me the other night, and it _will_ be okay, I know that now."

As I thought about Alice, I knew no statement could be truer than that. I really was going to be okay now.

"Goodbye, Maria," I whispered, touching the stone one last time before standing up and going inside.

My intention was to finish packing my bags and wait for Alice to re-emerge, but I paused outside Maria's door. I placed my hand on the wood, the grains feeling strangely warm.

"You can go in there, if you want." I turned to find Kathy standing at the top of the stairs. "I do sometimes, just to remind myself of the little things."

When I looked at the door, I really thought about going inside, about what I'd see. Most of all, I thought about what I'd feel, and I knew, right there, what my answer would be.

"I don't need to," I said quietly, exhaling once the words were out. So much had changed in the past few days. The pull was still there, and I was certain it always would be, but the strength had waned, and in that moment, I knew it was the way things were supposed to be.

It didn't feel wrong, and I didn't hide from it. Thinking of Alice again, I knew why.

* * *

**A/N: Our boy is progressing! I wanna steal Peter. Teasers go out to reviewers.**


	72. Chapter 71

**A/N: Chapter 71!**

**There comes that time in your life as a fanfiction writer when you wonder, _what the f**k am I doing_? Still haven't worked out the answer to that one, but the other day I told myself I would finish this story, and I have. _Almost_.**

**So here are the final ten chapters, for any readers that haven't given up on me.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.**

* * *

**Chapter 71 - What I'm Looking For**

**29th March 2010**

**Jasper POV**

That morning, Peter waited for Charlotte and Alice to wander off to the airport café before speaking. I'd known something was on his mind, so I'd just been waiting for him to grasp the opportunity.

"So, you gonna tell me what's goin' on between you and Alice?" At my raised eyebrow, he elaborated. "You two are actin' all awkwardly friendly. Been tryin' to work out what happened."

I hesitated, wondering whether I should tell him. It took all of ten seconds to realise I wanted to. He was the only one I could talk to, and besides, he had a way of wearing people down until they told him what he wanted to hear. He would find out regardless.

I was glad Charlotte wasn't sitting with us, though. Knowing her, she'd have flipped out and tackle hugged me. I was almost certain she'd have gone for Alice, too, if she had the chance.

_Fuck that shit_.

"I kissed her last night," I finally said, making sure no one was close enough to hear me speak.

The corner of his mouth twitched upwards. "I knew it, you _dog_."

I rolled my eyes, turning away to glance at Alice. From across the departure hall she looked up and smiled.

"So, did you tell her?" When I shook my head, it took him a second to fire his next question. "Seriously? What was stoppin' you?"

Peter took to studying me in my silence. My lack of response told him everything he needed to know. After a minute, he sighed. "Remind me again why you're not with this girl already."

I looked away.

I wanted to tell him it was complicated, that shit like this happened, but it didn't mean we needed to act upon it. The only problem was, right now, it wasn't fucking complicated at all. No way in hell did that make this any easier, though. All it seemed to do was make things ten times harder than it already was.

Or maybe I was just making it harder than it had to be.

"Okay, let's look at the facts for a moment," he continued when I kept quiet. "You like her, and it's pretty obvious she likes you too if she didn't push you away last night. It doesn't sound like rocket science to me, Jay. You're just being difficult."

I grinned in spite of myself, half shoving him out of his chair. He always had to come out with shit like that. If I thought about it, though, this was one of the main reasons I decided to tell him in the first place. Peter had a knack for putting shit into perspective when I was too blind or stubborn to notice it myself.

That, and he was my best friend, and it was his job to put it to me straight.

"True, though." He shrugged, and I sensed a change in his behaviour a second before he continued. "It's what she wanted, you know. Maria didn't want what happened to her to get in the way of you being happy again. Let Alice do that for you."

I couldn't respond. It wasn't that I didn't want to hear it from him – it would have been worse from someone like Edward because he didn't know Maria. Peter knew her, and he knew full well it was true.

If I was being honest with myself, I'd admit to knowing it all along, too, and in the end, it wasn't the main thing holding me back anymore. The problem was I didn't know _what_ held me back.

He offered a lazy grin as though he knew exactly what I was thinking. "Just returnin' the favour for the shit you gave me when I was in a similar position with Charlotte years back."

I inclined my head; he had a point. "That's because your blind ass needed a shove in the right direction."

_Shit_. I realised my mistake a second too late. Our situation wasn't that different, and I'd walked right into it.

"Is that so?" His grin widened because he knew he had me. "If I recall, it was because we both knew we liked one another, but didn't do anything about it for ages. Yeah…I was blind, weren't I?"

His smug, _I told you so_ expression was sickening.

"Fuck off," I muttered, scowling at the floor as I tried to block out his rumbling laughter. He still hadn't sobered by the time Alice and Charlotte returned. Charlotte took a seat while Alice paused in front of me. Her brow pulled together for a second or two when I looked up.

"I know that face," she said, the corners of her mouth twitching into a smile as she glanced at Peter. "What did you say to him?"

He pointed at himself as if to say _'What, me?'_ The fucker was feigning innocence. "I don't know what you mean."

"Well, that face tells me someone just said something he didn't want to hear," she continued. "And he's either told you to fuck off, or he's about to."

I could barely fight the grin that wanted to form. When she saw, she pointed. "That tells me I'm right."

_God, I loved her_.

"Fine." He held his hands up and laughed. I saw him glance at me out of the corner of my eye. "But it wasn't anything he didn't know already."

Even a comment like that couldn't stop the smile on my face. I was still thinking about my latter thought and how much it rang true. Had Peter been able to read my mind, he'd have told me all I had to do now was tell her.

_Yeah, fuck off, Pete, I already know that_.

Alice didn't say anything more as she took the seat beside me. Peter and Charlotte fell into their own little conversation, and experience told me he was filling her in on what we'd talked about. I didn't bother to try and eavesdrop to confirm my thoughts.

"You okay?" Alice asked quietly. I nodded, looking down when I felt her hand brush mine. I knew what I wanted, and it took me all of two seconds to take action.

She squeezed my hand when I slipped it into hers, resting them in the space between us. In that moment, it didn't matter if anyone saw; they wouldn't think anything of it, and Peter wasn't blunt enough to make an outright comment in front of Alice.

Maybe a minute later, the two of them got up and wandered over to the flights board. Somehow I got the impression they didn't want to check the flight details, and when I saw them pay little attention to it and start talking, I shook my head and looked away.

It was obvious they were talking about us; if it was anything else, they wouldn't have gotten up in the first place.

"Why do I get the feeling they're talking about us?" Alice asked idly, glancing in their direction.

I smiled; so I wasn't the only one who picked up on it. "It's classic behaviour for them. Those two are like partners in crime; there's very little they don't discuss with each other."

"They're so…_close_, and not just in the obvious sense," she went on. Her hand twitched in mine, and I knew what she was referring to. "It's like they've been married for fifty years. Does that make any sense?"

"It makes perfect sense," I replied as the two of them slowly made their way back to us. Peter noticed Alice and I were holding hands almost instantly. He smiled, but it wasn't the same as earlier; the fucker just looked pleased. But that all changed the moment they reached us.

"They've put your gate number up," he told us, all traces of amusement gone from his voice. I tensed up at his words. We all knew what that meant – it was time to say goodbye.

Deep in my chest, I felt that familiar urge build up. The urge to get up and run away from something I didn't want to face. The only thing grounding me was Alice's hand. The sensation was so abrupt I could hardly respond.

"Jasper…"

It was Alice's quiet voice beside me that made me focus again. I turned to her, shocking myself at the person I saw reflected in her eyes. I looked lost…I was losing it here in the middle of the airport.

I held eye contact, trying to shake the daze I'd fallen into. Finally I managed to look away to find Peter and Charlotte were watching me – I didn't even know where the Benthrams were.

I realised belatedly this was the first time they were catching a glimpse of the person their best friend had turned into.

All of a sudden I felt ashamed…of myself, of my behaviour. They shouldn't have to see this shit. They knew I was fucked up enough as it was with all the stuff I'd done to them when I'd first moved to Forks, not to mention the messed up call I'd made to Charlotte last year. Now they were seeing it in person.

I stood quickly, needing to make the first move.

Charlotte found me first. She seemed to know instantly what was wrong. As she hugged me, Alice released the grip on my hand. For a moment she was gone, and I felt a dull panic in the pit of my stomach that almost forced me to push Charlotte away and search her out.

It was seeing the concern in Peter's eyes that made me attempt to get my shit together for the second time. I couldn't work out what was happening to me. I hated goodbyes, I always had, but they were never like this.

At least, as far as I could recall because I certainly couldn't remember how I'd felt when I'd left Texas the first time. But then, no one had been there to see us off…they hadn't even known we were leaving.

My thoughts drifted back to Charlotte as she pulled back.

"Pete and I will come to Forks whenever you want us," she said firmly. "And I'll call you every day if I have to. It's going to be different now, I promise. This isn't goodbye."

_This isn't goodbye_. Two minutes ago I wouldn't have known those words could help to calm me down. One way or another, Charlotte knew how much I struggled with them…saying the words were almost impossible right now, and I was glad she'd given me a way out.

"Thank you," I said, feeling the weight gradually lifting from my chest. "I'd really like that."

When Peter offered a quick, one armed hug, his final words helped even more than Charlotte's had.

"Be a man and tell her how you feel. I know you can do it."

His grin had me swearing at him under my breath, while silently glad he'd said it. We joked to ease tension, and that was what I needed right now.

The Benthrams, when I finally spotted them, were more customary in their goodbyes, though luckily they didn't say the word, either. I left Chris until the end, remembering I had something to tell him.

"About what you said yesterday…I'm glad you told him."

The smile on his face was nothing short of relief.

Alice was at my side soon after. One look at the time told me we had to go; there was no putting it off any longer. A glance was shared between each of us, along with final wishes of a safe flight and requests to let them know when we landed.

My mind blanked out yet again when we made our way towards security. I looked back every few steps until the people at the security desk took my attention. As soon as we were through, there was only a short walk before we were due to go out of sight.

As we waved, taking in everything I could, I took Alice's hand in mine.

The moment they were gone, the only thing leading me away was Alice. It startled me when we arrived at the designated gate, and when Alice left me to go to the toilet, all I could do was sit on the nearest seat and stare ahead of me.

I could barely remember what it felt like when I left Houston the first time. I could barely remember any of it, and after today, I couldn't be sure I'd remember much of this, either.

Alice was in front of me before I knew it.

"How are you feeling?"

At first, my only response was to shake my head. Then, "I don't know _how_ I should be feeling, but…I think I'm…_okay_."

She smiled, at that, and I felt myself smiling back, despite my confusion.

"Come on," she said, tugging on my hand. "It's time to go home."

I nodded without cause, noting the parallels. The last time I got on a plane to Forks, I was running away from my home. This time, I was going towards it.

* * *

I spotted my father instantly as we entered the arrivals lounge. The slight relief I felt as I approached him was confusing, but I pushed it aside as I spotted Emily standing at his side. When she saw me, she let go of his hand and came towards me.

"Hey, sweetie," I said as I bent down and picked her up. _Damn, she was getting real big now_. "I've missed you."

Alice captured Emily's attention as I greeted my father with a quick nod of my head.

"Did you have a good time, son?"

"I did." I glanced at Alice and knew I was answering for the both of us. "You were right. Being back there…it helped."

I was certain I saw his shoulders relax. "I can see that, and I'm glad it did. I really am."

Silence fell and that was our cue to leave. We didn't speak again until we reached the car.

"You received some mail while you were away," he said as we pulled out of the parking lot. I met Alice's eye in the rear view mirror to see she was already listening. "It looked pretty official. I think it's from that college you applied to."

"Did Mom open it?"

He shook his head. "No. She wanted to, though. I daresay she'll make you open it the second you step through the door."

I smiled faintly at Mom's eagerness, whilst battling the sudden nerves which formed in the pit of my stomach. In the past few months, I'd hardly given the forms any thought, but now I'd received a letter from them, all I could think was whether I'd been accepted or not.

Knowing it was pointless to dwell on it when we still had a long drive ahead I pushed it away for the time being. Instead, I talked to my father, filling him in on what we'd done. He wanted to know all about how Kathy and Chris were doing. He even asked about Peter and Charlotte.

I got the impression he was making up for lost time.

The drive was shorter than I expected, and soon we were driving through the familiar streets of Forks. Deciding to go home first, the four of us headed inside. After greeting Mom in the doorway, I went straight for the envelope she'd left on my bed.

Alice followed me up. After a quick glance at her, I tore open the envelope and pulled out the letter. A smile broke out across my face as I scanned the first couple of lines.

"I've been accepted," I told her, my voice full of wonder. I couldn't help but laugh as she launched herself at me, knocking us back a step. I kept one arm tightly around her waist as we parted, holding her against my side as we glossed over the rest of the letter.

"We're going to college together." I looked down as she spoke. "We could get a room in the same building, so we're near to each other."

I tightened my grip around her waist, knowing if it wasn't against the rules, I'd have gotten a room _with_ her.

"I wouldn't have it any other way," I said gently. "The closer the better."

Alice relaxed into me, resting her head against my chest. As she closed her eyes, I pressed a gentle kiss into her hairline.

* * *

Once I'd shown the letter to my parents, I walked Alice home. My father offered to drive, but I wanted to spend just that little bit longer with her. Even so, we were standing outside her house too soon, and it was time to part ways.

After spending the past four days with her, I was having a hard time getting used to the idea of being apart. As we idled on the doorstep, I got the impression Alice was, too. While we'd walked, it was as though she had something on her mind, only now was she trying to find the words.

"I don't know what made your mom move here, but I'm so glad you did," she said, her direction surprising me. "This trip made me see just how much you'd left behind…I suppose I never really thought about it. Is that selfish of me, to be glad when you had to give up so much to be here?"

I shook my head and reached for her on instinct. "You made it worth all that, Alice."

"I don't know how I would've found what I needed to move on if you hadn't been here," she whispered, relaxing against me. Something about her statement sounded familiar, but I couldn't quite pinpoint where I'd heard it. I pushed it aside as irrelevant and let her know that I felt the same way about her.

It was as I was walking home that the nagging feeling returned. Why had it sounded so familiar? I couldn't recall her ever saying it before…

I stopped mid-step as I realised Alice hadn't been the one to say it…Kathy had on my first night in Texas.

"_Jasper, earlier you said you thought you had to come back here to find what you were lookin__'__ for to move on. But, darlin__'__, I think you already found it, you just don__'__t realise it yet._"

My thoughts tumbled over one another as I finally worked out what she meant. Alice was the key, she was what I'd been looking for all along, I just hadn't realised. Subconsciously, I must have known all along because answering her moments ago had been effortless.

Alice was what I'd needed to help me move on, right from the moment I met her.

* * *

**2nd April 2010**

Since returning from Texas, I'd been plagued with thoughts about Alice, Maria and what Kathy said regarding Alice being the one I was looking for. Coming from her, I didn't know what to make of it.

I couldn't linger on it, though. I didn't _want_ to. While it was an odd sort of comfort to know they wanted me to be happy _with_ Alice, it wasn't what I needed. When it came down to it, all that mattered was what Alice and I were feeling and what _we _wanted.

I'd made my peace in Texas, but there was still something missing. It was the metal container in my closet that was getting to me. The photo I'd removed on New Years Eve was still in my top drawer, but that wasn't what I needed to look at. It was the other things, the notes and messages she'd written, the pictures and all the memories that came with them.

I had to go through it now or else I never would.

That was easier said than done. It took me three days to steel myself and actually open the damn closet, and it took another ten minutes before I could even touch the thing.

For a while, I merely stared at it. I hadn't given it this much thought since I'd decided to start it. I wasn't certain of my reasoning anymore; I just started to collect things together. At one point, I was even going to give it to her.

I never got the chance.

Taking a deep breath, I prised the lid off, and examined the contents. The first pile was just paper, notes she'd written to me. They were the last things I'd put in there nearly two years ago. In my hurry, I hadn't even looked at the rest, and because of that, I couldn't remember the last time I'd taken the time to go through it.

Picking them up, I placed the notes to the side, knowing I couldn't start with them. If I did, I'd never be able to continue. Instead, I went for the next item – one of Emily's drawing, and at first, I couldn't work out why it was in here.

It hurt, to know that.

It was only as I continued to study the drawing did the memory come back to me. Emily had been three at the time, and was suffering from a bad cold. For three days she'd been restless and grumpy, allowing very few things to cheer her up. Somehow, Maria had managed it. She'd pulled Emily onto her lap and told her that, if she drew a pretty picture, she would start to feel better soon.

In theory, the method worked…for Emily. She recovered a few days later, while Maria took a turn for the worse and had to spend the night in hospital.

I shook my head, putting the picture down. That hadn't been my intention, for every item in the box to correspond with something bad. As I went for the picture at the top of the pile, I hoped for just one thing, no matter how small, that would make it all worthwhile.

Again, the photo was bittersweet. It was a snapshot of me slumped over fast asleep on their couch, one leg dangling off the side. My clothes were creased and my hair was messy. Back then, there were days when I'd barely been able to drag myself home to shower and get a change of clothes, so getting a haircut was out of the question.

It was the longest it had ever been, back then, at least, and Maria had forever been pushing it from my eyes.

I turned the photo over, knowing what I'd find. When things had slowly started getting worse, the doctors suggested she remained inside. She hated the thought of being confined to her bed, so I'd taken it upon myself to be there as much as I could.

Gradually it took its toll on me, as it did everyone else. I was constantly tired, putting off sleep if I knew she was awake. I didn't mind spending time with her, no matter how tired I became. The problem was it kept catching up on me. I'd fall asleep leaning on her bed, or propped up against the wall. My favourite place was the couch downstairs, and one time, I'd woken up to find the photograph nestled in the folds of my shirt, and a note written on the back.

I smiled slightly as my eyes were drawn to the familiar words.

_Jay,_

_You fell asleep again. You look cute, but the couch is too small, and you know it. Go home and sleep. For me, please? Don't come up to see me when you wake up. I'll still be here tomorrow, I promise._

_M_

I'd ignored her request, of course, and went straight upstairs. She hadn't been amused, but then, she never did send me away.

I could never understand how she was able to make a joke about still being there the next day. It always made me feel worse to know that one day, she wouldn't. As she neared the end, Maria stopped saying it altogether.

With a jilted sigh, I moved on. There were more notes, a lot more. Some were from when we were younger, ones I'd saved even before she was diagnosed. Others were similar to the first, and some were just shopping lists for when she'd asked me to run to the shop.

I'd saved them all, knowing that in time, they'd be some of the few physical things I'd have left to prove she'd existed and been a huge part of my life.

Eventually, I reached the final pieces…a stack of photos. I retrieved them, feeling the familiar burn in the back of my throat. There were about twenty in total. Naturally, most of included Maria, and if they didn't, she had been the one to take it.

At times, I still found myself smiling as the memories behind each picture flooded me. Each was perfect in its own way, and I knew that was why I'd kept them together in the first place.

When I reached the final picture of Maria holding a two year old Emily, I stopped and stared. My vision began to blur for the first time that hour.

"I miss you," I whispered, staring at her smiling face. "But I have to let you go now."

Shortly after, I put the items away, one by one until there was nothing left. With a shaking hand, I resealed the box. I was leaving a part of myself in that box with her…but that was okay. It was the part of me that belonged to her, would _always_ belong to her.

I wouldn't have had it any other way.

* * *

**A/N: Teasers go out to reviewers.**


	73. Chapter 72

**A/N: Chapter 72!**

**I rewrote a section of this chapter last night. The same way I've been rewriting that particular scene every time I've read it. Maybe you'll understand why I'm not happy. But here it is…**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.**

* * *

**Chapter 72 - Aftermath**

**14th April 2010**

**Alice POV**

I walked through the door, kicking my shoes off and hanging up my coat. The store was crazy today, and I was glad to finally be home. I found Mom and Cynthia watching television. They stopped me at _hello_ as Mom signalled towards the stairs.

"Jasper came over earlier, he's upstairs," she said, looking amused. "He's been here at least an hour now. Cynthia went to check on him about ten minutes ago-"

Cynthia giggled and shushed her. "Let her go up and find out for herself."

I gave them both quizzical looks, but left without another word and made my way upstairs. It didn't take long to see what they were referring to. I found him lying on my bed like he owned the place. His shoes were on the floor as though he'd kicked them off and got into bed.

He was fast asleep.

_So this was what had amused Mom and Cynthia so much_, I thought as I walked over to him. He looked quite peaceful, really, and as my eyes travelled over him, I couldn't help but smile.

I pulled out my cell and snapped a picture of him. Knowing it would amuse her, I sent it to Charlotte.

_Came home from work to find an intruder in my bed, what do I do_?

Not a minute later, I got a reply.

_He turned up unannounced? Wake him up. Jay gets real dopey when he's woken up unexpectedly. Talking from experience, it's fun to watch_.

I tapped out a quick reply and left my cell on the side. Laughing to myself, I tried to think of ways to wake him up, as well as getting him back for falling asleep in the first place. I had visions of loud noises, and jumping on the bed, but I ignored those as I spotted one of my cushions by his feet.

I picked one up and threw it at him. He jolted awake, half sitting up and staring at me with dazed looking eyes.

"What…what was that for?" he grumbled, voice thick with sleep.

"Recognise this place?" I said, trying to stifle my laughter. "I came home to find you fast asleep in my bed. Mom and Cynthia thought it was pretty funny when they checked on you earlier."

The corners of his mouth turned up into a smirk, so threw another cushion at his head. He was still too sleepy to react or knock it away, and his narrowed eyes amused me even more. Charlotte was right; this _was_ entertaining.

"It's not good to take advantage, you know," he said, seconds before he dived forward and pulled me onto the bed, finding where I was most ticklish with ease.

"_I thought you were sleepy_!" I managed to say as I gasped for breath amidst squealing with laughter and unsuccessfully trying to move out of reach.

He was laughing now, too, because he'd caught me off guard. For a few seconds, he let up, allowing me to catch my breath. I took my chance and scrambled away. Not knowing what else to do, I snatched at the cushion again; except we were both laughing so hard I couldn't do anything with it.

"No more tickling," I said, sobering a little. "I mean it!" I added, when he merely grinned in response.

His onslaught had tired me out, and all I wanted to do now was lay down. He eventually held his hands up in defeat and allowed me the room to do just that. A moment later, he copied me, filling the remaining free space.

"Sorry about falling asleep in your bed."

I smiled, turning to look at him. "I don't mind. It's not a bad thing to come home to you."

When he shifted onto his side, it was one of those moments where I simply couldn't look away; where all I wanted to do was reach out and touch him. At that, my teeth found my bottom lip, biting it.

_Kiss me_, I thought.

And he did.

The last time we kissed was so similar, but this time we were _home_. This was my room, my bed, and I felt the safety of it, of being with him, in a way I hadn't felt it before.

His hand slipped to my waist, winding its way under my shirt and around my back until his fingers were pressed against my spine. The small contact of skin on skin had me gripping his shirt and arching closer.

I didn't want it to end, but soon we were parting for air. This time, as he allowed me to catch my breath, the circumstances were completely different. I rested my forehead against his, neither of us letting go. I would have gladly remained as we were, absorbing every detail.

Soon, however, Jasper was pulling back to his previous position before the kiss. We were still close, but not as much as I would have liked. There was a reason for it, though, and I could see the small distance between us was required.

"You'd have thought we would've talked about this by now," he said, his eyes betraying only a little of his nervous tension. This should have been the easiest conversation we ever had, and it probably would be once it was over. But change was change, regardless of whether it was a good change or not. Confronting things was always going to be his weakness.

If I thought it would make things better, I would have found the right words myself, but I didn't because I couldn't. Jasper wanted to be the one to say it, though he never admitted it.

So instead, I simply said, "We've got time."

He seemed relieved by that, and I thought that maybe he'd finally worked it out when my mother's voice came from downstairs, telling me I had a phone call.

I hadn't even heard it ring, but just like that the moment was gone, and I knew Jasper was, too, because returning to the conversation wasn't going to happen. I thought of reaching out to him, but as he sat up, giving me the room to pass, all I could do was think, _don't leave me_. _Please_.

* * *

**15th April 2010**

**Jasper POV**

I woke to the sound of rain hitting my window. My eyes felt heavy, but the light streaming in from outside made up my mind to stay awake. The night before had been restless, and the few hours of sleep I managed to catch had left me more tired than anything else.

Talking to Alice would clear up my restlessness, allowing sleep to come easy for a while. By talking to Alice, I meant growing a pair and telling her what I wanted. I'd spent the early hours of the morning going over it in my mind, but right now, I didn't feel any closer to the end goal than I had when I started the day before.

I still couldn't think about what happened without cursing myself. I'd let her mother throw me off course, and I left while Alice was on the phone because I thought I needed to. The walk home was when I'd started cursing, especially when it dawned on me that kissing her was beyond easy, yet finding the words to make our relationship official was still sending me running for the door.

It put me in a foul mood for the rest of the evening and I'd gone to bed with barely a word to either Mom or Emily.

I knew if I left it, choosing instead to brush it under the rug the way we had every other time, we'd eventually fall into the _are we, aren't we_ phase. I'd seen people in that position before, and I didn't need that bullshit hanging over us.

Maybe the key was to keep it simple, and just say it instead of thinking of something grand and articulate. The latter was what she deserved, but it was also something I couldn't see myself doing.

Either way, it was still too early to do anything.

Had it not been raining, I would've gone for a run to clear my head. As it was, I had to settle on sitting downstairs and waiting for the rain to ease up.

A little while later, I heard Mom getting up, but I didn't register her presence until she was right beside me.

"Still angry at yourself, then," she said gently, startling me a little. My face must have shown my confusion, as she continued with, "I'd recognise that scowl a mile off."

There was nothing to say to that, so she perched down next to me. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Talking is kind of the problem right now." I almost laughed at the irony of it, but I was too damn tired. I was struggling with this conversation alone. "Why is it so hard for me to talk about how I feel?"

"You've always been one to show your feelings through actions rather than words," she replied, and I envied how she managed to explain it in such few words. "Look, maybe you don't _have_ to say it. You could just _show_ her."

_Was I that obvious_?

"Give me some credit, Jas. I do have a _few_ skills of deduction, you know," she said as she stood up and kissed the top of my head. "Seriously, though, you have nothing to worry about."

She had to leave me then as Emily came downstairs and she went to prepare her breakfast. But I'd heard all I needed to, and for once, I felt confident at how things would pan out the next time I saw Alice. So much so that ten minutes later, I was dressed and ready to go.

It was still raining, but I paid it little attention as I pulled on my hood and started walking.

With my head down, I very nearly walked into her.

"Jasper?"

When looked up, there she was, under her umbrella looking pleasantly surprised to see me. I felt my smile grow as I realised we'd met in the middle once again, away from family and the distractions they created. With a smile, my irritation and nerves faded away.

"I was just on my way to see you. But I kind of like this more." I did a sweep of the area to find there were no distractions here. "Sorry for running out on you yesterday. I'm good at letting things get in my way, if you hadn't noticed."

I moved a little closer, taking her gentle laugh as my cue to continue. "I've been told I tend to show how I feel through actions rather than words, so I thought…maybe that's the direction I should take with you."

She arched an eyebrow, her smile turning to a grin. "Yeah?"

I nodded, already reaching for her. My fingers skimmed her cheek, our touch surprisingly warm despite the rain. I paused just a moment to savour the look on her face, and then I kissed her.

The umbrella hit the floor, forgotten, as we poured absolutely everything we had into the kiss. With her body against mine, her arms around me, I knew there was nothing else I wanted more than her. All that time, I wondered why we hadn't made this move sooner, but I knew it was because we weren't ready.

But we were ready now, more than ever.

I parted, just long enough to speak. "I hope that spells out exactly what I want."

"It certainly does," she said lightly, and pressed her lips to mine once again.

* * *

The look Mom gave us when we knocked on the door soaked through to the skin was priceless. She refused to let us into the house until she'd laid out newspaper and towels for us to stand on.

"Get yourselves upstairs and changed into some dry clothes this instant," she told us, sounding as if she was talking to children. From the doorway, I spotted Emily giggling as she looked between me and Alice.

"Standing out into the pouring rain," she continued as she shook her head in disapproval. "Honestly, you must be freezing outside."

Yet as she looked at me, I could see the relief in her eyes. I turned to look at Alice, not being able to keep my eyes off her any longer. Her hair was plastered to her face, and her clothes looked as if they were vacuum-packed to her body. But she was staring at me, just the same.

After making sure we weren't dripping too much water on the floor, we made our way upstairs. Neither of us said anything as we stepped into my room. The silence was present, even when I went to be wardrobe, looking for something for us to change into. The silence didn't matter, though.

"I'm sorry about these," I finally said, holding up the only clothes I thought would be the closest fit. They were too small for me, but given the size of her, they'd still be far too big. But she didn't even grimace as she took them, and I found myself smiling when I saw the corners of her mouth turning upwards.

"You can have a shower if you want," I continued, barely even thinking about what I was saying as I watched her. "I'm sure you'll want to warm up before changing. There are towels in the cupboard by the sink."

Then as an afterthought, I added, "You can leave your wet clothes outside the door. I'll take them downstairs while you're in the shower and put them in the wash for you."

She agreed, and I watched her until she left the room. I was still in the same spot, when I heard the water running. I changed out of the wet clothes into a temporary pair of dry ones. As soon as Alice was out of the shower, I would head in there myself.

I took my wet clothes and went outside for Alice's which were sitting by the door. I picked them up, but faltered as I looked at the closed door. Alice was inside, in the shower.

I bit my lip into my mouth and placed my hand on the door, holding it there for a moment. A grin formed on my face as I turned away and went downstairs to the washer. So much was going to change now, I could feel it already.

Alice was only in the shower for ten minutes before I heard the water shut off again. I waited in my room for her to come back in, and when she did, I bit back the amusement I felt when I saw her wearing my clothes.

"Don't say a word," she said, pointing a finger at me. "It's not my fault you're clothes would fit a giant."

I didn't say a thing, merely grinning as she came to sit next to me on the bed. I was half tempted to say fuck the shower, and just stay here with her, but I couldn't.

"I'm gonna hit the shower. I won't be long."

I rushed my way through rinsing the hot water through my hair, and quickly ran my hands over my torso, washing away any rain water. But as I stood there, the hot water rushing over me, I realised that Alice had been standing in this exact spot naked only minutes before.

I groaned, flipping the dial to cold.

Five minutes later, I walked back into my room, pulling my top down as I did so. I ran the towel through my hair, trying to dry out most of the moisture. I chucked the towel away to the side when I saw Alice sitting in bed, her bottom half lost under the covers.

"I was going to say make yourself at home, but it seems as if you've already done that,"I joked as I perched on the end of the bed. She looked happier than she had for a while, and the difference from earlier was huge for the both of us.

_Yes, _I thought to myself, _things were definitely going to change now_.

Alice frowned when she caught me yawning. "How much sleep did you get last night? You look exhausted."

"I couldn't sleep," I told her truthfully, knowing she would understand why. "It's finally catching up with me."

"You can sleep now, then," she said softly as her eyes drifted to my hair. "Your hair is soaked. Do you know where your mom's hairdryer is?"

I was gone a minute before I came back with it in my hand. "Sit down," she said, patting the space in front of her. My eyes fell shut the moment she switched it on and worked her fingers through my hair.

It was soothing, and I was damn near nodding off by the time she said she was finished. When she got off the bed to dry her own hair, I shuffled down under the covers and watched her from where I lay.

She took a little longer than she did with me, but I forced my eyes to remain open. I didn't want to fall asleep before she was ready. Finally, she switched the thing off and returned. She clambered over my legs so that she could sit against the wall by my feet.

I watched her curiously, wondering what she was doing. "What are you going to do while I'm asleep?"

She smiled softly to herself, a flush forming on her cheeks. "I'll stay right here, if that's okay?"

I smiled at her lazily and shuffled further down the bed so that I could completely lie flat.

"Lay down next to me."

My smile remained as she snuggled up against my side. It wasn't the first time we'd shared a bed together, but _this_ was new. I just wished I was more awake to really enjoy the moment.

She rested her head in the crook of my shoulder and draped her arm around my waist. I felt her toes brush against my leg, and I wouldn't have minded at all if she tangled her leg with mine.

But the fact the full length of our bodies was touching was enough, and it felt fucking perfect. I hummed quietly as I wrapped my arm around her without thinking, holding her even closer.

Even as I drifted into a deep sleep, I couldn't help but notice how warm, how comfortable and how content everything felt. I knew that soon, real life would come storming back to us and there would be hurdles to tackle. But right now, I needed to stay right here with her.

My body finally sank into the abyss of sleep, and with the feeling of her in my arms; I willingly gave up the fight to stay awake.

* * *

**A/N: Finally, eh? I just hope it wasn't too crappy *laughs* Fluffy romance isn't my forte. The coming chapters are going to be quite short because of that.**

**Teasers go out to reviewers.**


	74. Chapter 73

**A/N: Chapter 73!**

**This chapter spans over a month. I'll leave it at that *laughs* Thank you for reading.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.**

* * *

**Chapter 73 - Distractions**

**15th April 2010**

**Alice POV**

I couldn't take my eyes off him. Every little movement and every little twitch he made in his sleep, I saw it all. I just couldn't take my eyes off him. Earlier, I angled myself so I could see his face, and ever since then, I hadn't moved.

Every so often, my eyes would travel along his jaw line, taking in the dusting of stubble that covered it. All I wanted to do was shift closer and kiss him.

More than that, I wanted to _draw_ him.

I raised my head gently, looking around his room to see if there were any pads of paper or pencils that I could use, but from where I lay, I couldn't see any. So I inched a little higher and scanned his tabletop, but there was only a few scraps of paper. Nothing big enough to draw on.

In time, I would have to remedy that.

After a short moment of thought, I knew if I really wanted to draw him, my only option was to go home, gather my things, and come back again. With that, another problem hit me.

How the hell was I going to get off the bed without waking him up? I was against the wall, which meant I had to climb over him just to get off. My eyes widened at the image.

It was another minute before I slowly rose a little higher, wincing every time his arm slipped a little further from my where it sat around my waist. Once I was free, I inched the bed cover off me, all the while trying not to make any quick movements.

_Damn_, this was harder than I thought it would be. But finally all that was left was to climb over him and off the bed. In some way, this was the hardest part. Surely he'd feel the shifting of my weight on the mattress? If it were me, I'd already have woken up.

I gradually lifted my leg and placed it on the other side of him. Biting my lip, I shifted my weight and placed my hand at the edge of the mattress. Taking a deep breath, and praying to God he didn't wake up to find me hovering over him, I tried to bring my other leg over.

A second later, I toppled to the floor.

I cussed and righted myself, expecting to find him looking down at me and asking what the hell kind of gymnastics I was trying to do. I let out a quick disbelieving laugh when I saw him sound asleep.

How was he still asleep after _that_?

Shaking my head, I turned towards his desk, as a last resort, and opened the top drawer, hoping to find something of use. As soon it was open, I regretted it. Sitting on top of a pile of exercise books, was a photo frame.

I picked it up tentatively, knowing I shouldn't have even done that.

It was a picture of the four of them – Peter, Charlotte, Jasper and Maria. Peter and Charlotte were on the left, laughing hysterically at something unseen, whereas Jasper was on the right with Maria on his lap. She was looking at her friends, a faint smile on her face.

But they weren't who I was looking at, not really. It was Jasper. He had his arms wound tightly around her waist, and his face was close to hers, his mouth directly next to her ear as he was whispering something to her.

He was the only one looking at the camera, staring right at me now.

I quickly placed the frame back in the drawer and closed it. Exhaling, I looked at Jasper and smiled. That picture was in his drawer for the exact reason the one of me and Robbie was in mine. Hell, I couldn't ever remember seeing that picture ever being out on show.

"I'll be back soon," I whispered as my fingers ghosted over the stray hair on his forehead, then wrote a quick note, letting him know where I was.

I totally forgot about his mother until I got to the last step and she came out into the hallway.

"Everything okay?" she asked, casting a quick glance up the stairs.

"Jasper's asleep," I explained. "I'm heading home to get some things, but I'll be back soon."

She let me go without mentioning my current attire, telling me there was no need to knock when I returned.

I walked as quickly as Jasper's clothes allowed, glad the rain had stopped so I didn't have to balance my umbrella, too. Mom found me as soon as I stepped through the door. She hadn't been happy at the thought of me going out in the rain, but once I explained where I was going, she realised there was no stopping me.

"I take it went well, then?"

I merely grinned as I kicked off my wet shoes and headed for the stairs. I would talk to her properly later. Right now, all I wanted to do was return to Jasper.

A minute later, everything I needed was shoved into a bag and I was making my way back down.

"I'll be back sometime later," I told her, and while I could tell she had a hundred and one questions, she rolled her eyes and shooed me out the door. She would no doubt corner me when I returned. For now, though, the only thing ahead of me was Jasper.

When I finally got back to the house, I went straight in, just as Sylvia told me to. I let her know I was back then hurried upstairs.

A gentle sigh escaped my lips as I saw Jasper was still asleep in the same position I'd left him in. I quietly placed my bag on the floor, throwing my note inside, and retrieved the sketchpad and pencils.

I took my seat at on the end of the bed, resting my back against the wall. From where I sat, I had a nice view of him, and sitting like this, I wasn't going to jostle him as I drew.

A quick smile graced my lips as I realised that this was just an excuse to look at him, to study his face and not get caught. After a while, I finally started drawing, sketching a rough outline at first. My eyes lingered on him longer than they did the drawing, and I found myself grinning every time I realised.

The sketch was finally starting to take shape when I felt Jasper shift. I idled, watching him. After a moment, the hand that was once wrapped around me ran over the empty space next to him. His eyes shot open and he bolted up, only stopping when he saw me.

He looked relieved, and only then did I realise he thought I'd gone.

"Hey," I whispered, smiling, showing him this time, I wasn't going anywhere. I was never going to do anything like that to him again.

He smiled back, his body relaxing. "What are you doing?"

I looked down at the picture and hesitate. It was nowhere near complete. "Just a sketch," I replied vaguely.

"Can I see it?"

My hesitation didn't go unnoticed. I was half tempted to tell him _no_, but he looked so sleepy and confused, and soon I was handing it over. He stared at it for a long moment before slowly he turned to me and smiled.

"This is really good, Alice."

I closed the pad for him. "It's not finished yet."

Jasper let the topic drop, and placed the pad on the floor. When he took my hand, all I wanted to do was get closer.

"Can we lie down again? Like we were earlier?"

"You know, you'll only have yourself to blame if I fall asleep again," he replied with a laugh, but allowed me climb under the covers and settle against him. I didn't say as much, but falling asleep would only give me an excuse to continue my sketch.

I closed my eyes and stretched out beside him. I hadn't felt this good in a long time. Maybe I would fall asleep, too…

Then slowly, Jasper said, "I should never have let you return to your bed on our last night in Texas. I wanted you to stay."

"Really?" I sat up in time to see him nod. I couldn't help the laugh the escaped as I pressed my forehead against his chest. We'd both been so _blind_. "No more misunderstandings, okay?"

Jasper agreed, laughing with me. "No more misunderstandings."

* * *

**27th April 2010**

I tossed and turned in bed as I tried to find a comfortable position. I failed miserably. No matter which way I turned, nothing felt right. I knew I wasn't going to get very much sleep tonight.

Earlier in the day, I'd gone to Jasper's house as usual to find him dark eyed and distant. It had taken me seconds too long to realise it was Maria's second anniversary. Jasper asked me to leave – not through anger that I'd forgotten, I knew that, but because he simply wanted to be alone.

The guilt had stayed with me, though, and it would continue to until I had the chance to really apologise.

The sound of my phone ringing made me jump. I quickly grabbed it and checked the caller ID. My heart leapt as I saw Jasper's name flashing up on the screen.

I heard him sigh on the other end of the line when I answered. "Hey, you. Is it okay if I come over?"

I exhaled slowly; relieved he wanted to see me so soon. The clock said it was just after one thirty in the morning.

"Sure," I said, gladly. "Just ring me when you get here and I'll come down and let you in."

"I'm…kind of already here. Look out the window."

When I saw him standing on my front lawn looking up at my window, I couldn't help but smile.

"I'm sorry about yesterday," he continued. "I was a complete jerk asking you to leave like that."

"No, you weren't. I'm the one that should be saying sorry." I sighed as I rested my head against the window pane. "I should have remembered the date. I feel so bad, Jas."

"I never personally told you what day she died. How were you to know?"

I wanted to protest, to say I should have remembered, regardless. But he continued before I could get a word out.

"Don't try and argue your point, Alice," he said, knowing my response before I'd even spoken. "Now, can you let me in? It's kinda cold out here."

I chuckled softly. "Sure, wait there."

I cut the call and hurried downstairs as quietly as I could. As soon as the door was open, he was inside and had his arms around me.

His voice was quiet when he finally spoke. "I missed you."

A smile was my only response. "Come on, we should get some sleep. Try not to wake anyone up."

He was smiling again as we snuck into my room and closed the door. As soon as I saw the bed, I was overcome with tiredness. I yawned widely as I climbed under the covers.

"Did I wake you up?" he asked in a hushed whisper as he came to sit on the edge of my bed.

I shook my head and gave him a lazy smile. "No, but I think I'm ready to sleep now you're here."

"I make you sleepy, huh?"

I laughed quietly. "I couldn't sleep earlier because I was thinking about you, but now you're here, I don't have anything to worry about anymore."

He looked guilty, but I shushed him before he could try and apologise again. "Come on, it's a lot warmer under the covers. Will you hurry up and join me?"

"Your wish, my command," he said, grinning as he pulled off his jacket. "What will your parents say?"

I shrugged. "They'll get over it."

He didn't need anymore convincing. I watched a little _too_ closely as he undressed. I looked away before he caught me, but not before looking him up and down. All he had on was a t-shirt and a pair of dark blue boxers. Taking a deep breath, I forced my eyes to remain on his face.

Finally, he lay down next to me, letting me snuggle against his side.

"Goodnight," I whispered.

"Goodnight, Alice," he answered back, yawning quietly.

As we both slowly drifted off to sleep, I realised I'd finally found the comfortable position I was looking for.

* * *

**14th May 2010**

"I don't want to leave," I said, my voice sleepy and content. I snuggled closer to him, emphasising my point. We'd spent the first half of the day at my house watching movies and just spending time together when we hadn't been able to in the past few days.

I'd left with him once school was out to pick up Emily, then we'd gone back to his and spent the rest of the afternoon in each others company.

"Then don't," he replied simply.

I frowned, not understanding him. "What do you mean?"

Somehow, I knew he was smiling, even before he spoke. "Stay here tonight."

Since getting together, we'd spent only one full night together. Work and parents were two of a few reasons why we hadn't been able to do it again. We wanted to, though, really wanted to.

"What about your mom? Do you think she'll mind?"

I felt his body shake with silent laughter. "Seriously, Alice? You're here nearly every day as it is, so what difference would it make?"

"The difference is I'd be here all night."

I watched him roll his eyes and call his mother. "Is it okay if Alice stays here tonight?"

When Sylvia called back to say it was fine, Jasper settled back into our previous position and tightened his hold around my waist.

"Does that give you a good enough answer?"

I smiled. "I guess it does."

Now, I just had to work out what I was going to wear…

* * *

We spent the rest of the evening in the same position. I was incredibly comfortable and more than willing to end our lazy day on a lazy note. At home, things were different, but there was something about Jasper's house that made me feel completely at ease.

It was well into the night when we eventually ventured upstairs. After having used the gentle flicker of an abandoned movie to guide our kisses and straying hands, we were exhausted and ready to crawl into bed.

I surprised him by stealing his t-shirt and escaping to the bathroom to change. The light was harsh compared to the semi-darkness we'd been in downstairs, and I stood squinting until I adjusted. The mirror caught my eye when I did, and I stood for a minute, taking in my flushed skin and kiss-swollen lips.

_Damn_.

I couldn't help but grin as I quickly undressed and pulled on his t-shirt. It was big on me, but it still only went down to the middle of my thighs. I looked at myself in the mirror again and tried to imagine Jasper's reaction.

It was thoughts of his reaction that had me gathering my things and sneaking across the hallway as quickly and quietly as possible. I faltered a moment outside his door through nerves, but a little voice in my head urged me on. Provocative or not, his reaction was going to be worth it.

He let out a low curse the he instant he saw me, muttering something about trying to kill him.

"Get _over_ here."

I instantly dropped my things and went to him. As soon as I was close enough, he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me flush against his body. The only light in the room was that from outside, and the whole thing felt even more intimate than before.

My heart was thumping once again as his fingers snuck underneath the hem of the t-shirt, coming to a stop at the edge of my panties.

"You're too damn distracting for your own good," he said, his lips pressed to my neck. "How am I going to sleep now?"

I grinned and shrugged innocently, the action inadvertently pressing my body into his.

"_Damn it_, Alice," he let out hoarsely.

With a giggle, I pulled back and let him go. He offered a final glance, and with his hand in his hair, he left for the bathroom. A couple of minutes later, Jasper returned to find me waiting under the covers.

"Play nice," he warned, half joking, half serious, and climbed in beside me. "I don't think I can take much more tonight."

I conceded, pretending to cross my heart. I'd forgotten how fun it was to tease, but he was beat, and now we were both in bed, all I wanted was to fall asleep in his arms.

I felt his body relax as I rested my head against his chest. "Goodnight, Alice," he said, kissing my forehead lightly.

"Goodnight," I whispered back, tightening my hold around his waist and closing my eyes.

It was silent for a long time, and I assumed he had fallen asleep. I kept my eyes closed as I felt myself drifting into a stupor. I was on the precipice of sleep when I felt him pull me even closer.

"I love you, Alice," he whispered softly, half asleep. I lifted my head. His eyes were closed, but a faint smile ghosted across his face, knowing I was looking at him.

Warmth spread from my head to my toes, silly tears springing in my eyes. I pressed a kiss to his cheek, unable to fully articulate how happy it made me to finally hear those words.

As I pulled back, I whispered, "I love you, too."

* * *

**A/N: Let me know what you think!**


	75. Chapter 74

**A/N****: Chapter 74!**

**I know I'm way past the point of apologising for taking so long to show my face again, but I am sorry. I'll be honest and say that I started to lose my Twilight muse about a year ago. It hasn't come back, but I've been getting messages from readers asking if I'll update, and it reminded me that I should give these characters their ending.**

**I must have removed something from this gooey chapter because it wasn't always this short. You'll see the next chapter immediately to make up for that.**

**One final note, I reached 1500 reviews. That's INSANE. Thank you to all of you, I appreciate every single one.**

**Disclaimer****: I don't own Twilight.**

* * *

**Chapter 74 – You and Me**

**28****th**** May 2010**

**Jasper POV**

Alice was acting strangely. I wasn't sure what, but there was something she wasn't telling me. She didn't look tense, or worried about something, just nervous. Whatever it was, it couldn't have been something bad.

So I left her to it, waiting to see if she'd tell me on her own.

She'd seemed quite relieved when she opened the door to see me standing behind it, but as soon as I was inside, the strange behaviour began.

The whole thing was amusing, as whatever was on her mind, it made her unable to remain in the same spot for more than a couple of minutes. I'd kissed her as I walked in, and that was the closest we'd been since.

When she finally sat with me on the couch, we talked about when our friends would be back from college for a short while before she asked if I wanted a drink. A second later she was disappearing into the kitchen. I chuckled to myself, knowing I had to do something to get her to open up.

I let a minute pass before I got up and ventured after her, trying not to laugh when I caught her loitering in front of the fridge. She yelped when I spun her around and picked her up.

"Jasper! What are you doing?"

I didn't answer her as I walked back into the main room and sat down on the couch once again. Coincidently, when I eased her down, she slid into my lap. Before she could move, I encased her in my arms. She wasn't going to get away from me until she spilled the beans.

"So," I began, sneaking my fingers beneath the hem of her top. "Are you going to tell me what's got you fidgeting like a little kid?"

She chewed her lip, turning her gaze away from mine. I wasn't having any of that, though, and placed my finger and thumb beneath her chin, tilting it upwards once again.

"Alice?" I leant closer, brushing my lips across her cheek. "Tell me…"

I trailed kisses along her jaw and down the curve of her neck, devoting my attention to my favourite spot just above her collarbone. I could hear her take a deep breath, and I smiled, my lips still pressed to her skin.

"My mom and dad left for Seattle this morning, for a work thing," she began, her hands winding their way into my hair.

My eyebrows rose, but I only pulled back enough to speak. "Is that all you wanted to tell me?"

She shook her head. "They're not coming back until tomorrow…and Cynthia is staying at a friend's house tonight."

My lips stilled against her, and this time I straightened completely. She was flushed, teeth worrying her bottom lip again. Her hands slid to my shoulders, and she waited for the words to sink in. I knew what this meant, even before she said it.

"I thought, maybe you could stay. If you wanted to…"

As I nodded my head in agreement, a smile graced her lips.

* * *

**Alice POV**

Ever since my parents announced their overnight trip, I knew I wanted Jasper to stay over. It was the day before their trip that Cynthia told me she was going to stay at a friend's house, and suddenly everything changed.

I still hadn't asked Jasper to stay by that point, and the thought made me nervous. He knew something was up the moment he saw me, but he didn't push for an explanation. It was only when he found me hiding in the kitchen that he decided to do something about it.

The moment I told him, I could see it in his eyes. He knew what it meant.

To say I wasn't a little nervous was an understatement. Thankfully, my nerves didn't show themselves in an obvious way, and we spent most of the day as we did any other. It was only when the evening drew to a close that I started to feel nervous again.

We were lying beside one another on the couch. His arm was around me, with my head resting in the crook of his shoulder. My free hand was flattening the kinks in his t-shirt.

"Is everything okay?" he asked when the movie we were watching came to an end. "You've been really quiet tonight, and I think I know why. I don't want you to be uncomfortable. Nothing has to happen tonight."

I sat up and scanned his face, studying the expression he wore. He looked a little worried, but mostly at ease, and it was then I realised my nerves were for nothing. This was Jasper; I trusted him more than I trusted anyone, and I loved him just as much.

Freeing my arm, I reached up and ran my thumb along his cheek. "Everything is fine, I promise."

He smiled at me, a warm, happy thing I couldn't help but return. Shimmying up so that we were face to face, I leaned closer and delicately slanted my lips onto his. The kiss was slow and warm, just like his smile.

After a while, I pulled back and stared at him. He brought his hand to my face, curling some hair behind my ear before running his fingers over my lips. I kissed them twice as he allowed them to linger there.

It was in that moment that I knew I wanted this, I wanted everything.

Pulling myself off the couch, I held out my hand, not saying a word as I led him upstairs. The room was utterly silent as he shut the door behind us and approached me.

Cupping my face in his hands, he leant down to place a kiss on my lips. I smiled against them as I wrapped my arms around his neck, reaching up on my toes. It flowed so seamlessly after that, as if we were always supposed to be like this with each other.

His touches were delicate and full of love, and with each garment removed, we traced places previously unknown. When we finally joined, we remained perfectly still, holding an intense gaze before slowly, I began to move against him, revelling in the way he let me take control.

I drank it all in, every expression, every whisper. I simply couldn't take my eyes off him as his body trembled beneath me.

After, we lay beside one another, the pure connection between us growing stronger, so strong that I could feel it binding us together. He inched closer until our foreheads were touching, and brushed a strand of hair away from my face.

_I love you_.

The corner of his mouth curled into a faint smile, almost as if he'd heard my thoughts.

_I love you, too_.

* * *

**29****th**** May 2010**

My eyelids fluttered as I awoke. As the memory of the night before filtered back, I closed them again and smiled, moving my hand to rest of the arm that was currently wrapped around my waist.

"Good morning," he said, pressing his lips to my bare shoulder. I sighed contently, still not opening my eyes. My back was flat against his chest, and the warmth it created was magical.

I smiled to myself at that.

"How long have you been awake?" I finally asked him.

"Not very long."

I hummed softly as I felt his arm tighten around me. "I wish I didn't have to move from here."

"Then don't," he replied, then let out a throaty chuckle when I told him I needed to go pee. "Fine, but hurry back."

He kissed my shoulder once more and then freed his arm, allowing me to get up. I snagged my dressing gown from the side and wrapped it around myself before looking back, unable to stop myself from drinking in the sight of him naked bar the cover that now sat around his waist.

I used that image as a reason to rush, only sparing a fleeting, happy glance at my reflection as I brushed my teeth.

He grinned lazily when I joined him, removing the dressing gown once I was back under the warmth of the covers. He pulled me closer immediately, and we remained in the same position for a long time afterwards. The feeling his skin against mine, and the way his fingers lightly brushed along my back…it was all I could ever need in that moment.

It was only when we heard someone unlocking the front door did we move. I hurried out of bed and dressed quicker than it seemed possible, while he merely chuckled at my attempts to hurry him along, dressing in a languid manner as if he had all the time in the world.

In the end, I left him to it and quickly went downstairs, expecting to find my parents bringing their things into the house. I was just thinking of ways to stall them from going upstairs when I realised it wasn't them after all. I let out a sigh of relief when it was Cynthia who greeted me.

"You're home early," I told her as I followed her into the kitchen.

She shrugged. "My friend had basketball practice to go to, so we left early. What has you up at this time?"

I didn't have time to answer as Jasper picked that exact moment to wander in. Cynthia took one look at him and gave me a look that said _actually, I don't want to know_. I grinned and left her to her cereal.

I was part way through making the first two slices of toast when Cynthia made a sound of acute disgust.

"You're enough to put me off my breakfast, looking at her like that."

I whipped around to catch him hold his hands up in apology. "Sorry, I'll go sit in the other room…"

He flashed me a quick grin before disappearing out the door. I smiled to myself as I turned back to our breakfast.

"Do Mom and Dad know he stayed here last night?" Cynthia asked as I buttered the toast.

"I didn't tell them," I replied, chewing my food deliberately, wondering what she would do with that information. "Why? Are you planning on ratting on me the first chance you get?"

She laughed and shook her head. "Not unless you want me to. But, you know what Mom is like; she's bound to find out one way or another, especially if he's still here later looking like he's just crawled out of bed."

I suppressed a smile. I knew Mom would find out he stayed the night, and had even planned to tell her myself, anyway, minus a few vital details. First, though, I had to make sure Jasper was well on his way home.

Cynthia finished up and left me to it, saying she was going to catch up on her sleep. I didn't question her, knowing if that sleepover was anything like the ones I used to go to, then she most probably didn't get much sleep.

Once she was gone, I ventured into the other room to find Jasper. Cynthia might have had a problem with the way Jasper looked at me, but I certainly didn't…

My thoughts stopped short when I saw him stretched out and fast asleep. I smiled affectionately to myself, deciding to let him rest and make him something when he woke up. Instead, I grabbed my sketchpad from the side and sat on the floor in front of him, continuing with one of my many unfinished sketches.

My attention kept returning to him every few minutes, and after a while, I gave up on the pretence altogether. I took to watching him instead, feeling my love for him expanding even more.

* * *

**A/N****: Let me know what you think. The next chapter skips forward a few months in preparation for the end, but there will be a filler-ish scene posted in the outtakes *story* shortly.**


	76. Chapter 75

**A/N****: Chapter 75!**

**Here, have some fluff. I figured you'd get at least one chapter of it. Note the length.**

**Disclaimer****: I don't own Twilight.**

* * *

**Chapter 75 – Perfect Proportion**

**21****st**** August 2010**

**Jasper POV**

I'd never really appreciated the sounds of the morning before. Not the birds outside, or the sun that filtered in through the curtains. I simply hadn't paid attention to them, and felt no need to before now.

When I was with Maria, the dead of night had always been my favourite, where I'd lay awake with her asleep beside me, and just revel in the rare quiet because the mornings were always filled with noise. Be it the twins having their breakfast, or Emily, depending on the house we awoke in.

As I'd opened my eyes that morning and every other morning during the past week, there hadn't been a sound to be heard besides that of nature and the steady rhythm of Alice's breathing.

It was peaceful, private, and so secretly addictive that my body had been waking itself earlier and earlier to lay there and simply wait for Alice to open her eyes and start a new day. Some mornings I would look up at the ceiling and allow my mind to wander, other times I wouldn't pull my gaze away from the sleeping form in my arms.

Today was one of those mornings where I couldn't take my eyes off her.

I smiled to myself, brushing some hair that had fallen into her eyes. Her nose scrunched up endearingly as the loose strand brushed against it. It must have tickled her, I realised, as her eyes soon fluttered open.

"Jas?" she mumbled, her voice thick with sleep.

"I'm here," I whispered, wishing there was a way to capture this moment, right down to the very last detail.

"What time is it?"

I glanced over at the clock on the bedside table. "It's just after nine."

"I'm glad we don't have to get up soon," she said, stretching out her body against mine. "I'm starting to really appreciate having an empty house to ourselves."

My forefinger traced her spine delicately as I let it roll around my thoughts. Alice's family had gone to visit relatives in Biloxi for a ten days, just as mine had gone to Texas the month before. Alice had been invited to go with them, but she declined almost immediately, and I knew it was so she could stay behind with me.

"I could definitely get used to this," I replied, smiling to myself as she shivered against my touch. I always found myself marvelling how even the faintest of touches could bring forth such a response from her.

"But think about it," she whispered, her voice thoughtful now. "You and me, no parents, no sisters. Imagine if we had that all the time?"

The latter sentence was all it took for my heart to start beating a little quicker in my chest. The thought of having _this_, _her_, all the time, just me and Alice alone in our own house. It was a dream. But more than that, it was going to be our future one day.

"That sounds perfect," I whispered back, and thought of all the mornings I could spend doing the same as I had all week.

When she smiled, I caught the glint in her eyes. "There are other benefits, too…"

"Yeah?"

She arched an eyebrow. "_Yeah_."

I made a move to kiss her, meeting her halfway as she hovered over me. My hands slipped beneath her thin shirt, but she stopped me by climbing off the bed altogether.

"Not here," she said, and edged away and out of the room. I watched the door for signs of her returning, half reluctant to leave the warmth of her bed.

Then, from across the hall, I heard the telltale sounds of a shower being switched on. A smirk flashed across my face as I easily kicked the covers back, realising exactly what she wanted. The bathroom door couldn't appear quick enough, and then there she was, waiting for me under the torrent of warm water.

_Yes_, I thought to myself as I stepped towards the shower. The house was quiet, empty, and I intended to make very good use of that advantage, starting right here, in this very room.

* * *

"Jasper," Alice began, not shifting from my lap where she lay, drawing in her sketchpad. It was mid afternoon, and after eating a quick lunch, we decided to stay inside in place of joining the others on a trip to Port Angeles.

I hummed in response, keeping my eyes on the television screen, waiting for her to respond.

"Do you ever wish I was taller?"

Her question took me by complete surprise. "No, I can't say I've ever wished that," I told her, chuckling slightly at the idea. I loved that she was so petite, and had probably mentioned it a few times, too. "Why? Do you?"

She pursed her lips for a moment. "Sometimes. It's just...wouldn't it be a biteasier for you if I was taller?"

Now I really was confused. "What do you mean?"

"With everything," she said quietly, putting her pencil down – but still refusing to look up at me. "We're so out of proportion."

I held back a laugh at her utterly absurd comment. "Trust me, there's nothing wrong with your _proportions_."

She sat up, finally looking at me with a small, adorable pout on her lips. "I'm being serious."

I sighed. "I know you are, but I don't see why it's getting to you so much, after all this time."

"I was thinking about the scales in my drawing," she mumbled, looking down at her sketchpad. "It made me think of our differences. You're over a foot taller than me, you know."

I placed a finger under her chin and made her look at me again. "You and me, we're in perfect proportion. Size makes no difference to me; in fact I prefer it this way."

She seemed to be settled by this, and went back to her sketch.

"Do you want to see what I was drawing?" she asked, later.

I glanced at the page she was working on. It was an intricate sketch of two birds flying together, one notably bigger than the other.

"You're so talented," I said, "The most talented person I know."

She smiled, pointing to the bigger of the two. "That one is you, by the way."

I chuckled. "So, I'm a bird now, huh?"

She poked her elbow into my ribs. "It's just a way of signifying things. Flying gives the sense of being free…and we're doing that together." She looked away, uncomfortable with her own explanation. "Oh, I don't know. It's silly. Just forget it."

I stilled her hands from closing the book. "I love the meaning behind it," I reassured her gently. "You should finish it."

Surprisingly, she shook her head. "I rarely finish a sketch. I kind of like the mystery that lies behind unfinished drawings. It's almost like the artist has a final secret they're not sharing."

My brow furrowed as I thought back on the various drawings I'd seen her working on in the past few months. It only dawned on me now that not one of them had been finished.

"You do realise you'll have to start finishing your drawings when you go to college, right? I don't think your tutors would agree with unfinished pieces of work, regardless of the mystery and secrets you see in them."

"God, how will I cope?" She faked a gasp. "Maybe I'll just stay at home, instead. I could have as many unfinished pieces of art as I want."

"If you're staying, I'm staying. But just think of what you'd be doing to my poor education," I teased.

She nudged me playfully, yet a crease still formed between her eyes. "We could have been going to different colleges…"

My stomach dropped at the thought.

"I can't even begin to imagine that. I'd move to be with you," I told her, my voice serious for the first time that day. "I don't even know how the others do it."

"With great difficulty," she whispered, moving closer to me. I nodded, wrapping my arms around her tightly. Being away from Alice and not seeing her for months at a time was fucking unimaginable.

If I _had_ to do it, I'd get through, but only just. I wouldn't be able to function probably if I didn't have her nearby; I already knew that from past experiences. I needed Alice and I never wanted to let her go like that again.

* * *

Instead of ordering take-out for dinner, Alice decided to cook. She claimed that spaghetti was simple, but to say I was surprised she knew how to make it from simple ingredients around the house was an understatement.

I was so unaccustomed to this particular setting that everything seemed to surprise me. Everything down to the way she set the table for two. Seeing it made me realise just how much I wanted our future to be the present already.

I insisted on helping her as much as I could, though eventually I was told to take a seat when the only thing I knew how to do was dice the onions.

"Here, try some," she said, holding out the wooden spoon and giggling to herself when most of it ended up around my mouth rather than in it.

"Tastes good." I licked my lips, wiping the rest away with my fingers. "Aren't you going to try some yourself?"

Without hesitation, she reached for my hand and painstakingly licked the sauce from each finger.

"Well…?" I managed to get out.

"_Delicious_."

She smirked at my expression, leaving me speechless as she went back to her task. I wanted to spin her around; I wanted to lift her onto the counter and kiss her until all thoughts of the cooking was forgotten. I wanted to get her back for being such a damn tease.

The phone cut me off before I could move.

I groaned quietly when she disappeared into the other room, leaving me instruction to put the water on to boil. I did as I was told, and used the five minutes she was gone to regain control of my thoughts, at least until later, when I could bring them back again.

"Who was it?" I asked as she came to stand next to me, peering into the pan.

"It was Mom. Just checking up on me again," she replied. "She asked after you, by the way. She didn't say it, but I think she's glad you're here. I know she doesn't like leaving me home alone for more than a few days."

"I hope you told her she has nothing to worry about. You won't be alone here, so long as I can help it."

"She knows that," she murmured, smiling to herself.

* * *

Feeling completely stuffed after eating dinner, we returned to the couch, putting a film on before heading up to bed. I was so full and comfortable that I was very nearly dozing off. It was only Alice's attention that kept me from closing my eyes.

"Tell me something," she said suddenly. "Something that you've noticed about me."

I was silent as I really thought about my response to her random request. "Well, I notice things about your smile all the time. For instance, the left side of your mouth turns up first when you're amused. But when you're happy, both sides go up at the same time."

I watched as the smile I described formed on her face. "What else?" she asked eagerly.

"You play with your hair when you're bored. Or you draw if paper and a pencil are in reaching distance. You scrunch your nose up when you don't like something, but when you see something you _do_ like, you can never hide it on your face, no matter how hard you try."

"Very true," she said, and then, "Do you want to hear what I notice about you?"

She grinned when I didn't answer right away.

"See, that right there is what I notice the most about you," she said as she brushed her fingertips just below my eyes. "You always look so cautious when someone wants to talk about you. I can see it in your eyes every time, even now, as faint as it is, and you don't even realise, do you?"

She was right, I hadn't realised at all. It was so subconscious that the thought hadn't even crossed my mind.

"I noticed it the first time I talked to you, but, of course, it was far more prominent back then."

"I'm sorry," I said simply, not knowing what else to say.

She smiled and shook her head. "Don't be, it's a part of you that I love. But that isn't the only thing I notice about your eyes. They always light up when you talk about Emily, and it's so obvious how much you care when you talk about your mother. Your father, too."

I smiled because it was true.

"I also notice how you always seem to tap your fingers on something when you are waiting for something or someone and you are anxious about it," she continued, lacing her fingers with mine. "That, and you always get sleepy after a big meal. Which is why I asked in the first place."

She didn't say anything more, so I assumed she was finished. "You didn't tell me what you see when I look at you…"

She looked me directly in the eye and we held our gaze.

"When you look at me, it's as if I'm the only one in the room," she replied, her voice barely above a whisper.

"You're all I ever see," I told her simply, letting her see the exact look she'd just described.

* * *

**A/N****: Boy, was that a challenge to edit. The final three chapters are back to their normal length. When you read them, you'll see why…**


	77. Chapter 76

**A/N****: Chapter 76.**

**Sorry, guys. I've been trying to get away from Twilight for a while now, but I always feel bad when I remember I didn't finish posting this story. To those of you who are still reading, this is for you.**

**Disclaimer****: I don't own Twilight.**

* * *

**Chapter 76 – A Solemn Explanation**

**21****st**** August 2010**

**Jasper POV**

I watched the look of rapt concentration grow stronger and stronger across the guys' faces. Emmett and Edward were shooting the hell out of each other on the Xbox, and barely concealing their curses from Emmett's sister who was sitting between them, mocking Edward for losing every time he lost a game.

Eventually, Edward reached breaking point. "The only reason you let her sit in here is because she acts as your own personal cheerleader every time you win."

A laugh escaped Emmett lips as he leant over and pinched his sister's cheek. She grinned, and turned the eerily familiar expression to Edward. In the moment of distraction, he then took the chance to down Edward's character once again.

I smirked to myself as I watched Emmett's shit eating grin turn into full-blown laughter.

"Twenty-four kills to seventeen. I'm absolutely trouncing you."

"Do you ever play fair?" Edward muttered. "I didn't even have my—No! Cally, don't press tha-"

I looked to the television screen just in time to see Edward's character being blown to pieces. In any other situation, even Edward would've admitted that it was hilarious.

"That's my girl," Emmett said once he'd regained composure.

The plan had been to spend the day playing video games and eating pizza we'd yet to order. Half an hour in, I had relinquished my turn and offered my seat to Cally when she wandered into the room. It didn't bother me at all, because frankly, watching them compete against each other was pretty fucking amusing.

"Jasper, could you take Cally downstairs to Ma?" Emmett said eventually. "I feel like I'm playing against an empty controller. I'd like _some_ kind of competition."

Edward's glare was murderous. He signalled towards Cally meaningfully.

"Come on, kiddo, let's leave these two to play their silly little games," I said, getting up and holding out my hand. It confounded me when I realised I'd adopted the nickname my father used without a second thought.

_Huh_.

As I led Cally away, I heard Edward say, "Just you watch, Emm, I'm about to whoop your ass."

Emmett scoffed loudly. "You couldn't even whoop my ass if I was blindfolded."

I rushed Cally from the room before she could hear Edward's response. As soon as we were outside, she gripped my hand as if I was just another one of her brothers. We were at the stairs when I heard the youngest brother behind me.

"Are you Emily's brother?"

I turned, wondering how the hell he even knew that. "Yeah, I am."

True to the McCarty gene, he barely gave me the chance to finish speaking before he spoke again.

"She's my girlfriend," he said cannily, looking real pleased about it. For the briefest of moments, my protectiveness reared its head and I was two seconds from telling him to back the hell off, but I reined that shit in just in time, knowing it was harmless at that age.

I could remember what that was like. Having a girlfriend consisted of sitting next to each other in class and holding hands in the playground. If I ignored that she was my sister for a moment, it was kind of sweet.

"Is she?" I replied simply. He nodded enthusiastically and scuttled after us down the stairs. He prattled on about something else, but talked so quickly I only half listened.

Thankfully I found Emmett's mother in the first room I looked into. She laughed when she saw me with her two youngest.

"Did Emmett put you on babysitting duty?" she asked lightly as she nodded towards Cally, who was still clutching my hand, and Frankie, who looked like he had more to say. "Seems like he'll have a bit of competition when it comes to being your friend."

I laughed, conceding she had a point. Cally was perfectly fine at my side, and Frankie had no problem talking to me…even their dog seemed to gravitate over, obviously remembering me from before.

"Actually, Emmett asked me to bring Cally downstairs. She's making them even more competitive."

She shook head her, looking as though she'd heard far too much yelling coming from Emmett's room to last her a lifetime. "Emmett said you're not much of gamer – now why couldn't my children be more like you?"

I shrugged, not knowing what else to say. She didn't know the half of it.

At her mother's orders, Cally finally let go of my hand, and told Frankie to stay down here, too, claiming she didn't want him to follow me back upstairs and get any ideas by watching Emmett's video game.

"What took you so long?" Emmett asked when I re-entered his room.

"Just your mom telling me she wished you were more like me."

Emmett laughed once. "Always trying to show me up."

"Doesn't take much," Edward muttered, not taking his eyes from the screen. I snickered at Emmett's appalled expression.

"Why the hell does everyone keep saying that?"

"_Really_?" I arched an eyebrow, and Emmett eventually conceded our point. "So, apparently my sister is dating Frankie these days."

They both looked in my direction, Emmett flashing me a grin. "Does this mean you and I are, like, distant brothers in law?"

"God help me," I deadpanned.

"You wound me, brother," he said with a mock sigh as he dramatically clutched at his heart. The sound effects cut out on the TV, so I guessed one of them paused the game.

"I think I prefer my small family," I continued, smirking slightly as he dropped his hand. "It's much more…exclusive."

Emmett snorted. "Exclusive my ass, you're just missing out on the family gatherings. They're epic."

"They're mayhem," Edward interjected, shooting me a knowing look before turning back to Emmett. "Now quit your bickering, grandma. You're just put out because Jasper's ribbing you."

Edward rolled his eyes as Emmett flipped him off. I merely watched in amusement, knowing Edward was just winding him up for his comment earlier when I'd taken Cally out the room.

"A grandma wouldn't have a kill streak like mine."

I followed the game play for a little while, but soon enough something else took my attention. Alice was on her lunch break from work and we were texting back and forth. She was finishing around six, and I was planning to meet her soon after. I hadn't yet mentioned it to either of the guys, knowing they'd probably give me shit for ditching them to see my girl.

"I still don't understand how you never played video games before coming to Forks," Emmett mused randomly about half an hour later. "I mean, I get you didn't have one back in Texas, but what about your friends?"

I shrugged. "I don't know, Emm. If they did, I wasn't interested. I had other things on my mind."

"Oh, yeah?"

I could tell he wanted me to elaborate, but where the fuck did I start? There was a long list of stuff which fit the criteria, and a lot of it was shit neither of them even knew about – shit they'd _never _know about. But as I thought about how best to answer him, I knew there was really only one response I could give – the one thing that had been there from the start.

"My girlfriend," I said with a faint smile.

Emmett wolf whistled. "You kept that one quiet! Who was she?"

Before I could even process his response, Edward said, "_Emmett_," in a voice that said _shut the fuck up_. But it wasn't necessary, not anymore. Maybe a year ago I'd have told him to fuck off and mind his own business. Screw that, I wouldn't have even mentioned her, but I was passed all that now. One of the advantages of finally moving on was I could actually talk about her.

"Edward, it's okay," I said reassuringly. "Her name was Maria."

I wasn't sure whether it was the way I spoke or maybe something had changed in the atmosphere of the room…whatever it was, Emmett looked serious for the first time all day.

I had to take a deep breath before I continued. If there was one thing that didn't get any easier, though, it was saying the word. "She died of leukaemia about five months before I moved to Forks."

Emmett was completely silent as he stared at me with a look on his face that said he didn't believe he'd heard me correctly. He hadn't expected that, but then again, why would he? The closest he could've gotten was to guess we'd broken up before I left.

"Jasper…shit, man, I'm sorry," he finally uttered. He glanced at Edward for a second before looking at me again. It must have dawned on him Edward already knew, but he didn't comment on it or seem disgruntled I hadn't told him about her sooner. But this was Emmett; he just wasn't like that.

I waved my hand, as if brushing off his apology. "It's fine, really."

There was a pause of silence as I remembered that Emmett had been involved…he just never knew the reason behind it. While I didn't exactly want to think about that day, Emmett deserved to know the truth.

"Do you remember last year, in the park?"

It took less than a second for realisation to flicker across his face. He nodded numbly; I was certain he already had a fair idea where I was going with this. It didn't take a genius to put two and two together.

"That was the first anniversary."

It was Edward's turn to glance between us as if there was something he wasn't getting. Maybe later I'd tell Emmett to explain what happened because I knew I wouldn't be able to. I think Edward knew that, as he didn't ask either of us to elaborate.

Emmett was staring into space when I looked back. It was a long time since I'd seen him looking so solemn, and I could tell Edward felt the same way because neither of them said a word for a long time.

Finally, Emmett said, "Thank you for telling me."

I nodded once and then glanced at the TV screen; from what I'd seen of the game today, Emmett's character had died a while back.

"Looks like I fucked up your kill streak," I said, trying to lighten the mood. But even that didn't seem to work.

"I think I've played enough today, anyway," Emmett said flatly as he got up and switched the TV off. I watched as he moved around the room, putting the game back on the shelf and tidying the console away.

It was obvious he was deep in thought, and I knew not to interrupt him. I caught Edward's eye a couple of times; I could tell he didn't know what to say to lighten the mood, either. In the end, it wasn't necessary, as Emmett left the room.

"Do you think he's all right?" Edward asked. "He's taking it pretty bad."

I frowned, glancing towards the door. "I know. I think I'll go after him."

I left Edward and made my way out. I could hear Sarah talking to Frankie downstairs, so I made my way towards the open door at the end of the hallway. I found Emmett perched on the bed.

"You okay?" I asked as I entered. I had to prompt him again when I sat down beside him.

"Yeah, sorry…it's just…I keep thinking about when you first came to Forks, you know?" I grimaced; I hadn't realised he'd react this badly. "I just assumed you were homesick or something, and all that time you were…you even witnessed everything with Robbie, and still managed to comfort everyone. Who was there for you?"

_I had Alice, Emmett, I always had Alice_.

He wasn't waiting for a response, though, as he drew in a jilted breath. "After last year, I knew it was something bad, but I never imagined it would be something like that. No wonder you didn't tell me."

I smiled wearily. "I nearly did. My mind was so fucked back then…I don't think I'd have been able to go through with it."

"I don't blame you. I'm guessing Edward doesn't know what happened that day?"

I shook my head. "I didn't need to tell him at the time, and I know I won't be able to now. Do me a favour and let him know for me, I'm sure he's wondering what the hell we were talking about."

Emmett nodded, and I knew I could trust him to do this for me. It was silent between us for a minute before he stood up and stretched himself out.

"You ready to eat?" he asked; the seriousness in his voice lifting. "All this heavy shit has made me hungry."

I smirked as I stood to follow him out. Emmett was back.

* * *

It took just over half an hour for the pizza to arrive, but finally the three of us were sitting around eating in a much lighter atmosphere. The TV had been switched on again and tuned into a music channel, but we weren't really paying attention to it.

The pizzas were fucking huge, and we had one each. Even Emmett looked like he was struggling a little. I was so full I was actually feeling kind of drowsy. I stretched out on the couch, rolling my shoulders. If he let me, I'd probably fall asleep on the damn couch right -

I didn't see him move.

Suddenly he had the collar of my shirt in his hands and was yanking it back. I jumped a mile and tried to jerk away from him, nearly choking myself when he didn't let go.

"What the hell is _that_?" he asked incredulously as he stared at something on my neck.

_What the fuck was he on about_?

"Is that a _bite_?"

_Oh, shit_.

Realisation flooded me pretty quickly as Emmett finally let go of my shirt. I swiftly moved to cover up and looked away from his inquisitively firm gaze.

It happened three days ago, and while I'd all but forgotten I had it, I hadn't forgotten _how_. That shit had been insane. I saw flashes of us on my bedroom floor, Alice in my lap, moving against me before I pulled myself back to the present.

"It's nothing," I muttered quickly as I reached for a leftover slice of pizza. I wasn't even hungry; I just needed something to do.

Emmett snorted with laughter. "Did _Alice _do that?"

Very few things could be said to get me flustered, but this…_fuck_. I was certain I looked like a deer caught in headlights because Edward finally came to my rescue.

"Drop it, Emm."

Thankfully Emmett did as he was told and went silent. I worked on trying to relax, hoping he'd just let it drop and we wouldn't hear of it again…

_Who the fuck are you trying to kid? This is Emmett you're talking about; he lives off this kind of embarrassing shit_.

I put a stop to my inner thoughts as I took another bite of pizza. It was coming up to six, anyway, which meant I would have an excuse to leave if h-

"So, has Alice got any of those?"

I spiralled into a coughing fit as the pizza went down the wrong way.

"The fuck's it gotta do with you?" I got out as I threw the remaining pizza back in the box and reached for my drink. I downed it as I attempted to drown out the sound of Emmett's barking laughter.

"You know, that's the first time I've ever seen Jasper flustered," Edward mused as he appraised us from the opposite couch.

"Nice one!" Emmett said, slapping me on the shoulder. "Don't worry. I won't ask her about it."

I grumbled something unintelligible, certain he'd caught the few precise swear words mixed into it as I scowled at the both of them. The sad thing was I didn't have anything to get them back with.

"You can fuck off if you think you're going to bring this up next time we're all together," I said tersely, directing it at Emmett more than Edward. He didn't have it in him, but Emmett certainly did. The last thing I needed was for him embarrassing Alice in front of the others.

Edward bit back a chuckle as he watched Emmett draw a halo around his head. "As if I would…"

There was something in his voice that told me I'd be a fool to trust him completely. While I was sure he wouldn't just blurt it out, I had the feeling he wasn't going to let it go. _Fuck_. I'd have to tell Alice, to forewarn her in case Emmett started talking shit.

Thoughts of Alice reminded me of the time. She wasn't due for another fifteen minutes, but now was as good a time to make an escape before Emmett started on something else. I didn't need that bullshit.

"Aren't you going to stay a little longer?" Edward asked as I prepared to leave.

"Not this time, I told Alice I'd meet her after work."

With one glance at Emmett I saw him wiggling eyebrows. "Oh, really?"

I flipped him off as Edward lobbed a screwed up paper towel at him. "Ignore him," Edward went on to say. I ignored their childish bickered and looked at the clock. Ten minutes to go.

_Yeah, I'm outta here_.

"Really, guys, either I stay here with you ugly fuckers, or spend time with my girl…" I tapped my chin, pretending to be deep in thought. "Decisions, decisions…"

"She's got you whipped, man," Emmett said as I pulled on my shoes.

I arched an eyebrow. "Because you're one to talk?"

He sent a conceding nod in my direction. "Touché."

After another minute of pointless banter, I finally said goodbye and made me way outside. I had my phone out the moment I was on the street. It was six on the dot. I dialled Alice's number.

"Are you out already?" I asked as she answered after the second ring. "I'm making my way towards the store."

I could hear her walking in the background. "Meet halfway?"

I agreed but didn't cut the call. I hadn't seen her in two days – we'd both been working and today was the first time we could see each other.

We talked for a little more until finally I saw her turn into the same street as me, cutting the call at the same time.

She smiled, snaking her arms around my waist. I gazed at her, finding it staggering how much I'd missed her in just those few days apart. Her arms rose and tangled together at my neck as she went on her tiptoes. Even then she wasn't completely level with me and was only able to plant the briefest of kisses on my lips. I smiled, leaning down to meet her.

"I've missed you," I said as a murmur against her lips. Her response was lost as we kissed. _Yes, I'd definitely fucking missed her_. Once we parted, we started in the direction of home.

"How was your day?"

"Just like it always is." I laughed under my breath. "They were ripping it out of each other and bickering like an old married couple."

"Nothing new then," she said. I was certain she rolled her eyes. "There's a reason Bella and Rosalie stay away when they're having one of their gaming sessions.

"I'm glad you're not into all that," she added as an afterthought. "That means you come willingly instead of being dragged away…"

She was joking, but I was sure there was a hint of something serious, and while I wanted to tell her there were very few things that could keep me from seeing her, I kept quiet. I got the feeling Robbie used to do that to her, and commenting on it was a cheap shot. I didn't want to go down that road again.

Besides, that kind of behaviour wasn't uncommon. Maybe I was just the fucking oddity.

We walked the rest of the way in companionable silence, it was only when we reached the house did we break it.

"So, what are we going to do for the evening?" she asked lightly as we paused outside the door.

"Emily should be going to bed in about an hour, so that'll leave Mom downstairs…" I placed my hands on her waist and pulled her closer. "I thought you and I could finally get some peace and quiet."

"I like the sound of that."

We stood in the doorway and kissed. It was slow and hinted at exactly what I wanted – me and Alice alone in my room, just laying beside one another without any distractions.

Finally opened the door, feeling thoroughly relaxed.

The sensation shattered the moment I shut the door behind us. I could hear someone crying - _Emily_, and another trying to console her.

My blood boiled at the sound of his voice – his _apologies _– and without thinking, I dropped Alice's hand and entered the front room. It made my heart drop to see Emily sobbing uncontrollably as he crouched in front of her.

"What did you do to her?" I demanded. However much had changed, the closeness we'd regained, it vanished in an instant as I stared at him, eyes blazing. All I could think was he'd hurt her, that he'd made her cry. That I had to protect her.

His head shot in my direction, his expression doing nothing to hide how startled he was at the tone of my voice.

"Son, I-"

Before he could continue, I took Emily's hand, pulling her away. For a split second, he didn't move, looking between us.

Then suddenly Emily pulled free and ran back to him, flinging her arms around his neck in a tight grip. I staggered back a few steps, my chest tightening at the sight of her pulling away from me to be with him.

I couldn't describe the feeling that shot through me, but it was reflected in his eyes as he watched me, completely conflicted. His gaze told me he could see how much it had hurt, as irrational and selfish as it was, he still knew…

The anger seemed to dissipate as quickly as it formed, and I was left bereft and confused, finding it hard to breathe.

What the hell was happening?

Before either of us could speak, Emily's broken sobs pierced the silence.

"Daddy, I don't want you to go!"

Her words hit me like a wrecking ball. He was…leaving? I swayed on the spot as cold fear lurched through me like ice in my veins.

"You're…_leaving_…again?" I choked out. My voice sounded different, as if I was listening to it through a distant, broken connection. The room span, my mind dizzying at the fact he was going again…leaving us to pick up the broken pieces.

It seemed to take forever for him to answer.

"I promise it's only for a few days," he said, hurrying over his words as he read my body language correctly. "I need to sort something in Texas, and I didn't mention it, as I wasn't sure I was going until this morning."

He gripped Emily and lifted her so he could stand level with me. He took a step closer, but I moved into the hall.

"Jasper, please…"

But I'd already spun away and gone for the front door, nearly colliding with Alice who I'd all but forgotten was there. She stared, trying to reach out to me, but even she couldn't break through.

"Wait, son!"

It was the last thing I heard as I pulled the door open and left. I didn't know what I was doing or where I was going…so I ran.

I just kept running.

* * *

**A/N****: This had to happen, I promise. Oh, Dramaticsper…**


	78. Chapter 77

**A/N****: Chapter 77.**

**Only one more left after this…**

**Disclaimer****: I don't own Twilight.**

* * *

**Chapter 77 – Thoughts and Fears**

**21****st**** August 2010**

**Jasper POV**

"_Daddy, I don't want you to go!"_

I scrunched my hands tighter as I tried to block out the words that wouldn't seem to leave. Emily's voice and broken sobs were all I could hear.

The day had started out so well…even when I'd told Emmett about Maria, _I'd_ been the one to console _him_. But then I went home and any thoughts of spending a quiet evening with Alice were dashed.

It had been months since any kind of tension forced itself into our home…and all it took was hearing my father trying to console Emily. I couldn't work out why I'd immediately jumped to that conclusion, or how fucked up I had to be to ignore all the progress we'd made.

I thought I trusted him, or at least, I thought I was beginning to, but this proved me wrong. If I trusted him, the notion of him doing something to hurt her wouldn't have crossed my mind.

The whole thing had thrown me back a couple of paces. I was leaving in less than two weeks, but how could I do that with this hanging over my head?

When was he going? Tomorrow? The next day? Would he be away while _I_ was leaving Forks?

How could I possibly leave while he wasn't around? How was I to know he wouldn't break his promise and not come back? Texas was where it all started, and this was the first time he'd be going alone.

_Fuck_.

The mere thought of him walking out on us was filling my mind like dark matter, blackening everything into that murky and ominous place I tried to avoid.

I closed my eyes and banged my head against my knees. I was already hunched up enough as it was with my legs bent in front of me, but right now I just wanted to fucking disappear completely, leaving these thoughts behind.

Why did this have to happen now? I was happy…

With just the light evening breeze around me, I was able to zone out for a while, successfully so, in fact, that I didn't hear my phone until it had been through the cycle three times. I quickly retrieved it, and the instant I saw Alice's name, I had it to my ear.

"Alice?"

"Oh, thank God. Jas, where are you?" she asked desperately, worry tingeing her tone. I looked around, not knowing why I was even here; it was just the place I'd found myself at once I'd stopped running.

"Please…don't hide from me. Tell me where you are."

At her plea, I drew in a deep, shuddering breath and forced my brain to think of a response. "I'm at school…by the bleachers."

"Just stay where you are." She paused, the relief evident. "I'll be there in fifteen minutes."

While I didn't like the idea of her walking all this way just because I'd fucking ran here, I knew I was in no fit state to meet her halfway again. So I agreed, and as I waited for her to arrive, I tried to gain a little composure.

Just hearing her voice had soothed some of the returning ache, and I knew having her here, holding me would make this bearable. She'd bring me back from this; I knew she would.

Though my eyes were shut, I sensed the moment she arrived. I kept my head bowed against my knees until I felt her kneel down beside me. She didn't say a word as she trailed her hand along my arm and shoulder, pausing when she reached my hair, and gently started brushing her fingers through the strands at the nape of my neck.

I shifted so I could see her, and we remained in the same position as I tried to work out how I was going to talk to her about it. Her silence told me enough that she wasn't going to press me to speak.

Finally I started and took her other hand. "What happened after I left?" I managed to get out.

"He wanted to come after you," she said softly, her fingers still flowing through my hair. "But Emily wouldn't let him go."

I nodded, not knowing how to process the new information. It was hard enough knowing she'd pulled away to be with him, but to hear she couldn't let him go? I'd never seen her like that with anyone…not even me.

It was so fucking twisted and selfish to envy him. He was her _father_, but I couldn't help it. It was a kneejerk reaction, and now my initial shock was over, that emotion was pushing its way to the front. Never had Emily been beside herself when she knew I was going away for a couple of days, and after seeing that…there was a pathetic part of me that wished she was.

"He will come back," Alice said reassuringly, misinterpreting my most recent frown.

"You don't know that," I replied in a flat voice, and I knew I wasn't just referring to this particular trip.

"You're right, I don't know for certain." She took my face in her hands and turned me to look at her again. "Your fear of him deserting you is clouding your judgement. He's not going to walk out on his family."

My brow crumpled as I lowered my gaze. "He did before."

"And look how much he missed because of it? Jasper, he's not stupid enough to do it again. He knows he'll never get another chance to make things right if he did."

I knew somewhere deep within me I believed her; it was the most logical way to look at it, and he'd promised me himself – countless times. But…that fear was always there – the fear that he would relapse, or it would happen to Mom, and then what? He would leave, Mom would fall apart and who would be there for Emily, because I certainly wouldn't be able to do it again.

The worst part was it stretched way beyond the next few years. It would always be there in the deepest parts of me, and I'd have no way of escaping it.

My expression screwed up as a different kind of pain shot through me. The thought was fucking unbearable.

My fingers found their way into my hair in a far less soothing manner than Alice's had earlier. I tightened my grip, as if I'd sudden gained the ability to pull the thoughts and fears right out my head. Seconds later Alice was prising my hands away and pulling me against her chest.

"It's okay, we'll get through this…"

I couldn't respond. I knew she was going to help me, but I still couldn't elicit a response. I merely held onto her tighter, burying my face against her chest, the faint smell of her perfume calming me down.

"How am I going to do it, Alice? How am I going to leave Mom and Emily?" I asked brokenly. "I don't know if I can do it anymore."

"You can." Her voice was firm, but there was a slight waver as her breathing picked up pace. "You're the strongest person I know, you hear me, Jasper? And don't you ever think any different."

I scrunched my eyes shut and focused on her heartbeat as she pressed gentle kisses along my hairline. She believed in me, even when I doubted myself. In my darkest moments, I knew she would pull me through.

I shifted because I needed to see her face. When I did, I saw a single tear track down her cheek. She seemed to understand my need to be closer as she leant forward.

My eyes flickered shut as our lips met. This wasn't even about the kiss; this was about being close to her and getting lost in our connection because right now, that was the only thing that held me together.

I guided her into my lap as the kiss faded, and we held onto each other as I drifted into a much calmer state. Without all the stress and the worry, things would be so much easier, but to have all that without Alice was just unspeakable.

With her in my arms, it didn't seem so bad.

* * *

I was brought back from my reverie by soft lips pressing into the hollow of my neck. My eyes flickered open and I looked down at Alice.

"It's getting kind of dark," she began, keeping her voice light as I knew what was coming next. "Maybe we should think about going back soon?"

I nodded because she was right; it was getting darker – I was certain it was gone eight, which meant we'd been out over an hour. But that didn't mean I wanted to go home. I knew we had to…but I was peaceful here, and it was evident that feeling would fade the second we started walking.

If she hadn't brought me back, I could've stayed there all night.

"You don't have to go home if you don't want to. You can stay with me tonight. Your dad told me to make sure you came home because he wants to talk to you, but there's not a chance I hell I'm forcing you to do that."

I tightened my hold and buried my face into her hair. I knew exactly what I wanted to do – I wanted to hide and go home with Alice. I was grateful she had given me a way out, but I also knew what I _had_ to do, and that was to go home and talk to him.

This was so close to the start of term, and I just didn't have _time_ to dwell on it anymore. Shit was coming about so fast, and I needed to resolve the problems before it completely consumed me.

I took a deep breath; even saying it was hard enough. "I think its best if I go home and get this shit out the way. You're coming with me."

She didn't need to respond because I knew she was coming either way. She wouldn't want to walk away, even if I miraculously wanted to go it alone.

It took me another ten minutes to finally move; she waited patiently, choosing not to rush me. Only when I shifted did she pull herself up from my lap.

The walk home was slow, and by the time we'd reached the house, it was closing on nine.

"What do you want me to do?" Alice asked as we paused on the doorstep once again. "Should I wait here, or I go home and you call me later?"

I shook my head without even thinking about it. "No, I don't want you walking back in the dark on your own…"

But that was only a small part of it. There was so much more to it than that – I didn't want her to go because I knew I'd need her once I'd talked to my father, and I tried to convey that to her as I held her gaze.

At long last she gave me a small nod. "Okay, I'll wait in your room while you talk to him. I'll let Mom know I'm staying here tonight."

I pulled her into a tight hug because I didn't know what else to do. I wanted to stay here and just wait for someone to discover us, but I knew I couldn't. So when we broke apart, I tried to clear my mind as I opened the door.

The difference was stark as I shut the door behind us. Emily was in bed, and the only light was coming from the main room and the hallway upstairs. Alice wordlessly squeezed my hand and then slowly made her way upstairs. I watched her until she went out of sight, wishing I could have been right behind her.

After running my hands over my face, it was at least a minute later that I finally ventured into the main room. Mom stood as soon as she saw me and pulled me into a fierce hug.

I looked at my father over her shoulder; he stared back at me, a mixture of remorse and understanding on his face.

"Would you like me to stay?" Mom whispered in my ear. I shook my head knowing that, like all the other times I talked to him, I had to do it alone. She nodded and left us to it. I heard the kitchen door behind her.

After running my fingers through my hair once again, I slumped down on the couch beside him. It took him a moment to think over what he had to say, but finally he began.

"I'm sorry you had to see that earlier," he said. "That's not how I wanted you to find out I was going away. I know what that must have sounded like to you, and it…it turns my stomach to know you thought I was leaving again. I would never do that to you, Emily and your mother. You must know that."

My gaze remained fixed on my lap as he finished. _Did_ I know? As much as I wanted to believe it, I didn't…I couldn't, and it was wrong of him to say something like that, even if he'd only said it to show he never _wanted_ to leave.

But I wasn't about to call him out on it. Where the fuck would I get off telling him anything could happen? Besides, I was doing my best not to _think_ about that kind of shit.

In the end, I settled for something else to fill the silence he had purposely left for me.

"Why do you need to go to Texas?"

I knew it wasn't work; the furthest they went was Seattle. That left family or something personal. He'd seen his parents not even a month ago, so I couldn't be that, either.

It was only when I realised I'd had time to really think about it that I saw he was slightly hesitant. I looked at him properly for the first time since sitting down. Something on my face must have told him to just tell me because the hesitancy all but vanished.

"For the rehabilitation program I underwent, they require me to check in with them from time to time. I could have gone in July, but I didn't want to go, not with Sylvia and Emily…" He shook his head as though it hadn't even been an option. "I couldn't go with that hanging over our heads."

I was back to staring at the floor again. So he was going to Texas to discuss the one thing which had pushed him away in the first place. It didn't make this easier to process.

"When are you going? For how long?"

_Too formal, too fucking formal…_

"I'll be going tomorrow; it's why Emily was so upset," he said in a grave voice. "I contemplated not telling her; I'd be back before she knew I'd even gone, but we always do something on Sunday, and I didn't want her to be waiting without an explanation…"

There was a long pause as we both realised his mistake. Not to wait without an explanation, just as I had all those years ago.

I felt that familiar twinge deep in my heart, and I had to turn my head away because I didn't want him to see. But in the end, it didn't matter as he placed a comforting hand on my shoulder.

"I didn't want to make the same mistake again, no matter how short our time apart would be," he continued firmly, as if trying to convey just how much he'd changed. "But I told her at the wrong time…she was tired and it got the better of her. I'm sure she'd have reacted the same way had you been telling her the something similar."

It was obvious the last part was added as a consolation. I couldn't even fucking imagine what he'd seen in my eyes for him to feel the need to reassure me, but there was a small voice in the back of my mind that was saying, "thank you."

His hand slipped from my shoulder, sensing the moment had been and gone. As the silence stretched on, it dawned on me he was yet to answer the most important question.

"You didn't tell me when you'd be back," I told him quietly, cursing as I heard the underlay of fear in my voice once again. It didn't matter how many times he told me he was coming back, that dread was still going to be there, and I wished with all I had that it wasn't. I hated the feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever I thought about it.

When was I going to see he was staying?

"My return flight is on Tuesday evening," he informed me, then went on to silently appraise me as I worked out the dates. Really, he'd only be gone one full day, but I wouldn't see him until Wednesday at the earliest, as he hadn't completely moved in yet.

I still hadn't gotten used to the concept of him living here full time. While it would probably take a little getting used to, I was sure it wouldn't be as hard as I thought it would be…

"It's okay if you still have your doubts, son, I can only imagine how hard this is," he continued with a hint of gentle sadness. I glanced at him, taking in the hair, the eyes, noticing once again, how there were so few things dissimilar to me, the younger version.

It seemed we studied one another this time, until finally he looked away and pulled the chain off from around his neck.

"Here," he said, holding the ring I'd bought him when I was nine. "Keep this and give it back to me on Wednesday, okay?"

I stared at it, unable to drag my eyes from the thing, but also not being able to take it. I knew what he was doing; it was a way of finally convincing me he really was sticking around this time. He took that ring everywhere with him, he'd never part with it for any other reason.

It took me at least a minute to finally hold out my hand. Even when he'd placed it on my palm, I still didn't move to put it around my neck. Sensing that I needed some time alone, he stood up and moved towards the door, but as he passed, he placed his hand on my shoulder.

"I love you, kiddo."

His hand slipped away as he walked from the room, where I sat for a full minute doing nothing but stare at my hand. Eventually I swallowed heavily over the lump in my throat and lifted the chain over my head, slipping the ring beneath my shirt. I gripped it through my clothes before taking a deep breath and standing.

I heard their quiet voices coming form the kitchen, but they stopped as I came to stand in the doorway.

"I'll see you on Wednesday."

He nodded wordlessly while Mom merely smiled as I said goodnight and disappeared upstairs. It would be a long time before I went to sleep, but all I wanted to do was spend the rest of the night with Alice.

She was sitting in the middle of my bed, her knees against her chest. She looked up the moment I stepped in, and the worry etched on her face seemed to fade as she studied my expression.

"How did it go?" she asked as I joined her.

"He said all the things I needed to hear," I said simply, not knowing what else to say. I lay down, my back to the door. A second later, she moved to lie down beside me, sitting a little higher so she could gently coax my head onto her chest.

I closed my eyes the instant her fingers found their way into my hair. She always knew how to relax me, and for a long while, we just lay there in silence.

I could feel the ring pressing against my skin with every breath I took. It had been ten years since the last time I'd had it in my possession…ten whole years. Where would it be in ten years to come? All I could do was speculate at this point, and as I laid there in Alice's arms, the faint voices of my parents downstairs, I realised I didn't want to think about it.

Whatever happened in the future…I didn't want to imagine it now. I didn't want to imagine a time where my father would relapse or walk away again. How would I ever learn to trust him if I didn't let it go?

He was here…he was part of this family and was forever proving he didn't want to mess things up again. Where was my faith in him, in this? Was I just waiting for something bad to screw things up so I could point and go, _I fucking told you so, didn't I_?

The twisted thing was I'd be pointing at myself.

"Jas…"

I jolted at the sound if her voice, releasing my suddenly tense muscles.

"Just relax for me, okay? Everything's going to be all right," she whispered as she ran her hands along my shoulders, trying to release the tension that built up. I opened my eyes and drew in a jagged breath. I wasn't sure what happened…I hadn't even realised I'd tensed up until Alice brought me back again.

"This is fucking stupid," I said weakly as I tightened my grip around her waist. "I shouldn't have jumped to that conclusion. Why would he tell her he was leaving? He'd never given me that luxury."

Alice sighed as she bent forward to kiss the top of my head. "It's not stupid at all. Given everything that's happened I'm not surprised you thought of that."

I sat up, twisting to face her. "But I have to leave this shit behind. I can't keep freaking out every time he says he's going away."

"You'll get passed this," she said simply, moving to cup my cheek. "It's still new for you, and everything's been so calm recently that hearing Emily crying threw you. It's not always going to be like this."

_How did she do it? How did she always say the right things_?

"I hope you're right…"

Alice smiled faintly at my uncertain mumble, and guided me onto my back. "You need to take you mind off this whole thing, or else you'll never sleep tonight."

She turned so our faces were inches apart. "And I want to see you smile…"

That faint smile of hers grew a little more as she took in my slightly impassive expression.

"Come on," she whispered, straddling me so we were chest to chest. "I know it's in there somewhere."

She kissed along my jaw, whispered, "Smile," into my ear when she reached it. I felt her hands slip beneath my shirt and move upstairs, and before I knew it, I was smiling, just as she wanted.

"There we go…" was the only thing she said as she pulled herself up and began lifting my shirt. I helped her remove it, and then flung it to the floor as I felt the chain fall back against my skin. I tensed, and I was certain she felt it as her gaze travelled over the ring that sat at the curve of my neck.

I opened my mouth to say something, anything, but she shushed me before I could get a word out.

"You don't have to explain," she said as she leant forward and started a delicate trail down my body, her lips starting at my neck and working downwards.

I closed my eyes and gave into my senses. Her touch was so simple yet the power it held was unbelievably strong as I felt my body relax beneath her. She was right, just like always; I needed to take my mind off this situation, and with Alice…I couldn't concentrate on anything else.

My body arched under her touch, and as her hands slipped below the waistband of my pants, I felt the smouldering fire between us grow stronger.

I would sleep peacefully tonight with Alice nestled safely in my arms.

* * *

**A/N****: I hope now it's a little clearer why I wrote this little angst fest at the end…**


End file.
